*-The Jewel Of Life-* Grade it for SWC!!!

*- The Jewel Of Life-*
Warning: if you don't like gore or cursing LEAVE NOW! No seriously I banish thee. ​

A light gust of wind blew down the dark, almost-deserted alleyway. The boy shivered as the cool wind brushed against his soft skin. The moon shone down intensely from above, providing the only source of light. The boy stumbled over a large crack in the cobbled pavement. He hit the earthen ground, hard. Trying not to cry, he stood up shakily, brushed away a lone tear that was trickling down his rosy cheek and began walking nervously.

He held his breath, trying not to breathe in the rancid stench of the open steel bins, that littered the alleyway. Rubbish had been strewn all along the floor by starving Pokemon ardent for some morsel of food.

Suddenly the lid of one of the bins clattered noisily to the floor. He cursed loudly as a light shone on the boy, followed by the voice he hoped he would never hear again.

"Well lookie here. Looks like we've found the little brat. Hello sunshine, enjoy your little holiday?" the voice jeered.

A large figure emerged out of the shadows. As he approached the boy he walked into the boys line of sight. The man's fists clenched tightly around something that was in his hand. The boy stared at the hand timidly, aware of what it contained.

The man threw the torn piece of paper to the floor, before grabbing the boy by the scruff of the neck and carting him off. The paper fell gracefully to the dark, dirty floor.

-~~~-​

The boy had been thrown into his room when they arrived home. He looked around the room, fuming. He needed to hit something. The room was small and cosy, with a small window next to his bed. Of the few possessions he owned, nothing looked soft enough to hit, except for his pillow. He struck it with his fists for a moment before stopping. It reminded him of how his father had beaten him several moments beforehand. His arms fell to his sides clumsily and he sat down on an upturned, wooden storage crate next to his bed.

He looked out the window at the full moon. He needed to escape soon, but how? He tried the windows and the sirvent for the umpteenth time to find that, like every other occasion, they were clasped down tightly. The single, light flickered out of existence, sending him into a realm of darkness.

-~~~-​

James glanced around nervously. He was in a a wide clearing. Trees of many different shapes and sizes branched out overhead, filterring all sunlight from outside the forest. The earth underneath James was a rich brown colour and moist to touch. His arms felt numb and a drop of crison blood fell from a cut on his temple onto the blades of grass below. James' head was throbbing with pain and panic began to set in when he realised how dire the situation really was.

"Riiiiish, riiiiish," a soft voice moaned in agony from somewhere up ahead.

James jumped with fright and peered through the thick undergrowth, wondering where the noise came from. Seeing nothing, he pushed some of the branches out of his way roughly. He entered another clearing, that gradually rose upwards to form a large, vegetated hill. James sighed when he realised he would have to climb ... all he wanted right now was to get some sleep. He fought the pain coming from his arms and tried to ignore the peircing headache.

James climbed the large hill. He had a very strange feeling that he shouldn't do it, but the trees and bushes seemed to be taunting him. A gnarled branch prodded him in the back, knocking him to his feet. As he turned around, wincing from the pain he caught a glimpse of a small fungus-like Pokemon. It had an innocent look on it's face as though it hadn't just struck James with a branch, although it clearly had.

James glared at it and had just pulled out a Pokeball when he lost his balance and fell down the hill. His fall seemed to happen in slow-motion. He plummetted down as though there was no ground stopping him from falling. Then he landed on something soft and cushiony. James' Pokeball rolled out of his hand innocently as James fell unconscious.

-~~~-​

James' beady eyes darted open. He scanned the area, not sure if it was real or not. It was almost impossible to see as the lights were turned off and no windows were in the room. He struggled to get up, but something was binding him, trapping him. His efforts to remove the tightly-wrapped straightjacket were useless. He lay there motionlessly in bed for several moments, pondering about what had happened. After a few minutes his eyes had become adjusted to the darkness, allowing him to see the room vaguely. His eyes became transfixed on the large, stainless-steel doors and the thick, white-washed curtein wall.

Slowly the door knob twisted around clockwise and a person enterred the strange prison-like room. The person fumbled around with the light panel for a second or two, blissfully unaware that James was awake. Three flourescent lights above lit up, illuminating the room. The perosn appeared to be a nurse of some kind. She was wearing a plain, White dress with a red cros in the middle. She was wearing a small White nurse's cap and her chestnut-brown hair was tied up behind her hair. She looked kind, yet strict. When she turned around she had a big, forced snipe on her face.

"Good morning James. You had quite the night didn't you?" she asked. When James didn't answer she continued, "I hope you realise you kept half of the staff awake last night with your piercing screams. I have sent for Doctor Melvin to try and help with your night terrors," she said casually. "I have something for you,0 she chimed, before pulling out a cheap, plastic plant from behind her back. "And here is your hallucinagenic tablets. Just one thing before I go, can you remember me today?"

James was really startled. He was positive he had never seen her before, but there was something about her that seemed vaguely familar. He shook his hand, still slightly baffled.

"Well, I'm not too surprised. You have forgotten me everyday for the last six years..." she trailed off. The nurse placed the tray, with the plastic plant, the bright orange tablets and a class of water, on a table next to James' bed, which he failed to notice before.

