Star-Zilla and the Star-Hunters[READY FOR GRADING]

Star-Zilla and the Star-Hunters​

Five days. The long, miserable trip on by ship had ended. He had been crammed in a tiny room with one window for five days and he finally got a breath of fresh air. This man, in his twenties stepped off the ship, stretching after the long voyage. He had come all the way from the Johto region, which was a long journey by ship.
Chad stood at exactly six feet, seven inches tall, with wide shoulders, and long skinny arms and legs. He wasn’t very muscular, he instead had more the build of a runner. He had bright blue eyes, and short, crimson hair. He had a chinstrap beard that stretched from one ear to the other. His nose jutted out from between his eyes, and was sharply pointed at the tip. He had a very prominent chin, in a way that made him look almost comical. He was twenty-three years old, but looked older, at least 27. On his belt sat to old Poke balls. They were both a bit scratched up. Where there used to be the shiny, iconic red paint on top of the Poke balls, now resided a faded maroon color.

Since his youth, Chad had always been fascinated with nature and in particular, the ocean. As a child, he had always enjoyed going to the beach with his parents, back at home in Johto. The cool breeze, the salty air, the sand that felt soft like a silky cloth between his toes, each individual grain massaging the bottom of his feet. However, what really amazed him, was the wildlife. Water Pokémon, in his opinion, were the most beautiful Pokémon of all. How they gracefully cut through the water, as if they were gliding through the air, pushed by a swift gust of wind. They were the masters of his beautiful, pristine ocean. When he was old enough, he went to college and majored in Marine Biology. His friends all knew he would, the ocean had been his passion since his youth.

All of this was on Chad’s mind, during his taxi ride to the headquarters to the local Marine Biology center. He looked out the window and observed the bustling harbor city that lay out before him. He saw people walking every which way. A large man stood behind a wooden stall he had erected in the middle of the nearby square, calling out the passerby, trying to sell today’s catch. He had all kinds of fish, from tiny a crate of small, slimy Remoraid, to a few massive Magikarp he had hanging behind him. In all of Chad’s experience as a Marine Biologist, he had rarely seen such large specimen of Magikarp. He gazed in amazement at the fish stall.

Then, the taxi lurched to the right and the fish stall fell out of sight. Moments later, the taxi stopped.
“That’ll be two fifty-eight sir.” Said the cabbie cheerfully.

“Here you go, my good man.” Chad replied, handing the cabbie his money and thinking of how expensive it was for such a short ride. Chad removed his bags from the trunk, slamming it shut with a thunk. The taxi’s engine sputtered and then took off, leaving Chad in front of the Marine Biology center. It was a large building, square building that backed up right up to the ocean. The front had a set of massive, glass doors right in the middle, directly below a large sight that read, “SLATEPORT MARINE BIOLOGY CENTER”, in big maroon letters, with a happy, little Wailmer sitting on top of the, “T,” in Slateport shooting water out its blowhole. The entire building was covered in colorful murals of water Pokémon. On the right side of the doors, there was a Starmie, skimming across the water, leaving a straight line of waves in its wake. On the left, were a Luvdisc and a Piplup splashing around in a little pool of water, and looking like they were having just a lot of fun in general.

Chad walked up to the doors and pushed the square button with the handicapped sign on it. The doors opened up before him, revealing the inside of the building. It was a bright, aquamarine shade of blue, with bubbles drawn on the walls. There were exhibits set up for visitors to inform them of the local wildlife. There was even a children’s section filled with colorful books of aquatic Pokémon and facts about them. However, Chad wasn’t here to look around, he had a purpose for being here. He walked up to the front desk. The woman sitting there looked up from her computer. She was younger than Chad, probably about eighteen. She had long, black hair with large, green eyes. Her nametag read, “ Molly”.

“I’m looking for Professor Chaikofschwitz?” Chad inquired, a little cautiously.

“Ummmm…”, Molly thought. She scratched her head with her left index finger. Then, she bolted upright and snapped her fingers. “I remember now! He’s out back in tending to the raising pools we have here. Just go straight down that hallway and out the door.” She pointed to a hallway that was fairly dark compared to the bright interior of the rest of the building. Chad thanked her and proceeded down the long hallway that had been pointed out to him.

When Chad reached the door, he pushed it open and instantly, light rushed into the hallway. What he saw when he emerged from the building was a beautiful sight. Many scientists in white-lab coats surrounded a relatively large, secluded pool of water, blocked off from the ocean by a wall of rock that rose about five feet above the ocean. In the pools, were many different species of small water Pokémon, from Corphish to Surskit, swimming and splashing around in the pools. A older man, roughly Chad’s height, approached him.

“ What’s your business here young man?” asked the man in an annoyed tone. The man was glaring angrily at Chad, and just had that look about him that makes it easy to identify a grumpy old person. His face was pinched and wrinkled. His head was mostly bald, except for some old grey tufts of hair on the back of his head that shot straight outwards. He was very muscular for an old man. He had no signs of any liverspots or any other typical things that would indicate he was old.

Chad turned away from the pool he’d been looking at and answered the man, “ I’m looking for Professor Chaikofschwitz?” The man raised his left eyebrow and lowered his right.

“Right this way,” the old man said after a long pause. He then grunted and lead Chad down the right side of the reserve.

