Ten to Cool

"Where did you get your hair cut, the toilet store?" the leader laughed, to which the cronies joined with their roars of mirth in their quest for approval. The head Poliwag's eyes glinted with swagger as he looked down on the much smaller Poliwag with disdain. Poliwag were generally quite small compared to most Pokemon, and their round and goofy appearance made them quite noticeable here in the ponds, but they were never seen as very threatening. That is, until Polis came along.

Polis was quite unlike the other Poliwag in fact. While they had stubby tadpole-like tails, he had a much longer and elegant looking tail. He was also noticeably taller and he often dunked his head below the water surface into the algae, which caused the green growth to cling to his face giving him a mature appearance; it looked like he had a slick goatee.

His crew were weakling Poliwag, which kind of suited him well. They wouldn't question him and they'd do anything to be on his good side. And that's why they laughed at the poor Tentacool sitting on the rock.

"Yeah, toilet boy!" one of the rougher Poliwag roared before glancing over at his ringleader just in time to see him nod. The others cackled away as the disheartened Tentacool looked back into the water at his reflection. The red parts of his head lit up a little, almost as though he was blushing. It wasn't until the king Poliwag had swaggered off, followed by the eager brethren, that Tentacool spoke up.

"Ugh, I hate that Poliwag!" Tentacool exclaimed. "Who does he think he is commenting on other Pokemon's appearance!? Poliwag aren't even good looking Pokemon anyway! They're hardly Lumineon now, are they?!" Someone should do something about that big old bully."

"Well, there's nothing you can do," his mother reminded him over their seaweed brunch the next morning. It's how the food chain works, boy. Pokemon like us Tentacool got to suck it up and accept our place in this society. Poliwag have claimed this turf, and perhaps it'd be best if we moved on. I hear that Sandy Beach is great around this time of year. We belong in seawater anyway! We never did belong in a pond of all places!" she finished, slurping up the last piece of seaweed.

"Well if you won't help me, I'll find someone who will!" Tentacool exclaimed, slamming the rocks together to show his displeasure. He did not have a door to slam.

It took a lot of thinking before Tentacool made another attempt to stop Polis and his gang of thugs. He had to really rack his brains to come up with who he might be able to contact, and who would help him and not just Ratticate him out to the Poliwag gang. He couldn't tell Seaking for he was wise, but far too old to do anything. He considered telling the local Lombre, but that was also not the greatest of ideas. Lombre was a very shadey Pokemon, well known for selling all kinds of unusual herbs and plants to underage Pokemon. Besides, her constant fidgeting about made Tentacool feel a little unsettled a lot of the time. Then, Tentacool had an idea. It was a long shot, but he didn't really have much other options; He had to go directly to the source of the problem.

And so, Tentacool waited until night was under way and the pond had died down for slumber and other such activities. Using his two large tentacles, he propped himself from his thinking stone and down into the cool dark water below, shivering a little as he felt how cold it really was down there. Ducking his head down and closing his eyelids, Tentacool wiggled his body frantically as his tentacles propelled him forward blindly. He had only a rough idea of where exactly it was he needed to go.

His journey was undisturbed, and he didn't so much as see one single other Pokemon before he got to where he thought he should be. He saw the Lotad resting amidst the reeds and he figured this was as good of a place as any to ask around. The groggy Lotad were a little reluctant to give him information, but eventually they caved in as they really just wanted to go back to sleep and this particular Tentacool was being rather persistent. They told him where he could find the Poliwag's den.

The den wasn't so much a den as it was a quiet little puddle-ridden cave. The ground that wasn't covered in water was pretty much all occupied by sleeping Poliwag and the sound of their snores filled the peaceful little den. As Tentacool stealthily made his way through the cave, avoiding touching any snoozing Poliwag, he couldn't help but notice Polis and his gang of thugs lying their on the ground. They didn't look half as tough with their eyes closed and their tails between their legs!

Eventually, he found who he was looking for. Just before the back of the cave he saw a large green Pokemon with a yellow swirl on its stomach. This Pokemon was known as Politoed, and it was very much the Poliwag elder. No matter how tough Polis thought he was, Tentacool knew that he would listen to his elder Politoed with respect and then learn from his mistakes. Just as Tentacool drew up a slimey tentacle, ready to prob the sleeping Politoed, the green frog Pokemon woke up. He looked at Tentacool expectantly, not in the least bit alarmed.