The door opened again and a Drowzee enterred, wraing a doctors uniform. He had a stethoscope around his dark yellow neck. James stared in amazement.

"Hello. I'm Doctor Melvin," he said calmly. "I've come to run a few tests on you," he added.

James could not believe his eyes. A Pokemon had just talked to him. His mouth dropped widely in surprise.

"Hold out your leg please," he said to James, while he retrieved a small, silver stick-shaped object.

The straightjacket did not restrict James legs as it was designed to allow him to walk. James put his right leg out tentatively. The Drowzee tapped James' leg twice, before muttering "intriguing..."

Then the Drowzee put it's paws in James mouth. James jumped back in surprise.

"Calm down son. I'm a qualified doctor."

"Okay, just give me a second," James replied.

He reached down and tried to grab the hallucenagenic tablets from the table, along with the glass of water, but the plant's petals seemed to open up forming a mouth. It bit down hard on James' hands causing him to yelp and move his hand.

"Tsk tsk tsk. We can't have any of this now," the Drowzee said with a very twisted smile. James knocked the plant off of the table. The pot shattered when it hit the ground and James swallowed the orange tablets, to the Drowzee's dismay.

As soon as he swallowed the tablets he saw a completely different sight. Before him, he saw an eccentric looking man, but no Drowzee. The man had wispy tufts of ginger hair spread erratically on his otherwise bald head. He had a kind, elderly face that was ridden with wrinkles that reminded James of ripples on the surface of water. The man was rather pale. Jay also noticed that he was rather small and appeared to have a slightly hunched back. He was clad in typical doctor's clothing, dark-blue scrubs covered his legs and he had a white overcoat on covering a green shirt. A stethoscope hung limply off his neck. Over all this man seemed most unusual.

Then, the elderly doctor hobbled over to his patient. As he stepped under the glaring lights Jay saw that his body turned a sickly yellow colour and ge seemed to look a lot more like a Drowzee. Perhaps it was the way his his nose seemed to gall down his face or the way his bright blue eyes turned a dull brown shade. As he took a few more steps forward he was no longer a doctor, he had change back into a Drowzee. The only difference was that he still had his unusual red hair ontop of his head. The hair seemed to be sucked inside and then they were gone. The transformation had taken only seconds but it had seemed so much longer for James. James edged back further into his bed.

Drowzee started glowing a bright blue colour. It began shaking before it let out a high-pitched screech.

"CUUURRRRRSSSSSSEEEE YOOOOUUUUUU," the Drowzee screeched, before it exploded, showering James with lumps of yellow skin and hot, sticky blood.

Then everything went. James could only see red. At first he though it was blood on his eyes, but then the colour changed to orange. Then yellow, then green, blue, indigo, vilot. Then a blinding white. James tried shielding his eyes, but the white was so intense, he could see it even when his eyes were closed. The light got brighter and brighter. James could feel his eyes bubbling in his sockets. He tried to scream, but his throat stopped working. His skin started bubbling and within a few seconds it had all burned away and James collapsed to his knees. Before James died he could feel his lungs explode. He let out one final breath, before falling down. All went black. All died.

-~~~-​

The nurse that had enterred James room earlier approached his room for the second time that morning. Doctor Melvin was strolling along behind her, whistling merrily. Doctor Melvin was a tall, skinny man. He had wiry grey hair and wore horn-rimmed glasses that covered up most of his wrinkled face. The nurse knocked on the door, paused a moment and then walked in.

"Oh my God! Ahhh! Please somebody help! Quickly!" the nurse shreiked. She couldn't take in anymore. The doctor also looked close to fainting. He helped the pale nurse out of the room as two burly men enterred the bloody room.

The room was covered in blood and guts. Odd lumps of bones jutted out from pools of blood and lumps of flesh littered the floor. By that evening the gruesome murder of James had the whole country at a standstill. It had reached both local and national news and even the police were baffled as to how James could have died. He was locked up in a high-security cell, tied up in a straight jacket and had no access to the outside world.

Of course James was already a well-known figure in his nation. He had been involved in a serious fire when he was eight years old. The fire killed James' family and James had pleaded innocent to their murder in an open court, but he was found guilty and sentenced to an asylum for the criminally insane.

-~~~-​

The sounds of the dead pierced the air. James was somehow here, but he was dead. He wasn't exactly sure where "here" was, but he didn't like it. He knew he had died, but where was he know? Surely not heaven, but hell ... maybe. Souls cluttered the endless corridors of shadows. This place was pure torture. The screams of the dying filled every second of every day. It was impossible to tell the time here. James suspected that time did not exist in this strange, nightmare-fuelled place. He could have been here a minute? A day? Years? Who knows. Sanity was also a constant struggle. It was near impossible to remain sane here.

The boredom was excrutiating. Only James' memories kept him going and clutching to sanity. Although, his memories seemed somewhat distorted and even slightly sinister. He began thinking about the death of his family. He remained adamant about his innocence at first, but now he was not so sure. He had weird visions of a younger version of himself running around the house, with a can of gasoline in his hands. Splashing it everywhere and then ... James shuddered. He could see himself lighting a match and watching his house burn to the ground. Then sirens filled the air and within seconds the neighbours were outside, crying and they wanted to protect me.

