The “Island” Lesson [NWC]

Author: Sorocoroto
Intended Capture: Shellos (Pink)
Point of View: Jesse (1st Person)
# of Character up to throwing the Pokéball (w/o spaces): 20Kish

My first story here, though I would like it to be a part of series of captures for this character.

The “Island” Lesson​

“Thank you, Father, for another fantastic lesson!” I screamed out into the vast ocean scene in front of me.

If only that man could hear the sarcastic tone in my voice from this forsaken island. I should have known that Father had ulterior motives when he said that he was treating me to a vacation to the Sinnoh region. Even though I told him that I wasn’t going to join the family business, he still trains me like I’m one of his subordinates, like my older brother. He means well, but he could have at least dropped me off here, instead of knocking me out on the ship. One minute, I’m on the S.S. Tidal enjoying an Occa smoothie, and the next, I’m waking up lying on a beach, smoothie-less.

Don’t panic, Jesse. At least you have… No, he didn’t. My Pokéball are missing.

I sprung to my feet searching my person. My Pokétch and Pokédex are gone too. I was stranded with no supplies to help me. It was almost exactly like fiasco three years ago, except instead of being pursued in the Eterna forest, I’m stranding on an Island. Without my any of Water or Flying Pokémon, I couldn’t leave for awhile.

At least my clothes are dry.

I brushed the sand off my tan khakis shorts and button up Hawaiian shirt. I removed my sandals and walked into the tide. Dunking my head into the water felt refreshing. I combed my hands through my white dead hair, a result of little mishap involving a hair salon and a very angry Electabuzz. Wiping the last drips of water from my blue-grey eyes, I scanned the situation.

Before I went unconscious, the captain announced that the ship was about a half hour from the next stop, the Korpral Islands. After that, the next stop would have been Iron Island, and then Canalave city.

Squinting into the distance, I saw two islands. Looking in the opposite direction, there was another island about the same distance out. The island I was currently on didn’t seem to have any buildings, nor did I see anything close to rocky terrain, so it wasn’t Iron Island. The beach was about a football field’s length wide before rounding out into the forest, which seemed to grow all around the island. I couldn’t see any outstanding mountains or hills over the thicket of green.

“Hello!” I yelled out into the island. Besides the wind rustling the leaves and some Pokémon cries, I heard no human response.

“Father, what do you want me to do?” I whispered.

Stop it, Jesse. You’re just talking to yourself. You might as well look for anything useful.

After searching the beach, finding nothing but a few baby Crabby, I came across a Pokéball. There were no special marks, and it didn’t seem to be too damaged.

“Come out!” I shouted as I threw the Pokéball onto the sand.

It opened up and… Bumkis. Not even a rice ball. My stomach started to grumble.

I ventured into the forest looking for food. Many of the trees were bare of any fruit, but full of Pokémon. There were Mankey and Aipom fighting in the trees, Rattata and Zigzagoon racing through the trunks, and even a Tropius munching on a tree in a small clearing. From a distance, I could see that the fruits on Tropius’ neck were ripe. It seemed like it hadn’t noticed me yet.

I crept around the trees towards it, careful not to make too much noise. Up close, I saw that the leaves on its back were a bit underdeveloped; however, its body still looked strong enough to crush me.

“Tropius, this time you’re mine!” a girlish voice shouted from across the clearing.

The voice belonged to a young boy dressed in loose ragged blue baggies, yellow T-shirt, aqua backpack and blue baseball cap. He looked no more than ten years old. The youngster hobbled through some bushes into the clearing towards the Tropius.

“This time, I will capture you,” he said with a smug look on his face.

Tropius ignored the boy’s threats and continued eating.

“Tropius!” the boy yelled, “I challenge you to a battle! Let me show you my new friend.”

This caught the Tropius’ attention. The kid reached behind his belt and pulled out a Premiere ball. He chucked the ball in front of the Tropius and a column of light with a shower of petals spinning around it erupted from the ball. The light burst into sparkles, revealing the Buneary inside. The Buneary’s familiar lavender coat shined in the sunlight.

That kid has my Punpun. What is this I don’t even?

“Bunn?” Punpun looked around confused.

