the story of a ranger (pt1)

(this is my first story, so don't expect it to be very good)
(pokemon wanted: nincada)

There he was, sitting on a rock next to the gates of the ranger school, he had just graduated. "Finally, I get to work as a ranger!" he said as he got out a piece of paper "the proof of my graduation, man I'm just so happy!" he then proudly started to read the paper aloud to himself "To Rex Laeti. I, principle Lamont acknowledge your talent and grant you the title of ranger. You are going to work at the Summerland ranger base..." he stopped reading half-way through "... Wait... How will I get to Summerland... That's in the Fiore region..." Rex was worried; he didn't have much money because he spent almost all of his savings to get into the school. "... Maybe I should go see my family... It's been a while..." Rex sighed, so he sat up and started walking to veintown.

"HEY! Rex, looks like you finally finished ranger school!" Rex could tell who it was without looking "Hey Crawford." Rex said in reply, "Rex, why are you so sad? You just graduated from ranger school, you have just done what you have dreamed about doing since you were three!" said Crawford, in response Rex showed him the paper "...what so bad about this? I mean, you’re going to be working in Summerland!" said Crawford after he read the paper. "That's why I'm sad Crawford, I can't afford to go to the Fiore region, all the money I had saved up was used to get me into that school." said Rex, "...man...maybe I can help" said Crawford, after saying that he ran into the ranger base, Rex looked towards the base and walked inside.

"...so can you help him?" Crawford was talking into a telephone "...thanks!" Crawford hang up the phone with a smile on his face
"ok Rex, I just talked with a friend of mine at the ranger union, you can stay here and work in veintown until you can pay to go to Fiore."
"thanks Crawford, I guess I owe you."
"don't worry Rex, just make sure you remember to come here tomorrow."
"once again, thanks Crawford."
"really Rex, it was nothing!"
"see ya tomorrow, Crawford."
Rex walked out of the base and went back to his house.

"HEY GUYS, I'M HOME..." Rex looked around "...where are they..." then Rex noticed a post-it note on the fridge "what's this..."
the note read,
Rex, we are sorry that we aren't home; Grandpa is in the hospital so we are staying in a hotel so we can check on him.
Sorry,
your family
"well I guess I got the house to myself for a while..." Rex said to himself, so he made himself dinner, went to his room and fell asleep.

That night, Rex dreamed of the exploits of famous rangers, he wanted to be like them, he wanted to be known; he wanted to be known for his exploits as a ranger. "I'm going to do this, I'm Rex Laeti, and this is the beginning of my life as a Pokémon ranger." Rex said to myself as woke up that morning, he had been waiting for this day for a long time "look out world, here I come."

"hey Rex, guess today will be your first day working here" said Barlow "so I'll show you around." so he showed Rex the base. Rex didn't care though, he had already seen the base before, as a kid he had been friends with Crawford who had shown him the base numerous times. "... And there you go, that's the base... Oh crap, I almost forgot to give you this!" Barlow reached in his pocket and brought out a styler "this is your styler Rex; you are now officially a ranger." Rex was glowing with joy, he grabbed the styler out of Barlow's hand and Barlow said "Rex, you may be a ranger, sadly, you can't really do anything yet. I mean, I can't let you got exploring until you have a partner Pokémon, you have to wait until someone comes to give you a mission." and right after that, the door opened, it as was Kellyn's father "hello, I got a 'quest' for you guys, a bunch of nincadas and doduos are damaging my crops!" he said, "ok, I'll send Rex to help." said Barlow who was pointing at the recruit.

"Ok Rex, you know what to do, right?" asked Kellyn's father, "you got that right!" replied Rex, who ran up to the group of Pokémon and proceeded to catch almost all of the group in a few minutes, eventually, only one Pokémon was left to capture, it was a doduo with a scar going down it's left head. "Ok you deformed ostridge, let's dance!" Rex said in a very cocky tone, the doduo run right at him and knocked on him onto the ground. The doduo looked at Rex, turned around, and run into the forest. "Crap... It ran away... You guys can go to if you want." Rex said as he released the captured Pokémon, who followed the doduo that knocked down Rex. “Well, you did get them off of my farm, so I guess that’s means that you completed the mission!” said Kellyn’s father.

