Vulpix Venture

Capture attempt: Vulpix (medium)
Required length: 10k-20k
Actual length: 11207

Intro

Hi, I'm Ty/Banditos,first off let me say this is the first real story I ever tried to write, but I think I got what it takes. Anyways vulpix has been one of my favorite pokemon since the start and for some reason while playing diamond one day I decided <stupidly> "I'm gonna get a shiny vulpix!" 400 vulpixes (no joke I'm kind of obsessive) later i didn't succed but I'll see if this attempt works. I am really not used to writing stuff but I think this is pretty good for my work. oh and anyone who happens to stumble on this who isn't going to grade it tell me what you think. Thank you all for reading.

Vulpix Venture

I awoke on top of a car today.

This isn't something strange for me, I usually sleep on this abandoned car. It's by this shed I call my pad. So this seems like a normal day to me at first. This lasts until I roll over and see whats next to my bed/car. It appeares to be a large pile of sharp rocks rolled up against my sleep heap and formed the vague outline of a rhino. Then i noticed the mass of rocks is breathing. It dawns on me that this might not just be a bunch of boulders. Nope it's the Spikes Pokemon Rhyhorn. But what is it doing here, I silently ask the day, rhyhorn aren't native in these parts. Oh wait now I remember this is my pokemon, I was given him yesterday and today I'm going to start my journey.

I nudged my new buddy next to me, "Hey, Lagann, wake up." It stirred and let out a rather rough yawn. I smiled. We wandered into my shed which i kept my stuff in and started getting ready to go. I grabbed my trenchcoat and fedora and started gathering all my other stuff into a bag. Meanwhile my rhyhorn was sniffing around at what i kept in here. It didn't take me long to gather what i needed (most of what I own is junk). Before I get going I make sure i'm ready to go. Lets see... torn camoflage pants, check, long tan trenchcoat with no shirt, check, fedora, super check, shoes... nope. Yep I'm ready to go. As I reached for the doorknob I stopped and realized that if i'm going on a journey I'm going to start it right.

A few moments later Lagann crashed through my wall with me riding on his back. Yes, I thought to myself, this is going to be fun.

I didn't live terribly far from town, just a couple miles to reach Ecruteak, but the ride seemed to take longer then usual. As my buddy and I crashed through the trees on our way in I steered him towards the pokemart in town. Two blocks away I wondered how you stop a rhyhorn.

We soon crashed into the wall of the pokemart.

After apologizing to the owner (and helping put the wall back up) I inquired to what pokemon were nearby while Lagann explored the store with my bag. He asked me which way i'm going, as there was much variety depending on where I head, to the west there's a wide plain and ocean. I cringed at the sound of that I hate the ocean. "To the east there are some mountains and pretty big lake", this made me tilt my head, that sounds pretty neat. South of here is a lot of forests more mountains and some grassy hills. "I figure I'll head south my good sir" I replied "whats neat down there."

"Well'up personally I like the stantlers down there" The clerk stated with a bit of a drawl. I shook my head they didn't seem my style. "Hows about one of those ledyba's bit late to find them but you might get lucky."

"Late? It's only two" I replied

"Nah, nah they only show up in the morning" The clerk said.

"Morning...? Whassat?" I asked. I'd heard tales of this mystical time before, but I was still unsure of it's actual existance.

The clerk waved his hands showing he didn't want to explain. "Well there's a rumor that might interest you. dunno if it's true but theres been quite a few tales of a yellow vulpix causin' trouble for travelers." I do like vulpixes and it seemed like a good first capture for me, higly improbable, I mean if there really was wouldn't there be trainers swarming over there trying to collect it? who am I to question what happens.

"Then that shall be my first catch. Thanks for the info old man, see ya" I said motioning for Lagann to return to my side.

"Ain't you going to buy something youngen?" he asked while I left.

I hoped onto my pets back "Don't worry I got everything that I needed" I replied. I started riding off into the forests south of town hoping that I'll get some distance between me and the store befo-

"HEY GET BACK HERE YOU THIEF!! TAUROS! PURSUIT!" he yelled as he sent out a red and white pokeball. From it burst a large bull with three tails and filled with rage.

