Zero's Tale (Part 1) The Snag Heard Around the World (needs to be Re-graded)

chracters: 13,056
here is my edited story ready for a re-grade

Desired Pokemon (Shinx)


Chapter 1

Dusk, the final hour in which the sun cast its last feeble glance of light over the great ocean. About that time, a sleek, black helicopter made its way through the sky. By this time, the sun was no longer visible and night fell like a shadow on a summer’s day. The helicopter, now completely hidden in the black of night, made its final approach to its destination, an island on which slept an extinct volcano. The helicopter began to descend towards the island. As it approached the landing platform, clouds of dust were sent up into the air. Then with a roar, the helicopter touched down, the rudders whirring and whirring until finally coming to a complete halt.

A man stepped out of the helicopter. He was wearing a long dark-purple cloak with the hood up over his head. As he stepped out onto the landing platform, a bunch of people ran out on to the platform. They formed two lines, one on either side of the hooded-man. The hooded figure walked between the two lines periodically looking from left to right inspecting the people. They were all wearing the same uniform, a red jumpsuit, black boots, and gloves that stretched to the wrist.

The man reached the door and was greeted by a tall, muscular man with bright blue hair. The man was wearing a long red cape with a large blue “C” on the back and had a metal battle glove on his right hand. Around His neck was a necklace in the shape of a Honchkrow. He was about 6 foot 5 inches and was very muscular. The Hooded man peered at the big man in front of him and followed the big man into the building.

“Hello boss how was the ride here?” asked the muscular man to the hooded figure.

“Fine,” replied the boss.

“Well Boss,” started the muscular man, Turning towards the hooded man, “I think should start mobilizing our troops immediately. We need to let the world know what we are made of. The World Must know of our Might!”

The hooded figure stopped walking and turned to face the muscular man.

“As your boss I am obligated to disagree with you Commander Krow,” began the hooded figure, “We are by no means ready to mobilize. It is too early for the world to know of our presence. If they find us now, they will begin to form a resistance. We need to remain a secret. On a different note, how is my ultimate shadow Pokemon doing?”

“It is coming along well sir, but still can’t see why we can not make our existence know to the world,” said Commander Krow

“Do not contradict my decisions Krow,” snapped the boss.

“Yes sir,” muttered Krow.

“Don’t worry Krow,” started the boss, “The world will know if our presence soon.”


The boss lowered his hood to reveal a scarred a horrible sight. The boss had what little hair he actually had tied back in a pony-tail. The boss had a long scar that crossed over his left eye.

“Don’t worry at all Commander Krow,” the boss continued, “the world will soon know of Cipher’s return! I, Cipher boss Samura will be the most powerful man on the earth! The world will soon know HELL!” The boss smiled evilly, and then began to laugh hysterically.



Chapter 2




Monday morning, a slow and quiet time at the Pokemon Research Lab. Zero had just opened up his eyes. He looked out the window for a second, and then pulled the covers up over his head. The last thing he wanted to do was get out of bed on a morning like this, but he knew that if he didn’t get up, he would receive a long lecture about responsibility and being on time from the lab director, his father, and that was the last thing Zero wanted. So, with a sigh, Zero let out a yawn, and got out of bed.

Zero was about 15 years old, and had only one Pokemon, and Eevee. His father had given this Eevee to Zero after he found that his Umbreon, and his Vaporeon, had an egg. So when the egg hatched, he gave the Eevee to his son, Zero. They both lived at the state of the art Pokemon Research Laboratory. Zero took a shower, got dressed and preceded to his father’s office. Zero stepped into the office only to find that it was empty.

“Well,” started Zero, “maybe this means I have the day off.”

“Ah, there you are Zero,” said a voice from behind him. Zero turned around to see his fathers assistant Benkei standing in the door way.

“The director is looking for you,” Benkei continued.

“Damn,” Zero muttered as he followed the assistant out of the office. They walked down a wide hallway into a glass elevator. The duo rode the elevator down two floors and got out. They then walked down another hallway and into a room that consisted of a few chairs, a table, and a tall something sitting atop the table covered in a sheet. Seated in one of these chairs, was Zero’s father, the lab director.

