Stories from the Lakeside

Right, putting my first story up in hopes of capturing a mon. I generally don't dabble much into fanfiction and don't consider myself all that good, but I'm hoping it'll be enough. The plot is pretty basic, though.

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Stories from the Lakeside: Chapter One​

The moon. A shining beacon of hope that radiates the night sky. It loyally watches over the people of the planet below, guiding for them, caring for them, and leading them through the seemingly endless darkness of night. Brandon knew this, but as he glanced up at the orb with deep blue eyes, he couldn't help but feel more intimidated by the magnitude of the object; an object which if damaged in the slightest would cause mass floods and destruction throughout the planet. How something of such elegance and beauty could hold the balance of a world of six billion people in check amazed him in a way that he could not comprehend, so he stopped over-thinking the situation, eyes flowing down to the reason he had braved the cold of night.

It was a lake, spanning around a kilometre in length, and was perhaps the most stunning place in the world. Azuril blew bubbles softly across the water, the moonlight shining down through the spheres in a way that left Brandon breathless, even though he had seen the sight over a thousand times already. Popping softly against his arm's bare skin, he shivered and withdrew his arm for comfort, the lakes temperature being exceptionally cold compared even to the cool summers night.

Nonetheless, he would come here every night, and every night he would go through the same procedure.

But not tonight. Tonight was different.

Ever since he'd moved to the lakeside, he'd always been enthralled by the Pokemon that lived there, and although he had no Pokemon of his own, tonight was the night he was going to achieve his goal. Tonight, he was going to capture a Pokemon.

Two powerful and daunting questions prevented him from reaching this goal, however. Firstly, what was he going to catch, and secondly, how on earth was he going to capture it? The fourteen year old's childish mind had gone over thousands of possibilities, including fishing nets, ice Pokemon, and one idea even involved electrocuting the lake itself, but he soon realised all of those ideas would cause him a large bundle of unnecessary grief.

So, he'd instead opted for a more traditional yet equally risky method; swimming out into the lake itself and physically grabbing any Pokemon he could find. Some Pokemon scattered themselves around the shoreline like the bubble blowing Azuril, but they warranted not his attention; they simply weren't strong enough for his liking. He knew Pokemon was all about raising your team mates up and therefore bonding through that, but if their final form isn't that powerful either then the exercise becomes pointless. What he really needed to catch was something that would annihilate its foes upon evolution, and he knew the perfect mon for the job. A Magikarp.

Common around the world, these creatures were known for their uselessness, Brandon eating them for dinner on a variety of occasions, but their evolved forms were huge monsters of destruction that raged across the lakes and oceans. He'd even heard rumours of a red variation of the evolved beasts in a place called the Lake of Rage. Their evolutionary stage was besides the point for now, as all he needed to secure was one of the youngsters, and it wasn't exactly going to be difficult, right? His father caught them on a daily basis, and he knew that he could have asked his father for one of the carp if he really wanted too. But no, this would be a personal victory. His own success, proof he was fit to be a trainer, and proof that he could do anything his father could!

Then again, his father had a fishing rod. And a boat.

Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all.

Shrugging off any thoughts of changing his mind, he firmly placed his goggles down on his eyes, flicking his dark brown hair out of the way so he could secure it fully. To achieve his goal he had 'borrowed' he swimsuit of his older brother, and although some parts were a bit loose and the arms were much too long, it would still be enough to stop himself from freezing to death. He hoped.

Glancing one last time at the glistening bubbles of the Azuril, Brandon leapt into the lake, ready to endure whatever perils Mother Nature could throw at him.

His arms immediately spread out in the breast stroke formation, the elongated sleeves helping in a sense to spread the water apart, moving him forwards as the moonlight dancing along the lakes surface. Alarmed at the presence of a non-Pokemon form amongst themselves, several aquatic Pokemon darted downwards towards the lake floor, a place Brandon held no interest for as of now. He'd learned many things from his fathers fishing rambles, and perhaps the most important one was the fact Magikarp always stayed close to the surface. If he hadn't of known that and had decided instead to swim downwards, his entire life may well have been at risk, his father under constant belief that there was something odd towards the lakes bottom.

