Ruby Red

Spoiler

Target Pokémon: Staryu
Ranks: Hard
Target CC: 20-30K
CC: 22580
Notes: Warning for Pokémon abuse and all that bad stuff. Also, I kinda edited this together out of fragments from other stories I had started so it may or may not be coherent.

Bunnelby's eyes were screwed shut. There were pellets of dirt rattling again them, the same soil that had been dislodged and shaken loose by Bunnelby's bullet-fast progress through the ground. He didn't need his eyes to see. He had his ears.

A Bunnelby's ears are highly perceptive sensory organs, but unlike the eyes they do not need to avoid dirt. They cherish it, revel in it, love it, listen to it. Similar to the echolocation used by night-flying Noivern and Swoobat, they can paint a picture of their underground surroundings using only the faintest rattles and echoes that resonate through the earth until they sound like waves thundering and crashing against Bunnelby's ears.

A scritching-scratching noise. Probably coming from the burrow of a bug Pokémon nearby. Bunnelby momentarily swerved from his path and angled himself towards the noise before righting himself. No. Wild Pokémon reacted like that, he told himself sternly. You're not wild. Not anymore. You have a trainer and that trainer has given you a mission.

His mission was simple. At least, it had sounded simple when his trainer had given if to him above ground in a strong, commanding voice. Now he was using most of his strength to keep himself from torpedoing away from his target towards every little noise he heard. It was a struggle to conjure clear thoughts and memories after all of the energy he was already expending. What was his mission again?

The question, and its disconcerting lack of an answer, nearly sent Bunnelby into a panic. His trainer was trusting him to do something very important. What was it again? He remembered that it was underground and that it was extremely important.

His tunneling progress slowed to a near halt as he struggled to recover the precious memories. Many species of Pokémon lack a specific memory, because they never evolved a need for one. Because Bunnelby never need to think in the past tense in the wild, they don't need to remember anything. Sure, they can remember skills or dangers to be avoided, but specific events are beyond them.

Bunnelby screwed his eyes shut a bit tighter as he searched his blank memory. His master wouldn't be happy with him if he returned empty-handed, that was certain. His ears twitched in distress, spraying dirt everywhere instead of scooping it neatly into the newly dug tunnel behind him as they were meant to do.

You know this is very important to me, don't you, Bunnelby? You get that. There's something very important hidden underground, and I need you to get it. It will make me a very, very rich man if you can manage that.

A frown twitched across Bunnelby's whiskered face for a fraction of a second. Yes, that was his master's voice, echoed in his mind, but why couldn't he remember the thing? Why couldn't he remember what his trainer wanted him to find and deliver?

--

Julius Sinclair was not a nice man. He was aware of this fact, and far from avoiding it, chose to embrace it. This was dangerous, for both him as his illegal exploits often placed him in the line of fire, and for his helpless victims.

At the moment, Sinclair was waiting for a useless little bunny Pokémon he'd caught that was apparently pretty good at digging to dig up a chest of his special gems that he'd buried right before his most recent (and most unpleasant to date) stint in prison. As he sat, feet tapping impatiently against the grassy ground, he remembered with twisted fondness how his life had become what it now was.

--

Sinclair had gotten the idea several years ago, when he noticed a sudden trend of gaudy, glittery jewelry. He believed that the trend could mean big bucks for him, but he was too poor at the time to worry too much about investing in such things. It was, at the time, no more than a passing interest that just might guide him towards the money he needed so very badly. He desperately needed an income. He was living in a shack on a stretch of deserted seashore that he had discovered. It stank of fish and salt and every board creaked even at the slightest pressure, not to mention that sand got everywhere.

Sinclair was reclining in a makeshift hammock made of salt-stiffened rope strung up outside of his home when he saw it. Just a little thing, glittering down in the sand, half-buried in a miniature dune. A shimmering red orb, winking and shining under the light of the sun. It twinkled up at him as if to say hello, would you please pick me up and make money off of me?

Sinclair reached down, almost shyly, and brushed the annoyingly obscuring sand away from the jewel. As it was excavated, however, it became clear that the gem did not come with no strings attached. Five stiff appendages protruded from his prize, scarring and sucking away the perfect beauty embedded in the center.

