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Discussion in 'Stories' started by sec, May 10, 2010.

  1. sec

    sec New Member

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    ---------------------------
    Ready to be Graded!
    Target: Bronzor(Medium, Bronzor(Medium), Gligar(Medium)
    Length: 31,171
    Required Length: 30,000
    ---------------------------

    “Ha ha ha-ha ha! We’ve got your camera!”

    These were the words, chanted by the other children on the playground, which had completely horrified Adam that day just before he watched his precious picture-taking box fall deep within the dark, dank depths of the Wellspring Well.

    The children of the playground loved to tease Adam; who wouldn’t? He was the odd little kid that sat along the edge of the woods, taking pictures of the few bug Pokemon that he could find lurking along the edge of the border between the woods and Wellspring Village’s playground. The other kids would have battled and captured the Pokemon, and that’s what they usually did, but Adam was the only one who didn’t believe in capturing Pokemon in balls. He would rather harmlessly capture them with the blinding flash of his camera, permanently entrapping them within the paper sheet that would fall out of the slot underneath the lens. Fun for him and harmless for them, and it was this safe fun that had made photography the most important thing in Adam’s young life.

    The children, several boys and girls led by one slightly taller and more plump boy, were running straight towards the Well which brought water up from the miniature lake deep within the Wellspring Caverns, deep caves that were said to be haunted, and due to the legend were forbidden to be entered by any villagers. All of them chanting their teasing songs and screeching their high pitched laughs.

    Adam was hopelessly running after them, though the young, scrawny lad of only eight couldn’t possibly keep with the ten year old leader of the pack. He huffed, he wheezed, he cried out for them to return his precious camera, the camera they had stolen from him as they pushed him into the mid just ten minutes earlier. Finally, they reached the well, and the bigger boy dangled the camera over the well by its strap, as if he could let it go at any moment and let it slip down in to the dank depths of the Wellspring Caverns.

    “Stop!” Adam shouted, firmly planting both feet into the long, dew-coated grass as he finally arrived at the surrounded well. “Give it back! It’s not yours, Jacob!”

    Jacob, the bully who had stolen Adam’s camera just smiled back smugly and dropped the strap, only to grab it again just before it completely fell from his hand. The entire crowd gasped and all color left Adam’s poor little face.

    “C’mon! Knock it off! Give me back my camera!” Adam whined; tears began to build up in his eyes as his obsession dangled over the abyss of no return, as far as they were concerned. When something fell into the caverns you could never get them back.

    “No, I don’t think I will!” Jacob chuckled, swinging the camera back and forth, around and around, over the hole in the ground, surrounded by a large brick wall at waist height. “Unless you beg me for it…”

    “I am begging!” Adam shouted; everything around him seemed so disheveled.


    “Well you’re not doing a very good job,” Jacob smirked, as he uttered the words and this time, dropped the strap for real.

    Adam’s camera plundered into the darkness, knocking against the slimy, gray walls of the dank well, never to be seen again. It was several minutes after Jacob let go before the camera hit the water in the bottom, and a loud splash echoed up from within the well.

    Adam was dumbfounded. His camera, his sweet obsession, his favorite thing to play with, was gone. He watched it tumble into the gaping monster that was the forbidden cave’s throat, helpless and unable to retrieve it. A tear leaked down his face as he buckled over in the soaking wet grass and sobbed, drowning the already wet soil in an ocean of his tears.

    “Baby… Wuss…” the children muttered as they walked back up to the playground, each one throwing a snide, nasty remark at Adam as they passed except for Jacob, who just stood over Adam and looked down. He had the most awkward grin on his face. It was a combination of triumph and arrogance, the feeling of superiority rushing through his veins brought the awkward smile up, and it tormented Adam to look up and see it.

    “Why?” the sobbing child whispered, “Why did you do that?! I did nothing to you!”

    Jacob laughed as he watched the boy cry; he thought Adam was pitiful, crying over a silly object. He was obviously unable to pick up on the connection between the young boy and the camera he had just tossed down into an abyss of no return.

    “You didn’t have to do anything, you’re just a freak,” the bully said as he ran off, back to the playground with all of the other children. He stooped about half way to turn back and shout something else to Adam before continuing back towards the swings and slides of their park. “If that stupid camera’s so important to you then why don’t you go down there and get it?!”

