The Old Woman's Tale

This is my second story on here, after my first one got graded I suddenly got a lot of motivation and wrote this one! I know the character count is a bit - well, a lot - more than the limit, but I feel like the plot and characters would not have been able to develop as much as I would have liked them to if I stayed within the limits, so hopefully that doesn't hurt my grade too much, if at all.

Target Pokemon: Dedenne
Rank: Medium
CC Target: 10k-20k characters
CC: 25,329


“Would you just shut up about it already?” My friend Dan really was a piece of work. He’d been bragging all morning about how he ventured into Eterna Forest and caught “the strongest Pokémon there.” Despite how much I hated his constant arrogance - he once bragged about how his nose was better shaped than mine - I was interested to see what this Pokémon could possibly be. I’ve heard all sorts of rumors about Eterna Forest, of course, I’d always dismissed them as folklore, but maybe Dan had actually discovered something great. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

“You’ve been talking about this thing all morning, you got it or not?” I ask.

“Oh I’ve got it all right, and it's the best Pokémon, not only in Eterna Forest, but in the entire region! It’s so good I bet it’ll-” I put my hand in the “stop” position.

“Just. Send. Out. The. Pokémon,” I say, getting a bit impatient. Dan reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Pokéball, with a smug look on his face he tosses out the ball. It opens and a blinding white light flashes only to fade seconds later, revealing his Pokémon. It was the largest Pokémon I’d ever seen, at least 15 feet tall, razor sharp claws that glistened in the sun like a Bronzong fresh out of water, spikes protruding from every place imaginable on its body, and those red eyes beating down on me like a thousand and one suns. This truly was the greatest Pokémon ever, at least, that’s what I would say, if it was.

It was a Wurmple.

“You’re kidding me right?” I ask. I waited all morning for this? This has got to be some kind of joke.

“I know what you’re thinking. ‘A Wurmple? This has got to be some kind of joke, I waited all morning for this?’” He really did know what I was thinking. “But I can assure you, this is no normal Wurmple,” he says. I genuinely don’t understand this man. The last time something like this happened was the bug catching contest back in Johto - we’re both from Johto, we moved here together, this might be the only reason I’m still friends with him - when he caught a Geodude. He thought that since Geodude was a rock type Pokémon, which is super-effective against bug types, he would automatically win the contest. He did not, however, win the contest. He did get laughed at by a 6 year old boy though, who by the way, won the contest. Once again, I made the stupid decision to give him the benefit of the doubt.


“Fine, do whatever it is that you think that thing can do.” I send out my Kricketot. While Kricketot is no Groudon, I know for sure it can take out a Wurmple. He snickers and turns to his Wurmple.

“Wurmple, use Fire Blast!” Fire Blast? Fire Blast? Dan found a Wurmple that knows Fire Blast? I didn’t even know Wurmple could learn Fire Blast! Dan has finally done it. He’s finally actually done something great. A Wurmple that knew Fire Blast? I couldn’t wait to see it!

The Wurmple let out a confused “Wurm?” I knew it.

“C-Come on Wurmple,” Dan stuttered, “use Fire Blast Wurmple!” The Wurmple just sat there, remaining confused.

“And here I was thinking you actually had something,” I sneered.

“I do! I really do! Come on Wurmple use Fire Blast!” The Wurmple crawled over to Dan, looked up at him, and just shook its head. “Well okay, if you don’t know Fire Blast, just use your most powerful move!” The Wurmple nodded its head and turned to Kricketot. It began charging and finally let out a pretty pathetic “Wuuuuurm!” There was now string wrapped around my Kricketot. Its most powerful move was String Shot.

“All right Kricketot,” I say “use Bug Bite!” Kricketot nods its head as we both decide it’s probably time to end this. The Wurmple faints instantly. Dan wistfully puts it back in its Pokéball. I almost feel bad for him.

“Man, I thought I’d finally caught a great Pokémon,” he said. Like I said, almost. Out of the automatic kindness that had been drilled into me when I was young - my mother is very strict - I walked over to him and patted his back. We began to walk away when we heard a voice say,

“You boys looking for a strong Pokémon?” The voice was clearly of an old woman, it sounded croaky, like she hadn’t drank anything for decades. We turn around to see just that, an old woman. People around here are always offering anything from items, to TMs, to Pokémon, and it’s always a scam. I begin to reject her offer,

“No thanks, we don’t need a new-”

“You bet we do!”

