Protecting the Puppy - Part 2 Ready for Grading

Pokemon: Growlithe
Required Length: 10,000 - 20,000
Actual Length: 14,878

Version 2. Hope this is better.

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Slateport.

Any time of the day, you would find masses of people here. From the giant ocean liners with their deep reverberating horns echoing across the town, cashed-up Pokemon trainers busily working their way through the popular market district, families waiting anxiously at the seaside, and of course, the Pokemon, there was always activity. This is the Slateport you all know, the one always in the media. Contests and Gym Battles broadcast live across the Hoenn region, all the seaside splendour excitement of a Pokemon port. And for some part, this is true. But my story is from a different Slateport. A Slateport that was, and still is I guess, a little less known to the people. Here, on the outskirts of that same bustling seaside town, were dirty,, occasionally foul-smelling, run-down neighbourhoods, the streets littered with rubbish, and people who... well, ‘unsavoury’ people who more often than not spoke equally unsavoury things, their kids no better than they were. Me? I never quite fit.

My name is Jye. I’ve never been tall. I was never well built. Just... average. Always average. My story begins when I was 10. I was average then too, though a well-raised kid; surprising considering the others around these parts. I don’t claim to be perfect, but I was never in serious trouble. Of course, I wanted what every 10 year old kids wants on their birthday – their Pokémon Trainer’s Licence. But to obtain that golden prize, it meant travel, travel cost money, and money was something our family didn’t have much of to spare. We weren’t poor. Our house was average but, at least comparatively, quite nice, and stood out in the mix of those dilapidated shacks the other families neglected. However once the necessities of living were taken care of, luxuries became, usually, unobtainable. And so, despite how warm the home-knitted sweater I received may have been, my birthday remained somewhat disappointing to me.

I was wearing it that night. Must have only been a few months after by birthday actually. Dark red, with the fire symbol of the Kanto Cinnibar Gym emblazoned in the centre in vibrant orange and yellow colours, in honour of my idol Blaine. Mum did a great job, I’ll admit. It didn’t quite break the chill on the wind the way my jeans did though, shivering as the cold gusts whipped around me. I was walking home from the local supermarket a few blocks away, mentally kicking myself, not wanting to be out after dark, as I watched the sun beginning to drop below the horizon, the orange light getting darker and dimmer by the minute. I was meant to be picking up Potions for Dad’s Pokemon. Instead, as usual, by brain got lost as soon as I entered the magazine section. Gym Guru Magazine had a commentary on Blaine’s latest gym battle, his Arcanine obliterating another foe. It wasn’t until the shopkeeper told me he was shutting up that I realised time slipping away. And so I ended up out on the streets in the fading sunlight, quick-pacing home, trying to save time while trying not to draw attention to myself. Crossing the bridge, I noticed a flickering light from underneath, ghostly shadows sweeping across the ground. Then, it was light out, followed by cynical laughter. I could smell... smoke? Curiosity, as always, got the better of me. Ignoring the time slipping away once again, I crossed the bridge, quietly following the dirt part down underneath, listening in vain as my feet noisily crushed natures debris. Crouching, I could make out a group of kids, about my age, in a circle, all peering at something. Now motionless, I began to hear through the sickening laughter of the gang as my ears picked up a weak, panicked growling.

To this day, I’m not sure why, but I ran. Ran straight towards the circle of laughing, jeering boys, as fast as I could, yelling at them to stop. My heart was pounding, all I heard now was the blood rushing through my ears as my feet began sinking into the mud, causing me to stumble and fall next to a collapsed, whimpering Growlithe. Pulling my head up from the soil, I turned and looked at the abused creature. His fur was thin and matted, and in the dim light I could see cuts and bruises all over its body. From its sprawled position on the ground, it snarled at the crowd, weak embers spitting out of its mouth, nothing more than lighting a match. Rocks littered the damp soil around where it lay. As I lay there, my heart started to settle and my hearing returned. The laughter had stopped. Rolling onto my back, I looked around, as six rather foul-mouthed kids, all dressed in black clothing and hooded jackets with their faces hidden from my position, began taunting me, a rain of verbal insults.

