Utter Heaven (Part 2) [A GRAND ADVENTURE]

Utter Heaven
Pokemon: Starly
Length: 6375 characters. (with spaces), 5209 (without spaces)


“Thank You for shopping with us today, we hope to be of your service again" said the lady behind the desk. Thanks to feminism, the male workers of the mart had been replaced by women, not that there is anything wrong with females. Badal walked out of the Pokemart and looked at the sphere in his hand, his thumb was itching to press that button in the center. ‘Click’ sounded the Pokeball as a cute little Mudkip hopped out. “Mudkiip”, said the female Mudkip that Badal had just bought from the mart.

“Hey, Mudkip, this is Pichu and this is Charizard, huh? Charizard? Where are you buddy? We got Mudkip to join us. Charizard? OH NO! I think he’s gone missing”.

“There is 1 place where I think Charizard might have gone," thought Badal. Outer Heaven. "Ever since I told him about the place he wanted to go there and fly. Well now that he had wings he could fly and wanted to go up there and battle all the pokemon present there." Badal, with Mudkip besides him and Pichu on his shoulder ran towards the shuttle service that ran to the different parts of Johto. It wasn’t just the sheer fact that Badal grew up here it was also that he had a urge to explore every part of the region just like his pokemon- Charizard. Well it was a Charmander until recently when it evolved. Badal and his pokemon or Team Ninja as he called it, waited at the bus stop waiting for shuttle “52B” to arrive and take them to Outer Heaven, where Charizard might be.

As he waited he heard a sound that was very recognizable. It was the sound of his friend and neighbour- Coolking. Blabbering on and on about how he IV bred his pokemon and how he had 4 EV Trained pokemon- well but that was only on his half broken DS. It was only moments until he spotted Badal. “Hey Whats up? I’m going to Goldenrod for a day, I wanted to meet my cousin- he lives there you know him right? The one with the curly hair? The one who likes to stay in caves a lot? Yes him, I remember you guys had a battle the other time and you won.” Badal walked away from him, a bit irritated. “Charizard is lost and I’m going to find him, don’t piss me off.” Badal told Coolking. Badal started walking out of the Bus stop; he was going to travel to Outer Heaven on his cycle. The bus wasn’t due for another 30 minutes. So he decided it may be quicker if he cycled there. Outer Heaven was not very far away from New Bark Town-Badal’s home town. Team Ninja was all set, Mudkip in the front basket, Pichu on his shoulder and a backpack with all the items he needed. It was barely five minutes until his first trainer battle and there were many more to come.

------------2 Hours Later------------


“Finally! We’re here! Outer Heaven. Badal parked his bike outside and walked inside. Tired from all the travelling the three went into the Pokemon Center for some rest and food. but Badal was determined not to waste any more time, and as soon as he finished his food and washed his face, he got up and took his two pokemon and ran over to the enterance. He saw a man with black hair and broad shoulders and an overall well built. He was very anxious as though he had just arrived and was waiting for someone or something. The badge said “Head Ranger Irdium” Badal walked to him and asked him, “Hey, I lost my Charizard and I think he may have come here, to try flying and battling some pokemon. I was wondering if I could go in?” Ranger Irdium looked around and then spoke slowly and in a very authoritarian voice “Sorry but I can’t let you go through. You have to pay the fees and get items to catch pokemon in there.” Badal begged the ranger until he let him through.

As Badal was about to enter the gate to the Outer Heaven, Irdium told him- “Man! I’ve never seen someone as passionate as you, well let me give you this, this is a phone that you can use in an emergency.”

“Thank you so much” said Badal as he rushed into the park. There he saw it right at the top, he saw Charizard, flying flapping its wings high in the air with its fiery eyes staring at that Fearow who used Drill Peck on Charizard…. But the orange dragon wasn’t going to give up so easy. Charizard used Flamethrower on the Fearow and the Fearow left… Badal immediately ran closer to the mountain near Charizard, He knew Charizard would never hurt a pokemon without a reaseon. Badal ran until he realized that Mudkip was still standing staring at Charizard with awe. “Mudkip! Come on, we need to get to him!”

The three ran towards Charizard and Badal asked Charizard what that pokemon did, Charizard unfolded his right wing that he had completely curled up to show a small Starly with a wound on its wing. Badal immediately understood what happened, the Fearow must have attacked the pokemon. Fearow’s are very aggressive. Badal took out from his backpack, a potion and a bandage. He carefully sprayed the Potion on Starly. Then he put the bandage. Starly was all-fine now. Badal hugged the Starly and told him all would be fine and told him to go back to his parents. As soon as Badal told him that, Charizard, took his hand and ran it across his neck, indicating that Starly’s parents died in the battle against the Fearows. Badal put his arm around the Starly and picked it up and slowly stroked its forehead. He said “Starly don’t worry, stay safe and be happy and don’t worry, everything will be good. Starly chirped, “Starly!!” All the 3 pokemon, Badal and Starly sat there as they talked to each other. Mudkip slowly walked all over the place and got everyone some berries! Mudkip and Pichu were quarrelling with each other and it was funny watching Charizard interfere and try to solve the petty little fights as though he were the eldest! (Well technically he was.) Starly sat back.

Everyone got packed and they got ready to leave. Badal bid farewell to Starly and Team Ninja started walking out of Outer Heaven. Badal was almost near the door of the exit as he felt a sharp peck at his feet. “OUCH! What was tha…Starly?? What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here.” Charizard tried to explain to Badal that it followed them all the way here to tell him that he wanted to come with Team Ninja.

“What!! You want to come with us?”, asked Badal

“Starrr..ly!” said Starly as it nodded its tiny little head.




Well that was it for the second part. Graders! Tell me may, I have this cute little Starly on my journey?

