Vs Weedle and Caterpie

It was raining. Rain was when condensation of atmospheric water vapour were heavy enough to make it to the planet surface below. One such water vapour, or water droplet, had fallen from the atmosphere and had crashed straight into a leaf creating a ‘Shloosh’ sound. The droplet adventure did not stop there however as the extra weight of water on the leaf caused in to bent and the droplet continued its travels off the leaf and towards the ground surface. The water droplet had almost made it to the earthly soil target below. It was unlucky enough not to reach its target as it hit a rather large and orange hairy creature first. Had the nearby water droplet have any human emotions or traits itself and notice the last droplets failed attempt to reach the ground, it would have been laughing due to the fact it believed it was going to reach the ground itself. However should it of ‘looked down’, the water droplet would have notice that it too would have not made the target as it hit another rather hairy creature, this one was green. A group of water droplet a further away, each having reached the ground and form what we call a puddle, would suffer, if they had human traits and feeling as well, and even worse fate as the giant leather sole of a humans Black boot crushed them.

This Story is not about rain however, yet is a story about the two hairy creatures that the water droplet had managed to hit. One of these Hairy creatures was a Male Orange Worm with a small horn on his forehead and a rather small but deadly stinger on his tail. His main facial feature was his small black eyes and large oval nose, which hide his mouth. The Orange worm was called Weedle. The Second Green Hairy Creature was also a classed as worm, yet this one was female and looked completely different. This worm had a many yellow circles patterns that ran down the side of its body and a bright orange antenna on her forehead. Her Facial features were also completely different to the Weedle as she had rather large eyes and a strange button shape nose/ mouth. Her name was Caterpie. Finally despite the fact that both Pokémon were worms and running from the same human chaser, both of them were bitter enemy. The Weedle, thanks to being ahead, managed to find a good hiding space first, a small hole in the bottom of a tree trunk. He quickly rushed inside and uses his own forehead as a block to stop the Caterpie from hiding inside as well. The Caterpie notice this and froze. Where could she hide, the humans getting closer, she thought to herself, she deicide to try and hide in the bunch of leaves above her. Putting her head back, she shot a sticky silk string and connecting to the branch. The Catapie climbed the small silk string and waited. The Human entered the clearing now. Both of the worms Pokémon could see their chaser and hoped he could not them. They thought themselves lucky when the man started to speak in ‘human’. They did not know what he was saying however as they were wild Pokémon. The human pick up three pokéball from his belt and threw them into the sky, then to the worm’s surprise, he walk off. The pokéball hit the ground doing nothing.

The Weedle was the first to leave his hiding spot and walk out into the clearing. A few water droplets hit his head as he look at the abandoned pokéball. (A group of water droplet had managed to make their target and hit the ground as they laugh at those that hit the Weedle.) The Caterpie reacted next and climbed down from the branch. She looked at the Weedle and then ‘growled.’ The Weedle notice this act of challenge and accept. Both rivals readied themselves for the combat that was about to begin, an ancient and constantly replayed fight. For at least 10 minutes, there was nothing but a standoff between the two of them in the rain. Neither Pokémon were moving, both were standing there ground. In the end of those ten minutes, after at least 19,164 raindrop at managed to either hit or miss their target in the clearing, the last raindrop fell to the ground and Weedle began his attack.

Caterpie was surprised by Weedle sudden move as a String shot, much like the one she had used to get to the leaves in the branch, flew toward her. Caterpie attempted to repel the attack with her own string shot, yet the Weddle’s attack easily deflected this and hit the female worm target. With Caterpie now stuck in the sticky silk string, Weedle leaped forward and bit her with his small insect teeth. While such Teeth could easily rip a leaf to pieces and were in fact quite effect to a grass type Pokémon, The Caterpie did not suffer as much damage and managed to bite the Weedle back. Weedle backed away from the bug biting Caterpie and shot another string shot in her direction. However he was horrified to see that he had missed and was hit straight in the face by the Caterpie shot. The Caterpie had managed to blind him and he missed again with a random shot. Managing to open one of his eyes, he saw a charging Caterpie heading straight for him and he panic, as she tackle him in the side. Caterpie saw that she was getting the upper hand and went to ‘bug bite’ the Weedle again. However something sharp hit her in the side. Caterpie turned her head to notice Weedle sting retracts from her body and attack again, punching the skin and poison her. A Water droplet fell from the sky as the weather had changed again and hit her wound, both Pokémon back away.