Slowly and steadily he endured his course into the lake, knowing that he'd find none of the red fish close to the shore, and he eventually settled a good portion in around a large amount of lilypads. The green leaves were resting peacefully on the water and Brandon ignored their presence, swimming through and around the leaves before deciding to test how secure the leaves were. Placing two hands on the nearest lily, he held firmly on, and found that there was enough support so that he could balance with ease.

It was at this point he finally noticed exactly what he was looking for. A red blur moving slowly through the lilies could only have been one of the wanted Magikarp. Watching the fish carefully, Brandon bided his time; he didn't want to scare off the carp before the encounter even began. Keeping himself steady and silent, he watched the creature head in his direction, until finally he knew what he had to do. Using the leaf to propel himself forwards, he latched on to the Magikarp, the fish writhing and screaming as it attempted to escape Brandon's grasp.

As he looked at the Magikarp, he noticed something different about it in comparison to the ones his father brought in. It was larger than the usual batch, its eyes looking infuriated at Brandon whereas they usually had impartial expressions. The creature wasn't splashing a flailing about as its species usually would, rather simply trying to nudge Brandon off against one of the leaves.

Something was odd about it.

Fearing that more might occur if he held on to the Magikarp any longer, Brandon swiftly detached himself and swam back, gripping onto one of the leaves again for support as the red monster eyed him evilly. Gulping, Brandon could do little but watch as the beast sped through the water towards him, seemingly intent on tackling against him, though the youngster knew that the monstrosity couldn't inflict too much damage with that manoeuvre. Instead, once the Magikarp came in close to him, it leapt upwards into the air from the water, its body starting to glow with a brilliant blue radiance as it stopped in mid-air.

Brandon could identify the first part of the attack as a bounce ability, but what was happening now he could not understand. Thinking back over the past few minutes, he attempted to piece up some idea of what was happening to the creature as the glow suddenly shone out brilliantly, the Magikarps shape deformed into nothing.

And then it hit him; this creature was evolving.

The fishy form first expanded into a large blob of blue energy, the ball easily large enough to consume a dozen Brandons. Out of the top end of the shape, a long strand emerged, and a similar thing occurred from the bottom. The energy slowly headed inwards, until the ball was no longer a ball, more a curved cylinder, segments being cut into the orb of energy as the different bits of the creature formed. Large spiked decorations emerged from parts of the sea snake, and a tail and head each firmly created themselves. The last part of the creature to be created was its eyes, large and furious, the snake descending and landing in the water, disappearing into the depths below.

A Gyarados had just been formed. Right before his eyes, the creature he intended to own later in life had been made. How could he have ever considered one of these monstrosities of destruction he couldn't remember, but he knew that he was definitely put off the idea now, and would return to the shoreline as soon as possible.

As he turned to swim away, however, a loud shaking noise came from below. Brandon cried out in dismay at his foolishness; did he really think the Gyarados would let him escape after he latched onto it like a madman? Figuring that his best bet was to get out of the water rather than stay in such a hazardous zone, he firmly pulled himself atop the Lilypads he was gripped too, surprised at how easily his entire weight could be sustained.

Moments after he'd stood up fully, the large snake rushed out from the water, smashing into the open air as it towered over Brandon like a titan, its impressive leer keeping the young boy frozen in his tracks. Opening its mouth wide, the creature revealed a set of four large, white teeth which glistened as the moon came off of it. Energy formed slowly in the back of the draconic lizards mouth, and Brandon knew that this was going to be it; the end of his life was near. A hyper beam attack such as the one being charged would obliterate him, and he was too scared to even move a muscle. It was sickening that he would be so helpless as his life came to an end.

Any second now the beam would be fire. Any second now his life would be over, yet as he looked down towards his feet, he swore he noticed a flick of movement below. But that wasn't possible, right? No creature would dare go near this monster in its rage induced state. Finally, the moment was here, and although he wanted to close his eyes, Brandon couldn't stop himself staring right at the creature as the beam was ready. And then, it was fired.