Allow me to explain: whilst I was going through my possessions I noticed I didn't have many useful items. Pokeballs I had by the bucketload (I think people just throw them and forget about them if they don't work which seems rather silly to me) but other then that it was scarce, and I unfortunatly don't have much in the way of currency so while the old man gave me info on what to catch I had my buddy Lagann gather up as many items as possible and put them in my bag. I planned on repaying him in the future (yeah right (shut up you!)). Anyways so yeah I stole stuff from his store and now he's rather mad at me.

"Run Lagann! Run!" I exclaimed while leaping through the air and dashing throught the town. I looked back and realized lagann was having trouble keeping up, and that tauros was catching up fast.

I tried to recall my friend to his bicolored orb but before the beam connected to my buddy he got a side full of that bulls horn. I felt some rage build up but I knew we probably can't take it on right here and now. We would attract a large crowd and eventually people would find out why.Besides he was sorta on the right side, I did just loot his store for no other reason then I'm too lazy to get funds but this is my story and I'm pretty sure I'm the protaganist. Pretty sure.

Luckily I'm probably the fastest person there is so this tauros didn't stand a chance of catching up to me. Me and Lagann took off deep into the forest south of town (if your curious my shed and car are north of Ecruteak past the two towers.). After we were sure that out pursuer would not be able to find us I took a rest and released Lagann out of his ball. I used one of the super potions we took from the store and healed up my friend. "Sorry about that, didn't think he would catch on so quick," I said petting Lagann. "Well we might as well get going if we're going to find that shiny vulpix."

Lagann nodded and we set off to search through the peaceful forests to try and find this pokemon. We weren't sure how long it would take to find, but we won't give up out search til it's fou- Oh there it is. Over a bit farther into the forest there apeared to be an ordinary shiny yellow fox. even though foxes aren't yellow, or have six tails. you know I'm pretty sure foxes don't have bangs either but thats not the point. This seems alot easier then it should be, I thought to myself. I quickly told myself to stop questioning good things and just go get it. When me and Lagann got closer we noticed it didn't seem to healthy. It seemed that it was injured as if someone already tried to catch it but didn't succeed. Oh well I ain't just going to catch a pokemon I didn't injure, it's unsporting. so I went over with another potion and decided to help the little critter out. I walked over to try and help out the poor thing.

"Here this will heal you up" I said getting close to the little pup, but when I bent down to help it out the little trickster opened its maw and spewed a stream of flames out at me. Startled I dropped my bag, which the little thief immediatly took off with.

"Hey I stole that stuff first, Lagann, rock blast" Lagann started launching boulders at the miniscule menace as fast as it could. 3 of the volleys hit their mark which seemed to slow down the fox pokemon.

"After it lagann, horn attack." I exclaimed as we chased down our prey Lagann managed to catch up to it and speared it with it's horn. This made it drop my bag which I picked back up. I was excited, this is my first real battle and nothing is going to stop me from catching my first pokemon. I started to take out a small red and white sphere.

"TAUROS" Exclaimed a voice from above. It's the shopkeeps pokemon, aparently Pursuit was an order and a move. It seemed very angry at us. Suddenly it's three tails whipping it's own body. It was going to make an attack.

"Frig..." all three of us stared at the angry bovine that was about to challenge us.

"Tauroooos" It started running down at us, building up a massive energy current around it on its way down. Me and Lagann realized that we won't be outrun it if it's building up that much momentum. so we needed to make sure he can't. The vulpix was distracted by the commotion so, while it was paying attention to the encoming beast, I shoved it in my bag so I can make sure it won't escape while I battle this creature.

"Lagann we can't just keep running from this beast, use take down!" I proclaimed.

Lagann nodded in agreement and started running as fast as he could at the tauros. Both of the creatures collided with each other.Lagann's strike seemed to deal alot to the beast, and his rock head prevented it from taking recoil damage, but that tauros's giga impact still seemed to do alot of harm to my friend. It seemed in a daze after using that move, nows our chance.

"Lagann it's not going to do anything now! Use earthquake and finish him."