James screamed at this horrific place. "Whhhyyyyy..." he moaned with despair. He felt certain that he was completely guilty now. He couldn't cry here as he had no body, but James' soul longed to weep for himself and others. If only he could do something to change these things.

Then he saw himself at his families funeral. Throughout the whole ceremony people cried for James' family and also for him. What would happen to the boy now..? With no family alive he was sentenced to a foster home, until it was time for the court ... and the remainder of his life to be decided.

-~~~-​

"Well ... has the snooping uncovered anything yet?" the irate journalist asked her colleagues. They knew better than to argue with her, but the red-headed demon really should treat them with some ounce of respect. A cameraman, by the name of Chris, stood up to tell his boss the news. She was rummaging through some files in a brown leather-covered folder. Her features were lit up by the small desk lamp shining overhead. The cameraman shuderred upon seeing her thin face. Her cheeks were bony and a crimson colour from overusing her blusher. She glanced up at him with disgust.

"What?" the cruel woman demanded. She tapped her foot impatiently and folded her arms.

"You really should check the security tape. Just ... don't say I didn't warn you," Chris said boldly to his boss. All of his colleagues were looking at him with disgust. They knew what the demon would do if she found out how disturbinng this murder really was.

"Security tapes..?" she murmured. "Why did no one tell me about this before? I thought everything was destroyed in the supposed explosion!" she roared. Slamming the folder on the small table next to her, she walked over to the monitor screens.

Within seconds the whole work office were given a birdseye view on what really did happen to the little murderer. The boy sat down on his bed, humming to himself. Then he started talking, but no one else was in the room.

"Poor dilusional bastard," the head journalist said withou the faintest sign of pity.

The video continued, but it was almost impossible to make out what the boy was saying. Odd words could be heard here and there, but the static was too bad for the journalists to be able to string sentences together. "of course," the boy said distinctly before sticking out his right leg. The staff watched perplex. Next he opened his mouth wide and closed it for a ffew seconds as though he was going to say something important. Then out of nowhere the teenage boy dove at the bedside table, knocking over a small potted plant. He picked up two orange pills, swallowed them and then continued to stare at the door.

Next thing the onlookers knew was that the screen went fuzzy and a blood-curdling scream could be heard. Then the screen went black. The crew stared at the monitor motionless. No one had anticipated this in the slightest.

"Well ... this could still support our gas exposion theory," a brave journalist said doubtfully.

-~~~-​

James tried his neatly to remain as sane as possible, but that proved to be impossible for anyone, let alone a simple teenage boy. James tried to keep to himself and ignore the temptations of the other souls. Many promised him they could end his suffering and bring him back to where he belonged, Earth. The other souls said they only need to borrow his soul. Luckily, James knew better than to trust the souls that resided here.

James found himself growing more tired and getting more weary. Maybe it's because of a lack of sleep James thought. He knew this was incorrect though. Sleep did not have any effect on souls, as he had come to learn. He had thought of trying to fall into an endless slumber many times before to ease his emotional agony.

As James was wondering on how he could fall asleep for the umpteenth time A bright flash of light shone down on the hordes of souls from above. The souls all stopped screaming and an unnatural silence filled the strange place. Some eager souls dove at the light only to be heard hissing and retreting from the light. Soon almost all of the souls were circling the bright way of light, chanting, and scratching at the light with their wispy claws. The light contracted into a tight ball of light now as though the nasty souls had got the better of it. The souls saw their opportunity and attacked the ball of light even more venemously. Any soup that got in the way got ripped to shreds by the others, only to reform several seconds later in the exact same spot.

James found himself silently praying for the ball of light. He wasn't sure why, but this ball of concentrated light seemed to represent the "good" in the world. James chuckled at his own foolishness. Then, miraculously, the ball of light exploded spraying the dark realm with shards of light. The souls that came into contact with it vapourised, screaming with pain. Soon the millions of souls that were there previously were almost all gone and with one last burst of light they all were gone, excluding James.

James tried to scream and retreat back. He scurried away at full speed, scrambling through the murky realm. James found himself lost. Everything looked the exact same, except somehow it was different. The light had not reached this area yet so James remained alone and scared in the dark.

The ball of light drew closer to James' soul. James hadn't noticed it come from behind him.

"DO NOT BE AFRAID!" the ball of light said. Somehow James didn't feel scared anymore. The ball of light seemed to provide him with some comfort in this lonely, dark world.

"YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED AMONG THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF WICKED AS THE PUREST SOUL!" it said plaintively. "AlMIGHTY ARCEUS HAS SEEN YOU AND WISHES TO MEET WITH YOU IN PERSON!" the ball anounced.

James wasn't sure how to feel. He was ecstatic at getting to meet Arceus. Although James always thought he wasn't real. He always wished for Pokemon to be real and he had seen a Drowzee before ... "but was it real? Of course it must be! This ball of light had no reason to lie to him," he thought. "He was the purest soul after all," he thought smugly.

The ball of light appeared to be looking at James, although it was impossible to tell. "YES," it boomed. "I WAS LOOKING AT YOU ... AND BEFORE YOU ASK ... I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING."

Then the ball came closer to James. James put his hand out to touch the ball of light, only for it to move out of his reach. The ball circled James' soul slowly. Then it picked up speed and within mere seconds it was zooming around James at ridiculous speeds so it seemed as a blur to James. The boy watched mesmerised as it continued around and around James. Then, in the blink of an eye, James was no longer trapped in that horrific place for the damned.

