What Have I Done? (Already Graded)

I need someone to grade this por favor.

Characters: 25182

OOC: Alright guys, this is only my second story but i'm going to try to make it awesome. Also, a warning: This is going, to be a dark, violent, gruesome story, so if you're squeamish or are in a good mood and don't want to wreck it, don't read this.

Also, to the grader, the four pokemon i'm trying to catch are: A male Nidoran, a female Poliwag, a female Shinx, and a male Murkrow.

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Once upon a time, there was a girl and a boy. They were only fourteen when they set out on their journey, but had many adventures and raised their pokemon as best they could. Together they were unstoppable, as their different battling styles complimented each other perfectly. The girl used two rare, powerful pokemon, while the boy had four common unevolved, but still very strong pokemon. At first they were the best of friends, but as their journey progressed, they fell deeply in love. After they defeated Fourtree Gym, they decided to take a break from traveling in Lilycove, where they would wait for the Master Contest to begin. They hoped one day, after they had beaten the pokemon league, to come back and live in this beautiful city, full of life, love and pokemon, the things they cherished above all else. Maybe they would even be married. The girl could never have children, but they could raise their pokemon and they would still be happy.

But that would never happen. Could never happen, the girl reminded herself as she thought back....
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The rain was pouring down on the glass window, pounding out a rhythm that mimicked the beating of her own heart. Bump-bump, Bump-bump, Bump-bump. A fire blazing in the fireplace filled the room with warmth and licked hungrily at the pine wood that was keeping it alive. In an armchair next to the fireplace, was Pigeon's Blaziken, Blaze. Blaze was reading Great Expectations for the fourth time. He'd never been like other pokemon. On the rug by his feet, was Angel, the Absol. She had fallen asleep long ago, as Pigeon wished she could, with the smell of pine and cinnamon in the air, the drumming of the rain, and the late hour of the night, but she was still up waiting for Sky to get back.

It was like him to be out late, he might have found a lost Glameow by the side of the road, or heard a band playing on the streets and decided to play along, but he had never been out this late.... She never worried, but something in the pit of her stomach told her that there was something very wrong.

She looked up at Blaze and told him, "I'm going out to the garden to see if maybe he's out there working and didn't bother to come in."

Blaze just nodded slightly. It wasn't unusual for Sky to be out at night, staring intensely at the stars and losing himself in the beauty of the heavens. Pigeon opened the front door quietly, so as not to wake any sleeping pokemon, and slipped outside into the chilly midnight air. It was mid December and close to Christmas, the weather forecast had predicted it would snow soon and she looked up to see storm clouds blocking out the stars. She knew if he couldn't see them, he wouldn't be out back, but she decided to look anyway. Little did she know, her life was about to change.

Her stomach churned as she got closer and closer to the back gate. Her mind started playing tricks on her and she saw shadows moving out of the corners of her eyes and heard screams from far away. Wait a minute. She did hear muffled screams! She broke into a run, and hopped the garden gate not bothering to unlock it. The screaming was coming from the small barn in the back of the yard. Carefully, she slowed her pace, and peaked through the window on the barn door.

She nearly screamed herself. She saw Sky's body lying on the floor, bleeding, leaking so much blood she thought it would flood the entire world. The pool of deep maroon blood grew larger as she stood there gaping, quietly praying to God that it was only a dream. A terrible, horrible nightmare. She had no idea what to do. Blaze and Angel were in the house, and it would take too long to fetch them. She knew the only thing she could do was open the barn door, but she was paralyzed with fear. Still, seeing Sky laying there unconcious, his chestnut hair now sticky with his own blood made her seeth with anger. Her conflicting emotions swirled inside her and formed a vicious hurricane of willpower that left her no other option, but to open the door.

She flung the door open and rushed forward to Sky, trying to find the wounds that were letting his life flow away. He had been stabbed repeatedly in the stomach and chest, and his wrists had been slit. She felt for a pulse, and found one, but it grew shallower and shallower. She started to move back towards the door, to find a phone so she could call 911, but someone grabbed her from behind. A man in a suit as red as the blood that now coated the floor of the barn, held her waist with one hand and covered her mouth with the other. She tried to scream, bit he simply pulled out a switchblade and held it to her throat.