"Do you want something?" Politoed asked in a very bored manner.

"Uh, well, y-yes," Tentacool stammered. He hadn't really thought this part through as well as he should have. "Do you uh know of the Poliwag Polis?" Tentacool asked, wincing a little for some reason.

"Why wouldn't I know one of my young!?" The Politoed boomed. "You think I don't remember each of my two hundred and thirty seven spawn well? Do I not love them, is that it?" Politoed asked, voice rising. Tentacool looked back at the Poliwag sleeping away around him. If Politoed kept booming like this, they would surely wake, and they would not be very happy. That, he was certain of.

"Well... of course. Yes. It's just... well. I was hoping you'd y'know stop him... uh... bullying the others..." Tentacool trailed off.

Politoed gave him a disgusted look before standing up, drawing his body upwards and shoving his chest out proudly.

"You calling my boy a bully... Is that so, squid?" Politoed demanded. It was not a question so much as it was an accusation. "I've had enough of this nonsense, boy! I'm gonna have my children deal with you."

Tentacool let out a very-audible squeak. Why did he think that this was a good idea earlier. If Polis and his band of goons weren't very nice, why on earth did Tentacool think that his father would be! Polis clearly learned it from somewhere... stupid, self-entitled stupid-head.

"No, don't!" Tentacool cried out. "I just thought maybe you could help is all!" Tentacool knew that he'd have to try another tactic if he wanted to make it out of here alive. "You know... I've heard so much good things about you that I knew you'd wanna do the right thing," Tentacool continued, hoping that he came across a lot more confident than he felt.

"Is that so?" Politoed exclaimed, rubbing his belly. "Why... of course. You sea-critters sure must look up to us pondfolk... Hmm yes. I'll tell you what, kid. Now listen up 'cause I'm only saying this once. I won't wake my chidren up to tear you a new one... provided you do something for me."

Tentacool saw no way out.

"... Go on."

"I do need me a new missus. And your maw's still not too shabby now is she?"

Tentacool didn't even have time to feel horrified.

"She got a nice pair of tentacles of her, alright... Yeah, you could use a new daddy, eh sport?" Politoed gave Tentacool a hard slap on the back with a meaty hand.

Tentacool tried his best to smile, but a jellyfish can only smile so well. He didn't really have much of a say here.

"Go wake your new brother Polis! Tell him the good news, eh? He'll love to have a new baby brother to knock about huh? Make a man of you yet, won't we!"

Tentacool gulped, which did not go unnoticed by Politoed.

"I... uh."

"Speak up, boy."

"I don't think I can agree to that... my mother probably would prefer a Tenta-"

"Oh ho ho. Is that so, eh?! Well, why don't we make ourselves a li'l wager, eh sport? Yeah, we will alright. You win, you get to leave with your mother still alone and unprotected, and I might even tell Polis to ease up on you. Maybe. But if I win, I get your mother all to myself."

It sounded a little too good to be true. Tentacool had his suspicions.

"What would I have to do exactly?"

"Why, knock Polis down a peg or two. He's my boy, but he's a little cocky. You're gonna beat him man-on-man and maybe his cronies will seek a new leader."

"I'm not fighting hi-"

"You don't have a say... POLIS, GET UP AND PROVE YOUR WORTH TO ME!" Politoed bellowed causing the den of Poliwag to waken up and see what all the commotion was about.

And so, Tentacool soon found himself in the center of the den, encircled by tens of blue tadpole Pokemon that were making various noises in support of Polis. The Poliwag facing Tentacool flexed his tail, something Tentacool had never seen done before, before hopping up and down excitedly. Polis sure seemed pumped to battle. Tentacool looked down at his spaghetti-like tentacles and sighed. Hopefully he wouldn't get too thrashed.