James jumped with joy and a huge smile came to his face. He had a body. He was alive! He turned around to thank the ball of light, but it wasn't there. James took in his soroundings with amazement. He appeared to be standing on a blanket of fluffy, milky-white clouds that stretched as far as his eye could see. Everywhere around him was a lovely shade of pale blue, accompanied by some strands of wispy white clouds. Then it dawned on James. He was back at home, Earth. But one thing didn't make sense ... how could the clouds be supporting him. Everything felt so strange.

"Do not be alarmed," a strange voice said. Jame jumped at the sound. He had assumed he was alone. Then, out of nowhere a strange white figure loomed overhead, in front of James. It was almost impossible to describe, but James knew who it was, ... Arceus. I have redeemed your soul from eternal imprisonment for several reasons," Arceus said. Arceus' voice was almost impossible to describe; it was sweet yet bitter, confident yet timid James was at a loss for words.

James had known about this Pokemon for almost all of his life. It was the Pokemon of myths and very few people had ever seen it before. James had been told that if you ever saw an Arceus you would know what it was. His mother had fondly told him the story of a Ditto that transformed into an Arceus in the hopes of fame. The people who saw the Ditto knew straight away that it was bot their God. They had said that it was a gut instinct. This is exactly what James was feeling at the moment. Somewhere in the bowels of his stomach a voice was telling him that this is God.

James had recognised it from picture books although there were some huge differences. Arceus was often portrayed as having a pearly-white, close-cut coat that shone with radiance. This was not the case however. This Arceus had a shaggy, dirty grey coat. It had the same gleaming gold hooves that were rumoured to be solid twenty-carrot gold. The Arceus was unmistakeably the same height as portrayed in stories. It was reckoned to be almost fifty feet tall and James couldn't agree more. even it's hooves were almost as tall as James. No matter how hard James looked up hecould not see Arceus' face. It was very dark and murky. Arceus' face was never supposed to be seen. It was considered a sin for a mortal to witness such greatness.

You have been saved because you are young and ... well almost innocent. If you want eternal salvation you shall do as I command. I am in need of the Jewel of Life. Legends have told me little about it, yet I must have it. Almost noting is known about it other than that a boy of fourteen years is recquired to bring it to me. The boy is said to have had made mistakes during his youth and this is the only opportunity to redeem himself," Arceus said to James. "James you must bring me it. It should be star-shaped and only the chosen one is supposed to be able to see it for what it truly is. And with that, I send thee forth!" Arceus roared.

The clouds underneath James' feet parted and James came hurdling down to the ground. The look of shock still etched across his face from when Arceus had spoken to him.

The fall down to Earth was surprisingly peaceful. James watched as the fluffy white clouds whizzed past him as he hurdled to the hard ground. Then, in a cloud of dust and a sharp bang, James hit the floor. The impact of the collision should have killed James instantly, but strangely his body remained unscathed; devoid of pain.

He lifted his heavy hands from the sandy banks and gradually pushed himself into a standing position. The vast sea loomed ahead and stretched pout farther than his eyes could see. Somewhere in the horizon a red yacht trailed along the water surface. The tide drew closer to James, causing him to stumble backwards. It retreated back to the sea immediately afterwards before repeating this process. James took several large steps backwards. Although the water was extremely intriguing to him, he shuddered to think of what could happen to him if it had managed to trip him up and drag him off to it's bowels.

A small crimson-red light shone from the water directly in front of James. Perplexed, he bent forward and placed his hands into the cold, murky depts to retreive the gleaming light. His hand brushed off something coarse with pointy edges. The object weighed a lot more than James had anticipated and both of his hands were recquired to remove the light from the shallow, navy water. As soon as the object was lifted out of the water it started to struggle and leapt up high into the air, before falling back to the water, crashing with an a mighty spash, drenching James in the process. His shorts clung to him tightly after the water soaked him. The water was far too cold for James' liking so he retreted once more to the warm sandy banks.

James had recognised the object and knew what it was immediately, but he had only seen creatures like it in his dreams. It was a Staryu, a Pokemon. Then, it dawned on James. "Staryu is a jewel Pokemon or something," he mused. "Perhaps Arceus wanted the jewel ..." he trailed off.

Even more motivated than before, James appproached the water. He realised that he probably wouldn't be able to find the Staryu ever again if it drifted out to sea, so this really was his only option. Unfortunately for James, the Staryu was aware what James wanted, and having had experiences with jewel thiefs before he knew that if someone managed to remove a jewel from a Staryu, the Staryu would die. Staryu didn't want to take it's chances with the ocean yet, so while James stood there on the banks deciding on what he could possibly do, the Staryu slipped underneath it's legs. It was usually hard for Staryu's to travel over sandy areas, but the sand was smooth and easy to travel by. As Staryu passed along the sand it left a trail in the sand, alerting James.