"I found something," he snarled menacingly. Slowly, two other men wearing the same suit crept out of the shadows, their eyes glowing like demons.

"Isn't that the girl that saved that researcher?" one asked.

"Yeah, and she stole the boss's meteorite, too, didn't she?"

"I think she did," said the one holding her, "The boss will like this. He loves young ones."

She squirmed as hard as she could, twisting against the man who held her. She now knew who these men were. They were Team Magma, a terrorist group her and Sky had stopped from destroying the world and killing hundreds. She was no longer afraid of the knife the grunt holding her oushed against her throat. She knew what came next, and she would rather die then face it.

"Maxie, come here. We've got a present for you."

Out of the back of the barn crept a man wearing a black suit, his flaming red hair swept back elegantly. At the sight of him, Pigeon nearly hissed in anger. This monster was going to kill her, and he was going to kill Sky. It was unacceptable! It could never happen! She squirmed harder and almost broke free, but one of the grunts punched her in the side of the head and she fell down, too dizzy to move. She tried to get up, but flopped back down like a bird with a broken wing.

Maxie smiled, a smile that would send chills up the devil's spine as he looked at her, "Is that you Pigeon? I was delighted to see Sky, but seeing you here too? I am absolutely elated."

His hand reached forward and slapped her across the face. She began to moan and sob, and beg that would he kill her, would he please just kill her.

He sneered and said, "Gag her."

One of the grunts grabbed a rope and wound it around her mouth. It muffled her screams and sobs, and as she looked over at Sky, she noticed rope burns around his mouth, where he had been gagged too. She let out a loud sob, more for Sky's pain then her own.

Maxie leaned forward and whispered in her ear, "I'm going to kill you, but first I'm going to use you," he softly stroked her dirty blonde hair, then took the knife and cut a few strands of it off, "I'm going to keep this as a...souvenir."

He placed the hair in his pocket, then took the knife and cut her wrists. Pigeon's eyes rolled in the back of her head with the pain.

"That my dear, is only the beginning," the goons in the background looked nervous, but excited at the prospect of fresh blood. They leaned over her like vultures, staring greedily at what they knew they could have, once the main predator was finished.

Maxie bent down and began to remove her skirt, his hands gently brushing her sides. She shook her head and with her eyes begged him not to, but he wouldn't listen. He started to take off her shirt when one of the goons screamed. Maxie flipped around and saw one of the grunts was rolling on the ground, burning alive. In the doorway were Blaze and Angel. They had never looked so frightening. Angel's back was arched like a cat's and she bared her fangs in a terrible grimace. Blaze looked like a demon, his hands and feet flaming, as he let out a primal scream.

"This isn't over," Maxie told her,"I promise you, this is not the end."

He reached over and kissed her cheek softly, then stabbed her in the stomach, leaving the knife buried inside her, and he fled. The Magma grunts followed, except for the one that Blaze who attacked who was no longer moving. Still bleeding, Pigeon crawled over to Sky's body. She tried to take his pulse, but when her hands touched his skin, his eyes flew open and he tried to say something. She saw emotion flash through his amber eyes, but then they closed again, and Sky took his last breath.

After making sure that Maxie's henchman was dead, Blaze came over to her and cut the rope around her mouth. Pigeon gasped and started crying. It wasn't normal crying, it was a sound as old as the Earth itself. It was a terrible keening sound that spoke of loss, hatred, unrequited love, betrayal, and the deep, dark journey of the human soul through it's last breaths. Blaze and Angel tried to pull her away gently, but were unsuccessful, she only grabbed onto Sky's body and wouldn't let go. She staid by his side until all the warmth he had in life had left his body. She paid no attention to her own wounds that leaked blood all over. She had barely even bothered to pull out the daggar in her stomach after Maxie left. Finally, she let Blaze pick her up, when she heard a noise.