    Still beyond distraught and full of pain, Adam stood up and took small steps towards the well. Nothing comes out of that well except water… the caves are completely forbidden and dangerous… Adam thought as he staggered towards the camera eating monster’s gullet. He looked over the edge of the old, multi-colored stones, hoping that he would be able to see his precious camera below or hoping that it was still within grabbing range. These were hopeless prayers. His camera was long gone. Adam fell to his knees once again and continued sobbing.

    Just a few hours later Adam was lying in bed staring at his ceiling; his mother had just tucked him into bed and now he had to fall asleep. School was in the morning and he had to be well rested to work at his best. However, nightmares of his lost camera, alone in the terrifying darkness of the Wellspring well tormented him throughout the night and he couldn’t sleep. How could anyone sleep through this? he thought, that camera was everything…

    Adam lay awake for several hours, staring at the ceiling, the walls, the toys on the floor, the inside of his blanket. Within the first several minutes it seemed like he had gone over everything in the room at least three times. He just couldn’t sleep; Jacob’s words ringing over and over in his head kept him wide awake.

    “You didn’t have to do anything, you’re just a freak” he had said, “If that stupid camera’s so important to you then why don’t you go down there and get it?!”

    “Why don’t I go down and get it?” Adam whispered into the night of his room. “It’s simply down the well and back up, no big deal…”

    The child’s mind can never comprehend the true dangers of what lies ahead for them, just like Adam couldn’t comprehend the intensity of what he was about to attempt. The Wellspring Caverns had been blocked off for a reason and Adam was about to realize why.

    Adam rummaged through his backpack one last time before leaving the house. He had dropped all of his school books on his floor; all of his pencils, pens, papers were scattered across the floor of his messy bedroom. Rope, check. Flashlight, check. Orange juice, check. Band Aids, check. Looks all good to me! the young boy thought. Of course, a journey such as this may have needed more supplies than that, but Adam was just a child, he couldn’t possibly know everything to bring with him. But, he was confident in what he had packed away, and with that, jumped out his bedroom window into his mother’s garden below.

    The playground was only a block from Adam’s house, and as such he did not have far to walk. Just twenty minutes after he flew through the window of his boyish bedroom he was already approaching the swings of the playground which swayed back and forth with the haunting night’s breeze.

    As he approached the well, Adam swung the bag from his shoulder and dropped it to the ground. The young boy was so small that he didn’t even have to bend or crouch to unzip the top pocket of the elementary backpack. After shuffling for just a few seconds Adam pulled the rope from his bag and tied one end around his waist, as tight as he could, and held the other end in his hand.

    The lad closed his eyes for a moment and let out a large sigh. He was completely horrified. He was about to enter the abyss of no return; he may never come back. It’s worth it for my camera, he thought, if I can’t have my pictures then I don’t want to come back up! With that, Adam tied the second end of the rope to the post, which held the bucket up, on the left of the well’s opening.

    Adam slowly climbed up onto the ring of stone which surrounded the dark abyss and swung one leg over the edge, letting it dangle above the pit like a puppeteer dangles its marionettes. Darkness; that’s all Adam could see when he looked over the edge and suddenly, he began to second guess his mission; however, knowing that his precious camera was at stake, Adam slowly began to pull his second leg up on to the ledge. Once he was finally up on top of the well, he reached down and picked up his bag which he then threw over his shoulder.

    With one leg lying on the ledge and the other dangling in mid-air over the opening to the well, Adam took one last look over the edge before beginning to climb down. However, Adam leaned over just a little too far and accidently slipped into the dark, dank abyss. With a loud gasp and then a terrified shriek, Adam began plummeting head-first into the well.

    It seemed like hours that he continued to fall; the bottom just never came. The grey stones of the well’s walls, covered in what appeared to be moss or algae of some kind, continued to zoom past as he continued to fall. It was all the same, each brick looked just like the last; if he hadn’t known better Adam would have thought that every time he reached a certain point that he was being teleported back to the beginning. His rope was wiggled above him as he continued to fall, and his bag only dragged him down faster. For a moment Adam thought that he would never hit the bottom.

    After several minutes of agonizing falling Adam finally stopped; however, it wasn’t because Adam had reached the bottom of the well, his rope had run out of slack and had stopped him from falling any further since it was still tied to the post above the well.

    “I wonder if I could climb the rope back up…” Adam whispered to himself. The fall had completely terrified and traumatized him and at this point he just wanted to go home.

