The Obelisk

To understand my story, you need to understand the world that I come from. It is a world not unlike your own except that monsters, called Pokémon, roam just outside my city’s walls. For as long as I can remember it has been forbidden for anyone to leave my fortified city. When people need to get something from another city, they take what we call the transporter. My metropolis is built around one of four tall structures. We call them the obelisks. I come from the eastern obelisk. The three others are placed in the icy north, the rocky west, and the coast in the south. The obelisks each sustain their own city by keeping the Pokémon away. My city is referred to as the eastern forest city, or Eardon. The Kingdoms stand united as followers of the Obe, but the cities must all rule separately since they are cut off by intense distances filled with wild vicious and uncontrollable Pokémon.

The Obe are the organization that oversees the care and upkeep of the obelisk. Without them the Pokémon would storm into the city and destroy everything. We follow their two commandments and they keep us safe. One, we must not leave the city, though it is not as if we would want to. Two, we must not trespass on obelisk land.

They call me Spirit in the land I come from. This is my story.

---

I close my eyes as I push and pull the wet soapy shirt over the groves of my tattered wash board. It is one
of my favorite things to do. You can clear your mind in the monotony of back and forth, back and forth. The suds build and start to run up your arms. Your hands begin to tickle as the groves smack against them, ba da bump, ba da bump, back and forth, back and forth. Sometimes, I wish I could see a bird fly over as I wash the clothes, but even the bird Pokémon can’t fly with in the city walls. I accept this because I don’t want them to peck my eyes out. Then the other times I let my mind wander while cleaning, I imagine seeing a real live flower growing in my backyard. Flowers won’t grow without grass-type Pokémon to spread their seeds or the Combee to pollinate them. I imagine that I am in a field of flowers and all the colors of the rainbow surround me. Instead, I am in a small patch of yellowing grass sandwiched between Houses on all sides.

Of course I feel lucky to live in the second circle. I must always remember who lucky I am. The citizens of Eardon are organized into three living areas, or rings, around the obelisk. The third ring consists of apartments and don’t have any yard at all. In the first ring the people live closest to the obelisk and they are all the rich. They have yards at least four times as big as mine. These are the thoughts I try to clear while doing laundry ba da bump, ba da bump. I dip the shirt into the tub of clean water and then ring it out. The final step is to clip it on to the close line. It is a nice pattern and I let myself get lost in it until the sun starts to get low in the sky.

“Beep.” I’m sure I just heard the sound of my computer alerting me to the arrival of a new email. I open the screen door and walk over to my computer sitting coyly on my shabby black desk. Punching a few keys, I bring the computer to life. Sure enough on the top right corner of the screen is a little envelope with a number one next to it. “One new email, eh? Who could this be from,” I wonder as I double click the icon.

[spirit. come to my home. hurry. -light]

It’s from my employer, Professor Light. He lives in the first ring. I work at his house on week days cleaning. I have come to think of him as a friend and he sometimes entertains me with stories of his journeys to the other kingdoms. Professor Light designed the transporter and therefore gets unhindered use of it. I began to wonder what could be wrong if he would call for me on a Sunday evening. I grab my grey sweatshirt off the back of the couch and slip it on as I close and lock the backdoor. I hurry out the front and walk left up my street. I live only a little way from the cross street that connects the rings. I stop at the gate to the first ring and push the small red call button.

“What’s your business this late?” questions the voice of the guard, seemingly from nowhere.”

“I clean Professor Light’s house. I received an email from the Professor asking me to come quickly”

“Swipe Card.” I normally can just swipe my card but since business hours are over I must speak to the guard explaining what use I have in the first ring. I swipe my employment identification card and the metal gates open. I walk through and they close behind me. It must be great to live in the southern water farms, In exchange for working the fields they get a simple life with no gates except for the wall that marks where the obelisks stops working. I hate doors, and walls, and gates. They are all round me. All day they suffocating me. I’ve told Prof. Light how much I envy him for being able to visit others places.

I set off for Prof. Light’s house, but I walk slowly through the vacant streets. It is fun seeing the streets so bare and open; and also the houses in this ring are very beautiful. Prof. Light’s house might be the most ordinary. A simple but still perfectly green lawn leads up to a plain house with painted white wood siding and blue shutters. Of course his house is still twice as big as any second ring house. I knock on his door and it bursts open. I am quickly ushered in by a frantic and disheveled looking Prof. Light.

“You’ve taken much too long Spirit. There isn’t any time for the proper explanation that this needs.” He tells me as he leads me through his house.