“-Pokémon.” Dan always does this. He always falls for these scams. I remember one time some Ursaring-looking dude said he’d give us a shiny Pokémon - I had caught one shiny Pokémon in the past, an Octillery, while Dan hasn’t caught any - long story short, we ended up moneyless after the whole thing was over.

“It seems there’s some confusion among the two of you, heh-heh,” she sniggered, “I suppose I’ll tell you anyway.” She gestures over to a rock, as if to ask us to sit down on it. What’s the worst that could happen? There’s no way this old lady could do anything to hurt us. We sit down on the rock and she clears her throat.

“Have either of you heard of the Pokémon Dedenne?” She asked.

Me and Dan both exchanged looks.

“Dedenne? Well no, I can’t say I have,” this certainly confirms my suspicion that this is a scam, I know all 493 Pokémon, even Arceus. I decide I’ll let her speak, maybe I’ll get a good kick out of it.

“Well,” she continues, “that would be because it is a Pokémon not from this region. This Pokémon, Dedenne, is a very special Pokémon from a region far away from here called the Kalos region, and that’s not all, it possesses something that no Pokémon in this region has, a different typing. Dedenne is an Electric type Pokémon, but it also has a second type, the Fairy type.”

“Listen lady,” I start, “I appreciate you taking the time to tell us this lovely story,” I like being sarcastic, what can I say, “but I’m from the Johto region, and I’ve ventured to the Kanto region, and here, to the Sinnoh region with my friend Dan over here, next up is the Hoenn region. Those are the only four regions in existence, and I know my stuff.” Perhaps I was exaggerating a little, but I did know that there were four regions. Only four regions. She lets out a slight laugh again.

“I suppose you believe that, I knew it would be hard to convince a young lad like yourself, one who only believes what he sees in the textbooks and in Trainer’s School. One who wins most of his battles, but gets emotionally crushed when he loses one, and after losing, studies as much as he can so he can beat his opponent next time. Of course, unless I have it all wrong. Tell me, is my description of you correct?”

“It is! That’s exactly him!” Dan said, practically jumping out of his seat. He’s right. I hate it, but he’s right. How could she have possibly known this? Is she some kind of stalker, or could she really figure out this much from a person from first impressions? I guess I’m just -

“Well,” she cuts off my thinking, “I can see from your silence that I am correct, and also your friend here helped a little.” She did that little laugh again, it’s kind of nice, she really does seem like a sweet old lady, but she was just pissing me off at this point.

“What was your name, Dan?” Dan nods his head, and she turns to me. “And your name would be?” I sit silently. Why should I tell her my name? She didn’t do anything to deserve to know who I was, I’d already told her so much about me.

“Fine then, you struck me as the stubborn type. As you know, Dedenne is an Electric & Fairy type Pokémon, but there is much more I can tell you about it. Dedenne appears similar to a mouse, it has an orange body and large ears, and while very cute, it is deceivingly powerful.”

“Like Raichu?” Dan asks. I can’t believe he’s playing along with this.

“Yes, heh-heh, I guess you could draw comparisons to Raichu, however Dedenne is much, much smaller, and much, much more powerful.”

“Wait a second,” I interject, “you said Dedenne comes from another region, but every region has many different Pokémon in it, Dedenne can’t be the only Pokémon in the ‘Kalos’ region?” This’ll get her, there’s no way this lady could come up with another lie now, I have her, I’ll catch her in her lie, and me and Dan will go home, laughing all the way.

“Well, no, Dedenne is not the only Pokémon in the Kalos region, there are many other Pokémon in the region, but there are even more in the region prior to Kalos, the Unova Region.”

Dan and I exchange looks.

“And also, discovered in the Kalos region was a process further and greater than normal evolution, called ‘Mega Evolution’. It is a power that very few Pokémon possess.”

Dan and I exchange looks once more, but this time, I let out a laugh. Not a snicker, a full blown laugh, a laugh so loud that I could have woken up a Snorlax. Once I’m done I wipe the tears from my eyes and say,

“Look, I understand you’re probably just a sweet old lady trying to pay for her grandson’s tuition for Trainer College or something, and I’m sure you mean no harm, but do you really expect me to believe all of this? Do you really expect me to believe that there are one, let alone two regions that I do not know about, and that there is a process called ‘Mega Evolution’? You’ve got to be joking. I can fully understand telling a couple of lies to benefit good people, but at least make them believable.”

