Where the Mirage Ends and the Truth Begins

(OOC: Don't grade this yet; I'm not happy with the wording. ><)

Sometimes...
- You can't even trust your own eyes -

It was nearing seven in the morning and the sun began to peak over the mountain range visible on the horizon. It began to envelope the foothills in a dreary light, slowly sweeping further and further across the land, awakening its beautiful hues of green. Anna's bright, blue eyes flickered as she was kissed by the sun's dull rays. She smiled softly, as if saying good morning to the day. She yawned, stretched, and lazily crawled out of her sleeping bag.

Curled up inside the hollow of a tree next to Anna was her loyal Umbreon, Nyx. Her white rings were glowing in rhythm with her soft, sleepy breathing. Still on her hands and knees, Anna crawled over to her Pokemon and gingerly laid her palm on Nyx's head, petting her glossy, black fur. "Umb," Nyx murmured as she slowly opened her eyes, focusing in on her trainer's happy face.

"Доброе утро," Anna said quietly with a grin. Nyx arose and licked her trainer's cheek, saying good morning in her own way. Anna also got to her feet and walked over to her backpack, pulling out a zip-lock bag of Pokemon food for Nyx and a bright red apple for herself. The partners leaned upon against what Anna affectionately referred to as 'their tree' and ate their breakfast, watching the vast grassland come to life before them.

A wide array of Pokemon calls quickly filled the air. From the coos of a flock of Pidgey, to the squeaking of a Rattata family, the world of Pokemon was ready for Anna... and Anna was ready for it. Deciding that she could wait no longer, Anna chucked her apple core into a patch of dirt and excitedly changed out of her pajamas and into her everyday clothes. Anna quickly slipped into her light blue and white floral sundress, a pair of black and blue checkered flats, then sloppily brushed through her long, wavy brunette hair. In a haste, she packed up her sleeping bag and turned to Nyx, beckoning with a wave of her hand, "Ну... Идем!"

The duo walked no more than five steps before a voice called to them. "Hey, you! Lady!"

Anna stopped mid-step and swiveled around, surprised by the presence of another human. The voice had come from what looked like a young man, but he was too far away to tell. "Что... Err, what?" Anna shouted back, forgetting that he probably couldn't understand Russian. Impatiently, Anna crossed her arms in front of her and began tapping her foot. She didn't have time for trainers, there were Pokemon out there just waiting to be captured.

Defensively, Nyx jumped in front of her trainer, growling to intimidate the newcomer if need be. As the stranger got closer, Anna could see that he was just a young boy. She nodded to her Umbreon, giving the signal to back down. Nyx obediently listened and sat down in front of her trainer's feet, still eyeing the unwelcome visitor suspiciously.

The boy stood in front of Anna, doubled over and holding his knees, gasping to catch his breath. In an airy voice, he said, "Ple-please. H-elp... m-m-me," he looked up at Anna, tears beginning to pool. There was genuine concern in his hazel eyes and Anna sighed.

"What happened? What's wrong?" She asked, slightly worried. The young boy wiped away a few tears and swept a few messy strands of blond hair out of his face.

"This scary, mean Pokemon... it's chasing me!" He began to cry and wrapped his arms around Anna, burying his face into her summer dress. Anna let out a little chuckle and gently put an arm around the terrified boy.

"Don't worry, I'm sure it isn't trying to hurt you... it probably just wants to play."

Upon hearing this the boy began sobbing harder. "No-no-no!" He paused momentarily to continue bawling, "You don't understand! Its been attacking me!" The boy did appear to be fatigued and disoriented, although there didn't appear to be any physical wounds; not a trace of a bruise or a bleeding gash.

Anna frowned and redirected her gaze towards Nyx, who was visibly angered and ready to take action. "All right. Well, we'll take care of this Pokemon for you, right Nyx?" The Umbreon growled and nodded, her fur standing on end. This, in turn, made the boy cringe and he grabbed at Anna's dress once again. Anna patted him on the head. "Don't be afraid of Nyx. She's going to help you." The boy flashed a weak smile and nodded.

No sooner than Nyx had readied herself, rustling could be heard in the tall grass. Whatever the assailant was, it was heading their way quickly. The boy ran and hid behind Anna, cowering in the fetal position. Anna stood her ground and was ready to face the menacing beast the moment it reared its ugly head. Nyx began to snarl again, baring her sharp, white fangs that were glistening with saliva.