The boy enthusiastically commanded, “Go Buneary! Attack Tropius! Tackle it! Go, go, go!”

This boy didn’t know much about battling.

Punpun turned his head refusing the boy’s command.

“Come on,” the youngster pleaded, “the man from the boat said you’d obey even the most inexperienced trainer.”

Father...

The kid marched up to my Punpun and picked him up with one hand.

“You heard me: Tackle!” he commanded.

The boy wound up Punpun a baseball and threw him towards Tropius, but Punpun veered passed Tropius, bounced off a tree and aimed right for the boy’s face.

Punpun knocked the kid down throwing his blue cap to the ground.

“Maybe next time, Jack,” I heard the Tropius scoff as it walked away.

The boy sat up rubbing his forehead. He that saw Tropius was gone and started to complain to Punpun. “Aww, now look what you did,” he blamed.

“That’s what you get for using a stolen Pokémon, kid,” I called out revealing myself from the trees.

“Who… Who are you? What do you mean stolen?” The kid looked worried.

Punpun saw me and happily hopped over to me landing on my shoulder. “Let me guess, Father?” Punpun surmised. He was my very first Pokémon, the one I caught during Father’s very elaborat lesson in Eterna Forest. After three years, Punpun knew Father’s antics well.

“Who else?” I confirmed.

“Figures.” Punpun jumped off, picked up his Pokéball and returned it to me.

“Hey! What do you mean stolen?” Sounding ignored, the boy got to his feet and picked up his baseball cap.

“This here is Punpun. He’s one of my Pokémon.”

“But the man from the boat said it was his,” he said as he placed the blue cap back on his head.

“Let me guess. Was he tall, dark brown, balding hair, wearing a suit, and had a menacing look all over?

“Yeah! That’s him.”

“That would be my father. This is one of the many lessons he likes to teach me. I wonder why he gave you my Punpun though.” Talking to this kid wasn’t going to help get me off the island. “Wait, what are you doing on this island?”

“I’m here to catch that Tropius!” the boy exclaimed with fire in his eyes. Seeing my un-amused expression, he calmed down and continued, “I come to this island every so often to try to catch Tropius. This would be my fourth time.”

“Fourth time? So, there is a way off this island.”

“Yeah, I gotta boat that I use to get here from the East Island, that’s where I met your dad. He came off the S.S. Tidal.”

“So, I guess these are the Korpal Islands.”

“That’s right, you see,” he began in an “as a matter of fact” tone, “this is the West Island; lots of Pokémon live here. I live on the East Island with my mother. We live in a small port village.”

“Ok, kid, did the S.S. Tidal leave?”

“It was still there when I left, but I think it’s gone now. And hey, stop calling me kid. The name is Jack.”

“Jesse,” I responded. “And you know Punpun,” I said as I pointed towards my energetic Buneary. “So, Jack, how about you take me to the other island so I can figure out how to get back home?”

“Fine, follow me,” he grumbled.

He led me further into the forest away from where I woke. After about ten minutes of green scenery, the forest opened up to reveal another beach. Across the water, there was another island with a few buildings nestled within it. Past the island, the snow-topped mountain range of Sinnoh appeared over the horizon.

“Oh no!” Jack gasped as he ran towards the beach.

“What’s wrong, kid?”

“My boat, it’s missing!” he exclaimed worryingly.

“Hey, is that it?” Punpun said pointing towards a figure out in the ocean.

“Jack, Punpun thinks he sees it,” I translated. It didn't seem like Jack could understand the Pokemon language.

Jack turned in the direction that Punpun was directing towards. He took off his backpack, pulled out some binoculars.

“That’s my boat!” He handed me the binoculars.

I saw a row boat drifting out to sea. I zoomed in to get a closer look. There was a second boat dragging Jack’s boat. In it, I saw a figure in black looking our direction, smiling.

How far is this going to go, Father?

“This isn’t good,” the boy fell to the ground and tried to hold back the tears.

“Doesn’t your mother know you’re out here?” I inquired.

“Yes, but she’s knows not to come looking for me. The last time she came to look for me, she scared Tropius off right before my trap went off, so I told her not to worry and…” he broke off as the tears came rushing out.

