The Sight {WaR 2017}

Pokemon: Duskull
Required CC: 10-20k (Medium)
Actual CC: 14,402 (according to Word)
Prompt: Action / Space / Human

The Sight​

The women approach

As footsteps echoed down the stone corridor, the Dusknoir and its brethren emerged from the darkness. A tiny pinprick of light was moving towards them, but the ghosts were still cloaked in black for now. Their enemies could not see them yet, but they knew what was waiting for them, just as the Dusknoir knew what would come next.

Never relent, do not let your guard down for a single moment, it hissed to the Duskull and Dusclops that gathered around its call. They have a duty to perform, but so do we.

Light filled the tunnel for the first time in generations, the lambent flames revealing cracks and mildew that kept the creatures company. The stone was dark, though whether the colour was natural or came from filth no one except the Dusknoir knew. The people who had carved this passage had died nearly a millennia ago, and this was the first time in centuries their descendants had seen the need to enter the great cave beneath the ocean.

The Dusknoir examined the woman who led the dozen-strong group. Her attire was different to the women that had come here in the past. She wore no thick, dark fabrics torn from the skins of different Pokémon, her costume synthetic except for the long woollen cloak that wrapped around her body. Her arms were hidden from its sight, but the Dusknoir knew what she would be holding in her hands, and smirked. It had been a long time since its last battle – it would make the most of this, however it turned out,

“Halt.” The word was whispered but it hit with a thundering crack in the silence. The women stopped several metres ahead, the flames from their torches exposing blood stains that, after centuries ignored, had sept into the foundations.

“Behind me stands the vault I have been tasked with guarding since your foremothers first built it nearly a millennia ago,” the Dusknoir hissed, its voice high and scalding to listen to. “You all know the requirement for entry. Only the worthy may pass. I will give you a moment, as is custom, to consider whether the risk is worth whatever reward you hope to discover.”

The lead woman chuckled quietly as she glanced back at her four fellows that flanked her. “We are born worthy.”

The Dusknoir nodded, having expected no less. “We shall see.” The shadow raised its hands, and the battle began.

As ghosts flew past her, trailing smoke-like dust in their wake, Tsukiko threw aside her cloak and raised the golden scythe she clutched. The Deathslayer was olderthann her, older than the Dusknoir that loomed before her. Crafted from the purest minerals in Hoenn, bound with the remnants of the first great meteor, the weapon shone even as the Duskull and Dusclops snuffed out the flames of her friends. For a moment, the Dusknoir stared at it, one golden eye shining with a sense of familiarity, and then lunged.

Tsukiko had been prepared for this. She had spent much of her free time as a child examining the records of the sole survivors from the last expedition, carefully searching through the crumbling papers to find any clues in preparation for the task that lay before her. There was always the sense of complacency around being Lorekeeper – no one had had to fulfil the final task since Helena of the Waterfalls back in 1622. Many had questioned the purpose of the role, and why Tsukiko was so intent on doing all the work, but she knew never to let her guard down, never lose faith. She was glad now that she hadn’t.

As Tsukiko slashed and dived to avoid Dusknoir’s touch, her mind flickered to the chamber that lay a few metres away. She should be terrified of what was going to happen, but this was her duty. She had been born for this, she had prepared for it. To finally remove this burden, despite the cost, was a relief she couldn’t put into words.

“You fight well, Lorekeeper,” the Dusknoir hissed as it lunged for her throat, forcing Tuskiko to bring the scythe handle in front of her for protection. The giant grey hand pushed against the weapon, and Tsukiko gagged as her head hit the wall, suddenly trapped between stone and metal. “I hope you live so that your daughter is not orphaned for nothing.”

Tsukiko glared at the ghost, rage running through her. “How dare you speak of my child.” She shoved her feet against the wall and pushed with all her might. The Dusknoir was strong and gripped onto the scythe, but Tsukiko had hoped for that: as her body stretched out, she tightened her grip so all her weight rested on the handle. When her knees had straightened, she loosened her hold on the wall and swung, kicking upwards. The Dusknoir screeched as she kicked it in what should be its stomach; its grip loosened, and Tsukiko swung the scythe around, hitting it in the face with the flat side and pushing it into the shadows.

Now was her moment, but before she could move, a scream like nails down a chalkboard broke through her mental barriers. Tsukiko couldn’t ignore the unending pain caught up in the cry; she turned and felt her heart freeze at the figure writhing before her. Marguiette lay on the floor, her body shaking but her limbs helpless to fight off the Duskull that swarmed over here. The ghosts blurred together into one dark cloud, only their golden eyes visible as they ate away at her essence.