“But?” I try to ask.

“And there certainly isn’t any time for you to speak. Now Spirit you remember how I told you I invented the transporter? I also study the obelisks. One thing that I have never talked to you about is how the obelisks came to be. Not many people know but the obelisks were actually harnessed by my great-grandfather. The obelisks were once rocks that people noticed Pokémon wouldn’t go near. Naturally, towns and tribes began to flourish around them. When the towns began to grow too large for the rock’s natural power and the space could no longer sustain the population, my great-grandfather stepped in and developed a technology that could enhance them. It was a noble deed and the Obe formed soon after. The people began to view the Obe as protectors. Cheering as the Obe and my great-grandfather worked to make the obelisks stronger and stronger. The Obe began to use their fame as a way of control; they warned the people that they needed follow the Obe laws if they wanted to stay safe. Their power grew until they transformed into the dictators that we know today. My great-grandfather began to realize that the stronger the obelisks became the more aggressive the Pokémon became. He theorized that the obelisks we actually created from pure evil energy and was hurting the Pokémon, but the Obe wouldn’t let him shut down the machines that super-powered the energy.”

My mind was reeling from the news. I had always accepted the Obe as kind protectors. The Professor spoke quickly and I now notice that he had steered me to the silver elevator that leads to his lab. This was the one area of this house that I was not allowed to enter. I always found the silver elevator unnerving in the way it contrasted with the ornately decorated interior of his home. He inserts a key into the panel on the right of it and the doors slide open. I had seen them open before when he would go in and out of his lab, but this is the first time they were opening for me. It’s a bizarre feeling. We enter and the doors close. The professor asks me if I trusted him. I tell him of course. I had come to think of him as a father. He nods and pushes a button to activate the elevator. My stomach drops because I had never road on an elevator before. I fell like vomiting but luckily it is a very short ride.

The doors slide open once more and I see his lab for the first time. It is beautiful and pristine in its silver and white splendor. I see machines that I didn’t even know existed. I wish that I had time to take it all in, but it quickly becomes a blur as he again is leading my forward. He takes me all way to the left corner of the room farthest away from the elevator. I stare at a silver circular panel on the floor.
“This is my personal transporter. Now listen, the four obelisks are hurting the Pokémon. They aren’t actually naturally as dangerous. I have created a device that blocks the Pokémon’s brain waves from the obelisks’ powers. I call it a Pokéball.”

Out of the left pocket of his white lab coat, he produces a white and red ball.

“In this ball I have captured a Pokémon called Torchic. Without the effects of the obelisks it is a perfectly tame and sweet creature. Take it.”

I slowly reach out and take the Pokéball. I have dreamt of interacting with a real live Pokémon, but I never thought it possible.

“Quickly, you must leave through this transporter. That Pokémon will protect you.” He hands me a bag and continues, “The Obe are coming. They have discovered my research. In that bag are five more empty Pokéballs and other supplies.” I step on the pad, excited to know what kingdom I will be journeying to. “You must find, capture, and train Pokémon. Then return here, and destroy the obelisk. All the obelisks must be destroyed to save the Pokémon. I have programmed this to take you right outside the city’s walls.”

“What!”I blurt out. He pushes the button. “I can’t go outside the walls. Save the Pokémon? What’s happening?” Suddenly the lab is gone. I am standing in a forest. I look behind me and I see the city’s white concrete walls.

I think that I start hyperventilating because the world starts getting black around the edges. I remember the Pokéball in my hand and calm down. A tame Pokémon? I turn the ball over in my hand and find a white button. I touch it and the ball pops open in a burst of red light. In front of me stands an orange chick-like creature. It looks at me with inquisitive eyes and then walks closer. I instinctively back up a little, and then trip over a small twig and fall over. The Pokémon pauses, looking at me again. It walks forward again and starts to poke my side with its beak. It tickles and I can’t help but giggle. I become instantly at ease with him. It is surprisingly fun to just sit and play with a Pokémon. You have to realize I had never even seen a Pokémon’s meat before this instance. All people of the kingdoms are vegetarians, due to the fact that hunting Pokémon would be way too dangerous.

The sun had set by this point and I begin to worry at the thought of my first night outside the safety of the walls. I rummage through the bag that professor gave me to look through the supplies. In it I find one change of clothes, a few bags of food, and the five Pokéballs as promised. Tied to the bottom of the bag was a small sleeping bag. “Are you kidding me?” I yell to the world. I drop the bag in anger and sit to think in the twilight calm. Out of the bag drops one last device. It looks like a flat computer, and on it flashes [Point at Pokémon]. I pick it up and hold it toward Torchic.

