The Pointed-Nose Kricketot

This is the first story I’ve done, so if I’m doing anything wrong please let me know!
Target Pokemon: Kricketot
Rank: Easiest
CC Target: 3k - 5k characters
CC: 6103


It was a crisp afternoon by the bay in Pastoria City where two brother Kricketot and their mother - a Kricketune - sat in wait for the father of the family, a Yanmega. The sun was beating down with a heat that would burn an Infernape, but this did not demotivate the two young Kricketot. The brothers were collecting water for the family through empty Hyper Potion bottles that they had found in a nearby trash can, wishing that they had been actual Hyper Potions. These two brothers looked identical, that is, if you were looking from afar. If you were to approach the pair, you would notice that one of the brothers - the eldest - had a slightly pointed nose. This was not common among Kricketot, who commonly had perfectly round noses. Actually, not only was this uncommon, this was the only known case of it. This pointed nose, despite it looking like a flaw on the surface, actually made this Kricketot very special, little did he or his family know.


As the sun began to decline under the horizon, the brothers’ mother, Kricketune, called them in, as their father would be home soon. It was always an event when Yanmega would come home from his berry picking, as he would go out to do so once a month, and be gone for almost a week. The three gathered around the front door in anticipation for Yanmega. The two boys had always looked up to him, he was bold and brave, yet jolly, relaxed, and even sometimes quiet. So many characteristics packed into one Pokémon was rarely seen, and thus the boys - and Kricketune - looked up to him in a way they looked up to nobody else. Suddenly there was the sound of feet and a knock at the door. Why would Yanmega be walking? Have his wings been damaged? Kricketune quickly jumped up and dashed over to the door, swinging it open with all her might. What she saw at the door was not what she or the boys had expected. It was not Yanmega. But there stood a large blue figure, covered in a dark brown cloak with a hood that covered its face.


This was odd, as the family had never seen a Pokémon wearing clothing before. They had thought it was only accessible to humans. Could this be a human? The character stepped into the house, and pulled back its hood, revealing its identity. It was a Toxicroak. The family was surprised, they had thought that Toxicroak had gone extinct since the human group that call themselves Team Galactic eliminated them all. The Toxicroak looked at the family, and set his eyes on the eldest Kricketot for a while, then turned to Kricketune. The Toxicroak spoke about Kricketot’s pointed nose, and informed the family that there are no other Kricketot with a similar nose. This was news to the family, as they had never ventured outside of Pastoria City to see any other Kricketot. The Toxicroak then revealed to Kricketune that her first son was in fact not her son. The mother was clearly outraged at this claim, and pointed out that she had laid his egg and seen him hatch from it right before her eyes. Toxicroak - who has amazingly stayed very calm this whole time - states that this is because Kricketot is the biological son of the great Zapdos. A look of shock then spread across the entire family.


Toxicroak explains that this is the reason for Kricketot’s pointed nose, so there would be a way to tell his son apart from other Pokémon. After a long pause, the family clearly in awe at what just happened, Kricketune then asked how it was that she gave birth to Kricketot. Toxicroak explains that Zapdos has great power, more power than almost any other Pokémon in existence, second only to Arceus, and that Zapdos was able to send Kricketot’s spirit to you. He explains how Zapdos knew that an outstanding father figure in Yanmega and a loving caring mother like Kricketune, would be the perfect family to send Kricketot to. He reveals that the life of Zapdos is a very rugged and tough one, much too arduous for a young one to handle, but that Zapdos now believes Kricketot is ready. Kricketune asks Toxicroak exactly what that means, and Toxicroak quickly replies that Zapdos wishes to train Kricketot, and that Kricketot has the potential to possibly be even more powerful than he. Toxicroak then reluctantly breaks the news that Kricketot would have to go away for quite a long time, but he will return, as Zapdos does not wish to keep him away from the Pokémon he knows as his mother. Before Kricketune can say her answer, Yanmega bursts through the door with a jolly look on his face. This face quickly turns serious when he sees the scene unfolding in his home. Toxicroak explains to him everything that had happened up to this point and Yanmega says he has one question. He then turns to the eldest Kricketot and asks him if he would like to go. Kricketot pauses, and then nods. Yanmega then looks at Kricketune who nods as well. Yanmega then tells Toxicroak he has their blessing. Toxicroak then once again has to break the news that there is a storm coming in the morning, and that he and Kricketune must leave now in order to not find themselves in the middle of it. The parents hesitantly say this is fine.


Kricketot then says goodbye to his family, starting with his brother, and as brothers do, they playfully insult each other until getting serious and saying their goodbyes. Kricketot then approaches his mother, who surprisingly has a smile on her face, as she knows this is best for Kricketot. He then approaches his father. Kricketot tells his dad that he’ll miss him, and something surprising happens. A tear drips down the face of Yanmega. Kricketot, Kricketune, and in fact, nobody, had ever seen Yanmega cry. The single tear turns to multiple as Yanmega begins to sob. Through his tears Yanmega utters the word goodbye. Kricketot then leans in to speak in his father’s ear, and in a soothing yet bold voice, Kricketot says something he and his father have never said to each other:


“I love you, Dad.”


Kricketot then leaves with Toxicroak. Yanmega, pressed against the door, wipes the tears from his face. On the other side of that same door, a single tear rolls down the face of Kricketot.

 

Yeeps, this has been waiting a lot! I'll snag.

 

Hey hey! Sorry for the wait with this one, so let’s just jump right in!