“But-” she begins.

“But nothing, we’re going, come on Dan.” I pull Dan off of the rock and we walk away. As we’re walking away I hear her whisper to herself, “if only they knew.” I sarcastically retort “Oh we know, lady! We know about the Sky Type, and the Explosion type, and we know about the process further than even mega evolution, called ‘Super Duper Ultra Cool Evolution’! We know it all!” Dan gives me a slap on the head to tell me to shut up. Maybe I had gone a bit too far, I just hate it when people waste my time. You can understand that, right?


Dan and I walked for a long while, it is a pretty far venture from Eterna city to Floaroma Town, luckily, Dan has a Budew with Cut - possibly the only thing Dan is good for at this point - so we don’t have to go through Eterna Forest, where Dan caught his “amazing Pokémon.” Oh, Dan. I make remarks about how Dan actually fell for the old woman’s tricks, he attempts to counter with things like “No, you did!” Dan is horrible at comebacks. The only reason we’re going back to Floaroma Town is because they just opened a shop that sells honey, and we just ran out of it. Can you guess who’s fault that was? I’ll give you a hint, it - actually, you probably don’t need a hint. You might think I’m being too hard on Dan here, but I’m only telling truths, and if you lived with him, you’d be doing the same thing that I am.


It was a warm night. It would be hotter if it wasn’t for the breeze, walking down Route 205 there always seems to be a breeze, maybe the Valley Windworks gives off the breeze, maybe I’m just crazy. The sun is almost done setting, there’s just the perfect amount of light to give the grass an orangish tint, excuse me for sounding unmanly, but it is quite beautiful. I wasn’t exactly manly anyway, just under 6 foot - I still tell everyone I’m 6 foot - 140 pounds, pretty skinny, and my brown hair was nowhere near long, but it did touch my neck. Dan on the other hand was the stereotypical dumb jock. He had to weigh at least 200 pounds and was around 6 foot 3, I have no idea how he got so jacked, we’ve basically spent our whole lives together since we were little. Just two dumb kids who decided to go on a Pokémon adventure way back in Johto, and now here we are, in Sinnoh, not even making a big deal about how far we’ve come. It’s funny how that works isn’t it? For example, if you think about winning the lottery back in Johto, you think about how it would change your life forever and how you would never get over it, but eventually, you do, and it just becomes your normal, everyday life.


We finally arrive in Floaroma Town, but we just decide to crash in the newly built hotel and go to the shop in the morning. They’re really building the place up, I remember when we first got to Sinnoh it had just been a few houses and a flower shop. If you hadn’t seen the place in a long time, I promise you wouldn’t recognize it.

“Well that was an… interesting day.” We’d been mostly silent the walk here, I figured I’d start up some conversation.

“You’re telling me,” Dan responds, “it’s a day I know you’ll never let me live down, almost getting swindled by that old lady, pfft.” Dan jumps down on his bed and we turn out the lights, we’d been out longer than we expected because of that old lady, we’ll be lucky if we get a couple hours of sleep.

“Hey,” Dan starts, “do you think there could have been any truth to that lady’s story?”

I hadn’t really thought about it much, there definitely could be a chance she was telling the truth. I’d dismissed it as a scam like every other time, but there was something about this woman that made it seem like she could have been telling the truth. Maybe - because of me - we passed up an opportunity to get a great Pokémon today. The guilt was starting to set in on me. Why do I do this to myself? I know that the chances that the old lady was legit are slim, but I still let the guilt get to me. I don’t let Dan know that though.