Polis, naturally enough, made the first move. He bounded forwards a few steps before lunging towards Tentacool... who swiftly ducked to one side. The crowd gasped a little. They didn't expect Polis to trip up, but Tentacool was agile. It may not be the strongest fighter but damn was it as dainty and elegant as a ballerina. Polis charged forward once more, head tucked inwards in preparation for headbutting Tentacool. Tentacool shot his tentacles upwards, grabbed onto the stalactites above and yanked himself up... just in the nick of time. Polis charged by, stopping just before hitting the wall. Tentacool landed down on the hard cave floor with a squishy sound.

Tentacool took the moment's break to open up his mouth and spit out a glob of dark brown towards the beefed up Poliwag. The muddy sludge smacked Poliwag in the stomach, covering his spiral design with brown stains. Poliwag shot out a jet of high-intensity bubbles. Tentacool didn't even have to move as the bubbles rebounded off of his squidgy exterior. Tentacool looked quite unharmed.

By this stage, Tentacool noticed that the crowd's cries in support of Polis had changed a little. They seemed to be chanting "Ten to cool"... wait, that didn't make any sense. No, they were definitely chanting "Tentacool". Tentacool smiled a little at this. He felt like nothing could knock him down right now. Turning to his new fans, he raised his tentacles high and flailed them about. He really did wave them in the air like he didn't care. But, Tentacool should have cared, and he should not have let his guard down. All it took was that moment of weakness for Polis to take advantage and the brutish Poliwag was ontop of Tentacool in no time, forcing his face into the cave floor. Polis whacked at Tentacool with his bulky feet and sneered as the crowd cheered him on. Soon more bodies dog-piled on top of the poor Tentacool as he just lay there helpless. He felt hard feet kick at him... so many relentless feet trying to teach him a lesson for entering their territory, for waking the up from their slumber, for thinking that Poliwag would not support their brethren. Tentacool blacked out.

It must've been quite some time before Tentacool woke up for it was bright in the cave. His body throbbing with pain, he tried to lift himself upwards, but his tentacles collapsed beneath him. He fell down hard and groaned as his face smacked against the cold ground once more. He didn't really want to remember what happened: he knew, but he didn't want to thread on the subject if he could help it. The cave was empty now. But surely enough the Poliwag would be back here, and they would probably want to remind him of how dangerous it was to trespass on Poliwag territory.

Trudging through the pain, Tentacool flopped forward towards the source of light, and again, and again. He felt weak and useless, worse than a Magikarp even. He forced his body forwards until he reached the mouth of the cave, and then onto the warm soft grass below. He wanted to stop and rest, but he couldn't. He kept going, flimsy tentacles dragging him over the grass until he reached the water of the lake, where he gave on almighty leap into the water. Wiggling and spinning, Tentacool made his way home to his mother to tell her what had happened and to leave this God-foresaken place for good.

Tentacool belong in the sea.

We should all stay where we belong.


--

Pokemon: Tentacool (Simple), Poliwag (Simple)
CC: 12,594

 

Mine. Haha

:naughty:Beat you to it @Elysia

 

My apologies for the delay. Fair warning, I’m going to be more critical since you’ve already written a couple of stories and have a solid grasp on them. Oh, wow, this is totally longer than necessary. Oops. :x Uh, hope there's something you take away from this.

Introduction
You started off with an insult by a leader on some unknown pokemon. The insult was, to be honest, quite strange – “Where did you get your hair cut, the toilet store?” I get what you mean – Polis, the big bad bully, is insulting unknown character’s appearance. The good thing about the insult is that you are immediately able to establish to the reader that the bully is very crude and likely to be highly unintelligent. My qualm with it is that the insult doesn’t make much sense, making it both distracting and confusing. I’m actually not sure what a toilet store is. Is it just a place that sells toilets? It’s important for this not to be the case as, I’m sure you know, that the first few sentences are what draw your readers in, and being confused right off the bat makes your readers not want to stick around. Later on, we find out that Polis is insulting a Tentacool, which makes me wonder. At first, I assumed “you(r)” to be a human owing to the hair part (admittedly, it could’ve been anything with fur, but that’s beside the point), but when you reveal that it’s actually a Tentacool, I am left to wonder what hair exists on Tentacool that is being referred to. I’ll go out on a limb and say no, Tentacool doesn’t have hair, and following that line of thinking, I now wonder why the insult affected Tentacool. Is Tentacool just incredibly sensitive that it’ll react to any and all insults, or is Tentacool just not aware that it doesn’t have hair?