“Torchic – Chick Pokémon. Fire Type.”

I marvel at the gift I was given. At least the Professor did one thing right. However, it is short lived when I hear scuffling coming from the trees. The sound must have attracted a Pokémon. The sounds got louder until I see a yellow foot break through the trees. A small yellow Pokémon emerges from the forest. It looks like it has a black lightning bolt on its chest and a yellow power plug coming out of its head. The Pokémon looks agitated like I was warned. I point the tablet at the Pokémon.

“Elekid – Electric Pokémon. Electric type.”

True to its description the Pokémon begins to sizzle with electricity. It lets out a battle cry as a lightning bolt is discharged. I can see the bolt traveling in slow motion right toward my chest. Torchic becomes a blur of orange as he leaps in front of the flash. He blocks the attack from getting to me by taking it head on. The moment that the bolt hits Torchic I hear him screech. The electricity flashes around his body and throws him back and he lands at my feet. I realize at this moment that the obelisks have to be destroyed. This Pokémon has known me for 10 minutes and it is already willing to take electrocution in order to save my life. I kneel down to comfort my fallen comrade but he brushes me off. He slowly stands and defiantly looks at Elekid. This show of strength disturbs me. If this little guy can take a bolt of lightning and live through it what dangers await me in this forest. Torchic assumes the fighting position and then looks in my direction like it wants me to tell him what to do.

“I don’t know go attack him. Tackle him, or beat him with your beak!”

Torchic stares at me uncomprehendingly.

“Come on you have to do something. Spit a fire ball, burn him, or scratch him with you claws!

The moment scratch leaves my lips, Torchic starts run towards Elekid and slashes him hard with his claws. The battle becomes heated as the two beasts attack each other. Elekid’s punches sizzle with electrical energy and Torchic scratches at its arms and chest. They both let out sighs of fatigue and separate. I watch Torchic’s chest heaving. Without warning the computer in my hand lights up once more.

“Torchic – Known attacks Scratch and Ember.

“Torchic! Ember.”

A jet of flame suddenly bursts from Torchic’s small beak. The stream of fire heads toward Elekid, startling it. Elekid falls back confused.

“Awesome Torchic! Now focus your energy and hit him with an Ember one more time!”

Torchic begins to glow as he closes his eyes and focuses on his coming attack. The air around Torchic seems to ripple with heat. Torchic’s temperature is rising and the grass around his feet begins to smoke. The glow fades and Torchic opens his beak to unleash the fiery force. The flames erupt from deep inside and explode out of his tiny beak. Torchic’s flame surges out at twice the velocity and size of the last time. The blaze engulfs Elekid and throws it backward into a hefty tree. The fire burns the forest in a terrible beauty.

As the flames dissipate, I see Elekid left lying unconscious. I scavenge in the bag for a Pokéball, but realize I don’t know what to do with it yet. I settle on throwing it at Elekid to see what happens. When the ball makes contact with Elekid’s scorched body it breaks open and Elekid is transformed into a red light that is pulled into the Pokéball. The Pokéball closes and the white button flashes red.

Ready for Grade
Pokéman Attempted: Elekid
Characters Needed: 5,000-10,000
Actual Characters: 11,846​

 

Re: [Ready for Grade] The Obelisk

Graded!

INTRO
What impression did I get when I started reading this?

You begin with a preface. This was a little confusing at first, because I wasn't sure if it was you or your protagonist that was talking. I guess the end of the first sentence settled that: the protagonist is the one who's talking.

We get a world of monsters and walls. You set the scene quickly and efficiently: four great cities in safe zones. It's pretty effective, although the writing's a little rough at times.

I wonder what kind of narrator this is, and how the story is being passed on. Is it telepathy? The tale of a traveler? Perhaps I'll find out.

Not bad for a preface.

The actual story then begins with first-person present-tense narration. You describe the protagonist doing the laundry and his/her thoughts. It's pretty vivid.

Overall this is an excellent introduction. You have some good world-building, which I always like. There's some grammatical errors, but really, it's minor. Good stuff.

PLOT
Is it a good story?

Whee, world-building! We've got some kind of "hidden civilization" thing going here with a mix of tech levels. Primitive arcologies. I like that. Fun stuff.

The plot is definitely a "first-in-a-series" kind of thing. You're writing a series, right? The protagonist learns a terrible secret about his world and then is sent out on a quest! I think it's archetypal or something. Campbellian is the word. This installment is all about the introduction, the secret, and then the first achievement on his quest. I hope to see more exciting events unfold in the future.