A sudden blur of green distracted the gaze of Gyarados momentarily, before the water type suddenly jerked to the right, launching its beam in a random direction. Before Brandon could even try to guess what had occurred, the lilypads below him began to move! It seemed like an impossible thing to happen, but he was really escaping the lizard on the back of a plant. Although he knew that grass types existed, he'd never heard of one that could live in the water, and as the Pokemon took him away, he watched several more of the green blurs hitting against the monster, Brandon able to identify them as Energy Balls presumably fired by more of these plant like creatures. Soon enough, he had been taken ashore, and quickly leapt off the plant, before turning round to see his rescuer. The creature, apparently happy to help, moved slowly onto the shore, revealing a blue body and eyes underneath what appeared to be a lilypads hat.

“Lo.” The creature softly murmured, glancing up at Brandon carefully.

Thinking carefully for a second, Brandon stared deep into the Pokemon's eyes, before murmuring “Wait right here!”

He was gone in a flash, speeding to his house and barging through the front door. He didn't care how much of a racket he was causing. He didn't care how angry his parents would be with him in the morning. All he cared about at the moment was finding his dads Pokeball supplies, something that would be relatively easy, the man always leaving anything of importance in plain sight. After a few minutes of searching, he eventually found the stash, and grabbed the first ball he could see, running outside and sprinting towards the lake.

Thankfully, the creature was still there when he arrived, and with a swift smile to the Pokemon christened 'Lo', he threw the Pokeball at it, knowing that this saviour was far superior to the Gyarados he originally desired. Anything that could stand up to a monster like that in its lowest form had to be powerful, and even if it grew weaker when it evolved, it had saved his life, and the bond between him and the creature was now irreversibly in place.

One click, two clicks, three clicks...

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Pokemon desired: Lotad
Required characters: 5,000 - 10,000
Amount used: 12,092

 

Well, you asked for non-grader feedback on the Chat, so here it is!


Introduction: So, we are introduced to a lakeside scenery, beautiful moon, and Brandon. It's a lovely, peaceful image: very calm, vey serene. However, I suspect that most graders would be looking for a bit more description of Brandon, from what I've read of offical grades. Also, if I'm going to be picky (and it seems like I am going to be), then:

I'm a bit wary of this paticular description. A movement of the eyes may be fluent, but you're making it sound like a liquid being poured out of a jar at the moment - however, this might just be me.

Also:

Lovely description, but a minor point can be picked up here. Where you talk about the Azuril's bubbles, you then move onto the moonlight and then onto the sight. Then you say: "Popping softly". The most recent things you have talked about are the moonlight and the sight of the lake, and as such it seems like you are talking about either the light or the sight popping. Just make it clearer you're talking about the bubbles.


Plot: A boy decides to get his own Pokémon, upsets a Magikarp which promtly evolves, and is saved by a (bunch of?) Lotad. Similar to the basic first Pokémon story of "boy goes out to find Pokémon, captures a Pokémon", with the only real difference being that he ends up with a Pokémon different to the one he originally wanted but is pleased with the result. Fairly basic (as you said), but for a first Pokémon story I imagine that it is fine.

This was one part of the story I had a bit of an issue with. Firstly, when you said "the lily-pad below him began to move", I pictured it shaking slightly. However, it turned out to be drifting away from the Gyarados (if I understood correctly). As a lily-pad, it's not something you'd expect to move (or at least I don't generally expect lily-pads to move). If I said "the car began to move" you would assume it was travelling. However, if I said "the house began to move", I personally would assume this meant a slight trembling perhaps, certainly not that the house was moving forward across the ground. You probably should have just made that slightly clearer.

Secondly, the Energy Balls attacking the Gyarados. I wasn't sure whether it was this lone heroic Lotad continuously pestering the Gyarados with Energy Balls, or whether it was several Lotads attacking the Gyarados. The latter would make more sense, though there is nothing at all indicating there is more than one Lotad, save for the "several more of the green blurs".

However, if it was just the one Lotad, I found it pretty implausible that a Lotad's Energy Balls would do that much to a Gyarados, and I'm sure that if it was just one Lotad, the Gyarados definitely wouldn't just stay still and let itself be attacked without giving chase. However, the Gyarados appears to do nothing, suggesting that there were several Lotads surrounding the Gyarados, so it didn't know where to go. So, if it was the former, think a bit more about the small details in the plot, and if it was the latter, then make it much clearer.