Staryu couldn't resist glancing overhead as it went under James. James' head slowly turned. His eyes glazed over upon seeing the Staryu within reach. The Staryu emitted a high-pitched scream as it gazed at James' watery eyes. Suddenly, it began to spin around in circles violently. One of it's limbs struck James in the calf of his right leg. James spiralled to the ground. Within the blink of an eye the Staryu was ontop of him, spearing the boy with it's sharp pointy limbs. Every time a piece of the star Pokemon prodded him in the back he gave a weak jump. However, James was much stronger, and after three piercings from the Staryu he realised that. Although his back was in serious pain he still managed to raise his left hand, and with one strong wave of his left hand the Staryu was knocked over onto the sand beside James.

The Staryu hopped up odd the sandy banks as quick as a flash. Adrenaline was surging through her star-shaped body. At this point in time she wanted nothing more than to teach this foolish child a lesson. She kept her bright red jewel focused on every movement the pale boy made. She watched the tall human boy lift his arms up. He dug the palm of his hands into the silky sand and he pulled himself upwards.

Staryu had a little surprise in store for this brat however. As the boy lifted his mud-caked face to search for the Staryu she shot a torrent of ice-cold water from out of a miniscule hole in her jewel at the boy. The blast of the liquid hit the boy straight in the face. He had just managed to raise his arms a little to try and protect himself from the shower of water, but it was pointless. The boy let out a moan as his body shook with the cold. The boy's adolescent face contorted with rage as he scanned the battelfield for the Staryu.

Staryu let out a squeel that most people would consider a form of laughter at the sight. The boy's dark-blonde hair was plastered to his face and water dripped down his face before splashing onto the sand below. Staryu spun around gracefully several times as though she were a proffesional ballerina. She began picking up speed. She spun around and around at a frightening speed and then, instantaneously, she zoomed straight towards the now standing boy, limbs thrashing around in a flurry.

James watched as the Staryu transformed into a small hurricane. This was clearly her Twister attack. Then, to his horror, she shot forward. He dug his toes deeper into the ground to help steady himself and then as the Staryu approached he kicked up the sand. This worked exactly as planned. Staryu was so distracted by the pellets of sand that she slowed down. This was just what James had wanted. He jumped onto the Staryu as she lost her momentum. The Staryu knew it was too late to do any serious harm to the boy with her miniature hurricane, so she ceased spinning and arched one of her pointed limbs towards James. Thankfully, James saw it just in time and managed to swerve a little to the Staryu's left. He rolled onto the ground and continued tumbling until he came to an abrupt stop at the face of a large rock jutting out of the ground.

The Staryu opened the tiny slit in it's jewel once more and shot out some vibrant yellow stars. Although the stars were quite small if enough of them managed to hit you, you were in for a world of pain. James saw the Swift attack coming through the air and began to panic. He tugged at a silver chain wrapped around his neck. A cross became visible to the staryu. It appeared as though the boy was praying. She gave a slight nod and the stars vanished into thin air. An awkward silence seemed to fill the air as the boy stared at the Pokemon bewilderdly. Staryu stared back, and gave a slight smile out of pity. She never wanted to really hurt him, only scare him. The boy's face turned from bewilderment to anger. His bushy eyebrows hovered menacingly over his unfeeling, eyes. The pupil'm of his eyes looked as though they were devoid of life, empty. The boy's nostrils flared and he jumped forward and came crashing down right beside the Staryu.

~-~​

James wasn't quite sure what was going on. The Staryu obviously had a clevre ploy in the way it made the shooting stars dissapear. Jay stared at the creature, puzzled and slightly fearful. Then the star Pokemon gave Jay a sinister glare. That was it. He had had enough. He jumped towards the Staryu eager to end this once and for all. He landed next to the Pokemon on his stomach. He gave the Staryu one last sinister smile of his own.

James rolled his body over so that he would land on the Staryu. His body bore down on the Staryu with great strength. The Staryu struggled, but it was pinned in place by something much heavier and stronger than itself. James turned the Staryu over and got a good luck at it's jewel. It had a brilliant ruby-red jewel, with blue triangular patterns along the edges. James couldn't help but be amazed. He had never seen a jewel like that before on a Staryu in the books. He reached down with two shaky hands and tried to pull the jewel out, but it remained firmly in place. James spun it clockwise, then anti-clockwise, but it still remained as it was.

James cracked his knuckles and sent a powerful fist into the jewel. Upon being struck the jewel cracked around the edges, but didn't budge. He braced himself before sending in two more punches with his clenched fist. The jewel shattered into pieces before James. The Staryu quivered and then died before James' guilty face. His knuckles were covered in dark crimson blood and a bit of bone jutted out above his index finger. He passed the jewel from hand to hand, wondering what he had to do next. The Staryu looked paler now. Suddenly James felt a pang of guilt. "What have I done ..?" he thought guiltily.

TO BE CONTINUED...​

 

SWC!

Pokemon aiming for: Staryu

Difficulty: Hard, 20-30k

Character Count (with spaces) 24k​

 

Graded and regraded. Successful!

 

Story/Plot: Plot idea was simply fantastic. Yeah really, I mean it. This plot concept is extremely original, well at least imo. It reminded me of Shutter Island at times, but definitely different. I especially liked how you started out by describing the way the wind blew and the boy shivered. The description made a smooth transition from the weather to the character, unlike many stories where people fail to make the smooth switch of scene. In fact, your entire story was so intriguing that I couldn't even pause for a break. This is the effect that you'd want to achieve whenever writing a story. You want to capture the reader's attention and interest, in which what you did here was to uncover the character's identity slowly and mysteriously, by using the method of a scene change (that's what I call it :x) to lead the readers uncovering more and more of the character's identity and what exactly was going on by reading on.

