Rocky's Adventure Chapter 1: Fire vs Water

[/URL][/IMG]​

One morning in April 2010, in New Bark Town, Rocky knew, that this was it, his time to shine and his time to start a new adventure.

The day before, a Pokéball came through the post along with $3000. In the pokéball, was a Cyndaquil, a small little fire mouse Pokémon, it was still quite young, about a week old, but Rocky could tell that it was quite a powerful Pokémon and is already aquainted with it.

After eating his breakfast and packed his bag ready for the long journey, he was ready to leave, but not after his father stopped him to give him 5 Pokéballs and a Potion in order to survive.

Rocky said goodbye to his parents and left for the long journey ahead.

After walking through Route 29 with his Cyndaquil for a while, he decided that things were quite uneventful, so he put on his favourite song on the radio on his Pokégear that is only on Fridays: Sinnoh Sound. It reminded him of his old home in Twinleaf Town before him and his family moved to Johto.

Suddenly, from behind him he heard a rustle in the grass.
"Who's there?" asked Rocky
"It's me! Ryan!" came a familiar voice.
"Oh, hi Ryan, so, you started your journey too?" Rocky replied
"Come on, we've been friends since 1999" answered Ryan
"Yeah" said Rocky, "and rivals"
"That's because you try and beat me at everything" explained Ryan
"No" replied Rocky, "It's the other way round, I'm not competitive at all."
"Anyway" said Ryan, avoiding the subject, "What Pokémon did you start with?"
"You can't see?" said Rocky, "this is my Cyndaquil"
"Quil" said the Cyndaquil
"Oh, well this is my Chinchou" replied Ryan
"Chin chou chin chin" shouted out Chinchou.
"So, what are you listening to?" asked Ryan.
"Um...Sinnoh Sound" replied Rocky, "It reminds me of back home."
"Yeah, I know the feeling" responded Ryan, "Hey! I know! We should have a battle now!"
"Now? But you'll win!" replied Rocky incredulously, "I'm not stupid, I know about type advantages"

They both heard a noise from above, there was what appeared to be a tennis ball gliding through the air. Ryan looked at his Pokédex:
Natu, the Tiny Bird Pokémon, Because its wings aren't yet fully grown, it has to hop to get around. It is always staring at something.
"A Natu!" shouted Ryan excited, "I'm going to catch it, let's have a battle later, promise!" as he ran after it.
"OK!" shouted Rocky after him, "Promise!" As he watched Ryan's Chinchou chase after him.

Another piece of grass made a noise.
"Who's there?" asked Rocky again.
"Bui bui" came the reply, and an orange weasel hopped out of the grass, it had a cream coloured belly and 2 spots on its back, it also had two tails, it seemed to have a yellow ring round its neck and Rocky wondered if it was choking, but then thought that it would be struggling to breathe if that was the case.
"I wonder what it is" shouted Rocky looking at his Pokédex:
Buizel, the Sea Weasel Pokémon, It inflates its flotation sac, keeping its face above water in order to watch for prey movement. ,
"Awesome! A Buizel!" said Rocky amazed, "Cyndaquil, let's try and capture it!" Cyndaquil jumped forward in order to fight, in his brain, Rocky registered the type disadvantage and started to devise a tactic.

As quick as a flash, Buizel jumped up and shot a Sonicboom right at Cyndaquil, who got hit and shot backwards.
"It's fast" acknowledged Rocky. "Cyndaquil! Quick Attack!"
Just as fast, Cyndaquil struck Buizel with a lot of strength. Surprised at Cyndaquil's strength, Rocky didn't notice Buizel using an Aqua Jet straight at Cyndaquil.
"Sorry, Cyndaquil!" apologised Rocky, noticing that he now had low health, "Here take this" spraying his potion at Cyndaquil.

Cyndaquil seemed a lot better and ready to fight again.
"Great!" exclaimed Rocky, "Use Swift!" Cyndaquil shot a load of stars straight at Buizel, who got hit right in the chest taking a lot of damage, it was a Critical Hit! Buizel quickly got up and shot a Water Gun at Cyndaquil.
"Cyndaquil, dodge!" shouted Rocky. Cyndaquil leapt out the way, narrowly avoiding the shot of water. "Now, use Smokescreen!" Cyndaquil fumed smoke from the spots on its back and the Buizel started looking around, lost.
"Quick Attack!" commanded Rocky, Cyndaquil obeyed and once again shot towards Buizel with awesome speed. It hit hard but Buizel was quick to land on his fight and to fire another Aqua Jet at Cyndaquil who took more damage.
"Cyndaquil! Swift one more time!" ordered Rocky. Cyndaquil shot some more stars at Buizel, encircling it, and then they shot into Buizel damaging it, but Buizel countered by using Swift as well! A critical hit!

