The Sheep (comments accepted)

Pokemon: Marreep(Simple)
EDIT: Characters(with spaces, as that is how it says in All The Pokemon We Don't Hate): 6787
EDIT 2: Don't think I tried to catch the Trapinch in the story. He was my starter, I just created a backstory for finding him, then I had the pokeball given to me by the people here.
EDIT 3: Comments on the piece now accepted while I wait for this to be graded. I want critiscism before I start my next piece. Also, please state what level you think I should be writing pieces at.


Master woke up to a bright day. He was ready to begin his adventure with his pokemon.

Last week was Master's 14th birthday. For his birthday, his parents had finally gotten him what he had always wanted. A bike. Not just any bike. A specific bike. Master's bike had to be Blue, his favorite color. The bike also had to be built for speed, and have durability. Master wanted this very specific bike, so that he could ride across the entire region. He wanted to go out and find himself a nice pokemon to call his own. Since Master lived in the Survival Area of Sinnoh, there was no Pokemon Professor near, so he could not get a nice pokemon from him. But Master wanted to get his own pokemon, and start his own adventure. When he got his bike, Master was going to ride around to find a wild pokemon, then take it with him to the docks, and sail away to his own adventure.

Then his birthday came along. When Master woke up the next morning, he found himself with a new Bike. He thanked his parents and immediately rushed off. While rushing off, Master found himself in the desert. As he rushed along, he found something lying on the ground. A Trapinch. It had recently been in a battle with a trainer, but the trainer had fought it just for fun, and didn't care after the Trapinch had gotten hurt. He picked it up off the path, and immediately rushed it to the Resort Area, where Nurse Joy had healed it. When Master tried to let it go back into the wild, the pokemon had stayed. Master realized he had found his first pokemon.

For the past week, Master had trained and befriended his trapinch, until he was sure he and trapinch worked together perfectly. He had went to bed, excited to begin his adventure, excited to meet new trainers, excited to catch more pokemon, and excited to watch his best budy trapinch evolve.

After waking up, Master had picked up trapinch (he still hadn't officially started his adventure, so he didn't have a pokeball for it), said goodbye to his parents, and had ridden his bike off to the Fight area.

Upon arriving at the Fight area, Master had found the Boat for beginning trainers, which would take him to all the needed places to get his adventure started. Once on the boat, Master recieved his Pokedex, some funds to start his adventure, and, since he already had his pokemon, a pokeball for it.

The boat had sailed across the sinnoh region, and Master had seen all the wonderful places there were. He saw gigantic mountains, a temple surrounded by snow, a giant lighthouse, and much more. When the boat finally stopped, it stopped in Canclave city. The staff of the boat told all the trainers to pick one of the boats, and sail away to a different region, or go off into sinnoh. Master looked into his pokedex, and found some cool pokemon all around one general area. After asking where they were, he found put they were all in the region called "Johto". Master had sailed away for the region, determined to find his own pokemon.

The journey across the sea had been long, but he met other aspiring trainers along the way. He had met trainers with all kinds of pokemon, all who were extremely proud of their pokemon. He also made some friends, and he and his friends had promissed to always stick together.

When the boat arrived, in Olivine City,as the map said, Master and his friends had stuck together for a little while longer. Together, they ventured north, east, and south, finding many new pokemon, and catching a few. By the time the group had arrived in Goldenrod City, Master was the only one out of the group that had not been able to catch a pokemon. But he didn't mind. He had been preparing, wanting his first pokemon to be special.

After the group had bought Pokegears at the department store, and added each other, they decided to go their seperate ways. A few of Master's friends went South, to start battling the eaier Gym leaders, while a few others went North to train a bit more. Master himself decided to go and explore first. And so, the group of friends went their seperate ways, determined to eventually meet back up at the Johto Pokemon League, as stronger trainers.

Master traveled with soe of his friends up north again, until they came to Ecruteak City, where the path branched off. Master decided to head off to the East, while his friends headed off to the west. Finally, Master was all alone.

As Master traveled farther East, he found some neat pokemon, but none that caught his interest. He eventually reached the farthest East he could go, and he didn't want to go back down until he had found and caught his first pokemon. So, Master turned around, hoping to find something in the west part.