Now unfortunately ... the bad point. Yeah, your starting was great and all, it created the suspense. However, you failed to provide a clear view of what exactly happened at the end of the story. In a way, the story no longer becomes exciting or mysterious, it becomes a question mark instead. Even after I've read finish the story, I remained confused about what exactly was that Drowzee deal about. I am guessing that that is simply a hallucination because in the next paragraph, you went on to depict Doctor Melvin as a human instead, although it was depicted as a Drowzee when James was looking at him. This proves that James was simply hallucinating. However, the problem is here. If that is a hallucination, how could a fake Drowzee explode and kill James? Even so, later on, you wrote "the gruesome murder of James", which meant that James was murdered. If I were to link possibilities, it could be that that Drowzee was a hallucinated creature, and it wasn't even Doctor Melvin, it was someone else whom had the intention of killing James. Then, why wasn't this told? When you went on to the Arceus part, I was still hoping that you'd explain all of these at the end, but still no. It is important that although suspense is good, it is advisable to leave most question answered when approaching a capture. You don't want to leave the grader clueless about what exactly is happening when you had already completed the chapter for capture. In fact, if you could fix up the plot-holes, I really believe that this plot idea would be truly awesome.

On to other matters, I thought it was a bit weird that the characters in the first paragraph wasn't described properly later on as well. I get what you're trying to do, by introducing us to a scene that happened in the alley, and by not going further to elaborate the identity of those people and what was on the paper, it definitely helped in creating the suspense. However, you would have had to end the story by answering all, if not most, questions. Till the end, like the earlier plot-holes, I didn't know who those people were, nor what exactly was on that paper that seemed to be emphasized by the way you wrote "The boy stared at the hand timidly, aware of what it contained."

Character Detail/Development: For detail, I knew nothing about how the boy looked like. Was he tall and slim, or short and plump? How did he look like? Any specific facial features? Or perhaps, what was the color of his hair and how was it styled? Was it a natural just-got-out-of-bed look, or was it styled to stand/spike up? What was the color of his eyes? Was it charcoal black, or perhaps it was a deep crimson red? How was his face like? Was it oval-shaped, or did he perhaps have chin that protruded out a little? Did he have mustache, or even a stubble? Even on his skin tone, did he have a perfect tan color or perhaps he had an extremely pale skin tone due to some disease that he had. Or even the most basic, what clothes was he wearing? Do you want to go ahead and describe something extremely simple like a white tee shirt and blue jeans, or perhaps you wanted to take it up a notch and described his white Polo shirt, the way he positioned his collar to stand up, empathizing some sort of accessory that he wore around the neck, then some kind of tattered deep-blue jeans, that had almost invisible tracks of lining that was the specific pattern in which the jeans had.

Whatever it is, at least it provided me with an insight on how the boy looked like, instead of me not being able to picture the main character in this story at all. It then becomes very hard for me to get to know the character, for me to get involved in the story, even if your plot suspense is there. Although the outlook of a character is quite important, the inner look of a character can be as important as the former, even though its harder.

For example, since you have a crazy person here, you could have depicted his inner struggles or thoughts. When he was left alone in the room/cell, what was he thinking? What was his emotions? Even though he was mentally insane, he couldn't have had remained crazy for every second. Even subconsciously, for just a few moment, he could have had thought about the past (this was where you could have brought a further insight to explain things in the past, how he ended up in here and stuff like that). You don't have to take the chance to elaborate all, you could have had made him think of the past and got to the most critical part that the reader wanted to know, before he got agitated and started to lose control of himself again.

I saw that you had a part where he looked desperately for something to hit when being locked up. It came a little weird to me though, for you empathized the fact that he was looking for something soft enough to hit. Wasn't he supposed to be insane? I thought you could have used this chance to expressed his character more so, by leaving him to sit just there, stoning and surrounded by loneliness. This could be where he started to remember about the past again and got too agitated instead, and started rampaging. Of course, you could have added in the effect of blood to capitalize on the impact of his craziness by having him pound the some iron thing with his fists continuously as a way of releasing himself, and continued by having him remember the past where he was abused violently by his father (you wrote a bit about that, but didn't manage to elaborate more). This was where you have managed to develop a character's trait more, because this will allow readers to gain the insight on partly on he went mad perhaps, and that the character had violent tendencies.

Of course, there are countless ways of characterizing people in your story but seriously, I've never read before a story about mentally insane characters so it becomes a little hard for me to give more examples. It is easier though, if you simply think of the mentally ill characters in movies that you've watched, how do they act? Although they might appear crazy or even violent on the outside? How exactly do they feel on the inside? Do they still have no idea what they are experiencing completely? Or perhaps, during the times of a breakdown when they're crying, they actually reveal their inner emotions clearly; their inner struggles, the struggles that people have failed to see while disregarding them as insane beings. It is all to your imagination and creativity.

Grammar/Spelling: Nothing quite worth mentioning here.

To me: Plot/Description>Battle>Grammar>Length. Teehee.

Length: Although it's on the last of my list, it doesn't mean it isn't important! Pass is good enough for me however.

