Taking Back from Silver

Intended Pokémon: Ralts (Medium)
Expected Character Range: 10k-20k
Character Count (not including this Intro and section breaks): 13724

This story, in all honesty, felt awkward to write, and I don't really know why. Maybe it was because of the rushed feeling I was trying to put in the intro threw me off. Or maybe it was because I left some things to pick up in other stories.

Regardless of how awkward it felt to write, I had to finish it, and I hope all of you enjoy reading.

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"This was supposed to be a simple visit home... Hey, get back here!"

The Trainer, clad in black, was chasing after a man in a bright silver uniform through the streets of Goldenrod. The silver-clothed man dove into dark alleyways between the towering buildings and into massive crowds in the busy streets, hoping to lose the Trainer tailing him.
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"Get back here, you thief!" the Trainer called out, hoping to draw attention to the chase. A policeman heard the cry, and ran to the Trainer to find out about the situation.

The Trainer saw the officer approaching, thanks to the bright blue of his uniform. "That man stole a Pokémon from a Trainer by the Center!" was all he said before sprinting after the thief, holding his black hat to his head. The officer understood the urgency and followed.

The thief gradually made his way to the outskirts, moving in and out of side roads while the tailing pair followed close behind. Several times, he managed to lose the pair in massive crowds, but the Trainer spotted the bright silver of his uniform every time, making him rethink his strategy. He dove into a nearby abandoned warehouse, planning to fight off his attackers.

The Trainer and the officer pursued the thief into the dark warehouse. "So, the thief's giving up?" the Trainer called out. He smirked, knowing that the thief was cornered. "How about you make it easier for us and just give back the Pokémon?"

A bright flash of light emerged from behind a stack of steel crates, followed by a second. The two flashes reached to the ceiling, which was held up by rusted metal beams.

"He's fighting it out officer. We need to be prepared."

The officer glanced at the accompanying Trainer in surprise, realizing the danger of cornering a criminal. "Thanks, but you should get yourself out of harm's way."

The man shook his head at the suggestion. "I'm a Trainer, officer. I can't just stand by and watch another Trainer's Pokémon get taken from him. Besides, he can't sneak past the both of us."

The Trainer tossed out a Pokéball, which opened in a bright flash similar to the two prior ones. The light formed a small ballerina shape before gaining a green pigment to its hair and legs.

"Kikir," the Kirlia uttered. She stretched as if the Pokéball was cramped.

The officer, seeing how he wouldn't be able to persuade the Trainer away before action was needed, threw out his own Pokéball. The light of this one shaped into a canine form before gaining a black color and an orange muzzle.

"Alright, Houndour, use your Odor Sleuth to track the thief and his Pokémon. This warehouse has been abandoned, so they should be the only scents here besides our own."

The canine Pokémon stuck his nose into the air, but quickly recoiled from the scent. He pointed to the right of the boxes and led the group around to the thief, gagging slightly. As the rest of the group rounded the corner, they all realized why the Houndour was reacting as such, as the thief had brought out a pair of Koffing. The two poisonous gas-balls were giving off a smell reminiscent of the contents of an entire farmers' market rotting.

The thief, whose silver uniform shined through the dark warehouse, mocked the Trainers from behind the two Koffing. "You'll never catch me! I'll take you two out, and then this Pokémon goes straight to my client!"

"Client? You mean that you're working for someone else?" The officer was astonished that there was more to the case, but was determined to pry for more info.

"You think I'd steal this thing for myself?" The thief held up a Pokéball, apparently holding the stolen Pokémon in it. "Ha! It's weak! No use to me! But my client will pay big for it! I'll be the richest thief ever!"

The thief broke into maniacal laughter, which echoed throughout the warehouse. The pair of Koffing joined in, but were blissfully unaware of the situation, slowly bouncing into each other and the steel crates.

"Sela, attack with Psychic." The Trainer in black gestured towards the two bouncing Pokémon. Their playfulness made him want to laugh, but he knew the situation was too serious.

"Kikilia!" the Kirlia replied in agreement to the command. She turned herself into a pirouette and began to glow blue. One of the Koffing also glowed a similar shade of blue and, ignorant of the psychic power moving it, rammed into the second Koffing at high speed. The second Koffing bounced into a steel crate and quickly charged back at the first, puffing up in anger. As the poison balls collided, they exploded, tossing up dust. After the smoke and dust cleared, the thief spotted his two Pokémon knocked out on the floor.

The thief stomped on the ground, bringing up a small cloud of dust from the floor. "Gah! My Koffing! You'll pay for that!" He pulled out two Pokéballs from his belt, and recalled his Koffing to them, drawing them in as balls of light. "I'll take you down! Here goes!" With this, the thief tossed out two more Pokéballs. The first opened to reveal a Pokémon that appeared to be two Koffing joined together, while the second appeared to be a large pile of toxic sludge.

"We-Weezing!" the first Pokémon let out in what sounded like the voice of a chronic smoker.

