The Trainer Life: Origins (Comments Welcome)

Pokemon writing for: Magby
Status: Ready for Grading
Editors Note: Paragraphs are not working

I am Alex, a Pokemon Trainer in the fabulous region of Tannu. Lush, green and often cold, there are many unusual places from the Mythical Omega Palace to the Great River which traverses throughout the entire region. More and more things are being discovered including hidden chambers in Mt. Pitch and secluded islands on route 241. But despite all of this, my home in Waystone Town is extremely normal and the only people that come by are Trainers that have come to challenge Aeolus, the Gym Leader of the next town over. He uses the Flying type and is also my idol. How I became a Trainer may just be luck. These are my origins.

I woke on that day feeling great, expecting Professor Hickory, the Professor of this region to be in the town centre giving out starter Pokemon. As I was 10, I dashed outside to receive mine. I'd been dreaming about which I'd choose, but decided that any would do. My dreams were shattered by the commotion outside.
There were shouts of 'Where?' and 'She should come through Route 243 right now' all over the place. But the most startling my friend, Kyle, muttering urgently into his PokeGear. He was talking to a friend who had seen the Professor when she left. I couldn't hear much of it, but Kyle's expression was dark.
"What'd he say?" I asked him barely hiding the excitement.
"Team Galactic? I thought that they were only fables to be told to misbehaving kids..." Kyle muttered incoherently. He was older than me by a few years and knew way more than I did, and showing me up was his specialty.
"That's not good. They terrorized Sinnoh... Are we next?" I yelped.
"No no no! This is impossible..." Kyle was obviously thunderstruck.
At that moment, Tanya, a girl who lived near us and was about as old as Kyle, ran over after hearing a little of our conversation, which broke our worried spell. It was she who suggested for us to go rescue the Professor to get our Starters faster, and (of course) we all went along with it.
................
Somehow, we managed not to get attacked on by wild Pokemon on our rescue mission. If we had, we probably would have turned back to Waystone Town and possibly wouldn't have become trainers. Yet these pleasantly lucky things often happen.
When we finally found the Professor, we were shocked to discover that the rumors about Team Galactic's return were all too real. There were three Galactic Grunts who had tied up Professor Hickory and they were stealing the starters!
We lunged into the fray without any real idea of what the heck was going on. Kyle and I tackled a Grunt while Tanya ran for the Professor. The sudden ambush startled the Grunts. Another stroke of luck; the Grunt we tackled had a starter in his hand. Kyle grabbed it and released the Pokemon inside, a Piplup. I kept the Grunt pinned as Kyle proceeded to use the Penguin Pokemon to protect Tanya and the Professor.
"Piplup! Use tackle on that Grunt!" Kyle commanded.
Unfortunately, the falling of the grunt distracted me enough to let the other grunt under me to gain the advantage in our wrestle. Tanya must have let a Pokemon out of one of the Pokeballs that the Grunts stole, because my world flipped several times as a Bulbasaur barreled into me and the Grunt whom I was fighting. Then, the weight of the Grunt was gone, and the others with him. They had all fled the scene faster than they appeared. They also took a Pokemon with them.
Great. There went my Starter. Another piece of luck.
The Professor thanked us deeply and let Kyle and Tanya keep the Pokemon that they used in the battle. I felt horrid. Was I not going to be given a Starter after all? Professor Hickory noticed my gloomy expression and told me:
"Don't worry, I'll find you a special Starter."
I spent the next week waiting.
................
The day that the Professor finally came was one of the best days in my life. She walked directly to my door without even looking around. When she knocked, I almost burst out onto her.
"Whoa!" She said, "you startled me. Anyway, I brought you the Pokemon I promised. Sorry you don't get the choice, but this Pokemon is extremely rare here. Almost like a starter."
I'd been day dreaming yet again about what I'd name my new Mudkip when the words finally struck home.
"Wait," I said, "I don't get a regular Starter Pokemon?"
"Yup," she replied, "here it is; a Gligar!"
I was dumbfounded. I hadn't even heard of Gligar until then.
Then, she released the FlyScorpion Pokemon and I fell in love with it right then and there. The Professor noticed my extreme satisfaction and stated:
"I knew you'd like it."
I managed to squeak out something that could vaguely be considered as a 'Thank you' as my new friend landed on my shoulder.
She then handed my five Pokeballs.
"Here," she said, "as you know, those are the devices used to catch Pokemon. I have no doubt that you will start catching new Pokemon very fast. That is also why I want you to have this."
She then stuffed a small, red device into my hand.
"That is a Pokedex," the Professor explained, "it records data on Pokemon you have caught. It can be very helpful to you, but it is mostly so that I can have a record on the Pokemon of the Tannu region."
I actually managed to say "Thanks" this time.
"Don't mention it. Now go start your adventure!"
"Bye," I yelled back to her as I ran toward Rt 243 with my new Gligar flying after me.
My adventure with Pokemon had finally started.
.................
I had been romping around with my Gligar for a while when Kyle walked up to me rather calmly, which is unusual, so I was suspicious. He and his Piplup both had smug grins, which made me feel even more insecure.
"Hey Alex!" he called out, "I see you have your starter Pokemon. I've already caught two Pokemon with my Piplup! Do you even have any others?"
I shook my head.
"I knew it. I bet you couldn't catch a Pokemon if it waltzed up and fell asleep right at your feet!"
Being rather young, this shot my anger level through the roof. Gligar's did too.
"I could too!" I yelled angrily, "I'll prove it."
"Gli!" Gligar agreed.
I then charged out into the tall grass with Kyle close behind. I emerged on the other side of the patch disappointed not to have found a Pokemon to catch. Kyle rushed out nearby, running from something. The something came out after him. It looked like a sort of bipedal red duck, except it was spitting fire. As it chased my friend around, I looked it up in my Pokedex.
"Magby. The live coal Pokemon," my Pokedex said. "it is a small, tough Pokemon that can produce an extremely hot flame."
That was what I needed to know.
"Quick, Gligar! Use Slash on the Magby!" I shouted.
"Gar," Gligar acknowledged.
The powerful normal attack knocked the Magby aside, distracting it from Kyle and damaging it, but something was wrong.
"Gligar, what happened?" I asked.
"Gli!" Gligar exclaimed in agony.
"Oh no! Gligar you've been burnt! That Magby must have a Flame Body. You can still fight it, right Gligar?"
"Gli," Gligar said, trying to ignore the pain of the burn.
"Okay! Gligar, use your U-Turn!"
My pal then charged in the quick lunging of a U-Turn, but after it hit the Magby (with a quiet yelp), I noticed then that the Magby was about to use Fire Blast.
"Oh no! Gligar!" I called. "Dodge it, quick!"
It was a little late of a call. Gligar turned to the side, but was struck by some of the Magby's flaming wrath.
"GARR!!" Screeched my favorite pal as he slumped down into the slightly singed grass.
"Gligar!" I rushed over to help him, but he got up on his own. "You're okay, right?"
Gligar glared at me in a what-do-you-think sort of way.
"Gligar, this battle is done," I said, "time to throw a Pokeball!"
And so I lobbed a Pokeball at the injured Magby as it attempted to recover from Gligar's attacks. The Pokeball burst wide open seeming to swallow the weakened Pokemon the way a Swalot eats berries. It closed, and began to wobble....​

