Retired No Longer[CASH]

Retired No Longer​

Humans and Pokemon, two very different species that sought to live together in harmony. Before recorded history, man and Pokemon hunted side-by-side, united in a mutual desire to survive. Mankind’s wisdom quickly overtook that of Pokemon, drawing a line of master and servant that would last for thousands of years. Even recently, humanity was capable of capturing Pokemon in small devices known as “Pokeballs”. By using a Pokeball, trainers were able to tame beasts that would have taken ancient men a lifetime to domesticate. This new discovery led to the mainstream popularity of Pokemon Battles. Trainers and their faithful companions stood before one another and engaged in friendly combat. Many children left their homes to travel with their trusted Pokemon in order fulfill their wildest dreams. Standing in the center of a crowded city marketplace, one man recalled the history of the Pokemon Trainer to any who would give him the time. In the corner of his eye, the homeless elder spotted a familiar face among the crowd. A young man dressed in a black suit carrying a paper bag full of produce, trying to hide himself from the derelict’s gaze.


“What about you?” the old man asked, “what are you doing to make a dream come true?”


The old man's words echoed through the young man’s mind as he fled, filling his heart with guilt. It had been thirteen years since he had left home in order to challenge the Elite Four and become the Akihaba Region’s Champion, but young Kagami Sato’s dreams were ripped to shred by the difficulty of the league’s Gym League. In just five short years after his journey began, the young man retired to a life of servitude in Ide Town.

Carrying several bags of groceries, he stepped off the local bus that taxied people from the bustling town square to the residential area. After a short walk through the neighborhood, Kagami had arrived in front of Duval Manor, home to a family from the neighboring Kalos Region. Standing two stories tall, with a huge front yard, decorated with lawn sculptures and surrounded by a white picket fence, Duval Manor was one of many fancy houses built at the base of Ide Mountain. When Kagami quit being a traveling adventurer, he spent a month filling in as a butler while one of the maids went on maternity leave. As a fifteen-year-old, he mainly served as a guardian to the Duval’s five-year-old daughter, Lisa. Shortly before his duties ended however, the Duvals were caught in a tragic car accident that took the life of Lisa’s father, and put her mother in a wheelchair. Between Mrs. Duval’s condition, and the loss of the lord of the manor, the Duvals were in dire need of more help, and so they formally hired Kagami as a live-in servant.


“Mrs. Charlotte, Lady Lisa, I’m back!” he announced as he placed the groceries on the dazzling kitchen counter.


Kagami took a minute to fix his short hair, using his hand to sweep back his amber brown locks, before he made his way to the family’s study in the back of the house. There next to the sofa underneath a wall full of both Kalosian and Akihaban literature was Lisa’s mother, the widow, Charlotte Duval. Her pale green eyes darted left and right as she scanned the pages of her current book “The Violet Swanna”. Despite being stuck in a metal wheelchair, Mrs. Duval insisted on wearing long flowing dresses that had been adjusted so as to avoid being trapped in her wheels. Her pale white skin and her jet black hair inspired imagery of a porcelain doll, perched on a high shelf. Despite being in her late 30’s, she was constantly mistaken for being as young as Kagami himself.


“Hello Kagami,” she gently spoke, placing a bookmark in her novel, “I trust you were able to find everything on my list?”


“Yes ma’am,” he replied, curtly bowing, “is there anything I can help you with?”


“Actually, Mr. Sato, there is something we need to discuss,” Charlotte answered, gesturing at somebody standing behind Kagami.


“Hey Kagami!” A young girl’s voice called out from behind the 23-year-old man, “one of my friends sent me a postcard.”


Kagami smiled as he took the small letter from the girl’s hands. The photograph on the front side was a famous landmark in the Akihaba region, the Hell’s Valley Simisear Park. A family of red ape-like Pokemon with curly hair resembling flames were bathing in a natural hot springs, surrounded by large trees and brush. Lisa quickly snatched the postcard from her butler’s hands before he could flip it and read the message printed on the back.


“Hell’s Valley is all the way on the other side of the region,” Kagami commented, “their journey must be going well.”