Sinclair glared at the object in his hands as though his mere gaze would be enough to bend it to his will. The object remained stiffly immobile. The gem didn't simply fall out as he had been hoping it would. That would save him some trouble.

--

Julius Sinclair's first encounter with a Staryu was one that had died a week previously, after it was dislodged from its barnacle-like perch on a boat by a razor-sharp stone that scraped across the hull. It had floated, helpless, incapable of gaining purchase against the sandy bottom of the ocean floor or the slimy rocks protruding from it, until it eventually washed up on land. The sun quickly dried it and seared the life from its body.

Normally, a Wingull would quickly snatch up such a treat as soon as it became available, but shortly after the Staryu had washed ashore a massive hurricane had slammed into the land, grounding the hungry birds and generating the gusty winds that buried the Staryu corpse in thick, fine sand.

Not that Sinclair knew any of this at the time. He would later refine his Staryu-hunting skills until they were a talent in their own right, but at the very beginning he was oblivious to the many dangers and subtleties of poaching. He was only aware of the fact that there was a jewel, possibly many of them, free for the taking at his feet. That was all he cared to be aware of.

--

So it was a coincidence of fate that had joined Julius Sinclair and his destiny, he considered as he waited for the wretched Bunnelby to reappear. It had not done much to prove its worth thus far, even though the miner that he had spoken to about finding buried treasure had said to use a Bunnelby.

The miner had conveniently forgotten to mention a rather important piece of information, and Sinclair was now suffering for it, although he was unaware of this fact. Pokémon that are to be used as tools need to be broken of their wild natures first, or they quickly forget their purpose as a trained Pokémon and their habits override any brief training they may have received.

--
When Staryu move on their own, they can propel themselves with a jet of water- however, it isn't common to see a Staryu floating free. Because their lack of camouflage and eye-catching jewelry makes them so noticeable, the open water is a hazard for Staryu. They are more commonly found clinging barnacle-like to the safety of a boat or a dock.

If a larger Staryu hugs a dock support for long enough, the structure can capsize. Staryu can be two feet in diameter if they're left to grow long enough. Of course, with a poaching boom, many are caught before they ever get near that size. The smaller gems are preferable. They're easier to make into rings.

The easiest way to hunt Staryu is to dive under the boats in the harbor and scrape them off. Unfortunately, one has to do this at night when it is hard to see. Otherwise, one might get arrested for poaching. These were all lessons that Sinclair learned the hard way during his early days.

Luckily, there was a trick to it. There were a lot of tricks when it came to poaching, because pretty much nothing could be done honestly. The trick was simply to wait for a night when there were no clouds and the sky blazed with stars. Then, the core of the Staryu would flash and twinkle like an underwater star, giving itself away.

It was on one of these diving stints that Sinclair was arrested. He spent a few years in prison for vandalism, although he had hidden the gems away beforehand to save them from being seized by the cops. There was no evidence that could convict him of poaching.

--

At around the same time, a woman named Liza Seine was very upset. Her source had stopped sending her the gems he referred to as omega rubies. She was upset because the sale of the stones, both alone, as simple trinkets or embedded into the twisting strands of a necklace or bracelet, had recently boomed and her company, Diancie Jewelers, needed a fresh shipment that was supposed to have arrived yesterday.

The crate that he had promised had never come, and people were starting to complain. More importantly, her employers were worried about all the money they might be losing every moment they weren't selling the rubies. Any day now, the fad might end, and they would lose the chance to make up for lost sales. Liza was lying on a beach with her eyes closed, trying to relax and clear her mind but finding it impossible.

The feel of a rock poking into her leg brought her back to reality, and she pushed herself upwards to move the annoying thing away. She didn't see a rock. She saw a Pokémon.

And sitting in its heart was a round, red, unmistakable omega ruby.

Liza stumbled backwards, away from the offending evidence. A number popped into her head unbidden. Five thousand, four hundred and fifty-three. That's how many omega rubies had been sold last month. Just by her store. And they had ordered twice as many for this month. Her head swam.