Dialogue: Nothing apart from the solitary "Lo" really. So, to make this section a bit bulkier, I'll put something here that really belongs in the Grammar section.

What would be normal to do here is: "Lo," the creature softly murmured". However, in this case (it's not usually the case) I personally believe it is fine as it is. If you'd have chosen to put:

In this case the comma is necessary. However, as you've put it, you can remove the "Lo." and it still makes sense, so it's a-okay. Of course, it's fully possible that you knew all this already.


Grammar: One minor point I noticed was that you were inconsistent with the word "lilypad": while I am no expert on the term lilypad, once you decide on how you're writing it, stay consistent. I saw "lilypad", "Lily-pad" and "lily-pad". The middle wrong was downright wrong (unnecessary capitalisation in the middle of a sentence, possibly a typo), and I personally wouldn't be too bothered about either of the other two, as long as you settle on one.

You also need to learn about the usage of apostrophes in possession.

You make similar mistakes quite a few times.

This should be: "Brandon stared deep into the Pokémon's eyes". (NOTE: I'm not counting the lack of an accent on your 'e' as a mistake, many people don't do it. I just like doing it though.)

The eyes belong to the Pokémon, and this is indicated by the apostrophe.

Other examples: Hoppyfred's room.

If, however, the word ends in an 's' (either due to plural or just the fact that the word ends in 's') then you just add an apostrophe after the 's'. Eg: The cats' tails - there is more than one cat and they have tails. Eg2: James' room.

I have seen, however, people, teachers and textbooks saying to add another 's' after the apostrophe. This is less common and I personally dislike it, but it does exist. Eg: the cats's tails; James's room.

A noise can't be large.

'Large' describes something physical: you can touch it. A noise would be loud.

This is picky, but instead of energy ball I would put Energy Ball. I assume you're referring to the attack, and as such it needs capitalisation. Quite easily you could be describing an attack as an "energy ball" in which case there would be no need for capitals, but as you've said that they have been identified as energy balls, presumably Brandon has identified them as the attack (although not necessarily) and as such it needs capitals.

'Bode' is the past tense of 'bid'. Eg: He bode his friend goodbye. However, you are looking for 'bided', the past tense of 'bide' I believe.

I would have preferred Mother Nature. Yes, I'm picky. Mother Nature is a proper noun in my view, so it needs capitals. Perhaps not on Mother, but at least on Nature.

Firstly, Lake of Rage. It's a place name, so it needs capitalisation (not on 'of' though. You rarely see 'of' capitalised in a title/place name). This next bit might confuse you though: although you have talked about Gyarados most recently, you talked about it as an evolution of Magikarp, with Magikarp still being the central theme, and as such it appears you are talking about a rare red variation of Magikarp. Again, it may help to clear this up.


Your grammar though was mostly superb: most of the above are just mostly very minor points.


Detail: There was a lot of detail in the introduction (could possibly have been a bit more description of Brandon). I could picture the scene clearly, however later one you could have talked about the temperature of the water - was it cold? Warm? It might have been nice also to describe the Lotad being captured by the Pokéball: the flash of light that ensnares it.


Length: If your figures are accurate, it's great.


Battle: As I mentioned before, I found the idea of a single Lotad taking on a Gyarados (albeit newly evolved) slightly ridiculous. Also, no battle against the Lotad? Okay, so it may be tired from the Energy Ball attacks, but still...(although to be fair you don't have a Pokémon I suppose. I'm sure you could've worked it in somehow!)


Outcome: If I were to grade this (and I'm not, I'm not a grader, but if I were to grade this) I would say Lotad captured! I think overall it is excellent, and though it may seem like I found a lot of flaws, I was only being so picky because I felt that it was so good, and I would be justified in picking out the flaws that there were to help you to improve even further.


TO CLARIFY, I AM NOT A GRADER. YOUR LOTAD HAS NOT YET BEEN CAUGHT, HOWEVER YOU MIGHT WANT TO CORRECT THE MISTAKES I HAVE HIGHLIGHTED TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCE OF SUCCESS. YOU MIGHT ALSO WANT TO JUST COMPLETELY IGNORE ME, EITHER WAY IS FINE.