“Yeah yeah,” Lisa replied, squeezing the postcard to her chest, “Curtis says he’s gotten three gym badges already!”


“In just two months? He’s making better time than I every did!”


“That’s actually what we wanted to talk you about,” Charlotte chimed in, “I’ll let Lisa explain.”


Lisa Duval, with her mother’s green eyes and her father’s dark brown hair, took a moment to gather her thoughts before she made her request.


“Mama and I decided that I’m old enough to become a full-fledged Pokemon Trainer!” she declared with passion in her eyes, “but she won’t let me take the journey alone. So I need you to come with me, Kagami.”


“Me? Really?” Kagami asked in surprise.


“Of course, silly,” Lisa’s mother laughed, “you have been taking care of Lisa since she was a young baby. You are more her butler than mine, and I think you will do a great job with her.”


“But I’m a terrible Pokemon Trainer,” he insisted, “I could never gather eight badges before the deadline of the Akihaba Conference.”


“That doesn’t matter to me,” Lisa spoke, “you are the bravest, gentlest man I remember. Since I lost my daddy, you’ve become like an older brother to me. If you don’t take me on my journey, then I won’t go!”


Kagami tried to speak in protest, but the old man’s words returned to taunt him, “What are you doing to make a dream come true?”. He realized that just because he had given up on his dream, he had to no right to deny somebody else theirs.


“Okay, I’ll do it,” he said, “but first we need to get you a Pokemon.”


“I already have one Kagami!” Lisa smiled.


Lisa pointed to the corner opposite of her mother, and a second blonde-haired, green-eyed girl emerged from behind the red velvet couch. Kagami gasped in awe as an exact duplicate of the girl he had helped raise stood next to the original. The doppelganger danced around her butler, taking care to keep her back concealed. He thought a moment, and then reached out a hand, pinching the clone’s cheek in his hand. She let out a slight whimper before radiating a purple glow, her form shrunk until she was small enough for Kagami to hold in his arms. The Pokemon had reverted to its original form, a small black fox creature with pale blue eyes and a tuft of red fur on its head.


“Where did you find this cute little guy?” Kagami asked, scratching the Pokemon’s head.


“Internet,” Lisa said with a sly grin, “we ordered him from a breeder in Unova.”


“All the way from Unova? But that’s five days away by plane! How long were you going to keep this secret from me?”


“We knew we could convince you to journey with Lisa,” Charlotte Duval smiled, “I am quite surprised you gave up so easily.”


“I guess that means you already bought supplies for the trip then?”


“We sure did!” Lisa smiled, “I bought a really cute outfit too. Can we leave tomorrow?”


“Okay,” Kagami replied, “I’ll pack my bag tonight.”


That night was a restless one for Kagami. He mulled over the huge commitment he agreed to as he stared at the smooth white ceiling. Not only would he be leaving his home again, but he would be doing it with a twelve-year-old girl. To make matters worse, the next gym conference was in ten more months, meaning they were already two months behind before the journey even started. The sound of somebody knocking on his bedroom door snapped Kagami out of his funk.


“Kagami, are you awake?” Charlotte’s voice beckoned from behind the door, “may I come in?”


“Sure, just a sec,” he answered.


Kagami opened the door and stepped out to push his master into his room. She stopped in front of his window, the pale moonlight reflected off of her black hair as she stared out at the night sky. Since her accident, Charlotte was not physically able to wander around the second floor of Duval Manor, at night so she frequently visited Kagami’s room to watch the stars. The image of the beautiful woman in her night gown, trapped in a metal chair was burned into the young man’s mind.


“I am sorry to force this on you,” she finally broke the silence, “but ever since Douglas died, I could not stand the thought of sending Lisa out on her own just yet.”


“I understand,” Kagami replied as he dropped down on his bed, “I owe a lot to you guys, and I really do care for Lisa.”


“I know you do,” Charlotte replied, “and her father knew you did too. I never told you this, but it was Douglas’ idea to hire you as a permanent butler. Lisa was so attached to you, and he could not bare to see you leave her side.”


“Your husband was a great man,” Kagami placed his hands on Charlotte’s as he spoke, “I’ll do everything in my power to live up to his expectations.”


