The First Samurai

In the Viridian forest, a young man yelled gleefully at the sky as he held a large bug-catching net in his hand. "I say, today Anzo the Samurai will not fail," he shouted triumphantly. "I will go out into the forest of Viridian and capture a new Pokemon." He adjusted his samurai helmet and held his right hand on the hilt of his sword as he left his cabin. He was ready to challenge any who appeared in front of him, as running from a battle would be an insult to his samurai code. 'With my loyal Pinsir by my side, the two of us can fell any foe, human or Pokemon alike,' he thought as he slowly stalked through the forest, hoping to catch sight of any wild Pokemon before they saw him. Once he found himself sufficiently deep within the forest, he camouflaged himself within a large bush and waited to see movement.

After several hours, he heard he heard a small rustling a dozen feet or so from his encroachment. He slowly peeked his head out and saw a small, green like Pokemon eating a fallen leaf that was in the middle of the path. The wild Pokemon had a segmented body with a yellow underside and a green body on-top, with white circle markings placed along its sides and at the end of its body there was a small yellow segmented tail. At the front the Pokemon had two yellow eyes with large black irises, and a Y-shaped pink antennae between its eyes. The wild Pokemon slowly ate the leaf and then began to move down the path once its meal was finished.

Anzo jumped out of the bushes in front of the wandering Pokemon and readied his Pokeball. "Wild Pokemon," he shouted towards the catepillar, "I challenge you to a battle! I declare that you will soon be under my command, and that we shall be great partners against all who challenge us. Do you accept my battle challenge?" He eagerly looked towards the wild Pokemon, hoping it would notice him and accept the challenge; however it just continued to move down the path, ignoring the trainer.

The trainer then ran in front of the Pokemon and drew his sword, pointing it at the wild Pokemon. "I say," he yelled, shouting louder than before, "will you accept my challenge? Even a lowly Pokemon such as yourself must have honor enough to accept a lively challenge from me and my Pinsir." As he awaited the Pokemon's response, he suddenly heard a large object moving towads from coming from behind. As he turned to face the new challenger he yelled, "well maybe this new foe will challenge me!" When his eyes fixed upon what was behind him, he let out a sharp shriek. Half a dozen Beedrill were moving quickly towards Anzo, causing him to quickly turn around and flee. As he ran, he caught sight of the wild Caterpie running several feet in front of him as the Pokemon was trying to escape the swarm too.

Anzo quickened his pace and matched speed with the wild Caterpie, and he leaned down and picked up the wild Pokemon into his arms. "Come, my friend," he said to the Pokemon, "we have a better chance of surviving if we run together." The Pokemon nodded and curled itself up in the samurai's arms as the human ran with him. After several minutes of high-paced running, the young man made his way back to his cabin and slammed the door. He set the wild Pokemon down next to the door and listened intently as the Beedrill swarm passed outside.

After the danger passed, the trainer opened the door and led the wild Caterpie outside. The Pokemon seemed to smile at him and rubbed up against his leg as he stepped out of the cabin. He looked down at the Pokemon and knelt so he could be at its level. "So, wild Pokemon," he began, "how about that challenge? Would you want to become my Pokemon?"

The Caterpie nodded and ran a few dozen feet from the young samurai and prepared for battle. Even though he now wanted to belong to Anzo, he would not let himself be captured easily.

Anzo smiled and laughed as he saw the wild Pokemon take the offensive stance. "You have a fighting spirit, I like that in a Pokemon. Now, to introduce you to my first Pokemon. Go, Pinsir!" The samurai threw a red and white Pokeball into the air and the large Stag Beetle Pokemon appeared with a flash of white light. "Pinsir, now is the time to add another to our ranks. Use Tackle attack and weaken Caterpie!"

The bug-type Pokemon nodded and rushed towards its small target. The wild Pokemon quickly jumped out of the way of the attack and shot string towards Pinsir's feet. The string began to solidify and harden around the Pokemon's feet, and Pinsir started to slow down.

