Shifting Tides [ Claimed =D ]

This is actually the second chapter; Chapter 1 can be found in my blog, if people feel like reading it. It might help explain a few things, but it's not altogether necessary.

This is a story that wasn't actually written for the purpose of capturing a Pokemon, but it seems to fit the bill pretty well, so I'm posting it for kicks and giggles. Apologies in advance if its not the kind of fare that was intended to be posted in here.

Story Final Length: 12149 characters, 2274 words

Target Pokemon: Shellder
Difficulty: Medium
Optimal Length: 10-20k

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“Come on, Roark, please?” I said, trailing behind the gym leader as he walked toward the mines. “I'm not asking for anything special, just one Pokemon. Any Pokemon!”

“Sorry, Dianne,” Roark replied. “I'd do it in a heartbeat, if it weren't against the rules.”

“Rules? What rules?” I said, disbelief evident in my voice. I knew that Roark had bunches of extra Pokemon, some that just loitered about the gym all day. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let me have one of the weaker ones.

“It's League stuff. If I give you a Pokemon, if gives you an unfair advantage over other beginning trainers.” It sounded as if he were reciting something he had memorized a long time ago.

If I hadn't been so disappointed by the lack of Pokemon in my hand, I would have smiled. He's a good guy, that Roark. The gym's challengers didn't believe it, but he's actually really nice when he's not trouncing your Pokemon.

I tried to take advantage of Roark's goodhearted nature the whole way to the mine, but I couldn't find any good loopholes in the gym-leaders'-Pokemon-are-too-good-for-you rule. I was forced to admit defeat. “Look,” I said, “Just... lend me something. I'll go out, catch something different, and give yours back. Is that still an unfair advantage?”

Roark paused. “I don't think that's against the rules, exactly,” he said slowly. He was clearly trying to appear the official, rule-abiding figure of authority, but I knew better. Behind his stiff exterior, I could tell that what he really meant was, 'As long as you keep quiet about it...'

“Thank you, sir!” I said, smiling widely. “It's still morning, and I'm sure I could catch something before the day's out, so can I please start now?”

Roark sighed and shook his head like I was one of those little kids who just refused to understand, but I could see the smile behind his eyes, and I could see his hand stray toward his Pokeballs. “Don't do anything rash, alright? I'll let you use one of the friendly ones, but I'll need him back today.”

“Yes sir!” I said, holding out my hand for the Pokeball. He hadn't even waited to finish his sentence before offering it to me.

“Good luck,” he said as he dropped the ball into my hand. “And by the way, I want to see you as a gym challenger before too long, so you'd better practice hard. I don't want to hold back.” He smiled.

If I hadn't been so excited by the Pokemon in my hand, I would have shuddered. This is where the 'when he's not trouncing you' side of Roark came into play-- just because it was his job to be the entry-level gym leader for Sinnoh, it didn't mean entry-level was all he could do. If he felt like it, I bet he could give even the Elite Four a run for their money.

“Yes sir, and thank you very much,” I said, even though I was worried about the challenge.

Roark nodded, and half-waved as he turned to walk into the mines. I stood for a bit, watching until his silhouette was lost in the dark tunnels. Originally, my plan had been to follow him into the mines and catch one of the local Pokemon, but if I was going to challenge Roark, I didn't think something so mundane would cut it. I needed something more exotic, something that could wear rocks down.

I turned toward Jubilife City, and headed down the road at a full sprint. Whatever it was I wanted wouldn't be in Oreburgh.

%

I should have figured that trying to run all the way to the next city was a bad idea, but the thought didn't even cross my mind until I stopped, panting, in the middle of route 203.

I slumped against a tree, trying to force air into my burning lungs. It didn't work very well, and I just ended up coughing violently. On the other side of the path, a small grey bird gestured toward me with a wing and chirped mirthfully.

I forced myself to stop coughing. There was no way I was going to let some stupid Starly point and laugh at me.

My first instinct was to stand up straight and kick the stupid bird; I had halfway executed the maneuver when I remembered that I was no longer limited to hitting things with shoes. I stepped back, pulled Roark's Pokeball out of my pack, and lobbed the red and white sphere toward the Starly.

When the ball's red light faded, both Starly and I stood gaping. A giant snake of solid rock towered above us, covering us in its massive shadow. Apparently, its presence was too much for the Starly, who flew away immediately after regaining its senses. I probably would have considered running, too, if I hadn't recognized the Pokemon I had released.

