Saving My Soul from the Depths of Elysium [WWC '15]

Saving My Soul from the Depths of Hell Elysium

Alternate Title: A Bug Catcher's Life

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No matter how many times he looked at it, the Ilex Forest shrine never ceased to captivate. Throughout the forest, evergreen oak grew so closely together that the canopy would block out most of the sun, but here, right where the shrine was placed, the canopy opened up, basking the whole area in a golden glow. Knees to the ground, the man removed his cap and bowed his head; his breathing slowed and his thoughts stilled as he offered his respects to the time traveler...

***

He was a boy now, in a room that was all-too-familiar. The golden light filtered in through windows, illuminating the dust swirling through the air. A group of children sitting at desks looked forward, paying close attention to their teacher. She spoke animatedly, and she was just as interested in what she was saying as the children were.

"Now can anyone tell me about the Voice of the Forest?" The boy's view of the teacher was briefly obscured as hands shot up, each hoping to be called upon. "Allie, what do you know about Azalea Town's oldest legend?"

A black-haired girl piped up, excited to share her knowledge with everyone. "Celebi is a powerful Pokémon that lives in Ilex Forest. It travels through time, making sure the forest is always safe. It's rare, but when a Celebi is seen, you know everything is well-protected."

"I've heard Celebi exist in other places, too!" "My dad says Celebi is actually weak; it's even scared of bugs!" "Has anyone really seen a Celebi before?" Energetic kids wanted to share their thoughts and opinions, too, and the teacher smiled as the classroom became noisy with interest.

"Now, listen up! Any of this could be on your history test so be prepared and take notes! The legend of the Voice of the Forest is pretty much as Allie said. Researchers think Celebi is a legendary Pokémon that stays away from humans because it is so peaceful. That being said, there have been many claims of spotting Celebi in Ilex Forest, though not all of them are kind. Turn to page 30 of your history books."

The rustling of pages was the only audible sound in the room until she continued. "Throughout Azalea Town's history, numerous people have tried to find Celebi. The first one to do so was a dangerous warrior from a foreign nation hundreds of years ago..." The boy's eyes and mind wandered outside, dreaming of forests and warriors and fairy protectors.

***

He ran home awkwardly this time, making sure the fraying sole of his left shoe didn't drag across the ground and trip him. The boy raced past houses, the gym, the kiln that always smelled of charcoal, his speed a sharp contrast to the Slowpokes that crawled throughout town. The golden light was reason enough to smile and he did so, at least until he neared a small apartment on the edge of town. The boy sobered, and he removed his backpack and shoes before walking slowly up to the door.

He opened it quietly, to a room filled with a different kind of light. The walls glowed sickly white from their weak television and a sickly, soft breathing could be heard coming from the sofa; his father was undoubtedly asleep. He crept through the room, behind the sofa, taking pains to ensure he didn't wake his father. A quick change of clothes in his own dark room, and he was immediately out the way he came. In his haste, though, he made more noise than he should have.

The breathing stopped sharply and movement on the sofa could be heard. "Hey. HEY!!"

He was scared, but the boy was used to this by now. He slammed the door open, picked up his shoes and pack, and ran away from the house as fast as he could, more than eager to spend the rest of the day away from that place.

***

He met with Caterpie at their usual spot, a stunted tree that would never grow as large as the timeless oaks throughout the rest of Ilex. The boy's smile finally returned, and he hugged the chirping worm as it crawled up to meet him. As he set Caterpie back on the ground, it inspected his shoe as well as a Caterpie could.

"Piiiiii!!" Leaning towards the boy's shoe, it blasted a sticky secretion over the fray, quickly sealing it shut. The boy watched in wonder as it did so and in even more wonder when the Caterpie looked up at him happily afterwards. He offered his arm to the worm, who promptly began crawling up to his shoulder. "Piiii!!"

They ventured deeper into the forest, the golden light fading with each step. Their imagination brightened to make up for it, though, and with each step the boy and his Caterpie were something different. They were heroes, pirates, official Pokémon researchers, foreign warriors in search of the ancient protector, Celebi. Caterpie's pink feelers were constantly active, always leading the way to their next quest, and the boy was on the lookout, making sure no enemies could creep on them.

