URPG Stories Chat and Feedback

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

My opinion on Five star egg

You forced the detail to much at the beginning. This is a mistake that Ive seen pwople do in their stories. The want too make it look like a nice descpritive story, so they start forcing as many adjectives as they can. This gets tedius, so they just stop after a paragraph or too.

Massive amount of detail doesnt always make a story good. It needs to be consistant. A little tip for you in the future. A rule; only one noun per sentence should have more than two adjectives, otherwise its overkill.

The plot was creative though, starying from traditional see,battle, catch formats. The problem I had with it however is their wasnt enough conflict. Yah there were the birds trying to get the egg, but they didnt do more than that. Really, you shouldnt JUST be able to run away. Thats the problem I see with first time story makers. you need more than one point of conflict. You can have one antagonistic (is that a word?0 forse, but they need to appear more than once.

MAYBE caught.

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Thank you for your helpful comment.
I'll be sure to take it on board!

EDIT: And I have wrote stories before. I just haven't posted one onto something like a message board.

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/showthread.php?t=59617

I'm not asking for a grader, I know I have to just wait for that, but I was just wondering if any of you guys want to read my story and just give me your two cents?

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Lemme say this is the best story on BMG in my opinion. Im not entirely used to reading simple stories...so thats saying alot.

Some of the things Ive noticed is how unbalenced your distribution of description is. The biggest thing that excells in your story is your ability to describe the SITUTION. But nothing else was described. I dont thing we got a word of description about location, and very little from your characters.

I also have a problem with its unrealiticness. ONE poliwag hurtv ALL those pokemon? Please. I think there should of been a group of Poliwag doing the deeds. That would be more beleivable.

However I love the creativity of it all. Thats very hard to pull off in simple stories. Every story Ive seen, the encounter with the pokemon was entirly random, in this there was some build up to it.

The battle was very well done, but as I said, give a little more descpription than what attack they used.

So in MY OPINION: Poliwag captured

By the way, there are a few grammer mistakes, be sure to fix'e

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Yeah, I reread it and there isn't a lot of scenery description; I probably should have described the village more or described the forest they were walking through, or maybe even the clearing at the start.

Andddd yeahhh I see what you mean, I guess one Poliwag taking down quite a few Pokemon over time is a bit unrealistic, but remember the instances were over a long period of time. But yes, you're right, a gang of Poliwag that happened to stray into that area would have been more realistic.

But yes, thank you very much for the mini-review and the helpful criticism :3 Very encouraging, although I don't know about 'best story on BMG' XP But thank you very much

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

I've just finished a Grade, so I'm in too much of a lazy state of mind to read the story, but I clicked on the link and saw what you said about the characters - 'tis fine. the maximum is only there as a guideline. You could have a 100k story for Magikarp, as much of a waste of 100k that'd be :3

Just remember, most Graders think quality > quantity.

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Ah, alrighty then, I guess as long as it's over the minimum limit it doesn't matter about length, just about content :3 Okey-dokey then.

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Well, if the story's really borderline, length can be a deciding factor. I'd be more inclined to pass a story that comfortably sits within the range, say at about half-way through than a story that only passes it by a few characters.

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

I just have a quick question. Do I continue my story (Which is Left Behind if anyone wants to read) in a new thread, or do I just post the new capture underneath?

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

You can go ahead and write it in the same thread.

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Tee hee.

Probably a typo I know, but still.

Anyway, I would like some constructive criticism on this please?

Lord Celebi is going to grade it, but I would like some other opinions as well please.

Thanks!

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Deeply sorry to double-post, but it's just to let Scourge of Nemo know that I would be honoured.

VM's require 10 posts, PM's require 15 posts, which is why I'm resorting to this.

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Oh, haha. I wondered how you got enough posts to VM so quickly.

Um, so, I'm making a semi-announcement: We (we being everyone, but the Training Committee especially) are seeking out talent in all areas of URPG, but there's a particularly unexpected call for graders. I'll be keeping an eye out, but feel free to contact me if you want to be palled up with a grader who can give you a few pointers on the road to passing the grader test to become a grader 'n whatnot.

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Just so that doesn't look weird, that post is referring to the now deleted spam posts that I made to take my post count up to 10.

And also, yay! You can never have enough graders!

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Okey Hoppryfred I read your story

I loved the opening, it really let the reader get into the head of Hoppyfred. Unless Im mistaken, you clearly define that he his a very paranoid person. In fact that was one of the best opening Ive ever seen

But unfortunately, once he woke up, the story became very bland. I mean was there really even a fight? Kid wakes up, pulls out a fishing rod, catches the magicarp. I know its only a magicarp story, but You could of made it a LITTLE more interesting...

Really you should take it from the forest seen, and make THAT the story, that was really interesting.

If it wasn't a magicarp: Not caught
But since its only a magicarp: caught
Thats MY opinion

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Senzura, in a sense I believe some of that was actually intended. It's the first step on his journey, and I felt it really helped us connect. After all, how could a new trainer just expertly capture a magicarp intentionally?

I really liked it, personally, for a Magicarp story. Because it fitted Magicarp :3

Anyway, for Nemo (as I don't have PM privelige yet):

Spoiler

Hey Nemo,

Thanks for the offer, and I would really love to say yes, but with School I just don't have the time to make a commitment.

I hope that in the future, though, I'll be able to take you up on this, and I'm really sorry I can't at the moment.

Regards,

Joshy

(And thanks about the compliment on the story :3)

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/showthread.php?t=59287
I would like to have some feed back on this if possible.

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Okey I'm sorry, but I don't believe a pokemon story should EVER break the fourth wall.....AND YOU DID IT A LOT. I would suggest you get rid of all that stuff

Okey for the plot you did stray from the traditional from the typical Woods-battle-capture, but what you do to avoid that really wasn't effective.

I'm sorry but I really don't like this story, I would suggest starting it all over again



Grammer mistakes I noticed:
In the first sentence be sure to changes comes to become
"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah and the worst part is I caught any Pokemon yet- I think you mean HAVEN'T caught
I feel bad enough about it with out you talking to the whole .....change to without
MANY MORE

In my Opinion
Buizal not captured

I suggest taking out all the breaking of the fourth wall, and make the story much more detailed. Really? Kid beats a buizal, heals it, then catch it? That wont work for most people. There needs to be much more plot. Sorry it was harsh....but thats what I think

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Alright, thanks.

 

Re: URPG Stories Chat & Feedback

Okey it was edited with my shory review