The Mountain and What Leads After It.

Another mountain-related story. I just love mountains. :awww:

Spoiler

Target: Ralts
Rank: Medium
Characters: 11,618

Here's the story. I hope you like it!

Spoiler

Mount Coronet, was very much of a pain. As with my experience with Mt. Mortar and Mt. Moon, I learned a valuable lesson: don’t go through a mountain, climb it instead. Though the scenery was beautiful, looking at all of Sinnoh from above, it served to be whether frigid encounter.

In preparation of my adventure, I purchased a load of winter and survival equipment. Not only did I need to keep warm, my Pokémon needed too. Now, I don’t know if cold air can enter a Pokéball, but just in case I made my team enter their respective balls with a blanket on, and then placed the ball in a fur bag.

Climbing equipment was also needed. Ropes, oxygen capsules, climbing boots, the usual. My bag was full of equipment and weighed a ton when I started my journey. A nice convenient path was already made. Climbing Mt. Coronet is more difficult than one would think. The path is zig-zag and therefore takes about 12 minutes to go up a meter. Day was quickly over and I was forced to make a campsite on the rugged terrain. I roasted berries for my Pokémon and me. After our short dinner, my Pokémon returned to their balls, and I entered by tent and went to sleep in my sleeping bag.

I woke up at 4:00 AM, according to my Pokétch. The air was cold I couldn’t bear the pain in my feet. I wore on three layers on socks, and still felt like nothing was on. Well, for the peak hours of dawn I was wide-awake, suffering through the cold. At around 6:30, I could see few rays of sun coming from the top of the mountain. I was on the west side on the mountain and therefore the mountain was blocking my only source of heat. I packed everything back into my backpack, then I started once again climbing the mountain.

I spent two days with almost the same routine: wake up freezing, pack, climb, eat, climb, settle down, build campsite, eat, sleep, and the cycle starts all over again. On the fourth day I was high enough I final reach the snowcapped peak. I decided to climb the peak in one day; sleeping here will be impossible. From Hoenn, naturally I have never seen snow. Neither have my Pokémon. I sent them out just for them to see the snow. Dustox promptly fainted due to the cold, and Heracross went back to its ball without me commanding it to. My Blaziken, Gyarados, and Aggron really didn’t mind. However, still I sent back into their balls.

While climbing I happened to encounter an Abomasnow resting on a pile of dead leaves. Tip-toeing here is impossible. The snow makes a slushing noise with every step and also the snow is deep, so you’ll have to trudge in it. When I was just about to walk pass the Abomasnow, I noticed a Snover next to it, awake. “If I scare this Snover, I’m screwed,” I thought. Then Snover had the most terrified face I had ever seen. It looked like it was about to scream or warn its mother. “Ssshhhh” I whispered to the Snover.

The Snover shrieked “SNOVER!” The Abomasnow woke up and stood up with the most pissed face you can imagine. The Snover was cried and hugging its mother and the mother saw a glimpse of me from the corner of her eye. “Abomasnow!” it screamed, creating a snow storm. It then shot a chain leaves from its arm at me. I ran down the mountain try to dodge the leaves. Rocks on my side were crackling and falling down. It created a landslide tumbling down after me. I ran horizontal to the mountain and evade the tumbling rocks. Abomasnow jumped high and landed right a couple meters in front of me. “Shich, I choose you!” I said sending out my Blaziken. The Abomasnow came charging at Shich with a glowing blue fist. “Protect” I commanded. Shich created a blue force field that Abomasnow hit, creating a cloud of smoke. “Now use Focus Energy!” I directed. Shich glowed in a red light, which shortly faded.

Abomasnow shot once again razor-sharp leaves, this time at Shich. “Protect!” I said to Shich. The force field shielded Shich and blocked the leaves, creating another large cloud of smoke. “Now use Blaze Kick” I commanded. Shich ran towards Abomasnow and before it could even realize what was happening, Shich strike it with a flaming kick towards the chest. Shich’s Speed Boost at work. “Now use Bulk Up!” I directed. Shich glowed in red. Abomasnow came charging again with a blue fist. “Jump and use Bulk Up,” I commanded. Shich jumped into the air, just in time to dodge the Ice Punch, and glowed in red. “Quick use Flare Blitz!” I instructed. As Blaziken was falling towards the earth, he surrounded himself with flames and made a head dive, with the target directed below.

As the smoke starting disappear, I see Shich standing and waiting for orders, with the Abamosnow fainted on the ground. I placed an Oran Berry in the Abomasnow’s mouth; a common practice I do to wild Pokémon I defeat in battle. The Snover came running towards its mother aid, while I returned Shich to its ball and continued walking.