A couple hours a later, their goal was in sight; the Ilex Forest shrine and its brilliant light lay directly ahead.

"RREEEEEEEEE"

An enemy! The boy snapped his head upwards to see a Pidgeotto swooping down at him. For a brief moment, he believed it to still be a dream, but reality and reflexes stirred him to move.

"Piiii!!" He and Caterpie hit the ground, narrowly avoiding the bird's talons. He froze, face stuck in that mess of leaves and fern, cold possessing his muscles and mind. His head hurt, but that wasn't something he'd worry about for some time. The boy was too scared to scream.

"RREEEEEEEEE"

Terror pumped life into his body, and he scrambled up, running as fast as any eight-year-old kid could towards the shrine. Some clouded section of his mind associated the shrine with protection, and maybe deep down he hoped that Celebi would come to save him and Caterpie. If he did think that, though, he didn't show it; the boy dove underneath the shrine and laid still, waiting for the bird to find a way to reach him.

"PIIIII!!!"

As soon as he heard the call, he knew he had left Caterpie behind.

"PIIIIIIIII!!!"

The boy shut his eyes, waiting in the darkness of the shrine, hoping, hoping. He couldn't go out and face the bird-of-prey or he'd get hurt, just as he was hurt every day at home. If only the Protector would come....

"PIIIII!!!"

Caterpie's cries were getting softer now, farther away. And as he realized what he had done and that no Protector had ever arrived, the boy's own crying became more intense, the sound muffled by the dirt he buried his face in.

***

No, the shrine never did cease to captivate him. He always found himself drawn here sooner or later, and the natural quiet of the area always led to reminiscing. His meditation was interrupted however; a scream from deeper within the forest rang out, most likely from someone in need. The Ranger put his cap back on and stood up, taking a deep breath as he did so. One last look at the quaint tribute to the mythical Celebi and he was off, making the dash towards danger, ready to do his part in protecting the forest.

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Caterpie (Easiest)
CC: ~6917

 

snagged.

 

@Seppe;

Elysium Grade. Sorry it took a little bit; work and all that jazz, you know how it is.

Intro

This is a sort story, so it makes sense that the introduction is sort of short. I like the framework that you set up with the present/flashback/present.

Most people are split on flashbacks—some lean on the disliking side. There are a lot of “rules” about them, which also makes sense because a bad flashback at the wrong time can kill a story. The rules claim to not start with them, to not have them too soon, too often, nor elaborate about character traits that can be displayed in the current time instead. I've read a lot of writing books and they all claim a lot of the same stuff as I've heard too.

But I only believe in one absolute when it comes to writing—and that is that there are none. To that end, I don't mind flashbacks, especially if they lend purpose to what's happening in the “now” or present action. I think in this case, I wanted a little bit more connection to the now in the very beginning. It may have been slightly too short.

This could perhaps be a lack of detail about the character, since “man” is pretty vague, and with your set up, I initially pictured an old man near end of life reflecting, which, after coming to the end of the story, I found out to be false, so it was a little jarring.

Perhaps a little more hinting at how significant that place was would've generated a little more intrigue. Because while the Celebi is important in the shrine, Celebi is not actually crucial to the lesson that the boy learned when he was young—he actually learned not to depend on the forest protector at all, that the legend didn't come to save his friend and ultimately, he had to take up that mantle himself. That being said, him offering respect for Celebi makes sense, but it's sort of counter-intuitive to what he actually learned.

Plot

Overall, the plot was good. It was appropriate for this rank of story for sure. He learned a life lesson while the readers also got hints about his cruddy home life.

There were a couple areas I think you could've slowed down on a little—to increase the dramatic impact. The first part was the conflict with the bird. The whole Pidgeotto scene moved really quickly, and while action is in theory like that, this is where the emotional weight of your story is. It's worth dwelling on a little bit.

