Something to Protect

This is the first story I'm writing for the Pokémon URPG. This story takes place in the same continuity as the three stories by my good friend Magikchicken: Something to Prove, Something to Prevent, and [URL="http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/showthread.php?p=1840232]Nothing to Lose[/URL]. We are collaborating on this continuity, but writing for our respective characters ourselves. Remember! Poké-abuse is wrong!

Currently Requiring Grading: Nothing

-Something to Protect: Chapter 1-
-Intent to Capture: MAREEP-
-Difficulty Rating: SIMPLE (5k to 10k characters)-​

In a shady corner of Violet City sat a small office. It was no bigger than any of the houses around it, but inside a visitor wouldn't have found a regular house setting, but instead would have found a group of men and women in business attire, typing away at computers and working steadily on what they were hoping would be the next big hit in the video game industry... Except for one young man of about seventeen, who was fast asleep at his desk. His straight brown hair was a bit ruffled, and he was drooling a bit on his keyboard, snoring quietly with his tall figure slouched over his desk.

That is, until a large book was dropped right in front of him by a stout man of about forty, who didn't look very happy.

"Sakano! You're sleeping on the job again! Are you ungrateful for the internship I gave to you after you begged me for months?!" he shouted. Some of the nearby workers stopped what they were doing and turned around to watch as the much younger boy quickly sat up, looking startled.

"N-no, sir." He replied quickly, trying to sound apologetic. The stout man didn't look convinced.

"Hehe, Kuin's gonna get it now." a nearby worker whispered to the woman sitting next to him. She snickered.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" the stout man asked, looking straight into the younger man's green eyes. The intern hesitated and glanced nervously at his computer screen, which wasn't even turned on. The stout man noticed this.

"Kuin Sakano, you're fired! If you don't want to do work, do so somewhere else, not while I'm responsible for you!" the stout man shouted.

Kuin sighed, as if he wasn't surprised. He stood up, picked up his tan messenger bag and walked out of the building, ignoring the stares of his former colleagues.

---

Hours later, Kuin found himself sitting on a bench in the middle of town. A few people kept giving him odd looks, wondering why someone in a short-sleeve dress shirt and tie would be sitting around in town during working hours. He didn't notice, as he was watching a couple of kids outside of the Pokémon Center, talking about something going on in Sprout Tower, which was on the north side of town. Apparently a good bunch of trainers and Pokémon had been hurt there. Kuin eventually lost interest and looked up into the sky, wondering what he would do next. The whole reason he was in Violet City was because of the internship he managed to get from the owner of Game Insane, but it had barely taken a week for him to see how much he hated it.

Kuin snapped out of his thoughts when he heard an ear-piercing BANG off in the distance. He looked around for the source of the sound, but didn't see anything. Even stranger, there wasn't a single other person who seemed to notice the sound. Another loud BANG echoed through the town, and without hesitating, the young man stood up and ran off to the east.

By the time he reached the edge of town, he had already heard the sound another three times, and had a slight headache from it. He almost felt as though something was leading him to the noise, but he didn't pay it much attention; he just had to know what was going on. Kuin had barely left the city limits when the mysterious sound stopped entirely. The young man looked around, but found nothing but a wide open field surrounded by trees. The entire area was still, not a single person or Pokémon was in the area; the wind didn't even blow.

After a few moments of silence, he heard the sound again, this time much, much louder. Kuin covered his ears and winced at the ear-splitting BANG, and when he opened his eyes again there was someone standing in front of him. They were wearing a tattered brown cloak that covered their entire body.

"You are Kuin, are you not." the person asked in a monotone voice. Kuin nodded as he put a hand in his pocket, holding his cell phone defensively.

"If you call the police, they will not come. I have willed time to stop." the mysterious figure stated. The young man simply stared at the stranger in response. The two stayed silent for a moment.

"Who are you?" Kuin asked. The stranger merely shook its head in response.

