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Underground Expedition

Discussion in 'Stories' started by Eridanus, Feb 22, 2014.

  1. Eridanus

    Eridanus if I were a Pokémon I'd be part Trash-type.

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    Note: Story contains few uses of swear words.
    __________
    "Humph. So you say there's an underground tunnel complex in that area?" the steel-plated dinosaur spoke.

    "I did sense. An empty area. Much of the area dug out. By something. What is there. I can't tell," the green bird replied as he stood still. He had a habit of speaking in broken sentences.

    "We haven't been in that area yet... Okay, this reason is good enough for me. If there's anything worthwhile there, we'll dig it out. I'll order an expedition to that area right away!"

    *****

    The yellow mouselike creature picked up the toolbox as it was ready to leave the headquarters.

    The place itself was a rather large building, filled with various rooms. Currently he was in a briefing room, place where all commanding took place. It was filled with numerous maps and documents, some full of words he couldn't understand.

    "You're coming, Sandshrew?" the quadrupedal creature asked the mouse. It was quite small, with holes in its iron armor. On its back, an iron spike was growing.

    "Of course. It's not like I am standing here for half an hour just to do nothing," Sandshrew replied. He looked at his acquaintance and kinda-friend, an Aron.

    "The earlier we set off, the earlier we'll go dig."

    "A rush is anything but good here."

    "You and the stuff you say. No risk, no reward - remember?"

    "Except not so long ago, you kinda got me into an underground river. You know very well I am a poor swimmer," Sandshrew said, waiting for Aron's reaction. He only made a sound that pretty much said he wasn't concerned too much with the fact Mouse Pokémon stated.

    *****

    Sandshrew was standing in the middle of plains. This is more or less where he was supposed to start digging. Each of the participating Pokémon was assigned a place to start from, simply because the entire area was so big.

    Sandshrew started to use his paws to dig through the soil, layer by layer. They were armed with sharp claws - as such he didn't need any tool other than a lamp to brighten up the darkness.

    "Aggron said there is something down there. I wonder what it could be?" Sandshrew said to himself as he was already few meters below the ground. His leader, Aggron, said that apparently they found an underground complex in this area. He owed the discovery mainly to Xatu, the local psychic that helped them more than once.

    *****

    Sandshrew has been digging for a while, probably 30 minutes or more. He hasn't found the underground complex yet, only few smaller rooms. His paws were shaking a bit, in fear that he would accidentally loose up a rock and disturb a segment of the ground, likely causing a small rock slide as well.

    "Just focus... just focus Sandshrew, focus on what you're supposed to do, and you'll be all fine... You've done this before..." The Sandshrew tried to reassure himself. It didn't quite help, he still feared that he would accidentally hit a loose rock, or worse, a river flowing underground.

    Then the surroundings started to shake.

    "Wha– what is that? Is that a wild Pokémon? Or did I just released something?" he said, only for the quake to calm down after a while.

    "...It died off. That could mean that the source is moving." He continued to dig, to find a tunnel. He knew that it obviously means there was something there. He didn't know what exactly dug the tunnel, and if it was part of the complex. Having no clue if it was worth following, he just continued going his own way. He soon hit the point where rocks started to outnumber soft soil - which means that digging will get harder.

    Suddenly, the surroundings started to shake again.

    "Again?! What is causing it?"

    Then, out of the wall a head popped up. Then two more.

    "...oh, it's just you, Dugtrio. Dammit man, you scared me!"

    "...sorry, buddy. Can't help with that," the three-headed mole responded. "Have you found anything?"

    "Well I did found something..." Sandshrew spoke as it revealed a small, yellow rock.

    "Huh. Interesting... That could be... well... I am no expert, but I think it's a marcasite."

    "A marca what now? Never heard of that one."

    "A marcasite. Used in jewellery. Apparently contains some sulfur and iron. But as I said, I ain't an expert so I could be off."

    "Did you had more luck than me?"

    "I've found some magnetite and dolomite, but that's rather usual stuff. I did manage to locate the complex, though."

    "Really? Can you lead me there?"

    "Sure. Just don't get left behind!" Dugtrio spoke as it left.

    Sandshrew followed the tunnel Dugtrio dug. After what was probably 10 minutes, they finally reached the complex of underground tunnels... for Sandshrew to find they have entered it from the top, resulting in him falling down.

    "Ouch..." the Sandshrew said as it was getting up. He then decided to have a look around. The complex was different from where he was earlier. Here and there you could spot rocks growing from the top or the bottom of the cave, known as stalactite and stalagmite, respectively. There few puddles, too, resulting from dripping water, which made echoing splashes all over the cave. It was rather an eye-pleasing sight.

    "So, I'll go and try to search other to inform them of the complex. Hope you'll be lucky, Sandshrew."

