A Big Misunderstanding! A Bellsprout Story [Needs to be graded]

Re: A Big Misunderstanding! A Bellsprout Story

Rabadash let out a blast of fire above, setting the vines above ablaze. This gave the Bellsprout no place to escape.

"NOW RABADASH FINISH IT WITH FLAMETHROWER!"

A blast of flame went straight at the defenseless king, knocking the poor guy out.

"Time to keep your promise" stated Senzura. He then threw a pokeball right threw the flames at the Bellsprout. One shake...then another...

The flames disappeared as Senzura walked over to see if this crazy adventure had been worth it.

 

FINNALY DONE PROOFREAding

Its really ready for a grade now

 

Sorry for being late. ^^;

Plot: I’ll give you props for writing about a character who is less than perfect. I have never read about a character who suffered from ADHD and/or schizophrenia, so that’s major originality points for you. I would have had liked these flaws be showed more throughout the story rather than just during that small instance back at the academy. This is, after all, what defines him as Senzura to those who know him. His random outburst wasn’t just a one-time thing. Other than that, your plot jumped from place to place, and this doesn’t have anything to do with your short posts. First he starts out in the academy, then he’s training with Flannery, she then gives him a Torchic, and he is then in Petalburg Forest. There’s nothing wrong with having so many events, but none of them before Petalburg Forest were described or elaborated on so that we could get a good description of Senzura’s life. Each instance was more like a summary. We got to know very little about his time at the academy and about his training with Flannery.

Also, your lose realism points when you mentioned that Flannery had talked his parents into letting Senzura become a trainer. According to you, he has severe ADHD with mild schizophrenia. I can then assume that Senzura cannot complete tasks, loses focus to what he is doing, does not have the ability to think of the consequences of his actions, and he may even suffer from delusions and hallucinations from time to time. He may be able to keep down a job at an office somewhere, but all of this would put him in severe danger as a Pokémon Trainer. He might lose focus while hiking up a mountain and fall. He may grow bored of packing for a lengthy journey across a desert and then find himself lost and dehydrated. Any parent in their right mind would not allow such an unstable child to go out on their own with a creature that could end up killing their son. On top of that, you didn’t even mention what Flannery had said to convince his parents in the first place.

Introduction: Good introduction, with some bit of humor. I do think that you didn’t have to spout out all the information concerning Senzura just like that. Wheedling it into the opening paragraphs of your story might have made it more interesting. What’s the point of reading a story if you know the characteristics of the character and what happens to him later on? Also, you mentioned his attire, but other than that, you did not describe Senzura at all, and the same goes for his surroundings. For all I know, the academy might be located outside in a park, and the classroom might consist of students sitting on the floor. Even the most basic of details can do wonders to help the reader visualize what’s going on. You can always build on the description of your characters and your surroundings later on.

Grammar/Spelling: I understand you wrote this on your PS3, but grammar and spelling were poor. There were many, many typos and misspellings that I know you wouldn’t normally do. However, I can’t write off your mistakes to your PS3 and leave it at that. I glanced at your Duskull story and noticed it was cleaner than this one, grammar and spelling wise. That means you have the ability to go back and shape up your story. It’s your responsibility as the author to make the story as best as you can. We graders do not what you could have done but what you can do with your story.

You also tended to switch tenses from past to present. Keep an out for that.

P.S. It’s “Flannery,” not “Flanery.”

Length: Please include the length of your story somewhere in your posts; it was very tedious copying your posts into a character counter. After I did, I got 17K. Nice job.

Description/Detail: There were very, very few descriptions and details in your story. Everybody, from your main character, Senzura, to Flannery, his parents, and the Pokémon were not described. Every surrounding from the academy, to the rocky chambers, to Petalburg Forest was not described. Description will depend on the importance of the character or scene. Obviously, your main characters should be seen very clearly to the reader while the less important ones are not detailed as much. The same goes for your surroundings. You need to keep in mind that even the most scant of details will help the reader paint a mental picture of what’s happening. Once you get comfortable and used to describing what’s important, you elaborate on your description. You can go from describing Senzura and only him to describing Senzura and Flannery. You can then elaborate even further and describe his parents and his instructor.

Pokémon also need to be described because, really, who has mesmerized every detail of every Pokémon? Pokémon description provides a good reminder as to what a creature looks like while keeping you in the habit of describing everything.

Battle: It was short, although you did manage to get a good twist in there. All I recommend is for your to use more attacks from each side and avoiding repeating attacks. Both Pokémon have good move pools and egg moves. There is no excuse for a short battle such as this. The attacks, also, need to be elaborated on. Tell us how they were released, how they looked like, and what kind of damage it caused to the Pokémon.

Outcome: Although you have a good idea here, the plot jumped too much to the point of becoming random, and your grammar and spelling were poor. Bellsprout not captured! Go back and clean your grammar and spelling immensely, and I’ll give you the plant. PM me for a re-grade anytime!

- Kat

 

Okay I fixed up grammer and spelling the best I could, can I haz bellsprout nowz?

 

Your grammar has cleaned up a lot, despite the fact that there were still one or two here. Make sure you lose the asterisk that were scattered around. Also, a quick grammar lesson:

Note that a comma is needed after "backpack" because this and "the girl pointed out" makes continuity of thought. Never leave the dialogue hanging by neglecting to put a comma or period (or an exclamation point or question mark if it's an exclamation or question). Note that "the" is not "The". Look over your story and check out the dialogue.

Bellsprout captured! :3

- Kat