Shellos' Adventure

Spoiler

Beneath the ocean amongst the coral reefs there lived a tiny little Shellos from the west. Shellos was proud and kind to all who lived around the area, all loved Shellos and greeted her as she passed. "Morning Shellos, how are you today?" Questioned a Kind old Lanturn who lived next door to the Shellos, " I'm fine Mr Lanturn, how are you?" Shellos replied kindly. The Lanturn gave a gentle smile and replied with "I'm good, I was thinking about going out for a swim today," Shellos reacted with a smile and said "That sounds like a swell plan it is a beautiful day today, well I'll leave you to your swim good day."

Shellos took her leave and continued on towards her destination slowly. While heading towards the outer rim of the Coral Reef she calls home she ran into a small prickly pokemon sitting there crying. The small purple Pokemon sitting on the outskirts was called Mareanie, "Excuse me, are you ok? Can I help you in anyway?" Shellos questioned worriedly. The upset Mareanie sniffled and looked up at the kind hearted Shellos that stood before him and replied with " No, I lost my mummy and I don’t know where she's gone." Looking concerned Shellos thought hard about what she could do to help this poor little Mareanie. Suddenly Shellos thought of a way she could help Mareanie, "How about you come with me and we'll try find your mother?" The Mareanie stopped crying and wiped his tears away. After a short period of silence the Mareanie nodded in agreement to join Shellos to find his mother. "That’s great, cheer up we will find her I am sure, where did you last see her?" Shellos replied Kindly.

"Me and mummy were out walking around the Red Sea Markets before I got lost" Mareanie says while beginning to cry again. Shellos saw Mareanie beginning to cry again so she tried to cheer him up with some kind words, "Hey hey no need for the tears, you will be reunited with mother again soon." Shellos tried to recall where the Red Sea Markets were as she had been there before. I wonder if Mr Lanturn might remember where the Red Sea Markets were. Shellos informs Mareanie that she needs to go talk to Mr Lanturn in the Village to find out where the Red Sea Markets were. Wiping his tears away once again the Mareanie cheers up and follows the kind Shellos that agreed to help him find his mother.

They wander back into town and Shellos walks up to Mr Lanturns house and knocks on his door. After a short wait the door finally opens, "Oh, hello Shellos how can I help you?"

"I'm sorry to disturb you Mr Lanturn but I was wondering if you knew where the Red Sea Markets were located?'

"The Red Sea Markets you say, yes I know where they but why would you want to go there Shellos?"

"Would you kindly tell me where I would find them, I would like to help this young man get home to his mother."

"Oh I see you have found a Mareanie who has lost his way, well why didn't you say so I'd be happy to help."

"I appreciate it Mr Lanturn, thank you."

"The Red Sea Markets are located below the Whirl Islands but just a word of caution, the way to the Red Sea can be dangerous and it surprises me this young Mareanie got here unscathed so do be careful Shellos."

"I will Mr Lanturn and thank you again I really appeaciate your help."

Shellos said her goodbyes as she took her leave with the young Mareanie walking behind her. "We're off to the Red Sea to find your mother Mareanie, I promise you we will find her." Shellos and Mareanie reached the outer rim of the Coral Reef, but before taking her first steps on her journey to the Red Sea she looked back at her peaceful little village took in the sights as she knew she would not see it again for a while. "Ok, I think i'm ready to go."

Setting off on their way to the Red Sea, Shellos couldn't help thinking about what Lanturn had said about the path being dangerous. The Whirl Islands weren't too far away and the path there wasn't dangerous at all, it was quite the opposite. The path they took to the Whirl Islands was scenic and beautiful to walk through, a lot of Pokemon lived there from Luvdisk to Clamperl. The Pokemon in this area were lively and the sea Floor was full of beauty with all the varieties of colour of corals and flora that grew in the area. Shellos loved walking through this area as it gave her such a happy feeling because the area was lit with the sunlight above. She loved the aroma the flowers created and, while losing herself in the scenery, she noticed that the Mareanie beside her was also loving the trip through this area.