"Well, its day number seven, how was yesterday, Rex?" Crawford asked, six days had passed since Rex's first mission, he still didn't have a partner Pokémon, "oh, same thing as normal, saved a starly from a cranidos." Rex said, but he heard something strange, like something was pecking the door. So Rex opened the door and saw it, "hey, it's the doduo that lead the group of Pokémon I faced on my first day!" said Rex, the doduo walked up to him and looked up at him, "hey Rex, I think he wants to stay with you." said Crawford, "Is that true, little guy?" Rex asked the Pokémon, which nudged Rex's leg in reply "well I guess I finally got a partner Pokémon!" Rex said as he pet the doduo's heads. "Well I guess this will really start my adventure as a ranger!" Rex thought, as he walked home later that day, the doduo following him "...well, I think I’ll call you Bandersnatch.” Rex said to his new partner, who squeaked in reply. “Man, I can't wait till we have the money to go to Summerland, then we can finally meet our real leader!”

(I know, there wasn't much of a battle, but it's hard to put a battle in a pokemon ranger based story.)

 

Introduction:

We meet our hero while he’s still in shock at his graduation from Ranger School. His happiness abates somewhat as he realizes that he lacks the funds to get all the way to his posting; so right out of the gate, we have some tension and a problem that must be solved. The reader is now interested to see how he resolves that tension, and continues reading.

For the level, it’s a fairly strong introduction. The only thing lacking is detail about the character himself; what does he look like? What is he wearing? Does he have the standard Ranger outfit, or has he personalized his ensemble? We see what he’s doing, saying, and to an extent thinking, which helps us build the person, but we don’t get the chance to see the shell we’re filling up.

Plot:

A Pokémon Ranger isn’t the standard protagonist, so good job stepping outside the common niche. Having the story follow his mission was a nice touch, because it allowed the storyline to be finished in much shorter time than if it had been a quest. It’s also easy to see the Nincada chowing down on poor Kellyn’s father’s crops.

The transitions between the plot points were also fairly smooth; we move from the Ranger School (or really, a rock outside it) to the Ranger Union, to a farm and then back to the Union. You do a nice job of changing scenes, and you don’t leave the poor reader to go ‘wait, what?’

Dialogue:

The dialogue in the story was okay; you used punctuation and capitalization to show emphasis while speaking, but I think you could have done more to demonstrate the way things were being said. A lot of times, this can really flesh out a story, and you did a little bit of it at points:

Rex is obviously someone quite sure of himself; one might even think that he’s trying to show off in front of Kellyn’s father. Perhaps he was that cocky all through the story, but we don’t really get the chance to see that. The way people say things can be as important to the story as what they’re actually saying.

However, what they have been saying generally shows us through interactions with others how they hold those folks; the main character is friends with Crawford, but it seems Crawford is putting more energy into that friendship than Rex. Crawford goes out of his way to help the kid at least once, and Rex seems grateful, but we don’t see any reciprocation of the favor. Had Crawford been the one in trouble, would Rex have done the same for him?

Grammar:

This is the area where you have the most room for improvement. The two most common errors I saw were capitalization and comma use; on capitalization, make sure you always capitalize the first letter in a sentence, or in a quotation within the sentence, including dialogue; always capitalize proper names, such as Ranger School, (Pokémon) Ranger, Vientown. As for commas, I’m going to lift the comma usage rules from the <<How to Write Freaking Stories>> thread;

Spoiler

1. Rule 1- Use a comma after a long introductory clause or phrase.
When we saw the police officer, we flagged him down.
2. Rule 2- Use a comma - or commas if in the middle of the sentence - to set off information that may be extra and not essential to the whole meaning.
My friend, who is an award-winning author, is the mother of seven children.
3. Rule 3- Use a comma between independent clauses if they are joined by a coordinating conjunction (and, but, or, for, so, or yet). Comma should be placed before coordinating conjunction.
We always shopped on Saturdays, and we usually had brunch on Sundays.
4. Rule 4- Use a comma after a ‘because’ or ‘if’ clause begins a sentence to separate the cause and effect in the sentence. DON”T use a comma when ‘because’ or ‘if’ clause is at the end of the sentence.
Because the students studied hard, they all received “A’s” on their tests.

