Steelix Alert

Author: Pman
Pokemon: After a Magikarp
Status: Graded and rewritten
Length: 2243
Estimated length: 2000

Gazing down the road, gently caressing the head of his favourite Poliwag,Dirk McWilliams saw a sight to behold. A cloud of dust moving closer and closer, a ripple in the ground, a glint of silver and a low rumbling sound that echoed around the valley.

Worried he gazed on as the earth churned and slowly, a metallic spike rose out of the ground, and then another...A rending sound, like metal scraping on metal met his ears followed by a large deafening bang.

A Steelix head popped out of the ground and then back in, followed by another. "Uh-Oh", exclaimed Dirk as he started to sprint, the sound of tearing metal behind him, his Poliwag gearing to fight. Dirk thought for a moment and realised that just that morning, He'd taught his Poliwag Surf, and after all, one man cannot run sprint forever and who could outrun a Steelix.

A solution seemed to present itself to him but it would still be a tough battle, two Steelix facing him down. "Do it Poliwag and Magikarp", he screamed as he threw his pokeballs. Two steel type Pokemon against a water/fighting and a rock type, this could be fun.


Poliwag used water gun on the first Steelix doing considerable damage, both Steelix reponded with Thunder Fang against his Magikarp...."No" screeched Dirk as his Magikarp fainted, "I knew this would happen".


"Poliwag, hit them hard with surf", the first Steelix fainted but the other remained and it was angry, Thunder Fang was the next attack, Poliwag was now in a bad state, this might not end well. "Give Hydro Pump a shot", but the Hydro Pump missed. This did not look good.

Luckily the Steelix next attack went wide of the mark giving Dirk another shot with Hydro Pump...A critical hit to seal the deal. Steelix lay on its back exhausted. Dirk was safe for now but his Pokemon were still badly wounded.

As his Pokemon began to flicker, Dirk whooped with joy, his Poliwag was becoming a Poliwhirl, a useful creature to have by his side in any situation. Its white belly glistening in the sun, Poliwhirl eagerly drank the potion that Dirk gave it, a chance at escape he thought.

Whilst he had a long and grueling journey ahead of him, Dirk felt confident in the abilities of his pokemon and of himself...together, he and his pokemon could take on the world and win.

 

Claimed for grading.

Here goes:
INTRO

You open this short vignette with the main character on the road with his Pokemon. He notices that something's wrong- a pair of Steelix is coming. It's a good way to interest the reader in the story.

PLOT

Man sees Steelix. Man fights Steelix. Man wins. Pokemon evolves. Confidence and hard work make you a champion!

A fairly ordinary plot, except for the use of unevolved Pokemon against the rather powerful Steelix. The fact that it's basically a double battle, except that one of the Pokemon faints pretty much immediately, makes it more exciting, but you're making that Poliwag seem pretty powerful. Sure, if it evolves that means it was at least level 24, but Steelix is Steelix.

DIALOGUE

Dialogue isn't an important part of this story. One note: why would Dirk screech? That's not a verb often applied to men.

CHARACTERIZATION

Characterization isn't an important part of this story. Dirk McWilliams is your average Pokemon Trainer. Sure, he has a penchant for weak Water-types, but he's still your ordinary gung-ho me-and-the-Pokemon-can-do-anything type. No problem: with a story this short, any attempts to make the characters deeper would require quite a lot of effort and subtlety. Doing a lot with a little is the mark of a seasoned writer. I'd say neither of us are seasoned writers.

GRAMMAR

Some issues:

Paragraph 1
You forgot a space after one of your commas.

Paragraph 3
"Uh-oh" shouldn't be capitalized in both parts.
Poliwag should "gear up," not just "gear."
Don't capitalize "he" after a comma.
"run sprint" is redundant. Choose one word and go with it.
"and who could outrun a Steelix." is a rhetorical question. Rhetorical questions require question marks.

Paragraph 4
There should be a comma after "Do it."

Paragraph 5
Attack names should be capitalized.
At the very end of the paragraph: you should note that punctuation marks generally go inside quotation marks: "I knew this would happen."

Paragraph 6
Capitalize attack names.
Don't connect sentences with a comma. This is called a "comma splice," and is bad grammar. Instead, use semicolons or break it up into different sentences.

"Poliwag, hit them hard with Surf!" The first Steelix fainted, but the other remained. It was angry, and with Thunder Fang as its next attack, Poliwag was now in a bad state. This might not end well.

Paragraph 8
Another comma splice. Actually, probably a multiple comma splice.

DETAIL

It's okay, I guess. Short stories are all about how much description you can get in to make things seem vivid... and doing it in the fewest words possible. You could tell more about how Pokemon move in battle, perhaps, or the nature of the attacks. Battles are meant to be exciting. Don't just play it out in your head and take it for granted. Try and capture the excitement and suspense in your story. Also, you could be a little more evocative. For example, you say that Poliwhirl's belly glistens. You could go a bit further and add the word "moistly" or something like that to play up the fact that it's a Water-type.

PLAUSIBILITY

Some problems here:
-Poor Magikarp. So weak it didn't even get to move, and yet it was sent into battle against giant Steel-type Pokemon.
-One-hit KO with Surf? Probably not with this combination of Pokemon.
-Neither Poliwag nor Poliwhirl are Water/Fight. They are Water-only. Also, Magikarp isn't a Rock-type Pokemon.
-Hydro Pump? That makes Poliwag at least level 38. Why didn't it evolve? I'm also still not sure that it was strong enough to face a Steelix.
-Are you saying that Poliwhirl wants to escape? Why? Also, I thought potions were spray-on medicines.