Cyndaquil now had very low health and could hardly stand, Buizel was just about to go in for the final blow, but Cyndaquil's back erupted in flames.
"Oh!" said Rocky, "This must be Cyndaquil's ability, Blaze! Great, now let's put this ability to use. Cyndaquil, Lava Plume!" Lava spurted out of Cyndaquil's back, singeing Buizel's fur, and scorching it.

Buizel seemed to have low health, so Rocky took his chances.

"Pokéball, GO!" shouted Rocky while throwing a pokéball at the injured Buizel. Buizel got zapped inside the ball which then dropped to the floor. It wobbled...
Once...
Twice...
Thrice...
DING!
!!Buizel was caught!!

"YES! I caught a Buizel!" shouted Rocky holding his pokéball in the air. Feeling very happy, Rocky made his way to Cherrygrove City. After being shown around by an old man, he made his way to the Pokémon Centre, healed his Pokémon and stayed the night.

This was his very first step into a world fraught with danger and troubles, filled with awe and wonder, and packed with action and adventure.

Ready for grading
Pokemon to capture: Buizel
Rank: Simple
Target length: 5-10k
Actual length: 5,611 characters

 

Okay, let's get started.


Introduction

Not much of an introduction here. While certainly you have a beginning, that's all there is. You start the story straight away and your main character begins a pokemon journey. It's a classic start, so not a bad one, mind you.

A better way to start would be to include some kind of hook. Maybe an inspiring quote that relates to the plot or a dream sequence. Maybe explain a little bit about your characters history that will come up later in the tale. Introductions help draw readers in.


Length

To catch a Buizel, you need to write a Simple story with a length of 5k-10k. According to my count, you have 5,611 characters, including spaces. You are in the range, though on the light side. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't help much either.


Plot

Very simple plot. Rocky wakes up, leaves for his Pokemon journey, and is attacked by a Pokemon. Nothing really new to the overall story.

There were some elements that I did enjoy, though probably because I'm a crazy person. Your use of URPG-based ideas, like the $3,000, was either silly or inspired. Either way, I like it. It's not something I would appreciate seeing over and over, mind you, but having not seen that before, I can appreciate it.

I recommend, next time, that you write something a little more creative. There are plenty of stories you can put together. Maybe an adventure in space! Or a classical 18th century naval journey. Perhaps Rocky needs to fight off Team Rocket or Team Magma, or both! The possibilities are limitless.


Details and Descriptions

You have some details and I appreciate that. Like how the grass rustles or that you're listening to the Sinnoh Sound. Or how Natu looks like a tennis ball. These little details really do make the story unique and different.

I want you to expand on your details. Go beyond a single line of description and write paragraphs. Explain not only how Natu looks like a tennis ball, but also how as it lands it sort of bounces like one or that it's skin is rather leathery like a ball.

Describe your main character. What does he look like? What is his hair color? Eye color? What does his back look like? Is it new and bright or perhaps a decayed brown satchel? What about his pokemon? Do they have any distinct features.

Take your details and run with them. Add more color to the world. Describe every location and every person your main character meets. You'll find that this will enliven your story. In more practical terms, it increases your character count. Longer does mean better usually.


Battle

At first, I thought your battles were nothing more than lists of move after move.

I admit, though, they come close. You do have some description about what each pokemon does for their move and I can see the action, though only in the briefest terms. As I said above, try to include more details. With battles, it's also good to describe the emotions of the participants, adding to the general action feel of it all.

You have a satisfactory battle length.


Grammar

Found a couple of errors. Also, I have some organizational recommendations for you.

Use more spaces. You have some, but I think that they could be used more effectively, especially when it comes to dialogue. If a character speaks and another one replies, split it up. It'll look cleaner.

For example:

"Who's there?" asked Rocky
"It's me! Ryan!" came a familiar voice.
"Oh, hi Ryan, so, you started your journey too?" Rocky replied
"Come on, we've been friends since 1999" answered Ryan
"Yeah" said Rocky, "and rivals"

Well, for one thing, you forgot some punctuation. In fact, this is a recurring problem in your story. Don't forget to add periods at the end of sentences, else we don't know when to stop reading.

Here is that same part split up a bit more:

"Who's there?" asked Rocky.

"It's me! Ryan!" came a familiar voice.

"Oh, hi Ryan," Rocky replied. "So you started your journey too?"

"Come on. We've been friends since 1999," answered Ryan.

"Yeah," said Rocky, "and rivals."

See how that's a bit more cleaned up? Additionally, you can add a few more details to the dialogue to give the reader a better visual of what's going on.

"Come on. We've been friends since 1999," answered Ryan, punching Rocky lightly on the shoulder.

Good grammar leads to good writing and a good story.


Overall

This was a decent job for a first attempt. A bit of advice, graders don't like it when you say you captured a pokemon. Next time, state that the ball was wiggling, but don't finish with its conclusion. We'll let you know if it's captured.

And in this case, it is.

Buizel Captured!

Work on what I said above. Good luck.

 

OK! Thank you very much!