“Good morning Zero, please have a seat,” said the director.

“You know dad, you don’t have to address me formally you know, a simple sit down Zero would suffice,” responded Zero, taking a seat on the side opposite his father.


“Well, let’s get down to business,” began the director, “you do want to know why you are here right?”

“In all honesty, not really,” Zero said giving a look of sarcasm to his father.

The director stood up and pulled off the sheet that was over the thing on the table. The removal of the sheet revealed a glass case, and inside this case, appeared, what Zero took to be, a robotic arm.

“This Zero started the director, “is what is known as a Snag Machine.”

“Um, what is a Snag Machine exactly?” asked Zero, glancing at the machine in the case.

“The snag Machine,” began the assistant, “is a device that allows for the capturing, or, snagging of a shadow Pokemon.”

“What is a shadow Pokemon?” asked Zero.

“A shadow Pokemon Zero is a Pokemon that has had its hard artificially closed. They are used for one purpose and one purpose alone. They are used as fighting machines. They are engines of destruction,” The director answered.

The director continued, “However, there is a way to return the shadow Pokemon to its original state. The process is called, Purification. Once a shadow Pokemon has reached a certain point, it can undergo purification. This process re-opens the door to the Pokemon heart.”

“Currently we are re-developing a chamber that will allow for the purification of shadow Pokemon; however we are ways from being finished with it. The original chamber broke down about 10 years ago,” said the assistant.

“This brings us to why you are here Zero. I would like you to wear the Snag Machine,” said the director.

“Okay, sure, why not?” said Zero

The director and the assistant stood up and took the Snag Machine out of the case. After about five minutes, the machine was securely in place on Zero’s arm. Zero walked over to the mirror on the other side of the room to look at himself. He gave a whistle to indicate that he liked what he saw.

“Here is the final piece Zero,” said the director, handing Zero a pair of goggles, “these will allow you to see shadow Pokemon. Now Zero, you are ready to…”


KA-BOOM!


Chapter 3



“What in the hell was that?!” yelled the director, regaining his poise. Just then, a lab worker entered the doorway,

“Sir, someone set off a bomb in the east-wing,” the lab worker cried, running out of the room.

“Come on!” cried the director, running after the worker. Zero and Benkei were right behind them, Benkei desperately trying to keep up with Zero.

They arrived on the scene, and what met their eyes, came as an incredible shock. A gigantic hole in the wall was the evidence that a large bomb had been set off. A bunch of men wearing red uniforms were seen running out of the large hole towards a van.

“Sir,” cried one of the lab assistants, “The stole a bunch of or Purification data!”

“No!” cried the director”

“I got’em,” said Zero, jumping over the railing down the ground. Zero began charging after the criminals.

“ZERO, WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” the director called.

One of the thieves turned around to face Zero. The man pulled out a pokeball and threw it into the air.

“Go Shinx!” the man said, and in a burst of white light, a Shinx emerged in front of Zero.

Suddenly, the goggles around Zero’s neck began to vibrate uncontrollably.

“What the…” said Zero, grabbing the goggles.

“There is a shadow Pokemon near by Zero,” his father called down to him, “Put the goggles on!”

Zero slipped the goggles over his eyes and was shocked to see a bright purple aura now emitting from the Shinx.

“So this is a shadow Pokemon,” said Zero, “Alright, lets go kick some ass! Go Eevee!”

Zero’s Eevee burst from its pokeball and crouched down ready to attack. The man yelled something to the Shinx, and a burst of purple energy erupted around the Shinx’s front right leg. The Shinx leapt forward and made a swipe at Eevee. Eevee barley dodged and rolled over in order to get back on his feet.

The Shinx leapt forward for another attack. The man controlling the Shinx looked as calm as he could be. “Now Shinx, use shadow blitz,” the man said.

The Purple aura burst from the Shinx as it made a swipe at Eevee. There was a small exploding sound as the attack hit Eevee. Eevee let out a shriek of pain and rolled into Zero’s legs.

“Eevee, are you okay?” asked Zero picking up Eevee. Eevee shook its head and leapt from Zero’s arm.

“Now then, quick attack Eevee!” shouted Zero.

