(SWC) Bloodline 2

Bloodline Chapter 2​

Duxn once the heart of the north, its people free and peaceful. That was until kingdoms of, Varrvazarr and Varrfarrinn invaded, after a long a fierce fight the armies of Duxn were destroyed. Now one hundred years have passed since the fall, the royal family is said to be dead and the land was spilt in two. Deep in the mountains two young men, Shunsui and Jushiro have decided to take up arms and free their country.

After learning they are of royal blood Shunsui and Jushiro have decided a plan of action. With the approval of the Grand Elder of the village, both Shunsui and Jushiro left their home, and marched south for nine days through the vast forests of Duxn until they reached the base of the mountains. Before setting camp a Pokemon known as Klefki appeared from the mountain. Jushiro did battle with this pokemon and captured it. After a long and tiring day Shunsui and Jushiro rested. The very next day, the two made their way up and over the mountains faster with the help of Jushiro’s Aerodactyl. After getting down the mountain, Shunsui and Jushiro came to a village controlled by soldiers of Varrvazarr.

After formulating a plan of action Shunsui and Jushiro began their attack on the village, with the help of their Pokemon, Shunsui and Jushiro were able to take the village and free its people. Now with the battle won, the two brave men have taken shelter in the house of the village elder to rest and tend to their wounds.


~~~

Present day….

“Haha, well that went better then I thought” Shunsui laughed.

“Indeed, I thought for sure we were dead but somehow we pulled through.” Jushiro replied shaking his head with his arms crossed.

“You young men are very lucky to be alive after that fight.” An old man said.

“No doubt our Pokemon played a role in that.” Jushiro replied with a smirk.

“Yes, without our Pokemon we would be dead for sure, there is no doubt in my mind.” Shunsui replied with a serious look on his face.

“Enough of this talking, time for you two to get some rest.” The old man told them.

The old man and two villagers helped both Shunsui and Jushiro clean and bandage their wounds. Shunsui had been stabbed through the left shoulder and slashed once in the back below the right shoulder and on his right leg. Jushiro had a long slash that went from the bottom left of his back to below the right shoulder. After tending too the major wounds then patched up the small cuts, after which, the two went to sleep for the night.


The next morning Shunsui and Jushiro awakened sore and bruised, their clothes smelling of death, the material stained with blood. Shunsui’s bleached white hair was matted with blood, sticking up in little patches of white and red all over his head. Jushiro was just as bad. He had patches of dry blood in his long brown hair. The two stood up and changed their clothes. Shunsui put on leather brown pants with a white cotton shirt, as did Jushiro.

“I think we need a, bath Jushiro.” Shunsui said with grin a on his face, “I believe you are correct my friend.” Jushiro replied with a look of disgust.

The two walked outside barely able to stand, only to see the villagers were moving the dead bodies to a gravesite that they had dug. Shunsui and Jushiro saw a well with a becket, the two walked over and sat down Jushiro used the ropes to lower the bucket into the well and then pulled it back up.

A young woman saw them and walked over, “Oh my, if you needed something, you should have asked. You two are in no shape to be walking around.”

“Sorry, but we smell really bad and no one was inside so we just did ourselves. It’s no problem, really.” Shunsui said with a soft voice and a smile.

“Please, just go back and rest. I will heat the water and have it brought to you. It’s the least we can do.”

“Let the girl be. We really should go rest some more. These wounds are not going to heal with us walking around.” Jushiro nodded agreeing with the girl.

“Alright, you two win.”

Shunsui and Jushiro both walked back into the house and laid down to rest. While they rested, the villagers cleared the ground of dead bodies, and piled them in the grave they had dug. Once all the bodies were in the grave, they threw oil on the bodies and lit them ablaze. The stench of burning corpses was picked up by the wind and carried for miles, and all the villagers gathered around the pit and stared into the flames, watching the bodies of those who enslaved them burn. But it was not joy they felt when they saw this. No, it was sorrow, for they knew this was just the beginning of yet another long and brutal war.

With the bodies burned, the villagers covered the pit with dirt and left. The village elder and his granddaughter both tended to Shunsui and Jushiro for two weeks until the two recovered from the wounds, after which they packed their things and prepared to leave. The village elder came into the house with a bag full of things and sat them down in front of Shunsui and Jushiro.


“Here, the two of you will need these if you want to continue on.” The old man pulled map and supplies from the bag. “These are maps of Dunx. With these you will be able to get anywhere you need to. They also they contain short cuts and routes through the mountains and forests that should help a great deal.”