"Why would you care for something so weak?”
"Look at him, he’s as helpless as that stupid mutt!”
“They’re both pathetic!”
"Then we should treat them the same!”

And so the rocks started flying again. I scrambled to my knees and crouched over the mistreated Pokemon, my back stinging as it was pelted by stones. I had only one thought: I had to protect this Growlithe. It had to get better. From the corner of my eye, I saw a Potion lying in the mud. It must have fallen from my pocket when I fell. With a quick swipe, it was in my hand, and I sprayed its entire contents over the injured Pokemon. The gang stopped the barrage, and watched, as the Growlithe slowly got to its feet, fangs bared at the group, snarling. The physical injuries that covered its body were still visible, but it seemed to have regained energy at least. I didn’t know how Potions worked. As I stood, Growlithe stood between the gang and me, continued to issue its growling warning.
Finding my courage, and trying my best to sound intimidating, I spoke.

“Back off. He’s had enough.”
The tallest of the group stepped forward to meet me.
“That little runt? Nah, take a good look. He’s up again! The feisty little mutt wants to fight!”
“LEAVE IT!”
“We’ll see...” he said, issuing an ultimatum. With that, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a Pokeball.
“I’ll back off. Pokemon fight Pokemon, right? Well let’s see how this pathetic pup goes against mine!”

Spinning the black ball in his hand, he flung it into the air, and red light formed in the shape of a snake, becoming an Ekans in a flash. Great, I had to fight a snake Pokemon; not my favourite creature in the world. Taking a step back, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, doubts racing through my head. I don’t know how to battle Pokemon! Growlithe can... wait! Growlithe evolves into Arcanine! I know all of Arcanine’s moves!

I had been too caught up in my own thoughts and worries. Ekans had launched itself at Growlithe and had wrapped itself around the little Growlithe’s mid-section, squeezing tightly on its already open wounds. It wasn;t going to last long like this, though its head was still free. Panicked, I started shouting commands.

“Uhhh.... Bite it Growlithe!” I yelled, hoping this counted as an attack. With a snarl, fangs sung deep into the tough flesh of the purple snake, its eyes bulging, obviously feeling the damage from the powerful jaws now locked onto its slithering body. Growlithe let go as it unwound itself.

“USELESS POKEMON! I SHOULD HAVE LEFT YOU IN THE SEWER! Now, show them a REAL Bite!” The snake launched itself at Growlithe again, sinking its jaws deep into its already cut-riddled back; a loud howl of pain echoed under the concrete bridge. Watching though, even with my inexperience at the time, I could tell this Ekans was poorly trained. It gave me a little more confidence, and I began to think clearly.

“Growlithe, power up your bite, you can do Fire Fang... right? Aim for its tail!” Judging by the immediate reaction, the answer was clearly a yes. I watched intently as the tiny mouth, lined with razor sharp teeth, filled with fire and sunk into the trailing end of Ekans’ slithering tubelike body. As it pulled away, I could burns and scorch marks in a perfect circle.

“ARGH! Damnit Ekans, Gunk Shot! AND DO IT RIGHT!”
“Uhhh... JUST BREATHE FIRE OR SOMETHING!”

Too panicked to make a proper decision, I had to put my trust in the fact that Growlithe would know what it was doing. Frozen on the spot, I watched helplessly as Ekans let fly with a powerful ball of poisonous muck from its mouth, headed directly at Growlithe. As it turns out, the feisty lithe fire Pokemon knew exactly what to do. At the last second, flames erupted from Growlithe’s mouth, incinerating the deadly concoction of poisons and landing a direct hit on the mistreated Ekans. I felt sorry for it, too. It was only following orders.