"That does not matter. Kuin, you have been chosen. Stop the unnatural way, that is your mission." the stranger said, still in a monotone. It opened a flap of its cloak, and a bright light shone from within. Kuin closed his eyes, but could feel something happening; his body felt warm, his mind was tingling, and he could feel the phone in his hand vibrating, as if it were receiving a call.

When the light subsided, the young man opened his eyes and found that the stranger was gone, and the area was back to normal; he could hear a Hoothoot calling into the night. He took his cell phone out of his pocket, and found that it had changed into a gold colored Pokégear. A sort of radar was currently on the screen, and there was a bright red dot north of where Kuin currently was. Without thinking, he ran for it.

It didn't take him long to get very close to the spot on the radar, but it was quickly getting very dark out, making the forested area he was now in extremely hard to navigate. He nearly crashed into trees constantly, but he kept going until he was eventually right on top of the dot. It was then that he began hearing a weak cry.

"Vulpix, the Fox Pokémon. As it develops, its single white tail gains color and splits into six. It is quite warm and cuddly." His Pokégear suddenly said, the picture flipping from the radar to a picture of a small, red fox Pokémon. Next to the picture was a small meter, labeled condition; it didn't look very full.

"Vul... Vul..." a weak whine continued to echo through the dense forest. It wasn't a minute later that Kuin could hear something moving through leaves on the ground nearby. Upon further inspection, the young man saw a small, thin, red fox trying to drag itself through the forest.

"It'll be okay." he whispered, kneeling down next to the injured Pokémon, who cowered away from him.

This poor thing must have been abused by somebody. he thought, putting out a hand. The Vulpix continued to back away.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" A loud, rough voice echoed from a short distance away from Kuin. A man wearing black clothing and a red bandana was aiming a Pokéball at him.

"That Vulpix is mine, back away." he commanded. Kuin stood up and stepped over the Vulpix, as if to protect it.

"You're abusing your Pokémon, why should I do what you say?" the younger man replied, to the man in black's surprise.

"That's none of your business. Exploud, tell him to back away!" the trainer called, releasing a Pokémon from the Pokéball he was holding. A large, bluish-gray Pokémon with yellow tips on what appeared to be spouts covering its body appeared with a sharp sound.

"Exploud, the Loud Noise Pokémon. Exploud is able to incite Earthquakes with its powerful voice. Once it sucks in air through the holes all over its body, a loud attack is sure to follow." the Pokégear recited, a picture of the Pokémon appearing on the screen. Kuin put the Pokégear in his pocket and stepped back over the Vulpix, who looked terrified. After a moment, during which Kuin and the man in the bandana stared at each other tensely, he swooped the small fox into his arms and made a mad dash in the direction he came from.

"Exploud! Use Hyper Beam!" he could hear the trainer shout. A bright beam of energy passed by him; a miss. He kept running.

"Hyper Beam fires a powerful beam at the opponent. The user must rest after use to regain energy." his Pokégear chimed in from inside Kuin's pocket. The Vulpix in his arms made a weak cry, which only got him running faster.

"Hyper Beam!" the trainer shouted again. The beam missed Kuin yet again, to both his and the trainer's surprise.

"Exploud, you piece of shit!" he shouted. Kuin could hear the Pokémon give a grunt as the trainer hit it. The young man contemplated going back to help the Exploud, but knew that it would be fine. He smirked at the thought of the large Pokémon getting revenge on the evil trainer as he continued to run, dodging trees to the best of his ability.

Not very long later, Kuin saw the edge of the forest, but something was wrong; the other trainer hadn't fired another Hyper Beam since the second one -- he was clearly up to something. The young man stopped in his tracks a few yards from the edge of where the forest met the field he stood in earlier and took a look around. There wasn't any sign of the trainer and his Pokémon anywhere.

He wouldn't give up this easily. Kuin thought, looking down to the injured Vulpix for a second. She looked back at him and gave a weak cry.

"Hyper Voice, a move in which the user lets out a horribly echoing shout with the ability to cause damage. Some Pokémon, such as Exploud, are able to cause this move to echo on for miles." Kuin's Pokégear chimed in, seconds before an ear-shattering scream seemed to surround him. The young man fell to one knee and tried to shield the Vulpix with his arms as he was assaulted by visible blue sound waves.