It was raining. Rain was when condensation of atmospheric water vapour were heavy enough to make it to the planet surface below. One such water vapour or water droplet was expecting to make it to the ground yet was interrupted as it hits the feather of one of the three bird Pokémon that the trainer had released before walking away. One of the three bird Pokémon who had been patrolling the sky, watching the two worm Pokémon below battle. The Bird looked down to notice one of the worms, the poisoned and dizzy female Caterpie, looking up at them, her face covered in horror. The Weedle had also notice Caterpie look’s and looked up to see the three black birds each wearing a black ‘hat.’ He now wore the same horror Caterpie wore. The Murkrow look at his two Murkrow brother and smiled. The Three of them dived toward the worm Pokémon, with the intention to capture them.

The Murkrow’s Master look thought his binoculars and notice his birds dive. He smiled. It was raining. Rain was when condensation of atmospheric water vapour were heavy enough to make it to the planet surface below.

Word count: 1,189
Charaters (no spaces): 5,333
Charaters (with spaces): 6,520
Capture intended: Weedle and Caterpie

 

Story/Plot: Uh, was this supposed to be some sort of emphasis being placed on the rain? I think I saw the "Rain is when condensation..." at least four times in this story. I don't know what is its usage by repeating it so many times. Unfortunately, it seemed as if it was a random approach. I thought it was a good start to your story by starting off with the water droplets, until it wasn't elaborated enough and was being repeated at the end. I'll start out with your introduction first. This was a little bit, excessively long-winded. Although the water droplet was a good idea for a starting scene depiction, the way you wrote it made it seemed as if I was reading some Science fiction/bedtime story to a 1-year old kid.

Your introduction seemed that way and kinda weird to me mainly because, you wrote it as a "droplet adventure". Yes, you could have described along the way as it fell from the clouds and hit a leaf, causing it to bent, then falling down onto something below, in which you almost did. But then, you went ahead and said "The water droplet had almost made it to the earthly soil target below. It was unlucky enough not to reach its target as it hit a rather large and orange hairy creature first," which doesn't really makes sense. Apparently, the droplets are really happy when they manage to touch the ground but a Weedle got in the way instead. But still, it came to me awkwardly because there weren't any further elaboration on it. It became something like that, "Yay, the droplet is falling and touching the ground, oh no, a Weedle. Aw." I really don't know how to describe it, but it's something like that. More of a "so what" attitude.

A simple way to rectify this, would be to add "real feelings" to the droplets. If you can elaborate and describe further about the droplets' feeling, like for instance include interaction between the droplets, it makes more of a sense. It will then allow the reader to observe clearly the sense of excitement as the droplets fall from the clouds, all in hope of touching the ground as soon as possible to form a puddle together.

Another huge problem, is the way you wrote "This Story is not about rain however". By writing that, you're telling me that the introduction was just a random thing you thought just so to fulfill the introduction segment. You will definitely want to avoid that. You could have brought a extremely smooth scene transition by linking the water droplet, to the hitting and contact of the bug Pokemon, then bringing in the Weedle's appearance. But unfortunately, you didn't.

Overall though, this plot was still good enough for this category of Pokemon. You relied on a capture plot, although twisted it by having the bugs have a conflict and fight out in the open, leaving them visible to the bird Pokemon in the skies instead. This story would have looked even more impressive if you managed to achieve what I said earlier though.

Grammar/Spelling: Please, please proofread. There were so many errors in here that can be easily spotted by just proofreading. Just gonna run through a few quickly.

---
"One such water vapour, or water droplet, had fallen from the atmosphere and had crashed straight into a leaf creating a ‘Shloosh’ sound."
Correct term should be "onto".
---
A group of water droplet a further away, each having reached the ground and form what we call a puddle, would suffer, if they had human traits and feeling as well, and even worse fate as the giant leather sole of a humans Black boot crushed them.
Why did you even capitalize the "B"? I'd advise you to take a quick glance at this http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp, to observe the rules of capitalization in punctuation. This problem kept occurring throughout the entire story as well. For example;
---
This Story is not about rain however,

One of these Hairy creatures was a Male Orange Worm with a small horn on his forehead and a rather small but deadly stinger on his tail.
---

I'm just gonna leave the rest to you to fix.