 

Introduction, Characters, Backstory:Your intro is nice and descriptive... even thought-provoking, and your character's backstory is at least hinted at throughout the story. Also, there is a fairly complete description of Brandon, albeit spread out across several paragraphs. Hence, in my opinion the introduction of setting and character is definitely adequate. Good job.


Plot Content, Plot Flow: I agree with Hoppyfred on this count-- while your plot is essentially the basic, "Trainer goes in search of Pokémon, ends up catching one," it's made unique by the details of your character as well as by a couple of twists, namely that Brandon doesn't start the story with a 'starter Pokémon,' and that he doesn't finish the story with the Pokémon he originally intended to capture.
This is nice, because it makes your story unique without engaging in an unnecessarily complex plot. If I want to read a ninety-thousand-letter-long epic ballad with an immensely original plot, I'll look for someone trying to catch four Complex or Demanding-rated Pokémon at once. =P


Grammar, Sentence Flow: As there were no problems major enough to actually impact the readability and clarity of your story, I'd just like to say that the following are all mere nitpicks. ^_^ Your spelling and grammar were close enough to flawless that I am satisfied, and almost none of the sentences seemed 'forced.'

The first nitpick is actually not aimed at you. Hoppyfred, you failboat! (Just kidding! xD)

While you are correct about the past tense of 'bide' being 'bided,' the past of 'bid' is actually 'bade. As in, "He bade his friend goodbye." Nice try though.

This one is directed at you, though, Handy. There's one paragraph which was a bit of a problem:

The last part of this first sentence is just a bit unclear as to what you're trying to say. It's either, "...moving him forwards, as the moonlight danced across the lake's surface," which is just an added description, or it's, "...moving him forwards like the moonlight that danced along the lake's surface." The latter strikes me as odd, simply because one doesn't think of the moonlight moving 'forwards,' so I assume you meant the former.
Note: Yes, the way you wrote it is technically grammatically correct, but no one writes or speaks that way any more and nearly anyone reading it would see it as a mistake. It simply sounds odd, because it's practically Shakespearean (Elizabethan) English: so archaic that it's wrong for all practical purposes.

I think what you were trying to say here is 'as yet,' since "as of now" is identical in meaning to "starting now."

The main mistake that recurred throughout this paragraph, but that you didn't mix up very often elsewhere, was missing the apostrophes in possessives. "Lake's" and "father's" need the apostrophes or you're making the word plural rather than possessive.
Also, 'If he hadn't have known that' is the correct use of the other bolded-word-containing phrase.

Seriously, though, these mistakes are small enough that I'm only pointing them out to help you avoid making the same mistake next time-- they don't impact your story at all because it's still clear what you're trying to say.


Detail, Description: This was good. Many authors, beginners and veterans alike, forget to describe their character and the world around them, but the fact that you describe both, as well as adding 'unnecessary' (non-plot-related) details such as the bubbles the Azurill is making, means that this meets and exceeds the expectations for a story written to catch a Simple-rated Pokémon. Kudos.


Battles: This was very short. Perhaps justified by your character's lack of a starting Pokémon, but there is always potential to make a piece of writing more interesting. Your battle could do with having a great deal more complexity, considering that it consisted entirely of a single, 'flinch-canceled' Hyper Beam and a large amount of Energy Balls.
Still, what prevents this section from being totally inadequate is that, at least in my opinion, a battle doesn't always have to be the climax of a story. The problem remains that this leaves your story without a clear climax, or maybe just a rather underwhelming one if you count the Magikarp suddenly evolving and Brandon coming face to face with a near-death experience.


Overall: While the battle/climax was a weak point in your story, the stage was set well by your intro. In addition, everything, from your character, Brandon, to his surroundings, was fairly well described. The plot was made unique by these details along with the twist of Brandon 'not getting the Pokémon he expected,' and the grammar left very little to be desired.
Overall, the story had a nice and consistent atmosphere to it, and was quite fun to read.


Result:
Lotad: CAUGHT.
Congratulations! ^_^