“Thank you, Kagami. You know, I always saw you as more of a little brother than a butler. Maybe it is because you were such a young man when we hired you, but you really are just another Duval in my eyes.”


They sat and watched the night sky together before it finally got late. After escorting Charlotte back to her room, Kagami went to check on Lisa. The young girl was sleeping soundly in her pink bed, and her black fox Pokemon had curled up in her long brown hair. Before returning to his room, the Akihaba-born butler stepped into the backyard of the manor. He stared at his reflection in a gaudy fountain depicting multiple mythical Pokemon.


“We need to talk,” he said to his reflection before he pulled several small balls from his pajamas pocket.

The Journey Begins​

All of Duval Manor’s residents awoke extra early the next morning. Not only were they losing one of their staff, but the daughter of the manor would be leaving too. Now the ten maids were lined up outside of the large house, waiting for the guests of honor to depart. Charlotte was the first one to arrive, locking her chair on the front porch in order to take in the morning air. After Kagami left her to bed, she spent a long time looking through photo albums of the family. She knew the day would come eventually, but Charlotte Duval never imagined that she would say goodbye to both her children in one morning.

Inside the house, Kagami waited patiently for Lisa to finish getting dressed. He had chosen an outfit that he felt reflected his status as a butler, while also being comfortable enough to wear for long hikes. Black khaki pants, a white long sleeved tee shirt worn under a black vest, and a pair of white leather gloves for climbing trees and mountains. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a white plastic case, containing six Pokeballs. Inside each ball were six of Kagami’s strongest Pokemon from his time as a trainer, eagerly awaiting the return of their trainer and the thrill of a new battle.


“Okay, I’m ready!” Lisa yelled as she ran down the stairs, “How do I look?”


Lisa spun around to show off her new outfit. She had chosen to wear a white hoodie with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows and pink Capri pants that stopped just shy of her socks. Wrapped around her waist was a black sash that held a pouch on either side, granting Lisa easy access to important items like potions or Pokeballs. Kagami smiled as he realized how much she had grown since he first met her.


“Come on Lisa, let’s get going,” he said as he picked up two backpacks and turned towards the door.


“Right behind you Kagami!”


Together they stepped out the front door and into the flock of maids that awaited them. Each servant they passed saw them off with words of advice and encouragement before they returned to the manor. At the end of the line sat Charlotte, accompanied by the head maid of the manor, who had trained Kagami since he was 15 years old. Lisa gave her mom a big hug as the chief maid shook the butler’s hand.


“Take care of yourselves,” she said, “and be to remember your training, Mr. Sato.”


“I will Margie,” he replied.


“Goodbye mom,” Lisa said as she ran towards the front gate.


“Be careful you guys,” Charlotte replied with a curt wave.


“Thanks for everything, Mrs. Duval,” Kagami said as he caught up with Lisa.


With a small army of maids at their back, the duo set out west to Hajime City, where registrations for the Akihaba Gym Conference were held. Their path took them through the neighborhood Lisa had grown up in. Neighbors who had just woken up to collect the morning newspaper waved and cheered as they passed. The young Duval girl smiled and waved back, but small sparkles in her eye told Kagami that she was fighting tears. The extended goodbye reminded him of his first day as an adventurer, and the look on his parents’ faces as he left home. He patted Lisa on the head and began jogging forward.


“Come on Lisa, let’s go,” he shouted as he broke into a sprint.


The number of houses lining the path slowly dwindled as Lisa and Kagami proceeded west. Eventually signs of civilization vanished entirely, save for a single wooden sign that read “Route 30”. Ahead of them was a small dirt road that led across a grassy hill into a moderately wooded area. A gentle breeze from the mountain to the north made the grass and flowers sway hypnotically.


“I haven’t taken this route in years,” Kagami said.


“Yeah, nobody uses Route 30 because Route 32 leads straight into the the city,” Lisa replied as she admired a group of pink flowers.


“Why don’t you let Zorua out for a while?”