“No,” Tsukiko whispered. She raised her scythe and lunged towards them, but was stopped in her path. She was able to turn and see Dusknoir had its hands on her weapon a second before the beast flung her into the wall. She grunted as her face hit stone, her nose exploding in pain and blood, and she slumped to the floor.

“You brought someone of weak spirit into this sacred place – what does that say about you as their leader?” The Dusknoir began to descend, and Tsukiko gasped as the temperature dropped further, a frozen band seeming to form around her lungs. “I can see your thoughts, you cannot hide anything from me. I see your kindness, your willingness to do what is nice above what is right. You had no right to bring that woman here, and your dismay at her death shows your flaws. You are not prepared to leave these women behind, to leave your daughter, your family. You are not worthy.”

Tsukiko winced as those four words hit her, cutting her like knives. She struggled to raise herself, her breathe leaving her, and could only watch as Dusknoir got nearer and nearer. The ghost began to stretch back, and Tsukiko knew what was coming next: the mouth-like gash across its stomach opened, yet there were no organs, no blood or guts. A giant black hole appeared, darker than any shadow Tsukiko had ever seen. She might have screamed if her body had not frozen. She could hear nothing except her own heartbeat, which beat harder and faster as the gaping nothingness reached out for her.

If I die now, I die for nothing. Zinnia will be orphaned for nothing. Zinnia… she will have to do this in my stead… no… she cannot…

“I care,” Tsukiko said, forcing the words out of her mouth. “That may make me weak, but caring is that only thing that makes me strong.” And with every ounce of energy in her body, she gripped the scythe’s handle and jabbed upwards. The meteorite tip plunged into the hole, and the Dusknoir screamed as it thrashed mid-air, consumed with pain. The scream was unlike anything Tsukiko could possibly imagine, something dark and inhuman, a sound that seemed as though it had been there all along but only now she could hear it.

There was a golden flash that lit up the tunnel followed immediately by a dust-muffled thud, and suddenly the ghosts were gone. Tsukiko didn’t notice it at first, her body still in shock, but finally she lowered her arm, the scythe hit the stone floor with a slight ring, and she breathed out.

“Lorekeeper, are you alright?” Someone grabbed her by the arms, but with the fire out Tsukiko could not see their face. She grabbed their shoulders, feeling hard muscle, and assumed it was Olga.

“I am fine. Marguiette… someone must take her back.”

“Of course, Lorekeeper, but we must rest first –”

“No! It must be done now.” Without hesitation, Tsukiko gripped onto Olga’s hands and lead her down the passage. She did not say goodbye to Beatrice or Aroha, knowing it would only make the next few minutes that much harder. Instead, she thought only of her daughter and why she was doing this as she walked the last few metres of her life.

A small beam of light appeared in the distance, and Tsukiko hurried her pace as it got bigger, an oblong passageway slowly becoming visible. The rough stone smoothed out the further she walked, replaced by large black bricks that shone where the mortar should be.

Finally and without warning, Tsukiko entered the chamber. After the cramped confines of the tunnel, the openness of the tower was a welcome relief. She paused in the passageway, breathing in the fresh air and letting her eyes adjust.

Moonlight poured in from an opening where the roof should be, the space sized so that the moon was centred exactly, reminding Tsukiko of a telescope. She stood in the only entrance, the other walls smooth and unbroken except for the strange patterns that snaked along the bricks all the way to the top. The design was geometrical, neat and well-structured, almost ignorant of the many centuries that had passed since this place had been constructed. Tsukiko wanted to take longer to examine the circles and ovals attached by rigidly straight lines, but she could see the moon was nearly in position, the radiant orb only slightly off centre: it was now or never.

Tsukiko knew exactly what to do. She moved into the centre of the chamber, briefly casting her eyes over the pattern on the floor. She had been studying it for years, and it was strange to finally see it in the flesh, exactly like the drawings of her foremothers: four circles, arranged as though corners of a square, each side connected by a pair of right angle lines like arrows pointing to the centre of the room.

It was here that Tsukiko stood. The pattern flashed green for barely a second. Tsukiko heard Olga jump in the shadows of the tunnel, but she had been prepared for this and ignored the light as she sank to her knees. She withdrew two items from her hips. One was a jagged meteorite, the same size as a rolling pin and roughly the same shape, though its surface was uneven and jagged; the other was a long blade set in a wooden handle, again unmarked by the ravages of time.

Tsukiko tilted her head back so she could see the top of the tower and found the moon awaiting her, staring back at her like the eye of a blind, distant giant. The tower seemed to glow anew, and Tsukiko knew now was the moment. She shut her eyes for a second, letting her mind contemplate her life, her legacy, her family, her daughter. She was making the ultimate sacrifice – who outside her circle would know what she had done here today? Would it even be worth it, could there be a chance the elders had read the stars wrong?