Another thing I want to mention is that initially, I thought Polis was insulting another Poliwag, possibly one that did not belong to its clique/group/gang whatever. This is based on your second sentence. “The head Poliwag's eyes glinted with swagger as he looked down on the much smaller Poliwag with disdain.” However, not long after, around three short paragraphs away, you went on to mention that, in fact, it was a Tentacool, not a Poliwag, which brought on even more confusion. Honestly, all this confusion wasn’t good for maintaining my attention.

Now, let’s look at the setting you presented during the introduction. You mention ponds and the presence of Poliwag. There is also mention of algae. Otherwise, readers don’t know much about the pond. Is it one pond or is there a collection of ponds? Is the water clear, polluted, murky? What about crowdedness? Is there enough space, or are the pokemon smushed up against each other, competing for valuable space? I guess this part overlaps with the description section a bit. Just keep in mind that setting is really important for establishing your story in order to help readers visualize the entirety of the scene you are trying to portray.

What about personality? I really liked how you were able to create distinct characters right off the bat – not with a huge backstory and complex personality but sufficiently different in that they have their own “voice.” You immediately distinguish Polis as a brute, Tentacool-protagonist as somewhat defiant – not too daring but maybe just fed up with the status quo, and Tentacool-mom as extremely passive, and you managed to achieve this with just a few lines of dialogue. Definite props to you for that. I’ll just point out that you didn’t actually give Tentacool-protagonist a name. If Tentacool-mom had been more evident, there might have been the possibility of confusion between the two. Since Tentacool-mom only appeared to establish that a) Poliwag have established their position b) They live in Freshwater for some reason c) Poliwag eat Tentacool? I’m just kidding on the predator prey thing, but you mentioned the food chain, and while I’m pretty sure you didn’t mean that, that’s essentially what you implied.
Plot

The plot is basically bully against victim wherein the victim fights back. Interestingly enough, instead of directly fighting against the bully, the Tentacool goes as far as invading Polis’ home turf in order to talk with the Politoed. At the beginning of your story, once I got the gist that this was going to focus on bully and protagonist, I immediately thought that the protagonist would rise up against the bully and eventually prevail, leading me to believe that this would be a boring and predictable story. However, I was pleasantly surprised when I found out I was wrong. Instead of the classic defeat of the bully, Tentacool gets a reality check upon confronting the Politoed. Not only that, he gets beaten up as a result. I like how you gave the readers a totally idealistic Tentacool, which I presume to be relatively young because of his actions and beliefs as exemplified in the scene between him and his mother, and in the end, you give Tentacool a massive dose of reality, showing him that not all is right in the world and that one is not able to change everything to one’s liking. Finally, he learns that he has his place – “Tentacool belong in the sea. We should all stay where we belong.” More than anything, the story basically is a short snippet that tells us that the world is not a beautiful place where rainbows sparkle and everyone is happy. In fact, it is one in which we all have our places and duties, and we are bound by these. It’s a bit grim but accurate. Lovely.

The events mostly progressed with a good flow. Some parts seemed slightly distracting though. For example,

“He couldn't tell Seaking for he was wise, but far too old to do anything. He considered telling the local Lombre, but that was also not the greatest of ideas. Lombre was a very shadey Pokemon, well known for selling all kinds of unusual herbs and plants to underage Pokemon. Besides, her constant fidgeting about made Tentacool feel a little unsettled a lot of the time.”

This was during the part where he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do. Ok. Cool. It makes sense. Then, there’s a problem. Seaking’s wise and old, but he’s far too old to do anything? Does he not have valuable advice to give that may help solve the problem? If Lombre was such a shady pokemon, why did she come to mind in the first place? Was she the local gossip? That’s the impression I got, but I wasn’t sure. These sentences, or at least the thought behind them, seemed a bit flimsy and doubtable, leading to a disruption with plot flow, and I wanted to point this out. It felt short right after you mentioned “a lot of thinking” (which wasn’t portrayed at all). After that much thinking, I’d like to think that Tentacool would have more extensive reasons and could elaborate much more. However, there’s the possibility that you purposely included this relatively weak train of thought in order to further build upon the image you have built of Tentacool as young and clueless. If that’s the case, awesome. You are portraying the Tentacool’s character without actually smacking it in the reader’s face. It’s a bit subtle, and that’s cool. Ha. Now this part feels awkward. I really am not sure if you did that on purpose or not, so yeah, just something to consider.