Before long they arrived at the Whirl Islands. Shellos then remembered that Lanturn said to head south from the Whirl Islands to get to the Red Sea. "Well we have reached the Whirl Islands Mareanie, how about we take a break here for lunch?" Mareanie looked up at Shellos and spoke, "Yes Miss Shellos that sounds nice." After saying that Mareanie began to smile, "I know a good place to eat, The Luvdisc Cafe." Shellos and Mareanie then headed off into the Whirl Islands in search of the Luvdisc Cafe which was known all over the Whirl Islands for there delectable food. "There it is," Shellos yelled "Now you got to think about what you would like to eat ok?" The Mareanie nodded. As they entered the Cafe, Shellos noticed that a lot of the Pokemon that were inside distanced themselves from them. Shellos stopped for a second and wondered why but after a bit didn't think much of it and continued to the counter to order their food. "Hello and welcome to Luvdisc Cafe, what would you like to order today?" A Luvdisc greeted them at the counter, "Oh hello, I would like to order some of your best Seaweed please and ahhh," Shellos pauses and turns to Mareanie who was hiding behind her. "What would you like to order little one?" Shellos asked nicely. The Luvdisc interrupted, "I'm sorry to butt in but I noticed your little friend is a Mareanie from the Veno Village in the Red Sea."

"Oh, the Veno Village so that is where we are heading,"

"Ah so you're returning him there?"

"Yes, he got separated from his mother and ended up at Coral Reef Town west of here."

"That is a fair distance from home, I wish you luck on your journey there."

"Thank you Luvdisc."

"Well we better get his strength up. I know exactly what he will like, recently molted Corsola horns."

Mareanie stopped hiding behind Shellos and bowed its head to Luvdisc as to say thank you. "You are welcome Mareanie, you will need your strength for your trip home." Luvdisc gave a smile and then vanished out back. Shellos and Mareanie went and found a place to sit and wait for there meals and while waiting Shellos looked around wondering why she and Mareanie were getting glared at. I feel like I am missing something here, these Pokemon won't stop giving us filthy looks for some reason. "I apologise for the wait, here are your meals," Luvdisc interrupts Shellos' thoughts. "Oh, thank you Luvdisc this looks delicious," Shellos replies. "My pleasure, will that be all for today?" Luvdisc asks politely. "ah, one more thing Luvdisc. I have to ask, but why are the Pokemon here seem to scared of us?" Shellos asks cautiously. "Ah, that would be because they are afraid of your friend there" Shellos stops to think for a moment, "Why would they be scared of Mareanie?" Luvdisc looked puzzled, "Are you not aware Mareanie is a poison type? Most ocean dwelling Pokemon are cautious around poison type with the fear of being poisoned by them." Shellos gives a shocked expression, "Oh i see now, that makes sense thank you Luvdisc."

"Happy to help, anything else i can help you with?"

"No, that will be all."

"I'll take my leave, enjoy your meals"

"Thank you Ms Luvdisc for the food." Mareanie Graciously replied.

"You are more then welcome Mareanie, I wish you both safe travels."

Luvdisc left her customers to eat there meals in peace. Shellos and Mareanie dug into there delicious meals and then made there way there way to the Red Sea. "Thank you for lunch Miss Shellos, it was yummy," Mareanie says with a smile on his face. "You are very welcome young man." Silence broke out as they reached the south gate into the Red Sea, this part of the ocean seemed to be a lot dimmer and gave off a dark and gloomy vibe. As they entered the Red Sea territory Shellos made certain to remain aware. The Red Sea full of dark places for things to hide. Shellos wasn't sure what to do but she carried on certain to get Mareanie home to his mother.

After walking for a while Shellos saw a light up ahead, she was sure it was a village and maybe it was the Veno Village she hoped to find Mareanies mother. As they drew closer to the light, she noticed it was only glowing algae that spread across the rocks and coral. Following the light of the algae, they eventually arrived at a huge village full of Pokemon that Shellos wasn't familiar with.

Suddenly a strange blue jellyfish like Pokemon with glowing red jewels embedded into its fore-head approached them. "Well I never thought I'd see you again Master Mareanie," said the strange Pokemon. "Tentacool!" Mareanie shouted. "Master Mareanie we have been looking all over for you, where did you end up getting lost this time?" Tentacool began to laugh. Shellos was confused, was this Veno Village then and why is this Tentacool calling him Master Mareanie?

Shellos had so many questions but before she could ask she heard some yelling in the distance. "Mareanie is that you sweety? I thought I lost you, where have you been?" Shouted a mysterious voice in the distance. "Queen Toxipex, your son has found his way home," replied the Tentacool. "Mummy," Mareanie then began to run into the village and towards Toxipex's voice.