    Adam reached up and grabbed hold of the rope and tried to pull his legs up around it like the older kids did in gym class at school. After climbing about three feet from the point where he became stuck, Adam heard a loud crack which sounded an awful lot like the splintering of wood. Although scared, he blew off the noise and continued to climb; however, after climbing just one more arm’s length upwards he heard an even louder crash and then began to spiral towards the bottom of the well once again. The post holding the rope had broken under the weight of Adam and his pack.

    Finally, after what seemed to be like an eternity of more falling, Adam plunged into a deep, crystal clear, pool of water. Having taken a deep breath beforehand, Adam looked around within the water to see if he could spot his camera; however, the only thing which he could spot was a small school of slippery, eel-like Barboach swimming near the surface and a strangely shaped- rocky fish called Relicanth sleeping at the bottom of the large pool. Needing another breath, Adam kicked towards the top of the underground pond.

    Once he arose from underneath the water Adam looked around for the nearest spot of land, closed his eyes, and swam for it as fast as he possibly could. Upon reached the land he crawled up on the shore and hugged the ground; his legs were like jello since he had fallen for so long and then swam for quite awhile on top of it. Once he was finally able to sit up, he took a good look around the cavern which he had fallen into.

    The cave was surprisingly illuminated, as opposed to being a hellish abyss of darkness as everyone had once said. In the center of the crystal clear lake, which took up most of the room, was a large crystalline spire which reflected light, from the hole in the roof, around the entire room. Every wall of the cave was coated in crystals of different shapes, sizes, and colors. The light which reflected from the crystalline spire bounced off of the sparkling walls and created a surprisingly bright light which illuminated the entire cavern. Other than the lake, the only interesting thing around was a small opening in the wall, which seemed to lead down like a hallway.

    Adam picked up a small rock and tossed it as hard as he could towards the clear lake; it skipped once before dropping down and sinking to the bottom of the expansive pool. He tired once more, but this time he couldn’t throw nearly as far, as his arms were tired, and the stone flew into the water just past of the shore line. The stone bounced up out of the water with a loud klack and sank down a few inches from where it had originally contacted the water. Curious as to what he hit, he walked over to examine the water-side.

    Reaching down into the water, he grabbed onto what felt like a thick piece of leather and pulled up on it. Up from the water came a long, black strap which had a broken metal clip on each end. It was the strap that Adam had once worn around his neck, attached to his precious camera. A tear rolled down the little boys cheek.

    Teehee

    Adam heard a sound bounce along the walls of the cave.

    Teehee

    Again, the sound--almost like a small boy giggling--rang throughout the cave. Adam looked around but saw nothing; there was nobody else down with him.

    Am I going crazy already? he asked himself, frightened, I haven’t been down here that long…

    Adam turned around and looked curiously at the small opening behind him. It was the only place that the noise could be coming from; unless he really was crazy. Terrified as he was, he was going to need to look for the way out anyways. He knew there was one, because there was a locked off cave entrance in town which was supposed to be linked to the caves under the well. With his decision made, and with a terrified expression on his face, Adam set off into the deeper depths of the caves.

    Teehee…

    Only about five minutes into the caves Adam realized that he was going to need a flashlight. The cave walls in the cavern halls were made of a slimy, nasty, brown rock that was nothing like the luminescent crystals of the lake room. Adam dropped his bag on the ground and pulled out his light, clicked it on, and shined it around to look for the next direction to walk in. Suddenly, a bright flash shone through his eyes from a distance and then slowly faded away.

    “Huh?” he grunted as the flash illuminated the caves further down the tunnel once again.

    Teehee

    There was the sound again, and each time the flash would appear in the distance, the giggle would sound off again. Adam just had to see what was going on; he was beginning to become more and more afraid by the minute. Slowly Adam progressed down the tunnel, flashlight in hand; each time the flash would appear and the giggle would play it seemed closer. It wasn’t long before he was within visual range of the thing that was making the flash.

    Adam ducked behind a large brown Stalagmite which stuck up from the cave floor like the bottom fangs of some large monster. He barely poked his head out from behind the rocky structure to see what was going on, though he tried as hard as possible to remain hidden.