"Muk!" the second Pokémon joined in. Muk's voice was much more forceful than Weezing's voice, and as he spoke, he let out a stench stronger than that of the thief's two Koffing. The Trainer and the officer recoiled slightly, intent on keeping the thief trapped, while the Houndour ran back and dug his nose in the officer's pant leg to block the stench. The Kirlia backed up to be with her Trainer, but seemed to be taking the stench better than the humans.

The thief laughed at the Trainers. "Can't you handle this? It's just a simple stench! Muk, show them your Sludge Bomb! Weezing, let off a Smokescreen!"

The cratered balls of poison released a steady stream of smoke, blanketing the battle. The sludge shot a portion of himself in the Trainer's direction, but missed and hit the crates blocking their view of the warehouse entrance.

"Sela, try to blow away the smoke with Psychic!"

"Houndour! Let out a mighty Roar!"

The Kirlia glowed a bright blue and spun into another pirouette. The surge of psychic energy dispersed the smoke throughout the warehouse, making it too thin to impede vision.

"Houn! Dour!" The officer's Pokémon attempted to intimidate its targets into fleeing. The Weezing flinched at the piercing sound and Self-Destructed where it floated, intent on getting out of the battle in any way it could. The Muk flinched at the small explosion, but it wasn't strong enough to do anything else besides stir up dust.

"Your explosions are pretty weak!" the Trainer mocked the thief over the battle. "You need a new strategy!"

"Sh-shut up!" The thief was panicked at this point. He recalled his fallen Weezing to its Pokéball, and tossed out another. "Go! Murkrow! Finish this! Quickly!"

The light from the ball formed into a small bird with a hat, and darkened to a pitch-black color almost immediately.

"Mur-KROW!" the bird shouted, taking it upon herself to attack. She appeared to grow much larger for the duration of the shout, and the air seemed to ripple in visible sound waves, lifting up dust as it traveled. The Houndour stood strong in the shout, but the Kirlia fell over in pain.

"Sela!" The Trainer rushed forward to his Kirlia. Muk took this opportunity to lunge towards the Trainer.

"Dour!" The canine launched a beam of fire at the Muk, cutting him off from its slam. Part of the sludge crusted over from the heat, and the Muk flinched back in pain.

"Good job Houndour!" the officer cheered. "Keep pushing it back!"

Houndour did as the officer told it, holding the Flamethrower attack towards the Muk to keep it from advancing.

"Sela! Are you alright?" The Trainer's voice started wavering as he approached the injured Pokémon.

"Ki! Kir!" The Kirlia stood up, recovering from the Astonish attack after witnessing her Trainer's worrying.

"Alright then. Be careful out there." The Trainer regained the confidence in his voice as the pair turned their attentions back to the battle. "Try hitting that Murkrow with a Thunderbolt!" The Trainer stood behind his Pokémon and pointed at the bird as if the bolt would come from his finger.

Sela crossed her arms and focused her mind. Sparks starting traveling through her body and up her arms as her eyes glowed the bright blue of her psychic attacks.

"Quick, Murkrow! Take that Kirlia out with a Pursuit!"

Sela unleashed the bolt of white-hot electricity at the thief's orders, arcing the bolt from her crossed arms to the Murkrow and contacting mid-Pursuit. The black bird fell to the ground at her feet.

"Houn! Dour!" the canine Pokémon roared at the Muk. The force of the roar blew most of the dust off the floor into the Muk, and the combination of the roar, the dust, the flames, and witnessing two allies fall was enough to force Muk back into his Pokéball.

"No! Not again!" the thief shouted as he recalled his Murkrow to her Pokéball. "That's it. I only have this Pokémon left." He pulled out the stolen Pokéball, and tossed it into the field, before realizing what he had done.

The light of the ball formed a mushroom shape, which gained a green color on its cap and grew a red horn as it fully materialized.

"What!?" the officer shouted. "You're using the stolen Pokémon in battle?"

The Trainer stared in disbelief, and started trembling in anger. "It's bad enough," he began, "to steal another Trainer's Pokémon. But a Ralts?"

The small psychic Pokémon looked around, confused. He glanced around; dust piles in the corner, sludge on crates, a police officer and two Trainers with Pokémon at the ready, and his Trainer own nowhere in sight. After hearing the Kirlia's Trainer's words, he realized that he was the stolen Ralts that was talked about, and curled up into a ball in the middle of the battlefield, panicking.

The thief realized he had been beat. All but one of his own Pokémon had fainted, and one would be trembling in fear had it not retreated back to it's own Pokéball. His stolen Pokémon was now in the middle of the battlefield, practically in the possession of his pursuers. The trainer that chased him looked mad enough to fight the thief himself, and win, had he not been worried about the Ralts, and the Kirlia seemed to share his sentiment.

"Alright, I give up. There's nothing more I can do." The thief tossed his belt of Pokéballs to the ground and approached the officer, hands in the air.

The officer began making his arrest, and the trainer approached the cowering Ralts. He was glad it was all over, but he couldn't help but worry for it. His Kirlia came up to comfort both him and the Ralts. The trainer picked up the Ralts, careful not to harm it, and followed the officer out of the warehouse.

"Thanks for the help back there. I know I tried to get you out of danger, but we couldn't have done it without you."