Jushiro smiled at the elder, “Thank you so much for all your help, it’s much appreciated.”

The elder laughed, “Haha, no need for thanks, young one, for it is we who should thank you for freeing us. We can never repay you for what you have done here.”

“You already have repaid us, chances are we would have died without your care.” Shunsui put his right hand over the back of his head and rubbed it.

“Nonetheless, thanks, now I must go. Everything you need is here; food, water, things of that sort. Good luck and goodbye.”

The elder left and Shunsui and Jushiro started planning right away. Jushiro pulled open the map and they started looking for the next place to move.

“What do you think, Shunsui?” Jushiro asked looking a bit puzzled.

“Well, I think I will journey west to Wildwood Village.” Shunsui said, pointing at the marker for the village.

“Very well, then I shall head to the city of Karthus and start building the army.” Jushiro looked at Shunsui and nodded.

“Alright then, lets head out.” Shunsui nodded back.

The two packed up their supplies and headed out the house. They then made their way out of the village and down the dirt road. It was early morning and already the sun was shining down on top of them. They made their way to a crossroad. It was there where they would split.

“Okay, I’m taking this road to Wildwood. I will keep in contact by using my Pokemon.” Shunsui started to scratch the back of his head.

“Alright, then I too am off to the city of Karthus. Take care, Shunsui.” With the goodbyes said, they split ways, Shunsui to the West, and Junshiro off to the South.

Shunsui made his way into the lower valley, where grassy meadows grew, with long rivers and more forest. Shunsui moved off the road and started moving through rough terrain for it was safer since he knew soldiers only used the roads. The meadows were not badly overgrown, the grass was around four feet tall, and since it was still early morning, the blades of grass were still wet with morning dew.

Shunsui stopped and removed his armor then took off his shirt. He wrapped his shirt around his leg then put his chest armor on his backpack and started walking again. By tying his shirt around his leg and walking through the meadows it would rub up against the blades of grass and the morning dew on the grass would wet the shirt. Once the shirt was nice and wet, he would then put it back on so when midday came around, he would be cool.

It was an old trick that most people didn’t use, but still helpful. Shunsui walked through the thick long green grass. It was relaxing, not another person in sight, just him and the beautiful land. At the end of the meadow near the tree line there was a small stream, so Shunsui stopped to get some water. While taking a short break, he reached out his arm.

“Venipede, Kadabra come out.” His arm glowed and his Pokemon appeared, “Rest up and get some water, we have a long journey ahead of us.” Shunsui took some berries out of his pack and gave them to his Pokemon to eat. He chowed down on a few himself.

Rested and ready too go Shunsui called Kadabra back, and left Venipede to walk with him. He stood up, unwrapped his shirt from around his leg and put it back on. Then he splashed some water on his face and rubbed his hands through his short white hair, shaking his head. His green eyes reflected off the water, gleaming with energy.

Refreshed and ready to move on, Shunsui and Venipede walked out the meadow and into the forest. The part of the forest Shunsui was currently in was not too harsh; all there really was were trees and small plants, making it easier to move through. The open parts of the forest tended to have lots of Pokemon in them. Venipede loved the area. The little bug Pokemon was running about, crawling through logs and ducking under bushes, squealing in delight.

Shunsui and Venipede made their through the forest. Still sore from his injuries, Shunsui stopped and took a break.

“Venipede come here.” He called for Venipede and the little violet and green bug Pokemon rushed over to him. Shunsui then removed his armor and shirt. His shoulder wound was bleeding. With no clean bandages, he removed the old ones.

“Venipede, use your string shot to cover my wound.” He commanded. Venipede moved around to his back, aimed and fired off its string shot attack and covered the wound on his shoulder. Shunsui had Venipede cover other cuts on his body as well.

After a short thirty minute break, Shunsui and Venipede started moving again. Shunsui made it to a trail and followed it for a few hours until he was out of the forest. Not too far ahead, he could see the town of Wildwood. Shunsui called Venipede back and continued on into the town. There were markets selling all kind of fruits and vegetables and flowers, the tantalizing scents mixing and perfuming the air. The houses here were made from wood and bricks. There was a hospital to the west and at the head of the town was the Wildwood Fort.

In town were Varrvazarr soldiers, but they paid no attention to Shunsui as he entered the town. Shunsui looked around for an Inn to rest in before he started gathering info on this town. After finding one, he rented a single room for the night and took his things up to the rented space. It was not too big, but it had a window that faced north to the fort, and a small bed with a smaller table. Shunsui unpacked his things and lay on the bed to rest.