    With the next flash, Adam could finally see what was going on. There were two thick, blue, round discs floating in the air, letting out the giggles every time that the flash would go off. The object making the flash was floating in the air and was connected to one of the blue discs by a stream of rainbow-colored light which bended and swirled in the air, while staying in one straight stream. Every few seconds the floating round object, which Adam could only assume to be a Pokemon, would bend the rainbow of light up a little bit to bump a button on top of the flashing object, which sent the illumination throughout the tunnel. The object which the two Pokemon were playing with was Adam’s camera.

    Teehee, one of the Pokemon giggled as the flash went off again.

    Joy fluttered into Adam’s heart as he saw that his camera was alright; he had thought that it would be lost forever. In fact, Adam was filled with so much overwhelming happiness that he jumped right out from behind his hiding place and grabbed for the floating camera. As his hands touched his sacred possession he was instantly flung backwards by a rabid force as the rainbow stream of light flashed, sparked, and spread across the entire surface of the camera. As he sat up from his recoil, the two floating Pokemon turned to stare at him.

    “That’s my camera, give it back!” Adam exclaimed as he got back up upon his own two feet.

    The twin blue discs seemed taken aback by his command and flinched back as he shouted at them. The camera slowly floated back behind the two Pokemon.

    “Zor?” one of them whimpered, as if it were afraid of Adam.

    “Bronz!” the other one shouted, as if arguing with the small boy.|

    It was quite obvious that they didn’t want to give up their new toy and Adam could easily see this. He wasn’t really sure of what to do at this point except for try to reason with them. He begged and pleaded with the Pokemon for several minutes, trying as heard as he could to get them to give him back his precious camera; but to no avail. Adam soon realized that the only way that the trip into the well was going to be a success was if he took back his photo box by force.

    Adam shined the bright luminescence of his flash light directly into each of the Pokemon’s eyes, temporarily blinding them, and then threw the flash light as hard as he could at the one which appeared to be “holding” the camera. As the handheld lamp struck the Pokemon square in the face, it released its psychic hold on their new flashing toy and the camera dropped to the floor and tumbled towards Adam’s feet. Picking up his light from the ground, he sprinted off down the tunnel as fast as he possibly could.
     
  2. sec

    sec New Member

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    Adam didn’t get far before he was stopped dead in his tracks, frozen, unable to move. A faint ethereal blue light shone from his skin and no matter how hard he tried, the only thing that he could move were his eyes. A large cylinder-like Pokemon, the same color as the previously seen Pokemon, appeared in front of him from the darkness. This Pokemon had a small arch above its head, which could have even been mistaken by some sort of crown, and it appeared to have two large arms which hung down from the tip of the cylinder. Its two large red eyes, which sat along the bottom of cylindrical body, glowed through the darkness and set an eerie red light along the cave’s walls.

    You wish to remove an object from the cave of wellspring… Forbidden! a booming metallic voice sounded throughout the cave. Worse yet, you take it from the inhabitants of this home. Your punishment is death… You do not leave this place… the voice boomed out in rhythm of the pulsing of red-lit eyes.

    Two blue floating discs floated up from behind Adam and hovered next to the talking Pokemon. With angered expressions upon their faces, their eyes suddenly began to flash with a mix of vibrant colors. The twin discs threw burst of multi-colored light at Adam and as these rays of rainbows connected the entire room around the boy seemed to collapse. The walls of the cave collapsed in, the floor spun underneath him, and the twin Bronzors laughed as they twisted the room around the small boy. Suddenly, bits and pieces of the world seemed to just begin floating away, they disappearedcompletely and left only darkness where they used to be. He felt no pain from the blast, just a hint of dizziness and nausea; the real effect of the blast however, was the way Adam was now seeing the room around him. His surroundings looked so surreal.

    Adam stood upon some sort of floating island; the ground was a sickly pink color and the edges of the island were lined with rows of dark indigo spikes, which jutted straight up along the edges as well as out of the sides of the island. There was one lone tree in the center of the island, though it was dead as dead could be, and there appeared to be more islands far off in the distance. There was no telling where he was since no where in the real world was anything like this. Adam walked nervously to the edge of the floating isle, and looked to see what was below. Beneath him was a swirling cloud of deathly colors. Pale blues, pinks, grays, black; they all twisted and merged together to form the strangest distorted pool of waste that Adam had ever seen. The sky, oddly enough, seemed to look the same way. It was almost as if he was surrounded by this dizzying mess.

    Adam turned back around and looked once again at the floor of the isle, since there was nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. There were three skeletons on the floating mass. One leaned up against a tree, one face down on the ground, and one hanging over a blood-stained row of spikes along the edge. Adam stood in horror of what could possibly be his fate.