    "Well, thanks. The more of us is here, the better."

    The two acquaintances split their ways towards their current goal.

    This time, the Sandshrew had to focus more on observing the environment and dig if he spotted anything suspicious or notable, while still being careful. He also had to keep guard up, in case of a wild Pokémon's attack. While it is a common knowledge that Pokémon like Zubat, Geodude or Onix are found in caves, there are some Pokémon one might not expect to find.

    "Going through a stroll in the cave..." the voice echoed through the corridor. "...a wonderful stroll..."

    "There's a Pokémon coming here!" Sandshrew spoke as it realized the situation. "If I can hear him, does that someone else heard my conversation with the Dugtrio? That would make searching... bit more difficult."

    Sandshrew instantly hid himself behind a larger rock, and tried to wait until the cave inhabitant has passed by.

    "I am humming a song in this cave... because it is a nice day for a stroll!"

    As the voice drew near and it was obvious it was passing by, Sandshrew got bit nervous. The Pokémon could spot him, and could ask questions. Or it could end up worse, if it was one of the "attack first, ask questions later" kinds.

    These few seconds were passing slower than they did in reality, with the humming Pokémon seemingly not noticing that there's someone else in the tunnel's segment. As soon it seemed possible, Sandshrew took a chance to get past the other Pokémon and go further into the tunnel. It didn't take too long until he found himself in a large, open room.

    There he saw some Pokémon talking, but he couldn't understand too much, for the sound didn't echo in a large, open room. Fortunately, they seemed to notice that Sandshrew was peeking in. They were focused on what were they doing, and Sandshrew took a chance to slip past them. Sandshrew knew that while digging would be probably much simpler, it also took the risk of landing oneself in the wrong place at a wrong time - he has learned that earlier. Also, most of the room was made of hard rock, with only few "soft" spots.

    The area had 4 exits, one Sandshrew came from, two on the sides and one on the other side - Sandshrew entered the one on the left. To his surprise, it ended with a room that had a tunnel dug in its side!

    "There's a tunnel... Is it the one Dugtrio used? Or is it someone's else? There are no signs telling how old the tunnel is." Sandshrew went inside the tunnel. "At least, none I can spot."

    The tunnel was curving and turning around for seemingly no reason other than the free will of whoever dug it. After a while of crawling in what seemed to be a miniature maze, the other end of the tunnel turned out to lead into a dead end.

    "Well, that's a shame. Better go b–"

    "Lookie lookie what I've found." a voice came from behind.

    "?!" Sandshrew turned around to find a flying blue feminine-looking ghost.

    "A wild Misdreavus!" Sandshrew reacted.

    "And you're a Sandshrew," Misdreavus replied. "Or, to be more specific, an intruder. Which I need to take care of." Misdreavus said as it released a wavy rainbow beam, which Sandshrew got barely scratched by.

    "No peacemaking, then?"

    "Nope."

    Misdreavus attacked Sandshrew again with a black sphere surrounded by static. However, the Sandshrew dug a tunnel and attacked from the below... for Misdreavus only to float away.

    "This room is too small..." Sandshrew muttered to himself and dug a tunnel away from the room.

    "Hey you! Where you think you're going?" Misdreavus followed him through the ground.

    Sandshrew tried to get together map of what he has seen already, but it wasn't easy, having to dig fast and think at the same time. After thinking for a while, he changed his movement to get more or less to the place he entered from.

    "C'mon, it's somewhere around here..." Sandshrew spoke to himself.

    "Boo!" a voice emanated from somewhere.

    "Wah! What was that?! Misdreavus? Well, I need to dig furthe–" Suddenly he felt he was scratching against a hard surface. "What? Oh... Ugh, quartz crystals. Have to go back."

    "TAKE THAT!" Sandshrew turned out, only to see a flash of rainbow light.

    "Ouch ...that hurt. Misdreavus, you're a pesky one..." Sandshrew responded to what appeared to be Misdreavus, as he curled himself into a ball. "But I gotta go!" Sandshrew then rolled out while hitting Misdreavus in result.

    Rolling around at fast speed, getting back was quite fast, though Sandshrew still felt Misdreavus's direct attack on his hide. With the speed, he shot out of the hole and hit the roof of the small room, causing a small indentation in its dolomite structure. He then rolled towards the open room... only to find two Geodude blocking the entrance.

    "Yer goin' somewhere?" Geodude #1 said as it threw a rock against Sandshrew. Sandshrew counterattacked by slashing Geodude #1 though he hardly even scratched the boulder-like Pokémon, which proceed to throw him with a great force into the room... right into the middle part that's elevated down.

    "Hey, wanna play another round of Sandshrew Throw?" Geodude #1 joked to the other one.