Sky's pokeballs rolled out of his pocket and opened by themselves. There was no red flash of light as his pokemon were released, they just floated out in a black fog. When a trainer died, his soul no loner connected him to his pokemon, and the pokemon returned to the wild to mourn, before either being recaptured or dying of grief.

First came Dysmas, Sky's Murkrow, who flapped unceremoniously out of the barn and into the darkness. Then Sparks, his Shinx, who scurried out of the barn like a feral cat. After that, Venom, his male Nidoran, left through a hole in the wall. Finally, Waves, Sky's Poliwag tried to escape.

"Don't let her go," murmered Pigeon, half unconcious, "She's all I have left of him."

Angel tried to leap forward and picke up Waves in her jaws, but the slippery Tadpole Pokemon escaped. Pigeon reached into her pocket and pulled out a pokeball, which she threw at where Waves had been. Angel was confused, but picked up the pokeball and shoved it back in Pigeon's pocket. Pigeon went limp. She was dimly aware of Blaze running with her in his arms, Angel following behind them, and being taken to a Pokecenter. A dim vision of Nurse Joy gasping, "Oh my God!" when Blaze set her down on the counter. Before finally passing out, she watched Blaze and Angel follow her into the emergency room and refuse to leave. Then, she let herself go.
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The incident grew in fame until reporters were constantly knocking at her door. That is, they were until Blaze made an example of one, by dangling him over the balcony of the house she'd been staying in with Sky. After that, there were considerably less reporters badgering her.

Still, she had to deal with the police constantly badgering her. Finally, she lost her temper when she was being questioned for information about Team Magma.

"If you've never caught any of them before, what makes you think you will now," she hissed under her breath. When Angel began to growl at the officer, he decided it was time to leave.

Luckily, the man who had been renting the house to her and Sky, generously told her she could live there free of charge until she recovered. If she ever did. For the first few weeks after the incident, she was bedridden. The stab wounds Maxie had inflicted, had dealt serious damage to her stomach, and had severed some important muscles. Blaze and Angel staid by her the whole time. The hospital gave her a wheel chair, and Blaze began to push her around in it, taking her for walks around the city she had once loved. He read to her, even though he couldn't speak English. He even had to help her bathe and carry her to the bathroom, which embarassed him at first, but he grew used to. Angel would sit by her feet and watch her when Blaze had to do something that required opposable thumbs, like cooking. At night, Angel would stay awake with her until she fell asleep, even though Pigeon would go days without sleeping.

Nothing helped. Eventually, Pigeon started walking again, at first with a cane, then finally, by herself. She never left the house and would lay on the couch staring blankly at the television, even when it was off. One day, she looked in the mirror and flinched at her appearence. Her once pretty blonde hair, had grown brittle and unkept. Her face was lined with wrinkles and frown marks, and her eyes were bloodshot, but what was most startling of all, was that her eyes, which had been an azure blue, were now a dull and listless gray.

After that, she began to pack her things. Blaze came in to check on her and stared at her inquisitively.

"We're going to travel again, Blaze," Blaze seemed excited at first, but then became suspicious. He went to get Angel. When she saw what Pigeon was doing, her and Blaze argued for several minutes about what to do.

"I don't care what you're doing, but I'm going on a journey. We're going to find Sky's other pokemon and kill the other two grunts and Maxie."

Blaze and Angel looked at each other and sighed. All they could do was follow their trainer. The next day they set out on the road.

For months, they tracked down all they knew about the two grunts, Maxie, and Team Magma in general. Most people were willing to help, and they finally got a lead. One of the grunts lived in Fallarbor. On the way there, Pigeon caught a Skarmory that she used to fly the rest of the way.

On the outskirts of Fallarbor, she turned to Blaze and Angel, and told them, "You don't have to do this," but they knew they did. The blood on their hands, wouldn't matter, as long as they kept Pigeon safe.

They found, the grunt's address nearby, and opened the door. The grunt had his back turned to them, he was watching television in the dark, and was too absorbed in what he was watching to notice them. Pigeon leapt at him like a wild animal. She gripped his throat in her hands and squeezed as hard as she could.

