Training Days: Abra- Ready for Grading

Author: Trilroy
Length: 15177 (First time, please go easy on me lol...)
Intended Capture: Abra

"Only five hours till sunset, Duke."​

Looking up at Trilroy from where he crouched, Duke gave a sarcastic grunt. The small (yet solidly built) Tyrogue grabbed a hold of the two fairly large chunks of tree trunk that had summoned him to the ground in the first place. He tossed the two heaps over his shoulders, turned around, and began walking off, all in one graceful if not forceful motion. Trilroy, being left behind by his own pokemon, gave a dry scoff. Being sure to follow a fair distance from Duke, he took off after his young, rebellious fighting type.​

"Make that four hours till."​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been several weeks since the pair had begun their journey together. A chance encounter in the hills that dotted the opaque, green landscape of the meadow like fields where his home was, Trilroy had neither the knowledge nor will to believe that a fighting type pokemon, so commonly seen in mountains and wastelands, was in anyway near the vicinity of his lush green paradise. Indeed, it seemed as though Duke was surprised at the prospect of being in the location himself. And while the two were surprised to stumble upon each other to say the least, in no way were they friends. Yet, they were in no way enemies either. From the moment they met, Trilroy and Duke shared a bond that could not be described as anything but human. Rivals, brothers, best friends, or soul mates, whatever you called it, they had that closeness. And while the details of who, where, and why are not so nearly important, what is important is the understanding these two separate souls had for another, to which has helped them survive the few weeks up till this point on their own. ​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nearing their camping spot they caught a glimpse of their accommodations for the evening. A makeshift, tattered little mess of a tent (made from worn out clothes and other improvations,) a small black, cauldron-like pot that was already set out over a long dead fire, and a wire hung about from a nearby tree, tied to another not to far off, with what looked to be fish bones and other carcasses that need not go into mention.​

"Duke, set one of the trunks near the fire pit. I'll get us some light for the night. You can sit the other one near the tent so I've got something to wittle with tonight." Trilroy instructed from far off, as Duke entered the campsite before him.​

Duke looked back and nodded in compliance happily.​

While not nearly so complacent with orders, Duke did enjoy it when Trilroy made wood toys for him to play with whenever they had the time. Most of the week the two of them trained constantly to keep up with Duke's voracious appetite for strength building, which put a severe hamper on both time to get supplies and Trilroy's time and energy for witling, so whenever Trilroy did sit down and make his little knick-knacks to keep Duke's mind off fighting, it was always a welcome prospect for the both of them. ​

Duke put the two blocks in their respective places, then tended to the campsite. Taking down the wire and cleaning it of any left over charred flesh, then emptying the pot and cleaning any residue still clinging to the bottom. All these chores were normally the responsibility of Duke anyway, but with Trilroy's newfound enthusiasm for witling, so too did Duke take a better appreciation for his everyday work. Trilroy in the meantime went to work on getting food for their dinner, which was in a mere hour or so. Making his way down to the creek which they had purposely set their camp next to, he homed in on a small wooden post that was placed deep down in the muddy banks by the water. As he approached, he saw that the medium sized fish net which he had tied down the afternoon earlier was still there. The net was tied to a rock about halfway across the creek, and had been catching all kinds of water bound creatures all day long while they were out. He picked up a branch that had washed up on the bank nearby, and as though he had done this many times before, reached over till the tip of the branch was at the halfway point of the net. Feeding the tip through one of the holes, and with a strong, fluid heave, detached the other end of the net and brought it back to him, with only a minimal amount of fish escaping in the process.​

Undoing the other end of the net from the post, and tying the two ends together, Trilroy flung the net full of fish over his shoulder and headed back to camp. Upon his arrival, he found that the campfire had already been started by Duke, who had also completely cleaned the area until it was spotless. Sitting criss-cross in eager anticipation at the prospect of both food and toys, Duke could barely mask his joy as Trilroy flung the sack on the ground and sat down next to his pokemon. ​

"Dig in buddy." Trilroy smiled ceaselessly.​

Duke took Trilroy's whittling knife which he had placed near the stump earlier and cut the sack of fish open. A few Magikarp flopped about aimlessly, but other then that everything else was a solid catch. Duke stood up, and looking the pathetic fish pokemon dead in the eye, kicked them all one by one back into the creek from which they came. After taking great joy at hearing the huge splashes that he could make from a decent distance away, Duke sat back down, grabbed some prepared skewering sticks, and prodded the edible fish right through. Trilroy followed suit, and the two of them put their kebobs over the fire to cook.​