 

Claimed by the Glorious and Humble Alaskapigeon.

 

Intro: Your intro did a good job of describing the region this is set in, and it set the theme for the story. You forgot, however, to describe your main character at all. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but even just what your character is wearing can give insight into their personality. Your intro did pull me in and make me want to read more about this amazing new region, though.

Plot: You had a basic plot, but since you're trying for a simple Pokemon, it doesn't make a big diffrence. You did mix things up by creating a new region, and using a Gligar as a starter Pokemon. You had what you needed to for a simple Pokemon.

Dialogue: Your dialogue was mostly good. It helped the story flow and sounded natural. You had some problems with grammar, which I've addressed below.

Grammar:

You need to work on adding commas:

That should be:

Right here, this sentence is incorrect:

It should be attacked, not attacked on. Like this:

This sentence is also incorrect:

It should be:

Also, when you separate a sentence of dialogue with a speaking action, the first word after the break should be capitalized. Here's what you put:

It should be:

That's about it for grammar. Everything else looks good here.


Detail: You did a great job describing the Pokemon and places in your story, and an okay job describing the moves the Pokemon used, but you didn't describe any of the human characters at all. You need to put hair color, eye color, clothing, and anything else you think it is imprtant to mention. You did do a wondeful job of describing everything else though.

Length: Magby require a minimum of 5k, and you have 7.9k so you're fine.

Reality: I didn't see anything unrealistic about your story, except that at the beginning, three kids take down three full grown adults. That part could be explained by the Galactic grunts being surprised, though, so there's nothing bad here.

Personal Feelings: I liked your story. It was fun to read, and your new region sounds amazing. I hope you continue your story in this region. Other than a few grammar errors, your story is pretty good, so I'll have to say....

Outcome: Magby....captured.

Good description and grammar come with practice. The more stories you write, the better you'll be. Here's your Magby:

 

Thanks! I'd intended to put all of my stories in this region, so no problem!