Lisa nodded and reached into her right pouch, and pulled out a white ball highlighted in red. By pressing a button on the Premier Ball, she made the device grow from half an inch to a full three inch sphere. At its max size, the ball popped open with a flash of red light that quickly formed into the shape of the monster it held. The Tricky Fox Pokemon sneezed as it emerged, partially engulfed in the green grass. Lisa and Kagami laughed as they watched the black vulpine try to bite blades of grass as they blew in the wind.


“You should bring out one of your Pokemon, Kagami,” Lisa said, “I’m sure they all miss being outside like this.”


“I think you’re right,” Kagami replied as he popped open his Pokeball case and pulled one of them from their designated recess.


One of Kagami’s prized Pokemon magically appeared before them in a flash of blue light. A dark blue insect-like creature with sharp arms and a large horn that split into an ax shape jumped into the air and knocked hiss trainer onto his butt. Lisa laughed and gave the Pokemon a big hug as she tried to pull it off of Kagami.


“I missed you too buddy, but get off of me!” Kagami said as he pushed away the big Pokemon.


“Don’t be mean to Hera-Hera,” Lisa snapped, “he was probably really lonely because you never let him out back home.”


“I know, I’m sure all of my Pokemon are disappointed,” was his reply, “after all, we were going to become champions together, but I quit because I wasn’t good enough as a trainer.”


“Well now is your chance to make up for it Kagami,” she replied, “but first; introductions! Hera-Hera, this is my first Pokemon, Zorua.”


Lisa turned back to the grass to find that her Pokemon had disappeared. While their attention was focused on Heracross, Zorua had caught an alluring scent and chased it into the brush. Kagami was the first one to spot Zorua’s black tail sticking out of some foliage. However before they could retrieve the nosy creature, another monster emerged from the trees surrounding the young pup. The shadowy figure’s long arms swiped at the bushes, striking Zorua and sending him reeling backwards. Lisa crouched down and caught her Pokemon before it could hit the ground and hurt itself. Seeing the human as a threat, the monster in the darkness growled and lunged forward. Lisa flinched in fear as she tried to shield her Pokemon from the monster’s attack, but to her surprise, Kagami’s large Bug-type Pokemon blocked the enemy’s blow.


“Get back Lisa!” Kagami yelled, “Let Heracross and I deal with this thing.”


Now that it was out of the shade and standing in the bright sunlight, Kagami and Lisa were able to identify the Wild Pokemon. It stood about a foot shorter than Heracross, but sported a thin figure and powerful-looking legs. Its head was shaped like a green mushroom, and had several odd red fruits growing from it. One of the berries began emitting an odd purple gas, causing Kagami’s Heracross to panic and throw the Pokemon away.


“Oh no, it looks strong,” Lisa said.


“Yeah, now that less people use Route 30, the Wild Pokemon are able to get stronger before getting caught,” Kagami explained, “but Heracross should be more than enough to beat that Breloom.”


Heracross let out a prideful snort as he entered a fighting stance. The wild Breloom boldly accepted the Singlehorn Pokemon’s challenge and entered its own fighting stance. An unsettling silence swept over the battlefield as the two Fighting-types stared each other down. The Mushroom Pokemon took the initiative by charging forward with one of its stubby red claws. Heracross instinctively moved to block the attack, but Breloom suddenly halted its attack right before striking the horned creature’s guard. Instead, it crouched down using its powerful hindlegs and bound into the air, knocking Heracross upwards with its fist.


“Did that Breloom just use Feint to trick Hera-Hera into blocking?” Lisa asked.


“Yes, and then it hit us with Sky Uppercut,” Kagami replied, “this Pokemon clearly has some combat experience.”


Heracross landed on his back with a loud thud, flattening the grass beneath it. From its position in the air, Breloom let out a shriek as it gathered energy in its gaping mouth. A moment later, a yellow seed-shaped ball of energy shot from its mouth with enough force to send Breloom higher into the air.


“Get up and counter with Megahorn!” Kagami commanded.


Hearing his trainer’s orders, Heracross pounded the earth with both arms, using enough force to launch him back on his feet. His ax-shaped horn became engulfed in a green light as it extended into an intimidating spear. The horn connected with the Seed Bomb, creating a smoky explosion above Heracross’ head, but it left the Pokemon unharmed. Breloom landed several feet away, but quickly charged forth with its powerful hind legs. Orange light began to gather in its right palm as it rushed towards Heracross with a battle cry.