They reached the end of the reserve area, where there was a large fence to prevent anything from going in or out of the reserve. The older gentleman walked up to a short old man and whispered in his ear.The short man had a long grey beard that reached to his waist. He had wrinkles across his forehead and had began wrinkling a bit on his cheeks. He had a pair of small, circular bifocals resting on his little nose, sitting in front of his squinty little eyes. Chad gazed at the pool the little man had been observing. A little pink and white Pokémon poked out from behind a rock, staring right at Chad. It was a Corsola! Chad had never seen one up close before. Chad approached it slowly, but it quickly turned away and jumped back into the pool.

“ Wahahaha! A shy little fellow isn’t he?” The short man stuck his hand out to Chad. He grabbed it and shook the man’s hand. “I’m Professor Chaikofschwitz, what can I do for you young man?”

Chad was surprised, he’d always read about the professor as an exalted, brilliant man. He always pictured him much taller. “ I’m Chad, I’m here to assist with the Staryu breeding project.”

The project Chad spoke of, was an operation carried out by the center every year, headed up by the head professor of the center. What happened, was that every year, Staryu would come in great numbers to the shores of Slateport to breed. Now, as you all know, Staryu reproduce by budding, but for some reason, it was just part of their natural cycle. They always returned to Slateport’s beaches birth their children. The problem, however, was that it made them very vulnerable to poachers in search of the gems that sit embedded in the center of each Staryu. These gems were a much coveted item and could only be found on the black market. The sale of such objects wasn’t illegal in itself(Staryu weren’t protected by law until about twenty years ago) but selling the gems in mass quantities aroused suspicion from the authorities. It was the responsibility of the volunteers to help to protect these Pokémon from poachers. Chad had wanted to help since he was young and first overheard a reporter speaking about it on the news.

“Well, we’re glad to have you boy!” exclaimed the professor,” We’re a bit short on hands this year, since my dear friend Professor Winklesniff who usually leads this project passed on a few months ago,” the professor sighed,” we can use all the help we can get. For now, we need to get you situated here. You can stay at the center for the duration of the project with the other volunteers. Bosco here (the older gentleman who had introduced Chad to the professor) can show you to your quarters. There will be a meeting in the main auditorium in the center at seven this afternoon where we will brief you and the other volunteers. You should probably get some rest. It’s gonna be a long night.”

After Chad was led to his bunk by Bosco, he plopped down on his bed but tried to sleep, but he just couldn’t. After about five minutes, Chad looked nervously at the clock directly positioned across the thirteen by fifteen (a rough estimate) room. The clock read ,”2:07 PM.” Chad sighed in disappointment. He was very excited to start this operation. He’d never before worked hands on with Pokémon in the wild before. He’d only sat back and observed from a distance. He would finally get to cooperate with a real, free Pokémon of the deep. Not only that, but it would look damn good on his resume. Chad lied on his bed, imagining the experience and the career opportunities that would come from this operation. He might be shipped across the world to work on special projects, possibly doing work that would change the world as he knew it.

About four and a half hours later, Chad awoke and walked over to the main auditorium, located in the very heart of the building. By now, the center was closed, so no people were wandering around, looking at the exhibits. After wandering around the massive building for a while, Chad finally found his way into the auditorium, just in time for the meeting to begin. When he walked in, he realized that there were at least 30 volunteers already sitting in the auditorium. There was a projector set up that was supposed to be used for a slideshow to aid in the presentation. The professor began by explaining how it was important for them to protect the Staryu population. Then he explained exactly what they would do. The Staryu only come out at night, so they would go out tonight and put a band with a GPS tracking device on about two-hundred of the Staryu. Then they would each take turns patrolling the beach around the area where the Staryu were in groups of five. The GPS trackers were for the people remaining at the center to detect and unusual movement in the Staryu. If any suspicious activity was seen on the site, those patrolling the beach were to immediately contact the center via walkie talkie. As the professor was explaining all of this, he had pictures on the slideshow that he was showing. There were many of the professor himself, with another important looking man. Every picture they were in, they seemed to be laughing and smiling.

“ This must be Professor WinkleSniff,” thought Chad, “It must be hard for Professor Chaikofschwitz to do operate this without his dear friend this year.” Chad felt really bad for the professor. It motivated him even more to want to do his best to protect these Pokémon. For his own dreams and aspirations, as well as Professor Chaikofschwitz and his deceased friend.

Fifteen minutes later, they arrived at the beach. Chad stretched his arms when he got out of the truck he rode in on the way there. Then Chad smelled it. The familiar salty smell of the ocean. He heard the familiar soothing sound of the waves crashing against the sandy beaches. He felt the silky sand between his toes. Then, he was interrupted by Bosco pushing him aside, almost sending him reeling into one of the trucks.

“ Wake up kid, we got work to do!” he snarled at Chad. Chad didn’t understand why Bosco was so rough with him, he was only stretching and enjoying the breeze for a moment. He was about to say something when he heard the professor begin to speak.

