Washed up and weary(Comments welcome!)

Spoiler

Target Pokémon: Zubat
Rank: Simple
Target CC: 5-10K
CC: 5754
Author notes: I'm brand new to this, I prefer to write episodic stories. I do have this strange love of the comma and I apologise for that.
Comments: Even if you aren't grading this story, please feel free to post any comments or feedback you may have. All I request is that you wait until after it has been graded, thank you.

Lincoln was awoken by his head being smashed suddenly against a rough, hard rock protruding from the water. The moment the stone struck his skull his eyes launched open. The soaking man lowered his legs and grabbed the stone to prevent the next wave doing any serious damage. Blinking in the starlight he surveyed the beach around him, unable to see more than blurry shapes. The clouds above masked many of the stars, the moon's brilliant light only barely shining through as they drifted across it. After scrunching his eyes a couple times, Lincoln was content he was concious enough to begin shuffling along the large stone outcropping. Feeling sand underfoot did nothing to convince the man to release the stone wall. His body lurched and his legs buckled every time a wave rushed past, crashing against him as readily as the sand. Only when the sand was wet simply by his dripping on it, did the young man take the time to look around at where he'd been washed up.


Once certain he was safe, Lincoln's thoughts immediately turned to Eve. Staggering along the beach, ocean to his right as his left hand held his head. The sky was no co-operating with the idea of a search. He couldn't see much and found himself staggering to the left periodically as the waves lapped at his soaking shoes. No matter how much he wanted to call for her, hear her bark directing him to her, he didn't know what lived on this island. Anything could respond to his call. She might not even be on the beach, she could be safely below deck. In any case, all Lincoln cared about was whether or not the little canine was safe. There was no tracking time as he trudged along, shivering as the ocean breeze chilled the water in his clothes. But he found her, curled up and set upon the sand. Breathing a sigh of relief, his shaking legs hurried toward her.


Lincoln wasn't the first to find poor Eve however. As he neared, the seething mass on top of the little Eevee became steadily more visible. The sound of fluttering wings was clear even over the crashing waves and roaring wind. A dozen small furry bodies were pressed against her, their teeth puncturing various parts of her pelt in search of blood. With renewed vigour the man charged, waving his arms but avoiding roaring. His sudden, flailing appearance was enough to cause an eruption of wings. The swarm circling above for a moment before gliding off into the forest not far from the beach. Only one of the small bats remained, it's back bearing two silver streaks that glistened in the rare moonlight. Snatching the furry, winged, thing he tossed it away after its companions and turned his attention immediately to Eve. Her breathing was shallow and her skin pale. The little canine was weak and shivering from the cold water through her coat. Picking her up, Lincoln headed inland to find somewhere safe.


Stumbling through the woods the young man searched for something; A hollowed out fallen tree, a small cave, a crevice in the rock, an abandoned burrow. But the longer he staggered through the brush, the harder it became to keep focus on his goal. All he wanted to do was curl up and sleep. No quick shelters presented themselves, forcing Lincoln to admit that they'd have to sleep amongst the trees. In a spot where the trees, though close, were far enough away to allow a small camp-fire he set his charge down and collected the sticks and leaves from the ground around them. Drawing from his pocket one of the two shapes he could feel rattling around in it, the young man desperately tried to get the zippo to spark. As if by some miracle, on only the third attempt the fire leapt to life. He wasn't use to being in the wild, but some things just made sense to do. Sitting by the small but steady camp fire, Lincoln ensured the Eevee was drying well before setting about drying himself off.


The next step, stranded on some random island, would be to find food. The clouds refused to reveal the time, and he was simply too tired to consider food right now. Sitting down drier than before, slumping against a tree, The young man allowed his head to droop and his eyes slide closed in exhaustion. Even on the cusp of slumber he could hear it. The small bat fluttered through the fire light, the silver streaks on it's back sparkling slightly in the dancing red and gold glow. Eve was curled up at his feet and was surely the target of this ever persistent Zubat. Lincoln groaned quietly as he leaned over with his hand running across forest floor. A small stone found his hand, allowing him to weakly toss it in the direction of the approaching wings. The rock bounced through the fire but spread nothing as it did so. Another stone, another toss, another miss. He was tired and he was weak, there wasn't much he could do to stop it.