"No Pinsir," Anzo wailed, "jump straight up to get out of that String Shot attack, and then Tackle Caterpie again." He watched as his Pokemon shook off the hardening string by jumping and then headed straight towards Caterpie. This time, the attack hit the wild Pokemon head-on, causing Caterpie to yell in pain.

The small bug-type Pokemon was now determined to go on the offensive. It launched itself towards Pinsir's body, striking it right between the eyes. Although the attack did not too do much damage to Pinsir, the point of impact left it dazed for a few moments. Caterpie then took the opportunity to start to lay down more String Shot.

"Pinsir, quickly escape from the string attack and use Tackle again on the wild Caterpie," Anzo commanded. Pinsir heeded his trainer's orders and freed himself from the String Shot and charged again at Caterpie. The attack once again hit the wild Pokemon directly, causing Caterpie to fly backwards from the impact and strike a tree. Caterpie looked weak and unable to battle, so the samurai readied a Pokeball.

The young trainer threw the Pokeball at Caterpie, and watched as the wild Pokemon got sucked inside with red light. The ball shook several times until a beeping noise was heard from the small ball. "Yes," Anzo exclaimed, "I caught Caterpie!" He quickly ran over and picked up his freshly-caught Pokemon. He pressed the button in the middle of the ball and watched as Caterpie emerged. "Now Caterpie, are you ready to start training as my Pokemon? I know we'll make a great team." The Pokemon nodded in agreement as Anzo recalled his Pinsir, and he and his new Pokemon walked back inside the cabin.

Note: Because I totally didn't forget this for a week xD

MCR: Caterpie (3-5k)
CC: 6,187

 

Claiming.

 

Plot: The "journey" plot.

Climax: Early one Anzo said his blade could defeat any foe, human or Pokemon alike … I guess this doesn’t involve a horde of Beedrills – not this would be okay, overconfidence meeting reality, but we never explore that. And instead, we have the clichéd “Journey” plot.

Don’t get me wrong, the “Journey” plot can be okay, most people on the Nuzlocke forums can make it work when they’re documenting their runs, but there’s absolutely nothing that drives to us like the character enough to be happy he survives the Beedrills or makes a friend in Caterpie or quite frankly, care. But I digress, as for the actual battling, we get a 2 turner that consists of a highly exciting exchange of tackles with the occasional string shots.

So … I guess there isn’t really a climax?

Now there isn't a problem with not having a "satisfactory" climax to a story, some are in fact great because of this but when you use that particular plot the only way to end it satisfactory is having some kind of battle or contest or something of the like - and just exchanging tackle isn't really the best way to do it ... Now, if you explained any reasons why it wouldn't be able or want to use any flashy or big attacks like the area being cramped, it being hurt, etc.

Also, don't be afraid of making a one-sided battle (in moderation), while most time they're boring, it's better for a quick curbstomp than something like Arceus v Caterpie being dragged out unreallistically long. I doubt a Caterpie would be able to take a Pinsir that's well (unless it's very new or just recently bred or something).

Grammar and Length: S’okay, I suppose.

Description: I have no idea how the character looks like, how the area looks like, nor how Pinsir looks like (you should always describe the mons).

Now, when I say description I don't mean like make a paragraph detailing the Pokemon once and that's it, I meant that you can describe things on steps, for example when doing the run away scene:

"Anzo run, his body armor clanking and making loud noises alerting all the bugs in the vicinity of their presence, making the peaceful greenery soon be filled with color of small bugs and coocons showing up to see what was happening - and making the swarm of angry bees harder almost impossible to shake off, by his side, ran his big brown beetle trying to shake them off."

I conveyed the plot while describing the characters and the background (even if a bit poorly). This is ideally the kind of description you should have most of the time - except when introducing new concepts, areas or people.

Verdict: I’ve seen you do much better, not passed.