    "Sure, why not?" Geodude #2 replied. This made Sandshrew's look dumbstruck.

    "Hey, look at his expression! So funny."

    While they were talking, Sandshrew took time to think. He became outlined in a faint brown aura and then jumped, causing a moderate quake. The quake caused the tunnel behind the Geodude to collapse, as well as hurting the Geodude themselves.

    "Oh you little–" Geodude #1 didn't like the attack and shot a storm of small pebbles while Geodude #2 smoothed itself, which caused a faint white aura to surround it. Sandshrew endured the pebble storm and attacked Geodude #1, but it failed to do so when Geodude #2 disappeared in a second, and took him from behind, trying to squeeze and grip him.

    "Geodude are not that fast! That white aura... ugh." Sandshrew was somewhat shocked by Geodude being faster than him.

    "Do you like that? Ha! That shouldn't last long," Geodude #1 Sandshrew said.

    Sandshrew was struck by a cold feeling through his body. "My chest hurts..."

    "As I said, that won't last for too long, you little rat thing... not too long."

    Sandshrew tried to break loose of the grip by wildly flailing, but to no avail. Geodude #2's grasp was tight.

    Then suddenly, by a corner of his eye, he spotted a yellow blur...

    "Wait wh–" Geodude #1 got hit by the blur, hard enough to throw it few meters back. The blur then revealed itself to be a Pikachu.

    "Hey you!" Geodude #2 said. "Don't move, or this guy will be in... poor condition."

    Pikachu suddenly stopped its movements.

    "Good. Now you listen to me, you little yellow mouse..." Geodude #2 continued to talk to Pikachu. "You raise up arms and do not try anything stupid, understood?!"

    "Crystal clear!" the Pikachu responded.

    "Hey you! Get up!" Geodude #2 talked to Geodude #1, who was lying unconscious. But it didn't respond.

    "Ah well, whatever."

    "Did I miss anything?" a voice spoke from below the ground. It was Misdreavus, the one from earlier. "That little Sandshrew made me pass out earlier..."

    "But he's now here in my grasp. With this other mouse. Betcha they didn't appear here accidentally," Geodude #1 responded. "Now, you two show

    how you got here."

    "...Ugh... Okay..." Sandshrew silently spoke. "...if the collapsed tunnel is there.... then... the entrance is... there..." he said as he pointed toward an exit left to the collapsed one.

    As Sandshrew guided, so they followed. It didn't take too much to get to the hole that was left in the top of the tunnel.

    "Wait, you came from the roof? Why would enter from the top instead from maybe, a side or the bottom of the cave?"

    "Because of an error..." Sandshrew spoke, still in a silent voice.

    "Wait, it's a cave? I thought it's some kind of tunnel." Pikachu said.

    "We actually don't know exactly what it is," another voice spoke from the other side of the room. "We're just calling it a cave."

    "That voice...!" Sandshrew spoke, this time more clearly. "I've heard it before... it's that one I avoided earlier!"

    "Oh, so you've seen me before?" the voice revealed itself. It was a blue bipedal creature with closed eyes. It had long earlike arms on the head and a black tail.

    "Wynaut! Where you've been all the time?" Misdreavus spoke.

    "I was just on a stroll. Gee, can't I have a simple stroll?" Wynaut replied. "So, I see we have some guests."

    "More like intruders." Geodude threw in.

    "Guests, intruders. Not that much of a difference to me."

    "Why you're all like that?" Misdreavus said to Wynaut. "The intruders could find out things we don't want to be found out."

    "Why not? And even if, then what? It's not like these two would have any use of them."

    "Even if, they can alway–"

    Geodude didn't finish the sentence, for he got interrupted by a quake. And then launched midair, loosing the grip on Sandshrew. In Geodude's place, there was now a Dugtrio. There were also few stalactites lying on the ground, but they haven't hit anyone.

    "Howdy! Did I interrupt anything?" Dugtrio said.

    Pikachu took the chance and launched a jolt of electricity at Misdreavus when it was confused as to what was happening.

    "Agh you!" Misdreavus looked at the Geodude, who was lying unconscious, and Wynaut, who was rather unwilling to fight. Realizing the uneven situation, it simply flew away.

    "Actually, you saved us from doom," Pikachu responded. "Thank you."

    "No problem. I've also informed the others of the complex... and they're probably on the other end of it," Dugtrio said and look at the Sandshrew "You look bad..."

    "...Yeah. Ugh... still hurts... can't feel my... I... can't... feel..." Sandshrew muttered so weakly, only he could hear himself, after what he simply collapsed.

    "Dammit! He passed out!" Pikachu yelled.

    ******

    Sandshrew slowly opened his eyes, to see himself lying in a hospital bed, with a bandage tied around the chest.