"Raaa," cried the beast as it ran into the clearing. Anna tried her best to keep from laughing, but after a few snickers, she began to giggle uncontrollably. The big, scary beast was no more than a foot and a half tall and didn't have claws or fangs... it didn't seem to have a pair of eyes. It had, what appeared to be, a light blue helmet with pink horns and looked as if it were wearing a milky, white dress.

An electronic voice from Anna's pocket made itself known. "Ralts. The Feeling Pokemon. Ralts senses the emotions of people using the horns on its head. This Pokémon rarely appears before people. But when it does, it draws closer if it senses that the person has a positive disposition."

Anna quickly switched off her Pokedex. She watched curiously as the small Pokemon ignored Nyx's menacing threats and ran towards the boy. The boy whined, tears welling in his eyes; he was too afraid to move. The horns on the Ralts' head began to glow and a strange blue aura emanated from them, quickly surrounding the boy. Anna grabbed her Pokedex, pressed a button, and the electronic voice spoke once again. "Ralts is capable of using the attack Imprison, allowing it to keeps its opponents from fleeing."

Anna smiled wholeheartedly. The Ralts wasn't trying to attack the boy, it was just trying to be friends. Sensing that the boy was cheerful and positive, it only wanted to be around him and feed off of his energy. -- It was simply trying to keep the boy from running away. Regardless, it was terrifying the young child and something needed to be done. "Don't worry, we'll get this little guy away from you. Nyx, use Confuse Ray!"

Nyx's eyes began to glow blue and bright flash of light enveloped the Ralts. The small Pokemon began to stumble around and grabbed at its head, the confusion beginning to take its awful hold. This disrupted the Ralts' Imprison and the boy quickly ran to hide behind 'their tree', clearing the battlefield. He curiously peaked around the corner, safely viewing the ensuing match.

Frustrated, the Ralts released a blast of psychic energy, a Confusion attack. Despite its disorientation, the attack landed and Umbreon was covered in a blanket of pink energy. Nyx grinned cunningly and shook off the attack. Its psychic attacks were completely powerless against the dark-type Umbreon.

"Hah! Nice try, but you'll never stand a chance if you keep attacking like that," Anna said tauntingly. "Now, Nyx. Let's play with it a bit before we knock it out -- Focus your Energy!" Nyx closed her eyes, dug her sharp claws into the soft earth, and began to tighten her muscles, her rings glowing brightly. The Ralts, still confused, began to make a lone patch of grass glow. Leaves, surrounded in colorful psychic energy, began to rise. In a flash, they began flying towards Nyx, but due to its confusion, the Ralts accidentally reversed their path, causing them to fly directly into its body; the Magical Leaf attack ended in failure.

"Отлично!" Anna yelled enthusiastically, "That's enough preparation, let's go offensive now. Nyx, let's try a tackle!" Nyx began to charge towards the Ralts, its body lowered for ultimate speed. Luckily for it, the small Pokemon managed to stumble out of the way, dodging the attack. Violently, it shook its head, snapping itself out of confusion. Again, the grass began to glow and leaves were sent flying towards Nyx. They scathed the Umbreon's body, drawing a few droplets of blood, and she growled from the stinging pain.

Seeing her Pokemon's anguish, Anna furrowed her brows. "Nyx, let's finish it off before it attacks again. Use your Faint Attack!" Nyx began to disappear into a purple haze and quickly charged her opponent. The attack was unavoidable and connected with the little Ralts' chest, sending it flying. It skidded across the ground and attempted to lift itself up... but after a few shaky tries, it collapsed, emitting a small, "Ral," in defeat.

"All right, Nyx! Great battle!" Anna cheerfully yelled to her Pokemon. Nyx, equally as thrilled, ran over to her trainer and nuzzled her leg. Anna then reached into her pocket and pulled out a Pokeball. "We could use a psychic Pokemon on our team," she said as she threw it at the Ralts. The ball shook three times and then made a ping sound, indicating its capture. "Well... that was easy," Anna said, picking the Pokeball up.