“Forget it! Damn useless snake! It’s back to the drains for you!” The injured Ekans slowly began to slither away. Maybe it was glad to be free. The tall brute turned his attention to me next.
“Look at that mangy mutt now, you stupid brat. It can’t even stand! Nice work.” After a last scornful gaze, the group turned and left, leaving his charred Pokemon behind, as it slowly slithered away into the grass. But he was right. Crouching over what just seconds ago had been a fierce fighter, I could tell that Growlithe was hurt and exhausted, yelping quietly through his short, panting breaths. I heaved the injured puppy into my arms and I ran again. My clothes were still filthy for the most part, from my fall in the mud earlier, and I could feel dirt falling off as it dried. Over what seemed like ages, I gradually closed the distance between myself and home. I wasn’t being chased, but running still felt like the right thing to do. Wheezing heavily under the weight of my burden, I willed my body to continue, counting the houses as they became more and more familiar to me, until finally, my feet felt the soft grass of my front lawn under them. With the knowledge that I was home to safety, where everything would be alright again, I collapsed on the front lawn. The last thing I remember from that was, as I stared up at the clear night sky, was feeling pressure on my chest. Growlithe had sat up, and was pawing at me, whimpering in concern. I guess it saw me as its saviour. Closing my eyes, the world went black around me as I was overcome by my own exhaustion, consciousness slipping away.

The first thing I noticed was that my feet felt warm and heavy. I could tell that I was lying down. Moving my arms around in the darkness, I felt nothing but, soft, smooth material, on both sides of my hands. Struggling to make my groggy mind focus, I realised where I was; in between the satin sheets of my bed. It wasn’t dark – my eyes were closed. I slowly opened my eyes and felt the sleep gunk crack, allowing the slitted sunlight filtering through my blinds to flood into my pupils. Squinting and rubbing them with my fists, a blurry image of my surroundings came into focus. Plastic stars glued to the ceiling. If it was still dark, they’d be glowing. It was definitely my bedroom. I pulled my arms back beside me and tried to push myself up into a sitting position. Instantly, I winced, my back hurting as I moved. The pain brought back a wash of memories of the night before. Heart pounding in my chest again, the images raced around my mind; sick laughter, running, taunting, Growlithe, Ekans, the battle, running again, collapsing. Looking down, I quickly realised why my feet felt how they did. There, at the foot of my bed, was a sleeping Growlithe. Piecing my current situation together with the memories from last night, I realised that Mum must have taken care of the both of us. I was clean, for a start. Carefully sliding my legs out from under the gently snoring Pokemon, I swung them around to the side and tried to execute the usual little vault-jump out of bed. Pain shot up my back, and I knew this attempt was definitely a failure. The subsequent lack of co-ordination brought me crashing to the ground, dragging half the bed’s covers with me, in turn causing a startled puppy to jump off the bed, land on my back and roll off, bringing another loud grunt of pain from me as I lay on my bedroom floor trying to recover. A few moments later, a wet tongue suddenly lapped at my forehead, and I lifted my head up to see the little Growlithe, sitting on his hindquarters in front of me, head titled to the size with an almost puzzled look on its face. I grinned, slowly pulling my legs underneath me to stand up a little more successfully this time. Seemingly satisfied with this display of health, Growlithe panted happily, flicking its tail left to right on the carpet, deep, sparkling red eyes looking up at me. Even they seemed to have fire in them!

I began pacing around my room, back aching, the loyal little Growlithe kept at my heel, determined to follow me wherever I went. I had to figure out what to do. The poor thing had been through so much. How could people treat it, and even their own Pokemon, the way those good-for-nothing criminals had last night!? Why purpose did it serve? No! I could prevent it. Growlithe and I... WE could prevent it! But, just as quickly as ideas began flowing through my brain, they were crushed by an obvious realisation. Growlithe wasn’t my Pokemon. What right did I have to assume so? I sat down again, lost in thought. Growlithe promptly followed, parking itself square on my left foot, showing its canine grin up at me. It appeared, at least, that he wanted to stay with me. But even I knew, you had to catch Pokemon in a Pokeball, not just take them. Dad would have had some, but he wasn’t home.

As I thought of Dad, I remembered a present he had got me years and years ago, for one of my birthdays. With the promise that it would one day contain my first Pokemon, Dad had come home with a single, empty Pokeball. Surely I’d still have it somewhere! Searching through my cupboard, I found the dirty old ball at the back, behind a pile of magazines. Brushing the years of dust away, I quickly polished it up against my shirt, bringing its red and white surface to shine in the light, as the Growlithe sat on the ground at my feet; it was now watching me, with what I could have sworn was a smile etched through its canine features. I crouched down in front of it.