Five thousand, four hundred and fifty-three. She leaned forward and picked up the struggling Pokémon. It was trying hopelessly to propel itself back to the safety of the water. She gently set it into a tide pool and watched as it spun itself around happily. She supposed many water Pokémon never survived coming up onto land. She pulled a Poke Ball out of her pocket and easily captured the weakened Pokémon. For whatever reason, it didn't seem to resist.

Five thousand, four hundred and fifty-three. Was every single gem the once-beating crystal heart of a Pokémon?

Five thousand, four hundred and fifty-three. She sat down hard on the soft beach, sending a plume of hot sand into the air. Who had been sending in those shipments of stones? She suddenly realized she'd never heard him- or her- called by their name, and the business conversations were done over phone or email. She'd figured that the seller was just frightened someone would discover their tactics.

Five thousand, four hundred and fifty-three. How much money had her store made off of the bloody stones? Did her employers know? Did anyone know? Anyone, anyone at all besides her?

Five thousand, four hundred and fifty-three. She was suddenly glad that the new shipment hadn't come on time. If it had, more helpless creatures would be dead, and she wouldn't have come down to the beach and discovered the struggling little creature. She wouldn't have discovered the truth.

--

A frown was carved into Sinclair's face. He was thinking about the bad times, when Liza had discovered that the beach was being used as someone's hunting ground. Apparently, she also worked for one of the jewelry companies he sent the stones to. He'd called her up, tried to bribe her to stop lurking there. It was making it nigh impossible for him to do his job. He recalled it hadn't gone well.

"Hello," he'd said.

"Hello, Diancie Jewelers. Who's this and how may I direct your call?" she answered in a bored receptionist voice. It had taken him a couple tries before the right lady answered the phone.

"I just want to talk to you, darling," he'd promised. From his vantage point near the main building of Diancie Jewelers, he could see her frown. No doubt she received plenty of creepy phone calls, pretty as she was. He paused for a moment to admire her sandy brown hair. It perfectly matched the beach he was trying to rescue from her.

He snapped out of his reverie when he saw her setting the phone down. "Wait, wait, Miss Seine. This isn't a come-on. It's a matter of business, but you need to handle it."

She raised the phone back up to her ear, her lovely sea-green eyes squinting in suspicion. "Why?"

"Because I believe you're the one that's been patrolling my favorite beach."

She sat up ramrod straight, her full attention on the other end of the line. "You're the poacher?"

"I'm hurt, Miss Seine. I prefer the term 'resourceful hunter'. But yes, I do utilize my particular talents at that location and your presence there is becoming bothersome." Sinclair liked using big words, especially since they didn't match his unkempt appearance.

Liza tried to filter the fear out of her voice. She was not wholly successful. "I've been watching the beach for months. Why haven't you spoken before now?"

"Because before now I was in jail. Now I'm out and itching to get back in the game. Could you pretty please let me be then?" he asked in a mock-pleading tone.

She slammed the phone down without a further word. He watched as she stomped on a circle behind her desk, worked her rage out on a stress ball sitting on her desk, and finally took a few deep breaths. Fascinating.

--

Some days later, Liza Seine bumped into a strange young man on the way home from work. He wasn't particularly nice or sweet, but there was something almost magnetic about him. Something dark and mysterious. She found herself fascinated, and they scheduled dinner.

He'd said his name was Julius. Nice name, Julius. Old-fashioned. She wondered if Julius Sinclair was as antiquated as his name was. She doubted it.

They'd eaten at a little diner near the seafront, where there was a lot of seafood served. He'd ordered fish and asked her if she liked aquatic food. She'd replied that she used to, but recently her appetite had been spoiled.

He'd looked at her as though her simple answer was very, very interesting to him.

--

Liza Seine found out who he was. He was never quite sure how she did it, but she went through court records, found men who had been arrested right around when the shipments had stopped and released recently. There weren't many. All she had to do after that was look at the charges for poaching. It was a shame their relationship never got to go anywhere. She really was pretty.

Sinclair smirked. The resourceful little minx had tried many times over the years to put him away, but she'd always lacked substantial evidence. They'd had so many trials that the tabloids began to speculate (correctly) that she was his scorned lover out for vengeance. She'd succeeded once or twice, but never for long periods of time. She'd gotten him for theft, vandalism, and black market sales, but the felony charge of poaching remained frustratingly and tantalizingly out of reach. The jail time would be even longer now that Staryu were endangered, Sinclair reflected.