After the fourth rock, or was it the fifth, the fire began to die down. The sticks and leaves had bee scattered about and the flame weakened by its stretching. As the light faded the creature seemed to almost disappear. Only the gentle clicking sound belied its location. Closer than it had been in a while now, Lincoln reached out and grasped wildly at the air. Through all manners of dumb luck, he hit it. More to the point he grabbed it. Left with a hungrily clicking Zubat in his hands, the young man couldn't think of much else to do. If he threw it and it lived, it would be back to pester them again. In his dizzy and tired mind one option seemed the most plausible. Pulling up his now only slightly wet sleeve, the tired fellow pressed the bat against his own arm. Wincing at the pain he expected from the bite, Lincoln was surprised at just how little it hurt. Letting go, he slumped against the tree and fell into a deep sleep, the bat continuing to feast away on his arm.

 

Re: Washed up and weary(Simple)(Ready for grading)

I'll claim this!

 

Re: Washed up and weary(Simple)

@CronusNuzlocker: All done!

Cronus,

I noticed you said you prefer to write episodic stories! Fear not, because we’re open to pretty much everything around here. In fact, this seems like a really good introduction to a series. I’d like to talk about a few aspects of this story, namely the plot and characterization, and how I think you can build upon them going forward.

The plot of this episode was pretty simple. Lincoln wakes up, finds his Eevee, fights off some Zubat, and goes to sleep. The stuff that makes the story interesting is everything else that you didn’t tell us. There are clues that Lincoln and his Eevee have been stranded by a shipwreck, but you leave the other details a mystery. Why were they traveling on a ship? Were they with anyone else? How did they end up in a wreck? It could be something as simple as a storm, but there are plenty of other things that could have happened, too. I look forward to seeing what you make out of this in future installments.

The characterization in this story was also pretty light. I still don’t know much about Lincoln, except that he obviously cares very much about his Eevee. I actually kind of like it this way. All of the other characterization in the story is very specific to this one episode. You tell us a lot about what Lincoln is feeling in the moment through his actions. I can feel his exhaustion every second all the way up until the ending. It was totally unexpected for Lincoln to just let the Zubat feed away at him while he slept, and yet it fit so perfectly with the rest of the story.

I think in general keeping the characterization in-the-moment was a really good fit for this episode because the action didn’t get bogged down in flashbacks and other long descriptions of how the characters got to this point and who they are. This story functions mostly as a set-up for things to come. That means that in later stories, I will expect more detail. I want answers to some of those questions I asked above. I want to know the steps that led to Lincoln and his Eevee ending up stranded here and I want to know more about Lincoln as a person. What are his motivations? What does he want? Right now you’ve set up for some sort of island survival story, and that’s not a bad start, but I’d like to see some more dimensions to the story. You can go totally wild with that and I’m looking forward to seeing where you take it.

I really liked your writing style for the most part. It was very visceral and you not only described the setting with vivid imagery, you also did a really good job of setting a mood. There are a couple places I think you could have used better word choices, however. For example, at the beginning you use the phrase “his eyes launched open.” I don’t think that verb really fits here. Launching implies that something is being thrown outward, but that’s not really a fitting image for eyelids. I think a term like “burst open” might have fit better. It’s not a huge deal, but something to consider in the future. I did also notice a few typos here and there, mostly omitted letters. For example, you wrote “concious” at one point instead of “conscious.” This is the sort of thing that a simple spell check in Word will catch, so make sure you run your story through something like that before posting, and of course proofread, proofread, proofread! You don’t generally have to worry about your stories failing for minor blips like this, but cleaning up typos will add an extra layer of polish to your work.

Grade

The most important part: Zubat captured! This story was on the shorter end of the length requirement for a Simple mon, but especially for your first story that’s not much of an issue. I think you did exactly what you needed to and used the space effectively to set the mood. Now, keep going and expand it into something great! I’m sure I’ll be seeing more from you soon.

PS: One thing I felt I should note--A lot of newer URPG players start off writing stories that mimic the URPG character they've created for themselves, using only the Pokémon in their stats, etc. You've got the makings of a good story here, but also, don't feel constrained to just this character! You can write absolutely any story about anyone you want, as long as it's somehow related to Pokémon.

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