"I don’t know if you want to... but this is a Pokeball. When people want to keep Pokemon, they use one of these. Do you want to stay with me? Do you want me to keep you? I... I want to keep you.” I wasn’t sure why I was asking it, though somehow it seemed to understand. I placed the ball on the ground, and nervously took a few big paces back. I watched anxiously as Growlithe sniffed at the unfamiliar object, took a look at me, and poked the button that separated the ball’s hemispheres with its nose. Red light shot out and enveloped the little puppy, sucking it back inside the ball. I stood and watched, heart pounding in my ears, feeling like it was trying to escape my chest, holding my breath in excitement as the ball rocked and rattled on the wooden floorboards of my bedroom.

 

Re: Protecting the Puppy

Okay, so it took me longer than expected to actually sit down and do this. But anyway, here goes:

Introduction:

The introduction to this story seemed a little too lengthy, especially since it didn't have any bearing on the plot. It's like a bait-and-switch (this is what Slateport City is like… oh, except that's not what this story's about), you know? You spent a lot of time describing the main character's backstory, but it would have been much better for your story to jump more quickly into the plot, I think. It just seemed a little forced, especially since this story was written from the first person. Any pertinent information about the character can be spread out in a story where it becomes important.

For example, you could have started out by simply mentioning that the media portrayed Slateport in a really inaccurate light. Spend a sentence or maybe two talking about the wrong way it's portrayed, then say "But this is Slateport the way I see it:" and then spend another sentence or two talking about that. Mention the main character's poor background and the tough neighborhood, but don't go overboard. The first two paragraphs could probably have been condensed into one paragraph the size of the first one. The reader doesn't need to know every single detail of the way the main character lives; a good writer can help the reader to infer those things through the character's actions. I'm going to start getting into the description if I talk any more here, so I'll save it.

Story/Plot:

This story was kind of lacking in events. It pretty much consisted of the main character saving the Growlithe and waking up at his house to find that he was all cleaned up. For your first story, and for part of a series… it's acceptable. But there is one thing you need to keep in mind, especially since you're writing a series: suspense. Right now, the story feels like it's done, and there's no hint that anything else is ever going to happen to these characters. When you write individual stories as part of a series, it can be hard to really develop the individual plots. That's why you need to build some sort of underlying plot line, something that pops up in each story, to build suspense and connect all of the individual stories. It will keep the reader excited about your story, so that even if one individual plot is kind of bland, the story as a whole will keep their interest.

Description/Detail:

One thing I thought your description lacked was sensory detail. Since this is written from first person, the character can really go into detail about all five senses from their perspective. The details you used just weren't very vivid in some parts. Try to imagine yourself in the characters shoes and describe what he sees, hears, smells, feels, and sometimes even tastes. Just make sure there's a good balance between description and action. For example, the introduction to this story was a lot of description, but no action whatsoever. Sometimes that's okay, but if it doesn't have some kind of place in the plot, maybe you should reconsider condensing or omitting certain things.

Grammar/Spelling:

Maybe I just wasn't Grammar Nazi enough this time, but nothing jumped out at me. So yeah, proofread just in case and you'll be fine.

Length:

As you said, it was under the minimum. This isn't always a problem, but when it's coupled with a bland plot, it becomes one. Think of other events that could occur during the story. Not just random things, but perhaps something that points towards what might happen later in the series. Not only will it add to the excitement of reading, it'll add some length too. Description can also add length, but avoid too much fluff.

Method of Capture:

So there wasn't really a battle or a "capture," per se, but the character certainly put in some effort saving the Growlithe from its assailants. It's believable; I'm sure if I were a Pokemon, I would become pretty attached to anyone who saves me from getting beaten up. So this is acceptable, especially since it's pretty much the entire story. There's really not much else to say, I guess.

Outcome:

It's really hard for me to decide this. For your first story, this was pretty good. However, your story was short because very little actually happened. In fact, a good portion of its length came from the long intro that didn't contain much plot at all. I'm going to have to say Growlithe not captured, because I don't feel that this story was up to the standards it needed to be, and I'm not just talking raw character count. I want you to think of something else you could add to the story, specifically something that will foreshadow events later in the series. Think about the plot that's going to underlie the entire series, and start something in this story that will build suspense and make me want to read even more. Remember, even a prologue has to lead into the plot of the next stories, and just catching a Growlithe isn't quite enough.