Punpun hopped over to him looking concerned.

“It’ll be all right! We’ve gotten out of worse things.” Punpun sung as he started dancing in front of the boy. Punpun knews the kid can’t understand him but he seemed to cheer Jack up.

I squatted down next to Jack and patted him on the head.

“Hey, a Pokémon trainer needs to be strong,” I assured.

“But, I’m not a Pokémon trainer yet!” he retorted as he started to gain some composure. “That’s why I’m trying to catch Tropius. It will be my Pokémon and I, its master.”

“But trying to catch a Pokémon without any of your own?” Albeit that is what I had to do to catch Punpun.

“I’ve tried throwing rocks at it, laying traps, but nothing has worked. See.” Jack reached for his backpack and turned it upside-down shaking its contents out. There were Ursaring traps, rope, some metal spikes, Pokémon bait, and a lot more. He picked up some broken Pokéballs.

“Every time, it breaks out. I only have one left.”

“Well, it was a strong Pokémon. I could sense that,” Punpun said.

“Why don’t you try catching an easier Pokémon?” I suggested, “That Tropius is too strong for you.”

“No, I have to capture Tropius! You wouldn’t understand, you were probably handed that Buneary,” he accused.

“Actually, I was in the same position you were in once.”

“Really?” He looked intrigued.

Speaking in my storyteller voice, I spoke, “Three years ago was the first time I came to Sinnoh. My first lesson was to catch my first Pokémon. I was in an area that was strange for me growing up in the Hoenn region, the Eterna Forest.”

“Yeah, but you weren’t stranded on an island.”

“I might as well have been. You see, I was kidnapped, or so it seemed to me. I was able to flee my pursuers into the forest, but when I thought I had lost them and tried to leave, they used their Pokemon to basically keep me stuck in the forest. But even though I was burned many times and was attacked by many wild Pokémon, I was able to catch my little friend, Punpun. Though, I eventually found out it was a test, a lesson if you will, that Father designed to make me stronger.”

“I know your Buneary is a different color than normal Buneary, but it’s still a Buneary. It’s not a strong Pokémon like Tropius.”

“Who drop kicked you earlier today, bud?” Buneary yelped.

“It doesn’t matter that Punpun was weak at first…” I started.

“Hey!” Punpun interrupted clinching his fist at me.

“…But,” I continued while shooting a look at Punpun, “I trained him to be a very strong Pokémon, and he worked hard to get where he is right now. You can’t start with a strong Pokémon if you’re as inexperienced as you are or like I was.”

“So, I should start with a weaker Pokémon, and then try to catch Tropius?”

“Now you’re getting it. So, what other Pokémon are on this island?”

“I don’t really know,” he stammered, “I’ve really only concentrated Tropius. I’ve seen some Mankey and Rattata around, but I don’t know if there’s anything that can get us off the island.”

“What about water-types. I saw some Crabby on the beach.”

“Well, sometimes I see Dewgong and Seel on the other island.”

“I got an idea.” Buneary proclaimed.

Punpun’s fleece started to shine and his eyes glowed red as he twirled around.

“What’s it doing?” he wondered.

“It’s my Buneary’s Foresight ability,” I replied. “You see, Punpun can use Foresight in battle to help him located an evasive foe. But outside of battle, he uses it to see through objects and find people or wild Pokémon.”

Punpun bounced high into the air, still spinning. He landed on one leg and stopped glowing.

“Scaning complete!” he cried out.

“Any Dewgong, Seel or any other Pokemon that can help?” I asked.

“No Dewgong or Seel. But there was a small herd of Shellos about 40 yards west of here.”

“Jack, let’s catch you a Pokémon, follow me!”

I pulled the kid onto his feet and started running back into the forest. We eventually ran into the Shellos Punpun mentioned in another small open area. There were about eight long pink necks reaching into trunks of the trees finding some hidden fruits.

I totally forgot about food.

“There they are! Come on,” Jack emitted with vigor as I held him back.

“Wait, we need a plan of attack. There are eight of them, and we just have Punpun.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Punpun smirked.

“Look, we’ll wait until they split up. I think Punpun can handle about three of them.”