Not that that was enough to deter him. He just needed the box holding his map of good hunting spots and all the stones he hadn't been able to sell before being locked up. He'd painstakingly buried the box before each trial and dug it up again later. This time he'd decided to utilize Pokémon labor, which was proving to be a mistake. The Bunnelby should be back with it already. Where was it?

--

The Bunnelby had found his target, after much delay and confusion. It was a lightweight metal box, tucked deep into the earth. It was small enough for him to cradle in his paws, and it clattered when he moved it.

"Be careful with the cargo. It's very valuable."

Right, it was something very special. He held it tightly against his chest and let his ears start digging before he suddenly realized that he had no idea where to go back to.

Bunnelby fill their tunnels behind them, by scooping dirt backwards with their massive shovel-like ears. This is necessary, because otherwise there is no place to put the displaced dirt. Worm Pokémon can eat the dirt, but it exits behind them anyways and mammal Pokémon's digestive systems can't handle that. This isn't terribly convenient for backtracking, but since Bunnelby generally just tunnel freely, nature didn't program the ability to backtrack into their instincts.

Bunnelby had his prize, but he didn't know where to go with it.

--

Liza Seine was tending her garden. There was a Starmie standing proudly beside her, shooting water onto the plants. It had evolved from the sad creature she'd rescued from the burning beach sand several months ago, gaining height and the ability to live out of water. She still fussed over her only Pokémon like a mother, ordering it around and worrying incessantly when it stayed out of its Poke Ball too long. The Pokémon never seemed to mind, but maybe that was because it was incapable of facial expressions.

Liza had started the garden as a hobby to pass the time while she waited for the rat, Sinclair, to get out of jail again. She'd lost her job working at the jewelry company and enjoyed getting the fresh air that her garden provided. She still took daily walks down to the beach and searched for the face she'd only ever seen behind a defendant's table, as well as checking to see whether any other Pokémon were flopping helplessly on the shore.

Her friends and family had wondered why she couldn't let Sinclair go. Was it true what the magazines had accused them of? She'd said no, the reason she couldn't let him go was that if she did, she was afraid of what he might do. She rested a hand on the tip of Starmie's head, or uppermost point. She supposed its mind would be in the center of its body, where the gem was. Or maybe it was the gem. How many people had walked around with starfish brains on their necklaces without knowing it?

"I hope you understand, don't you?" she asked the starfish Pokémon suddenly. She'd taken up the habit of talking to her Pokémon when she got lonely. It never replied, of course, but she had a theory that it could understand her. Psychic Pokémon are the most intelligent of all, or so they say.

"The reason I can't let him go is because I hate him and I love him. I love the games we play, but at the same time I wish it would end.

"I'm happy here, you know? There's trees and flowers, but you can still smell the spring air and the saltwater. I bet you like to smell the ocean, don't you, since that's where you came from. Where all of your kind came from before he took them away. You know that's not something that can be forgiven."

Liza was silent for a moment, considering not for the first or last time the immense number of Staryu that must have died in order to make one man rich. Starmie sensed that she was in pain- it couldn't communicate through words, but it knew the basics of psychic communication well enough. Anger, betrayal and grief were radiating off of its trainer in waves.

Starmie sent a calming thought to her, although it wasn't nearly as strong as her distress. It realized suddenly that she was trapped in a memory, and it was locked out of her mind.

--

"You must understand, the profit margin alone has brought us into a league with Slateport Stones and Fossils Inc.! No other company has these gems and everyone wants them! Please, Liza, this could mean big things for us. For you," her boss begged, ending on a hopeful note.

Liza hated herself for hesitating when she heard the unveiled bribe. She'd been trying to make it in the jewelry business for years, and the best she'd ever been able to do was a secretary. What if...no. Her boss was paid in blood money every time her paycheck came. She wouldn't be the same way.

"You expect me to turn a blind eye to mass murder in exchange for a few extra dollars per month?"

"You're being unreasonable. It wouldn't just be a few extra dollars, as you put it- you could be head of any division you wanted. You've got dirt on us now, and that's the only way people get ahead in this business anyways," her boss suggested.