"You're a pretty morbid little pokemon Duke," Trilroy said plainly as he leaned away from the fire. "I don't know what I'm going to the do with you, I swear."​

Duke simply smiled a wide grin and took pleasure with narcissistic contempt. He leaned back as well, mimicking his trainer’s posture. The two of them looked at each other, and with an understanding nod, the two of the cracked a chuckle at the similarities the two of them shared. ​

"Duke, what would I do without you?" Trilroy asked slowly.​

Duke looked back in earnest. Unable to talk but able to read Trilroy's emotion perfectly, he simply scooted in closer, and put his head on his trainer’s shoulder.​

"Aww. You're not going to start purring for me, are you?" Trilroy laughed jokingly. ​

Duke looked up at his trainer and smiled, and Trilroy smiled back. The two of them kept their eyes on each other, and for a few moments, life was good. Not the long, arduous training days that they had grown accustomed to, but for the first time since possibly they met, the two of them got to bond outside of sparring. Duke retreated back a little from his master, and instead put his arms behind his head, and laid back to look at the early stars that started to appear in the sky overhead. Trilroy took the opportunity to flip the kebobs over and to take a deep whiff of the delicious, moistening fumes the fish gave off as they roasted. He closed his eyes and let the scents and the air around him take him into an easy forgetting that seemed to envelop him, until there was nothing left but mellow. And in that mellow he thought about all the adventures he and his friend had shared in their short time together, and how much stronger the two of them had become because of their commitment to each other. The thought of the two of them becoming even stronger grew within the confines of his mind, and there it festered, and grew out like a wild vine, until it turned into a natural high that he wanted to experience over and over again​

"You know what Duke," Trilroy started, turning his head towards his companion. "We need to do days like this more..."​

But as he opened his eyes, he didn't see Duke lying on his back anymore. What he saw was Duke, bolt upright, staring straight forward across the creek, his golden eyes wide and analyzing. Trilroy sat quietly, and everything else was quiet too, save for the crackling of burning fish over the fire. Then after a few minutes of waiting, he heard it. A strange, strange feeling. As though a wave of force rippled through out the surrounding area, and continued to linger in his very being until it became unbearable and it forced him to gasp for air. That's when Duke started to growl. ​

Duke, an otherwise humanly pokemon, with basic anatomy and body structure resembling an average human, usually acted as such, and presented himself as such. But this growl he gave, a beastly, unnerving growl, reminded Trilroy that Duke was still a pokemon, and had an inner beast that awaited provocation. The growl was low, and barely audible, but combined with his blank golden stare, and the now dimming night that reared its ugly head, and the wave of unsettling energy that surrounded everyone, including himself, Trilroy had every reason to feel unsettled.​

"Duke, what is it?" Trilroy whispered.​

Duke turned to face him, still expressionless and growling, golden eyes still wide with a hundred yard stare. And while his defenses were up, he tried to communicate somewhat with Trilroy. He raised one hand up and pointed across the creek, at no specific point, because not even Duke knew what exactly it was or where it was.​

"Duke, what is it?!" Trilroy finally exclaimed.​

Pressure. Rippling, thundering, pressure. A wave of force again rippled through out the area, only this time the beats were much faster and the power much greater. Trilroy spun around and looked behind him. Nothing. He spun around again. Still Nothing. Yet as he turned to look at Duke again, he saw a purple haze of a flash. Next thing he knew, Duke was some twenty yards away, lying on his back after being dragged the entire distance, clenching at his head after an apparent concussion​

"Duke!" Trilroy jumped up and ran towards the tent for his gear. There was no time to be scared now. It is a trainer's duty to protect his pokemon, and if anyone needed protecting then and there, it was Duke. He ran to crappy tent where his backpack was thrown, along with his belt with poke balls on it. He threw the pack over his shoulders, and preparing a Poke ball just to be sure, he ran over to his wounded partner and held out a hand.​

"Let's beat this sucker down." Tilroy boomed, as Duke reached for his hand and pulled himself up.​

Duke shook off his pervious blow and stood at the ready. He kept his arms in close and his stance wide. Eyes closed with ears alert to detect any sounds, the fighting type was out for blood.​