I look over towards the group of Shellos. They formed a small circle and placed the food down and were beginning to eat.

“It looks like it’ll be awhile.” My stomach grumbled again. “Plus I’m starving; let’s check some of these tree trunks.”

We collected a bunch of berries without any trouble and found a nice hiding spot behind some bushes. I leaned back on one of the trees while Punpun sat in my lap. We started eating the dry and sour berries. After a while, I noticed that Jack was lost in thought.

“Hey kid, what’s wrong?” I asked biting into another berry.

“It’s just… What if I fail? What if I can’t catch Tropius even if I do train a weaker Pokemon?”

“Why are you so dead set on capturing this Tropius anyways?”

“You see, it’s not really a wild Tropius.”

“Wait, this is a trainer’s Pokemon?”

“Not exactly. You see, when my father began his journey, he began with a Tropius and that Tropius laid an egg. The Tropius you saw is technically mine, since I hatched it, but it won’t listen to me. That’s why I’ve been coming back all this time for this Tropius.”

“I thought you said you lived with your mother?”

“I do, my father is in the Kanto region doing some research. He sends back letters and wonders if I caught Tropius yet.” He rose up to his feet and exclaimed, “I will catch you Tropius!”

“What was that?”

It wasn’t Punpun’s voice I heard. The flock of Shellos must have heard Jack.

“Get the rest of the herd away from here. We’ll go check it out.”

“Get down!” I whispered as loud as I could as I pulled Jack to the ground. I looked over the bushes we were hiding behind and saw two Shellos coming in our direction. I signaled Punpun to go on my mark.

“It sounded like a Human.” This voice sounded like a kid. It was right next to me.

“MARK!” I yelled as I reached through the bushes and punched at the younger sounding Shellos.

Punpun quickly bashed into the other Shellos, pushing it back into the clearing along with the younger Shellos.

“Hey! I thought only Pokemon battled?” Jack said following us into the clearing.

“Where’d you get that idea, T.V.?” I snickered. “If you’re ok with rocks and traps, what’s your problem with a little human-Pokemon boxing?”

The younger Shellos charged at me with its neck trusting out like a fist. I dodged around its first punch, but it quickly twisted around and made contact. I stumbled back, but quickly got my footing.

The older Shellos sucked up a big breath and let loose a wild pulse of water towards Punpun.

“Bounce” I cried out.

Punpun jumped up high barely dodging the water blast.

This Shellos was stronger.

“Use the momentum for your kick!” I instructed before I saw the younger Shellos rush towards me again.

Punpun extended his leg out towards the older Shellos. Shellos took a defense stance and begins to glimmer. Punpun’s jump kick made contact, but the Shellos brushed it off.

The younger Shellos rammed its whole body into me, but I contorted my body to transfer the energy into a counter attack, which knocked the Shellos down.

“Use the mud!” I heard the older Shellos tell the younger one. I look down to see that the water pulse the older Shellos used turned the ground mushy.

The younger Shellos used its head to knock mud onto my face. I tried to wipe it off when I felt the full force of a body slam against my ribs.

“Jesse!” I heard Punpun call out.

“I’m ok,” I lied. “Concentrate on your opponent!” I tried standing back up, when younger Shellos started pounding into my side again.

“I’m coming Jesse!” Punpun yelled.

“You should listen to your Trainer,” the older Shellos retorted.

The mud cleared from my eyes as I saw Punpun struck by blobs of aqua light.

“It burns!” Punpun cries.

It must be its hidden power.

I lifted the younger Shellos over me. It tried to chomp at my hands, but I tossed it into one of the trees.

“Punpun, agility! Run circles around it!” I said catching my breath.

The older Shellos tried to follow him but it started to get dizzy. It stopped following it, shook its head and concentrated hard. Its neck convulsed as it sent a high burst of water towards the ground, mixing it with the mud as it pulsed in all directions.

Punpun tried to dodge the attack, but got hit.

I ran to dodge the attck. This is when I noticed that I couldn’t see Jack anymore. I got caught up by the muddy water and got drenched.

When the water subsided, I saw that I landed next to Punpun.