LENGTH

The lower limit for EASIEST-class Pokemon is 3000 characters. You're about a thousand characters short of that.

OVERALL

You're trying to do a lot with a little, and so you're missing out on a few things. Why is this Poliwag so powerful? Why a Magikarp, anyway? Who is this Trainer dude, and what makes him special? Since your Magikarp was pretty obviously shoehorned in (it doesn't even do anything!) for the EASIEST-class length requirement, it also sticks out like a sore thumb. This story could benefit from a little fleshing out.

FINAL

Spoiler

Capture denied. Sorry, your story doesn't meet the minimum length requirement.
On top of that, I think you should lose the Magikarp. Focus the story on the Poliwag, and go after it for capturing instead. As a SIMPLE-class, it's only another 3000 characters, and you've got enough holes in your story that you should be able to fill that quite nicely. It'll make it more interesting, too.
If your heart is set on a Magikarp, write a Magikarp-centric story, or at least make it actually do something in this one.

 

Target Pokémon: Magikarp
Length: 3732-easiest
Status: Needs Grading

Gazing down the road, gently caressing the head of his favourite Poliwag, Derrick McWilliams saw a sight to behold. A cloud of dust moving closer and closer, a ripple in the ground, a glint of silver and a low rumbling sound that echoed around the valley.

Worried he gazed on as the earth rumbled and churned and as slowly, a metallic spike rose out of the ground, and then another...A rending sound echoed through the valley, like metal scraping on metal met his ears followed by a large deafening bang.

A Steelix head popped out of the ground and then back in, followed by another. "Uh-oh", exclaimed Derrick as he started to sprint, the sound of tearing metal behind him, his Poliwag gearing up to fight. Derrick thought for a moment and realised that just that morning, he'd taught his Poliwag Surf. That was all he’d taught it though. Caught wild just the previous day, he hadn’t even had a chance to start to bond with it properly.

A solution seemed to present itself to him but it would still be a tough battle, two Steelix facing him down. "Do it, Poliwag and Magikarp", he screamed as he threw his pokeballs. Two steel type Pokémon against two water Pokémon, this could be fun.

One Steelix was a silver colour, normal for his species, the other glimmered a bright gold. Derrick had never seen such a beautiful Pokémon before, nor one of such an unusual colour. The gold Steelix seemed to have sustained a fair amount of damage in his battle with the silver Steelix. Confronted with two hostile Pokémon, the Steelix stopped attacking each other and attacked Derrick.

Poliwag used water gun on the gold Steelix doing considerable damage, almost enough to knock it out. Both Steelix attacked hard and fast with Thunder Fang against his Magikarp, the electricity looking like a thing of legend as it sparked on the gold surface of the shiny Steelix’s fangs...."No" exclaimed Derrick as his Magikarp fainted, "I knew this would happen."


After reviving his Magikarp and sending it back into battle, he yelled, "Poliwag, hit them hard with Surf." A wall of water seemed to rise out of the ground and go streaming towards to two Steelix hitting them hard and even causing some flash rust to appear on the first Steelix which promptly fainted. The other however remained almost unharmed and it was angry, very angry. Thunder Fang was the next attack, electricity crackling down the fangs, the Steelix tried to bite Poliwag, missing by inches. That was a close call, too close.


Poliwag was now in a bad state, this might not end well. "Give Hydro Pump a shot.” Water started to come swirling out of Poliwags’ belly, at first it was just a trickle, then it got harder and faster till it went flying past the Steelix at insanely high speed. It had been just wide of the mark and that could have spelt trouble for Derrick a few minutes later. “Magikarp, you could make the difference between winning and losing this, use tackle.” That won’t do much but it could be enough Derrick thought

Luckily the Steelix next attack failed to do anything it all giving Derrick another shot with Hydro Pump...This time the jet of water caught the Steelix square in the jaw knocking in backwards almost causing it to faint. It was a critical hit to behold and made Derrick very proud. The Steelix then bit down hard on Poliwag, injecting pure electricity into its veins knocking it out. Feeling despair, Derrick ordered Magikarp to tackle the Steelix and to his amazement, and almost useless move from an almost useless Pokémon put the Steelix flat on its back.


This would be a tale to tell his mates in town, that was for sure. Derrick McWilliams, and ordinary trainer from a small town had taken down two Steelix with a Poliwag and a Magikarp.


Authors note: (not part of story or character count but explains the reasoning behind writing etc)

So I'm not the best author, I never enjoyed writing stories as a kid and always wrote the shortest ones I could. I suppose that is reflected in my choice of writing for such an easy pokémon. Yet Magikarp evolve into Gyarados and Gyarados can only be described as powerful. Yes, the story could equally be for a Poliwag with a little extra work but at the end of the day, you get what is in my opinion, a better pokémon with a Magikarp. In the story Derricks' Poliwag knows some moves that it is unlikely it would know but he had cought it that day and one of my Poliwag in Soul Silver knew Hydro-pump when i caught it so whilst unlikely, it isn't beyond the realms of possibility.
My edit has brought a larger role to Magikarp, it has in fact, given Magikarp the decisive role.
I probably would have churned this edit out much faster under normal circumstance, probably within an hour or two of grading as I saw the thread in "new posts" just after it had been graded but i haven't had a word processor until this afternoon.

 

REGRADE!

This story is majorly improved! We have more of an explanation of why this is happening: feuding Steelix, a new Poliwag, etc.
We also have some improvements to grammar and a much longer battle. An actually interesting one too, with Magikarp playing the role of the plucky underdog.

I liked it.

Spoiler

Yep! Magikarp captured. Go on to greater things!

 

thank you muchly, thats two story's successfully graded in less than 5 mins