“ Alright people! We need to find these Staryu ASAP! Everybody grab a flashlight from the back of that truck,” he pointed to the one Chad just exited,” and start looking. Once you’ve found a large group, signal me by waving your flashlight in the air. We’ll bring a truck over with the trackers!” Chad grabbed a flashlight and started walking off down the beach

About thirty minutes into the search, he saw a light barely touching the sky, wavering off to the left of the direction he was heading. He arrived on the spot just as the truck was approaching. He looked into the darkness and couldn’t see anything(he had turned off his own flashlight so it wouldn’t make it more difficult for him to find the person waving the other one). Just as he was about to flick is on, the trucks headlights illuminated the area he was at. He suddenly saw what appeared to be an ocean of red glowing lights, illuminating the beach and bathing it in a cool, red color. Chad had never seen anything like it, not even in his dreams. That’s because it was even better than he imagined. He looked near his foot and saw a tiny little Staryu right next to his foot. Had he been two inches more to the right, he could have stepped on it! He reached his hand down and picked it up. It stuck to his hand, like a suction cup. Finally, he peeled it off his hand, placed it back on the ground, and went to grab trackers to place on the Staryu.

After about thirty minutes of attaching the tracking bands, Chad heard a scream. He rushed in the direction he heard it. What he saw he could barely believe. It was an enormous Staryu, which had just knocked a frightened volunteer with a tracker in hand to the ground and was slowly approaching him. Chad reached for the first of the two Poke balls on his belt. He tossed it toward the frightened volunteer. A loud noise erupted from the Poke ball, that sounded like a large amount of air pressure was just released. The Pokémon that was released from the Poke ball kicked up lots of sand upon landing on the beach, making it impossible to see what had happened. When the sand cleared, the volunteer who had been knocked to the ground looked up to see a large, blue Pokémon standing over him, holding back the large, advancing Pokémon. The volunteer screamed and scrambled up off the ground and took off towards the truck. The Pokémon that had appeared out of the Poke ball stood roughly five feet tall, had a large blue fin sticking out of its back and down past its legs. It had two more smaller fins sitting atop its head. It had bright orange bumps on its arms and legs, with big, wide fingers pressed against the two middle arms of the Staryu. Its face, which was placed right in front of the gem of the Staryu, had two sets of protruding orange antennae sticking out of its cheeks. It was the Mud fish Pokémon, Swampert! Swampert dug its feet into the sand for better footing and began pushing the monstrous Staryu backwards.
“Tranquilizer!” Chad heard someone shout.

Chad orded Swampert,“Knock Staryu to the ground and pin it Swampy!” The large Pokémon nodded, and instantly moved its left foot around the other side of the star shaped Pokémon’s right leg and kicked it out from underneath the rest of its body. The Staryu fell with a, “THUD”, and Swampert quickly stood on its feet and placed its hands on what were assumed to be the Staryu’s arms, effectively holding it in place. A man arrived with a syringe and poked the Staryu with it. The Staryu started wriggling violently, but Swampert didn’t let up. The man squeezed the syringe and the Staryu’s movements became slower and weaker until it fell completely unconscious. The man then produced a tracker band from his pocket, placed it around the giant arm of the Staryu, and wiped the sweat from his brow. It was now that the creature was still that Chad got a good look at this monstrosity. It was at least four and a half feet from top to bottom. It had a scratch across its gem that went from right to left horizontally. This Pokémon had seen some kind of combat, most likely trying to protect its school from predators, such as Sharpedo. It was truly a magnificent creature to behold. At this moment, the professor walked over to take a look at it.

“PHEW! That’s a big-un right there! They don’t make Staryu like this anymore, no sir!” He chuckled, “ Good job subduing this one kid, woulda been a real hassle without ya.” He patted Chad on the back then turned to the rest of the group, whom Chad now noticed had watched the entire spectacle. “ Alright boys, back to work, still got a few Staryu left to be tagged! Lets MOVE!” Chad walked over to the Swampert and called him back into his Poke ball. Then he continued to place trackers on the other Staryu.

“Alright guys! Now that we have finished tagging every one of those Staryu, now the real action starts. Keith, Chad, Bill, Frank, and Moose. You guys are on the first watch. Remember: If you see ANYTHING suspicious, contact use IMMEDIATELY! We don’t want any casualties! The rest of you, head back to the center and get some shut eye. I’ll notify you when its your turn to go on patrol!” Then they all left in their trucks, leaving only one truck, Chad, and the others on the beach. They all headed their separate ways and began watching for the Staryu.

Chad had been walking around for what felt like hours. The Staryu seemed fine, they were all sound asleep on the beach. Chad bent down to take a closer look at one Staryu he saw wriggling around in the sand. It was so small and delicate, he just wanted to to reach down and pick it up… then he heard a noise. It sounded like someone stumbling in the sand. It came from his right, so he reached for his flashlight and walkie talkie. As each of his hands grasped them, he suddenly felt a sharp pain against the back of his head that resonated with a, “WHUMP”. It felt like someone had cut a hole open in his heah, and tossed a beehive inside. Chad lost consciousness.

Chad felt groggy, he had a headache that stretched across the middle of his head in a straight line, and his vision was slightly blurred. When he fully regained his senses, he found himself on the floor of an unknown room. He found that his arms were tightly bound and he couldn’t find his Poke balls. He scanned the room. It was small and by the contents appeared to be a small broom closet of sorts. He realized there were five other people in the room with him. Four he recognized as the other four people on his patrol, all neatly bound and unconscious, just like himself. The fifth man was paying little attention and was propped up against the left wall of the room, on the adjacent wall. Then, Chad spotted his Poke balls, sitting on a shelf not four feet away. He tried slowly wriggling himself toward them, when the door to the room flew open, hitting the fifth man in the face. Chad looked up, happy to see a familiar face.