    Quite terrifying isn’t it… a mysterious voice sounded from somewhere in front of the small boy.

    Adam looked all around but saw nothing at all; he couldn’t find where this odd voice could be coming from. He was terrified as it was to the point of almost emotionally breaking down, he couldn’t deal with any more mysterious voices.

    “Who’s there?!” he was afraid to ask, but did so anyways.

    A jet of purple flashed from behind the tree; Adam could only catch a glimpse of the color because whatever it was that was there was so lightning fast. Just a second later, the purple object flew around Adam’s body, though this time it stopped to hover in front of his face. Whatever it was, it looked as if it were a cross between a bat and some sort of gigantic scorpion; sort of like a violet-colored gliding insect with a stinger-ended tail. What Adam was really looking at, was a very elderly Gligar.

    Quite some time I’ve spent here and each one of you has the same expression when you arrive, the bat-like Pokemon muttered.

    “Who are you?” Adam inquired, though still terrified of the monster before him.

    [/i]My trainer was the first to be sent to this realm. He attempted to capture a Pokemon from the caves you were banished here from and was sent here as a result. He lays by the tree, sadly passed on, but I still wait for my time and keep the other humans who pass through company. That one on the ground was a fun fellow to talk to, sent here for stealing crystals from the cave walls…[/i]

    “Can you help me find a way out?” Adam wondered. The last thing he wanted to do was sit there and die and it sounded like this creature would be the one to know the way if one existed. “Please?”

    There is just one way out, that man over there, on the spikes, attempted to find it but sadly he was quite the portly old fellow. Couldn’t even clear the spikes… Follow me, the Gligar instructed as it flew off towards the blood-soaked edge of the island.

    Adam ran over as quickly as he could, he wasn’t going to waste any time. All’s he wanted was to get home to his mother. At this point, he never wanted to leave home again.

    See the island down there? the Pokemon asked as it hovered over the abyss below.

    Adam nodded as he hung his head over the edge. There was one island just below his; it was completely barren and devoid of anything at all. No skeletons, no trees, no strange ancient Pokemon, and certainly no exit.

    You simply have to jump off of this island, and make it to that one. If you can do that then leaving is quite simple. Just don’t fall on the spikes and don’t panic. I’ll meet you down there if you can make it… with that, the glider flew out further into the abyss and hung several feet in there over the island below.

    Adam was terrified, simply terrified. He had gone through so many horrors today and now he was to jump over a row of spikes into an abyss below and land on a small island which floated in the air. What if he hit the spikes? What would it feel like? What if he fell into the swirling cloud below? What would happen to him? These conundrums puzzled the little boys mind and pushed it to the extremes; no child at his age should have had to put up with these kinds of choices. What were his choices though?

    With a running start, Adam leapt over the long row of blood-stained spikes and down into the abyssal cavity below. Screaming as he fell an endless amount of time, he tried as hard as he could to position himself above the second island. The thrashed through the air, trying to move forward just enough to make it. Adam just barely made it alive.

    The boy slammed into the ground hard, right next to the line of spikes which lined the edges of this island. It took all of the strength that he could muster to stand up, but he was still only minimally injured from the long fall. As soon as Adam stood up upon the platform he felt a certain shift in his balance. The entire island suddenly started rising at an alarming rate.

    ”What’s going on?!” Adam asked his Gligar companion, who was now floating next to him once again.

    “It’s an elevator-like platform. Just hold on,” it advised.

    Soon the elevator had stopped moving and they duo could see exactly what they were searching for, the exit. The elevator had taken them straight to the highest island in this odd world of darkness. Just directly across from them was a large hole in the floor with a portal floating inside. Their only problem was the two objects floating above the portal. Two identical blue discs.

    Gligar let out a hiss as the two discs floated nearer to them. They began screeching, with similar metallic voices as the Bronzong that had confronted Adam in the cave, about how the two were not allowed to leave and how they would not pass. Gligar decided otherwise.

    The gliding scorpion flew high into the air as its claws began to glow with an imbuing color of ethereal darkness, and its tail slowly molded over to create a solid iron alloy over the Pokemon’s skin. With a dive, Gligar quickly slashed one Bronzor with a viciously powerful Night Slash while striking the other with an Iron Tail simultaneously.

    Head for the exit, I’ll take care of these two, Gligar instructed Adam.