After sleeping for a few hours, Shunsui awakened. It was evening now, and the sun was starting to set. Shunsui took off his armor and changed his clothes. He put on black cotton pants and a brown shirt. He hid a small blade in his boot then left the room.

The townspeople were finishing off their day, so Shunsui headed to the pub for a drink. He walked in and immediately the smell of urine assaulted his nose. It was as if the inside had been saturated in piss. Piles of dog shit were on the floor in corners, and the smell of the place was unbearable. It was as if someone had captured a thousand farts, mixed them with piss and shit, then let them fester into a horrible gas, and released it into the pub. Shunsui managed to scramble out of the pub where he fell to the roadside, heaving all the contents of his stomach into the dirt there.

“Haha, first time at the pub, boy?” An unknown voice asked.

“What kind of sick animal would go in there?” Shunsui asked, still gagging on the stench.

“I believe you answered your own question.” the man replied.

Shunsui looked up to take a look at the man but his vision was blurred, his muscles were became weak and his head started to pound. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe, and Shunsui found himself gasping for air.

“Hey kid, are you all right?” the man rushed to Shunsui.

Shunsui started to lose consciousness and fell over.

“We need some help over here!” The man called. The town guards rushed over but could not figure out what was wrong with Shunsui.

“Ahhh!” Shunsui screamed in pain, a bright green light bursting from his eyes, mouth, then his whole body. The light was so intense everyone was forced to look away.

Unknown time later…

Shunsui eyes opened, his body was still sore, but he sat up anyway and looked around. He realized he was in a hospital room, his clothes on a table next to him. He stood up slowly, as his legs were wobbly and unsteady. His bones ached, and he felt as if he hadn’t used his legs in days. Shunsui pulled off the robe he had on and grabbed his clothes and put them on. The door opened and in came a man and young woman.

“Hey you’re up. I was starting to think you would never awaken.” The man said.

“Your voice… I have heard it somewhere…” Shunsui said to himself.

“Yes indeed, we first met outside the pub, remember?”

Shunsui thought back, it then popped into his head, “Oh right, I was leaving that pub when something happened to me, but what?” Shunsui asked.

“Good question. At first I thought you had been poisoned but after I found those marks on you, it was clear what had happened.”

“What might that be?” Shunsui asked.

“One of your Pokemon evolved, which almost killed you. “

“Evolved? No way it was not time for either of them to!” Shunsui replied.

“Yes, which is why you almost died. Sometimes a Pokemon will evolve before their time. Why this happens, we still don’t know but as you now know, it can be fatal when it happens.”

Shunsui rubbed his eyes then looked at the man. He wore plate armor on his chest and legs, had a long sword on his left hip and had short black hair and brown eyes and was about six feet tall. The girl had long blond hair, her eyes as blue as the outer skies. She had light leather armor with short sleeves shin guard and braces. She has a sword on her right side and was at least five foot seven or so.

“So, who are you people, if you don’t mind me asking?” Shunsui said scratching his head.

“Oh, how rude of us! I am Richard, head captain of Wildwood Fort, and this is Asa, my apprentice. And who might you be?” Richard asked.

“I am Shunsui. Thanks for the help.”

“Not a problem. So what are you doing here if I may ask, is it clear you are not from around here.”

“Really? Rats, what gave me away?” Shunsui said sarcastically.

“Well, for one, the fact you walked into the pub,” Richard laughed. “Second, no one around here has white hair and green eyes, and third you are a Pokemon trainer, which mean you don’t know the law.”

“The law? What do you mean?” Shunsui asked, confused.

“Yup, just as I thought. You have no idea. Well, son, outside of the army, no one is allowed to have Pokemon, you see.”

“What kind of shit is that?” Shunsui asked.

“It’s the law, nothing I can do about, I am afraid.”

“Well, if you think you are getting your hands on my Pokemon, you are out of your mind, buddy.” Shunsui informed Richard, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Now, wait just a second! No need to get hostile, you can keep your Pokemon. You just can’t use them without permission.”

“Fuck that, I’m out of here. Thanks for the help and all, but no one tells me what I can and can’t do with my Pokemon, I have money so I can pay you back.” Shunsui stood and started walking to the door.

“Hold up there, son, you are in no condition to be out on your own. You should at least stay here for another day. You can use your Pokemon while you are in the fort, just not outside in the town. While you are here, Asa will assist you will anything you need.” Richard walked out the room, leaving Asa and Shunsui alone. She looked over at him and smiled.