Another thing – “Tentacool waited until night” with “only a rough idea of where exactly it was he needed to go.” Why? It doesn’t make sense. If anything, it would be a lot easier to find out information about the location of the Poliwag’s den during the day. Think about it for a moment. You want to find out where someone lives. Perhaps you keep an eye out when you think they are going home, or maybe you ask around (but not at the moment when everyone’s falling asleep).

Dialogue
I’ll be honest. The conversation between the Politoed and Tentacool was my favorite part of the story. Hands down. You’re a grade yourself, so you might have probably read this. Regardless, have a quote from The Grading Group & Grading Guide. “A well-written character should be able to define him- or herself by the way he or she speaks…” Yes. Yes. Yes. Due to the length of the story, there was relatively limited time for your characters to develop a voice. Polis and Tentacool mom seemed to have their own speech character and were able to sort of define themselves, but they faded away after a bit. That scene with Tentacool and Politoed though! Tentacool was stuttering and cowardly just like how a child would speak to a person of authority. Politoed, on the other hand, was an absolutely crude jerk. Good job on the use of the words “missus” and “maw” as they helped distinguish Politoed. I can’t really explain more, but you did really well on this aspect. You clearly know how to bring characters to life.

Grammar
This part, honestly, might be a bit boring. However, there were some mistakes that were recurrent.

“The head Poliwag's eyes glinted with swagger.” Usually, “swagger” is used to depict someone’s gait. I am unsure if one’s eyes can actually glint with swagger.

“Poliwag were generally quite small compared to most Pokemon, and their round and goofy appearance made them quite noticeable here in the ponds, but they were never seen as very threatening.” Reading the sentence feels a bit weird, no? That’s because it’s a run-on sentence. Here, you have three independent clauses, each able to stand on its own as a sentence. “Poliwag were generally quite small compared to most Pokemon. Their round and goofy appearance made them quite noticeable here in the ponds. They were never seen as very threatening.” Feel free to combine two independent clauses to form a compound sentence, but don’t stick all three into one. That’s when the sentence turns into a run-on. You can have any of the following. “Poliwag were generally quite small compared to most Pokemon, and their round and goofy appearance made them quite noticeable here in the ponds. They were never seen as very threatening.” “Poliwag were generally quite small compared to most Pokemon. Their round and goofy appearance made them quite noticeable here in the ponds, but they were never seen as very threatening.” Something’s still sort of weird. “But” is used when there is a contradiction. Not being seen as threatening doesn’t really contradict their appearance making them quite noticeable. In this case, “and” would be more appropriate.

“He was also noticeably taller and he often dunked his head below the water surface into the algae, which caused the green growth to cling to his face giving him a mature appearance; it looked like he had a slick goatee.” This is another run-on. “He was also noticeably taller. “He often dunked his head below the water surface into the algae, which caused the green growth to cling to his face giving him a mature appearance. It looked like he had a slick goatee” Instead of using coordinating conjunctions “and, or, so, nor, for, but, yet,” the semicolon can also be used to make compound sentences, but again, no more than two independent clauses per sentence. Another thing I’d like to point out is that when you use a coordinating conjunction to join to independent clauses, you put a comma before it. Here’s another instance where there should be a comma before the conjunction. “It must've been quite some time before Tentacool woke up for it was bright in the cave.”

“The groggy Lotad were a little reluctant to give him information, but eventually they caved in as they really just wanted to go back to sleep and this particular Tentacool was being rather persistent.” This is another run-on sentence with a missing comma before “and.” You also forgot a comma in the following sentence. “The ground that wasn't covered in water was pretty much all occupied by sleeping Poliwag and the sound of their snores filled the peaceful little den.”

“It was a long shot, but he didn't really have much other options; He had to go directly to the source of the problem.” Again, this is a run-on sentence. If you use semicolons for compound sentences, you don’t capitalize the first letter of the first word of the independent clause following the semicolon. Thus, the h of “He” should be small.