“Looks like we’re going to have to team up,” he grinned.

“Let’s do it.”

The younger Shellos recovered from my seismic toss and joined the older Shellos. They clenched their head into their bodies and gathered water in their necks.

Punpun bounced high into the air.

I jumped a few seconds afterwards and held my right arm up.

“Super Combo Bounce!” Punpun screamed as he curled up into a defensive ball.

I gathered my energy in my palm and spiked Punpun like a volleyball towards the Shellos. The speed of our combo interrupted the two pink Pokemon’s attack, knocking them around like bowling pins.

The older Pokemon looked knocked out, a perfect time to try to catch it.

If only Jack was around with a Pokeball.

The younger Shellos gasped for air. “I’m… not… done,” it whimpered.

The pink slug radiated a yellow glow as its wounds started to disappear.

“Why can’t I recover like that?” Punpun half-joked. The only problem with our combo was that Punpun takes damage as well. He looked beat.

“Now you’ll get it,” Shellos threatened. It opened its mouth and let out a barrage of mud towards us.

I held Punpun tight to my chest taking the attack in his place. Pound after pound of mud started clumping on my back.

“No Jesse!” Punpun exclaimed.

“It’s ok,” I shuddered. “You just save your…” It stings. “…strength.”

After about a few minutes, the Shellos let up its attack or that’s what I thought.

I looked behind me and saw a giant figure protecting me. Next to it was the boy in shorts and yellow shirt.

“Now, Tropius, use Razor Leaf!” Jack commanded.

Tropius shifted onto its hind legs and twisted its body, sending out a swarm of sharp leaves piercing Shellos.

Shellos was badly damaged from the attack, but it had determination in its eyes. It shined yellow again, recovering a bit.

“Jack! Before it recovers, hit it with another grass move!” I coached.

“Right,” Jack replied.

Maybe, he has what it takes after all.

Jack looked pumped up as he yelled, “Tropius use vine whip!”

“I don’t know that move!” Tropius yelled to Jack. Jack didn’t seem like he could understand Tropius yet.

“Tropius can’t use that move,” I said while getting to my feet. “It has leaves, use them!”

“Use Razor Leaf again! Use it over and over!”

Tropius obeyed as it started to unleash waves and waves of leaves. The leaves started to glow green as Tropius flapped its wings. A tornado of the leaves spiral towards Shellos as it tried to dodge, but failed. Shellos was sent high into the air as the leaves cut against its skin.

“That’s Tropius’ Leaf Storm,” I told Jack.

“It’s powerful.” Jack’s eyes widened in amazement.

The storm of green subsided and Shellos plummeted to the ground, unconscious.

“You’re mine Shellos! Pokeball, go!”

Jack threw a Pokeball at the young Shellos; it opened turning the pink Pokemon into energy.

The ball shook a bit, before the red blinking light goes off, indicating Jack’s capture.

“Yes!” Jack exclaimed as he picked up his Pokeball. He jumped high into the air holding his new Pokemon towards the sky, “I just caught a Shellos!”

“Good job, Jack,” I congratulated as I walked over, Punpun recovering nicely in my arms. “But you don’t have to do that every time you catch a Pokemon.”

He turned back towards me and just smiled. That’s when I saw something I hadn’t seen in a while, the gleam in a trainer’s eyes of success, of achievement, a look of happiness. It was something, which I hadn’t seen in myself for a while.

“So, how’d you manage to catch Tropius over here?” I asked looking at the Fruit Pokemon.

“I told it that my friends were in trouble, that I needed its help. It gladly came along, but I haven’t captured it. I’m going to wait until I’m stronger before I’ll try that, but till then, we’ll just be buddies, right Tropius!”

“Yes, Jack. That’s right.” Tropius looked over to me. “I know you can understand me. Can you please tell him to stop calling me an ‘it.’”

“Hey Jack,” I started, “if you’re ever going to be friends with your Pokemon, you’re going to have to stop treating them like objects. Pokemon have genders. And your Tropius is…”

“A she.” Tropius responded, and I translated.

“Will do!” Jack said.

Interrupting the moment, a barrage of aqua blobs hit into Tropius’s side, causing her to yelp in pain.