"How does it feel!?" She demanded, "How does it feel to die?"
She pulled a knife out of her pocket and sliced one of the grunt's ears off. The grunt screamed in pain. They wrestled for a few moments, but Pigeon was like a tiger. She snarled and blocked each one of his blows, slashing him all the while. Finally, she backed him into a corner.

"Please, have mercy," he whispered. This enraged her more than anything else.

"There is no mercy! Did I not once ask you for the same thing?"

"Please, I'll do anything," he begged.

"Bring Sky back."

"I can't," There was now panic in his eyes.

"Then die," she leapt forward and stabbed him in the throat. She watched coldly, as he convulsed on the floor, the blood rushing out of him as if it was trying to escape. With no emotion, she waited until he stopped breathing, "At least I finish the job."

Angel and Blaze felt no compassion for the man who had once hurt Pigeon, but they still felt chilled by what they had seen. Pigeon had once been so gentle, and she had loved everyone and everything. However, they hardened their hearts as they knew killing was something they would have to get used to.

As they left town, Pigeon caught something out of the corner of her eye. A flash of purple that made her turn around.

"That's Sky's Nidoran! It has the same notch in its ear! Blaze use Flamethrower!"

Blaze stared at her with a confused look on his face, thinking that Pigeon was joking. There were no Nidoran anywhere near Fallarbor Town, and he certainly didn't see one, but Pigeon kept looking at him expectantly. Blaze sighed, and let out a stream of fire that badly burnt the ground where Pigeon had claimed she saw the Nidoran. He stomped the ground for good measure and stepped away so Pigeon could throw a Pokeball. Pigeon paused, as if she were waiting for it to finish shaking, and then she bent down and picked it up.

It was many more months before they could get a location on the other grunt. He had left Team Magma and settled in Slateport. This would be more tricky, as Slateport was a big city, filled with possible witnesses. As they approached the city, they felt their hearts change. Instead of hardening to hide from themselves what they were doing, they felt their hearts shudder and beat faster and faster as they approached their next kill. There was a blood lust now that was part of who they are. In his reading, Blaze had heard of Wendigos, men and Pokemon who killed and were transformed into terrible demons, who's thirst for blood could only be quenched by the deaths of innocents.

"We'll have to be careful," Pigeon told Angel and Blaze, "They euthanize Pokemon for harming humans." If she lost Angel and Blaze, she would never have any hope of surviving.

Angel and Blaze were already too far in to back out. This time, they tracked the grunt to a seedy apartment building. The place was filthy and filled with people who matched it. Pigeon and her pokemon stepped into an old elevator. As it took them up to the sixth floor, it creaked and groaned almost malicously. The hallway it left them in had faded carpet and a man was passed out by a doorway. Farther down, was the room they needed. Pigeon tried to open the door but found it was locked. Blaze kicked it down.

"What the hell was that?" Yelled a girl from the living room, "Lenny, I think you have visitors! Who are you and what the hell did you do to the door?" Pigeon stabbed her with the knife in the chest. The girl tried to scream but coughed up blood. The girl tried to grab at Pigeon, but Pigeon quickly kneeled down and slit her throat.

"Loretta! What is it Loretta?" the grunt came around the corner, and seeing Pigeon wielding the knife, he froze. "What-?" his question was cut short when he looked down to see his girlfriend bleeding on the floor. He screamed and Pigeon chased him into the bedroom where she tried to stab at him with the knife.

"Why?" he asked.

"For what you did to me and Sky," his eyes widened in recognition and he began to shake with fear and pain.

"I ain't like that no more," he tried to tell her, but she wouldn't listen. As she tried to stab him again, he opened the window and leapt to his death. A few seconds later, she heard screams from the ground. Pigeon looked out the window and saw his broken body lying on the cement. She returned Angel and Blaze to their pokeballs, and released her Skarmory, who she had named Mortimer.

"Let's get the hell out of here," she told it.