Eevee charged forward, ramming into Shinx, knocking it off its feet. Shinx leapt back up letting out about as loud a roar that a Shinx could make.

Now Shinx, Shadow Blitz again,” called the man.

“This guy should use a different attack,” said Zero, ordering Eevee to dodge it again.

“You want to see another attack? Well then, here ya go. Go Shinx! Shadow Down,” called the thief to the Shinx.

A burst of purple light was launched from the Shinx’s mouth toward Eevee. The Burst of light pegged Eevee and sent it reeling back.

Eevee tried to stand up but wasn’t able to.

“That move, it’s…it’s weakening Eevee!” said Zero to himself.
“Now, Shinx, hit him with shadow blitz!” cried the thief.

Shinx charged forward with the aura bursting from it.

“No Eevee!” called out Zero leaping forward. Zero dived and grabbed Shinx and pulled him out of the way of the attack. Zero slid on his back on the floor with Eevee in hand.

Zero put Eevee on the ground. Eevee struggled for a bit, then stood up, legs shaking.

“Okay Eevee, use quick attack!” shouted Zero. Eevee charged forward, slowly at first, but then began to dart forward with his quick attack. He rammed right into the Shinx surprising it and blasting the Shinx back. Eevee continued to ram into the Shinx. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM! Eevee would not stop the relentless assault upon the Shinx. Shinx was thrown back and landed unconscious on the ground.

“Wow, way to go Eevee,” said Zero.

“Zero,” called his father, “its weak enough, throw a ball at it now! Snag it!”

Zero grabbed a pokeball attached to his waist. As the hand with the machine grabbed the ball, the ball began to emit a weird light. Zero wound up, and hurled the ball at Shinx. The ball bounced of Shinx’s head, and a huge bright hand burst from the ball. It grabbed the Shinx and sucked it into the pokeball.

It shook once, Zero began to sweat. It shook again, Zero crossed his finger. It shook a third time, zero gulped. It stopped shaking; Zero gave out a yell of glee, knowing that he had snagged his first Pokemon.

The man ran towards the van the other thieves were already in. Zero ran after him, but arrived too late. The van drove away.

“Zero,” called his father. The director ran to Zero’s side.

“Dad, I failed,” muttered Zero.

“No son,” started his father, “you snagged a Pokemon successfully. There are just two things I am worried about. First, what they wanted with our data on purification, and two, why they returned for a third time.”

“Who returned?” asked Zero.

“Cipher son,” the director started, “Cipher has returned again.”


Chapter 4


The Cipher boss Samura was standing over a man crouching upon the floor of a large, open room. The man was wearing what appeared to be a bullet proof vest and shin and elbow guards. The man on the floor was one of Cipher’s many admin.

“You ordered an unauthorized attack on the research lab, without any permission. WHY?”

“Sir, I’m…sorry,” muttered the man on the floor, “ I over heard Commander Krow and you talking…and I thought that….It would be helpful…to…um…steal the purification data….from the lab…to aid the development of the ultimate shadow Pokemon.”

“Sorry isn’t going to cut it; however, you did gather valuable data about purification. With this data we will be able to be sure that our ultimate shadow Pokemon cannot be purified. However, you won’t be missed. XD0XX, DESTROY HIM,” Cried Boss Samura.

A large black shadow began to emerge over the admin cringing on the floor. There was a loud whirring sound as the shadow began charging some sort of shadow beam.

“No…no,” whimpered the man on the floor.

There was a huge whirring sound and then a loud BOOOSH!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” shouted the man on the floor.





END OF PART ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Re: Zero's Tale (Part 1) The Snag Heard Around the World (needs to be graded)

claimed expect a grade by tommorow night my time GMT-4

 

Re: Zero's Tale (Part 1) The Snag Heard Around the World (needs to be graded)

sorry for the wait:

Intro:

First off, ^ is not a sentence.
Section 1: The Hook
The close up on what the bad guys are doing reminds me of many movies I watched a long time ago. It is a good way of drawing interest: showing the evil first, then putting the reader in the viewpoint of the hero just going about his or her way.

