Sleeping with the fishes!

Daniel was a young trainer. 13 years of age and just gotten his first official Pokémon, a male Pichu which he had nicknamed Leet-chu. Excited as ever, he wanted badly to catch his very first Pokémon. He decided that because it was his first ever capture attempt, that he would try and battle something with a type disadvantage to Pichu.

For the sake of staying safe, he asked his long time friend and mentor Red to help him out. Red was about a year older than Daniel. Not only was he an experienced trainer, but he was also the Kanto league champion. Red almost never talked, and lived by his own personal motto, "Actions speak louder than words." When Daniel told his mother about his plans to catch his very first Pokémon, she wasn't at all pleased. She feared that he would get hurt.

"I will not have you risk your neck just so you can catch a Pokémon. There are very dangerous creatures that dwell in the water! What if you get eaten by a Gyaridos, or a Wailord?"

Daniel explained how that there was no chance of him being attacked by a Pokémon, not only because he had the company of Red, who was quite possibly the most powerful trainer on the planet, but because the Lake they were planning on going to only had Magikarp in it.

After much persuading, Daniel was allowed to go. He and Red arrived at a small lake near Cerulean Cave and began to fish. No more than two minutes had passed when Daniel began to feel a tug on his line.

"I think I have a bite!" Daniel reeled in with all his might, but the fish was no match for him. In an effort to not drop his line, he was pulled into the water. All of a sudden, he was surrounded by Magikarp, and they didn't look to happy.

Meanwhile Leet-Chu, Red and his Pikachu were standing on the shore in shock. They would have let lose an electric attack, were Daniel not in the water. Red sent out his Blastoise and jumped on its back. He told Pikachu and Leet-chu to stay on the surface until they returned.

Daniel was being bashed about by angry Magikarps. He did not know how the weakest Pokémon in the world could be giving him such a beating! He couldn't hold his breath much longer. Thankfully, Red swam in on Blastiose. They rose to the surface, bringing the now unconscious Daniel with them. They were being followed by the angry group of fish however. One Magikarp tried to jump up onto Blastoise to attack, but knowing how weak Magikarp was on land, Red did nothing. All of a sudden, a massive Gyarados leaped out of the water!

The tremendous roar of the mighty beast was enough to awaken Daniel. Gasping for air, he had to think fast. Noticing almost immediately that Gyarados was in the air, he uttered "Leet-chu, THUNDERSHOCK!" The move was more than super-effective. As Gyarados, paralyzed and weak, fell back into the lake, Daniel wished he could have caught it. Unfortunately, not having any Pokeballs suitable for such a strong Pokémon, it looked like he'd have to settle for the Magikarp that had tried to attack them by jumping aboard Blastoise. The others dared not attack after witnessing the defeat of their leader by a mere Pichu and his noob trainer.

They got back to shore safely and dried off. Daniel noticed that the Magikarp was of an odd color, and hoped that it would be easy enough to catch without weakening it.

"Well, here it goes." Daniel threw a Pokeball. One shake, two shakes, three shakes...Daniel crossed his fingers. He knew in his heart it was now or never, and he prayed that it would be now. He and Red watched in anticipation for the final blink of the Pokeball...

 

Claimed for Grading.

 

Introduction:
Your introduction gives the readers some insight into Daniel's personality and gives a little bit of background on where he's been and what friends he's made. Though I have to wonder how he made friends with Red, this introduction is very good thanks to your effort in having the readers get to know who Daniel is early on.

There is one thing that I would recommend you use in future stories, however: a hook. Essentially, it's an introduction that draws in your reader and keeps them interested. Let's take a look at the beginning of this story:

Like I said above, this is good. However, it lacks something that really makes the reader say, "Wow, that's different and interesting! Let's keep reading." In first stories, it's not uncommon for this sort of beginning; that's not to say it's bad, because it fits for the Pokemon you want, but a hook that is different from the norm would keep your readers interested for longer.

For example, you could start this story off with Daniel in the water at his and Red's fishing hole, surrounded by Magikarp and about to get pummeled. He could think something along the lines of, "How do I get myself into these messes?" and then a flashback would occur, showing us how he got to that point. Not only would you have a hook that draws the reader in, you'd also potentially have a running gag for humor in future stories, and you could still provide the bit of back story and some details into Daniel's personality that way.