Details/Description: K well, a lot of what I had originally intended to say for this section was already elaborated earlier for the character details part. Basically, you'd want to describe your story as much as possible to be like; "Oh yes, I can perfectly picture that vividly in my head!" sort of feeling. As such, as a rule of thumb, sight should always be touched on, followed by the other four senses; sound, taste, smell, and touch.

I noticed you did try to touch on smell for your introduction, which is why I said I liked it. It created such a vivid image in my head, that I could even almost smell it. I understood what the character was feeling, and how the unpleasant smell was all in the air. The next step however, would be to maintain it. Try to include it as frequently as possible. Of course, it'd be nonsensical for the character go to around sniffing like a puppy looking for food. But surely, even without focusing on sniffing like a dog, one could always tell a smell more or less when entering a place. For example, if you were to enter a mental hospital cell in real life for whatever purposes there might be, how was it like? Of course, sight like gloomy, confined, all of that descriptive stuff you should know. But for an advanced level, how did it smell like? Was it perhaps nothing but bitter sorrow throughout? Everywhere you walked, the bitter misery lingered around the atmosphere. You could perhaps hear some people crying bitterly, as the voices reverberated from the solid concrete walls that were confining these people up to your eardrums. Then, the voice might have kept ranging in your head as you looked around to observe the unfortunate patients that were tied in straight jackets. ... Well, that's about the basic gist of it.

I liked how took the effort to try and describe throughout the story. However, there remained quite a number of things that you still failed to describe which were quite important. Like I said earlier, the main character and also, Doctor Melvin. I don't exactly care about the nurse since Doctor Melvin remained a more particular character at that point of time. I wanted to know how exactly did he look like. Only then, it could have brought up the suspense level as I would have kept guessing subconsciously if he was the good or bad guy in this story and what was his role in it.

And also, Arceus. It was supposed to be like OMG HUGE AUTHORITY CHARACTER APPEARED! However, it became more like a blah, so what feeling instead. One simple reason, no description. You told me that the character didn't even have to take a second glance to know it was Arceus, the God of all Pokemon. But what exactly, was so distinctive about this specific Pokemon. I knew nothing, nothing at all about it. When writing a story, you need to assume that nobody knows what you are talking about at all. Therefore, it becomes a need to write and describe almost everything in order for your reader to visualize it. Obviously, I don't want to read like three huge blocks of paragraphs about a pot of plant. But quite simply, comparing the amount of relativity to your plot, you can make the suitable amount of description needed to each. Like for instance, for someone like James, would require a very specific, and accurate description, since it is the main character after all. If however, you're simply talking about the nurse that was assisting the doctor that had no relativity to the plot at all except by assisting, something simple like what was her overall features would have been sufficient.

Either way, I really hope that in the midst of trying all these extensive descriptions out, you don't spoil the current pattern that you're describing with. I really like how you're describing now. I don't know how to exactly tell you what it is, but think of it as a "smooth transition description". Many times, people tend to forget they are writing a story when including descriptions. If you read such stories, you would have noticed the obvious effect that it delivers, for it is as if you're reading such a good story and am sucked into the plot. Then all of a sudden, it goes something like this;

"James suddenly looked at what had appeared in front of him. Its name was Lotad. It had a blue skin. It also had a green dish-like hat on its head. It smiled broadly."

Something like that. It becomes very mechanical instead. In fact, it seems as if I am reading a story, then pause, reads Pokedex, and continues back onto the story. You definitely want to avoid this, in which I mostly can't find it in this story. Thus, the congratulations. Just in case you meet such situations in the future, you can always try connecting your descriptions directly to how the story continues (like for example, when James is brought into a cell, perhaps a description can be made by having James look around, instead of going directly like, "James entered the cell. The cell was of a dull gray ...".

Battle: Aha, not exactly a Pokemon vs Pokemon battle. These are kinda fun to write actually, as it involves a greater level of imagination to still make it as interesting as a Pokemon battle.

To be honest, I didn't know what to react after reading your battle. While it was certainly not that bad with all your figurative languages and such, it was not as attractive as the rest of your story. You can probably blame yourself for setting such a good introduction in the story.

Anyway, I think the main problem here is the lack of action. Other than the Staryu jumping on James head and spearing him, and also the part where he delivered punches onto the Staryu's gem, there wasn't much action. I think you could have worked out better with Staryu's attacks. There was almost none used, just basic jumping and sparring. While this was obviously not wrong, it came to me as boring instead. If you're going to exclude Pokemon attacks, you could perhaps have had a more extensive coverage on the way Staryu uses itself to attack the human being. After all, it was fighting for its survival since James actually wanted to dig out the gem (quite revolting) out of the Staryu. Surely, the Staryu had to be more adamant and determined than just jumping onto James' head?

For possible ways, you could have possibly had the Staryu used one of its spikes to actually pierce a part of James' in a desperate act of self-defense. Dramatic? Perhaps. But it does work wonders. With such stuff actually happening, it recaptures the reader's attention as it becomes an extreme act, that was used by the Staryu in pure desperate measures of protecting itself. It becomes easier if you input some attacks in. It doesn't have to like some hardcore Pokemon battles where the Staryu has to go full on with like Hydro Pump, Hyper Beam, and w/e that's out there. It could just be a simple use of Rapid Spin to escape from the grasp of James.