Unfortunately, you capitalized letters that didn't had to be, and didn't capitalize letters that you should have had. All Pokemon-related words (eg. Pokeball, String Shot, Caterpie) have to have their first letter capitalized, in which you didn't for some.

Other than that, the most obvious problem was probably your paragraphing. Generally, you don't want your story to look too cluttered up with huge blocks of text all being packed together. Obviously, you cannot do random paragraphing here and there. The general rule to observe is to basically start a new paragraph for every new scene, or when you're changing the focus to another character. I'll give you an example for how you could have paragraphed out your second paragraph better.

What You Have:

Spoiler

"This Story is not about rain however, yet is a story about the two hairy creatures that the water droplet had managed to hit. One of these Hairy creatures was a Male Orange Worm with a small horn on his forehead and a rather small but deadly stinger on his tail. His main facial feature was his small black eyes and large oval nose, which hide his mouth. The Orange worm was called Weedle. The Second Green Hairy Creature was also a classed as worm, yet this one was female and looked completely different. This worm had a many yellow circles patterns that ran down the side of its body and a bright orange antenna on her forehead. Her Facial features were also completely different to the Weedle as she had rather large eyes and a strange button shape nose/ mouth. Her name was Caterpie. Finally despite the fact that both Pokémon were worms and running from the same human chaser, both of them were bitter enemy. The Weedle, thanks to being ahead, managed to find a good hiding space first, a small hole in the bottom of a tree trunk. He quickly rushed inside and uses his own forehead as a block to stop the Caterpie from hiding inside as well. The Caterpie notice this and froze. Where could she hide, the humans getting closer, she thought to herself, she deicide to try and hide in the bunch of leaves above her. Putting her head back, she shot a sticky silk string and connecting to the branch. The Catapie climbed the small silk string and waited. The Human entered the clearing now. Both of the worms Pokémon could see their chaser and hoped he could not them. They thought themselves lucky when the man started to speak in ‘human’. They did not know what he was saying however as they were wild Pokémon. The human pick up three pokéball from his belt and threw them into the sky, then to the worm’s surprise, he walk off. The pokéball hit the ground doing nothing."

Magical Transform!:

Spoiler

"This story is not about rain however, yet is a story about the two hairy creatures that the water droplet had managed to hit. One of these hairy creatures was a male orange worm with a small horn on his forehead and a rather small but deadly stinger on his tail. His main facial feature was his small black eyes and large oval nose, which hide his mouth. The orange worm was called Weedle. The second green hairy creature was also a classed as worm, yet this one was female and looked completely different. This worm had a many yellow circles patterns that ran down the side of its body and a bright orange antenna on her forehead. Her facial features were also completely different to the Weedle as she had rather large eyes and a strange button shape nose/ mouth. Her name was Caterpie.

Finally despite the fact that both Pokémon were worms and running from the same human chaser, both of them were bitter enemy. The Weedle, thanks to being ahead, managed to find a good hiding space first, a small hole in the bottom of a tree trunk. He quickly rushed inside and uses his own forehead as a block to stop the Caterpie from hiding inside as well.

The Caterpie notice this and froze. Where could she hide, the humans getting closer, she thought to herself, she deicide to try and hide in the bunch of leaves above her. Putting her head back, she shot a sticky silk string and connecting to the branch. The Catapie climbed the small silk string and waited.

The Human entered the clearing now. Both of the worms Pokémon could see their chaser and hoped he could not them. They thought themselves lucky when the man started to speak in ‘human’. They did not know what he was saying however as they were wild Pokémon. The human pick up three pokéball from his belt and threw them into the sky, then to the worm’s surprise, he walk off. The pokéball hit the ground doing nothing"

See? It looks better simply like that, and doesn't put off the reader by making it look like huge blocks of text are being slapped on him. Take note of the bold letters, they are the ones that you shouldn't have capitalized. I only did the first sub-paragraph for you however.

Length: Cool.