For action scenes, it's said that shorter, choppier sentences can heighten tension and seem quicker/snappier. That would've maybe been mirroring how the boy felt at the time—singular thoughts: react to bird, dropping to the ground, running, hiding. Simple tasks because he could only focus on one thing at a time.

You can use paragraph breaks to the same end. Making another break forces the eye to slow down before it can continue reading—sort of like mini-cliffhangers. They delay, ever-so-slightly, the reader from finding out what happens, and that can increase the thrill the reader feels. The same theory goes for those shorter sentences. Longer ones tend to and, if really long, can sweep a lot of action up into one line. It doesn't really focus necessarily on each individual action but more in how all of them flow together and progress. And I think for this, in this action scene, especially for a child character, the smaller moments are more important (especially because the story is short).

Another part was the boy's reaction when he realized what had happened to the Caterpie. This is another part where you could've used paragraph breaks and shorter sentences to your advantage. A lot of things happen in just the two sentences there: Caterpie finally leaving sight, that the boy realized he abandoned his friend, that there was no protector, him starting to cry, and then panning out as he sat there for a while.

This could definitely be slowed down and detailed a little more—this is the point which he learns about the circle of life and is the trigger for his future career. These are important details, and the reason the story exists at all. Take advantage of it. You do a great job leading up to that moment; now that you've got the readers there, you can really manipulate their emotions (in a good way!).

I think that would've also made your ending stronger. It is sort of implied what he learned, especially about the nature of creatures, but there's still a little bit of a gap. As a reader, I wanted to see more evidence that something had sunk into the boy. Otherwise it feels like there's a bit of a gap between being that boy in the woods and him being a Ranger.

Description/Detail

Overall, I think that you covered most of the bases, especially for a story of this rank. The nature details were especially nice, and fitting, since this took place in Ilex Forest. The subtle cues were nice too, like how you never really spelled out that he was probably abused at home, physically and mentally.

However, like I mentioned earlier, the physical details surrounding the boy and man were sort of sparse. I can totally see why a writer would do this as well—in many stories, it's common to be vague on purpose so that the reader can fit themselves into those shoes easily. That happens a lot especially in childrens' books.

I don't think that exactly works here though, since the character is a boy and he's shown to be a solid character at the end as well in having a purpose as a Ranger. I said before that the beginning threw me off regarding his age too; I expected an old man but got a middle-aged one instead. Age is not something a writer should have to spell out, but I think a few more physical details would've helped out just a little bit.

Of course, you don't want to give too much away—like his Ranger status—but just a few indicators would've been nice: hair, build, posture (other than the bowed head). Then you won't surprise people in a bad way.

Mechanics/Grammar

Nothing too major worth noting here. I will mention a couple things that weren't big issues here but might help you out in later stories.

The first is in the classroom with all the children's voices speaking about Celebi. In a line like they are is sort of clunky and distracting to see. Normally, when I read something like that happening, with either multiple people trying to talk at once or people firing off one line after the next, they're given their own paragraph, since they'er technically a new speaker. This would've also helped distinguish there were multiple people as well as when the teacher started talking again, like this:

The other thing is regarding your flashbacks and page breaks. Sometimes, flashbacks are denoted in italics or something to denote the past—this is especially helpful if you have page breaks within the flashback, as you do here with the school, home, and forest scenes.

The other way I've seen is to just have page breaks around the flashback area or a different style of page breaks within the flashback. The point for any of the methods is clarity—you want the reader to still know they're within a flashback so they don't get confused and think you came back to the present time. It wasn't a big deal here, but in a longer story, it might've been.

Length

About 6,918, like you mentioned, with the breaks and things, which is more than enough.

Realism/Miscellaneous

I will say that your title is a liiiitle dramatic, but the sub-title is a little more fitting haha. I expected something totally dramatic and adventurous and such from the title, so it was slightly misleading, but not really enough to write home about XD

Result

Spoiler

For an Easiest mon, this story definitely fits the requirements. You have some good words in you, so I'd like to see you write some more stories, since iirc, this was your first one.

Caterpie: Captured