“Professor Chaikofschwitz! There you are! I’m so glad to see you!” Chad exclaimed, “What happened? Where am I? How did I get here? More importantly, are the Pokémon ok?” The professor started walking in his direction. He walked right up to where Chad was laying. He looked down at him… and begun to laugh. He then kicked Chad in the stomach. Chad reeled back in pain and confusion, wondering what was going on. The professor laughed again.

“ Oh, don’t worry my boy, the Pokémon are just fine, they’re under my care!”, he cackled, “ Soon, they’ll be made to make my fortune as well!” The professor continued laughing and began pacing near the farther side of the room near the door.

“ I- I don’t understand,” stammered Chad,” What are you talking about?” The professor walked over to Chad, bent down, and looked Chad face to face.

“ Don’t tell me you don’t know the value of these Pokémon? They’re worth a king’s ransom! With all the money I can make from these Pokémon, I’ll have enough money to retire VERY comfortably in some remote country far away from here! Finally, my plan that I have dedicated that last ten years of my life to is complete! I’ll admit, it was tiresome acting a fool for this last decade, but it was well worth it. It’s a pity WinkleSnuff couldn’t join us in this moment, he so enjoyed surprises. Although, I’m sure that knife I put in his back was surprise enough for him…” the old man cackled and walked out of the room, leaving Chad, the unconscious men, and the guard all alone. The guard walked over to Chad and laughed.

“Get ready, worm! I’m bored and you’re my new play thing!” shrieked the guard. He then reared his foot back, preparing for a mighty kick. Chad closed his eyes and braced for impact. Then he heard a shriek from above that was quickly muffled. After a few moments of muffled screams, Chad heard a, “CRUNCH”, and then he heard an object hit the floor. He opened his eyes and saw a masked man in a wetsuit hanging by his feet from the air duct directly above where the guard had been standing. He looked to his right to see the guard lying limp on the ground, absolutely motionless. Chad realized he had his neck broken and was dead. Chad started feeling dizzy. The entire room was spinning. He saw the masked man drop out of the vent and remove his mask. Chad couldn’t make out a face though and he vomited and fell unconscious.

What seemed like moments later, Chad awoke on the floor, a few feet from his own vomit. He found that he was untied and there was a man crouching on the other side of the room untying the other volunteers. Chad suddenly scrambled to his feet and ran at the man. The man, without even looking in his direction, grabbed some of the rope he had cut off one of the other men, and lassoed Chads feet and pulled him down to the ground. Chad fell with a loud, “THUD”, on the ground. Then he heard a familiar voice.

“Cut it out boy! I’ve got work to do, just stay down there.” Said the man. The voice… it belonged to Bosco! But what was he doing here? Was he also working with the professor? No, if he was then what was he doing breaking the neck of one of his own men? There must be another reason.

“What are you doing here Bosco!” he asked threateningly, although he was really in no position to, being bound by the legs and lying on the floor. He heard a sigh from Bosco’s direction.

“I’m a Special Ops agent sent here by the government,” answered Bosco,”They always send one of us boys down here to look over this project. I found it fishy when the professor didn’t switch patrols within an hour or two, so I went to look for him. The tracking system was turned off and he was nowhere to be found. I hurried down to the beach and found him and his boys here loading the Staryu onto this boat we’re on. I snuck aboard and went looking for you guys. The professor is a bad man, boy. Its my duty to stop ‘em. While you and you’re Pokémon are here, you might as well help.” He untied the rope around Chad’s legs and tossed him his Poke balls. He finished untying the other men and then left them lying in a corner. “ Alright, I’m going after the professor, he needs to be brought to justice. Right now, we are docked on an island forty miles south of Slateport. I wasn’t able to notify the Coast Guard of this ships location for danger of being found out. I’m gonna go hunt down the professor and find somewhere I can send a signal out to the Coast Guard. I need you, to go down into the ships cargo hold and free the Pokémon. When I checked it out earlier, there didn’t seem to be many guards. With you and your Pokémon, I’m sure you can handle it. The entrance to the hold is right down the hall to the left and down the stairs. I’m counting on you boy.” With that, he jumped back up into the air duct and left. Chad sat puzzled on the floor.

“How did I get mixed up in this?” He wondered. Then he realized there was no time to think, he had to go free the Staryu! So he leaped up, grabbed his Poke Balls, and rushed to the stairs.