Her boss was named Beth Lolys. Her hair was done up in a businesslike bun and her features were pinched sharp. She constantly tapped her clipboard with a red pen, as though Liza was just another issue she itched to cross off of her list. She stared at the paper before her like the woman confronting her wasn't good enough to meet her gaze.

"If you made me the head of a division, I'd do everything wrong," Liza taunted, trying to draw her boss's eyes up to meet her. "Maybe I'd accidentally release a statement involving your bloody little secret."

A smirk was etched into Beth's face as she looked up at last. "Good luck with that. It'll be quite hard for you to get people to believe you now that you're fired. I bet you're just trying to strike a low blow against your poor, victimized former employers. They probably had to fire you on grounds of bad behavior- no, make that inappropriate behavior. Now you're trying desperately to discredit them while they just continue doing what they do best- improving people's lives."

"You wouldn't."

"I just did. Do you think I haven't had a parade of righteous girls just like you storming through this office because they think we're doing something wrong? I'm sure that if someone looked hard enough, they'd notice a slight resemblance between a Staryu gem and an omega ruby, but that's not what they want to see. They won't take the similarity seriously. They'll be too fascinated by out newest sale."

Her boss had smiled like a shark. "I suggest you go before you embarrass yourself any further."

--

Liza sighed and leaned back against the slowly creaking fence that lined her garden. She'd erected it herself to keep pests away, and she thought she hadn't done a very good job because there were sections of it that wobbled dangerously in strong winds.

A lump of grass suddenly shifted and Liza sighed. Something had tunneled under the fence again. She promised herself that some time she would hire someone to actually build her a good fence that would keep the little creatures out.

"Get out of here, you little... oh..." she started before her voice broke and faltered. The bunny Pokémon that had tunneled into backyard was cradling something in its paws. The name carved on it confirmed it was something she'd been looking for for a long, long time.

"Julius Sinclair, what have you been up to?" she murmured as she gently removed the box from the rabbit's tired grasp. She flipped it open and smiled widely for the first time in days.

"Starmie, please take that Bunnelby into the house and get him comfortable. I'm going to call the District Attorney."

 

By the power vested in me by the great and powerful Smiles, I hereby claim this story. (Are we still claiming things? Someone should tell me if we're not still claiming things.) I've read it and I'll have the grade up by Sunday at the latest.

 

In this analysis, I'd like to focus on the way you laid out the scenes that make up your story. As I read through the story, there were times when I was a little apprehensive about the narrative structure. I felt you were jumping from scene to scene and switching points-of-view a little too often. Ruby Red has a distinct narrative style, and I'm going to touch on how your plot development differed from the average story. I'm going to point out a few places where I felt the story's structure detracted from my immersion in the plot, but I will also mention one place where I thought your narrative structure worked very well! Finally, I have some more general feedback on your plot and character development. All in all, I thought the way you laid out your story was fitting, but a second pass might have helped to work out the kinks.



In some cases, it was difficult to tell whether the events in your story were happening in the present or in flashbacks. I'd like to draw attention to the following two passages:

These passages follow each other in the story, but I had a hard time figuring out when they happened in relation to the present. The first passage begins, "Sinclair had gotten the idea several years ago," so that's clear enough. It seems to tell the story of the first time Sinclair met a Staryu and realized their gems might be valuable if sold as jewelry. The next passage, however, claims to tell the real story of the first time Sinclair met a Staryu. I was a little confused until I realized that the second passage was just giving more detail about the Staryu that appeared in the first.

There are two factors that contributed to my confusion. First, the dashes that separated the passage made it seem as though these passages were meant to be distinct scenes, since that's how you use them elsewhere in the story. Secondly, both passages begin with references to a specific time. "Julius Sinclair's first encounter with a Staryu" sounds like the introduction to a new scene in a new time period, rather than a continuation of the preceding scene.

So, there are two things to keep in mind for the next time you write a story in this style. For one, don't feel too pressured to break up every scene with dashes. Even if this second passage had been a flashback, it wouldn't have needed to be separated from the preceding passage like that. Giving a new frame of reference for the time period like "the first time Julius met a Staryu" would give me enough information to know the story is shifting to a different setting. That being said, since the second passage was not a new scene, I would suggest that you take a second look at the way you establish setting in your stories.