“Onix!” I gasped, feeling a smile spread slowly across my face. This wasn't just any Onix; it was the very one Roark used during gym challenges, one of his trademark Pokemon!

I could tell this was going to be a good day.

After engaging in some impressively two-sided conversation with Onix, I recalled him and continued on to Jubilife City. Even though Jubilife was supposed to be the biggest bestest city in all of Sinnoh, I didn't believe it for a second-- it was big and had a lot of buildings, but it other than size, it was really boring. Too many corporate headquarters, not enough to do. I had a fat chance of seeing any Pokemon worth catching in this place.

Even though it was almost noon, I didn't bother to stop for lunch before leaving the city. I kept up my westerly course, 'cause I could see the ocean in the distance. I'd always been fascinated by the ocean; the eternal struggle between the land and water was a majestic thing. Of course, the ocean always wins in the end.

I quickened my pace. That was my chance of beating Roark!

I was so excited to get to the water, I didn't pay much attention to where I was going. I jogged down the beach, calling up images of what kind of fish I might be able to catch, when I snagged my toe and tripped, earning myself a face full of sand.

I groaned and pushed myself back up into a sitting position, looking back to see what I had tripped over. At first, I saw nothing by an unusually large purple seashell, but upon closer inspection, I realized that the bivalve shell had eyes.

I snickered, realizing that I had literally stumbled over a Pokemon. It wasn't a fish, and it wasn't particularly awesome-looking, but it was certainly water-type.

Apparently the clam-like Pokemon didn't find my joke as funny as I did, 'cause it stuck its tongue out at me. The action jogged my memory-- this clam was a Shellder, and though it wasn't very awesome right now, it certainly would be after it evolved. A good catch, indeed.

It wasn't a very good idea to use a rock-type on a beach, but I didn't have much choice in the matter. I pulled Onix's Pokeball from my pack and threw it, and watched the giant snake materialize in the sand. Now, to keep the Shellder's water from eroding my rock-type. “Onix, squeeze its shell closed!”

Roaring, Onix lunged toward the clam, which seemed a lot smaller when compared to the rock snake. Shellder's size seemed an advantage; Onix was struggling to Bind something so much smaller than itself. While Onix fumbled with the tiny shell, the clam began shooting the jets of Briny water I had hoped to avoid. The pressurized salt water hit Onix much harder than I expected, which the snake made clear with roars of discomfort.

I took a step forward. I hat to cut off the water!

“Onix,” I shouted, trying to be heard over the roaring, “don't worry about grabbing it-- sit on it!”

Clearly, Roark's really good at training his Pokemon, 'cause Onix listened to my unorthodox command without any hesitation whatsoever. The giant Pokemon Slammed to the ground, pinning the Shellder to the ground underneath it. I rushed forward, trying to spot the purple shell under Onix's bulk.

I didn't find the Shellder, exactly, but I found a steadily growing puddle; the section of Onix's tail above it was twitching uncomfortably. I crept as close to the rock snake as I could, and I could barely see the now scuffed-up edges of a shell.

I drew an empty Pokeball from my pack, one of those spiffy blue ones that were supposed to be good at catching water-types-- nice Pokeballs were one of the perks of having siblings in the Pokemart business. I threw the ball at the exposed bit of shell a bit harder than necessary, hoping that I wouldn't have to fight for too much longer. Onix's stamina was wearing out fast, and I was pretty worried.

My luck didn't pull through; the ball bounced ineffectively off the shell. “Okay, fine,” I muttered. “Be that way. But I'll still get you.”

I stepped back, putting a good bit of distance between Onix and myself. “Alright,” I called, “Let it outta there!”

Roaring again, Onix lurched away from the clam. A fountain of water was spraying up where the puddle used to be; the Brine was still dangerously close to my rock snake.

“Move, Onix! Get away from it!” I called as I cautiously moved in closer. Apparently, though, Shellder was smart enough not only to watch Onix but to listen to what I said, 'cause it stopped the water flow as soon as I gave the order to move. I grinned-- my job has just been made a lot easier. I now stood almost on top of the Shellder, and I was staring down into an almost fully-opened shell.

“Good game,” I said, I hint of both irony and respect permeating my voice. I dropped my Net Ball neatly between the two halves of the shell; in a flash of light and a few wiggles, Shellder was captured.