"Mr. Mime, use Light Screen!" a female voice shouted over the attack. A wall of light surrounded Kuin on all sides, and the attack stopped hitting him.

"Mr. Mime, the Barrier Pokémon, its fingertips emit a peculiar force field that hardens air to create an actual wall." Kuin's Pokégear stated, still working after the vicious attack. The young man looked forward through the see-through wall of light and saw the other trainer and his Exploud standing not to far away from him.

"In the name of the law, stop what you are doing!" the same female voice shouted. The trainer looked startled.

"T-t-that guy is stealing my Vulpix!" he stuttered, pointing at Kuin. The Vulpix gave a weak cry.

"When a Pokémon has been captured in a Pokéball previously, they are automatically registered to the Trainer's Association database, which can be accessed by any law-enforcement officer." Kuin's Pokégear announced, loud enough for the other trainer to hear.

"Indeed. My name is Samantha Jenny, the commanding Officer of Violet City. Both of you, give me your trainer cards." The woman said from behind Kuin. The barrier around Kuin and the Vulpix disappeared as the woman behind him stepped in-between the trainers. She was a tall woman in a blue uniform with greenish-blue hair.

The other trainer grumbled and took an ID card out of his pocket and handed it to the woman, who scanned it with a dark-blue Pokégear.

"Mr. Adams, it says nowhere in your file that you own a Vulpix, were you in the middle of catching this Pokémon when this boy took it?" she replied after reading the results. The other trainer hesitated for a moment.

"Y-yeah, that's right. I was catching this Vulpix when he came out of nowhere and ran off with it." He said, glaring at Kuin, who stood up in response.

"That's a lie!" Kuin shouted, "I found this Vulpix dragging itself through the woods. It's very badly injured and looks like it hasn't eaten in days!"

The Vulpix gave a weak cry once Kuin finished. Samantha Jenny walked to Kuin and inspected the Vulpix with a nod.

"May I see your trainer card as well?" she asked. Kuin blushed.

"I-I-I don't have one." He muttered, looking down in embarrassment.

"You don't have a trainer card? What are you doing out here, then? It's very dangerous in the woods at night." she scolded, looking genuinely concerned.

"I was taking a walk through town and I heard a loud noise. Nobody else seemed to notice, so I came out here to check it out. When I left town, I started hearing something crying in the forest and ran in to find out where it was coming from," Kuin explained while Officer Jenny listened intently. "It was very reckless of me, in retrospect," he added as an afterthought.

"Mm hmm... What happened when you went into the forest?" she questioned, wanting to hear the whole story.

"I found this Vulpix crawling through the forest, looking really hurt. When I approached it, he," Kuin motioned to the other trainer, "came out of nowhere and told me that the Vulpix was his and threatened me with his Exploud. When I told him that the Pokémon looked abused, he had his Pokémon use Hyper Beam on me. You found me when he was using Hyper Voice." Kuin finished the story. The Officer looked very angry, with her arms crossed and a very evil look in her eyes.

"Mr. Adams! Is this true? You're coming with me to the Trainer's Association. You'd better hope they don't decide to take away your license!" Officer Jenny instructed. The other trainer began stepping back.

"Mr. Mime, use Disable!" she instructed. Kuin jumped as a human-like Pokémon in red and white attire, which he hadn't noticed before, stepped out from a short distance behind him. It let off an attack that created a shockwave of some sort, causing the criminal Trainer to freeze completely. The Exploud, still running, took a moment to notice before stopping and running back to its Trainer's side.

"Very good, Mr. Mime." the Officer said. The Pokémon nodded in response. Samantha Jenny turned to Kuin.

"Young man, what is your name?" she asked.

"Kuin Sakano."

"Alright, Kuin. I'd like you to go to the Pokémon Center in Violet City. It's on the main road, you can't miss it. I'm going to call the Nurse Joy in charge there and tell her you're coming. Please stay the night there and have her take care of the Vulpix. I'll come see you in the morning." she instructed.