    The boy had no problem complying with this request; he wanted nothing more than to leave. He set off on a full-speed sprint for the portal as soon as he was told to.

    Teehee, one of the Bronzors giggled, although this was more of a cynical giggle as opposed to the humored giggles from the caves.

    The bronze Pokemon’s eyes began glowing a very dark ivy color as the room began to look even odder than it already had. Several glowing and flashing purple squares began to float around the one island. Suddenly, Adam’s parade for the portal was almost completely halted. It seemed like no matter how fast he ran, he could only go as fast as if he were tip-toeing. The room seemed to have the same effect on Gligar, though the Bronzors were moving faster than ever.

    With another hiss, Gligar dove forwards, towards the Bronzor that it had hit with an Iron Tail, and swung one of it pincers down in a karate-chop fashion; however, due to its slowness and Bronzor’s newfound speed, the Pokemon was easily able to float out of the way.

    Meanwhile behind Gligar, the second Bronzor was being surrounded by glowing speheres of ethereal purple energy. Zor! the Pokemon screeched, as it forced all of these psychic spheres upon the distracted Gligar. As it was struck by the focused Extrasensory, Gligar just about tumbled to the ground. An attack of that force was almost too much for the elderly scorpion to handle.

    Gligar refused to give up, he was going to take these two opponents out even if it would cost him everything. This time, he would be free of he would die, there were no other options for him.

    Adam could see that the Gligar was having some problems and wished that he could help. The Pokemon had helped him reach his way home, how could he not want to help in its time of need? Suddenly an idea sparked into Adam’s head.

    ”Shut your eyes!” he shouted to the gliding scorpion.

    The sudden shout caused both Bronzors to look in Adam’s direction as Gligar closed it eyes as instructed. Adam pulled his camera up to his eye and took just one picture of the group of fighting Pokemon. Both Bronzors were temporarily blinded by the flash.

    Gligar, now able to attack even with the Trick Room established, gripped the hard ground with his claws and pulled upwards as hard as he could. Gligar managed to pull forth a large chunk of the rocky ground beneath them and threw it forcefully at one of the dazed Bronzors. As the powerful Stone Edge connected with Bronzor, it was pushed forth by the force of the gigantic stone. As the boulder tumbled over the edge of the island, the first Bronzor flew into the abyss with it. As the boulder plunged into the abyssal cloud below, sparks of all different colors were emitted along with a small explosion; with this explosion came the fall of the Trick Room, as the purple squares faded into darkness and allowed everybody to move at their normal speeds. Adam watched with joy as his plan worked and Gligar defeated the first of the evil Bronzors.

    As the remaining Bronzor fell out of its daze, caused by the camera’s flash, its eyes began glowing the same dark green as the previous Bronzor when it set up Trick Room. Gligar wasn’t going to let that happen again and so, with as much speed as it could muster up, it dove at Bronzor and swung its claws in an X-shaped slash, catching Bronzor off guard and breaking its focus before it could establish the room again.

    Bronor quickly decided that it wouldn’t be able to establish another Trick Room and that it would have to fight fairly now. Each one of the small orbs around the disc’s body now began glowing a different color and each glow grew stronger and stronger by the second. Finally, each of the glowing spheres moved from around the spheres which surrounded Bronzor’s body and formed one glowing mass in front of the Pokemon. The Signal Beam shot towards Gligar rapidly but the scorpion Pokemon was too fast now that Trick Room was out of the picture.

    The gliding scorpion quickly flew over the Signal Beam attack and grabbed Bronzor with both its claws. Crushing down as hard as it could, Gligar pierced right through the Bronzor’s steel-hard body and tossed the instantly knocked out Pokemon to the side. Its final Guillotine completely destroyed whatever remained of the floating blue disc Pokemon. As Gligar floated down to Adam, it gave him a look of approval and dropped into the portal. Adam followed and finally headed home. He woke up the next morning, lying just outside the well. A camera lay on the ground beside him.
     
  3. Neighborhood-Guest

    Neighborhood-Guest My Legs!

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    Claimed for Grading. :)
     
  4. Neighborhood-Guest

    Neighborhood-Guest My Legs!

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    [This took a bit longer than expected. Sorry! >_> ]

    Introduction:
    You did a good job with this section of the story. We are introduced to the problem that the main character has to fix through the intro, and there's some action thrown in to keep things interesting and get the reader hooked.