When he reached the stairs, Chad released his Pokémon from their Poke balls, producing large flashes of white light and the familiar sound of the air pressure release. Swampert emerged from its Poke ball and standing at its side was a small, brown otter-like Pokémon. It stood on its hind legs, looking curiously at its trainer, using its wide, flat tail for balance. Its red nose twitched and it whistled softly through its two buck teeth. “Alright Swampy, Bibarel,” whispered Chad to his companions,” we’ve got some important work to do. Swampert, I want you to take out the guards. Any Pokémon they should have shouldn’t be a problem for you. If you need help, just call for it. Bibarel, I want you and your teeth to help me open the cages the Pokémon are in, ok?” The Pokémon nodded, ”Alright then, let’s go!” They charged down the stairs, the guards we caught by surprise. Swampert ran up to the nearest two of them and tackled them to the ground. The rest of them, five in number, came running toward Swampert, releasing various Pokémon. One sent a Starly, another a Zubat. The the third and forth both sent Poochyenas. The last guard, who seemed to be in charge, sent a Raticate. Chad grinned, he knew it would be all too easy for Swampert to take them down. He and Bibarel ran to the nearest cage and pried the lock open with Bibarels teeth. The Staryu, freed, ran had nowhere to go, so they just sat in their cage. Chad paused. What was he supposed to do with these Pokémon at this moment? Chad glanced at Swampert, who had already smacked the Zubat and Starly out of the air, and had a Poochyena under its foot, whining. “Bibarel,” Chad ordered,” Go take over for Swampert for a minute. Swampert, can you punch a hole in the hull of this ship?”The hull of the ship was made of steel, however, Swampert’s wield incredible strength and Chad knew this. Swampert walked over to the spot Chad had pointed at. The Raticate gave chased, but Bibarel tackled it to the ground and bit at it. Then it got off and pushed it back towards the Poochyena that could still fight. Swampert stomped on the bottom of the ship. It didn’t have much of an effect. So Swampert began breathing slowly. It slowly raised its fist into the air and slammed it down at an incredible speed. It created a small hole in the bottom of the ship. “Now Swampert, tear it open so the Staryu can fit through!” Chad exclaimed. Swampert reached its hands down into the hole and grunted. After a lot of tugging, it was able to widen the hole enough to fit at least three Staryu through at a time. By now, Bibarel had finished the Poochyena and was staring down the Raticate. Chad called Bibarel back to help him open cages and Swampert came barreling at Raticate. With a split second left, Raticate dove to the side, sending Swampert sprawling into a pile of barrels, breaking them and spilling out their contents. Gunpowder covered the floor. The guard who was in charge grinned.

“Raticate,” the guard barked, “use Thunder on that Swampert!” Raticate did a slow, odd dancing movement and then screeched. A large pillar of lightning, hit Swampert. The electricity wasn’t the issue however. It ignited the gunpowder Swampert was lying in, causing an explosion. The guard and his Pokémon cackled at this. Chad turned in the direction of the explosion.

“NO, SWAMPY!” he yelled, as if someone had just killed his mother infront of his eyes. He ran towards the fire and left Bibarel to open the cage. He was halfway there, when a burning piece of barrel went flying out of the fire and a roar echoed through the ship. Swampert wasn’t done yet. However Raticate had succeeded in doing one thing, and that was pissing off Swampert. Chad was relieved see his Pokémon standing. Swampert charged at Raticate and leapt in to the air. It landed on top of Raticate. Then it picked it up, swung it around and threw it into the steel walls of the ship. Raticate was down. Swampert turned to the guard and snarled at him. He screamed and ran for the stairs. Swampert then fell backwards onto the ground, it was exhausted. Chad called his Pokémon back, it needed some rest. By now, Bibarel had opened most of the cages, but another problem was mounting. First, the ship was sinking and Chad needed to get out as soon as possible. By now, the water was up to his knees. Second, the fire had spread too much and was burning dangerously close to the fuel tank. Chad, recognizing this, hurried to the last cage. Inside was the giant Staryu with the scratch on its gem. It had been tranquilized before, but was now fully aware of its surroundings. However, it was in a weakened state. Chad had Bibarel crush the lock with his teeth. However, the Staryu refused to leave. It wouldn’t listen to Chad, and it fired a powerful stream of water at the bar of the cage right next to his head. Chad jumped aside and fell on the ground. Bibarel move himself in front of Chad and growled angrily. Staryu intended to fight to the last. Suddenly, Staryu’s gem started glowing. Then all of Staryu was glowing a faint yellow. Staryu seemed to perk up. Chad had read about this. It was Staryu’s sort of “recovery.” It manipulated its glands to release a mass amount of adrenaline all at once to help it continue for a short period of time whenever it needed it. The side-effects could destroy Staryu itself if it wasn’t helped soon. Staryu leaped into the air and came at Bibarel like a flying buzzsaw, Bibarel dodged to the side, but its hand was hit by the spinning star, and it was hit with enough forced to send it rolling into the side of a cage. Bibarel hopped to its feet. It had a small cut where it had been it, but it ignored the pain. It dash, and tackled Staryu to the ground, although it was quite a bit larger than he. He started clawing at it, but Staryu fired a powerful stream of water at it. Bibarel fell of Staryu and backed away from it, giving it some space. Staryu started glowing again again. Chad saw his chance. “Bibarel, now! You’ve gotta hit him hard now!” Chad shrieked. Bibarel dashed forward and threw its body into Staryu’s core. Staryu was caught off guard and fell over. Bibarel, exhausted, lay beside it. Chad knew this would be his only chance to save it. He tossed a Poke ball at the monstrous Staryu. It made contact and enveloped Staryu in a blood red light. Staryu was sucking into the small contraption and before it hit the ground, Chad dove down onto it, holding it down as it shook wildly in his hands…

Pokemon to capture: Staryu
Required Length: 20-30k
Length: 30,734

My first story in years... go easy on me =P

 

Claimed for grading. This one will take a few days. It's long-ish.

 

And here we are.

INTRO
What impression did I get when I started reading this?

You set up a character in a bad situation. He goes somewhere from Johto by ship on a lousy ship. You then describe Chad, a rather gangly guy with beat-up Poke Balls.

We get the impression that this guy's down on his luck. Unfortunately, there are quite a few grammar errors as well, which tends to diminish the impact the introduction is supposed to have.