Section 2: The Characters
You don't detail the two men well enough. I found myself confused trying to follow who was who. And then you refer one of them as the boss, but not by someone referring him to be the boss, you just say the boss said this. You should clear this up a bit.

Plot/Reality:
The plot is fresh; I haven't thought about the snag machine since I looked up Pokemon Patents in the US for my law class. Anyways... I like the continuation of the Coliseum Games. Everything was solid, except for the fact the you captured the Pokemon before I said so. The plot didn't move too far past the point, so there wasn't a need to actually capture it to finish the story, but this is minor.

One thing i didn't get was this:

If he was controlling it with his mind, why'd he yell at it?

Length:
Its fine.

Grammar:
There were a lot of fragments in your stories. When it is the first thing you read it really hits you that the writer has bad grammar, so watch what your reader is reading first.

You miss certain things
Possessives:

One words not two:

And word confusion:

Also, Snag Machine is a title, so it should be "Snag Machine," not snag Machine.

You tend to forget punctuations in the beginning which doesn't help your case either.

Lastly,
You tend not to use commas when directly talking to someone. When you address a person, their name comes before and/or after a comma:

Should be:

Details:
You don't really have much description. We need to know what your characters look like; you have such a good opportunity to, when one dresses, but don't act on it. Also, a good tip I've gotten a lot is that treat every story like the reader has never heard about Pokemon before. A description of the Pokemon and Moves would make for a more exciting story.

Battle:
This was the deal breaker. The climax of your story was WAY too short. Very short descriptions of moves and little variety made for a boring battle. Don't forget about paragraphing, it applies to Pokemon too;

Personal Feelings:
I was deeply troubled about the battle. I was expecting a big battle between Shadow Pokemon and Shadow Moves and regular Pokemon. Even though its a simple Pokemon, there needs to be a little more.

Verdict:

Spoiler

Wiggle:
Wiggle:No Capture

Clean up the grammar and beef up the battle and Shinx will be as good as purified.
Even

 

reclaimed i guess... i'll get to it sometime today

 

Ok let's do this. I will just address the changes you have/n't made instead of restating everything.

Intro:
One thing I forgot to mention in my last grade was this:
You say that they live at the "state of the art Pokemon Research Laboratory." However, you don't say where exactly this is in the Pokemon Universe. Maybe that's what you intended, but I thought you were trying to play off the Snag games. It's a minor thing, but I wanted to address it.

Section 2: The Characters
You did a much better job describing the two men speaking in the beginning. The reader is better able to disinguish between the two and Krow addressed the boss right away. Again, you don't describe what Zero looks like past the Snag Machine on his arm.

Plot/Reality:
I have to address the reason why I mentioned the capturing and continuing the story, since I recieved a complaint by one of your friends about it:

This is what Galleon said about Catching it. I didn't mark you down for it, which is why I believe your friend Senzura was complaining about it; I was just mentioning it.

Grammar:
You cleaned up a lot, yet some things I said weren't changed:

Addressing a person,

The first bolded, again, should be "Well, Boss" since the man is directly addressing the boss. Another thing in this paragraph is capitalization. "Boss" is fine, since the man is using it as his title and not a generic term (though the first time he says "boss" it is also a title and should be capitalized; it's the same way with President and president). The second bold should be lowercase since it isn't a new sentense. The last one was odd; I would understand if every word was uppercase, because it would accenuate his enthusiasm, but since you didn't it seemed like a mistake.

Also: Snag Machine

You forgot some punctuation:

Other mistakes:

Details:
You described the battle well with the moves, and you described the men in the beginning better for the reader to figure out who's who. However, you still didn't describe what the Pokemon look like. This was a good tip from a grade given to me: There are now 500+ Pokemon. It is hard to keep track of every single one. Plus, you have to imagine that the reader doesn't even know about Pokemon. So describing what color they are, what animals they resemble, descerning marks, etc. will help.

Battle:
Much Much Better! It was an appropiate length and amount of tension with the Shadow Moves for a simple story.


Personal Feelings:
Much better, just remember all the things I mentioned for future stories.


Verdict:

Spoiler

Spoiler

Here's your prize:


Now remember to purify it!

 

Thank you..i am putting it in the purify chamber now!