DIALOGUE
Do we understand what they're saying?

Dialogue's all right. There's very little of it, and no issues that would break the flow of the story. You could stand to break up Professor Light's history monologue, though. I understand the need to deliver exposition, but it's bad to be so blatant about it. Pace it. Maybe have more of a conversation between him and Spirit.

CHARACTERIZATION
Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?

You have a rather scatter-minded guy as the protagonist. Spirit is all right, I guess. He's a little more unique than the typical go-out-on-an-adventure protagonist thanks to your almost stream-of-consciousness narration and the fact that he apparently really likes doing the laundry.

Professor Light is a bit character. Nothing to say about him. No big deal.

GRAMMAR
Does you talk pretty?

The first paragraph has some pretty simple sentence structures, especially toward the end. Try to vary it a little.

You can also have this as "Each obelisk sustains its own city," which might be slightly smoother. Grammar tends to go a little wonky when one uses "each."

Unclear meaning. I recommend "must all rule themselves."

I think the word you were searching for was "immense."

It's better with commas between the adjectives. It's a three-item list, after all.

"Organization" is a singular noun. This sentence should be written differently depending on whether "The Obe" is singular or plural.
Singular: "The Obe is the organization that oversees..."
Plural: "The Obe are those who oversee..."
A remark: You may want to clarify whether "Obe" is one or two syllables; is that "e" silent? Ambiguous words like these should be clarified for the sake of immersion in the story.

Either put a colon after "safe" or after "one" and "two."

Typo: "groves" should be "grooves."
Typo: "wash board" should be "washboard."
Washboards are large grooved panels of wood or metal. They can't be "tattered"; that's a word for fabric or fur or things like that. Try "battered" or "time-worn" instead.

I think you pressed |Enter| after "It is one." That's a formatting error.

"Grooves" again.

"The" isn't necessary.

This is first-person narration. This means that comma usage can be kind of variant. However, you probably still shouldn't begin sentences with words like "then," "and," or "or." A more effective way to begin this sentence would be "My mind sometimes also wanders onto the subject of flowers..."

Default style is capitalized type names: "Grass-type." If you use a different style, remember to keep it consistent.

"The" isn't necessary. Your sentence has parallel structure: Flowers won't grow without (grass) or (Combee). No "the"s there.

This isn't the smoothest way to go from imagination to reality. I'd recommend something like:
"I imagine... surround me. The reality doesn't match up: here I am in a small patch...[/quote]

This is capitalized. There's no indication that it's a proper noun in the rest of the story, so that was probably a mistake.

Typo: "who" should be "how."

You abruptly change the subject from the third ring to apartments. Therefore, you should say "The third ring consists of apartments which come without yards" or something like that.

You should have mentioned the second ring, even if only to say that it's in the middle.

Either get rid of "the" or say "the richest."

Typo: "ring" should be "wring."

Typo: "close line" should be "clothesline."

You need to make it clearer that it's the shirt that has a nice pattern. Otherwise we might think that it's all the clothing on the line that makes the pattern.

This is an awful lot of personificatoin for a computer. I've never heard one described as "coy" before. I think you should run with it if you use such strong descriptions, and personify it the rest of the way. Talk like it's a person. Otherwise, remove "coy." You know what I mean?

There really should be a comma after "enough." "Sure enough" is a set way to begin a sentence and must be set off with a comma.

I'd simplify this: "I clean his house on weekdays." We already know from the first sentence of the paragraph that Professor Light is the employer, so no meaning is lost.
(Professor THOMAS Light, perhaps...?)

This story is in present tense. Therefore, use "begin" instead of "began" or just say "I wonder."

"Grey" is the UK spelling. As you have used American spellings in the rest of this story, use "gray" as well. I've had the same problem for years.

I think "backdoor" as one word is mainly used in computer jargon. Use "back door" instead.

In the rest of that paragraph, most of the sentences begin with "I." Mix it up a little.

Extra quotation mark. Toss it.

You're missing a period. Goes before the quotation mark, but you knew that.

If this is a verbal command, "card" should be lower-case.

Try "business" instead of "use."

You have a period instead of a comma.

Should be singular: "obelisk." Also, why's there a obelisk dead zone in the first ring? Do you mean instead that the wall indicates the boundary of Obe territory?

Drop the commas.

"All around" might be better, but it's optional.