He's a bit of a romantic who loves the sea. Interesting! You then finish out the scene with him traveling to a marine biology center and looking at a fishmonger on the way, establishing that he really likes Water Pokemon as well.

You introduce the protagonist pretty well, although you kind of pile on the details in the description of his body- be more subtle there. We also have the story begin with Chad traveling to some place where he's going to work or do research or have a meeting or something. It's a good introduction. You just need to fix the grammar, especially the commas!

PLOT
Is it a good story?

An interesting plot. Chad joins a Staryu-tagging project and ends up meeting a huge Staryu. He then gets caught up in the program's founder's betrayal and fights to defeat some thugs, sink the ship, and get the Coast Guard.

It's nice and original. I liked that. You tried to make the Pokemon world grittier and darker, and I guess it worked okay. The Bosco-killing-someone scene was pretty effective.

You also had lots of action-movie-type fireworks. Sinking ships, gunpowder explosions, and massive Pokemon brawls. Fun stuff.

DIALOGUE
Do we understand what they're saying?

Dialogue is fine. You gave the older characters some fun accents.

The dialogue, however, fits better with Chad being much younger. He doesn't talk like he's 23 going on 27, for one thing. For another, why does everyone call him "boy" or "young man?" If he looks like he's 27, then he looks old enough to be married with children, right?

CHARACTERIZATION
Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?

CHAD
You try to give Chad a unique appearance among Pokemon trainers: tall, not that good-looking, in his mid-twenties. This is great. Unique characters are immediately compelling. His behavior, though, was still standard young-shonen-protagonist. Like, you know, the average character from the TV show. Make him act his age.

CHAIKOFSCHIWITZ
He's evil! The turnaround in his character was sudden, which only made it more effective. A plot twist well done.

BOSCO
He's old but acts like he's on the cast of Mission: Impossible. Fun. I'd have liked to see more of this guy.

GRAMMAR
Does you talk pretty?

Drop the comma and the "on."

Try "before" instead of "and."

Drop the comma. Alternatively, add one after "twenties."

You say "long voyage" and then "long journey" in the next sentence. Rewrite this area so that it's less redundant. Also, you need an extra line break at the end of the paragraph. Remember, double-space between paragraphs.

The second paragraph has some errors in comma usage. Actually, this continues for the rest of the story. In short, you have far too many. Don't just put them wherever you'd take a breath when you're speaking. Commas should be used: to separate clauses (sentence-like phrases), to set off appositives (phrases that describe a noun), and to separate items in a list. There might be other uses that I've forgorten. You can try looking this kind of stuff up if you want to. There's the ever-popular Elements of Style.
In any case, you need to overhaul your comma usage throughout the story. A good half of them probably aren't where they need to be.

Two typos: "to" -> "two" and "balls" -> "Balls." Also note that Poke Balls don't really sit. Try maybe "rested" or "hung."

"Marine biology" should be capitalized only when in a name, such as "Marine Biology Center." In this case, "Center" should also be capitalized. The name of a major is generally lowercase: "to major in marine biology." Professions are also lowercase: "marine biologist."

Comma splice: when you join two independent sentences, you may not use a comma. Use a semicolon or period instead. Check for this throughout the story.

This should be "calling out to the passersby" unless he's challenging them to battles.

As this story is in past tense, this phrase may be better rendered as "that day's catch."

Typo: "tiny a" -> "a tiny."

Typo: "such large" -> "such a large."

A comma may be added after "eight."

Minor typo: remove the first "building."

Minor typo: "sight" -> "sign."

Drop both commas. This isn't dialogue, so the commas aren't necessary.

Place "Slateport" in quotes.

You might go for either of the more specific terms "Water-type Pokemon" or "aquatic/marine/ocean-going Pokemon."

Either drop the "just" or move it to before "having."

Consider "symbol" instead of "sign."

Simple typo: space before "Molly."

"Chaikofschwitz" is a strangely-spelled name. You seem to have taken a variant spelling of "Tchaikovsky," a very Russian name, and crossed it with a common German surname ending. That's kind of inconsistent.
"Chaikofskanov" or something might be more Russian-sounding.

Drop the "in."

You have "ocean" twice. Use "it" or "surface" for the second time.

No space before "What's."
Add a comma after "here."

The rest of that paragraph has a whole load of sentences starting with "he." Vary the sentence structure here so that it isn't obviously repetitive.

The usual spelling is "liver spots."

Be specific: "nature reserve" instead of "reserve area." Also, you didn't indicate that the pool was a nature preserve in previous paragraphs. This led to momentary confusion; you should make sure your story isn't confusing.

Simple typo: missing space after the period.

Comma after "fellow."

You seem to be changing the subject every sentence while using "him" heavily. You make sure we know whether "he" is Chad or the professor.

This parallel structure is too parallel. You can join the sentences, perhaps:
"he'd always read about the professor as an exalted, brilliant man... and much taller as well.

Comma splice. I commented on this one because it's in dialogue. Comma splices can show up in dialogue, but for the sake of neatness you should consider avoiding them.

The narrator isn't much of a character. Unless you want to turn him/her/it into a full character, you shouldn't include any speech-like patterns in the narration. Try "now, as everyone knew," or similar things.

What "it" is is ambiguous. I don't know if you mean the budding or the Slateport migration. Make it clearer.

Simple typo: missing "to."

Consider a hyphen between "much" and "coveted."

This isn't acceptable in detached narration. Try "twenty years before then" or "prior."

What volunteers? Drop the second "the" unless you've said what these volunteers are. (The Marine Biology Center employees?)

Comma before "boy." "Boy" is a name that is being called, so it has to be set off by commas in dialogue.

The rest of that paragraph needs adjustment. Remember the rules for writing dialogue:
-Quotes around spoken lines.
-General patterns:
-"Dialogue." (line break)
-Blah blah blah. "Dialogue," said X. Blah blah blah. (line break)
-"Dialogue," said X, "dialogue." (line break)
Remember also that you need double line breaks between paragraphs.

When you describe Bosco, you should drop out of dialogue with dashes instead of using parentheses:

Thirteen by fifteen what? Feet or meters? You shouldn't make assumptions about the nationalities of your readers. This is the Internet, after all.

That comma shouldn't be there; delete it entirely.

Major contradiction. Try to rewrite it either to acknowledge the contradiction or remove it.

Consider adding a hyphen.

"Chad lay."

Short numbers should be in word form: "thirty."

"Came."

Hyphens in numbers only come between the tens and one places and sometimes with fractions. Example: 4,562 1/2: "four thousand five hundred sixty-two-and-a-half."

Simple typo: "and" -> "any."
Try "from" instead of "in."

I recommend a hyphen.

You could add a hyphen here, too.

You need to get rid of those spaces between left quotes and the beginning of dialogue! This happens throughout this story.
Also, the good professor's name was previously rendered as "Winklesniff," with only one capital letter. Spell it consistently.

Try "oversee this operation."

"Motivated him even more" and "want to" serve the same function. Get rid of "want to."

This sentence is set up so that we're talking about dreams and aspirations. The characters mentioned should be possessive, just as with "his." You don't have to do "Chaikofschwitz's," but you do have to do "friend's."

Order's a bit choppy. I recommend moving the mention of the truck forward a little:

"All right" looks better than "alright." This occurs later on as well.

Later on in that paragraph, you should use dashes instead of commas to have the professor pointing at the truck. There is also a period missing from the last sentence of the paragraph.

The next paragraph has a parenthetical statement. Try to avoid those. They can make you look like you're copping out in terms of description. Perhaps you should mention him turning off his flashlight at the start of the paragraph. Also, you forgot the space before the left parenthesis.

Simple typo: "is" -> "it."

Simple typo: "trucks" -> "truck's."

You shouldn't end a sentence with words like "at." Try "the area he was searching."

Red is not generally a cool color. Try another description.

This should be in past tense, but it's also not suitable for narration. Try instead: "...not even in his dreams. He had dreamed of Staryu, but never of them doing anything so amazing as this."

Avoid exclamation marks in narration. Also, you can use "would" instead of "could."

Not very much happened, story-wise, after he picked up the baby Staryu. You need to add more events to justify the use of "finally" or take it out.

Awkward construction. Try: "He rushed in the direction from which he'd heard it."

Flip it: He could barely believe what he saw.

You need to shorten this clause to use it effectively in this sentence: "a frightened tracker-carrying volunteer."

A more effective phrase would be "making it impossible to identify it."

You shouldn't reuse "large" like that.

In the rest of this paragraph, you describe the Swampert with lots of sentences starting with "it." Consider carefully how much detail you actually need to paint the picture of this Pokemon in our minds, and vary up your sentence structures as well.

Add a hyphen.

Get rid of the commas, quotation marks, and capitalization. Unless you're going for the special onomatopoeia, you should just treat it as just another word. This applies to the other sound effects in this story as well.

You used "now" twice. Get rid of the second one.

Simple typo: "use" -> "us."
Also, you can use bold or italic tags to denote shouting instead of capital letters. These can be manually inserted in your story in your text editor of choice (MS Word, I'll bet) using square brackets:
[ i ] Not italicized [ / i ] (get rid of the spaces) -> Italicized!

This is more often rendered with a hyphen or as a single word.

Simple typo: "its" -> "it's."

"Others" needs to refer to Keith, Bill, Frank, and Moose. Make this clearer.

"resonate" and "whump" don't go together. Try something buzzier or with a hum. More beehive-ey.

Simple typo: "heah" -> "head."

This word has two more common forms: "OK" and "okay."

Simple typo: "laying" -> "lying."

Comma before "my boy." This is a name being called.

Simple typo: "that" -> "the."
You can't end clauses with "to." Rewrite: "to which I have dedicated the last ten years of my life."

Single word or hyphen.

That first "and" shouldn't be there. Add a comma after "feet." This makes the sentence into a list of actions taken by the man in the wetsuit.

You need a comma before "boy," since it's a name being called.

You need a comma before "Bosco."
You also need to replace that "!" with a "?" or maybe a "?!". It's a question, after all.

You're missing a space. Also, try this:
"...the government," Bosco answered. "They always..."

The Staryu-tagging is an annual operation. Write the sentence like this instead:
"They send one of us boys here every year to keep an eye on this project."

Minor typo: "its" -> "it's."
Also, 'em should probably be 'im since he's talking about the professor.

Simple typo: "you're" -> "your."

Simple typo: "ships" -> "ship's."

Same thing.

This entire thing is one sentence. Don't capitalize "he."

"The familiar sound of releasing air pressure" is smoother.