It is also generally encouraged to make use of the surroundings. Regardless of either Pokemon attacks or just basic attacks, surely the surroundings could have had an additional effect to the way the attacks were being used? Apparently, you guys were battling on a beach. Now, a sandy terrain. For instance, Staryu could have used Camouflage to hide itself in the sand since after all, the color of a Staryu is kinda similar to that of sand. That is just the most basic example. Utilizing move combination, or simply creativity, is the easiest way to create a intriguing battle. Even with a simple Water Gun, as long as you have the imagination, it can be written to be used as a defensive approach instead. It can always be maneuvered from being an offensive attack, to a body coating that protects the body from some sort of stuff for a short period of time. As long as you manage to write it to be realistic and convincing, almost anything could happen. That is why, the battle portion is easily the section that a writer's creativity can be tested and abused to create absolute wonderful battles.

With that said, I need to admit that like your opening paragraph, your ending paragraph was fantastic as well. It really created an impact in my mind. It became more like a berserk James that went overly determined in looking for the gem that he had actually defied the humanity within him. It became even better when you went on to describe the blood stain that was on his hands, the bones that was jutted out above his index finger, it was like a final touch of whipped cream on a glass of milkshake.

Outcome: Well ... I really don't know. Your plot was incredibly original and intriguing, but it had the multiple plot-holes that kept appearing throughout. Besides that, your description was quite good (although, there could be much more room for improvements still) and your battle was average.

Sigh. I am going to hate myself for doing this. Unfortunately, Staryu not captured. I am afraid that the plot problem still proved too much for me to accept.

I am terribly sorry. I need to capitalize this again, your plot idea was truly amazing but the question marks that kept appearing throughout the story remained unanswered even when the capture is made, that came to me as quite unacceptable. I might have had struggled with a pass if your battle had been more interactive and included more action along with the character detail/development, but that was not the case sadly.

I am not quite sure if you can edit the plot thing since SWC has already started, so I'll just work around an alternative. I will give you the Staryu if you can manage to do the things that I've listed in the battles section, as well as working on your main character's detail and development and the bits that I've said in the description section. So basically;

1) Improve battle
2) Describe the main character's detail and try to develop his traits
3) Describe Doctor Melvin briefly
4) Lastly, describe how exactly does Arceus look like. How did James knew even without a second glance, that it was the God of Pokemon?

Remember to like either bold or underline your corrections, so that I can spot them in the regrade.

Simply PM/VM me for a regrade when you're done and I'll be back here again!

 

Regrade: Perfect. You did every single thing that I told you do. I liked how you touched on the segment of Doctor Melvin, it becomes extremely realistic now as the readers had a grasp of the features of this certain doctor instead, and it starts to hint that the boy might have had reached too high of insane level, or however you call it, since the pills that were supposed to prevent hallucination were no longer working effectively.

Also, I thought the description of Arceus was quite well done as well. You chose to include a segment where it was told that a Ditto had tried to use Transform to turn into Arceus but was quickly recognized as a fake. This extent allowed readers to gain a better understanding of how exactly did this feeling of "I knew it was Arceus the moment I saw it" worked.

Lastly, you touched on the main character and the improvements of your battle. You chose to include the details of your main character near the end of the battle, where the Swift attack was restrained back by the Staryu. While it might seem like a creative approach, it would be generally discouraged. The purpose of a early description and the main focus of characterizing someone near the early sections of the story is so as to allow the reader to quickly gain an understanding over the character and get to know him as the story proceeds. By having zero description then only putting it out at the end kinda defeats the purpose sadly.

Still, you did what I asked you to do, and the battle section is just great now. There were definitely enough action and enough suspense created. For a specific note though, I could see why you chose to use Twister as one of the Staryu's attack. By utilizing a hurricane-like move, it becomes very easy to bring in the surroundings as I had encouraged you to make use of. Although it worked against the Staryu in the end since the sand that was splashed by James blinded the Staryu temporarily, especially with the magnifying effect that the hurricane possessed. Just another slight note however; the mechanical description that I was talking about earlier is kind of showing a bit. While it is obviously not that disruptive if it only happens a few time, I thought I should just bring it up so you could perhaps know where it is and how to avoid it.

I felt that the main problem that occurred here was the frequent breaks. Try reading that entire paragraph out in your head one time. You can probably notice the multiple breaks that kept happening throughout. This was basically just adding in a few connections and making use of commas. If your sentences are appearing something like that, "She kept ... She watched ... He dug ...", there should then be a problem. It becomes way too mechanical and there isn't a flow in it. It is as if I am reading separate sentences that had no connection to the prior one instead. If you had made use of simple connections like as, suddenly, eventually, momentarily to make it smoother.

Note a few specific commas being used, and the various connecting sentences. By using stuff like "Being intent..." or starting with a "Within her star-shaped body, adrenaline...", it created a better transition between sentences. Try comparing the two paragraphs. Which of the two appears more realistic now? With the simple use of connectors, commas, or simply rephrasing the sentences, it then allows you to prevent creating sentences that don't look like joint phrases being broken off.

Anyway, I should really stop hawking. D: Staryu captured! Have fun with the potential Starmie and I hope that my grade will be of help to you for your future stories.