Suddenly the entire forest started shaking, trees were being toppled and boulders started rolling downhill, but most importantly that tauros going to be toppled during this tremor, it was barely even able to stand up. The earth finally stopped moving and so did our chaser. As he fell I was relieved that we won't have to worry about him anymore. I did feel bad about the fact it would have to return to it's master empty handed, so I quickly scrawled a note telling the keep that I'll send the tauros back with his stuff and decided to fill a second bag with about eighty-five percent of what I took to send with him. I did need some of that medicine if something really bad happens.

I went back over to get my bag but noticed it was walking away. I had lagann go stop it and bring it back over to me. I quickly pulled out the vulpix inside, "not just yet kid. Let's finish that battle we started, OK?'" the little fox nodded and got ready to fight again.

The little fox made the first move by spewing a spiral of flames from it's mouth, they soon formed a ring around the three of us making it so nothing could get in or out.

"Alright then Lagann, don't let it's fire spin intimidate you it just trapped itself as well, use stone edge" Lagann roared and created some sharp stones out of thin air. It launched all of them at the cute canine, piercing it's flesh and causing lots of damage. It looked like I was going to succed in capturing the shiny vulpix.

Suddenly, the yellow vulpix's eyes glowed with an eerie light and it launched some strange purple flames at Lagann. They burned it's rock hard skin and seemed to weaken him a lot. Poor Lagann was burned by my foes will-o-wisp.

Realizing that I needed to end this fight quick so I could minimize the damage Lagann took I ordered Lagann to use one final move, "Lagann, Megahorn!"

Lagann's horn glowed with a bright green energy as he charged headfirst into the small fox. His horn slammed into the pup and dealt a critical blow to it.

Seeing that it had no will to fight anymore I reached back in my pocket for a pokeball and threw it at the vulpix. Both me and Lagann watched in anticipation as the ball connected with it. It struck it dead center and absorbed it into it's small confines.

The light on the ball flashed bright, and then...

 

great story

 

Claimed for grading. Should be done by today or tomorrow.

 

Your first story ever. My second grade ever. LET'S DO THIS BABY

INTRO

Nice opening sentence. Immediately we know that this is going to be a story where weird things happen. It also establishes that the story is narrated by the protagonist.

The second paragraph establishes more about this character: he or she lives outdoors, has one Pokemon, and an awful memory, at least when just waking up. You mention "the journey." I assume you mean the journey that every Pokemon Trainer makes. You could've been a little more specific, but anybody reading this probably already knows what you mean.

Overall, it's a good intro. We get a look at the protagonist, his personality, and his Pokemon.

PLOT

The protagonist robs a Poke Mart and goes after a shiny Vulpix, fighting a Tauros along the way.

You were going for comedy, and I'd say you succeeded. It's a silly story. This kind of silliness is done pretty often, but that's not a bad thing.

The way you implemented it, it flows well. This is partly thanks to your stream-of-consciousness narration style. You probably wrote the story in one sitting so everything follows on itself very smoothly. Unfortunately, the downside of this technique is that you catch less spelling and grammar mistakes.

DIALOGUE

This entire story could be said to be dialogue, as it's the protagonist going on about his day. The actual dialogue, of course, is in quotes, and that's what I'll focus on.

You've used dialogue style to help define your characters. The protagonist seems to follow the "Chaotic Neutral" archetype of RPG characters? You know that system? It's from Dungeons & Dragons: people can be good, neutral or bad; also, they can be lawful, neutral, or chaotic. Therefore, your character is a pretty random guy, and it shows in his dialogue- he speaks at different levels of formality and addresses the Vulpix as if he's known him for a while.

He's also a little crazy. He talks to himself, and at one point you have double-parentheses:

With tweaked grammar:

His conscience interrupts his storytelling and then he tells his conscience to shut up. Fun.

The clerk gets stereotyped: Southern American-type English. It works. You pretty much know what sort of person he's going to be, just from the way you've written him.

In other words, I liked it.