Bibarel is more of a beaver. In fact, the Pokedex describes it as "the Beaver Pokemon." I think the otter-like Pokemon are Buizel, Floatzel, and that new Water-type starter.

This sentence is a comma splice.
Also, "we" -> "were."

"Then" probably shouldn't be used if the four guards are acting at the same time. You should just begin the sentence with "the."
"Forth" -> "fourth."

Pokemon plurals are generally the same as the singular: "one Poochyena, two Poochyena, red Poochyena, blue Poochyena."

You forgot an apostrophe there.

Get rid of "ran." I think you left it in there by mistake after rewriting the sentence.

Get rid of this phrase. It's kind of awkward.

Two problems:
Plurals don't use apostrophe+s unless you're talking about plurals of letters or words as seen on signs, etc.
Also, as I said, Pokemon plurals are the same as the singular.

Simple typo: "chased" -> "chase."

"Connecting words" like "and," "so," "for," and "because" should not be used to start sentences. Connect these two sentences with a comma. It's not a comma splice because of the connecting word.

Try "finished off."

Simple typo: "infront" -> "in front."

Simple typo: "in to" -> "into."

Switch the order: "Bibarel had opened most of the cages by now."

"Mounting" is usually used with plural nouns, I think.

Was he hit by the water? Otherwise, you should probably say he tripped or something.

Simple typo: "move" -> "moved."

I don't know if this sentence warrants an "itself."
I'd have just said "its body."

Multiple errors. "Enough forced" should be "enough force." The commas are messed up again, too. Here's a rewritten version:
"Staryu leaped into the air and came spinning at Bibarel like a buzzsaw. Bibarel dodged to the side, but its paw was hit by the spinning star with enough force to send it rolling into the side of a cage."

Simple typo: "it" -> "hit."

Drop the comma, and "dash" -> "dashed at."

It would be "him," but throughout this story you've referred to all Pokemon in the neuter. Therefore, use "it" instead of "him." See also "he" in the next sentence.

You can see the problem with this sentence sentence.

"Staryu was sucked."

Okay, so the most obvious problems with this story are:

Misuse of commas. You really need to pay attention to this part. There are far many more than there need to be. You also need to review how commas work in dialogue.

Repetitive sentence structure. Many of your sentences begin with the same word one after the other. You need to vary your sentence structures; don't just do the same old "subject verbed the object!" thing. This especially comes to the fore when you're describing a character or Pokemon on their first appearance. You don't have to pile on all the details at once; it's often more effective when various character traits get mentioned when the character does something or is talked to.

DETAIL
Can we see what you're saying?

Chad loves the sea. You should describe it better. The scene where he sees the reserve should have more mention of the sea beyond the wall. When they first arrive at the beach, you should also probably say something about the sunset and how it looks. It's a perfect opportunity to add more detail.

When Swampy knocks down Staryu, you mention it having legs. Staryu doesn't really have legs, but you didn't mention it was metaphorical. You probably should have said that two of its points were resting in the sand and acted like legs or something.

How do you tranquilize something as alien as a Staryu? Do you inject one of its rays? The central gem? In the back? That should have been mentioned.

You have the guard "shrieking" his dialogue. Shrieking should only happen when you're scared, in pain, have a high-pitched voice, or are totally insane. Assign some of these attributes to the guard or use another word than "shrieked."
You then have Chad himself shrieking later. From his physical description, he doesn't seem to be the sort to shriek.

How would Chad realize that someone's neck was broken? The most common method is to say that the neck is bent at an unnatural angle. Unless Chad sees broken necks on a regular basis, you should include this detail.

You give only the most generic description of the titanic five-way battle between Chad and the guards. For a URPG story, this isn't the best idea. Most people are here for the fights, you know? You should at least have the moves be identifiable.

Did he name his Swampert "Swampy" or not? The Bibarel, at least, seems to lack a nickname.

What are the guards doing during the battle?

PLAUSIBILITY
Does it make sense?

You didn't mention Chad going to sleep when he was waiting for the meeting at the auditorium. Since he wasn't able to fall asleep at first, having him suddenly wake up in the next paragraph is kind of a plot hole.

Digging a hole in the bottom of a ship while it's at sea is, to put it charitably, suicidal. People usually sabotage ships either when they have a clear escape route planned out so that they can run like the dickens or when they're not actually on the ship. The moment Swampert broke through the hull, he should have been washed away in a spray of water. Everyone else would have had to run, and the Thunder attack would probably have electrocuted everything in the room. Water pressure isn't something to joke about. Also, I imagine Bosco would be furious at Chad. He just risked everyone's lives and probably destroyed any evidence there might have been. Well, except for the Staryu themselves. And what are the Coast Guard going to find?

Also, Chad's Pokemon are quite powerful if they can shut down five enemy Trainers at once. There would have to be some indication in the story that this unassuming guy was that good a Trainer.

LENGTH
Is it long enough?

Single capture.
Staryu (HARD: 20,000-30,000)
Your total: 30,651.
No problem!

OVERALL
What did I think, personally?

A fun action-packed story that could use some better-described action.

FINAL
To catch, or not to catch?

Spoiler

Capture denied. Sorry. This story badly needs a proofreading runthrough. You also need to flesh out that battle at the end. Five on one? It has to be utterly spectacular! Also, bashing a hole in the ship is a suicidally bad idea and either needs to be treated as such in the story or changed. Make a few changes and Star-Zilla is yours.