BEGINNING THINGS
So, something that’s really important when it comes to storytelling is how your story begins. Obviously, the rest of the story is super important, but you want to make sure that, by the end of the first few sentences, readers 1) can kind of figure out what your story is about and 2) are interested in seeing where things will go. That’s a lot of burden to put on a few sentences, so this is definitely an area that you want to invest a lot of time into. With this in mind, let’s take a look at the first three sentences:

One of the things that I think you did really well here was tell the readers what your story was going to be about. Main characters? Check. Setting? Check. What the rest of the story might be about? I couldn’t quote the last half of the paragraph with the pointed-nose because this quote was quite long, but check.

However, while you set the stage well, your introduction also has another, very important role: you’ve got to make the reader interested in the rest of your story—this is called a hook. How to hook a reader? There are a couple of good techniques, and it’s really your call. You might start off with an interesting bit of dialogue, or a funny sentence that you think sounds nice, or some crazy action happening. Really, anything goes, so long as it’s got what it takes to catch the reader’s eyes and keep them reading! In this case, the description of the weather, Kricketune, Kricketune’s family… these are all really good details to have later on, but they aren’t exactly the most attention-snatching. Try to focus on having a really jam-packed introduction—kind of like a condensed version of all the awesomeness later in your story—to keep things exciting from the beginning!


GENERAL CHARACTER/PLOTTY THINGS
Wow, so this definitely feels like the start of an epic journey in the making! Our brave protagonist thinks he’s a perfectly normal guy, but no, there’s something great in store for him! While this particular installation may not have been super long or gung-ho on the action (which is totally okay, and more on that in a sec), it made for some really solid set-up and it introduced your characters and premise for something awesome!

However, what’s really important to the center of a plot, however, is the characters that drive it. Good works of fiction aren’t really driven by these surface happenings like buildings exploding or people opening doors; rather, we enjoy them because of the people (or Pokémon!) who are experiencing these events. Imagine that you watch a movie. There’s a lot going on—there’s all of the things exploding on the surface, but there’s also smaller details, like who the protagonist is as a person, and how their character interacts with the events of a lot. As you’re watching the movie, you become aware of all of these nuances, and the character on the screen feels real to you as a result.

Now imagine that, after watching the movie, you go home and read the Wikipedia summary of the movie. The surface details are still there, but you lose out on a lot of the smaller things—you can’t really get a grasp for the protagonist through the Wikipedia summary, and reading the summary makes the character feel a lot less real than watching the movie did.

Why’s that? Again, the movie takes some time to focus on the characters, and I’d recommend that you do the same in your storytelling as well. Instead of just telling us what happens, talk about why it happens, and what the results of these things are. Start with your protagonist: we know that he has a pointy nose, that he loves his family, and that he’s actually the son of a Zapdos, but what else? Is he happy a lot? Sad? Don’t be afraid to tell us more than just the summary of your plot. Kricketot loves his father? Sure, but maybe give us a few scenes of them having a great time together so that we can feel upset when they have to part ways. Kricketot learns about his secret heritage? That’s cool, but how does he feel about it, and what does that mean for him in the future?

This sounds hard to do, and it is, so don’t panic if it takes a lot of thinking or a lot of words to convey. However, it’s also really important to do—fill in those gaps and make us care about your characters!


DESCRIPTIONY THINGS
One thing that ties in with the above notes about developing your characters: don’t be afraid to describe the scene a bit more. Aside from Kricketot’s pointy nose, I really don’t know much about him, which makes it pretty hard to relate to him or his story. What does he look like? What does he think the day smells like when it’s super hot outside? How does he feel when a stranger knocks on his door and tells him that he’s actually a Legendary Pokémon in disguise? While you may have a really good idea of what’s going on in your mind, the readers don’t have this advantage, and you’ll need to convey the scene to us through your descriptions.

I’d step back and imagine what’s going on in each scene as you move through your story. What does everything look like? That’s always a good place to start—describing shapes, colors, and general actions for each character as the plot unfolds. Maybe Kricketune is nervous during the whole conversation, so she paces up and down a lot. Maybe Kricketot is so excited for what’s happening that he jumps up and down, and the floorboards of their house squeak. You can start expanding these descriptions to cover the rest of the senses as well—sounds, smells, and touch are also important aspects for how to set a scene.

Sometimes, you do this really well! How hot is the day?

Yeah, that’s pretty hot, and that’s a really clever way to say it.

For some of the other things, though—people’s reactions to Toxicroak telling them that Kricketot is actually the son of Zapdos, for example, or even what the house/town/characters really look like—you could definitely give the descriptions a little more love! Don’t be afraid to use words to convey things beyond just the plot: talking about what’s going on in the background is almost as important as talking about the events that are happening.


GRAMMARY THINGS
In terms of raw grammar, you’ve got this section covered pretty well! I didn’t notice any glaring typos, but you do switch tenses about halfway through the story (the first part is told in past tense, and the second part in present tense), and I’m not quite sure why you did that.

As you progress past the basic mechanics of writing, you’ll find that things get a lot less set-in-stone and a lot more this-is-what-I-think-works. For instance, paragraphs: you typically start a new paragraph when something new happens. This could be if someone else is speaking in a dialogue, or if a new action is happening, or if a narrator starts a new train of thought. While there’s no real rule to how big a paragraph should be, yours tend to be a little on the lengthy side—there’s a lot of information shoved into this great big wall of text that could be a lot easier to read if it were broken up.

Otherwise, though, great work here!


OVERALL THINGS
Take a step back and breathe a little. You’ve got the outline of a really solid story here, and it’s just a few of the details that you might want to look into as you start writing more installments. My condensed advice:

• Keep the beginning super interesting!
• Focus on your characters a lot more: how do they feel about the events of the plot?
• Don’t be afraid to describe what’s going on

Overall, this was a really great first story for a really simple capture, so I have no problems in saying Kricketot captured! Great job, and enjoy your new Pokémon! Please ask me if you have any questions with this grade, and keep writing!