    "Oh look, he's awake," someone spoke. He focused his eyesight and noticed it was Aron. Near him there was Pikachu.

    "And you were like that I'll hurt you... I didn't! Ha," Aron continued on.

    "That isn't exactly something you would say to an injured Pokémon..." Pikachu said.

    "C'mon, I am just teasing with him, like usually."

    "So... what are the results?" Sandshrew finally spoke.

    "Well... you kinda distracted the wild Pokémon in the cave. They were basically attacking on two different sides," Aron explained.

    "A Geodude coming and saying there's someone else on the other end of the cave surely confused them," Pikachu continued the explanation.

    "That gave the rest chance to get through. They also picked up us later."

    "They have found something interesting. Some weird kind of rock. Nobody knows what it is, not even Aggron or Xatu," Aron spoke, as if excited.

    "Either way, you could consider that a job done well. Get well soon!" Pikachu said, as she left. After a while, Aron left too.

    Sandshrew, gathering all the thoughts and his recent experience, was wondering what they found. What could be that rock? One thing he knew is that everything still hurt him, and he had to sleep. Sleep a lot.
    Aiming for: Sandshrew

    CC: Around 16298 (A bit of an overkill. Still not as large as the one on NSFA's "clichéd" story where the overkill reached grand 10k)

    Difficulty: Simple (5-10k)

    Author's notes:

    Another attempt to get another Pokémon. Still can't find the thing you call confidence. If it isn't crystal clear, the story's set in Mystery Dungeon universe.

    I wasn't sure whether to "the" particle (that's how it is called, right?) use the for Pokémon. In the end, I didn't use it.

    inb4 I accidentally made errors I read about earlier without noticing I even made them. Meh.

    Seriously, I kinda feel I ended up worse in few places.
     
  2. Peaceful Giraffe

    Peaceful Giraffe Ehehehehe...

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    Claimin for my first grade!
     
  3. Peaceful Giraffe

    Peaceful Giraffe Ehehehehe...

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    Introduction: Your story sort of lacks an introduction. It jumps straight into the conversation between Aggron and Xatu. Is that Aggron or Aron? I really can't tell, because he is only called a steel-plated dinosaur, which applied to both Aggron and Aron, and it is later established that both exist in the story. But anyways, this style of introduction isn't bad, because we are in the story right away, with no delay. It's just that they usually begin with something a bit more exciting then 'humph'.

    Plot: Your plot is pretty solid. Sandshrew works on a tunneling team, and they stumble into a tunnel that happens to house a mysterious stone. What I want to know is what exactly does the mysterious stone do? It seems to be very important in the context of your story, but you just leave the reader dangling with a cliffhanger. Cliffhangers are fine if you plan on continuing the story, in fact they make your readers more excited for the next installment, but in a single-chapter short story, they don't really fly.

    And silently, fyi, means it doesn't make noise. So speaking silently, as is done here
    is pretty impossible.

    Humming is what is generally done without words. You just sort of hum the tune. What Wynaut was doing would be classified as singing.

    Also
    Then why did he have a toolbox earlier, if he didn't need any tools besides a lamp?

    Grammar:
    There are a couple repeat offenders in this area. One was that you referred to your main character as both 'it' and 'he'.
    I'm just gonna assume he's a guy.

    Another big one was tenses. It looked like you occasionally got present and past tense screwed up, like so
    This should be, I was standing here for half an hour, because he isn't in the process of standing. He has already done it, hence the past-tense.

    You have a stray comma flying around too.
    And a spot for a comma where there should be a period.
    Should be, Geodude didn't finish the sentence, for he got interrupted by a quake, and then launched into midair, losing the grip on Sandshrew.

    However, for the most part, these are minor errors. I didn't even notice two out of three of them the first time I looked through the story. (The one I did notice was the tenses)

    Description: Your descriptions fall into three catagories. Pokemon, Pokemon attacks, and... rock formations? Sure. Why not. My point is that I love having the characters described, whether they look like regular Pokemon or not. You did that with Misdreavus here.
    The area where you fall short is setting description. They are in a cave. That is all we will ever know for sure. What color are the walls? Is the floor pebbly or smooth? Is it dark or lit somehow?

    Length: As you already stated, you had a bit of overkill on your character count. It works in your favor, though, and while I think some parts of the story could have been compressed, such as the close call with the humming Wynaut the first time around, and not have any impact on the outcome of the actual story, it is a better story all around when it's longer. So, you got a bit carried away with some parts of the story.

    The Verdict: Despite the things I pointed out, (take it as advice for the future, not criticism) you worked super hard on a Simple story. You went overboard on this, and you deserve a reward. Sandshrew is caught!
     
  4. Eridanus

    Eridanus if I were a Pokémon I'd be part Trash-type.

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    Yay!

    Also, congratulations on becoming a Grader.