"Yes, ma'am." Kuin replied with a nod. He looked down at the Vulpix, who had either passed out or fallen asleep in his arms, for a moment before leaving the forest and heading into town.

--

Kuin entered the Pokémon Center, a big red building near the entrance of Violet City from Route 31, not very long after. He was very tired from his long day, but didn't want to rest until he was sure the Vulpix was going to be okay. He passed through the automatic sliding glass doors, and entered into a lobby. On each side of him were chairs and benches, some of which were filled with trainers who were chatting or sleeping while waiting for their Pokémon to be okay. Farther into the lobby there were a few phones and a computer, and at the very end was a desk where a solitary woman with pink hair wearing a nurse's uniform was standing.

"Welcome to our Pokémon Center." the woman said in a very sweet-sounding voice, "We can heal your Poké-- Oh!" she gasped suddenly and rushed to Kuin, clearly noticing the very injured Vulpix in his arms. "You must be Kuin. Oh shoot, she's in a worse condition than I expected."

Exactly at that time, two pale pink egg-shaped Pokémon with strange frills on their heads wearing similar nurse's hats came out of a back room, one of which was carrying a Pokémon-size stretcher. The nurse gently lifted the fox from Kuin's arms and placed it on the stretcher. "Please show this young man to the room we prepared for him," she instructed the Pokémon who was not pushing the stretcher. It nodded and turned to Kuin as the nurse and other Pokémon rushed through the door they came from.

The egg-shaped Pokémon that remained gestured to the other door leading to the back of the building with a cheerful, "Chansey!" The young man found himself only able to stare at the Pokémon in confusion.

"Chansey, the egg Pokémon. It is a gentle and kind Pokémon which shares its nutritious eggs with people or Pokémon in need." Kuin's Pokégear spoke up from inside his pocket. The Chansey nodded in agreement with what the Pokédex had just said. Now that he got a better look at the Pokémon, he was able to see the egg it held on a pouch on its stomach. Kuin proceeded to follow it to a place where he could stay.

----

A few hours later, Kuin found himself staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. The Chansey had led him to a room with two bunk-beds and quickly hurried away, presumably to help the nurse with the injured Vulpix and other Pokémon. He found himself very surprised about how much he was worrying about the Pokémon. Just a day ago, he could have cared less about Pokémon, but here he was losing sleep over one.

Kuin sat up and climbed down the ladder to the floor and looked out the solitary window on the wall. The town was very, very still this late at night. "I think a walk will clear my head." he decided. With that, he left the Pokémon Center and headed off in no specific direction.

----

A moment later, he found himself staring at a sign labeled with 'Route 36' as he was yawning and rubbing his tired eyes. It was very similar to the area on the other side of town where he had met Vulpix earlier. There were trees all around, leaving just a few patches of open space. He found himself staring into the trees to his right for some reason, but he didn't think too much of it.

Just as he began to walk again, a single loud, heart-clenching wail filled his ears, and a group of some sort of bird-type Pokémon flew off from where they were resting for the night. Without thinking, Kuin ran into the trees he'd just been staring into. As he got further in, the trees became more dense, almost like a small forest.

The young man suddenly came to a stop and looked around, like his instincts were telling him something was nearby. It was when he looked down in front of him that he found a small burrow in the ground, containing a single egg. There was a light crack on the shell, and footprints all around it - perhaps from its mother? There were also very human-like footprints.

"No way. Did someone take this egg's mother away?" he speculated, fearing the worst. "Who would leave a poor baby all alone? It'd die right when it hatches."

As if responding to Kuin, the egg began to move a little bit in the burrow, rocking back and forth. More cracks began to appear on the egg, until suddenly it shone with a blinding light. When the light faded, there was a small sheep-like Pokémon standing on top of the egg, which was now broken into many pieces. It wasn't any bigger than two computer towers sitting beside each other. It greeted Kuin with a cheerful, "Meep!"