PM me for a regrade any time. And most importantly, don't get discouraged just because you failed this one time. You're a good writer, you just barely missed this. Add the one part I asked you to, and you're good to go.

 

Re: Protecting the Puppy

Okay, it's good enough for the capture now. One thing: I noticed a lot of typos this time around. However, that's not really a big deal considering your writing is fine.

Growlithe captured.

 

Re: Protecting the Puppy - Part 2 now up

Pokemon: Nincada x 2
Required Length: 10,000 - 20,000
Actual Length: 15,791

Continues on from the above story.

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My heartbeat slowly quieted in my chest; it no longer felt like the powerful blood pump was trying to tear its way out of my ribcage. I stared with excitement at the single, motionless Pokeball lying on my bedroom floor. I knew that inside that gleaming sphere lay the adorable little Growlithe I had rescued the previous night, yet somehow even I couldn’t bring myself to believe that it was really mine. That I wasn’t really still in bed, dreaming. Catching my first Pokemon was a fairly common theme to emerge in my subconscious fantasies. Shakily, I picked up the ball and pressed the lone button that split the white and red hemispheres. Growlithe materialised in front of me as more red light flashed against the cream, poster covered walls of my bedroom in an eerily exciting display

“YES! It’s real!” I exclaimed, jumping around in excitement, my feet booming against the wooden floor. Growlithe watched me for a minute before joining in, prancing at my heels, chasing me. Obviously, my strange behaviour was a game of some sort to him. Tiring, I sat down, and Growlithe turned his attention to our surroundings. He slowly walked around, following his nose into corners and under the bed, or gazing at the large collection of Pokemon paraphernalia I had obtained. I watched as particular focus was given to the poster of Blaine’s Arcanine – a photo of it mid-air, poised above some poor trainer’s Blastoise as they battled inside the volcano of Cinnibar. Growlithe sat with his head tilted, looking intently. It was impossible not to sense that he felt some sort of connection with the photo, more than the obvious evolutionary familiarity.

A loud rapping on the door of my bedroom drew the attention of both of us as Mum entered into the room, her worried gaze quickly changing to relief as she saw me awake and out of bed. Mum was wearing her bath gown, her long wet hair a glistening brown, sticking to the back. The gown dangled down around her feet, a bit too long for her short figure, forever surprising me that it was never tripped over. Guess I got my clumsiness elsewhere. It must have still been early morning; Mum was always showered and ready early. Growlithe immediately ran up and sat at her feet when he noticed her come in. Mum had always had a way with Pokemon; they always seemed to have a natural affection towards her, and Growlithe was no exception. As she reached down to pat Growlithe, who was now franticly running around her legs and trying to chew on her shoes, Mum looked me up and down and chided me for the racket Growlithe and I had made. After frustratingly insisting on checking to make sure I wasn’t hurt, she sat down and I explained the events of the previous night. How I had found Growlithe, why I didn’t have the potion I was sent to get, and how I’d managed to escape with Growlithe after fighting off that creepy Ekans and his horrible trainer. Surprisingly, Mum didn’t interrupt, or interject her opinion on what I should have done, as I’d grown so accustomed to hearing. She let me finish everything, and slowly pondered what I had said before speaking.

“Well... I think you did the right thing Jye, and I’m very proud of you. Not many kids around here would have done that. In fact most of them would have joined in...” Mum sighed, a common occurrence when she thought about the nature of the neighbourhood we lived in. “I’m glad you’re alright. But, we still need to work out what to do with this Growlithe. It’s not like-”
I didn’t let her finish. “What? Well I’m keeping him ...right? I used my Pokeball, he’s mine!”
The familiar look of regret appeared on Mum’s face, the same one that always appeared during my childhood when she wanted to give me something, but couldn’t.
“You know you’re not licensed!”

Of course. Here’s the Mum I expected. My childish ideas of being able to prevent the mistreatment of Pokemon were crushed. Others would be going through what Growlithe had to suffer, and those responsible would get away with it. My heart sank. She was right though. I wasn’t licensed, and the process of getting it would just fall victim to the same reasons for which I didn’t have it in the first place. Damn facts and logic, I liked my fantasy!