“Look out, it’s using Force Palm!” Lisa shouted.


“Deflect it with Arm Thrust Heracross,” Kagami responded.


The Singlehorn Pokemon boldly shoved his left arm at Breloom, catching the side of the Mushroom Pokemon’s arm and pushing it into the ground. Breloom’s Force Palm exploded in the dirt as Heracross pulled back his right arm and thrust it into its chest. Pressure pooled into Breloom’s chest and caused it to stagger under the force of Heracross’ attack. This moment of hesitation left the Grass-type open to two more powerful Arm Thrusts that sent it flying backwards. Kagami and Heracross waited for Breloom to regain its balance, but the Mushroom Pokemon did not make another move. Time passed slowly as the two Fighting-types were locked in another stalemate, the silence broken by the wind picking up again.


“Why isn’t Breloom moving?” Lisa asked.


“I don’t know Lisa, maybe we hurt... It,” Kagami muttered, before he noticed something wrong in the air, “Heracross get away!”


Kagami caught onto Breloom’s trick too late, Heracross had inhaled an invisible cloud of spores that the Mushroom Pokemon was releasing. The Wild Pokemon took advantage of the route’s gentle breeze to release an Effect Spore, and now Heracross was paralyzed. Breloom began clenching its fist tightly, channeling energy into its right hand.


“Oh no, it’s using Focus Punch now,” Kagami said, “Heracross, you have to move.”


The blue beetle Pokemon struggled to move, but every time he tried to step back, his body froze up on him. There was not a single action Heracross could take to avoid Breloom’s next powerful attack. Lisa began to fear that Heracross would be defeated, and her emotions were strong enough that even the Zorua she had just received the day before could sense them. The black fox Pokemon jumped from his trainers arms and rushed onto the battlefield.


“Zorua, stay back!” Kagami yelled.


Neither trainer was able to stop Zorua from jumping in front of Heracross in order to take the Focus Punch. The new Pokemon’s interference startled Breloom, but it was already too far committed to its attack to avoid hitting the Pokemon. Both trainers watched in horror as Breloom’s fist flew towards the now airborne Zorua. With a sudden rush of emotion, Heracross was able to break free of the paralysis and rush forward. Taking no time to prepare, the Singlehorn Pokemon’s long horn slid under Zorua and then swung upwards, launching the Tricky Fox straight into Kagami’s arms. Thanks to Heracross’ quick actions, Breloom’s Focus Punch missed entirely. Now it was standing inches away from its foe with no way of recovering before being counterattacked.


“Now Heracross, use Close Combat!” Kagami commanded quickly.


Heracross took advantage of the lack of distance between himself and Breloom to swing its arms violently, striking Breloom with powerful punches. The Bug-types attacks seemed to grow stronger as his body began glowing in a reddish light. Even when it looked like Breloom’s Effect Spore was paralyzing him, Kagami’s Pokemon was able to power through it and continue attacking. The final blow sent Breloom shooting back into a tree, cracking the bark and knocking it out. The Butler’s beetle flexed his exoskeleton proudly before finally succumbing to the green mushroom’s spores and collapsing. Kagami used Heracross’ Pokeball to retrieve it in a ray of red light, safely storing the Pokemon inside. Zorua yipped happily and ran back to Lisa’s side.


“Is he okay?” Kagami asked, returning his Pokeball case to his pocket.


“He’s perfectly fine, thanks to Hera-Hera,” Lisa replied as she rubbed her Pokemon’s head, “but you shouldn’t do that again Zorua, you could have been hurt.”


“That’s right,” Kagami added, “we were lucky that Heracross triggered his ability when he did, otherwise things might have gone seriously wrong.”


“Hera-Hera used his ability?” Lisa asked, “I thought Heracross could only make their Bug-type moves stronger.”


“That’s just one of Heracross’ abilities,” Kagami explained, “they also have an ability called Guts, which lets them ignore certain status conditions and power up all of their moves.”