“I don’t know,” I finally reply.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • ​

I wake up with an unexpected jolt. You know that feeling when you’re dreaming about falling off of a boat or a cliff, and right before you hit the ground you wake up? It was like that, except I hadn’t dreamt about falling off of anything. But I had dreamt about one thing, a specific thing that I tried my hardest to not think about. Dedenne. Not only did I have a dream about it but I had a dream about finding it. There was Dan & I, and we were in Eterna Forest of all places, standing right in front of a formidable yellowish tree. Just as we were about to see Dedenne, I jolted awake, and now, here we are. Perhaps this dream could have been some sort of message? Yesterday, when Dan said there was a great Pokémon in Eterna Forest, maybe he wasn’t lying, maybe there was. Now I’ve got to know, we’re about to go the way of Eterna Forest anyway so I’d like to at least try, but I know the way Dan is, and he won’t want to go through Eterna Forest if he doesn’t have to. If he doesn’t have to. That’s it! I pull off my covers, pop on my shoes, and grab a Pokéball from Dan’s bag, containing his Budew. He didn’t want to go to through Eterna Forest, but he would.


I head over to the Pokémon Center - nobody really calls it the Pokécenter, do they? We all call the Pokémart by its short form, why not the Center? - and deposit Dan’s Budew into my PC, this is a genius plan, we need cut to get through the shortcut, Dan’s Budew has cut, this is perfect. I’m about to head back when I have another great realization. I head over to the new shop that sells the honey and buy a whole lot of it. You probably think there’s no point in doing this without Dan, but the more time we spend doing things like this, the more time it takes to get to Eterna Forest, and the more time Dan gets to think about things like ‘Where’s my Budew?’ I like to encourage Dan to do some more thinking - he doesn’t do a whole lot of it - but in this case, the less he thinks, the better. I put all of the honey in my bag and head back to the hotel, the manager there is a pretty weird guy. Long-ish, grey hair, a thick moustache, and he always wears a tie, even if he was wearing a t-shirt like he was today - not yesterday, then he was wearing a suit.


I walk up to the room and unlock the door, Dan’s still asleep so I decide I’ll get all of his things ready for him before we leave, keeping the “less thinking the better” mentality. I shake Dan, probably a little harder than I should have, but hey, that’s what friends do.

“Hey Dan, we gotta go.” He stretches and yawns, and in a dazed voice says,

“Can we go for breakfast first?”

Crap. I didn’t even think about breakfast. The same thought keeps running through my head, “less thinking the better” over, and over, and over.

“Restaurants are closed today, some kind of local holiday I guess,” I say, thinking quick. After a couple of choice words, Dan finally get out of bed and we head out.



It was a warm morning. If I had my eyes closed I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference from last night. Bird Pokémon were singing - Starlys or Pidgeys, I couldn’t tell the difference - and the skies were as clear as could be. But today was no normal day, today was the day I would find the great Pokémon from the “Kalos” region, Dedenne. Or, at least, I hope. At this point I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should have told Dan, but it’s too late now, we’re so close to Eterna Forest and I don’t want to risk the off chance that he blows up about the whole thing. Dan gets mad at the strangest things. For example, one time I had hopped over a patch of grass to get an item on the ground instead of going through it and he said I was “cheating,” as if this was some kind of game. In case you somehow didn’t know already, Dan is a very, very weird dude.


As we approach Eterna Forest, Dan starts to fumble through his bag in an attempt to find his Budew’s ball. No shortcut for us today Dan, sorry buddy.

“What the hell? I can’t find my Budew anywhere!”

“Its gotta be in there somewhere,” I suggest, can’t make myself look too suspicious. He dumps out his bag and sorts through each one of his Pokéballs, I honestly didn’t expect this.

“Why is my Budew not here?”

“Maybe you accidentally left it in the hotel, or maybe you deposited it in the PC,” I say, trying to convince him.

“No,” he says, getting more serious than I have seen him before, “I know and love my Pokémon, I would not leave any of them at home or in the PC accidentally.” I really didn’t expect this.

“Look,” I say, trying to come up with the words as they come out of my mouth, “we had a long day yesterday, we were really tired, it was really late, you probably deposited it or something without knowing.” He thinks for a moment.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Whew. I thought we were gonna have a problem there. “Sorry for getting so angry, I just really don’t want to go through Eterna Forest.”

“I know,” I reply, “but hey, it won’t be that hard, we have your Wurmple with Fire Blast!” He laughs, I laugh, and we head into Eterna Forest.