It's worth working on these hooks, because more complex Pokemon will require that your introductions be more creative and engaging. For now, however, this intro is fine.

Plot:
Having just received his first Pokemon, a Pichu, Daniel wishes to go hunting for Water-types. He enlists the help of his friend Red, and, despite his mother's misgivings, he goes to Cerulean City to fish. While fishing, he is pulled under and smacked around by a bunch of Magikarp while Red and Leet-chu (Daniel's Pichu) watch from the sidelines. They rescue an unconscious Daniel who is quick to awaken when a Gyarados leaps from the water and attacks. With some quick thinking, the Gyarados is defeated, and one of the Magikarps flops onto the land. Thinking this capture will be simple enough, Daniel tosses a Poke Ball.

Quite like the introduction, this is a pretty basic plot, though the addition of some back story makes it a little above average. Daniel's reason to go fishing is plausible, and for the most part, everything that happens in the story could potentially happen in the Pokemon games or anime.

Despite this, I do have a couple of questions. If the lake was supposed to only be full of Magikarp, why was there one Gyarados? That's never really explained, though it really isn't an issue for a Magikarp.

This plot is just fine; however, if you plan to go for more complex Pokemon, make sure that you expand upon your plots, because something more difficult will require more originality and clever thinking in order to capture it.

Dialogue:
There isn't too much of this in this story; however, considering the fact that Daniel and his mother are the only ones that are willing speakers of the English language in this story, it's understandable. Actually, I'm glad you didn't have Red talk - his personal motto and actions throughout the story fit right into his character from the games.

Just remember that, in the future, you may need to expand upon your dialogue more, depending on the Pokemon you're going for. For Magikarp, the dialogue included is fine; for something in higher categories, it would be best to get more talking into the story.

One of the main purposes of dialogue is to help the readers identify the personalities of the characters. By showing some more of Daniel's personality in his dialogue in future stories, your readers (and Graders) will be able to better connect to him, and your story will be better overall, allowing you a better chance to catch something more complex. For now, however, what you've written is all right.

Grammar:
I didn't find a lot of grammatical errors here, so I'd say you're good to go here. However, I would still like to bring up a couple of things I noticed as I read.

Did you mean that the fish was a match for him? It would make more sense in context. However, I didn't even notice this on my first read-through, so moving on!

You may want to try using semicolons in the future. Basically, a semicolon connects two sentences with ideas that relate to each other, but could also stand on their own as sentences. For example, here's a line from your story that would illustrate my point quite nicely:

These two sentences share a similar idea because they describe the actions of the rescue. Let's put a semicolon in there, and rearrange the words to fit our new sentence:

See how that works? It still makes sense, and semicolon use is always a plus in the Grammar section of a Grade, so long as you use them correctly.

Detail and Description:
In particular, I noticed that you described Red's personality quite well; while this is normally better to do through dialogue, Red's lack of talking makes this a valid choice. Good job with that, because it helped me fit Red into his game personality better throughout the rest of the story.

It is worth mentioning that you didn't really give any details on what Daniel, Leet-chu, or the Magikarp and Gyarados looked like. While it won't affect your Grade this time because of the target Pokemon you're going for, you have to assume when writing these stories that your readers don't know what any Pokemon looks like, even though this is a Pokemon forum. If your readers haven't seen a Blastoise in-game because they never chose that starter, for example, they wouldn't be able to visualize the situation where Red is on its back. In the same vein, describing Daniel's and Red's looks would allow your readers to better visualize them in the situations you put them in.

This is just some food for thought next time you write, because for Magikarp, I felt that what you did with the details was fine.

Battle:

That's pretty much it for the battle in this one. If you were going for something more difficult, I'd definitely expand upon the battle some more, because a good battle always helps the outcome of the story. In this story, the effects of a single ove outright KOing a Gyarados, even if it was six times more powerful than usual, made your Pichu look quite overpowered. For now, however, I think this was good enough, considering the other details you put into the story.

Length:
Magikarp is in the Easiest category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 3,000 to 5,000 characters. Your story is 3,565 characters; it's still a bit short, but it makes the cut.

Outcome:
Drum roll, please...

...

...Click!

Gotcha! Magikarp was caught!

Make sure that you follow my suggestions when you try for something more complex. You've got potential as a writer, so I'm sure it won't be a problem for you.

Enjoy your catch!