"Just doing what a Trainer should, officer," the Trainer replied, tipping his hat.

"You're good at this, young man. What's your name?"

"My name? Siless, sir."

"It's nice to meet you, Siless. I'm Officer Lange." Lange tipped his own hat to top off his introduction. "I'll be taking this thief back to the station. Why don't you go return that Ralts? You probably wanted to tag along to see it returned anyways."

"Yes, sir!" At this suggestion, Siless took off towards the Pokémon Center.

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Siless, Sela, and Ralts sat on the bench outside the Pokémon Center. Siless had asked the nurse to alert the theft victim that his Pokémon was being returned, so all they had to do was wait for him to get out of the Center.

"You alright, little guy?" Siless inquired of the Ralts. He figured the experience must have been at least somewhat traumatic, and if he could do anything to help, it'd be well worth it.

"Rararalts!" the Ralts responded. He seemed to have rebounded quickly from the situation, partially due to h is new Kirlia friend, with whom he was playing with now.

"Oh, hey, my Ralts!" Siless turned at this shout to see the Trainer from whom Ralts was taken from walking out of the Pokémon Center. His denim jacket stuck out in Siless's mind from the incident, but, to Siless, he seemed much more mature now than during the theft. "You're the Trainer that got him back?"

"Yeah. You're James, right? The nurse told us to wait here for you."

"James is my name. Nurse said you're Siless, right?"

"That's me. Why not have a seat?"

James joined Siless on the bench at his request, and, to let the two new friends play for a while longer, they chatted about the League, their experiences, strategies, anything they could think of. Soon, the sun started setting, and Siless stood up.

"Sorry, but I have to get going. I came back to the city to visit my parents, and they're probably wondering where I'm at by now."

"Oh, no problem. I wish you luck on your journey."

The Pokémon and Trainers exchanged goodbyes, but the James stopped Siless before he could leave.

"Hey, Siless, would you like Ralts to go with you?"

"Wait, huh?"

"He seems to have bonded with you, and to be honest, I only just caught him, so he'd probably be better trained with who he likes."

"But he's yours." Though the intentions of the trainer were clear, Siless was obviously confused.

"If I need to, I can get another eventually. And then I'll make sure that our training doesn't start in a theft."

"But..." Siless never found it easy to take others' Pokémon, even when they were offering them. He looked to the Ralts, who seemed happy about the idea, and to Sela, who was dancing in joy.

"I guess..." Siless pulled his hat over his face in deep thought.

He had a big decision to make...

 

Claimed

 

Intro: I like how your intro dove right into the story. As a reader, it drew me in, and as a grader, it made this story seem different from the countless stories that begin with a trainer walking into the woods to go get a new Pokemon. It was a unigue and interesting intro, and you did a good job describing your characters and the place your story is set in, so full points for this section.

Plot: Yeah! Just like your intro, this was original and very good. Your main character, Siless, was at a Pokemon center when a thief stole another trainer's Pokemon. With the help of a police officer, he chases the thief, battles him, gets the stolen Pokemon back, tries to give it back to it's original trainer, but is allowed to keep it himself. Good job, more full points.

Dialogue: Your dialogue did what dialogue is supposed to do, it gave the reader further insight into the personalities and backgrounds of the characters, and helped further the story along. One thing I thought was interesting, was that from the way Siless talked, it seems like he's done this kind of thing before. It was pretty subtle, but that's a good thing. Even if the reader doesn't realize it, they're being given information unconsciously. Full points.

Grammar: Your grammar's pretty good. There are a few places where your wording is awkward, but it doesn't have any impact on the grade. I'll show you what I'm talking about so you can remember for your next story:

It's technically not incorrect, but the word about was kind of awkward. It would also be correct if you didn't use it, and it just seems like it would flow better. Some good advice that I've gotten, is to read your story aloud once your done with it. That way, if any parts seem awkward, they'll be more noticable to you, and you can go back and fix them. There are only a few places like that, so don't worry too much about it.

The only other thiing I noticed, was there were a few places you forgot to connect your dialogue with a speaking action. Here's one place:

Because the officer is shouting, you need to change that period to a comma, like this:

There were a couple more places like that, but not too many.

Overall, you have very good grammar, and unless I missed something, you didn't have any other problems.

Detail: Your detail is one of the best parts of your story. You adequately describe all of your characters, pokemon, and the setting of your story. One thing I would like cleared up, is why does the Kirlia know Thunderbolt? If it knows that because of a TM, you should probably explain that somewhere. For example, you could have Siless saying, "Good thing I taught you that TM." Other than that, good job here. Full points.

Length: Ralts is a Medium Pokemon so he needs a minimum of 10k. You have 13k, so you're fine.

Reality: There's nothing about this story that doesn't make sense to me, other than the Kirlia-Thunderbolt thing, but that could easily be explained away by a TM, so full points.

Personal Feelings: Your story isn't a masterpiece, but it's pretty good for a Medium Pokemon story. You use a lot of detail, have a unique plot, and have interesting characters. I like your story, which leads me to...

Outcome: Ralts....Captured! Have fun with your new Ralts!