A quick perk of the ear. Pressure. Thundering ripples of force. A purple hazy flash. Screams. Everything happened so quickly that Trilroy couldn't tell what had gone down until after the fact. After analyzing the situation for a second or too, he realized exactly what was going on. In the apparent milliseconds it took for the two to clash, Duke took down the opponent with his Fake Out attack, something no pokemon could ever dodge, no matter how quick. And from behind his partner he saw the opponent. ​

Off in the distance, to where Duke had thrown him not even a second before, an Abra lay on the ground, writhing in pain from the apparent beat down he had suffered at the hands of Duke. And as the pokemon took time to recuperate, Trilroy put the pieces of the puzzle together.​

The rippling forces that he had been feeling were the Abra's signature Teleport attack. While most people believe that Teleport only affects an individual, the entire space-time is affected to some degree, and whenever a particularly powerful psychic type uses Teleport, the effects can be felt much more viciously than normal. As for the purple haze, the sheer power of this particular Abra must have produced some form of miasma, to the point where it can be visibly seen when teleporting. A very dangerous pokemon to be on the receiving end of.​

However Trilroy did not have much time to review the details, as his opponent was already getting up and ready to fight. The psychic type cracked its frail head to which Trilroy could hear an audible *pop* and almost instantly began waving its hands in a bizarre fashion.​

"Duke, you have to be careful. He might not have any actual psychic attacks yet, but he can still teleport around you and cause physical damage." Trilroy shouted, to both make his point and trip up his opponent.​

Duke nodded and kept his eyes on his opponent.​

"Also..." Trilroy started, as Abra disappeared into another Teleport attack. "Just because he can't use attacks, doesn't mean he can't do other things too."​

Duke nodded again, and waited. Regaining his stance and form, Duke was ready to perform any counter-measure for his warping opponent. Trilroy, too, stood ready to command his partner for the first true test of their abilities. An eerie sort of silence fell over the battlefield. As the small breeze blew in from the south, the leaves in the trees nearby rusted, and the creek water was still audible, but was all a strange detour from the chaotic battle that was about to unfold any second now.​

"Duke. Foresight!!" Trilroy suddenly roared.​

Duke's eyes suddenly shot open and changed from gold to bright red. Through his eyes, all was revealed, and nothing, not even the veil of warped reality where Abra lay beyond, could escape his glare. As he looked around, suddenly there was another flash, and as if it has been waiting for Trilroy to call a command all along, Abra was on the attack again.​

From behind Duke, Abra suddenly appeared, tail whipping through the air as it swung it with all its force toward the fighting type. ​

"Duke! Fake out!"​

Duke suddenly disappeared into a checker-blind pattern and vanished as Abra's tail swung through his after image. The confused Abra was helpless in the air as Duke appeared above him and smacked his fists into the base of his neck. The Abra fell to the ground, flinched, but not down for the count. Duke followed suit and landed on the ground with force enough to shake it, a mere feet away from Abra.​

"Tackle attack!"​

Duke braced against the ground for a moment, then shot forward with what seemed like elastic force. The Abra, still on the ground from the previous attack, was helpless as the Tyrogue thrust into him with a full body charge, sending the Abra skidding across the grassy ground, into a bramble bush some thirty yards away. Duke fell forwards and landed on his stomach. Exhausted, he found enough strength to flop over on his back, and with his arms, motion for Trilroy to throw the ball at the pokemon.​

"Abra, your ass is mine!" Trilroy sneered. He took the ball, clicked the middle to enlarge it, and tossed the Poke Ball with all his might. With it went all the resentment he felt for the pokemon attacking him and his partner, but also went with it the prospect of having a new companion. And as the Abra, still weak from the fight, popped its head out of the bramble bush to get its bearing, the ball came slamming down on its head, turning it to light, and in the ball it went. ​

One shake. Two shakes. Three shakes...did it work?​

 

Introduction, Characters, Backstory: The location your story takes place in is adequately introduced and described, and at least some of Trilroy and Duke's backstory is given, but readers might still find themselves asking 'How did they get there? Why is Trilroy not at home with his family? Just who is Trilroy?' For a Hard-rated catch, you need to express more than the very basics about your characters.
Also, while we all know what a Tyrogue looks like, more or less, Trilroy himself is never actually described physically. See the Details/Descriptions section below for more on that...
One thing I did like was how the characters are believable and interesting. Duke's and Trilroy's personalities are not only well expressed but also consistent.