Mortimer flew her out to Cycling Road where she decided to rest. As she called back Mortimer she was surprised to find herself ready to faint. Exhausted she passed out. When she awakened she saw a face staring into hers.

"Shinx!" it cried.

Quickly, Pigeon released Blaze, "Blaze, use Blaze Kick!"

By now, Blaze was used to Pigeon hallucinating Sky's Pokemon, and he knew he had to humor her. He leapt forward and struck a tree with his blazing foot, disentegrating it. He knelt down, and pretended to scratch at the ground. Pigeon tossed a Pokeball, then went to pick it up.

"Yup, it's Sparks," she csaid as she stared at the empty Pokeball.

Knowing that the only Team Magma member she had left to find was Maxie, she bagan searching for information, but the trail went cold. For years she searched for him, her journey extending beyond Hoenn, to Kanto, Johto, and Sinnoh as well. During the day, she had to disguise herself to avoid capture for the deaths she had caused. Instead of walking with Blaze and Angel, she walked with Waves, Sparks, and Venom, or at least she thought she did. Blaze and Angel didn't want to leave her alone while she was hallucinating, but they had no choice. Sometimes, they could at least get her to walk with Mortimer. He didn't particularly like Pigeon, but at least he wasn't imaginary.

Every night her dreams decended into nightmares. The face of the dead haunted her, dripping blood and gore across her face. She often relived the deaths of the three people she killed and the one grunt Blaze had burned to death. Every time she awoke screaming, sweat pouring down her face, Blaze would pick her up and rock her like a child, singing her quiet lullabies in Pokespeak until she fell asleep again, but she would quickly return to the nightmares.

She began to dread sleep, and she would stay up for three or four days, until she would pass out, oftentimes in the middle of a road. Blaze and Angel would have to drag her somewhere safe until she reawoke, screaming. Every day, she tried to find new leads, until she was convinced she'd spoken to every human being alive. Occasionally, she would hallucinate seeing Maxie, and would attack random passerby, or even thin air. Her pokemon always pulled her away. Sometimes she would hallucinate Sky, but that was rare. She wasn't good enough for such sweet memories. She began to talk to herself, and cut her fingertips with the knife, watching obsessively as blood pooled around the cuts.

Finally, fifteen years after Sky's death, she got a lead. Half dead and completely insane, she went back to Lilycove. As she entered the city, she was filled with nostalgia at the life her and Sky could've had. She returned to the cottage she had once hoped would be her and Sky's home. Sitting in a chair by the fire, was a very old man.

"Hello, Pigeon," they stared at each other. She absently noticed his once black eyes had lightened to an Autumn brown.

"You."

"Obviously."

Pigeon continued to stare at him in disbelief, until Maxie sighed and said, "I believe I am ready to die, but first I must ask you something."

Pigeon sneered, "What could you possibly want from me?"

"I would like," he hesitated, "Your forgiveness," Pigeon was rendered speechless, but he continued, "I took from you, something I didn't understand. I not only took someone you loved, but I took your innocence, your hope, apparently your sanity. I was stupid when I was young, and I know the things I did were unforgivable, but I will let you do whatever you want to me if you just forgive me."

There was silence.

"No," and Pigeon stabbed him through the heart. She stared with disinterest as his eyes stared into hers and then went dark. She left the dagger there, as she no longer needed it and she left. She wandered into a patch of woods nearby and sat down. It was over. She sighed. Maybe....Maybe she could start over. She needed sleep. She tried to make a bed on the ground, but she heard a voice.

"What have you done?"

Her head snapped around, "Did you hear that?" she asked Blaze and Angel, but they shook their heads no.

"What have you done?" The voice repeated.

It was Sky's voice.

"What have you done?"

The voice repeated over and over in her head, until she could hear nothing else.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" It demanded, over and over.

Pigeon began to scream, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"

She threw herself at Blaze, and instinctively, he lifted his arm to block her and she felt his claws meet her throat. For a moment, she just stood there and looked into Blaze's shocked gaze. Then she pulled back, his claws slipped out of her throat and she fell to the ground. She began to spiral into s darkness far away, and as she did, a memory came back.