I won’t know unless I do this. Forgive me, Zinnia; we will meet again in the afterlife.

Tsukiko raised the blade and thrust it into her chest. The pain was piercing and all consuming, and she gasped breathlessly, afraid her body might shut down before she could carry on. She pulled the knife out and felt damp warmth spread down her chest, but she refused to look at her bleeding chest. She gripped the meteorite tighter, as her left arm was already going numb, and rested it against the wound.

“In the name of my foremothers, and for the good of my descendants, I, Tsukiko of the Draconids, give my life. Sky-Father, I beg you take this sacrifice and grant me the Sight.” She was starting to feel dizzy, her vision blurring, and Tsukiko moved quickly, shaking the blood-strewn rock over each of the circles. They pulsated individually as they received their token, and once the fourth had been touched, the whole tower exploded with light. Tsukiko savoured the green, luminescent glow for a moment before shutting her eyes, needing the last of her energy.

“Sky-Father, show me what is hidden beyond the stars. Sky-Father, I beg you give me passage to your domain. Sky-Father, I ask you do this in the name of all those who have even bled in your name and all those who will follow me. Sky-Father, give me the Sight.”

The glow got stronger and brighter, burning through her eyelids. Tsukiko moaned as she dropped the knife and used both hands to hold the meteorite to her chest, and tensed as her whole body vibrated, her mind and soul moving in separate directions as her human vessel crawled closer and closer to death.

Then the light was gone, and Tsukiko heard only silence. Had it worked? Did she have the Sight? There was only one way to find out, but in this moment, for the first time, Tsukiko was afraid; would she see what she was meant to see? Did she want to see it, did she want to confirm their greatest fears? Tsukiko remembered her daughter, reminded herself why she was doing this, and forced her eyes open.

She was floating in outer space. There was no tower, no tunnel, no glowing lights, just… infinity. She was untethered, with nothing around her for lightyears, open nothingness that was still more beautiful than any physical thing Tsukiko had ever seen. She looked down and saw only a thin haze where her body should be, her skin and clothes transparent, a dull shadow over the stars.

Everything was black but there was still light. Stars, dozens, hundreds, thousands, they seemed to surround her even though there were too far away for her to imagine. Tsukiko knew she would see only one clearly, and when she turned, there was the sun; it was barely a pinprick, a big, bright dot splashed across a dark background, but it still dwarfed everything around it. Tsukiko could see what she assumed was Earth, but it was too far away to make out the colours.

There was one planet near her, huge despite the distance between her and it, but it merely looked like a giant circle hidden by shadow. Yet it was one of the most awe-inspiring things she had ever seen in her life. Was it Mars, Jupiter, Mercury, or even some lowly moon – it was strange to be asking herself these questions.

Is this really space? Tsukiko refused to believe this was real. It was what she had been preparing for every day of her life, the possibility her soul would one day float amongst the stars, but this felt too familiar, like she had simply retrieved a memory of what space was meant to look like. She felt as though she was in a house she had seen only in photographs, and now she was inside it was familiar but utterly different.

She looked upwards, and what little breathe her physical self had left was taken. There were other systems around her, scatterings of stars and planets that looked like gashes through the darkness. They shone with different colours, illuminated purples and noxious yellows and blues and greens that reminded Tsukiko of bruises, yet these were works of art, painted smear of some higher power.

This is worth it. This is the last thing I’ll ever see, and it is worth it. Tsukiko stretched her limbs out and just let herself be for a moment, basking in all that this was. Nothing would make up for her sacrifice, nothing could heal the hurt she felt for leaving her daughter behind, nothing would silence the voice at the back of her head asking what the next fifty years of her life could have been. But this, this was an experience few could ever possibly have, and she felt blessed that the Sky-Father had chosen her for this.

Something moved, and Tsukiko looked up and screamed.

Her body trembled; she could feel weight again, the pressure of gravity, hands on her arms, blood on her chest. Yet she was still absent, her soul not ready to let go just yet. But Tsukiko wanted to go, she wanted to escape, she had to before this giant, hideous rock could hit her. It was coming, floating right for her, and Tsukiko could not stop screaming as she saw it, basking in the distant light of the sun, shadows making it leer as it spun determinedly on its course.

“The asteroid… the asteroid… they were right, they were right.” Tsukiko wondered if there was any other life out here, if it could hear her screaming, but no one came to help her, and she was left helplessly watching as the clump of rock got nearer and nearer.

