The Magikarp That Tweeted (Feedback Welcome)

Wanted Pokemon: Magikarp
Needed Characters: 3k
Actual Characters: 4196
NOTE TO GRADER. PLEASE READ: This story is very different than other ones on the URPG. As a fellow grader, I'll ask you to please grade this a little differently. I wouldn't try this for a Pokemon of any other difficulty, but since Magikarp is an easiest I thought I would give this a shot. Since this is supposed to be a Twitter feed, there's not much description and no dialogue, so please focus more on grammar, plot, intro, and characters. Thanks. hew:

Magikarp<3 This is Arlyn the Magikarp....Just found this thing called twitter when a human dropped a laptop into my pond. Seems pretty fun. I'll be sure to update regularly. 1 Month Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I've been thinking of trying to find a trainer soon. Sitting around here is boring. Can anybody help me? 29 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I told some of my friends I wanted to find a trainer. They don't think I'm strong enough. I'll show them. 28 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I was almost caught today! A trainer pulled me up on a fishing rod but he accidentally threw me back. 27 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 Another trainer threw me back today....He said something about me being too weak. Am I too weak? 26 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I'm starting a new daily training routine: Do 100 laps a day and eat nothing but kelp. 25 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 Okay, so my training was a little ambitious. I broke down after a few minutes. Maybe I'll just battle like everyone else. 24 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I was in my first battle today against another Magikarp. We both splashed around a lot until we fainted. It was a tie. 23 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 Another battle today. This time I got cocky and battled a Goldeen. I lost badly. I need to learn a new move besides Splash. 22 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I've been trying to figure out how to do something called “Tackle”. Apparently, it's one of the best moves I can learn. 21 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 In a battle against one of my Magikarp friends, I almost used Tackle! It might have just been me sneezing though... 20 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I did it for real today! Victory here I come! I know Tackle and Splash! No one can beat me! 19 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 Someone beat me....It was a stupid Poliwag from across the pond. Stupid purple tadpole.... 18 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 Today was better than yesterday. I beat a couple Pokemon and met a girl...She's a Finneon. I like her. 17 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 The Finneon from yesterday told me her name is Neon. It's a common name, but pretty. We're meeting up tomorrow. 16 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I am super excited! Neon says she's going to help me train. She says I can change into another Pokemon if I try hard enough. 15 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 Neon is so good at battling! She's helping me get really strong. We're camping out at the edge of the pond tonight to train. 14 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 Wow am I tired....I trained for almost 24 hours straight. It's a lot of fun when I'm with Neon though. 13 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I'm confused guys. What happens to Neon if I get captured? I won't be able to see her anymore. Maybe this isn't such a great idea.... 12 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 Neon told me that I should follow my dream no matter what, even if it means she can't see me. She looked sad though.... 11 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I decided if I get captured I'll come back for her someday. Neon liked that idea better. I hope I get to spend a little while longer with her though... 10 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I didn't finish training today. I don't feel so great. I think I might be sick. I'm going to sleep early. 9 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 OMG! When I woke up, I was way bigger! I'm blue now too! Neon told me I “evolved”. I don't know what I'm called now, but I'm not a Magikarp. 8 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I'm so powerful, I can't even believe it! I can beat everyone in the pond now. A trainer will have to want me now, but I didn't see any today. 7 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 Neon and I are spending as much time together as possible. She says that any day we might be separated... 6 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 Big news! I heard from a Psyduck that stops by every now and then that a bunch of humans are coming tomorrow. 5 Days Ago via Web

Magikarp<3 I just said goodbye to Neon. There are humans near the surface....I'm going to go check them out. If I don't come back.... 4 Days Ago via Web


NeonFin13 Ummm....Hello. This is Neon. Arlyn wanted me to tell you guys he got captured. I miss him, but I'm glad he's happy. Hope he comes back soon...Guess that's all. 1 Day Ago via Web

 

Story/Plot: While definitely innovative, the story was a little too simple for me. Yes, it's for a Magikarp, but that doesn't mean anything can slide for one easily. First off, I want to mention about the inclusion of Finneon in your plot. I really don't know why but it freshened up your story and created that "awww" atmosphere that becomes difficult to not read on.

Unfortunately, I thought that you could have elaborated much more. Yes, this is a Twitter-feed style, but it looks more like a summary backlog of a story instead. I thought that the story could have became better if you still maintained the style that you're going with, but elaborate more on specific scenes. It doesn't mean that just because you want to go with this style, you can't incorporate the normal style of writing in it. For example, you could have included the normal parts around stages where the Magikarp had switched off the laptop, what was happening then? And besides, speaking of plot, the part where the laptop that was dropped into the pond was comical, but unrealistic. I could have taken it with a pinch of salt but you could have at least elaborated a little. How exactly is it still functioning?

On an overview, I thought you could have "styled" your Twitter style better too. Since that is a contrasting point that separates this from any other kind of story, it becomes important for you to create that "well-packaged" image. By simply writing ? Days Ago via Web, it came to me as unoriginal instead and becomes bland. Obviously, I don't want you to be like over-exaggerated on a simple piece of phrase, but simply, either utilizing symbols or colors, and to also significantly box it up with w/e kind of stuff, will make the story look better instead. You could also have had some kind signing off message that tells people that what is the Magikarp going to do now. For a random example, "Arlyn signing off ~ UNDERWATER BUFFET!". It becomes more comical depending on whatever stuff you include and it will serve to help reader get like the "Oh, he is going to do that next" kind of feeling, as well as creating a individualistic style. That is also then, that you can continue on to turn it into a narrative style and perhaps it was when the Magikarp was at the buffet, that he met the Finneon. :O

Grammar/Spelling: Nothing worth mentioning.

Length: WHY DOES THIS SECTION EXIST

Details/Description: Although you specifically told me to not concentrate on this part, I am still gonna touch a little bit. Continuing on from the suggestion of incorporating both this current style, and the normal way of writing, you could have then included the various descriptions when the laptop is switched off. I think that that would have worked better imo.

For all stories, regardless of what they are, a little description is always a must. They provide the general visualization that a reader can put in his head while he reads on. That is why, I suggested you to combine a script style of writing together with the normal one. In fact, I think it would have been even more interesting if you manage to do that.

Battle: blah

AGAIN LIKE WHAT I SAID EARLIER.

Touching on more, this could then become part of a narrative depiction. One of the main focus of this story was about how the Finneon helped the Magikarp by teaching it how to battle better, and it became kind of redundant when I had no idea what exactly is better. I thought that if you included the narrative depiction and showed us what exactly did the Finneon teach, not only will you then have a battle section, it will then become a showcase of how much Magikarp improved and what did Finneon teach it exactly.

Outcome: I seriously tried hard to grade this from another point of view. However, the thought of this story actually looking a lot like a simple summary backlog instead put me off greatly. Especially when you could have incorporated the combination of style like I said, which would have really made the story much much much better, I decided to be a jerk. :bawl:

So ... Magikarp not captured. If you want this Magikarp still, simply try the way that I've listed to incorporate both styles of writing. I think that this story would become quite a good read once you've achieved that. Please either bold, underline, or color your changes so that I can see them.

PM/VM me for a regrade when your ready.

 

I think I may be the first person to fail a capture for a Magikarp after writing more than one story. -_- I'll work on it.