Her and sky returned to camp one night, to find it utterly destroyed. In the middle of the mess, they found Dysmas, Sky's Murkrow, with a piece of tent fabric in his beak. "What have you done?" demanded Sky. Dysmas stared blankly, then repeated back what Sky had said. They had laughed, Dysmas always repeated the strangest things, as Murkrow often did.

At the edge of her vision, Pigeon saw a Murkrow, and she smiled.
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Blaze released Pigeon from his claws in shock. He fell to his knees. Angel calmly rubbed against him and in Pokespeak told him, "Look."

He looked over and saw that Pigeon was smiling. He hated himself at that moment, but was happy she had found peace. He prayed she would be forgiven. For a while, he could do nothing but stand quietly next to the body of his trainer, the one who had raised him and cared for him, the one who had been his best friend, the one who, even when she went insane, he had tried to protect, and he felt as if he had been sucked into a black hole. He felt as if he were being crushed and twisted, every fiber of his being cried out against what he had done and the fact that he was now alone.

"Not all alone," a voice told him, "There is still one other," and he looked over at Angel. She carefully rubbed against him.

"It's time to go," Angel said gently.

"Wait," Blaze told her.

He started digging in the soft ground, mindlessly, repetitively, and eventually Angel joined him. Soon enough, they had a proper sized hole, and they carefully lowered Pigeon into it. Blaze went and retrieved several flowers and placed them over the newly dug grave. Finally, he found a boulder, and used Flamethrower on it for as long and hard as he could. When he stopped, the rock had turned molten red, and was now soft enough for him to carve an epitaph. He placed it next to where he had buried her.

Determined, faithful, loving, passionate;
In life these were your strengths,
In death your undoing

To his amazement, he began to heard rustles from the undergrowth. A Nidoran and a Poliwag had come out of the bushes, and were now quietly sitting by Pigeon's grade. Next, a Shinx leapt from the branches of a birch tree and joined them. Finally, a Murkrow flew down and perched on Pigeon's grave.

"What have you done?" it occasionally murmered under its breath, "What have you done?"

 

Re: What Have I Done? *Some one ref this please, I posted this 5 days ago*

Ready to grade!

 

Re: What Have I Done? *Some one grade this please, I posted this 5 days ago*

I should let you know: when capturing multiple Pokemon, the suggested character length is additive, meaning that you would add up all of the suggested lengths for each Pokemon to get the total amount of characters. In the case of this story, you have three Simple Pokemon and a Medium Pokemon, which means that the suggested length would be 25,000 to 50,000 characters. Your story falls just short of the mark, at 21,510 characters.

Having read through most of this, I can tell that you're a very good writer; however, I would still like to make the recommendation that you extend it to meet the 25,000 character minimum before submitting it for Grading. Once you've done so, throw me a PM or VM, or get my attention in the Chat and Feedback thread - I'll be happy to Grade this for you.

 

Re: What Have I Done? (Ready for a grade, or constructive comments)

Claimed for Grading.

 

Re: What Have I Done? (Ready for a grade, or constructive comments)

Introduction:

To be honest with you, I never thought I would see "once upon a time" and "it was a dark and stormy night" in the same story. I guess you've proven me wrong about that...

But moving on! While these types of introductions are hooks and they do capture the readers interest for the most part, they are also quite cliché. This, in turn, causes two things: for one, they are off-putting when a reader is looking for something different and original, and for another, they lose some of their impact as hooks because they are so cliché.

In this particular case, I like their use one right after another, because it shows the contrast between the life that the main characters once lived and the life that one of them will now by cursed to live thanks to their manipulation by a certain someone (who I will get into later). However, I think that it would have made your story much more interesting if you'd drawn me into the world with something that hasn't been used a million times before, you know?

Because your target Pokemon, this sort of introduction only has a marginal impact on the overall outcome (mostly because of the Murkrow thrown in there). However, I would strongly recommend that you stray away from the clichéd openings and go for something more original next time.