“Wow, I never knew that Hera-Hera was so strong.”


“Yeah, he surprised me too,” Kagami said.


Kagami’s thoughts wandered back to the night before, when he talked to his Pokemon in the Duval’s backyard. He had spent a long time talking to them, apologizing for abandoning them and keeping them locked away in a Pokeball for so many years. He also expressed his desire to take care of Lisa and make sure that her journey as a Pokemon Trainer went a lot smoother than his had. At the time, he wasn’t sure if his words had reached his Pokemon, but now he was confident that at least Heracross shared his same motivations. The knot in his stomach that had formed when he first agreed to lead Lisa through the Akihaba region finally loosened as he began to accept his fate.


“This might go well,” he whispered to himself.


“What’s wrong Kagami, let’s get going before Breloom wakes up!” Lisa yelled.


The young girl grabbed ahold of her butler’s hand and together they ran off into the woods. They had a lot of ground to cover, and eight gym leaders with powerful Pokemon waiting to battle her Pokemon. But for now the young girl was more concerned with exploring Route 30’s woods and learning new things about Pokemon. At the time, Lisa could never dream of the challenges that awaited her, but she knew that as long as her guardian butler was at her side, she would be able to face them with a smile. And so began the journey of young Lisa Duval and her butler, Kagami Sato. An unlikely duo tied together in a quest for fame, glory, and adventure.

END​

Note: This is a story written for money rather than a capture attempt.

 

claiming! expect a grade soon! ^^

 

@Mashin Chaser

Story

Neat overworld briefing. I liked it a lot. A lot.

What I found so entrancing about your opening paragraph was not simply the overworld idea of how Pokemon and humans coexist, but rather the way you combined this overworld with the last two sentences: the image of the young man rushing past the homeless man spewing an idea about the goodness of dreams. I'm stunned by what makes this so exciting - maybe it's the extreme yet well-executed contrast between a lofty, high idea like coexistence and the reality of the homeless man in a Pokemon world. Maybe it's that word derelict. Maybe it's the slight way you began intertwining the idea of servitude of Pokemon as a parallel to Kagami's position as a servant. Maybe it's the way that type of undertone creates an interesting commentary for the naivety of those kinds of dreams of coexistence and how unrealistic they may sometimes be. I DON'T KNOW. I'M GOING TO STOP TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT BEFORE IT RUINS THE INTRO FOR ME. GREAT JOB WITH YOUR OPENING PARAGRAPHS, MMKAY. YA GOT ME.

And wow, you got me hooked on the rest of this story as well! There's something potent and enthralling about your writing in this work! What I really cherished here was the reality and creativity you simultaneously took great initiative in here. Kagami's fall into working full-time as a servant for the Duvals made sense! It was backstory and empathy that was not overdone and not blatantly intentioned to make readers feel sympathy for this character. It just felt so genuine. And I felt the same way about Lisa, who initially worried me as a character who seemed like she might be a mary sue of blonde bubbliness and rich joy - but then she shows up as a Pokemon trainer on her first day wearing a hoodie. And she was never saccharine in her moves or motives - I could connect to her and root for her as a character simply because she's just a kid who's ready for the world. I feel like that first battle really cemented the two for me as a great duo with an interesting, different dynamic from what we as readers conventionally read in Pokemon adventure stories.

Also, another note on creativity and reality as an epic duo: this story is based in REAL Japan?! That's so awesome! You've simultaneously created a new Pokemon region by basing it in the real world somewhere. There's so much neat stuff you can do and yes, you get creativity points for simply the thought of trying to incorporate reality like so.

Your strength in this brief segment of story lies in your predilection for strong descriptive skills as well as your ability to breath life into realistic characters we both believe and want to believe in. For future stories or installments to this, I would recommend these: 1) keep developing those characters. We have a strong hold on Kagami and Lisa's introductory motives, but wow, I have a feeling that you have a lot of unexpected stuff in store for us regarding these two! 2) Keep developing that world! It's so neat that you have a region that is both in Japan yet next to France (Kalos?) and there's so much potential for world-building. 3) Summarize briefly what's happened in the opening of your next installation and don't forget about the characters and their lessons - be thinking about how Mrs. Duval or even how that old man from the beginning may play a role in the future. Shedding more light on the characters makes stories as a whole so much more interesting! You concluded this introductory piece with lovely insight into Kagami's character, and I am so excited to see what you'll have next for us.