"Mareep, the Wool Pokémon. Mareep store static electricity in their wooly coats. They avoid battle and have mild dispositions." His Pokégear stated right on cue. Kuin hesitantly stretched his head out and pet the Mareep's head, and it awkwardly toddled forward on its new legs to nuzzle his hand in return. "I can't just leave you alone in this forest." the young man said, smiling to the baby Pokémon, which nudged his hand with its nose in return. "Would you like to come with me?" he asked, wondering if the Pokémon could understand.

Which it clearly could, judging by the fact he was suddenly tackled to the ground affectionately by the surprisingly strong baby Pokémon. "Meep! Meep!" it called, giving him a lick on the cheek. "Well, looks like it's decided. Let's head back to the city. There's someone I'd like you to meet, Meep," he said, gently lifting the sheep off of him before standing back up. Together, the ex-intern and baby Pokémon chased eachother back to Violet City, happier than they have ever been before.



Epilogue:
Meanwhile, the cloaked stranger watched as Kuin and his new friend ran out of the forest and back to town.
~Master, are you sure this is what you want? He knows very little.~
A quiet voice rang in his ears, and he nodded.
~Then I shall keep an eye on him. It has merely begun.~

-End of Chapter 1-​

Character Report:
Required Characters: 5,000 to 10,000
Used Chatacters (Story only, not intro/disclaimers/this report): 19334
Result: I think this deserves an OVERKILL!

Comments and Disclaimers:
*Wow, my first Pokémon fanfiction. I'm pretty excited. It only took me 3 months. >_>;
*Foreshadowing is fun.
*I actually chose an easy Pokémon for my first chapter as I'm really not that great at starting things off. Later chapters will be much longer.
*I also chose to show how Kuin got his Vulpix in this chapter (my starter), because it made more plot sense.
*I based the Pokémon center on the ones in the Anime.
*Actual cameos from the other three stories will begin in chapter 2.
*Ohohohohohoho. I totally stole Magik's formatting... again. 8D

 

Re: Something to Protect (Needs Grading)

Introduction:

Your introduction would have been better, I think, broken up into several paragraphs.

The second sentence is far too long; I would put the period where the second comma occurs. I would also change the first comma to a semicolon, and the ‘but inside’ to ‘however, inside’. The ‘but instead’ should then become ‘they instead’. Additionally, the ellipses would be a good break for another paragraph; it could then start ‘All except for’ to maintain the same cadence.

As to the actual substance, I definitely like it. Most of us in the fandom are at least aware of the difficulties facing a startup video-game company; we can easily imagine the hunched figures typing merrily, in various stages of pajamas and chin stubble. It may have given a clearer picture if you had done some more description of the actual office features, the stained coffee mugs at the desks, the overflowing blotters and scratch paper with countless doodles; but describing every location in this level of detail would mire down the story, and considering it’s more or less a throwaway location, it probably isn’t necessary.

Plot

There are a couple of rather interesting things going on; the man appearing out of nowhere in synch with the loud bangs which happen to be inaudible to everyone else is one. The lack of description helps add to the general curiosity of the reader; however, I think you could have done well adding small description to indicate that the main character also couldn’t see much.

For instance, you could talk about seeing a gloved hand momentarily in the space between the cloak flaps, or a hint of darker shadow under the hood that indicated sunken eye sockets. Small details can help drive home the lack of detail; just not giving details doesn’t have quite the same effect.

There are also a couple of unanswered plot holes that just sort of happen; for one, how did the poor Vulpix get in such a state if the Exploud and his trainer weren’t on the scene? I would describe the symptoms of a serious disease, or the remaining marks from the trap the poor thing had been caught in.

Another example would be the Mareep itself; after a single, loud, indeterminate wail (human? Pokémon? Machine?) he goes running off into the forest again and just happens to stumble on an unattended egg in the process of hatching.

This is really convenient, and stretches the story a bit in directions it doesn’t have that much wiggle room for. What happened to the egg’s mother? Undoubtedly, it wouldn’t have just abandoned it, so if it were captured in the middle of hatching the egg, I’d have signs of a struggle indicated. He also shows no concern about said mother, whether or not it was taken, whether or not it will return to find an empty nest where an hour before, it had held a child.