Plot Content, Plot Flow: The plot deviates to some extent from the classic, generic 'Newbie Trainer receives starter Pokémon, heads out in search of new Pokémon to catch." The fact that these two, Trainer and Pokémon, are here to train themselves adds at least some uniqueness to the story. However, the plotline simply isn't long enough, as is evinced by the fact that you're almost 5,000 characters short of the 20,000-character 'minimum' guideline.
While the length is a guideline only, rather than a concrete rule, it is usually a good indication of whether your plot, descriptions and battles are long enough. In this case, your plot needs something more than simply the daily life of Pokémon and Trainer. While the whole setup is well-described and interesting to read, you should try boosting your character count by adding something else that happens before the battle with the Abra. That way your plot, which is probably adequate for a Medium-rated catch, will have that extra bit of interest-- a 'plot twist'-- that boosts it into Hard-catch-worthiness.


Grammar, Sentence Flow: There were quite a couple of troubles in this area. While most of your sentences were descriptive and perfectly legible, there were a few places where I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to say. The main offender is the following paragraph, the second large one in your story:

What I can decipher from this is that:
-Fighting-type Pokémon are rare in the area where Trilroy lives.
-Trilroy and Duke 'are in no way friends,' something which seems to be thoroughly refuted later in the story. Though you may have meant that they were neither friends nor enemies at the moment they met, at no point in the paragraph is it clear what time frame you're talking about (Is this happening now? Is it a past occurrence? Or is it just 'the past in general.') I'd suggest rephrasing this part of the paragraph especially..
-The two have a bond of some sort that isn't friendship, more like brotherhood or a 'soul bond.' I understood this correctly, I think, but I had to reread the latter part of the paragraph several times before I could figure out what you meant.
Essentially, the reader might get most of the message you were trying to transmit, but it takes a couple of rereads and a good bit of effort. This is mostly because of the way it's not clear when you're talking about. Please try to rewrite that paragraph more clearly.

Grammatical Quibbles: While the above are problems that hurt the legibility/comprehensiveness of your writing, the following are just nitpicks that don't really impact your story's flow. I'm putting them here because they still make the story feel less polished, but these are the kinds of errors I won't be 'marking you down' for.

The reference to the chunks of wood 'summoning' him to the ground seems odd, though I understand what you were trying to say. Perhaps, instead, you should write this as something like, "...the two fairly large chunks of wood that were the reason he had been released from his Poké Ball." (I'm not sure whether you intended this, but the way you say 'summoned him to the ground' implies that he was previously in his Poké Ball. If that's not the case, substitute "the reason he had been brought here" for "released from his Poké Ball.")

The verb is 'whittle,' with an H. Just a spelling correction that is important because you use the word several times. ^_^

When you use 'not nearly so (adjective)' in a sentence, you need to follow it with a dependent clause using 'as (noun/adjective).'
Also, you need to add 'normally' due to the context: If you say he simply ISN'T complacent with orders, your statement seems to refute the fact that Duke actually is complying with Trilroy's suggestions at the moment.
Example: "While normally not nearly so complacent with orders as he was being now, Duke did enjoy..."
Example (indirect "While normally not nearly so complacent with orders as this, Duke did enjoy..."

This sentence seems to be a bit 'run-on,' in addition to the bolded part being an incorrect way of saying that. Please split this into two, or even several, sentences, and correct the 'hamper' thing.
"Put a strain on" is the phrase that would work correctly in that context. "To hamper," as a verb, is not useable as a noun. A hamper is an object.
"To put a hamper on the table" is to put a large basket or rigid bag of some sort on the table. "To hamper his competitor's efforts" is to impede that competitor. "To put a hamper on his competitor's efforts" is impossible. :kawaii:
As for the run-on sentence problem, I suggest changing the sentence to something like:
--Most of the week, the two of them trained constantly to keep up with Duke's voracious appetite for strength building, which put a severe strain on both time to get supplies and Trilroy's time and energy for whittling. This was why, whenever Trilroy did sit down and make his little knick-knacks to keep Duke's mind off fighting, it was always a welcome prospect for the both of them.