As I picked up the blue Pokeball, I let out a loud breath. Who knew that Pokemon battling could be so exhausting? I didn't even do anything but yell.

%

I probably could have gotten back to Oreburgh a bit earlier, had I tried to run again, but I wasn't too concerned about the time. It was bright midafternoon when I stopped at the Pokemon Center-- I wasn't about to let Roark know that I'd let his beautiful Onix take a beating, and I was sure Shellder wouldn't mind a bit of healing, either. I was sort of worried that the nurse would recognize which Onix I had brought in, but if she noticed, she didn't seem to mind.

Almost immediately after leaving the Center, I ran into Roark heading toward the gym. Before he could notice me, I made sure to display my Pokeball on my belt, where it was visible, even though I thought it was desperately uncomfortable.

Roark seemed to be walking a bit faster than usual. “Good timing, Dianne,” he said as our paths crossed. I pivoted and began walking next to him. “A kid just found me to ask for a gym challenge. Are you done with Onix now?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Thanks for lending him to me.” I was kind of sad he had to go work so quickly after I got back; I had wanted to show off my Pokemon.

“Good luck with the challenge, sir,” I said, intending to end any conversation. It wasn't that I wanted to get away, exactly, but I had already intruded on Roark's life enough today, and I didn't want to make him late to a challenge, too.

Roark clearly understood and agreed with my intent, but it had one last question to ask. “And goo d luck to you with your Pokemon training.” He waved toward my Pokeball; I involuntarily smiled with pride. “When will you be leaving?”

“Early tomorrow,” I said. “First thing.”

“Come back and visit sometime,” Roark said. “You owe me a challenge, right?”

“Right,” I said. It would be fun to actually participate in a challenge instead of just watching. Not now, though; I wasn't ready yet, and neither was my Pokemon. I hadn't even named it yet.

“I'll see you later, then,” Roark said, as he opened the gym's doors to go inside. I waved at him, but he was facing the wrong way and disappeared into the building.

I stood alone in the street for a bit, watching the sun slowly travel the sky. I didn't know how I would get used to the self-sufficient trainer business; I'd even had to ask for help in getting a Pokemon. It really wasn't cool-- I knew I couldn't be strong if I relied on other people all the time.

I guess this is the heart-changing moment for my life-- at that point, I promised myself I wouldn't rely on anyone else during my journey, and that my Pokemon and I would support each other. We could do it.

My hand strayed to the Pokeball at my belt, my fingers gently resting on its smooth surface. Now I understood why so many people made that unconscious gesture.

 

Re: Shifting Tides [ Open for Claiming ]

Claimed. Nothing else to say right now. Just claimed.

 

I'm sorry this took so long. I had your grade ready yesterday, but the site went down and deleted it.

Intro: Your intro is good. It sucks me right into the story, gets me interested in it, and introduces me to your character. The only thing you forgot, was to describe your main character, but I'll get you for that in the detail section. :saiyan:

Plot: Your plot was simple, but you made it seem more interesting than a lot of other beginning trainer stories. Your plot is short but sweet, and I enjoyed it. Full points.

Dialogue: You didn't have much dialogue, but from what you did have, I could see that it didn't have many errors, and that it sounded natural and didn't interrupt the flow of your story. Good job.

Grammar: You had very few grammar errors, but the ones you do have, I've listed below.

There needs to be a comma here:

Like this:

This sentence needs some clean up:

Like this:

I think this is a typo, but...

It should be:

I didn't see any other errors. Wow. 0_0

Detail: You did a good job describing Pokemon, thei moves, and the places your character went, but you forgot to DESCRIBE YOUR MAIN CHARACTER. Even if you did this in your first chapter, you should still add little things to help people remember, or for people who didn't read the first one. If you don't want to lump a description together at the beginning, don't. Just have Dianne do a simple gesture like pushing a strand of *blank* colored hair out of her face. Anyways, let me end with a compliment.

This:

Was my favorite quote in the whole story. That's a golden line right there.

Length: You need a minimum of 10k for Shellder, and you have 12.1k, so you're fine.

Reality: There's nothing unrealistic about your story, so you're fine here.

Personal Feelings: I liked your story, thought it was cute, and can't wait to see later chapters, so...

Outcome: Shellder...captured.

You need to add more description to your character, but other than that and a few typos, this is a great story. Here's your Shellder: