The Magby Who Sailed The World! Part One! *GRADED*

Hello, I am trying to capture Magby in this story. 5k - 10k
It is 7,689 without spaces.
It is 9,288 with spaces.
This is the first part of a series of stories focusing on Magby and the Pokèmon he meets in the story.
But anyway... to the story!

Chapter One
"The Sun Of A Legend"​

A scorching wall of fire arose before my eyes and prevented me from running any further. I fell to the ground, attempting to scuttle away from the towering flames, but they washed over me in one ruthless movement.
Although I was a “fire type”, as my master called me, this heat was unbearable.
I let out a fear ridden howl, calling for help, but it was useless; my invisible attacker had no mercy. Flames engulfed the whole battlefield which was a plateu upon an active volcanoe. I could feel the magma energy benetah me, pulsating upwards. Between the hiss of the flames and my own terrified whimpers, I heard an all too familiar chuckle and from behind the shimmering fire, a figure stepped forward, daunting, terrifying, with his slick white eyes, ruby red body, yellowish orange scales and pulsating, uneven skull… he came into full focus. The master’s most powerful servant, his most loyal enforcer and also, my father, Magmar.

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“End this Magmar!” The master’s voice bellowed, signalling yet another failure on my part.

Magmar obeyed our shared master’s command and began to draw power from the luminescent orb in the sky. The sun delivered Magmar his almighty strength and enabled him to defeat his enemies so effortlessly.

“Come on Magby! Won’t you fight back?” The master laughed manically.

The master, better known as Blaine, strongly disliked me. As the son of his cherished Magmar he expected great things from me, but I have not satisfied him and so he pushes me through severe training exercises, sending me against the likes of Houndoom, Rapidash and even my father, Magmar, who is even more disappointed then Blaine. I have never won a battle under Blaine’s training and as he is the gym leader of this island, I am practically useless.

I am just a disappointment to my father and to my master, I need to get away from here and find somewhere where I belong.

But for now, I had to brace myself for this incoming “Fire blast!”

As I drifted out of consciousness, Blaine and Magmar both approached me, glaring down at my injured being with disgust.

“Return…” Blaine sighed as I felt my body dematerialize.

The golden sun which cast its everlasting light over me fell into oblivion. The heavens seemed to be stolen from my view and the ground beneath me was torn from my senses. Once again, I was trapped within this prison, my prison which Blaine called, Pokèball.

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Spending time within the dark confines of the Pokèball presented me with an abundance of time to think.
I am a Pokémon known as Magby and as I mentioned before I am a fire type.
I have lived within the master’s gym since the beginning of my life.
Since then I have been forced to take part in battles and harsh training programmes which I fail to accomplish each and every time, much to the dismay of both my father and master, Blaine.

We Pokémon are not meant to be exposed to such ferocious behaviour, battling and fighting one another, it is a dangerous art and one which I prefer not to take part in. But unlike myself, my father Magmar is dedicated to battling and therefore craves for me to follow him in his footsteps.

But no matter how hard I try, I will never be a fighter. Never will I reach the dreams and expectations of my father.

Suddenly, my master’s voice came into clear focus and detached me from my trail of thoughts…

“Come, Magby!” Blaine ordered, with a dark tone to his voice.

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The sun was the first thing I noticed as I was released from my prison, followed by the pale blue sky and then finally my master’s frightening grey eyes. Blaine threw his arm forward, signalling an attack towards my opponent. I stood still, reluctant to move, not wanting to take part in another battle.

“Move Magby or I’ll get Magmar to roast you in another battle!” Blaine threatened.

I turned my back to Blaine to study my opponent. Before me stood a round creature, with an outer shell composed of a dark greenish rock and from this core shell protruded arms and legs.

“Golem! Use Earthquake!” the Pokémon’s trainer commanded.

Golem leaped eight or nine feet into the air and came crashing down into the earth beneath sending a ripple of energy through the ground, the shockwaves tore through my body causing excruciating pain to pulsate through me.

“Magby use Flamethrower!” Blaine yelled with sheer doubt shrouding his voice.

But I did not. I turned to Blaine and stared deep into his merciless eyes and inhaled. With adrenaline and excitement at the prospect of what I was doing smothered my thoughts, I released a gush of thick black smoke.

“Magby! What do you think your-“ Blaine spluttered through the cloud of smog.

I began to run, to escape form this prison, to be free from the pain and torture. I passed the Golem who stared at me in shock and surprise, the trainer of Golem also shared the same expression.

“Magby!! RETURN!” Blaine’s fading voice roared as I raced into the distance, dodging the red light of the Pokèball with pure determination.

“Go Arcanine! Houndoom! Bring that weakling back to me!” Blaine shouted full of rage. Together, both Arcanine and Houndoom appeared before me, the two canine Pokémon snarled and growled attempting to intimidate me.

I looked into the distance; all around me was barren wasteland. Ash layered the dirt brown rocks which were positioned carefully by Blaine in order to mark the gym arena.

I was done for. Blaine would punish me severely for attempting to escape. I would be brought before my father and scorched until I wished my life was over. . . then I saw it.

Off to my right, across a short patch of rock, gravel and ash was a ledge and over that ledge? Well, I didn’t know myself, but anything was better than the fate I was about to experience.

I stood up and glared towards the two beasts towering above me, I trembled slightly then took a deep breath in, ‘It’s now or never Magby! Do it!’ I thought, and that was all I needed. I turned without another hesitation and didn’t look back, I seemed to be travelling in slow motion but time now was irrelevant, for I was at the edge of the “ledge” which in fact turned out to be a cliff. Now I was falling, crashing towards the ocean beneath me, wind tearing past my existence and the water coming closer, calling me, and beckoning me to my demise.

My thoughts began to slip. I felt my body be pulverised by the brute force of the under water current. Blaine used to always say, “Water is strong against fire” but I never knew how strong. This pain was insurmountable, I felt my life slip away from me, this was nothing like when I lost a battle. My very existence was fading, everything stopped… one thought seared an imprint in my mind, ‘What have I done’?

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“Eeeurrgghhhhh” …
“Eeurrghhh!” …

‘What's that noise?’

I opened my eyes. I expected to be back in the clutches of Blaine with my father standing above me, empowered with rage, but this is not what I saw. All around me was various destroyed things, such as chairs, tables, trees and even some clothes.

‘Where was I?’ I thought.

My eyes erratically studied the room, drawing in every image I could collect. The walls seemed to be made of a dark pink substance; the floor was soft and moist. The smell of seaweed was dominant and a steady pulse seemed to echo throughout the ‘room’. It was as if the room was alive…

“Hello!” I called out, fear causing a tremble in my voice.
“Is anybody here?” I questioned, throwing my voice into the oblivion around me.

Thankfully, I got a reply, but it was not the reply I expected. It was the same noise as before, except louder and more menacing.

“Eeeurrgghhhhh!!” the noise echoed.

I yelped, taken aback and fled behind one of the numerous, destroyed, furniture. I began to quiver as soft footsteps came into earshot. In the distance was a round shaped creature holding various items and stumbling as it approached me. I didn’t dare talk.

The creature, who was most definitely a Pokémon cursed and stomped as it held an item in its hand. I couldn’t make out exactly what it was.

“Magby? Can you light this lantern?” a husky voice spoke.

I flinched at the mention of my name, but cautiously drew myself from behind the furniture and approached the Pokémon.

“I…I…” I stuttered, terrified.

“Don’t worry Magby! I am not here to hurt you…” The voice said, this time slightly softer.

I felt as if the mysterious Pokémon was telling the truth and so I exhaled a small ember to set the lantern alight. The light from the lantern cast a wide radius of vision for me and I could now see the full body of the Pokémon. It was a round, robust Pokémon with an egg in a pouch on the front of its stomach. It had small curls on the side of its head and stood in elegant pose.

“Hello Magby, I am Chansey, we saved you!” the pink Pokémon revealed.

“You… saved me?” I questioned doubtfully.

Chansey nodded, “I saw you while I was looking out over the sea and getting fresh air, I need fresh air living down here…”

I gazed around me, studying the ‘room’ once again.

“Where exactly is ‘down here’” I asked as Chansey drew a big smile upon her face.

Chansey turned and lifted her arms in a greeting manner.

“Welcome to my home and the inside of Wailord!” she shouted excitedly.

I stared at her in disbelief but was proven wrong when Wailord let out another bellow… “Eeeurrgghhhhh!”

Chansey began to chuckle.
“He says Hello!”

 

Re: The Magby Who Sailed The World! (Please Grade)

I was looking over some other stories and noticed people leaving comments. Feel free to leave comments here as I think it gives alot of helpful feedback to the writer.

Thank you. :3

 

Re: The Magby Who Sailed The World! (Please Grade)

Hai there.

I AM NOT A GRADER
this is all just my opinion laid out like a real grade.



Introduction:
All fine here, a fair character into for Magby and Magmar, a bit less so on Blaine, but everyone knows who he is. I'm not sure if taking advantage of the fact that everyone knows Blaine is a good thing, but... *Lets it slide*

Plot:
This area started out okay, but the ending seemed slightly rushed. But this is a simple story, so I can't complain about anything if it is different to the standard "Noob Trainer leaves home town and catches Pokémon" (Wow look at me, I sound like a real grader :3)

Detail: IMO, this is where you failed the most. At the start of the story, there is no description for the location of the characters, or anything relating to setting the scene.
In fact, all I know is that the sun was visible. The next scene, with the battle and the escape, was a little better, but still lacking. The last scene inside the Wailord was the best so far, because it actually gave the reader a clear image of the location. In future, I advise you pay more attention to detail.

Length
All good here.

Battle:
There was barely any battle scenes, and although they aren't a requirement, they do make things more exciting.

Catching:There was no catching. That is VERY BAD.
Well, it doesn't really HAVE to be an actual "Capture", but the Pokémon was not acquired by anyone in anyway. That is not really a good thing at all.

OVERALL (FAKE) GRADE
This grade does not reflect the opinions of any real licensed grader
Magby: NOT CAPTURED
Read the section on capturing. And to some extent, detail.

 

Re: The Magby Who Sailed The World! (Please Grade)

Claimed for Grading.

 

Re: The Magby Who Sailed The World! (Please Grade)

Thank you friend

 

Re: The Magby Who Sailed The World! (Please Grade)

No problem. ^^

By the way, as a note to TGT: it's not necessary to physically capture the target Pokemon in a story in order for the capture to be successful. For an example of a story that's still successful in capturing the target Pokemon but doesn't include the physical capture of it, see this thread. Just something I felt I should point out to you for your own future stories.

Before I get into this, I should note that using italics is generally reserved for thoughts, sounds, and emphasis in stories. If you want to make your story look more aesthetically pleasing, try using one of the fonts available when posting. Simply highlight your message, click into the fonts menu above the post area, and select the font of your choice. Your story will look stylized without having to use italics.

Introduction:

I thought that this introduction was very well done. It does a good job of drawing the reader into the story and gives personality to the main character, all in one fell swoop. Almost immediately after I started reading this story, I had the question of why Magby would have to endure what it was enduring in the opening moments, and that definitely kept me interested as it was revealed in the story. The description of Magmar's entrance was particularly well done.

Overall, I have no complaints in this area. Good job!

Plot:
Having been abused by its trainer, a Gym Leader named Blaine, a Magby plots an escape, far away from its current home where it will never be able to satisfy anyone. When it is next released for a Gym battle, it Smokescreens the field and leaps from a cliff into the ocean. It wakes up to find itself in the mouth of a Wailord, and a Chansey welcomes it to its new home.

Pinocchio, is that you?

While Pokemon abuse in a story is nothing new, this definitely takes it in an unorthodox direction, which I think adds to its overall value as a story.

One thing that I noticed is that the plot dies down very quickly at the end, and feels unfinished. This is both good and bad. It's good because it has the makings of a continuation, meaning you don't have to work as hard to come up with something for the next Pokemon you want. It's bad because, without that finished feeling, the story can't really stand on its own. If you had given us further exploration of the two characters that Magby met when he fell into the sea, and then showed us that Magby finally has a sense of belonging in this place, it would have felt much more finished. Sailing off into the sunset would have earned bonus points, but that's not required.

The plot looks to have a lot of potential, don't get me wrong. I just believe that more could've been done with it in order to allow it to stand on its own. Even if you're planning a continuation, you have to think about books published in real life that have continuations: the stories in the series are independent projects and can stand on their own, but they also connect to other stories in that series and enhance the overall experience if a reader has gone through other books in the series before reading that one book.

Overall, I liked the plot for its originality, but I thought that more could have been done with it. It's not like your story is capped at 10,000 characters, or anything, so I encourage you to keep writing in the future if it feels unfinished. This wasn't much of a determining factor in the Grade thanks to your target Pokemon, so it's something to watch for in the future.

By the way, if this is going to be continued, it might be a good idea to use "Part 2" in the title of your continuation thread. Just a thought.

Dialogue:
There wasn't too much dialogue in this, which is understandable, seeing as how Magby couldn't really communicate with anyone until the end of the story. I got the impression of the tyrannical character that you were depicting Blaine as here, so the dialogue didn't lack in personality. I'll go over my thoughts on that in the Details section.

Grammar:
There were a few things worth noting here, so I'll show you them and how to correct them in the future, all right?

I should note before I start that I'm from the US, so if I point something out as a misspelling and it's not considered misspelled in standard English, I apologize.

Let's take a look at your introductory paragraph:

First off, it's usually better to double-space between paragraphs for the convenience of the Graders. I saw that you did this in some places but not others; in the future, it would probably be best to double-space between every new paragraph in your stories, like so:

Now that that's out of the way, I should point out that I noticed a few misspellings throughout the story, indicated in bold above. The best way to remedy this is to use a Word processor when typing your stories up, as it will point out any misspellings for you. The corrected version:

Lastly, there are some punctuation errors in here; I found some areas that could use a mark but didn't have one, and some areas used an inappropriate mark. Here's an example from the above excerpt:

Hmm...this could use a comma in the middle. Let's put it in:

Try reading your story out loud every now and again. If you have to pause at any time mid-sentence during your reading, that area probably needs a punctuation mark of some kind.

Here's another example:

Here, you used too many commas. Let's mix up the punctuation a bit, and put in some more appropriate marks:

Using other punctuation marks in that quote allowed the story to flow better and still get across the point of that section.

Oh, and before I forget, I'd like to point out a slight nitpick that will be helpful for your future stories. I noticed three word usage errors in particular in your story, as quoted below:

While each word sounds fancier than the words you were substituting, they are used incorrectly in their context. In general, "upon" is used in an observation, such as, "sitting upon the rock". In this case, "on top of" would have been more appropriate. "Between" indicates two objects surrounding something, whereas the hissing flames and whimpers are abstract, and don't have physical form; here, "amongst" would have been better. Finally, "within" would have been better as "inside of" (don't you hate it when you can't think of the reason, but know it's correct? xD).

Colorful language is encouraged in stories, but if it interrupts an otherwise smooth-flowing paragraph, you should stick with something less fancy. In the end, that lack of color is made up for by an uninterrupted flow, which is more important overall. It's nitpicking, but I think it's worth noting for your future works.

Detail and Description:
You gave Blaine a tyrannical personality towards Magby, and while it was implied that this feeling of resentment was because Magby wasn't an effective battler, it didn't really go with Blaine's character. Typically, I look at him as a man with a fiery personality, but not so much so that he'd treat his Pokemon with no respect.

Other than that, you went into good detail about everything, especially considering your target Pokemon. Putting detail into the Gym arena wasn't necessary because a Pokemon would grow used to its surroundings if it saw them every day, so there'd be no reason for Magby to describe the Gym. The detail of the inside of Wailord was very good; as I said above, it reminded me of Pinocchio, which left a smile on my face.

As I said above, if this will spawn a continuation, you should definitely put more detail into the personalities of Magby's new sailing mates, Chansey and Wailord, because I felt that their characters were lacking in that department. Otherwise, good job on this section.

Battle:
The battles here were really one-sided, which was kind of off-putting. I can understand that Magby isn't meant to battle, but expanding on the battles a little more would have only helped your story get better. The description of the attacks and their effects on poor little Magby was excellent, though.

In the future, if you go for something more difficult, make the battles longer. You won't have trouble describing the attacks in detail thanks to the amount of detail about them I saw in this story, but a good battle in a story is always praised in the Grade afterward.

As a note, you could have incorporated Magby's Smokescreen into the battle a bit better by having Blaine order that attack to disorient the Golem. When the smoke cleared, it could have had a good head-start on Blaine. Just a thought.

Length:
Magby is in the Simple category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 5,000 to 10,000 characters. Your story is 9,288 characters; this is pretty close to the maximum suggested length. Great job!

Outcome:
Drum roll, please...

...

Gotcha! Magby was caught!

While there are a lot of things for you to work on (as noted above), I can see lots of potential in your writing from this story, so I have no doubt that you'll implement them in the future. Besides, the plot was original and the details were good, so the reward of this Magby is justified, in my opinion.

Enjoy your catch!