CHARACTERIZATION

There's only one character of importance. The clerk, as I said, is shallow and minor. Lagann is your standard helpful Trainer's Pokemon. (I note that he didn't kick anything to the curb.) Tauros is a non-entity. Vulpix is more or less the same. You could've done more to flesh these guys out, but for a story of this length and with only one protagonist it's probably not absolutely necessary. So let's talk about the protagonist.

We get a pretty good sense of who and what he is: a loner on the edge of town who wears ridiculous and awesome clothing- and knows it's awesome. He has a conscience but often ignores it, and likes to talk about things and be snarky. ...and he busts through walls like he just don't care. And sticks Pokemon in bags.

This character is pretty common in fan fiction, I think. It's probably an expression of what the author wishes he or she were- someone who turns the quirkiness up to eleven and doesn't give a fig. They're smart, exciting, do the right (or sympathetic) thing in the end, and usually succeed. This is a stock character. You write him well.

GRAMMAR

Okay, here there be dragons.

Since you're using a stream-of-consciousness narration, where the protagonist is just babbling about what he or she thinks, some of the quirks of your grammar can be handwaved away as, well, quirks of the narrator. I mean things like comma splices (connecting two independent sentences with a comma- which is Not A Good Thing) and beginning sentences with words like "And."

However, you still need to watch yourself:

---Apostrophe problems: "whats," "its/it's." They're everywhere.

---Capitalize your "I"s. Some other capitalizations (e.g. beginnings of sentences, names, attack names) were left out as well.

---Spelling errors. Spelling isn't as forgivable as grammar when you're doing stream-of-consciousness. I think here are most of them:
"It appeares to be" -> "It appeared to be." or "It appears to be." See next section.
"Ekruteak" -> "Ecruteak." You can't misspell in-game city names! Dude! That's like saying "Piakchu."
"longer then usual" -> "longer than usual."
"unsure of its actual existance" -> "unsure of its actual existence." This is catchable with a spellchecker. You can write future stories up in Microsoft Word or something first. This gives you the twin benefits of spellcheck and the ability to back up your stories (for longer stories). Then all you have to do is cut and paste.
"higly improbable" -> "highly improbable." I think Word would correct this automatically.
"youngen" -> "youngun." Believe it or not, there are some spelling standards for dialect English. I think. Or at least the last time I read a Redwall book it was spelled "youngun."
"unfortunatly don't have much" -> "unfortunately don't have much." Autocorrect?
"throught the town" -> "through the town."
"I'm the protaganist" -> "I'm the protagonist."
"immediatly took off with" -> "immediately took off with."
"aparently Pursuit was an order" -> "apparently Pursuit was an order."
"alot" -> "a lot." Several instances.

---The main thing is tense. You wander between past and present tenses. Pick one and stay with it. Remember that things that are continual states (where he lives, etc.) are in present tense. Let's take the first two paragraphs:

Altered for past tense, alterations marked. (Tenses in bold, other stuff in italics.)

Altered for present tense, this time with "proper" punctuation:

See?

DETAIL

Your descriptions were okay. We see what the character sees, and notice what the character notices. It's less of a burden on you than it would be with a conventional narrator. Worked out fine. I suppose if you wanted to do more, you could tell us some more things about the city, where the protagonist lives, and the forest. I guess he lives in a junkyard or something like that? You could describe it- and how it smells. Things like that.

PLAUSIBILITY

Pretty good. I was impressed that you seemed to have looked up the available Pokemon for Route 37. This story is very much set in Johto. There are some issues, though:

Why is the Poke Mart's wall so easy to fix, and why doesn't the shopkeep get angry over it?

Walking bag? You should've mentioned that the Vulpix's feet were sticking out of it or something.

Where did Rhyhorn come from, anyway? This guy doesn't seem young enough to go ask a Pokemon Professor for a starter. Not that a Rhyhorn with Earthquake is a starter.

LENGTH

11062 characters.
Single capture.
Vulpix-MEDIUM: 10-20k.
Well, you're in like Flynn.

OVERALL

Well, it's your first try. Some of what you did has definitely been done before, and there are mistakes you should avoid the next time around. Your narration style shielded you from about half of the complaints I could've made. Lucky! That said, it's still a fun story. Definitely a madcap adventure.

FINAL

You can has Vulpix. Treat it well!