“What was that, Jesse?” Jack worriedly asked.

Jack and I looked around quickly. We saw the older Shellos back on its feet angrily looking at us. Its skin was devoid of any bruises and it started to release another Hidden Power.

“Jack, get Tropius out of here.” I motion away from the clearing. “That Shellos can deal fire damage.”

“But what about you?” he exclaimed as he helped Tropius away.

I looked at the Bunny Pokemon in my arms. “Punpun, you ready?”

Punpun jumped out of my embrace and in front of me. “Always!” he said as he readied himself in a battle pose.

Wait I do have a Pokeball. I remembered the empty ball I found at the beach.

“Jack, you have your way back, now I need mine. Take care of Tropius and have her use synthesis.”

Jack nodded, and he and Tropius headed further into the forest.

“You should have captured me when I was knocked out!” Shellos smugly challenged.

“It would have made sense,” I joked, “How about a rematch?”

The Shellos started to dance around yelling to the clear sky. Clouds appeared and rain poured down on the island.

“A little rain isn’t going to harm us. Go Punpun, use Agility.”

Punpun dashed towards Shellos.

Shellos spouted out a water blast from its mouth towards Punpun. The water gradually became bigger as it passed through the rain.

Punpun couldn’t dodge the attack as I heard the smack of water knock into him.

“Punpun are you ok?”

“Bunn?” Punpun started stumbling around confused.

“Shake it off!”

Shellos rushed towards Punpun, jumped a few feet, and slammed its body into Punpun. Punpun’s body sank into the muddy ground. Shellos readied a point blank attack.

“Punpun, get out of there!” I pleaded.

But Shellos released another water pulse attack, powerful enough to launch it high into the air. Shellos prepared itself for another body slam in the air, when I saw Punpun gain his composure; he was able to endure the brutal beating.

“Use a quick attack to get yourself out of the mud.”

Punpun struggled to shake the mud’s grasp, but he got loose right before Shellos pounded into the ground.

“Why don’t you give Shellos a little taste of confusion?”

Punpun let out a few quick rhythmic punches at Shellos. Punpun jumped away leaving the Shellos dazed and confused.

It started to shoot water sporadically in every direction.

Punpun was easily able to dodge the few squirts that came towards him.

“Punpun, let loose!” I yelled enthusiastically.

Punpun jumped and smacked Shellos with his foot. He sped around and threw another barrage of punches. Shellos tried concentrating on Punpun’s speed, but it was still confused. Punpun then jumped high into the air.

“Finish it off!”

Punpun somersaulted in the air screaming, “Bunnneary!!!” Punpun used the full momentum of the bounce to stomp Shello hard into the ground, causing an explosion of mud to erupt.

When the walls of mud subsided, Punpun hopped off Shellos and staggered towards me. Shellos was unconscious once again.

“You’re up boss!”

I pulled out the Pokeball I found on the beach.

I hope this still works.

I tossed it at the Shellos. The ball activated and opened up, changing the Shellos into energy. The ball closed up and the red light started blinking.

​

 

I wrote this grade in shock because I just finished watching the latest episode of Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood.

Plot: Jesse was stranded on the island because his father literally wanted to teach him a lesson? And because of that, Jack also got stranded? I got a good laugh out of that. However, I don’t understand the boys’ goal about catching a Shellos. Is the Shellos just so Jack can have a Pokémon he can train? Or is the Shellos also meant to be a way for them to get out of the island? If it’s the latter, realistically, a small Shellos wouldn’t be able to carry even one of them out of the island. It would make more sense if Punpun and a Shellos or two joined together to capture Tropius, a Pokémon that would be able to carry both of the humans away.

Jesse’s recount of his father and his first lesson in Eterna Forest really shot the whole, “A father stranding his son is too farfetched,” idea out of mind. You never explained why his father is trying to make him stronger or toughen him up, though. Is it because his father wants Jesse to become a stronger trainer or is it because Jesse is the one who wants to become stronger? Do they have a mutual understanding of, “I don’t like how you teach me your lessons, but I’ll suck it up and take it.” or is it more of a, “He’s dragging me into all these lessons despite the fact that I do not want learn them.”?