"’Yeah, toilet boy!’ one of the rougher Poliwag roared before glancing over at his ringleader just in time to see him nod.” This one is more of a problem with word choice. Roaring can be used for actual roaring or for laughter. In this case, the word you’re probably looking for is “yelled,” “hollered,” or something to that effect.

"Who does he think he is commenting on other Pokemon's appearance!? Poliwag aren't even good looking Pokemon anyway! They're hardly Lumineon now, are they?!" Someone should do something about that big old bully." The original quote includes those quotation marks. I haven’t added mine in order to avoid confusion. There’s a stray quotation mark in the middle of the sentence. I think both versions of the interrobang (?!) (!?) are viable, but maybe just pick one and stick to it for the entire story.

Here are things you would have easily gotten after a proofread. “Why did he think that this was a good idea earlier.” “If Polis and his band of goons weren't very nice, why on earth did Tentacool think that his father would be!” “Lombre was a very shadey Pokemon, well known for selling all kinds of unusual herbs and plants to underage Pokemon.” “Just as Tentacool drew up a slimey tentacle, ready to prob the sleeping Politoed, the green frog Pokemon woke up.” "’Why wouldn't I know one of my young!?’ The Politoed boomed.”


“And that's why they laughed at the poor Tentacool sitting on the rock.” “But surely enough the Poliwag would be back here, and they would probably want to remind him of how dangerous it was to trespass on Poliwag territory.” “But if I win, I get your mother all to myself.” This is an interesting one. In school, I was taught never to start a sentence with coordinating conjunctions due to the fact that they’re used to join two independent clauses. According to my teachers, such sentences are incomplete. This rule has been taught to many people. However, due to the magical marvels of google, I came across a blog. You can find it http://blog.oxforddictionaries.com/2012/01/can-i-start-a-sentence-with-a-conjunction/ ]here[/url]. According to the author, however, this rule is not actually a rule. She asserts that this is a stylistic preference. “If you want to defend your position, you can say that it’s particularly useful to start a sentence with these conjunctions if you’re aiming to create a dramatic or forceful effect.”

Description

The details and description you had were nicely integrated where present. You did well integrating the various details without presenting them all in one huge chunk to the reader. “Using his two large tentacles, he propped himself from his thinking stone and down into the cool dark water below, shivering a little as he felt how cold it really was down there.” I appreciate how you didn’t say Tentacool has tentacles. Instead, details like that are revealed more subtly. However, while this was a story for simple pokemon, I felt the description to be sparse. I compiled the details I got from your story. At the beginning, you state that Poliwag are small, round, and possess a goofy appearance. Goofy is pretty vague, so let’s trudge forward to Polis’ description. “While they had stubby tadpole-like tails, he had a much longer and elegant looking tail. He was also noticeably taller and he often dunked his head below the water surface into the algae, which caused the green growth to cling to his face giving him a mature appearance; it looked like he had a slick goatee.” Now we know that Poliwag have tadpole tails. That’s all we get about Poliwag until the fight scene where it is revealed that they are blue and that there is a spiral design on their stomach. The latter details generally give a good idea regarding what Poliwag look like, but for a relatively large chunk of the story, my mental image consisted of small round pokemon with tadpole tails. There was not much to go on until the end. Let’s talk about Tentacool. It is implied it has hair. At one point, it has two large tentacles. At another, it has spaghetti-like tentacles. Similes are nice, but be careful about contradicting yourself. What else do we have? You state that there are “red parts of his head.” I felt that the conversation with his mother was a missed opportunity for revealing more details about appearance. For example, she could’ve brushed her tentacles across the round, red gem at the center of his forehead in an effort to console him. Also, in hindsight, I don’t know if she’s a Tentacool or a Tentacruel. The last description you give is referring to Tentacool as a squid. All in all, my image of Tentacool is very incomplete and warped. Tentacool’s more of a jellyfish than a squid, and while I realize that that may have been an insult, it’s a misleading one just like the insult about the hair. I’m not sure about how thick his tentacles are, and they seem to be pretty long for them to be able to grab onto stalactites. What do the red parts of his head look like, and what color is he? Green? Politoed’s description was also very bare. He’s large, green and has a yellow swirl on his stomach. Apart from his meaty hands, that’s all. Is he round like Polis? Next, let’s move to Lotad. While Lotad served an extremely minute portion of the story, a description would have been nice. Now, let’s move to setting. The initial pond setting was not described much, and the breakfast scene with the mother was not described in terms of location as well. At the beginning, Tentacool seems to be sitting on a thinking rock, but that seems to be it. The den was better in terms of description, and I liked how you incorporated the stalactites into the battle. It was very creative. I’m not saying that description is limited to what things look like. There can also be descriptions of the other senses and one can vividly describe feelings. In my opinion, physical description is the bare minimum, and you barely scraped by.