“What now?” Shunsui asked

“As soon as you are ready, I will show you around.” Asa said, turning on her heel and marching out of the room.

Shunsui took off the robe and put back on his black pants and brown shirt. Once he was ready, he walked out of the room where Asa was waiting in the hall. Asa caught sight of him and started to walk. Shunsui picked up his pace to catch up with her.

“What part of Duxn are you from, Asa?” Shunsui asked.

“I am not from here. I come from Varrfarrinn.” Asa replied, giggling.

“Oh, I see. My mistake.” Shunsui apologized, wary of Asa.

“I don’t mind, so now tell me where you are from.”

Shunsui knew he could so nothing about the village so instead he made up a story.

“Well, nowhere really. When I was little, my village was attacked and my parents were killed. The village burned to the ground. An old man found me in the mist of the fighting and took me away into the mountains, and that’s where I lived my whole life.” Sunsui told Asa.

She looked shocked and sad, “I am sorry for your loss, I didn’t mean to pry.” She turned away from Shunsui.

“It’s all good.”

The Fort’s hospital was made from stone and was simple to navigate. The first floor had the main hall, which was where Shunsui had been brought in through. Past the main hall was a long hall was with multiple rooms on each side, and a suppliy closet at the end. There were stairs in the main hall that took you to the second floor. Up there was the same layout, twenty rooms each side only they were for people who were recovering. This is where Shunsui was.

Asa and Shunsui went down the stairs into the main hall and out the door. There were Varrvazarr soldiers there along with Varrfarrinn troops.

Why are those troops here?” Shunsui asked.

“Varrvazarr has a few outposts around here, so they keep two platoons here in case one of then needs back up, and we have orders to let them stay.”

“I thought Varrfarrinn and Varrvazarr were not allies, though?” Shunsui replied, looking confused.

“Trust me, we are not. No way we would ally with scum like them! This is just one of those you-be-nice-we-be-nice things, so we tolerate them for now.” Asa said with an evil grin on her face.

Shunsui saw this as good opportunity to probe Asa about some things. “So, tell me, why is it that you guys are not allied, yet both attacked Duxn and both have taken over half and enslaved the people, you guys sound the same to me. Am I wrong?” Shunsui asked.

Asa turned and gave him Shunsui a look of death, her blue eyes piercing through him like sharp knives. A cold shiver ran down his spine.

“Don’t compare us to them. Ever.” Asa said with a snarl. Her voice was filled with anger.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you like that, I should have worded it better.” Shunsui replied.

“It’s fine, no harm done. Anyway the difference is we are not conquers. Varrvazarr has wanted to destroy us and take over for a long time, but we are just as strong, if not stronger, and so they set out and attack countries like yours to expand and become stronger. And so when that happened like it did here, we come in and take over as much as we can, thus making it balanced.”

Shunsui thought for a moment the replied to Asa.

“No offence, but that sounds like a load of shit to me.”

Asa glanced at Shunsui, “And why is that?” She asked.

“Well, think about it! Why come in and kill us? You say you are just making everything balanced but in truth you are just gaining power as they are. You guys could have easily come over and helped us kick them out of our land so they could not take it over. Instead you come in as the war is being lost and kill everyone and take over. That sounds like a conquer to me.”

Asa looked at Shunsui but he was unable to read her emotions.

“Well, when you put it that way, I guess you are right. We could have but I don’t know why we didn’t.” She replied.

“Let’s just forget about it, its not important anyway.” Shunsui said rubbing the back of his neck.

Shunsui looked around as him and Asa were walking outside of the hospital. The were barracks were all lined up to the west of the Fort, there looked like a big store. Houses were painted green and built from wood.

The Armory and supply bunker were to the east, they were made of stone and had guards posted at them.

The command post was in the north near the main gate. Between the hospital and the Armory was the training ground for the Pokemon trainers. It had two levels and was made of brick, and had the Varrfarrinn flag in front.

Asa and Shunsui stopped here.

“So, what are we doing?” Shunsui asked.

“We are gong to train. I hope you are ready.” She replied with a grin.

Then Asa called forth Noibat,, Shunsui was unable to see where her mark was as the shine from it was not too bright. Above them was Asa’s Pokemon Noibat. The little Pokemon’s main body was black and fuzzy, its wings were a every light purple as where its feet, and part of its head and ears. Its eyes gleamed yellow. In the middle of its forehead was a purple mark that looked like pair of bat ears. The outer parts of its ears were purple as well. Its height was about 1’08” and its weight was less than 20Ibs.