And why can Jesse understand Pokémon speech? It took me off-guard when I found out and you never explained.

Other than that, I enjoyed the plot. It was unexpected and simple.

Introduction: Hah, what a fun way to start off a story. Immediately, I get a sense of what kind of relationship Jesse has with his father. Jesse seems more annoyed than worried, which sets the mood for the story. Instead of this becoming a story about a frantic kid looking for a way home, the mood is more light-hearted with some humor. Jesse himself was described nicely, and so was the island and exactly where it was situated in regards to the rest of the islands. Great job on this.

Grammar/Spelling: Your grammar and spelling were great as a whole, but upon a closer inspection, you had many typos here and there. These mistakes ranged from missing commas to awkwardly-arranged sentences (as in, you changed your mind about where the sentence was going but didn’t fix the beginning.) The mistakes were numerous enough for me to get mildly annoyed, so set aside more time for proofreading. One more read-through can do wonders.

A person cannot “smirk” dialogue, so the comma should be changed into a period.

You also had instances where you didn’t capitalize what you needed to. Such instances were “Premier ball” (Premier Ball) and Canalave city (Canalave City). Both words are part of the title or name, so both should be capitalized. Keep an eye out for that.

Also, it’s “Krabby,” not “Crabby.” A lot of Pokémon names are weirdly spelled, so it’s a good idea to browse through a Poké Dex before your start writing. I myself have made mistakes like this, such as “Driftloon” and “Dusclop.”

Length: More than enough at 25K.

Description/Detail: This jumped from good to skimpy. When you were describing Jesse’s clothing, for example, you did it gradually, but when it came to Jack, you mentioned in one string of words what he was wearing. It was a bit jarring to read it in this manner after reading it in a different manner in the beginning. Consistency is one way you can avoid confusing or annoying readers. The way you described Jesse is the way to go. You did not flood a sentence with information. You gradually let the reader know what your character looked like. Avoid having rushed descriptions like Jack’s.

Describing Pokémon is something you neglected you do, and it was especially needed in your story. Shellos come in two variations, and their color is not the only thing different about them. What if you had one Shellos in mind but your reader was thinking of a different one with the right color but the wrong body structure? There’s a big difference there. You also had a Shiny Pokémon in your story. What if I didn’t know exactly what a shiny Buneary looked like? I know that a shiny Buneary is not a solid lavender color, that’s for sure; it’s fur is tinted with lavender.

For the rest of the Pokémon, description is a good way to not only get in the habit of describing everything but to remind the reader what a Pokémon looks like. We have exceeded 500 Pokémon, so we cannot think up a perfect picture of just one or two immediately, right?

You have a tendency to describe the immediate surroundings, but when it comes for scenes changes or when characters walk across the area, you don’t describe anymore. When Jesse and Jack were walking towards the Shellos, was the scenery just tree after tree, or was it mostly sand now? A scenery’s first impression is not always true for the whole place.

Battle: Lengthy, and I haven’t read many human vs. Pokémon battles. However, the battle (or battles) was a bit bland. Description was minimal when it came to some moves. When Shellos healed itself, it was merely “it glowed, and then it was alright.” Pokémon moves can be interpreted in so many ways, and battles are a time for your creativity to shine. Did the cuts mend themselves and close, or did they disappear as though they were never there?

That brings me to the fact that you never described the effects of an attack. How many cuts did they have? Was there singed fur? Were they drenched from head to foot? Again, it’s time to get creative. When you tell us how these attacks effected them in terms other than power and endurance, you are making the story a lot more realistic. I mean, leaves as sharp as kitchen knives aren’t going to leave the Pokémon without a scratch, right?

Outcome: I had no doubt, despite some qualms. Shellos captured! The main things you need to work on is getting rid of those pesky typos and mistakes and learning to describe more in depth. Have fun with your Pokémon! :3

- Kat

 

Yeah, I wrote this story long before I became a grader and paid attention to grammar and describing Pokemon. Also, there was a whole wrap up after he caught the Shellos that I wrote and just took out since we had to wait for a grade. Thanks for the grade and I'll take everything you said into consideration.