Suddenly this large blue and purple Pokemon came running to Mareanie and then held Mareanie in its arms. "I'm so glad you're home, I was so worried about you." Toxipex asked. "I went to look for you but I got lost mummy, i was so upset," replied Mareanie, " This nice lady helped me get home because i didn't know where to go." Toxipex turned to Shellos and asked, "Is this true? You helped my son find his way home?" Shellos replied "Yes I found him crying at Coral Reef Town where I live, so I helped him get home. It was the least I could do." Toxipex gave a huge smile, " I thank you then for bringing my son home to me, that was kind of you to journey here just to return him home." Shellos smiled and then replied, "It was a nice journey and it;s nice to see him happy, well I should return home now before it gets dark." Toxipex nodded, "Thank you again and safe journey home."

Shellos said her good byes and then proceeded to make her way home, and in the distance she could hear Mareanie thanking her for returning him home which made her smile. Shellos reached Coral Reef Town safely and proceeded to enter her house and rest after a big day of adventure.

The next morning Shellos awoke from her sleep early in the morning as usual but at her surprise she found a present laying on her door step. She looked down at the little box, picked it up and opened it. By her surprise she found a shining green gem embedded in a small piece of coral, with a note attached. The note said "Thank you again for returning Mareanie to me. In return I would like you to have this emerald coral as a token of my gratitude. From Queen Toxipex." Shellos couldn't help but smile, and placed the emerald coral on her side table to remind her of her journey to Veno Village to return a young Mareanie home. Shellos was happy and always looked forward to each and every day as she never knew what awaited her next.

I would Like to submit this to Capture a Shellos please.

Rank - Simple
Target - Shellos
Character Count - 11582

 

Claim

 

WORD COUNT

You are about one thousand characters above the recommended amount, good job.

PLOT

Your plot, while simple, was interesting. I for sure haven’t read a URPG story about sea creatures trying to return home. (it was kind of like a reverse finding nemo). What I would have like to have seen was less linearity with the story. It started out at the Shellos’s house and went straight to the Mareanie’s house without any hardships. You mentioned about the path to his house being extremely dangerous, and expanding on that would have made your story all the more interesting. Having a force colliding with the protagonist serves as a way to keep the reader focused and interested on the story.

I also would have liked to see the setting more fleshed out. Throughout the story I couldn’t picture the locations they passed through in my head due to a lack of description. Having some sort of image pop out of your story into the reader’s brain can lead to discussion of the story, and can help you during the writing process so you can develop the characters within that scenario.

CHARACTERS

You had two main characters and a couple of side characters.

First off was Shellos. Shellos was a decently fleshed out character. Her lines and actions can clearly show the reader the type of person she is. All her actions fit well within the way you built her. My only gripe is that I don’t know what she looks like. You should always describe a character assuming the reader knows nothing about it. Because not everyone knows what a Shellos looks like. And it doesn’t just have to be a couple paragraphs stuck in to wherever, you can subtly place hints to her appearance in different parts of the story.

Mareanie was the second main character. Mareanie wasn’t as well fleshed out as Shellos. I couldn’t get a good understanding on his personality or appearance. I already gave you some tips on description, so here’s a few about character development. You can develop his character simply by having more dialogue between the two main characters, or just by describing his actions and thoughts in more detail. Another way is to put him in a situation and show how he reacts.

The three side characters are Mr. Lanturn, Toxapex, and Luvdisc. While side characters don’t need to be as fleshed out as main characters, it’s always nice to briefly describe them, just so the reader can have a clear understanding of the world you built.

GRAMMAR

I found quite a few grammatical errors in your story, so I’m going to go over a lot of them.

1.

After this quotation, “questioned” shouldn’t be capitalized.

2. You should make a new paragraph for every quote when two people are conversing. It makes it easier on the eyes and will help keep the reader focused.

3.

You should try this instead:

4. A lot of times you have spaces between quotations and the start of the quote. This is most likely a proofreading error, so I urge you to carefully read over your story 2-3 times before posting.

5.

You should have a comma after every transition, so this sentence should look like:

6.

This sentence is a run on. You can split it up in many ways, here’s an example:

7.

You need to use a comma instead of a period to end a quotation.

8. You got your tenses mixed up throughout the story. At some points you were using past tense and at others, present. You need to pick one and stick with it the entire time.

9. Toxapex is spelled wrong.

10. You got there, their and they’re mixed up. When referring to something as a possession, it should be “their”.

These were the 10 main grammar mistakes throughout your story. Each one happened a couple of times and I’d like you to go back and try to fix them.

RESULT

Shellos not caught. I’d really like you to go back and fix all the grammatical errors then resubmit the story.