As we head into Eterna Forest, I scan my surroundings, I see bug catchers, even a couple hikers - I have no idea why they’re here, but they are - I see a lot of bug Pokémon, and I see trees. Not only do I see trees, but I see a tree that sticks out. Not just a tree, the tree. It stuck out almost instantly, it was the tree I saw in my dream! I begin to walk over to it as if it has some force drawing me in. Dan seems to be confused but he follows anyway. When we get to the tree, I scan it up and down, the leaves are a dark yellow colour, and the bark on it is a little damp, but something’s missing. Dedenne. Dedenne is missing. I look all around the tree but I don’t see Dedenne anywhere.

“Its gotta be here somewhere,” I say, searching around frantically.

“Hey, did you hit your head or something last night? You’re acting really off,” Dan asks. He’s right - again - I was acting off. Not just off, I was acting stupid. I can’t believe it, but I’m the real dumb one here. I was swindled by the old lady, and all because I had a stupid dream, I decided I had to come here. I had to lie to my best friend about the whole thing too. I feel horrible.

“Listen, Dan,” I start, still being bent down, looking at the tree, “There’s something I have to tell you.” Before I can continue, or stand up, I reach in to touch the aforementioned damp bark on the tree, but as soon as I do I feel a shock.

“Ouch, I heard that,” Dan says. As I pull my hand away from the tree I hear a giggle, but there is no one in sight. and it didn’t even sound like the giggle of a human, and it sure as hell didn’t sound like Dan. I stand up and take a step back, and as I do the leaves begin to rustle, and out jumps a Pokémon. It is a very small Pokémon, dark orange, red cheeks, long whiskers, and gigantic ears. It really is cute, but it has an aura about it that says “powerful.”

It was Dedenne.

“Is that…?” Dan asks, as shocked as I am - probably more, considering he had no idea this could happen.

“It is,” I reply. I reach into my bag and pull out a Pokéball. I can’t use my Mantyke, because this definitely is an Electric type Pokémon. I send out my Kricketot, again.

“All right Kricketot, let’s do this, use Bug Bite!” I command. Kricketot nods its head and runs right towards Dedenne, but it almost effortlessly zaps Kricketot, knocking it on its back. I knew it would be powerful, but I could have never expected it to be this powerful. Next I send out my Phanpy, which in theory, is the best choice to face Dedenne, there is a problem though. The problem being that I just recently caught this Phanpy, and it was very low level, but it does have the type-advantage over Dedenne, so I might as well give it a shot.

“Phanpy, use Take Down!” Phanpy takes charge at Dedenne, but just as it reaches Dedenne, it grabs Phanpy mid-air, slams it into the ground and unleashes a fury of hits unlike any I have ever seen before. I thought it must be a Fairy-type attack, but when I think about a type called “Fairy,” I imagine something more elegant, graceful, this looked more like a Fighting-type attack to me. But as I’ve mentioned previously, I know my stuff, and this was no attack I’ve ever seen. Regardless, the attack fainted my Phanpy, and I was down to one Pokémon. This one Pokémon being the Pokémon I evaded using up to this point. It was my Mantyke. There was absolutely, in this world or any other, no way that my Mantyke can defeat Dedenne, it being an Electric-type Pokémon. But I have to try, so I sent out my Mantyke.

“Mantyke, use Bubble Beam!” I command. I hate that word, command, my Pokémon aren’t forced to do what they do, but I feel like it’s the only word to describe it. Mantyke uses Bubble Beam, it unleashes the beam of, well, bubbles, with all of its might. The attack does something I didn’t expect it to do, it knocks Dedenne on its back, but Dedenne gets right back up quickly. The point was not that it got back up, the point was that Mantyke was able to knock it over. Maybe, through my other two Pokémon, we’ve weakened Dedenne so far to the point that Mantyke can faint it. Now I can’t give up.

“Mantyke, use Bubble Beam until you can’t any longer!” I say. Mantyke nods with a determined look on its face and once again unleashes a stream of bubbles at Dedenne. They hit Dedenne’s face, it is clearly weakened, but it powers through the bubbles and sends an electric charge past them knocking out my Mantyke. I sigh, returning my Mantyke back into its Pokéball, probably frowning more than I wish I was - I don’t like to show my emotions much, I can’t explain why, I just don’t. Dan walks over to me and gives me a comforting pat on the back, but then something happens that I was not prepared for. Dedenne hops over to me and looks up at me. This Pokémon truly was powerful, it had easily gotten rid of my Kricketot, my Phanpy, and my Mantyke, and now, now it was coming for me. I was about to make a run for it when suddenly, Dedenne gestured to one of the Pokéballs hanging out of my bag.

