The Boy, The Ant, and The Dunce.

It was a beautiful afternoon in Petalburg woods, the wind was blowing gently with the slight scent of honey. The forest was generally quiet with only the faint noises of Pokemon playing through the trees and Shroomish releasing spores. that is until Seth came along with his new Trapinch who seemed somewhat nervous around Seth. Seth was 15 year old boy with with long dirt brown hair with a red sweat shirt, short jeans, a belt holding Pokeballs and other gear, camouflage-colored shoes, and a sort of rash personality. He usually lives in Saltport city, but he's visiting Petalburg woods due to the fact some seldom seen decently powered Pokemon live there.

He threw his Pokeball out to reveal a short orange Pokemon with a big head and sharp teeth who sniffed the ground out of curiosity. The Trapinch was named gordon and he was Seth's first Pokemom. He found him one day at Lavaridge City who was drowning in one of the hot springs due to curiosity biting the cat. After Seth saved him, the two gained a strong relationship almost immediately, though at times they bicker due to the two being at a "different pace". Gordon was slower then Seth in almost every category, meaning they would often fight with each other over pacing.

Eventually the two decided to sit down for a bit to enjoy the views of nature.

"It feels sort of weird having a Pokemon for the first time, but I have to admit you look cool, in fact I find your big head sort of funny" Seth remarked to Gordon, his Trapinch who gave out a puzzled look.

"There seems to be Pokemon all over the place, I think I should practice with you Gordon. If we're lucky we could fight all sorts of Shroomish and stuff to fight, want to help me?" stated Seth to his Trapinch.

Gordon gave out a soft "Trap" and nod and started to look for anything worth fighting. Trapinch started to look and saw a lot of tree, a few murky puddles, and the ever so common Wurmple munching on some leaves. All of a sudden Gordon spotted something yellow off in the distance slithering away and started to run toward it slowly. Seth on the other hand looked for a Pokemon too, to help his view he started to climb up a tree and try to look for a Flying-type or a tree climbing Pokemon like Slakoth. He tried to climb the tree one branch at a time, but fell after climbing 10 branches on his back.

"Ugh... That smarts..." Seth said in pain. He rubbed his back for a few seconds until the pain was gone and started to look for Gordon. After searching for a few minutes Seth found Gordon tugging on something yellow. Seth helped Gordon pull out the creature. After a huge tug-fest, the creature came out in panic. It was an interesting Pokemon, appearing to be a plump snake-like creature with tiny near unusable wings and a drill for a tail.
"Dunsparce! Dun! Dun!!!" yelled the creature in fear and confusion.

Seth stared at this "Dunsparce" as it was called, He has heard of tales about Dunsparce being a very rare Pokemon that rarely shows up to people or Pokemon and being capable of using good luck to win battles. Seth expected something... more awe-inspiring so to speak, but judging a book by it's cover is pointless. Despite this Seth wanted to capture the creature for it's luck value in battle. While Gordon was holding the Dunsparce, the creature managed to slither out of Gordon's large jaws.

"Gordon, don't let that thing go! Use your Rock Tomb!" Seth yelled

Gordon yelled "Trapinch" and slammed into the ground creating massive rocks from bellow, the rocks surrounded the Dunsparce blocking all potential escape routes. Trapinch then jumped into the arena-like mass of rocks eager to take down the critter. The Dunsparce all of a sudden started to glow a light blue color and started to shoot out a powerful Blizzard! Trapinch barely dodged the hurricane of ice by a thread due to his poor speed and countered by biting into Dunsparce's neck for massive damage.

"Dunce!" said the Dunsparce as it's tail started to turn like a drill.

"What's that thing doing?" questioned Seth.

The Dunsparce all of a sudden started to use it's tail to burrow underground with Gordon still attached to the creature. The Dunsparce all of a sudden started to spaz out trying everything in it's power to shake of the powerful jaws of a Trapinch. Gordon tried to break free, but his teeth got pretty deep into Dunsparce causing him to be ironically stuck.

"Gordon, stop playing around and use Rock tomb to stop it!" Yelled Seth.

Mustering energy, Trapinch used his Rock Tomb attack to pull out a dozen stones out of no where in front of the GoofballMcspazatron Dunsparce. Like planned, the Dunsparce rams into the hunk of stone and stops in it's tracks with a daze. After struggling, Gordon finally released his mighty jaws and felt proud of defeating a fairly powerful dunsparce.

"That was really crazy, but the rush felt great." said Seth.
"Now you shall be mine Dunsparce, you'll make a good edition of the team."

Seth threw the Pokeball at the Dunsparce.

1 shake to know the ball works.

2 shakes means it's effective.

3 shakes and it's almost done.

*click*

Dunsparce was caught!

"Well that was easier then I expected, but I wonder why it didn't use it's 'luck abuse' abilities... but anyway, I think I'll nickname it Waldo." Seth said.

Seth returned Gordon to his Pokeball and checked the details about the new Pokemon:

Species: Dunsparce
Nickname: Waldo
Gender Male
Nature: Impish
Characteristic: Somewhat vain
Ability: Serene grace
Moves:
Blizzard
Roost
Dig
Take Down​

Later, Seth decided to go to the nearest town, Rustboro City, to heal his Pokemon at the Pokemon center. The Pokemon center was surprisingly busy for the evening, only a few people were around including trainers and the nurse. Seth decided to let both Waldo and Gordon have rest and a quick bite. Gordon wasn't keen to Waldo yet, ignoring any of his actions. Waldo wasn't keen to Seth nor Gordon ether, still appearing to be freaking out. Waldo appeared to refuse eating any of Seths food too. The attention it's getting from strangers might not be helping the situation though. A group showed up with a spark in there eyes, staring at the Pokemon.