In that second passage, it would have been appropriate to reference the preceding one, saying something like, "That had been Julius Sinclair's first encounter with a Staryu," or "Julius didn't know it, but that Staryu had died just a week previously." The antecedent "That" makes it clear you're adding more information to what came beforehand, rather than starting a new scene. Unless you're taking your writing style from The Sound and the Fury (a novel I wholeheartedly recommend), make sure your audience knows when the scenes in your story occur in relation to each other!



I was also concerned about your narrative structure because it led you to introduce information that was not necessarily relevant to the story. In the second passage above, for example, you give extra details about how the Staryu in the first passage died—information which no character in the story actually knew, and which happened before any of the other events in the story. I feel I should talk about more than those two passages in this grade, however, so for this section, I'm going to focus on the following:

I'd like to call attention to two traits this passage exhibits: First, the beginning of the passage gives information about how Staryu live that your audience doesn't necessarily need to know. Later, you bring in Sinclair and give information that is important, about how he ended up in prison and hid his gems beforehand, but which still feels removed from the story that surrounds it.

You could resolve both of these problems by working them into the plot. The details you give about Staryu aren't bad in and of themselves. They would fit better as part of a scene filled with action, however. For example, you could have reworked this passage into a scene where you show Sinclair going on a Staryu hunt. In that sort of scene, it would be appropriate to show him noticing that the Staryu mostly cling to the bottom of boats, or show him thinking that even though all the Staryu he's found are rather small, it's okay because those gems will be easier to make into rings. Similarly, rather than telling me that the easiest way to hunt Staryu is by diving under the boats and telling me that Sinclair got arrested on one of these diving stints, you could have shown this scene in action. Since you jump between the present and flashbacks so often, this would have fit perfectly in your story! It would also have been a great place for some of the awesome descriptions in your story, like this one (which I loved!):

The trick was simply to wait for a night when there were no clouds and the sky blazed with stars. Then, the core of the Staryu would flash and twinkle like an underwater star, giving itself away.

So to reiterate, as you're switching scenes and coming up with details you want to convey to your audience, consider whether they might fit better in a scene where you can show them in action, either to build up your setting or your characters.



The ending of your story is where your narrative structure really began to shine. At first, I wasn't sure where the story was going. I was so invested in what was going to happen to Bunnelby at the very beginning, but the story rapidly switched points-of-view to focus on other characters. Over time, though, you continued to work in details about Bunnelby's mission which satisfied my itch to know what was going on in the present, and I was pleasantly surprised when he ended up in Liza's garden in the end! Actually, your Bunnelby sections will serve as a very good example about what I discussed in my last section. In this passage, you spent some time talking about how Bunnelby are not instinctively programmed to backtrack:

Like the Staryu details I brought up, this passage contains information about Bunnelby that might have seemed superfluous to your audience. You made it interesting, however, because it was an integral part of the action of the story. What's even more impressive is that it foreshadowed the ending—instead of bringing the box back to Sinclair for the big reveal of what's inside, Bunnelby ends up in Liza's garden, the last place Sinclair would have wanted him to go. Your Bunnelby sections and the scenes that led up to the ending all worked together spectacularly.



In concluding, I'd like to let you know that I really enjoyed the plot of your story. The central idea, a character who rips out Staryu gems to sell as jewelry, was a great innovation. I think that by organizing your story into more scenes where Stuff[sup]TM[/sup] happens, you could really have made Sinclair into quite the villain. I particularly would have liked to see more interaction between Sinclair and Liza. In the story as you've laid it out, Bunnelby comes across as the only clear protagonist. I think Liza could have been a more prominent character from the beginning, making Sinclair more of an antagonist. Though I loved the way you used Bunnelby, the human characters could have used some more representation and development.



Grade: Pass

You get Starmie!



In summary, I talked about the following aspects of your narrative structure:

• Ensure it's clear when the events of your story happen in relation to each other.
• Work details/descriptions into scenes where something is happening, even if it's just a character looking around, rather than just telling your audience.
• Try to make it clear who your protagonist is, and develop your characters more by showing them acting and interacting.

This was a good story, and I look forward to seeing more in the future!