“Tsukiko, Tsukiko, what do you see? Tsukiko, what is it? What can you see?”

Her strength had left her. Her eyelids were heavy, her body was limp, her chest aching still. Tsukiko knew this was her last moment alive, and with the only bit of energy she had left, she fumbled in the darkness of space until she felt Olga’s arm near her, and she gripped it tightly, her eyes still on the asteroid, her mind back with her daughter, her poor daughter she was abandoning to the mercy of nature. I am sorry, Zinnia, I am so terribly sorry.

“I… see… death…”

***​

Somewhere on the outskirts of the galaxy, on the tallest peak on the largest moon of the only planet left orbiting a dying sun, surrounded by the deepest darkness known only to a few of the gods, someone heard her scream. A pair of tired eyes opened and turned, staring through the darkness, gazing across the lightyears and past solar systems, looking out towards Earth.

It had been a long time since Deoxys had left this place. It had been longer still since it had last been to that part of the galaxy. It had hoped never to return there again. Yet the scream… it was a scream only it could hear, and it was a scream it could not ignore.

Creator, forgive me, Deoxys whispered, and it jumped off into space, unable to ignore its destiny any longer.



{I blame @Elysia for this}

 

Alright, I'm a little rusty, but I'll take a swing at this. Advance apologies if this takes a while. Claiming.

 

First off, unless I’m mistaken, this is your first story in the URPG! Based on your posts in the Writing section of Bulbagarden and this story as a whole, I’m guessing this isn’t your first time in the writing rodeo. Welcome, and I hope to see more of you for sure.

Introduction.
This story definitely starts out strong, with the tension that permeates the story becoming apparent right from the start. Having the Dusknoir's narration lead with the word "enemies", as well as its speech to the other ghosts present, tells the reader immediately that there’s conflict brewing on the horizon. This tension continues as you warm the reader up, letting us getting immersed with descriptions of the blood-stained cave and of Tsukiko before you dive right into the big fight scene. You clearly establish who the characters are and where they are, and give the reader plenty of time to get grounded without slowing down so much that the reader gets bored. The characters clearly have a reason to be where they are. Tsukiko and her band want to get by the Dusknoir and its line and the latter are your archetypical threshold guardians, though you hold back on identifying the prize they’re seeking and guarding respectively, which is fine - you don’t have to give the reader everything at once, or else they’d have no reason to keep on reading!

That said, I was a bit thrown by one of your descriptors. Given that it’s been centuries since anyone has come into this cave, Dusknoir’s description of “synthetic costume” is confusing, as Dusknoir seems like it should have no way of knowing what synthetic clothing would look like. While this phrasing is a minor detail, it detracts somewhat from the ancient, mysterious air that the Dusknoir has had until now. I would also consider adding a little more physical description for Tsukiko and her posse - after the slow-burning description you’ve lavished on the cave itself, it would be nice to get just a few adjectives for the women so that we can picture our human characters a bit more clearly, rather than just knowing that they’re women led by a woman in a wool cloak. While you scattered good descriptions of Dusknoir throughout Tsukiko’s narration, I also feel like you could have added just a little bit of detail on the Pokemon whenever we first “meet” it and the story properly switches to Tsukiko's POV. Overall, very good setup in terms of tone; just a few minor details that could stand to be tweaked.

Plot/Story.
I really enjoyed reading this story; from beginning to end, the flow was good, and there was a satisfying rise-fall within it. The ending hits heavily, but given that the rest of the story has been a crescendo leading up to Tsukiko’s vision and her sacrifice, I feel like ending her story on such a big note was the right way to go. Her emotions were also on point - when Dusknoir trapped her, I could feel her fear; when she stabbed Dusknoir, I could feel her resolve. The contrast between her anxiety that she was doing the wrong thing or that she could die before she reached her goal, and her relentless drive to see her mission through to the end and gain the Sight was extremely well-written. However, I feel like you could possibly have added throughout a bit more information on Tsukiko’s reasons for seeking the Sight.

The timing of this line was kind of confusing for me, since at this point, we have no idea why getting to the end goal is so important that Tsukiko is willing to die and leave her daughter behind; we only know that it is. This seems like a lead-in to Tsukiko reflecting on her purpose for being here, but instead, it's just there, which can leave the reader feeling like they might have missed something really important. We don’t get the explanation until the very end, where Tsukiko mentions the possibility of the seers being wrong, only to point out that they were right when she sees the meteor coming. While you definitely don’t have to spoon-feed every detail of your story to the readers and you got the breadth of the danger and commitment involved across very well, I feel like adding just a little more detail - perhaps a memory of the seers saying that they saw destruction coming, or one of Tsukiko’s companions saying something about what they think/hope Tsukiko might see or not see.