The little boy stepped out of his hiding spot and slowly walked over to Anna. He reached out and lightly pulled on her dress. "Uhm... miss? Thank you for saving me," he said looking down, too embarrassed to make eye contact. Anna was slightly surprised. In the heat of the battle, she had nearly forgotten about him. She squatted, lowering herself to his eye level.

"You're welcome, little boy. I'm Anna," she said with an inviting smile. The little boy, happy now, returned the friendly smile.

"And I'm Aaron!"

Anna sighed and looked at the Pokeball she held in her hand. She held it out the boy. "Here. This Pokemon was only chasing you because it wanted to be friends. You should keep it." The boy took the Pokeball from Anna's hand and examined it. He rapidly shook his head no and began to hand it back.

"No. You keep it. I-I just can't," he said, starting to get upset again. Anna quickly took the Pokeball back, she didn't want Aaron to start crying again. She put the Pokeball into her pocket and shrugged.

"Okay, if you say so. Now, Aaron. Do you need someone to escort you home?" The boy shook his head no once again and ran off giggling, just as quickly as he had arrived. At one point, he looked back and waved, then quickly faded out of Anna's sight. Anna, quite confused, looked down at Nyx who mirrored her trainer's dumbfounded expression. "Well... that was very strange." She began to wonder if she had seen a ghost or if she had been dreaming; she'd never know. But she did have a new addition to a team. This... she knew was the truth... and not just a mere mirage.

If captured:

Mirage (Ralts)
Gender: Male
Nature: Modest
Ability: Trace​

 

Anna lied. I'm allowed to grade this.

 

I had this done for a week, but apparently forgot to post it. *headdesk*

Introduction/Conclusion: I have major qualms with this. Not so much because of the textual part of the introduction…. It lies more with the fact that you have this bright pink fade-out font that’s all YOU CAN’T TRUST YOUR EYES, and then you don’t really talk at all about why that is, or show it in the story. There is this “OH. MAYBE THAT WHOLE THING WAS AN ILLUSION.” But thought process/descriptive explanations-wise on the author’s part, I can’t see that conclusion at all. Now, this is admittedly a… slightly odd situation. Still, you didn’t tie the idea of that, WOW, WHAT THE HECK? observations in with the “Clearly, the only logical response to this situation is to ASSUME I HALLUCINATED IT” reaction.

This becomes an issue with the introduction because an introduction’s purpose is to give an audience a vague idea of what to expect. It’s one thing when you tell ‘em to expect something, and deliver partially on that, but then have a digression of some sort. It’s entirely another when you promise something, then don’t deliver throughout the story, but hammer the idea on at the end without building on it thoroughly. You made me feel cheated. XD If you’re making a statement about an idea, you gotta keep it consistent. If you mention that idea right off in the beginning, you have even more pressure to deliver.

Plot: Hm. It certainly wasn’t bad. But I’d expect to see something like this more at a Simple Capture level. I definitely didn’t see much of anything besides a battle. It basically consisted of a strange encounter that preceded a Pokémon encounter. Then, the end. In a short-ish story like this, there are three basic plot alterations.

• [1.] “Character development” tends to be the “content insert of choice.” You certainly had snippets of a character—I learned that she is Russian, has been traveling for a bit, is decently kind hearted and a wee bit impetuous… but I didn’t see that in action. Her reactions to the situation with Aaron seemed thin. You didn’t make me feel anything for the character. Getting more into her head with the description of the events could strengthen things.
  
  [2.] Adding elements is an option, albeit a difficult one (barring the initiation of a complete overhaul). Although this is a progressive journey fic, and über exciting happenstances can’t exactly occur every moment, a bit more complexity wouldn’t be misplaced. Try to build up a situation of interest. Morning ablutions aren’t all that engrossing; consider adding some spice. Perhaps Nyx is sick, and Anna needs to get him to a Pokécenter; perhaps Anna herself is running from an overly aggressive Pokémon. Maybe there’s been a natural disaster that set off massive Pokémon aggression and relocation. (None of these actually work for your story, baha. BUT THEY’RE EXAMPLES.)
  
  [3.] Your alternate option is to fix up what you’ve got without adding more. Given that there’s actually opportunity to compose a very strong “idea” theme/atmosphere situation, I’d take this route over the others. This is mostly in the form of the concept of illusion. I wager that, were the presentation altered to actually incorporate this idea that you semi-introduced, all of the “where’s the relevance?” questions would go away. The desire for a complicated plot can be pretty much negated if you turn the focus from “what happens” to “what it means.” See detail section.

