[Ready for Grade] Today Only

[Today Only! Free Trial of the Lake of Rage’s Newest Attraction: The Magikarp Run]

I read a small sign as I walk toward the proportionately small stand it was posted on. A creepy old man stood in the middle of the ply wood stand smiling with his slightly toothless and off center grin.

“Hello there! Are you here to experience the magic of the Magikarp run? It only happens but once a year. All of the Magikarp return to their birth-place, The Lake of Rage. I, Sir Thomas Karpington, want everyone to have a chance to experience this exhilarating holiday. So therefore, for one day only, I will provide my services for free.”The man’s voice reminds me of an infomercial announcer but I had to admit I was slightly interested.

“But what do you do?” I asked. As I see him prepare poster boards, fliers and note cards and realize I really I just want to fish in peace. I went fishing to relax. I even brought my Dad’s lucky old rod.

“You mean you don’t know who I am?” That man asked in mock disgust. I had been coming to the Lake Rage for eleven years now, since I was four years old, but I had never in my life seen this man before. “I, Sir Thomas Karpington, let you borrow a Teddiursa.” He motions toward a large photo of a small bear cub and continues. “Bears are the most skilled in all things fishing. You use the Pokemon to gain a hands-on experience of the Magikarp run, and of course tell all your friends.”

“Well… I mean it seems like it could be okay. Sure, I’ll try.” My skepticism began to fall away as I thought about the amazing deal I was getting. The old man flashed his almost, sort of, pearly whites and handed me a Pokéball that I assumed had a Teddiursa waiting inside.

He giggles nicely and tells me to, “have a great time, and remember to spread the word. Don’t forget to return the Teddiursa when you finish. That’s stealing.”

I examine the Pokéball and release Teddiursa. When the red light fades into Teddiura’s tangible form, I inspect it to make sure it’s healthy.

“He’s one of our finest Pokémon. Male - Lv. 20 – and look at this fur and the way it shines.”

“He’s great! We’re going to have fun together aren’t we?” I hold on my hand and we share a very satisfying high five.

“Well get to it!” Karpington exclaims and then he motions toward the lake.

Teddiursa and I walk over to the edge of the water but I can’t see any Magikarp. I bend over the edge to get a better look. The water laps against my feet, but I see nothing but the dark reflective surface. I hear a splash and look up to see Teddiursa’s feet disappear into the water. The water becomes very agitated and out of the blue bursts the flopping body of a respectably sized Magikarp that is soon followed by Teddiursa.

“Now that’s what I call service.” I praise Teddiursa as he bows, once to the left and once to the right. I really start to bond with this cute bear when I see how he hams it up for the applause.
I notice that Magikarp is flailing around trying to throw itself toward water. “Teddiursa quick, use fury swipes!”

Teddiursa bares its claws and I watch terrified as its demeanor turns fearsome. He rushes Magikarp and slashes the large orange scales. Magikarp stops moving but also seems to be unfazed by the attack. Teddiura looks frustrated and he slashes again and again and again. I then remember a series I had seen on the water-type discovery channel. Magikarp’s scales are the strength of steel. I need to find a way to attack him that isn’t physical, except Teddiursa is normal type. I think for a while. If I can’t get past his scales and don’t have any elemental attacks, how do I attack his insides. Then it comes to me. “Teddiursa, use Rest!”

Teddiursa’s stares at me in disbelief but I still see his eyes begin to droop. He yawns and sits downs to relax and then suddenly falls backward asleep.

“Snore!”

Teddiursa opens his mouth and sucks in a huge breath. His chest lifts and then falls as he lets out a soft hum. A small innocent sound that gradually becomes louder. The pitch also gets higher until Teddiursa is almost screaming. I have to cover my ears in pain. Magikarp also seems to be in pain and I know that this is my chance to end it.

“Sleep Talk!”

Teddiursa’s mouth slams shut and the sound ends. Teddiursa jumps to his feet. I see that his eyes are wide and unseeing. He launches himself toward Magikarp and lands a powerful punch squarely on Magikarp’s jaw. The dazed fish flies away and crashes into a tree and falls to the ground unconscious. I throw a Pokéball. It hits the limp fish. Magikarp is changed into a red light.

The Pokéball is filled with Magikarp’s luminous mass and drops back over to the grassy banks of the lake. I hear steps behind me and turn around to see Karpington walk up. “Hey boy! Good job, now for the suspenseful roller coaster ride. I do not envy you.” I roll my eyes and turn back to the ball and see it shake, once, twice…

Ready for Grade
Pokemon: Magikarp
Characters needed: 3,000-5,000
Characters: 3,973​

 

Claimed, bro. Expect your grade later today or tomorrow.

 

Intro: Your intro wasn't particularly exciting, but it did what it was supposed to. It made me interested in reading and set the stage for your story. So good job.

Plot: Your plot was simple, but creative. I never would have thought of using a Teddiursa to catch Magikarp. Good job.

Dialogue: You didn't have much dialogue, but what you did have sounded natural and didn't interrupt the flow of your story, so you're fine.

Grammar: You didn't have many grammar problems, but the one thing I noticed was that your story constatntly changed between past and present tense. It was really confusing to read....The only other thing I saw I mentioned below:

I think you meant you held out your hand:

Detail: You did an awesome job describing Magikarp and all the Pokemon moves, but in future stories, you should put a little bit more effort into describing your main character, the setting, and the other Pokemon. I don't even know if your character is a dude or a girl!

Length: You needed a minimum of 3k and you had almost 4k so you're good.

Reality: There was nothing unrealistic about your story.

Personal Feelings: Your story was cute and I think it's deserving of a Magikarp.

Outcome: Magikarp....Captured.

Work on your detail a little more and try to keep your story in one tense instead of going all over the place. Anyway, here's your Magikarp: