Zubat's Quest (Ready for Re-grading)

My second story.
Pokemon wanted: Zubat and if possible some of the other heroes as well; all of them are simple in difficulty. The others are Buizel, Cherubi, and Geodude
Length: around 7000 characters
Edit: the Pokemon are only speaking in English because they are the main characters. The humans in the story can't actually understand them.
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Deep in the darkest cave in the country, a lone Zubat hatched from its egg. Normally, Zubat populations are plentiful, especially in this region. However, times are unnaturally hard. Many Pokémon are dying from thirst and hunger, natural cures for diseases are low, and eggs are seldom laid. Years ago, a Slowking prophesied that “When the times are harshest and there seems to be no way for Pokémon to go on, the green on with no eyes and beige wings shall save us all.” The newborn Zubat just born happens to fit that description.

When the child hatched, the colony was rich with talk about the prophecy, and the child was treated with special care, always given his fill first. Now, the child had a big heart and did not want to be fed before the other kids. It often stored food to share with its friends. But we need to get on with the story.

You see, Zubat found that his species seldom left their underground home. But Zubat dreamed of something bigger. It wanted an adventure. So the young bat Pokémon left the cave in search of adventure.

“Mom, Dad, I have decided to leave home on an adventure. I just don’t feel like this is the place I belong anymore.”

“Son, we always knew you were destined for greatness, and I’m not just saying that because we’re your parents. You see, we were told by a Slowking that you would save all the Pokémon in the region. We don’t know how you’ll do it, but we know you will.”

“I’m not sure how to say this, but, good-bye, son”

And so the little Zubat started on his quest to save the Pokémon world. Meanwhile, in a large lab building somewhat far away…
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“How is the work on our weather controlling device, #2?”

“It’s almost finished, #1. After months of testing, it just has a few more bugs to fix.”

“Excellent. Soon all trainers will have to bow down to us or they and their Pokémon will have to suffer the consequences”
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As the young Zubat starts his journey, he was already posed with a problem: his species doesn't have eyes until it evolves. Echolocation works inside caves, but as soon as he got out, he was unable to navigate. As it turned out, the cave's exit led to a very dry forest, the bark was peeling off the trees and all the leaves on the ground would have given anyone the impression that it is autumn, if it weren't scorching hot.

“Where am I? I can’t see! Someone help me!” The young Pokémon’s yelling drew the attention of a Buizel.

“Hey, what’s with all the noise?”

“What? Who are you? Where am I?”

“I’m Buizel. Open your eyes, if you have any. By the way, I’ve been in a pretty bad mood since my pond dried up.”

“Maybe you can help me out. I’m on a journey to save the Pokémon world by making the weather return to normal.”

“Sounds… difficult, at the least. So let me get this straight… if we succeed, my pond will come back?”

“It probably will.”

“Alright, I’m going to come. But don’t expect me to call your name every five seconds so that you know where to go.”

“OK, let’s go. It looks like we should head toward where the heat is strongest. That is sure to lead us the right way.”
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Buizel is usually stubborn and proud, but because of the drought, he is just plain grumpy. The Pokemon usually doesn't like to work with others; he barely gets along with his own species.
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As Zubat and his new companion Buizel continued their journey, they entered a snow-covered forest. The trees are all deciduous, and there are many branches and logs on the ground because the trees aren't used to the weight of the snow. Even the lake in the northeast looks like a sad and deserted wasteland.

“I thought we were heading toward the heat,” complained the grumpy-as-ever Buizel.

“Well,” Zubat added,” we must be heading the right way. The weather is even more abnormal here. I mean, isn't this supposed to be the middle of summer, and isn’t summer supposed to be hot?

“Well, you give the phase ‘living under a rock’ a whole new meaning,” groaned Buizel. “Only someone who lived in a cave their whole life would ask such a silly question.”

“Hey!!”

“Well, it’s the truth!!”

“Um, excuse me?” added a third voice.” When you guys are done arguing, can you help me, please?”

"Huh?” asked Zubat. “Is someone there?”

“Who are you?” inquired Buizel.

“Oh, forgive me, my name is Cherubi. You see, this forest used to be warm all year, even in the winter. It was home to all sorts of grass Pokémon. But recently, this forest went into a deep freeze, sending most of the Pokémon away. I’m the only one left.”

“Well,” Zubat began,” we’re on a journey to return the weather to normal in our homes, too. Why don’t you come with us?”

“Well, since you offered, I’ll come with you,” Cherubi replied.

“Oh, great,” Buizel mumbled, “another kid to look after.”

“Well, let’s get going,” commented the enthusiastic Zubat.

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Cherubi is very shy and timid, but also curious and spirited. She has a tendency to point out the obvious, but once she sets her mind on something, she takes it very seriously.
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As our heroes continued on their quest, the weather conditions intensify everywhere. Blizzards raged in Cherubi’s forest, the sun was harsher than ever over Buizel’s pond, and the Zubat colony was starving like never before. The team’s journey led them into the aptly named Four-Rain Desert, which only rains on the first day of each season. This desert is incapable of supporting most forms of life; only Pokemon that can feed on raw minerals and rocks live here. However, with all this abnormal rain, the place is just a muddy mess. Any part of the land could turn out to be quicksand.

“Weird,” commented Cherubi, “the land is sandy, but it is pouring down rain”

“The weather sure is getting a lot weirder,” commented Zubat.

“What’s up with that weird rock?” pointed out Buizel.

“Who are you callin’ weird, you walkin’ traffic cone?

“Aah!” exclaimed Cherubi, “That rock just talked!!”

“And I ain’t no rock, either. The name’s Geodude. It’s been rainin’ for months, and I’ve just about had it.”

“Hey Buizel,” Zubat chuckled, “I think you just got topped for grumpiness”

“Oh, shut up”

“Hey,” Cherubi remarked,” You two better not start fighting again!’

“Anyway,” Zubat began,” we’re on a mission to restore the weather. Would you care to join us?”

“Yeah, okay,” Geodude replied, “I needed an excuse to get outta’ this rain anyway. But you'll want to know that all the rain has turned a lot of this land into quicksand.”

At that moment the wind changed direction and blew a small rock into one of the quicksand pits. A Sableye popped up from underground and snatched the stone for a quick snack.
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Geodude acts really tough, but can be easily influenced. He will not stand for what is wrong, and is too proud to even consider throwing in the towel. If he finds out he was tricked, I'll put it this way: RUN!!!
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As the team continued their journey, they encountered a large building with strange radio emissions. They disturbances in the weather are by far the strongest here, with massive thunderstorms. The building was strangely square, and it had no windows. Grass is the only plant in sight, and the building was monochrome, with a massive radio antenna sticking up from the center.

“This,” Zubat commented, “must be the place.”

“Everybody ready?” Buizel asked.

“There’s no turning back now.” Geodude pointed out.

“I’m not going to chicken out now” Cherubi commented.

“We’re going in,” Zubat stated, with a serious expression on his face.

The building was strangely unfurnished, with only a simple-looking machine in the center. It is completely cubical with nothing more distinguishing than the incredibly tall antenna that reaches the roof. There are also four small back rooms. Closer investigation reveals that the walls and floor in the otherwise plain white room is covered with a strange plastic coating.

As they entered the building, the group saw some shady-looking humans working on the very suspicious-looking machine. They are wearing solid black uniforms and the same strange plastic coating, covering all but their masked faces. The Pokemon experienced a sudden pain as soon as they entered the room.

“The machine is ready for its final test, #1.”

“Excellent work, #2. Now, #3 and #4, guard the entrance.”

“Uh, when exactly does that job start, #1?

“Right now. Why?!!”

“Because four Pokémon just entered the door!!”

“What?!! Everyone, send out your Pokémon”

The numbered criminals threw their Pokeballs, sending out a Floatzel, a Golem, and a Crobat. The fourth member of the group, who was the only woman, sent out a Cherrim.

“Wow,” Buizel stated sarcastically, more annoyed now than ever.

“No time for wisecracks,” Zubat explained,”let’s get ready to battle”

The Pokemon tried to launch attack at the enemy, but they seemed not to even notice. Cherubi tossed razor-bladed leafs at Floatzel, but it just batted them away with a spurt of water. Buizel launched a full blown blast of water at the massive Golem, but it retracted into its armor and spun around a little. Geodude blasted rocks at Crobat, but the massive purple bat Pokemon flapped it's wings and blew them toward Zubat just as the little green guy tried to sink it's poison-seeped fangs into Cherrim. He dodged, but just barely. However, the cracks in the wall gave the team an idea.

"Guys," Cherubi remarked, "maybe we can trick them into destroying that machine. Ugh, why are those guys not feeling this strange pain? It has to be coming from in here. Anyway, we need to deal with their focus. They seem to be determined not to attack us from a distance, or try anything reckless. Urrg!"

"I'm on it," Zubat said. "You may need to cover your ears."

Zubat emitted a high-pitched screech, a Supersonic attack meaning to confuse it's foes. As it hit, the Pokemon started attacking our heroes.

Buizel gathered the group, saying, "Alright guys, now's our chance. Let's lead them to attack the machine!"

The team moved to the machine, but the pain intensified as they reached the machine.

"Grr, this is even rougher than the rain in my desert," Geodude complained. "But we can't move until they launched the attacks."

"Wait, Golem, don't move," #4 tried to communicate to it.

The woman who went by #3 added, "Cherrim, listen to me!"

#2 begged, "Floatzel, snap out of it, please!"

The leader, #1, exclaimed, "Crobat, get back here! You can't be tricked by those hooligan Pokemon!"

But, with their ears still ringing from Supersonic, the Pokemon couldn't listen to the trainers. They furiously let loose with attacks so forceful, nothing would have been able to withstand the impact. Cherrim blasted with solar energy, Golem revved up for a rolling attack, Floatzel pumped up a blast of water, and Crobat flapped its wings to create blades from the air and send them at their pre-evolutions.

"Now!" Geodude exclaimed.

The heroes jumped out of the way just in time. The attacks collided with the machine, and it began to heat up. The first thing the Pokemon noticed was the disappearance of the incredible pain.

"No!!!" exclaimed #1. "Everyone, call back your Pokemon and let's get out of here!"

As the villains made their getaway, the heroes also left the building. After everyone escaped, the machine exploded and the storm calmed. The Pokemon knew that their mission was a success, and they had to go back to their homes. As they said their farewells, they went on their ways. When they arrived at their homes, everything was back to normal. And as the Pokemon lived their peaceful lives, they never forgot the friendships made on the fateful adventure.

 

Re: Zubat's Quest (Grade-ready)

Hi, there. So, about this story...
It starts with a good intro, which is probably the strongest part of your story. It gives backstory, and gives all the necessary information about the world your characters live in. It introduces your 'main character,' Zubat, and describes him.

The plot is... interesting, if unorthodox. Your hero sets out aimlessly to save the world, and meets people along the way. Their joining his party is rather abrupt, but that's a stylistic thing and is at least explained by the way they don't have anywhere else to go. All in all, you communicated the plot well enough, and rarely if ever left me wondering, "Wait, what's happening now?"

My criticisms, however, are more centered around a few odd problems with your narration. The main problem was that you changed what tense you were speaking in... a lot. There was even one time you switched from a past tense to a present tense within a single paragraph:

There's other times you do this, but it's most noticeable here. The transition after the first three paragraphs is fine, since those three are talking about the 'backstory' rather than current events, but choose either past tense OR present tense for the rest of your story.

Saying, "As they sent out their Pokémon, the following Pokémon appeared..." just seems redundant to me.
This might be better phrased as,
--"So, the criminals sent out the following Pokémon: Golem, Floatzel, Cherrim, and Crobat."
or,
--"With a flash of light, the following Pokémon appeared from the criminals' Poké balls: Golem, Floatzel, Cherrim and Crobat."


Grammatical/narrative stuff aside, your descriptiveness is... significantly lacking. Sure, it might have been justified by your main character being blind, but given the way you're using a very active 'narrator' character to speak directly to the reader ("You see, Zubat found...") that explanation is a bit of a long shot.
Essentially, your story could really use some more detail. What do the places the group travels through look like? What about the outside and inside of the building the criminals are in? Heck, could I please get at least a description of the criminals and their machine??
The problem here is that the reader can't know what the story's world looks like. You need to tell us at least enough information that we can fill in the blanks with our own imaginations... but as it is, your characters are walking through a big void of nothing.


Finally, the battle.
...
What battle?
One measly attack by each of the little Pokémon fighting their fully evolved forms? This isn't a battle, it's a cliffhanger that the reader is expecting to turn into a complete curbstomp. And your story just... ends, before the battle even starts. Please, please at least describe the moves, even if you're not going to make there be a real battle. That last, painfully anticlimactic paragraph could turn into a whole skirmish where the reader is left going, "Oh wow! I didn't think they could win, but that was awesome!"
While it's not something that I'm required to do, I feel compelled to give you an example of the battle that could have been. You don't have to make it this complex: Just finish the story, please! xD

^^ This is an example, just do your best even if it doesn't look like this in the end.

So yeah, while your intro was good, and the dialogue was even a bit witty at times, what really killed this story is the way nothing is described after the intro, and how the climax of the story-- the battle-- doesn't exist.
This might have caught an Easiest-rated Pokémon. Might. Put in some descriptions of your characters and the world around them, and an actual battle, and the story would qualify for a Simple, maybe even a Medium catch, depending on how good the revised stuff is.
As it is, though...


Result:
Zubat: Not Caught.
Feel free to edit this and message me for a re-grade when you're done. See you around!
~Magik~

 

Update:
This is much better. Good job!
The only thing I'd point out is that your newly-added descriptions are still in the present tense, while the story is now all in the past tense. So you end up with things like,

It's fine, though, and the story is much improved.

Result:
Zubat: Caught.