Grammar: Nicely done. There weren’t any genuine repeated errors; everything I have to say comes from the nit-picky “wanna get better? Consider this” perspective, as opposed to… FIX IT. IT’S WRONG.

There was an instance or two in which your dialogue tag wasn’t all that… dialogue taggy. Which is to say, with the grammatical formation you have now, “he looked up at Anna” doesn’t modify the dialogue in the way tags are generally expected to. He can look up at Anna without speaking first. A dialogue tag is a specific modification—“Help me,” he pleaded/said/begged on his knees… These phrases are dependent on the tags. While there is a certain level of ambiguity when it comes to certain actions (some would say phrases like “he coughed” or “he gasped” can’t act as dialogue tags), the phrases you used were not particularly arguable. There were various instances in which you tacked on such stand-alone clauses, so keep an eye on that.

Other than that, watch the sections where you get into longer sentences. Sometimes in the battles, your complex structures rambled along the lines of run-ons. You know how to write a good sentence, though, so just keep an eye out for that while editing.

Details: Where you included detail, it was strong for this level—and you did include detail quite often. Spots were chosen well ‘n whatnot. The only issue I’ll point out at this point in your story is not so much an issue with “details” as an issue with “consistency” when it comes to what you’re trying to communicate. Normally, this wouldn’t be much of an issue… but considering that it was really the only “Oh, that sounds interesting” hook to the story, and considering that the hook didn’t actually exist for more than four sentences, problems arise.

So. Your title is “Where the Mirage Ends and the Truth Begins.” Your beginning sentence was, “Sometimes, you can’t even trust your own eyes.” Your final sentences were, “She began to wonder if she had seen a ghost or if she had been dreaming; she'd never know. But she did have a new addition to a team. This... she knew was the truth... and not just a mere mirage.”

Where is that in the story? Why would she have thought that her experiences were hallucinations? Why do you, as the author, want to make a point about illusion? These are all questions that your narrative details need to answer. Part of what made this story “incomplete” was the fact that your main point seemed to be “idea,” not plot… and the idea wasn’t actually observable. To make it more obvious, describe things as if they’re… odd. When you use adjectives, make them eerie; suit the actions and the thoughts to the idea. Maybe the kid’s hair glows; maybe Anna sees his hand waver out of the corner of her eye, and is all, OKAY, WELL, I MUST BE TIRED. Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t—but if you’re going to deal with the idea of doubt, you need to show it consistently in the character and imagery. Play up the fact that the battle is weird—show us how it’s weird that this Pokémon is using Psychic moves on a kid, but also why it’s weird that the kid is freaking out about it. Thoughts, actions, words—again, those are your tools. So use ‘em to say what you want to say.

Battle: Watch your ratio. A few paragraphs on intro, a few paragraphs of conclusion, and a page or so of battle situation is acceptable for a Simple Mon, but Medium Mons generally want for a bit less fighting and a bit more happening.

As to the effectiveness of the battle… This was actually very well-suited to the story in matters of move progression and Pokémon interaction. There are the description inconsistencies I mentioned earlier, yes, but you also kept a very nice feel of, “This thing isn’t dangerous, it’s not doing anything to the kid… but we need to get everyone to calm down” to the actions. The Confuse Ray and Ralts’ subsequent disadvantages were handled well, but without making an overly uneven or particularly uneventful battle. I would expect a Ralts vs. Umbreon battle conclude easily, which this did. Overall, nicely done.

Length: Barely meets the standards. Normally, length doesn’t matter. In this situation, more length would not have been misplaced, especially as you didn’t seem to “write the whole story,” concept-wise.

Verdict: Uh. This was an odd choice to make. You wrote a story that was far from awful, but at the same time, aspects of it didn’t quite reach as far as I’d expect from a Medium Mon. The minimal length combined with a Simple Mon level plot tipped me away from giving you a good to go. Ralts not captured. The method to strengthen the plot and length is going to be “consolidating your ideas.” If you give more relevance to what happened in the story, the plot will feel a little bit more coherent and complex. In the process of working in more details that give the impression you want, you’ll also get more length.