“Wait, you want to come with me?” Dedenne nods its head. This is truly unbelievable. Why would such a powerful Pokémon like Dedenne willingly come with a trainer like me? Had I possibly earned its respect through showing that I wouldn’t give up? This just came naturally to me, I never really thought anything of it, I never gave up, never backed down from a challenge. Despite me not thinking anything of it, Dedenne apparently does, but why? The answer to that question is beyond me, but I’m not going to pass up the opportunity. I grab the same ball that Dedenne gestured to and toss it at the Electric-mouse, and seconds later, I have captured the great Dedenne!


The walk home is mostly silence, Dan and I still quite in shock. After a long while of walking along the dirt path, Dan finally says,

“You know what?”

“What?” I ask.

“You got lucky today, you wouldn’t have been able to catch that Dedenne if it didn’t let you, and then, I would have pounced in and captured that Dedenne no problem!”

Oh, Dan. I can’t help but laugh a bit, normally I get angry at him when he gets jealous, normally I would retort with something like “why can’t you just be happy for me for once?” This time was different, it was nice to see Dan back to normal, after all, I - we - have been through a lot in the past two days. Two days. It felt like weeks, maybe even years. As we are getting closer to Eterna City, we pass by the area the old lady was at, and I see her, sitting there on her rock. Dan doesn’t see her. She smiles to me, I nod and mouth “thank you.” This was a huge experience for me, not only because of Dedenne, but because my mindset has changed. My whole life I’ve judged people very harshly, but this old lady has shown me that I judge people too harshly. Sometimes, to me, people look like scammers, liars, cheaters, or stealers, but in reality, they might just be what they appear to be on the front, just a sweet, harmless, old lady.

 

Note: I tried to do indentations for new paragraphs but it wouldn't work for some reason :/

 

Claiming! /istotallyrusty

 

I'M BAAACK!

Introduction:

That was a very dynamic intro! Starting stories in medias res, or in the middle of the action, is a great way of starting because readers are set land in the world of the story and running and going through it instantaneously. It can be a form of a hook, which is very important as it makes sure that the readers stay in the story. However, you have to make sure the story does not go slow, because once the readers stop running, they could decide to go back and not read your story at all. You can make sure that the readers stay on the hook by making the next scenes interesting or supplying the info that the readers do not know yet because of an in medias res intro. An example is "Who the hell is Dan? And why does he make his Wurmple use Fire Blast?!"

Another aspect of the start of your story is that there is already exposition of the characters, which is also the other importance of introductions. There, we know that the protagonist is a smart-thinker and very sarcastic and Dan is very naive and needs more training and mentoring. That's good, especially when the readers relate with the characters, which is one of your own goals as a writer.

Plot and Description (because it kinda blended):

Firstly, these "trainer-finds-and-catches-Pokemon" plots are usually only allowed for new writers but then they rarely pass as the ranks go higher. It's because they are run-of-the-mill and the writer tends to just insert a character, the target Pokemon, and tweak certain aspects to make it unique enough. We highly suggest to widen up story-writing by reading other stories by other writers so that you can be inspired to go out of the decrepit plot and make up your own story! You can be free and experimenting with your stories, and us Graders will be happy to accommodate and critique your work and tell you how to improve on that.

I have to deal with the main character. Because he has no name. Names are really important in stories because it gives the character its own identity. Plus, it may confuse readers, such as me who keep on thinking the protagonist's name is Phil (IM NOT FROM THE PHANDOM). At least, there was consistency, which I'm going to give you brownie points for that. But anyways, not all stories will require names, because there can be significance to it. For example, is Dan close enough to the main character that he can talk to him without dropping names? Another amazing part is also when the main character avoided saying his name to the old lady, because that shows characterization to him: his distrust to strangers. Like I said earlier, consistency and significance is key! If you think there's a reason not to use names, then go for it!

Continuing with the main character (whom I will NOT call him Phil), his sarcastic personality is off-putting, because its frequency can derail the flow and can cause distraction. You can lessen such cases from time to time without making him less of a sarcastic person by making him sarcastic when the situation REALLY calls for it. Also, you don't have to make the main character tell us that he's really sarcastic, just let him do his work. It's the rule of "show, don't tell."