 

Claimed for Grading.

 

Introduction:

Leading a story off with a line of dialogue like this is often an effective way to get your readers to keep reading, because they want to know who is talking and why they have any relevance to the story at large. In this vein, you did a pretty good job with the introduction - enough for it to be just fine for your target Pokemon.

This type of hook - a quote from a character in the story - isn't always effective, though. While this was good enough for a Starly, in the case of more difficult captures, you might want to add in another hook line outside the dialogue just after the quote to really seal the deal and keep the readers interested. As an example, instead of using the feminism line that you used after the quote, I would have cut right to the part where Badal was preparing to open the Poke Ball as it gleamed in his hand.

In short, this introduction was good for Starly, but something more complex would need an introduction with a solid and strong hook that immediately catches the reader's attention and keeps them reading.

Plot:
Having purchased a new Pokemon from the Poke Mart, Badal proceeds to introduce his team to the new member, only to realize that one of them, his Charizard, has flown off on his new wings. Knowing his Charizard as well as he does, he can think of only one place that he could have gone - Outer Heaven. Badal proceeds to make his way there after a small run-in with Coolking, his neighbor. Once there, he manages to get past the Head Ranger, and finds his Charizard duking it out with a wild Fearow. As it turns out, Charizard was protecting a Starly whose parents were killed by said Fearow. After some words of encouragement from Badal, the Starly decides to join him.

This plot deviates from the typical "Kid saves Pokemon" mold in that it sets up this rescue through visiting a locale that one of your characters (Charizard) always longed to visit. However, it's also not too complex, which fits the category that you're going for nicely.

What I particularly enjoyed about this story is that the plot can stand on its own, even though it's a continuation of your last story (thus the "Part 2"). In all honesty, I didn't need to look at your other story at all, and I knew generally what was going on throughout the story.

Dialogue:
The dialogue here was pretty good, considering the fact that the only English-speaking character that has a prominent role in the story is Badal; the other two humans are more inclined towards cameo appearances. Despite this, I actually got the most out of the interaction between Coolking and Badal: Coolking's constant, uninterrupted string of dialogue in the middle of the story shows me that he's not afraid to gloat in front of his peers, and Badal's response shows that he is quite annoyed by this. It gave character to Coolking, who I felt really didn't have all that much to do with the story.

Though there were several interactions with Badal's Pokemon, I didn't really get much out of their personalities from these interactions. Least of all was Pichu, who didn't get any spoken lines at all in this story unless you count the arguing near the end. In the future, it would probably be a good idea to expand upon this dialogue, and indicate the bond that has formed between Badal and his Pokemon by placing modifiers on the end of the Pokemon's dialogue. For example:

That sort of exchange tells you that trainer and Pokemon have a close bond, and adds a level of depth to the story that helps it in the long run. It's worth trying for yourself next time, because it's helpful when going for something more complex.

Grammar:
I noticed a few things that are worth mentioning in this category. Whenever the speaker changes in your dialogue, you'll want to give their line a new paragraph, since this is the proper way to convey dialogue. So, this:

Would become this:

The story flows better with the second quote, and flow is very important when determining the value of a story.

Another thing I noticed is that you conveyed Badal's thoughts like any other lines of dialogue. Generally, it is better to denote thoughts using italics or single-quotes, like so:

Lastly, you'll want to watch your punctuation, because I noticed several instances in which your story could have used a comma or a semicolon. The best way to remedy this is to use a Word processor, as it will indicate when a sentence is better off with a punctuation mark most of the time. However, you can also do this yourself by reading your story aloud when proofreading. If, at any time during your proofreading, you notice that you have to pause mid-sentence, that means that you need some sort of punctuation mark there.

Practice these suggestions for next time in order to reinforce your grammar. It'll take time and effort to get the hang of it all, but once you do, your stories will flow much better.

Detail and Description:
While this story had enough length-wise, I felt that it lacked enough details to really allow me to visualize what was going on. It's important that you don't neglect to describe your characters' looks, even if this is a continuation; if someone didn't read the last part, it will be difficult for them to see your characters performing the actions they are given to perform throughout the story. Don't forget about the Pokemon, either - while this is a Pokemon forum, you can't necessarily assume that everyone knows what all the Pokemon in your story look like. Some details on the Pokemon would also help with visualization.

The part that I was most confused about was Outer Heaven. You really didn't describe what it looked like, so I had no idea what to think throughout that second scene, when Badal made it inside of the place. I think it would have helped your story a lot more if you described Badal's surroundings when he entered Outer Heaven, so that the readers could get a clear picture of where he was. This will be well worth your time to practice for next time, since these details are always a part of a good story that receives a high Grade.

Battle:
We kind of came in on the tail end of the fight between Charizard and Fearow, so there wasn't much of a battle here. I don't think it's too much of a problem, given your target Pokemon; however, you'll definitely want to have a longer battle if you go for something more complex later on. Make sure that you describe the effects of the attacks, as well, because simply stating them outright doesn't give the readers as much of an idea of what's going on.

Length:
Starly is in the Simple category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 5,000 to 10,000 characters. Your story is 6,375 characters; it's a bit short, but it makes the cut.

Outcome:
Drum roll, please...

...

The Starly jumped onto Badal's shoulder, opposite Pichu. It settled itself into place, as if its newfound perch had been its home for years.

Gotcha! Starly was caught!

I think this story is good enough for a Starly; however, there are some problems with it that you need to address in your writing before moving for something more difficult. Practice writing using my suggestions to give detail to the worlds you set your stories in and make corrections with your grammar. You take care of that, and you'll be ready to tackle something more complex!

Enjoy your catch!

 

Thanks a bunch!
I'll keep this stuff in mind