"Wow, isn't that a Dunsparce!?" said a young boy.
"It's cute in a weird way." said a girl.
"Can we play with it? pleeeaaasssee?" pleased the blond haired girl.

"Ugh... sure?" said Seth blankly.

All of the trainers started to jump all over Waldo, pulling on it's wings, tail, and large head. Waldo squirmed all his might, but the kids ambitions were just too strong even for him. Without saying, his serene grace was not at full play in this situation. Seth tried to pull Waldo away from the cluster of spastic strangers, but it was too much even for him despite him being older. Gordon on the other hand just stood behind the scenes laugh his arse off at Waldo's embarrassment. After a few minutes, the kids decided to take a break of a ugly Dunsparce and started to group on a trainer's Clefairy.

"Well... I guess I have to be more careful then with my choice of words." Said Seth at his knocked out Dunsparce. Waldo simply replied with a groan.

End.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that's my story of capturing a Dunsparce. I know it sucks, this story was rushed and I have little experience with this RPG and story making. I can make this longer or fix errors if asked.

 

The Good

Plot:
The opening paints a good picture of where Seth is located and the reason why he is there. You have a good idea how to write for the most basic plots and that's a good start in the URPG. Seth and Trapinch have interesting personalities that can create some good conflict later.

Detail:
As I said already, the opening is nice. Throughout the story you do a good job giving details to even small actions. The descriptions of your attacks during battle make it fun and give it more intensity than simple saying "Dunsparce was hit by Bite".

Effort for Pokemon:
The battle was pretty good and the descriptions made it fun to watch.

Improve Upon

Grammar:
Normally, this isn't that big a deal, except as I was marking things down, you had 14 spots wrong in the first paragraph. The rest of the story wasn't easy to read either.

It was a beautiful afternoon in Petalburg woods, the wind was blowing gently with the slight scent of honey. The forest was generally quiet with only the faint noises of Pokemon playing through the trees and Shroomish releasing spores. That was until Seth came along with his new Trapinch, whom seemed somewhat nervous around Seth. Seth was a 15 year old boy with with long dirt brown hair, wearing with a red sweat shirt, short jeans, a belt holding Pokeballs and other gear, and camouflage-colored shoes. He had a sort of rash personality. He usually lived in Slateport city, but he's visiting Petalburg woods due to the fact that some seldom seen decently powered Pokemon live there.​

You will need to go back and fix the mistakes throughout the story. Re-read it carefully- make sure you have the correct punctuation in your sentences. Make sure you have the correct tense usage (past tense, not present). Do you have everything Capitalized that needs it, such as names and Pokemon?

He found him one day at Lavaridge City whom was drowning in one of the hot springs due to curiosity biting the cat.​

I know you're trying to use the cliche (it's not even said correctly) but it really doesn't work in this sentence.

"Well that was easier then I expected"
then -> than

it's -> its [it's means 'it is'.]

"all of a sudden" - you use this a lot, heh. Try to find different word combinations to use, otherwise the reader gets bored reading the same words over and over.

Plot:
You give a little background of Seth and Trapinch but I found myself wondering why I would want to read anymore about your character. What makes him and his story interesting? That's what you, as the author, has to do. What are Seth's ambitions in life? Is it just to catch Pokemon, or perhaps become the Master? Top Breeder?

When you start a story, the most important issue to address is to give the main character his/her background. Having Seth go from Slateport City to Petalburg could have been explained better than "to catch rare Pokemon." Is he there alone or with his family or a friend? What happens when he finds a Pokemon, does he go back home or travel around Hoenn? The story doesn't explain who Seth is and why he does what he is doing. At the Dunsparce level and above, we're going to expect these kinds of plot angles to drive the story.

It's not bad, it just has no support to back it up. It's like a table without legs.

Detail:
There weren't any big issues here, apart from the background detail left out from the plot (which I won't go into again). So descriptions were solid enough. You can always add more to strengthen the story and it'll give it more depth than a simple capture, like this is. Not going to go into specific detail here since there's enough for you to work on already.

Effort for Pokemon:
Interesting battle... except Dunsparce never fought back successfully. One sided battles are not good and you need to give the defending Pokemon a chance to attack. This will make the battle far more interesting and realistic. Dunsparce will require more effort than a couple attacks against it. After its failed attempt to run, it should stop digging and fight. You can get at least three more turns each this way, making it longer in the process.

Everything after you 'catch' Dunsparce I did not count toward this grade because there is no effort toward catching it. When you throw a Pokeball, let it wiggle around and a Grader will determine if it's caught. Once that happens, THEN you continue your story. And with that part not counted, your story drops dramatically in the length department.


Personal Review and Tips

I want to play the nice guy, but there's too many problems here to let it go. Once you work on your plot and filling in character backgrounds, and increase the battle to something more fair, you'll find the length requirement can be easily fulfilled. Remember, it's not always about catching Pokemon but creating a story about your character and giving him/her reasons to do what he/she does. Sure these stories are all about catching Pokemon, but you can't do that on a table without legs.

Take your time to think about your story, there is no rush to get this written as fast as you can. Re-read it a couple times. Look for those grammar errors. Ask for feedback before it's ready; there's plenty of people that can help. You are free to edit this at your leisure, but I think it might be easier to start over with an easier Pokemon and use this story as a guideline.

Spoiler

Outcome- Dunsparce Not Captured!

~Jack~