I’m left with a few questions, after the fact. First, exactly how many humans are around? You mention that Tsukiko’s group consists of a dozen, as well as Tsukiko herself, but then you mention that there are four beside her, and you only name four - Beatrice, Marguiette, Aroha, and Olga. While you don’t need to name every single character who appears, especially if they’re just there for flavor/beating up mooks, going from indicating a dozen people to only acknowledging the existence of four is a little jarring. I also question what the bit from Deoxys’s POV at the end adds to the story - it’s interesting to read, but it doesn’t do much for the story itself, which had already ended strongly with Tsukiko fulfilling her goal and reaching closure, even if that closure also ended with her death. Unless I'm mistaken, this is a prequel to the Delta Episode, and Deoxys is involved in the Delta Episode, so I can see why you tried to tie it in. However, I feel like it wasn’t relevant to your story. Sometimes less is more; it could have been better if Deoxys were left out of the story entirely. Incorporating it more directly with Tsukiko's vision rather than just having it witness the vision, or adding an explanation as to why it's doing something that it feels the need to beg forgiveness from its creator for, would also be perfectly viable options.

Style.
Not a whole lot to say here; I’ve said my piece about adding more physical descriptors, and the descriptions that you do have - the entry into the cave, and those on the more emotionally-focused parts of the story - are good. The fight scene was pretty satisfying, and Marguiette’s gruesome attack really hammered in the fact that the Ghost-types are playing for keeps. Most of all, I loved the space sequence. That was where you really let loose with your descriptions, describing all of the strange and wonderful things that Tsukiko sees. Reading it was just plain awesome, and immensely satisfying from both a narrative perspective of seeing Tsukiko reach her goal and a reader’s perspective of reading about such pretty and poetic things.

Grammar.
I did notice a couple of grammar errors, though most of them seem to be typos rather than usage issues. Your first sentence lacks a period, and

should end in a period as well. This phrase

could use a bit of TLC, too. A quick proofread or two, and your grammar should be right as rain.

Length.
I’m getting 17,518 characters (sans the title), here. My guess is that your character count didn’t include spaces, since I’m getting 14,400 from my character counter with the exclusion of spaces. Just so you know, when you’re writing for the URPG, spaces are included in your character count. Either way, though, you’re well within the character requirements for a Medium ‘mon.

WaR Prompt.
Action: This story is no Die Hard, but I think it works better for it. You don’t stick extremely close to the genre, but the big fight in the middle is brief but very eventful, and the fast pace of the story’s middle fits the spirit of the genre. If you wanted to put a bit more action in your story, I’d suggest adding some fights with the lesser ghosts before Tsukiko gets to the “final boss” that is Dusknoir.
Space: Full disclosure - I skimmed this before I read it to properly grade it, and I was at first really confused when I saw that your prompt was “space” because this isn’t in space, what gives? However, when I took more than three seconds to read the story itself, I saw what you were doing and I have to say that it was pretty clever. The last part of your story definitely fits the setting. Unfortunately, I do have to dock you some credit here because space didn’t become the setting until very far in and didn’t stay for long, but it’s mitigated by your creativity at working the setting in.
Human: I would say that this is definitely met. You have a couple of shifts to and from Pokemon POVs, but Tsukiko is quite clearly the protagonist of this tale.

Conclusion.
Okay, now, before I give my grade, I have one last thing to raise because it didn’t fit any of the other sections. This didn’t hurt your narrative in any way, but it did hurt the URPG writing aspect of it: while you were aiming for a Duskull, and a couple of Duskull appeared in the story, the Duskull were simply not prominent. While the Dusknoir was undoubtedly central to your story, Duskull was the Pokemon you were aiming for, and it wasn’t relevant, to the point where the story could have had no Duskull in it and been almost completely unchanged. Because of this, I’m going to have to say Duskull not yet captured, and with it, WaR prize not yet awarded. All told, you had a pretty strong story here. You could stand to tweak the story so that space is more prominent in terms of setting, as well as tightening up your grammar and descriptions, but the most important thing here is making a Duskull relevant to the story. The Duskull doesn’t have to be your new protagonist or anything, but it does need to have a decent amount of screentime and relevance to the plot. Without a Duskull being relevant to the story, I can’t give it to you no matter how good the story is.

However, I do believe that you can definitely pull this off. As I said, the story itself is good, and you’ve definitely got an extremely solid foundation to start from. Ping me whenever you’ve revised this story, and I’ll be happy to re-grade it for you.