The action verbs in this sentence are all in the present participle (one of two verb tenses that end in '-ing.') The ones you used all are the present participle, and produce the 'progressive aspect,' meaning that they take place in sequence or at the same time-- that's what you meant to communicate, which is good. However, the problem is that no sentence with such a verb in it can stand alone: It requires a verb of a different tense. Two simple ways to fix this would be:
Merge the two sentences: "Duke put the two blocks in their respective places, and then tended to the campsite, taking down the wire and cleaning it of any left-over charred flesh, then emptying the pot and cleaning any residue still clinging to the bottom."
Change the tense of the actions: "Duke put the two blocks in their respective places, and then tended to the campsite. He took down the wire and cleaned it of any left-over charred flesh, then emptied the pot and cleaned any residue still clinging to the bottom."
In the former, the two verbs in the simple past tense ('he put, he tended') allocate the sentence an overall tense, which the participles 'follow.'
In the latter, the participles are eliminated and instead placed in the simple past. If you really care, the following 'Spoiler' tag is an explanation of what participles are supposed to do, but skip it if you just want to get this over with. :lol:

Spoiler

The way participles-- past and present alike-- work is by, effectively, taking on or 'absorbing' the tense of the other verbs in the sentence, while at the same time communicating that the participle ('progressive aspected') actions are done either simultaneously or one after another.
Using a different tense for the non-participle verbs would yield completely different meanings, even though the participles would remain the same.
To clarify, I'll give an example, using your writing. First, the finite past ('They had left the scene of the crime when the police arrived.')

In the present tense:

Finally, to demonstrate how versatile the present participle is, the future tense: lol

If that makes the use of the tense clearer for you, and will help you avoid making the same mistake again in future, then I've done my job. :shy:

This sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward because the subject of the sentence (Trilroy) isn't mentioned at all ('him' is the object of 'brought it back,' so it doesn't count.) The problem shouldn't be too difficult for you to fix.
One option is to simply switch 'Feeding' for 'Trilroy fed,' and you're done.
If you want to keep the gerund (a gerund is what this use of the word 'feeding' is, I think,) you could change the sentence to, "Feeding the tip through one of the holes, Trilroy detached the other end of the net with a strong, fluid heave..."
Either way, you have to mention Trilroy for the sentence to be complete. You can do this with a pronoun, though; 'he' works just as well as 'Trilroy'.

I can't really explain how, but this isn't the right use of 'ceaselessly.' "Triloy said, unable to stop smiling," would simply sound far better. I think it's that 'ceaselessly' is really only useable when you mention a period of time, as in, "For three days, the new father smiled almost ceaselessly," but I'm not sure...
Anyhow, that's it for the Quibbles. Hope I didn't irritate you too much with my nitpicking. :uhoh:

Detail, Description: This is actually very good, one of the strongest aspects of your story. Most locations are well described, and the detail of your writing goes over and above just what the reader needs to know about the place. I especially like the various olfactory and auditory details, such as when Trilroy smells the odor of the cooking fish-- it turns a reader's subconscious reaction from 'Okay, he's cooking fish. Yay...' to "...Wow, that sounds good. I'm hungry." xD
The only thing that was lacking here was that Trilroy himself is never physically described. We know what a Tyrogue looks like, and you mention a few things such as Duke's golden eyes, but very little information is given about Trilroy. A brief head-to-toe description near the beginning of the story is in order, or else a series of mentions of his physical features in the first couple of paragraphs ("Trilroy stretched his slender but well-muscled arms, a bit stiff after the day's training.")


Battles: The battle is also a strong point in your writing. Everything is well described, and the transition from the rest of the story to the battle is smooth. There's a bit of vagueness and a couple brief 'timeskips' thrown in ('the next thing Trilroy knew...') but they make sense because your character is being hit with the weaker equivalent of a Confusion attack.


Overall: While the battle and descriptions are skillfully written, and the plot is made quite enjoyable by these two aspects, I found the story a bit difficult to read and understand at times. In addition, the plot was not quite complex enough for a Hard-rated capture, and as a result you ended up significantly below the minimum character requirement for the story.


Result:
Abra: Not Caught.
There's still hope, though! Feel free to edit your story in whatever ways you wish, hopefully using my comments as a guideline, and then PM me on these boards or message me on AIM (my AIM name is MagikchickenURPG) and I will come and re-grade the story.
You're not far off-- your story just needs a bit of refining before it conforms to the quite high standards of a Hard capture.
~Magik~