Description

Break convention. No more porcelain dolls in future stories, simply because I have a feeling that you have the potential for much more creative and unique metaphors and comparisons.

I say this because description here sung to me of something full-bodied, immersive, and characteristic. Sensory description brought us into the battles between Heracross and Breloom or the dialogue between Mrs. Duval and Kagami. I can tell that you're definitely putting a lot of time and effort into envisioning how the world moves based on the little details that go into your story. It's very polished - we know exactly how large that Pokeball is or how both disquieting yet gorgeous Mrs. Duval appears to the narrator as she sits before him in her wheelchair, refusing to abjure herself of the dresses she loves. You weave characterization in impactful little whispers and geez do they say a lot! I really appreciate that.

What I can't wait to see is more character development and world building through description. You've got the basics down for us, like what characters are wearing or how their Pokemon interact / embrace them. Now we can begin expanding towards even more hooking details - what are the characters' body types? Exactly how do they move, and what are their mannerisms? All of the new areas that they see before them - can they truly see the hills in the distance or is there an expansive weight and space in the air between that place and the place where the characters physically stand stuck in awe?

Of course, you don't have to answer any or all of the questions! But I think that beginning to brainstorm different, specific questions like this can help to develop that wondrous sense of different description you have. By providing more insight into the characters' world, both their mental landscape and the physical one immersing them, you bring those characters closer to the readers as well.

Grammar

A brief note about sentences:

In both of these cases, the sentence ends after the completion of the quotation substance that is a full sentence + that quotation's description. So, you'd want a period after asked or commented, and you would begin the new quotation sentence with a capital and no attached comma. You only want to construct the grammar of the above sentences like so if the quotation has been split into two incomplete sentence fragments by the addition of the dialogue action. Fixed below and also an example of when you would have it constructed like so:

To help counter this issue, write out your quotation and think about how you'd do the grammar in that sentence. You wouldn't write out - What about you? what are you doing to make a dream come true? or Hell's Valley is all the way on the other side of the region, their journey must be going well. Hope that helps! And if it's confusing, as for anything in this grade, please feel free to send me a PM / VM / etc ^^

A comma condition:

You're going to want commas to partition off these prepositional phrases. Without commas, it comes off as too much of a jumble of things going on, and this happens occasionally throughout. so:

Another comma thing:

So, in both of these, you'll want a comma right before Kagami. This is a minor and subtle mistake, but it's the difference in the first one between saying that Lisa has one Pokemon and Lisa has one Kagami. Like, the actual butler dude in her possession. In the latter, you'll also want a comma for a similar reason. So, commas here are good as they're injections and specify your meaning. You did it correctly here: "Thanks for everything, Mrs. Duval!"

Otherwise, I'd say to just give your stories a super brief proofreading before submitting them. This was quite clean of typos, which you should be so proud of! There were only a couple of things that I believe you could have caught quickly with just another quick run through. They're no big deal!

Length

Oooh 24.5k characters - you're right in the middle of the Hard-ranked category for money or mons! In terms of the pacing of this story, I thought you paced the action quite fine! Great job with the story's stability!

Outcome

HARD-RANKED REWARD ATTAINED! yay yay! Add that well-deserved $15,000 to your URPG account! ^^ I definitely thought this was a delightful and engaging introduction to what will be a fabulous story and URPG writing career! To me, this story falls below Complex-rank because, for all of its merits of unique worldbuilding and carefully created vision, it lacks story substance besides two wonderful people setting out on their adventure. Yet it absolutely kills medium rank and sits confidently on the higher end of the Hard-rank. I have a feeling you can surpass this and much more if you keep writing, keep breathing life into those characters, and keep promising us unique adventures going forwards! Congratulations on your first story and WELCOME to the URPG!

 

Thanks a lot Smiles, I'll be sure to keep your suggestions in mind as I go forward with this, and other stories. Claiming my 15k now.