Nobody actually ever says "Prof." to refer to a professor. Since this story is directly narrated, use "Professor" instead of "Prof." This applies to the rest of the story.

Typo: "others" should be "other."

In this case, a comma is more appropriate than a semicolon. You have "and," after all.

I'd use "yet" instead of "but still." It's more concise.

A hyphen might be nice.

You need a comma before "Spirit." When names are called, they must be surrounded by commas.

This is all part of the same sentence. Swap out that period for a comma and put "He" in lowercase.

Calling names = commas:
"Now, Spirit, you..."

There should be a "this" and a comma after "know."

A somewhat awkward word choice. I'd try "developed" or "first used."

It's not proper to end a sentence this way. A professor wouldn't. Try something like "that people noticed were avoided by Pokemon."

Since you've been referring to the rocks collectively, this should also be plural: "the rocks' natural power."

You ought to combine these two sentences with a comma.

You're missing a "to" there.

You should probably stick an "also" in there.

Typo: "we" should be "were."

The subject is "obelisks," so "was" should be "were."

Try "supercharged" instead of "super-powered." You can charge energy, but you can't power it.

Much of this paragraph is in past tense. It shouldn't be.

Typo: "had never road" should be "haven't ever ridden"

Typo: "Fell like" should be "feel like." There should also be a comma before "but."

"Once more" isn't entirely appropriate. He's seen the doors open, but never from the inside.

Awkward. "I see machines that I've never imagined before."

Typo: "my" should be "me."

You're missing a "the."

You're also missing the second line break after that paragraph.

Be aware that standard style is "Poke Ball."

"Dreamed" is probably more appropriate.

Ending a sentence with "to" is iffy. Try instead: "excited to know where I'm going"

Use "?" or "?!" instead of "!" and add a space after the right-hand quotation mark.

Awkward. Try: "I must be hyperventilating, because the world's getting black around the edges."

Are you using genders or not? Previously you'd referred to Torchic as "it." Stay consistent. Take a look at the pronouns you use throughout the story.

Meat...?
Oh, I see. Your reasoning is that he's never seen any actual Pokemon, let alone even their meat. A better way to phrase this:
"You have to realize that I've never seen a Pokemon before this. Not even a dead one used for meat."

I think "has" works better than "had."

You're going to need either a "the" or a "Light."

Present tense!

You never identified "it." Better version:
"However, my happiness is short-lived. It turns to worry when I hear..."

Try: "The Pokemon looks just as agitated as the Professor told me it would be."

You need a comma after "description."

"Head-on."

For small numbers, don't type the digits. Use "ten" instead of "10."

Electrocution can't be taken. Use "be electrocuted" instead.

You need a comma after "it." You also need a question mark at the end of the sentence, since this is a rhetorical question.

There is no one definitive fighting position. Use "a" instead of "the."

You need a comma after "know."

You need a comma after "on."

Typo: "you" should be "your."

You need to write it as "the moment the word 'scratch' leaves my lips."
Use quotation marks around "scratch."

You're missing a "to."

You can't sigh in the middle of a fight. Try "groans" or something.

You need a colon.

Comma! It's a called name.

The next paragraph has very simple sentence structure. You need to have a look here as well. The last sentence is kind of awkward. Try instead: "The attack sets the trees around us ablaze. It's terrifying and beautiful."

You need a comma after "body."

DETAIL
Can we see what you're saying?

Any world-building project lives or dies on its description. You do a good job. We get a good sense of this Minas Tirith-ey city.

You could always add more detail, though. Are the houses all the same? Just what are the borders between the rings like? What does the obelisk actually look like, and does it tower over the rest of the city? What kind of trees are in the forest? Is it a menacing forest? A peaceful one? A haunted one?
This can always be in the second installment, too.

You could describe the machines in Professor Light's lab and give us a sense of the tech level in this world.

Also, how does the silver elevator contrast with the ornate decorations of his house, and why is this unnerving? This wasn't properly explained.

I liked the laundry sequence, too. Ba da bump indeed.

PLAUSIBILITY
Does it make sense?

This is an original world. Plausibility is not a factor. You could have explained how the walls keep flying-type Pokemon out, though, or just clarified that the obelisk works in the air too.

LENGTH
Is it long enough?

Single capture.
Elekid (SIMPLE 5,000-1,000)
Length: 14,553 counting the preface.
You're good.

OVERALL
What did I think, personally?

A fun beginning to a fun series. I hope.

FINAL
To catch, or not to catch?

Spoiler

Capture successful! This was a fine story, if a bit short, and I hope to see more!