If we don’t buy that car today, we’ll be sorry.
5. Rule 5- Use commas to separate items in a series (more than two items).
The old man descended the stairs slowly, waited at the curb, and climbed into a taxi.
6. Rule 6- Use a comma to indicate a contrast in thought in the middle of a sentence ( not, but, instead).
Attending class regularly will help to achieve a good grade, but it won’t ensure it.
7. Rule 7- Use a comma when separating more than one adjective that equally contributes to the description of the noun (can be tested by either switching adjective order or inserting ‘and’ between adjectives and reading for flow).
The silly, funny clown entertained the crowd for hours.

The twelve angry men fought for hours. {Comma not inserted because the two adjectives work together to modify noun.}
8. Rule 8- Use commas after expressions like yes, no, or well.
Yes, I think you are a nice person.

No, I’m not trying to confuse you.

When it comes to sentence flow, a quick way of finding where a comma should be, read it out loud. Anywhere that you pause while speaking, is likely a place for a comma to be inserted; it may be reason for a semicolon if it’s connecting two ideas into one sentence.

Also, remember that you need to start a new paragraph any time someone else speaks. And paragraphs are requested to be double-spaced between them for ease of reading. For examples of these:

Spoiler

“Hey!” A voice bellowed. “Rex, looks like you finally finished Ranger School!”

Rex could tell who it was without looking. “Hey, Crawford,” Rex said in reply.

“Rex, why are you so sad? You just graduated from Ranger School, you’ve just done what you dreamed about doing since you were three!” said Crawford.

In response, Rex showed him the paper.

“What’s so bad about this? I mean, you’re going to be working in Summerland!” Crawford said, after reading the paper.

Spoiler

“So, can you help him?” Crawford was talking into a telephone. “Thanks!” Crawford hung up the phone with a smile on his face.

“Ok, Rex, I just talked with a friend of mine at the Ranger Union; you can stay here and work in Vientown until you can pay to go to Fiore.”

Detail:

This is another area that can use some improvement. You did throw in some description in places, but I would use more; describe Crawford’s rotund belly, stretching the cheerful red outfit. Talk about the crop stubble left behind the ravenous Nincada.

Also talk about more than just the character interactions. At points, it seemed like a string of events; especially with the lack of events between the Ranger and the Nincada/Doduo. Talk a little about the minor events; you blurred past the Ranger Union tour that could well have been expanded on; even though your character was used to it, you could describe his boredom as they saw the same bunks that he’d looked at as a kid. Detail is more than just adjectives; it’s anything that makes the characters, places, the whole world come alive.

Battle:

Your disclaimer:

I respectfully disagree; you couldn’t necessarily have a standard Pokémon battle, but you can have a conflict between your ranger and the Nincada. Talk about looping your Styler around them to communicate your friendship; talk about your mental focus of encouraging them to stop eating the grain and move elsewhere. Show the Doduo with the scar knocking aside the befriended Nincada; just glossing over the whole thing by saying your character captured them does your story a disservice.

Length:

Nincada, as a Simple Pokémon, needs 5-10k. You had 5660, a little on the low end, but in the range. If you put a battle in, and flesh out the detail, you can probably get that up to at least the middle, if not the high end.

Reality:

I’ve never been that hot on the Rangers in the Pokémon universe, but they’re part of the canon; the events are more or less believable. Nothing is larger than life without reason, and overall it can fit in nicely with the world.

Catching:

As a Ranger story, there are several ways you can go with it; in this case, we could say that one of the Nincada you befriended stayed with you even after the rest left, and no remark was made about it. Your story didn’t lend itself well to a shaking Pokéball, so I see that not happening.

Personal Feelings:

Overall, there aren’t many problems I had with the story; a couple things that didn’t fit in elsewhere. For example, Kellyn’s father is always Kellyn’s father, not Mr. Something, or even calling him by first name if the character is that familiar. I know that it’s never mentioned in the games, but that’s no reason to make one up.

Outcome:

I’m going to have to say:

Spoiler

Nincada Not Captured. It was a close thing, and if you go through, polish up the punctuation and capitalization, throw in some more detail, I don’t see there being a problem; just PM me when you’ve gone through it and I’ll be happy to re-grade it.

I look forward to more stories from you in the future.