Also, by the time you described the characters to the readers, the story was already in the middle. The problem arises when readers had set their own mental image and do not replace it when you give the actual thing. For me, I imagined them as 10-year old youngsters, then when the real thing showed up, by the end of the story I still use my own mental image. In stories, description should be served by you (as the waiter) and not make the customers (the readers) serve their own meals (description).

When it comes to description, it shouldn't be done in a way that it's more like a shopping list. Examples in the story.

This method of description ignores the "show, don't tell" rule. When it comes to food, you're not supposed to give the customer the food and then tell them how it tastes. You only give them the food, but you let them taste it. In this rule, Dedenne can be described as:

Instead of a grocery list, the readers get to imagine Dedenne while the story and action continues to flow. But anyways, "shopping list" description can work to your advantage as well. You can use it when you compare and contrast two objects. You used it when you compared the main character and Dan. That way, the readers get to see how physically different the two are. In general, "shopping list" descriptions are not really that bad, you just have to know when it is used best!

However, the ending is a bit off. One, the Dedenne pretty much surrendered, which is quite anticlimactic. The Dedenne is supposed to be very powerful and mighty, but it just gave up. Since it's the climax, the battles should be worthwhile, and not just a sweep. You can still show its power by not being fazed by the attacks, by letting the opponent attack the Dedenne. Then you make the Dedenne attack the Pokemon then let it faint after one or two attacks. On succeeding battles, scale the attacks, make the second Pokemon hit Dedenne a few more times, then Dedenne will beat the opposing Pokemon with more moves than the previous Pokemon, and so on. Making the Dedenne lose the battle is more interesting and believable, but if you want to stick to your own version, you should write it so that the Dedenne would think that the main character is worthy enough to be the Trainer it deserves.

Also, the way you concluded seemed rushed. The main character sees the old lady and realizes that he has changed. Character development should be done not too instantly, because it would either cause the readers to stop relating themselves to the character, or it would fail altogether. In this story, I could suggest that the boys have a chat with the old lady and reflect on themselves. Bottom line: never cram character development on a single paragraph, much less when it's on the ending part of the story. Anyways, the ending, in its physical form, is sweet!

Grammar:

One of the issues I saw in the story is tense consistency. There are cases where "I said" is used and "Dan says" is also used. Most of the inconsistencies I've seen occurred in your dialogue tags, so I'd say consistency is key. For dialogue tags, it's common to use past tense, but then if you use the past tense throughout the whole story, then dialogue tags are in the past tense. Same goes for the other tenses.

Also, when it comes to dialogue tags, it's always okay to just use "said" and "asked," since I've seen that you've used other verbs such as "start" and "sniggered." Since the characters just talk, it's only normal to just say "said." The readers could just imply that whoever "sniggered" did snigger when s/he said that. You can just write the effect you want in the dialogues instead, with the right choice of words.

Another, when you use dialogue tags, the dialogue before it will use a comma. For example:

However, when you don't use a dialogue tag, you use a period.

Your grammar issues mostly fall under dialogues, and for other issues, you can reread your previous grade since I've checked and compared and the issues are similar.

Inclusion:

Dedenne, as a Medium ranked Pokemon, showed up as the target Pokemon and showed up physically by the climax of the story. A Pokemon's inclusion in the story is a very important aspect in stories. If a high-rank Pokemon only showed up as a mere cameo in the story, the chance of passing is little to none. While Dedenne's role is enough and is suited in that kind of plot, please do take note that higher ranked Pokemon demand higher and more significant roles.

Length:

You actually overwrote, but it's not a bad thing. The prescribed length is only an estimate of how long and elaborate a story should be. Of course, we'll also be looking for the pacing and determining what needs to be added or removed (because they're fillers). Your pacing is fine, and the part that can be added is the reflection at the end of the story to slow down the character development a bit. Anyways, you're good!

Conclusion:

Dedenne is captured!

Your intro is great, the characters are great! There's a huge room for improvement, and I (and everyone [but mostly graders]) want to see you improve on your next stories. With the way you overwrote for this story shows so much effort and potential on your part! Just remember to get out of the "decrepit plot" and explore your true original writing style!

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credits to smiles for helping me return to grading!