Details/Description: K well, what you have here, is what I generally address it as "mechanic description". You can try reading your story over again, and you will easily notice that for descriptions (especially when describing Caterpie and Weedle), it became as if it was a separate part of your story. Basically, the feeling is like I am reading your story and know that the Pokemon are about to enter the scene, then suddenly a huge pause happens, and I read a Pokedex entry about how they look like and what are they called, before returning to the story. Phrases like "This Pokemon is called Weedle" or "Her name was Caterpie" capitalize further on this mechanic problem. These can disrupt the flow of your story if it happens too often, especially when the description is quite lengthy as well.

Obviously, there is always a method to go around producing descriptions that a grader always demands for, while still maintaining it as a figurative description. Basically, you will want to describe a Pokemon's feature, while still managing to link it back to the story. For example, while you were describing Weedle's feature, you could have had talked about the droplet that fell onto Weedle and described the Pokemon's feature while the droplet slide down its appendage and fell to the ground. For example;

What You Have:

Spoiler

This Story is not about rain however, yet is a story about the two hairy creatures that the water droplet had managed to hit. One of these Hairy creatures was a Male Orange Worm with a small horn on his forehead and a rather small but deadly stinger on his tail. His main facial feature was his small black eyes and large oval nose, which hide his mouth. The Orange worm was called Weedle.

Magical Transform:

Spoiler

The crystal-clear water droplet that kept hanging onto the piece of green leaf on the tree can probably no longer hold on. Within seconds, the droplet slid down from the leaf to go into free fall motion. Falling gracefully with a constant speed, the sparkling bead of water eventually landed on a white thorn instead. Piercing through the water droplet, the white stinger that was on the creature’s head separated the water droplet into several tiny beads of water. As if the creature had just taken a shower, the multiple beads of water rolled down the brown skin of a segmented body. The Pokemon’s skin was glistening even more than it did before now, while it rolled its irises that were contained within its dark and circular eyes continuously. Obviously, the Weedle didn’t enjoy being hit by that raindrop at all. It hopped around on the damp soil to get rid of the ticklish water droplets, bouncing off back into the air each time with its many little pink feet. Suddenly, it stood its ground firmly and raised its spiky stinger on its back defensively, read to jab it into anyone that threatened it.

Just a basic example. Try to blend your description in with the settings of scene depiction. That way, you get to describe your Pokemon, while also managing to describe a little of your surroundings. Try reading your paragraph up there, then mine, can you see the difference? In my example, I used a style of describing that people commonly refer to as "figurative description". You can see the way I started off with the water droplet falling off the leaf, then landing on the Weedle, as I started to introduce the first feature of the Weedle by making the water droplet land on the stinger instead. That way, I can manage to describe easier once I've made the connection from the droplet to the Pokemon's features.

In any case, it is worthy to note that at least you've taken the first step in describing. (Many people easily miss out descriptions in this category.) In any case, practice makes perfect. I really hope you would be able to learn something from the advice that I've given, and hopefully, make use of it in your next story! Figurative descriptions can do wonder to your story! After all, it is these that would enable your reader to really visualize your story and that is what matters.

Battle: Well, quite short. This was where your paragraphing could have came into place. A new paragraph for every time the focus is shifted to another Pokemon (new move).

Also, I know the move pools of these Pokemon are extremely limited. Although there are like only 3-4 attacks to work with, you can create innovations by combining attacks to create perhaps a new move, a defensive way of utilizing the attack, or just combination moves. In fact, you can also make use of your surroundings (strongly encouraged). For example, if you're battling on damp soil, what could that possibly affect the Pokemon's move? Perhaps the Weedle could have used the stinger on its head to dig underground instead?

That Pokemon doesn't essentially have to learn the move. As long as it is possible and written to look realistic, it is even encouraged. Besides, I really think it is possible, given the Pokemon's sharp stinger and the wet soil, which makes it much easier to dig into the soil.

Outcome: Well, how could I possibly bare to keep you away from these little critters? :-(

Do note that however, the problem in your plot remained quite crucial. Essentially, the problems that I've listed bothered me a little. But then again, I really liked how you took the effort to describe the story and all that. And seriously, waiting so long just for two bugs... With that, Weedle and Caterpie captured!

I hope you will continue to improve, especially on your descriptions, in your future stories. Good luck!