It was a very small Pokemon, but Shunsui knew never to mark off a pokmon based off its size.

“Here is what we are going to do. You and I will battle each other with our Pokemon. No making them faint just a small skirmish, okay?” Asa asked.

“Yeah that’s fine.” Shunsui replied.

A man walked over. He had a band around his right arm with a gold bar in the middle of it, which meant he was an officer. He had brown baggy pants and a heavy long sleeved shirt.

“Here are the rules! 1v1 Pokemon, only no making the other pokemon faint. You must stay inside the battle circle at all times during a match, understand?”

“Yes, sir.” Both Asa and Shunsui called.

Shunsui lifted up his arm, the light shining a bright sapphire blue. At Shunsui’s feet, a purple Pokemon with red circles and two antennae in front and spikes all over its sides appeared. Bright yellow eyes shone one either sides of the Pokemons’s head.

“Whirlipede!” the Pokemon called.

“Whirlipede! Now I know which of you tried to kill me.” Shunsui laughed.

“Alright, let the battle begin!” the officer yelled.


Whirlipede and Noibat glared at each other, their eyes filled with eagerness for the awaiting battle. A silent breeze passed between the two Pokemon heightening their sharp senses as they waiting for the first order.

“Noibat, use Wing attack, go!” Asa commanded.

“Whirlipede, use Iron defense!”


With just a flap of its wings, Noibat picked up speed fast and came in low. Whirlipede shut its eyes and focused, its body hardening like steel. Noibat flew right into Whirlipede and bounced off like a little ball crashing into the ground.

Noibat stood up and shook itself off and flew back into the air.

“Whirlwind, Noibat!” Asa yelled at the little bat Pokemon. Using its wind power, the little bat Pokemon flapped its wings as hard as it could, a small twister forming. The cyclone picked Whirlipede up and tossed him across the yard like a little doll. The Pokemon smashed into the ground viciously.

“Alright, now use Hurricane!” Asa commanded.

“So much for not making them faint.” Shunsui whispered to himself, “Whirlipede, get up!” Shunsui called.

Noibat used its wind power and started to fly in a circle. Within a matter of seconds, the winds picked up. They were so powerful Shunsui had a hard time standing. The winds picked up Whirlipede and started to spin it around, “Whirlpede, use your Pin missile attack now!” Shunsui yelled.

Noibat was still whipping up the winds when Whirlipede shut its eyes and started to fire Pin Missiles from its body, the small missiles shot out of the Hurricane at lightning speeds, the ground started to get covered in small Pins several of the pins shot out of the Hurricane and hit Noibat, once in the leg, right side and chest.

The little purple bat Pokemon had been shot down. The ground was covered in pins from Whirlepede’s onslaught, and they stabbed up at Noibat’s small body as he crashed down. Noibat was having a hard time getting up with the pins stuck into its body.

“Noibat, use Razor wind on yourself!” Asa called.

Noibat’s eyes turned light blue, it lifted up both its wings and flapped down once the air around Noibat thinned and become still for a brief moment, then a sharp breeze of wind passed Noibat cutting the pins in its body. Without Noibat’s wind power the Hurricane dissipated, Whirlipede fell to the ground both Pokemon where almost at there limit, Noibat was weak for the pin missile attack and Whirlipede was having trouble staying right side up as its head was spinning from the Hurricane.

“Whirlipede, are you okay, can you still fight?” Shunsui asked his Pokemon.

Whirlipede’s eyes opened wide and started to bounce. Whirlipede was still in this fight but it would not be for long if Shunsui could not close out this battle. “Alrighty, use sunny day, Whirlipede.” Shunsui commanded.

Whirlipede looked to the skies, its eyes taking on a orange hue, and the sun started shine very brightly. Whirlipede turned to stared at Noibat with a fierce look in its eyes.

“Noibat, use Shadow Ball!”

“Use Solar Beam attack, Whirlipede, go!”

Noibat flew up off the ground. As it flapped its wings, it opened up its mouth, a ball of dark energy forming. It grew bigger and bigger until one could see the little yellow threads of electricity running through the black ball.

Energy started to surge between Whirlipede’s antennas. The green orbs of grass power gathered and Whirlipede absorbed them into its body, powering up its attack. Whirlipede focused every bit of power it had absorbed, merging it with his own energy, and unleashed its Solar Beam. The green beam of solar power shot through the sky at Noibat.