Battle
Personally, I found the battle to be a little boring. I don’t know if it was due to the fact that the battle was brief. Maybe it was due to the fact that Tentacool was barely hit during the actual battle. Now that I think about it, there was not much hitting at all. There was the spray of bubbles and the gunk attack. Otherwise, it was dodging. Also, maybe giving the readers more insight as to how Tentacool felt during the battle would have made this part more relatable and exciting. Did Tentacool feel pumped once the battle started? How did Polis feel after getting hit with an attack? Did he recoil in pain or did it have no effect?

Length

I got 12,594 characters. It’s on the low end of the range for two simple pokemon, but that’s all right. The story did feel short at times. The conversation Tentacool had with his mother could have been longer, and was the part that involved the Lotad really necessary?


Plausibility
This was my least favorite aspect of the story. Tentacool are jellyfish. Thus, they are mostly made up of water. Fun fact – Jellyfish that wash ashore dry up and die. Now, if we incorporate that with the fact that Tentacool was sitting on a rock, we’d have a much less eventful story. The same problem also came up during the battle since it was in a cave. Tentacool, instead of having the problem of battling against Polis, would have had a larger problem with the environment. Polis would have had a problem too. Based on pokedex descriptions, Poliwag should be having difficulty walking on land. Another thing I would like to point out is the crowd’s reaction to the battle. Why would the Poliwag, after desperately seeking Polis’ approval, turn around just like that after Tentacool dodges twice. I think it’d be more realistic if they switched sides if Polis was beaten to a pulp. However, that was not the case. Finally, there’s one last issue. Poliwag live in freshwater ponds, and as you said, Tentacool belong in the sea. This is very important due to the water content of Tentacool. Since Tentacool normally live in the sea, we can assume that they’re generally isotonic to seawater. In a freshwater environment, water would enter as Tentacool would be hypertonic with regards to the environment. This would cause Tentacool to swell and eventually die, so yeah… two causes of death for this Tentacool. My intention for pointing this out is that it is potentially distracting when things like this come up. Attention to details would be nice. Are Tentacool’s slimy tentacles long enough to grab stalactites? Would they have enough of a grip? Why would all the Poliwag leave a beat up Tentacool in their cave? How did Tentacool manage to escape and get to his mother? Wouldn’t Politoed have claimed his prize?

The Capture (or lack thereof) and some random rambly bits

Once again, I appreciated the message. The ending was great. I’m a sucker for those one liners, but really, I liked the last two sentences. On another note, I was thrown off during the battle, specifically when you mentioned the title of the story. Usually, when someone uses a phrase from the story as its title, there’s something significant behind the passage. Thus, I spent a good chunk of time pondering what you might have meant. Maybe there was a hidden gem that I just wasn’t able to appreciate. Upon failing to find it, I asked you only to learn that it has absolutely no meaning. It was just a random phrase. Honestly, I was disappointed by that.

You were going for two simple pokemon. The story had good parts and not so good parts. It’s short and sweet too. Realism felt like the most pressing problem. It’s fairly acceptable. However, I felt as if not much effort was put in the story, and a quick go through would have helped a lot. As you said, you only spent around thirty minutes on this piece. I know you can write excellently based on your previous work. In my opinion, this story is definitely enough for one simple, borderline two simple, but if this were for a medium, I don’t think I’d let this fly. Tldr, you get both pokemon. Huzzah.

 

@Sky Lark ; Thanks for the grade, even if it will take like ten years to read.

Also, how have you not heard that insult. HOW.