The storyline as a whole varies from the ‘trainer meets Pokémon in question while out walking’ theme, which is good; however, that storyline also has very little to do with the Pokémon in question, and he basically stumbles over that Pokémon after he’s pretty much finished everything else. You definitely want the target Pokémon to take a larger role in the story in the future.

I understand you also wanted to show the capture of your first Pokémon, or the acquisition; however, you probably should have at least brought the Mareep angle up prior to that, or during; perhaps during his wild flight, he startled a small flock of them who leapt away into the night, wool coats shedding coruscating electrical sparks.

Dialogue

The dialogue was good, overall. I really like that you varied your speaking actions; you have figures stating in a monotone, shouting attacks, commanding Pokémon, scolding foolish Trainers; the way someone says a thing really changes how it is interpreted by the listener. (And reader, for that matter.) The story, though it was longer than the target by a substantial margin, didn’t give us that much time to come to know our hero; I’m confident that in larger stories that you’ll maintain this level of cohesion and readability. I think it’s one of your strongest styles, so I would encourage you to bring it more to the fore in future stories. Top marks in this category.

Grammar

No egregious foibles in this category; a couple instances where re-ordering the sentence would have helped out quite a bit.

Would be more easily readable as:

There were also a couple instances of word selection that improve the general level of your story.

Transparent wall of light works better in this case; especially since you then follow it up with seeing again a couple words later. Also, it should have been too far, not to far.

Headed implies, to me, a specific direction or destination; in this case, I would probably use meandered or wandered instead to show the aimlessness.

Detail

The story was fairly good on this count. We can see how thick the forests are, we can visualize the various attacks, the locations aren’t static (a mistake I myself make on occasion, where nothing changes about them or happens at all). There’s always room for another adjective or two, especially for critical locations/characters/etc.

This also applies to actions, and again you did fairly well. When he runs, we can see him cradling the injured Pokémon safely against himself; we get the sense of the evil trainer’s frustration at the Pokémon who isn’t hitting with the attacks. The detail also lets us see the compassion of Nurse Joy, the dedication to duty from Officer Jenny, and the affection of the newly-hatched Mareep.

You know how to give us detail to visualize a location without bogging everything in the story down, so kudos.

Length

19,337 characters with spaces; target was 5-10, you doubled the length you needed. Good job. (Also, something I’ve started doing if I go far over the target window – throw in another Pokémon to try and catch. You could have tacked another Simple mon in very easily, here; possibly even a medium with a little rewriting.

Reality

I have no idea how the man could teleport, stop time, or make those loud sounds that only the main character could hear; if you threw a little more info on those, it’d make things easier to get a hang of. Also, a Pokémon-less youth running headlong into a forest with nary a thought to the danger is a little odd, especially chasing loud noises of indeterminate origin.

However, you also touched on some aspects of the setting that don’t come up often; for instance, video games are occasionally referred to in the games and the anime, so it would make sense for there to be a company who was making them. We also get to see inside their headquarters, or at least one of their facilities; it was definitely a nice touch.

Catching

You took an alternate interpretation of this in asking the newly-hatched Pokémon if it wanted to join you; I’ve done this myself on occasion. Instead of indicating its assent by tackling your main character, however, I would have the order reversed, so it tackles its new friend in joy, then he asks it to join him; that way it sidesteps the whole issue of declaring it caught before it is.

Final Result:

Spoiler

Mareep Captured. I will warn you, however, that it was close to borderline; your superb dialogue, extra length, and novelty of plot aspects carried this story. I’ll reiterate that you should have the Pokémon in question play a larger role in the story as a whole, instead of being tacked on at the end. The entire last section could have been stuck to pretty much any story, and there wasn’t much continuity between the two; the separation was jarring. Keep it in mind for future stories – I notice you stated you liked foreshadowing, so having it appear in cameos before its actual debut might be the way to go. Definitely looking forward to reading more stories from you, however. Enjoy your android dreams.