Here's a pointer: even if you want to use that sort of opening in the future, wording the introduction differently will still have a drastic effect on the strength of the hook. For example, take a look at my rewrite of your introduction below:

While the quote in the beginning of that rewrite is used often enough to describe the beginning of a journey that it can be considered cliché, the rest of the introduction makes up for it by drawing the reader in with details about Sky and Pigeon's back story and a metaphoric reason behind her descent into insanity that occurs during the story. It's kind of long, but it does an adequate job of setting the tone for the rest of the story.

This is the kind of introduction that you want to strive for: one that draws the reader in with a powerful hook that keeps them interested. The easiest way to do this is to reveal a small detail about the plot of your story that makes the reader question why that detail was happening; from there, pull them in with details and slowly reveal the significance of that first small detail as the story goes on.

It takes practice to create an introduction like that, but once you get it down, it will be of great help to you when going for something more difficult to capture.

Plot:
A young love is cut short by the devious actions of Team Magma. Their act of revenge for the main duo's previous actions not only claims Sky's life; it also releases his Pokemon, who, severed from their connection with him, return to the wild. Sky's partner, Pigeon, tries desperately to capture them, but fails; however, thanks to her recent blood loss, she hallucinates that the capture is successful. She is then taken to a hospital to be treated for her injuries.

Over the next fifteen years, Pigeon's sanity slowly slips from her grasp, and her thoughts turn almost entirely to taking revenge on those who did her wrong. Finally, she cannot sit by any longer, and she decides to go on a manhunt for those responsible. In the course of her quest, she kills the three members of Team Magma responsible for killing Sky, including its leader, Maxie. She then flees into a forest near Lilycove, realizing that it's all over. Her insanity, as it turns out, would be her undoing: a normally fond and happy memory is twisted in her mind, which sends her on a one-way trip into her Blaziken's claws. Having been impaled to death, her Pokemon are also released from their bonds to her; however, her love for Sky also gave her a slight connection to Sky's four Pokemon, who return to her burial site to see her one final time before they depart for the wild once again.

What can I say about this? This is an excellent plot with surprising complexity, considering your target Pokemon. It goes above and beyond any and all expectations for this level, and for that, I congratulate you. Great job with this.

Dialogue:
I enjoyed the dialogue in this story, as well, because it really reflected the change in character that Pigeon went through as she slowly lost her sanity. This is good, because dialogue is an excellent conveyor of personality in stories.

The only real suggestion I have to offer for any future stories you write is to add to the dialogue if you put more characters into your story. From this story, I can tell that you're pretty good at getting across the feelings of the characters in the lines that they speak, so I don't think that this will be too much trouble for you.

Grammar:
There were a few times when your descriptions of certain scenes came across as a bit awkward, and that was somewhat jarring to the flow of the story. For the most part, this jarring effect was just simple punctuation or word usage mistakes, so it should be easy enough to correct.

Here's an example:

Some of the punctuation in that excerpt would be better off as something else; in particular, it could use a couple of semicolons. The colorful descriptions in there (which were quite good, by the way) would flow better this way. Here's a corrected version:

You'll notice that I made the word "staid" bold in that version. I saw that you were using this word in place of the word "stayed" throughout the story. "Staid" is a real word, though, so your Word processor wouldn't pick it up as a mistake. In case you're wondering, it means "of settled character; not flighty."

Little corrections like these can drastically help the overall flow of a story. I encourage you to experiment with semicolons; when used correctly, they make your story look more professional. Also, consider reading sections of your story out loud once in a while. If you need to pause at any point in the flow of a sentence, that area probably needs a punctuation mark of some kind.

Detail and Description:
There were a couple of things that I noticed about the details that you gave in your story. For the most part, everything was described well, and if something wasn't it made sense that it wasn't; after all, an insane person hell-bent on their mission wouldn't exactly take their time to see what their surroundings looked like in vivid detail. When your characters were more sane, the setting was described quite nicely, so I have no complaints about that.

Something I saw immediately that threw me off:

You never really elaborated on this, and it didn't affect the plot at all, so I still wonder why you included it in here.