Unfortunately, the incident wasting some crucial climbing time. I found a cluster of wooden cabins at the peak; it was a motel. I rented a cabin and slept very comfortably the entire night. As usual, I wake up 4 in the morning and continue my journey. I ate breakfast at the motel cafeteria (which is open 24/7) and finally in a long time, ate breakfast. I had a small dish with a cup of coffee and fed my Pokémon some brand of Pokémon kibble that was sold in a vending machine at the cafeteria.

A little before 6, I continued on with my journey; the sun rose so early, since the mountain wasn’t blocking the East. It was still so cold, even more than before. I trudged on through the snow, going downhill this time. Downhill is so much easier than uphill, however you do have to careful; one wrong step and you go sliding, not climbing, down the mountain.

It took me 2 days to finally near the end of the trail. After the two days, I was out of the “snow zone” and entered warmer area. While climbing down the trail I happened to meet a trainer. His name was Steven. When I met him, we chatted a bit and then he asked for a battle. I accepted the challenge. “Shich, I choose you!” I said, throwing Shich’s Pokéball. Shich appeared out as a red beam of light and then the light faded. “Gallade, I choose you!” said Steven sending out his Pokémon. This was the first time I have ever seen a Gallade. I pulled out my Pokédex and pointed it at the Gallade. “Gallade, the Blade Pokémon, and the evolved form of Kirlia. Gallade extends its elbows as if they were swords, and when protecting someone, it fights fiercely.” Said the robotic voice. “Wait, doesn’t Kirlia evolve into Gardevoir?” I asked. “Well, yes, but if the Kirlia is male, you can give it the Dawn Stone and it will evolve into a Gallade, instead of a Gardevoir,” Steven responded, “Anyway, Gallade use Double Team!” Figures of Gallade surrounded me and Shich. “Now use Psycho Cut!” Steven commanded. The Gallade around us had their elbow swords glow in purple and came towards Shich.

“Quick! Protect!” I instructed Shich. Shich surrounded himself with force field and all the figures disappear, except one. The Gallade jumped back and waited for instructions. “Shich! Bulk Up!” I directed. Shich glowed in red. “Gallade, use Shadow Ball” Steven commanded. A black ball came hurdling towards Shich. “Flamethrower!” I shouted. The pillar of flames made contact with the ball and created an explosion, followed with smoke. “Shich, use Flame Burst!” I instructed. A ball of flames came towards Gallade. “Teleport behind Blaziken,” commanded Steven. Gallade disappeared right before the flames were about to hit him. The flames hit a rock wall and created an explosion of flames and smoke. Gallade reappeared behind Shich. “Psycho Cut,” said Steven. A direct hit on Shich.

As Shich got up, Steven commanded another Psycho Cut, and therefore another hit on Shich. A third one was in the making. “Shich! Protect!” I yelled. Gallade hit the force field and created a cloud of smoke. “Shich, High Jump Kick!” I said. Shich swiftly turned around and leaped. A sharp kick to the chest for Gallade which sends him flying. “Flamethrower!” I directed. The pillar of flames came at the Gallade, a hit, and the usual smoke. “Brave Bird, let’s go!” I instructed, trying to keep up the pressure. Blaziken jumped up and flew towards Gallade as the form of a bright light. A large explosion occurred with Gallade trying to get up and Blaziken standing patiently for orders. “Gallade, use Double Team!” Steven commanded. Gallade jumped up and fake Gallade appeared all over the field. “Blaziken, jump and use Flame burst on the ground,” I directed. Blaziken jumped up high and shot a ball of flames towards the ground. I jumped behind a rock for cover, while Steven stood watching. The Flame Burst created an explosion, filling flames all around the area, the Gallade disappeared, while the real one took damage and came hurdling towards the ground, knocked out.

Steven gave his Gallade a Sitrus Berry and did the same to Shich. It was almost dark at the time, so together we made a campsite and slept in our own tents. Steven was born here in Sinnoh and knows the region like the back of his hand. He said his first Pokémon was a Ralts (the Gallade he has now), which his father caught for him not to far from where we were. I made up my mind and decided to catch a Ralts, so I could get a Gallade.

In the morning, we went our separate ways and I continued on my journey. At around noon, I have reached the bottom of Mt. Coronet, the place where Steven claims Ralts live. I spent almost all day in the grass trying to find a Ralts. At dusk I made my way to Hearthome City, where I made my stay in a motel.

First thing in the morning, I got up and went towards Route 208 to find my Ralts. I found only Bidoof, Zubat, and Machop. I returned to Hearthome City at dusk. On my third day, I was losing the will to continue on trying to find a Ralts. Then another thought occurred to me, the Ralts would have to be a male, making my chances lower. I started searching and got Zubat and Psyduck all day long. It was almost dusk I decided if the next encountered wasn’t a Ralts, I would give up. I searched all over the grassy area, until I heard sometime munching behind me. I turned around and saw a Ralts eating a berry.

“Sally, I choose you!” I said throwing out a Great Ball. My Dustox, named Sally appeared fit and ready for battle. The Ralts saw the start of the battle, and quickly finished its snack, then let out a cry. “Sally, use Quiver Dance!” I commanded. Sally turned red, signifying the stat increase. The Ralts then shot out a sparking beam of light towards Dustox. A direct hit. Sally started to get dizzy from the Confusion. The Ralts quickly used Psychic on a boulder and throw it at Dustox. “Dodge it!” I directed Sally. Sally flew downwards and evade the rock. What a smart tactic to use against Bug types.

“Sally use Bug Buzz!” I commanded. Sally let out a shriek that sound like a chainsaw. Ralts was blown back and then used Charm. It struck out with a cute position, trying to lower the Sp. Attack of Sally. It worked though; Sally, glowed in blue. “Sally use Bug Bite!” I directed. Sally flew up high and came diving down and bit Ralts on its head. A critical hit. The Ralts was injured and couldn’t get up.

This was my chance. “Go Ultra Ball!” I shouted throwing an Ultra Ball at the Ralts. The Ultra Ball hit the Ralts, making the Ralts turn into a red beam on light entering the ball. The ball fell on the floor, and starting shaking and wiggling. The Ralts is trying hard to escape the ball, it’s just too exhausted to fight back. It tries, though; the ball is still shaking in the grass.

 

I'll grade it.

 

There are actually a lot of active graders around. People have times of claiming every story they can right away, and some prefer to keep their claims few and far between with excellent quality grades.

 

Introduction: Though you have a solid introduction that introduces your character as a mountain climber, it's not particularly exciting. What introductions generally strive for is some element of mystery to get readers curious, and I think it's missing from yours.

There's also a few misplaced commas. I'll talk about grammar more later, but basically it sounds like you're interrupting yourself. That sort of thing can disrupt your reader's focus and throw them off from concentrating on the story. There's a stray comma in your very first sentence, which is bad because that's when you really want to make a good impression.

Plot: It's always fun to come up with a surprising or unconventional chracter, because that's how we avoid the deadliest of all story-killers: the cliche. So, keeping that it mind, you start out well, introducing a character who prefers to climb mountains rather then go through them.

The problem here, I think, is that you never go into much detail about this character and you totally could. I don't know if we even learn his name, which isn't great because telling your reader more about your character is a good way to get them to care about the outcome of the story.

This character is portrayed as a serious mountain climber, but this is the first time he's seen snow? He never saw it before during any previous mountain climbing trips? How did that happen, and why? You could be way more detailed here.

Also, you skip between past and present tense a lot. For the most part, you'll want to choose one tense and keep it consistent through the entire story to avoid throwing your reader off. I'd suggest past tense because it tends to be easiest, especially for less experienced writers, and lots of stories are written that way.

You do end in a somewhat cliched way, without telling whether the Pokémon is caught. Even though you're trying to catch a Pokémon with the story, you don't have to actually write that uncertainty into the story.

Grammar: I think your biggest issue is misplaced commas and sometimes sentences that are just badly worded. Here's your first couple sentences:

It should look something more like this:

In some of your sentences, it's really hard to tell what you're trying to say. You could try saying them in your head before you write them down to see if they make sense.

Also, it would look more natural if you had typed out the word versions of the numbers as opposed to the numerals, like two instead of 2. It makes it seem much more like a regular story.

There's a whole conversation here, but it's hard to follow because you've crammed it all into a single paragraph. The bits of dialogue should be separated out from each other, like so:

It's much easier for the reader to follow when it's separated out.

Description: Some of the descriptions are really good, but you have a lot of source material that you could use in order to add much more. Instead of just mentioning snow, describe it, the way it looks, and the way it makes you feel. If you paint the picture better for the reader, the world that you are writing about becomes much more realistic.

Length: 11643 according to my character counter. That's a bit above the bottom end of the Medium range, and you definitely could have made it longer if you had wanted to focus the story more on the mountain-climbing struggle then on the Pokémon battle (which would have been more creative and interesting, I think).

Verdict: In conclusion, Ralts is not caught. This is a somewhat rehashed version of the old 'boy walks into forest, catches Pokémon'. That works fine for very low ranked stories, but for a harder one like this that already has mistakes, I'm going to deny the capture. If you want to try to edit it and then ask for a regrade, you're welcome to.

 

Well, it wouldn't have killed you to mention me.

Since I got no choice but to write for Ralts, I'll revise my entry and put it up again for grading.

 

Oh, sorry. I forget sometimes, because I always see when there's a new post in Stories. Anyways, you could also do art or make a story deal with someone else if you're dead-set on Ralts.

 

What's a story deal?

 

A story deal is when you have another player write a story for the Pokémon you want, and then pay them for it, usually by buying a TM case of the approximate value of the Pokémon captured. They would tell you which TMs they want.

Here's the link: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f396/story-deals-r-us-171674/