Noibat’s Shadow Ball was four times its own size. The Pokemon put all its power into it, and then fired it at Whirlipede, The two powerful attacks collided in midair. Evenly matched in power, the two attacks merged. Everything seemed to pause for a moment as the air charged with power from the attacks. A boom sounded and the attacks exploded, a power wave knocking everyone to the ground, and throwing the Pokemon from the battle circle.

Shunsui picked himself up off the ground and dusted himself off. He looked over to whirlipede, who was laying on its side, about to faint. Shunsui stretched out his right hand then called Whirlipede.

“Whirlipede, return to me and rest!” The bug Pokemon disappeared from the field, reappearing on Shunsui’s arm.

Asa got up and called back Noibat as well, then dusted herself off.


Shunsui walked over to Asa. And said, “You might want bathe, you are covered in dirt.”
Asa turned and looked at Shunsui, “Oh, yeah, so I am. Hehe.” Asa giggled while she rubbed the back of her neck. “


Asa turned to Shunsui and said, “I lost fair and square, that was fast thinking on your end. Good job.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.” Shunsui replied.

“Let’s go.”

Asa and Shunsui walked out of the circle, leaving a big mess behind. They walked over to the barracks and went into one. Asa sat down on the first bed near the door, on the side was a trunk. She lifted it open and pulled out some berries. Asa called Noibat back out. It sat on the bed next to her and ate the berries she gave to it.

“Do you want some for your Pokemon? They will heal faster.” Asa asked.

“No thanks, Whirlipede just needs a little rest. He will be fine.”

As Asa fed her Pokemon, Shunsui just stared at her, trying to figure out why she was being so nice. Why were they helping him, what did they want? All these questions and more came to mind.

“So Asa, what made you join the army?” Shunsui asked.

“Well, after my parents died, I had no way of taking care of myself and the army seemed like a good idea.” Asa replied, twirling her thumbs.

I am sorry; I didn’t know they had died. Sorry for asking.” Shunsui replied.

“Its okay, your parents are gone too, so we can relate to each other. Now tell me about yourself.” Asa sat up straight and looked right into Shunsui’s eyes.

“Well, as you know my parents are dead, so growing up I had only one person.” Shunsui stop for a second thinking of what he should tell her, since he didn’t want anyone knowing about Jushiro and him but he didn’t want to lie as well, so he threw in a little truth.

“That was my best friend, Jushiro. His parents were killed like mine, so we lived together like brothers. We learned to fight together, to hunt, cook, read, and write, you name it we did it. It was like that for all our life, then we had to leave the village we were in.”

“What happen?” Asa asked with an intense look.

“It was just time we left. There is a big world out there, why stay in only one little part of it? So we split up and went our own way.”

“That sounds fishy to me. How about your hair and eyes? I have never seen anyone with white hair and green eyes. You’re pretty muscular, only warriors have the time to discipline their bodies like that.”

Shunsui knew Asa was fishing for information on him so he decided to do the same.

“My white hair and green eyes come from my mother, I look just like her I am told, as for my body, I have seen my fair share of fighting, what about you?”

“What about me?” Asa replied.

“I know your mom and dad are dead but outside of that I know nothing about you.”

Asa looked away, brushing her hair away from her face before looking back. “Okay, fair enough.”

“I come from Varrfarrinn, I am nineteen, I have never been in a real battle, I love pokemon and painting. I like eating sweets and meat, I like sneaking off in the night to go look at stars and I have never been with a boy. That’s about all there is.” Asa said with a smile on her face.

Asa turned and gave another berry to her pokemon, She was supposed to shed some light on herself, but just left Shunsui more confused.

“You falling for me, is that why you can’t keep your eyes off me?” Asa asked giggling.

“What? Don’t be dumb.” Shunsui replied turning his face away.

“Oh so, I am unattractive? You think I am ugly, is that it?” Asa teased.

“What! I never said that! I don’t think you’re ugly.”

“HA! Got you.” Asa stuck her tongue out at Shunsui.

“You’re just teasing, Asa.”

“I’m just messing with you.” Asa giggled. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Ahh!” Shunsui fell to the floor, black dots swimming in front of his eyes.

“AHH!” The sounds of panicked screams tore through the air.

A series of flashes passed through Shunsui’s mind. People were being slaughtered, running for their lives. Everything was on fire, dead bodies littered the ground, the stench of charred flesh hanging in the air.