As Master went back, he was almost run over by a Blue blur, which lookd like some kind of beast. After he saw it running away, another trainer, who called himself Eusine, who asked him if he had seen such a creature. After Master had pointed out the dirrection the creature had run away in, the Mysterious trainer had run away, chasing after the Beast, which he called Suicune. Master then wondered if he would ever find Suicune again, but quickly started traveling again.

As Master neared Ecruteak city again, a wild pokemon suddenly attacked him. It was a yellow and blue sheep. When Master checked his pokedex, he found out the pokemonwas called Mareep, an Electric type pokemon. He realized this would make a perfect pokemon, since it would help fight back the weaknesses of his Trapinch very well. So, Master sent out his Trapinch, for his first battle for a pokemon.

Master knew this fight couldn't be that hard, since his Trapinch clearly had the advantage. As soon as Trapinch was sent out, Master launched straight into a bite attack, which the Mareep avoided. The Mareep tried a Thundershock on Trapinch, but, since Trapinch was a ground type, it did nothing.

The Mareep then went into a Tackle attack, which Trapinch avoided, and then landed a clean Bite on the Mareep's tail. The Mareep then went into a signal beam, which landed a nice hit onto Trapinch.

Trapinch then Dug itself a hole underground, avoiding another Signal Beam. The Mareep, clearly confused, fired off several Signal Beams, all of which went no where. Finally, Trapinch came up with a dig from right below the Mareep, then attacked with a Bite.

Finally, Trapinch went in for one last Dig, which hit its target clean. But, from the attack, Trapinch had become Paralyzed by the Mareeps Static.

Master realized this was his last chance. If the Mareep got back up, Trapinch was done for. Master reached into his poket, and pulled out a pokeball. He threw it at the Mareep, and watched as the ball rolled back and forth, the light blinking. Master waited to see if it would stop, and if he would have his first pokemon.

 

Claimed as mine. Rawr.

 

Intro: Your intro is pretty good. You start with a kid who is excited for his birthday so that he can begin his Pokemon journey. You also did a good job of describing the bike. One thing you forgot to do, was describe your main character. Everyone forgets this, but it's a big deal. Even just a physical description can give you loads of info about their personality. You did go into some depth about Master's personality, but it would be nice to know what he looked like.

Plot: Master goes on his journey across Sinnoh and into Johto, where he finds a Mareep and captures it. Not very original, but you don't need some huge, dramatic, story for a Mareep. Over all, your plot is fine.

Dialogue: You don't have any dialogue in your story, which is okay for a short story like this, but I can't really give you a grade on this section.

Grammar:Your grammar is okay. Just a few capitalization errors, typos, and a few misspelled words. Remember, all Pokemon names should be capitalized, as well as the word Pokemon. Pokeball is optional to capitalize. Also, all region names should be capitalized. So sinnoh, should be Sinnoh. You also capitalized some directions (e.g. west, east, south, and north). Directions are lowercase. You also misspelled separate as seperate. One other error, was you capitalized bike, but I'm guessing that was just a typo. Over all though, your grammar was fine.

Detail: You never really give any detail throughout the entire story. The only thing you really described was the bike that Master got. You never tell me what Master looks like, what any Pokemon look like, or what all the places Master went looked like. Even though most people on this site have a general idea of what each Pokemon looks like, you should write as though you're describing Pokemon to someone whose never seen them before. There are now 493 Pokemon and counting, so it's getting harder for people to remember exactly what each Pokemon looks like. Try to include more detail in future stories, mmmkay?

Length: Mareep is a simple Pokemon that requires a minimum length of 5k. You have 6.7k, so you're fine.

Reality: The only part of your story that seemed unrealistic to me, was that Master journeyed across an entire region, and didn't catch any Pokemon until he found that Mareep. Aside from that, everything made sense.

Personal Feelings: I thought your story was fine, and it's definitely deserving of a simple Pokemon, so...

Outcome: Mareep...captured.

In future stories, please try to add more detail. The grammatical errors I pointed out will get easier to prevent as you get more practice. Have fun with your new Mareep.