A major thing that I noticed as I read has to do with the more gruesome depictions that you gave in your story. While violence and blood is all fine and good, you have to be careful what details you give when writing it, because too much can mess with the suspension of disbelief on the part of the reader, and will lead to critical responses from Graders who understand the effects that such wounds can actually do to a person in real life. I am one such Grader, but I am benevolent; instead of calling you out about it, I'd like to offer a suggestion for the future.

Let's look at the section of the story in which Pigeon finds Sky in the barn:

Maxie, you sick, sick bastard...

Anyway, as I read through this section, it became more and more difficultas time went on for me to believe that the characters could take the actions they did (especially in Pigeon's case) when they had received such terrible wounds. One of the most important parts of writing a particularly violent scene is to do the research on the potential side effects that could come of the actions taken by the characters. In this case, a condition called hypovolemia comes into play.

Don't worry, I'll describe it for you. Basically, hypovolemia is the state in which a body is deprived of much of its blood volume. Its effects can be particularly nasty, and obviously include unconsciousness, hallucination, heightened blood pressure, and death. Now, Pigeon took several stab wounds during Maxie's assault, including two slashes that most likely severed her radial arteries in her arms, and a blow that came quite close to her kidneys.

Hypovolemia has several bodily responses that come with it in an attempt to remedy the problem. The first noticeable thing is increased heart rate and blood pressure; by pumping more blood to the site, a clot occurs faster. Of course, if the wound is severe enough (as is the case of most deaths by wrist-cutting), that only makes things worse. After a short while, the victim will enter what is called "hypovolemic shock"; this has four stages of increasingly horrifying problems that can induce death at nearly any time. Notable symptoms of hypovolemic shock include unstable mental conditions (thus the hallucination of the capture), a lack of the ability to maintain blood pressure, and a loss of sensory input abilities, such as sense of smell and touch. All of these lead up to unconsciousness at best, and death at worst, if not treated very quickly.

The problem that I see is that you make it seem like several minutes passed between when Maxie left and when Blaze finally got Pigeon off of Sky to take her to the hospital. Within that time period, Pigeon would have lost a lot of blood; she probably would have fainted after only a couple of minutes, and her ability to even vaguely understand what was going on around her would have faded long before Blaze picked her up. What's more, depending on the distance of the hospital and Blaze's running speed, plus the time it takes to get her into the hospital and stabilized, Pigeon had a high chance of being dead long before anyone could help her.

Now, I should let you know that this analysis on my part didn't really affect your Grade for this story. However, I felt that it was necessary to point out because the more realistic Graders with backgrounds in science will spot these same details if you do something similar in future stories for something more difficult. I don't want them to point out to you that the whole thing sounds like blood and gore only for the sake of blood and gore (which is not something you usually want in a good story), so I'm bringing it to your attention now. My suggestion is to watch how much you let your characters endure in the future. The human body isn't as durable as an RPG character; we can only take a few knife wounds before our bodies shut down out of shock. Tone it down a little bit, and your story will be much more realistic and believable.

Battle:
The battles in this story were very one-sided and all lasted half a turn. This is understandable, because Blaze was a powerful Pokemon. However, in the future, you'll definitely want to expand upon your battles more, because a good battle always leads to a higher Grade. Draw the battles out, and describe each attack as it is used, as well as the effects of that attack on the enemy. This will be very helpful if you go for something more complex.

Length:
The combined total for the four Pokemon you want is 25,000 to 50,000 characters. Your story is 25,182 characters, so it makes the cut.

Outcome:
Drum roll, please...

...

...

Gotcha! Nidoran (Male), Poliwag, Shinx, and Murkrow were caught!

While there were several factors that hurt your chances for that Murkrow, the complex plot, good dialogue, and high amount of detail you put into this salvaged your chances at getting it and the other Pokemon you wanted. In the future, make sure you take my suggestions into account, especially if you're going for something more difficult. If you want to include a particularly violent scene, be sure to research the potential hazards that your characters might face before writing about it; doing the research leads to praise from Graders because the story is seen as very realistic.

Enjoy your catches!