“Shunsui, wake up! Can you hear me? Wake up.” Richard was trying to wake Shunsui.

Shunsui awakened in a panic.

“What the hell was that? Where am I?!” He called, thrashing and yelling. Richard and two other soldiers held him down.

“Calm down, Shunsui!” Richard yelled.

Shunsui took a few deep breaths and calmed himself. He sat up, leaning on the bed, his whole body trembling.

“What the hell happened, Shunsui? Talk to me.” Richard asked.

“Dead. They were all dead. Everyone was burning, their bodies butchered like animals.”

“Shunsui, listen to me. Who was, I need to know.” Richard asked with a look of worry.

“Wildwood.” Shunsui said.

Richard stood up and looked at the other two men. “I want troops around the city. Get scouts out to the plains to see if they can find anything.”

“But sir!” one of the soldiers protested.

“Do as you are told!” Richard yelled.

The two men rushed out. Richard looked at both Shunsui and Asa and said, “Asa look after him while I am out. I need to see to a few things. Shunsui, rest up till I get back.”

“My things, I left them in the inn when I first got here.” Shunsui replied.

“I will have someone go get them for you. In the mean time…”


“DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG!”

“That’s the war bell! We are under attack!” Asa yelled.

“Stay here!” Richard commanded, before rushing out.


To be continued…

Spoiler

Pokemon going for: Noibat
CC needed: 20k - 30k
My CC: 31,628 might be off a little.

 

Missed this somehow in the backlog. Sorry!

EDIT: Grade on hold as per author's request.

 

Claiming. Since I'm still legal and all.

 

...guys. I swear I'm still working on this and stuff. Midterms/finals/final presentations/college life in general is wearing me down until two weeks from yesterday. That's all.

If it's really so preferable that CLC grade this story, that's chill too, but I do still check this site every day. Just trying to make the best grade possible and whatnot. :>

 

Introduction~

A good introduction. You tell us where the heroes are, why they are there, and what they are doing. There’s not much of a mention as to how the three countries engaged in war, nor why Jushiro and Shunsui are fighting against their conquers, which would have been nice because it seems incredibly one-sided. There was clearly a battle that had taken place in said village, though why they chose to fight rather than flee is a mystery, since you have not included the reason. These are just smaller details that aren’t too big in the scheme of things, though it would strengthen the story to have everything lined up and explained as we are at the second part of the story, not the first where these things have probably already been seen to. When mentioning past events, it is best to remind the reader why they have taken place, since most probably haven’t read the first part of the story.

Mentioning the Pokemon belonging to Jushiro and Shunsui was a nice touch. It identified the Pokemon not just as secondary companions, but also as main characters of the story. The setting of the story was completely original, which is very exciting, as it isn’t based in the Pokemon regions, which leaves you plenty of room to explore with surroundings and people. The rest is really just filler, not really important, so we shall continue on.

Plot~

Everyone loves a good underdog story, and Duxn clearly falls into that majority. In the beginning, you have made it very clear that Duxn was not only beaten in the war, but ground into dust and walked all over. This is good to see, because you are establishing the history of the country, which makes Shunsui and Jushiro’s journey seem all that more interesting.

It is clear that this will be a long continuance, so be careful to repeat information as you go along. As far as plots go, this is a standard journey plot, though there are some twists as far as that goes, what with the introduction of new characters and the splitting up of our heroes. The pace of this story was a bit slow, what with all the staging of events, dialogue, and fluff with the village. There is something I want to mention, and that is the fights. The action is clearly part of the overall feel for the story, but the way it is taking place is a bit dull.

The two main fights in the story, the beginning and the skirmish with Asa, both happen in villages. Though the action in the beginning fight isn’t detailed, giving the last fight a fresher feeling, be sure to change up the fighting grounds, or else your battles, even with the inventive and entertaining tactics, will start to feel boring and repetitive and it distracts from the better parts of the fighting. All the details of the plot aren’t fully explained, and it’s unfolding rather slowly, which is making your story seem rather long, almost as if it’s being dragged out. There were better parts of it, the smaller events that happen, that reflected some life back into your story, but it was still very bumpy. Some revising of your language could make it more engaging, so keep that in mind.