    All in all, a solid introduction for a story like this one. I have no complaints.

    Plot:
    Well, I thought I had this story's plot figured out at first, until you threw in the curve with the Bronzong and Bronzor warping reality. I thought that was a good addition to the story, because it made everything more interesting and turned this fetch quest into a struggle to survive, in a sense. At first, I was thinking, "How's he going to tie Gligar into this without it sounding forced?" Well, with the curve in the plot that you wrote up, you did tie it in, and quite well, I have to say.

    No complaints here, either. Good job!

    Dialogue:
    For the most part, the dialogue was also acceptable. It was realistic and believable considering the age of the characters, and it offered insights into their personalities. Adam's obsession with his camera came off a little strong, but considering his age, it was appropriate. Younger children tend to go a bit over the top with the stuff that they like, and you captured this very well with Adam's thoughts and spoken words throughout the story.

    I did find a problem with the amount of telling versus showing that you did, though. It's good to keep an effective balance between the two, but at times during your story, I noticed a point that could have been much better off shown, but you instead simply told the reader about it. Essentially, many of the points where the omniscient narrator came into the story could have been better for the depth and development of your characters if you had shown them interacting with the situation they were in.

    The most glaringly obvious one was this:

    I know it sounds ridiculous, but actually having him argue with the Bronzor would have been better here, as opposed to simply saying, "they argued for a few minutes, and nothing happened". Well, I know nothing happened, but I want to see that nothing happen! xP

    In short, try to avoid situations like the above quote in the future. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it kind of sped the plot along all of a sudden, and that was kind of jarring to me. By showing the interaction itself, this can be avoided.

    Grammar:
    I generally put as many examples into the grammar section as I can find; to be honest, your grammar was fine for the most part, so don't let the expansiveness of this section fool you.

    First off, there were a few typos and some small grammar errors that probably could have been fixed with a little more proofreading. It's best not to rush your stories into this section of the forums, even if it is a story deal, all right? That said, this is nitpicking, since it didn't affect the flow of the story at all for me.

    I noticed that you had a lot of thoughts in your story that weren't denoted as thoughts. It's probably best to italicize or single-quote any thoughts that your characters have so as not to cause confusion. Also, when writing a thought, it acts almost like a new line of dialogue; you should start a new paragraph when you start the thought.

    For both of these, placing a text break in between the paragraphs might have helped to convey the passage of time better.

    Other than that, I really didn't find too many problems that didn't fall under the nitpicking category that I talked about above.

    Detail and Description:
    You put a lot of detail into the story, and that definitely helped to move the plot along. I could visualize pretty much everything that was going on with ease throughout, so good job with this. That said, I did notice a few things that stuck out to me.

    I'm entirely surprised that Adam managed to get into the parks unnoticed. Where I live, they have security cameras and that sort of stuff set up in the parks, and the gates to the parks are locked tight after sunset. I guess that where I live is coloring my willing suspension of disbelief, that's all. xD

    BTW, you never mentioned that Adam tied the rope to the top of the well until it became apparent when he was falling. You might have wanted to mention that a bit earlier so as not to cause confusion.

    He didn't pick up his camera after all that? :p

    This is a bit on the deus ex machina side, but that's a nitpick, really, considering the fact that the fabric of reality had unraveled around Adam a long time ago thanks to the warped space that he was in. I mean, it's not realistic, but then again, nothing is in the setting Adam was in at the time. xD

    As opposed to the rest of the story, where you put in a lot of details, I felt that the ending was rushed. Elaborating on the situation at the end would have been better for the story overall, methinks.

    Again, these are all just things I noticed, and most can be solved with a little more proofreading, so don't let the amount of examples discourage you. :)

    Battle:
    The battle was done well, in my opinion. It was a little one-sided towards the Gligar, considering the fact that it was two-on-one; however, you did mention that the Gligar was "elderly", which translates to "at a very high level", so it really wasn't a problem.

    The end of the battle kind of trails off into the ending in a jarring way; as I explained above, separating the two situations and providing a bit more detail about the ending would have made this better.

    Length:
    Longer than required. Good job!

    Outcome:
    Drum roll, please...

    ...

    Gotcha! Bronzor (x 2) and Gligar were caught!

    There were a few problems, but none of them were too serious. Overall, I thought that this story was well-written, and earned the three Pokemon that you were going for.

    Enjoy your captures!