The skirmish with Asa is also something I wish to address. Seemingly, Shunsui insults Asa a few times with a few misguided comments, but her temper seems to wax from hot to cold and everything in between. However, the skirmish sticks out in the story because it doesn’t feel like it was an origin part of the story, but rather just something thrown in to add to the character count. The skirmish sticks out in the plot because how sudden it came to be about. The moves and tactics that were in it were entertaining, but the whole thing seems clunky and not very well thought through. That being said, the ending was a bit sudden, going from Shunsui and Asa talking to a vivid vision. The transition wasn’t very smooth and needed something to make it seem easier instead of sort of choppy because your pace went from slow to very fast without much of a notice.

Grammar~

You have quite the talent when it comes to commas. And when I say talent, I mean you have the propensity to place them at the weirdest places, this sentence as a case example.

The first part of this quote isn't quite right. There isn't a way to really fix it, other to revise it because 'Duxn, it's people free and peaceful', doesn't sound right when you take out the other part. I would advise rearranging the sentence so it would sound something like 'It's people free and peaceful, Duxn was once the heart of the north'. As for the last part, the first comma isn't needed, and I would have replaced the second comma with a period.

There is also a small issue with double-spacing between the words and paragraphs, but those aren’t very common in this story. The narrator in the beginning also speaks quite oddly. It’s almost as if he’s speaking in a mix of first person and third person, and the result is quite odd.

In this example, both Shunsui and Jushiro speak, but their dialogue isn’t separated, which can be confusing. When characters speak, it is all right to split up the sentences into two parts, but only if the first character is continuing the sentence. When two characters are speaking, you have to split them up to eliminate confusion, rather than just leaving them grouped together. There is also an unneeded comma in this sentence, which leaves it quite oddly formed.

This is another example of the split-person view I mentioned before. You say ‘had’ in the first sentence, than ‘has’. Remember to proofread and these typos will be of no consequence. I’m only mentioning this because it appears more than once, and is quite distracting. There is a sprinkling of curse words through out this story, but most are in the description of the pub in Karthus. Bad language isn’t a horrible thing, but be mindful when grouping them together, as it sounds crude and off-putting. You also missed a few words in sentences, but I won’t quote any because it wasn’t too common.

The last thing I want to address in this section is your capitol letters. When spelling out the Pokemon moves, half are capitalized and half aren’t. It sticks out, especially since all the other words are in lowercase rather than uppercase. Though most people choose to capitalize the Pokemon moves, it isn’t really important. The half capitalizing of the words, however, tends to be annoying. Other than what I have pointed out, the grammar seems to be pretty good, very solid through out the story. Just remember to proofread a few times while writing and after you finish.

Description~

Description is good. The main characters’ looks are described well and the surroundings are very well detailed. It’s all very good, but description just doesn’t apply to the visible in the story. It applies to the unseen as well. I’m talking about emotional undertones. Even if it is an action story, your characters are still human, at least in the story, and they should have the full range of emotions that we do. Without emotions, your story would just seem flat and uninteresting. Stories should have depth, something to entrance and pull the reader in, especially a story of this length. Sure, violence is great, but there’s only so far it will carry you.

Though the main characters are described well, the secondary characters that serve as back props weren’t given much attention. Being secondary characters, not much detail is needed since they won’t be sticking around, but a few words are needed towards them. It helps to paint a better mental image in the long run, and makes the story seem nicer.

Length~

Length is good, well within the guidelines for this Pokemon. The story does seem longer, due to the often unsteady pace of this story. I wouldn’t write much here, because it’s not really a turning point of this grade. According to my character count, your story is 32,013, but only 7,069 actually featured Noibat. This does pose a small problem since Noibat is a Hard ranking Pokemon, and it is under half of the character count needed to okay it. However, a character count isn’t really important, but it would have been good to see more of the intended capture Pokemon in the story.

Outcome~

There were some problem areas, but the story was still a solid read. It may not have been the most emotionally engaging, but it was still entertaining, which is really all we can hope for when we write a story. For future tips, I would advice exploring any relations an event may have to another to help the story connect more to evade plot holes, and to think them through thoroughly, as well as proofread. Everything I have brought up through this grade was a problem, but each was easily fixable. Other than the skirmish and Noibat not being very present, I would say that the others weren’t too big and didn’t tip the scales out of your favor by much. I was on the fence about this one and your creative use of the Pokemon moves in the battle helped you out a bit, but not enough. That being said, Noibat is not captured. I wanted to pass this, but Noibat just wasn’t in the story enough. If the spoiler hadn’t been included, the intended Pokemon to capture probably wouldn’t have even been identifiable. If you could manage to work more of the Noibat into the story, using the ending, it would definitely have been a pass. Not all that I mentioned needs to be changed, but there definitely needs to be more Noibat.​

 

This story has been discontinued