“You know how sorry I am that we haven’t been able to take you...” Mum paused and stared at the wall. It was her thinking pose. “Although... I suppose one of us could technically own it, your father or me. I mean.... the little thing is cute after all... and certainly seems to like you!” Mum said with a smile, as the cheeky pup head-butted my leg before curling up on top of my feet once again. I felt the familiar excitement in me rise, and I leapt to my feet, startling Growlithe, who seemed fairly unappreciative as he jumped out of the way.
“Really!? You can do that!?”
“Hahaha, not so fast! I can’t be that easy on you now can I! First, I need to know you can handle the responsibility, prove yourself to me.” Mum took another moment to think, every second drawing out the suspense in my mind. “You know those holes that keep appearing in my garden, and the plants that keep getting eaten and destroyed? I’ve been thinking about it, and my best guess would be that some sort of Pokemon is tearing it up. If you can, with Growlithe of course, catch it together, I reckon you’ll have proved that you’re capable of training Growlithe. And then yes, I’ll let you keep him.” Mum tried to reach into her pocket, but never got a chance as I wrapped my arms around her in a bear hug. Growlithe jumped and barked happily around us, sensing the positive atmosphere and wanting to be a part of it.
“AWESOME! Thank you!” I yelled in delight, squeezing Mum tightly.
“Alright, alright! It’s not THAT awesome, you haven’t done it yet. Here, take this.” Mum managed to wriggle free, and handed me three little, shrunken Pokeballs. “These are probably a bit newer than that one you used on Growlithe. They’ll shrink down to fit in your pocket, but grow to about the same size as that old one when you need to use them. Good luck!”

Mum left me to my thoughts. A Pokemon ruining the garden... could be a bird maybe? They often dig up the soil! No... a bird wouldn’t have eaten the plants. And they were holes to tunnels, not just on the surface, so maybe it was a Ground Pokemon... like Diglett! But they tunnel for miles, not stay in the one place. And again, a Diglett wouldn’t have eaten the plants. Bugs... now that makes sense! Burrowing, plant chewing bugs. And Fire Pokemon are great against bugs!

“Come on Growlithe! It’s bug-catching time!” I raced downstairs and out the backdoor, Growlithe following close at my heels. The cool wind hit me as I took my first step outside, still heading full pace towards the garden, the freshly mown grass soft under my feet. Sure enough, as I reached the torn up garden, the richly fertilized soil was littered with holes, and the leaves of the plants showed signs of biting and clawing, as well as most of them wilting.
I knelt down and examined the overturned soil. I felt like a detective, studying a case. Growlithe got to work too and followed my lead, sniffing about and burrowing his nose into the dirt in different places. I focused my attention on the holes. At first glance, they seemed to be random, just a Swiss-cheese garden of ruined roots. But a certain pattern began to emerge; some holes had distinct sizes. In fact, the maze of burrows had two distinct sizes up here on the surface; the larger ones must have been almost 3 times the size of the rest.

“Hmm... What do you think this means boy?” I questioned Growlithe, as he pulled his nose from the ground to look at me with an almost puzzled expression. I guess that meant he didn’t know. Or didn’t know what I was saying. I really was no detective! Research, that’s what I should have done. As I shot back inside the house and up the stairs, I vaguely heard Mum tell me to slow down as I headed straight for the computer. There had to be some information on some sort of burrowing bug, surely! After about 20 minutes of searching though the usual useless Internet spam (No, I don’t need drugs to enlarge my rock-hard snake. I don’t have an Onix), a remarkable website called Bulbapedia had my answer.

“MUM! I KNOW WHAT IT IS!” I was going to be in trouble for yelling at her from another room again, but Mum came up to see anyway. “Look, Nincada! It’s a bug that burrows underground, and feeds from tree roots. That HAS to be what it is.”

Reading over my shoulder at information I had collected, Mum seemed impressed, and grinned at me. “Nice work mate, that’s clever of you. I wasn’t expecting you to actually put effort into knowing what you’re up against. It’s a good sign, should be no trouble at all now, right?” I left Mum to watch as I belted out of my room again, stumbling a little on the stairs, out the door, over the lawn, and straight back to the garden. I began talking to Growlithe again, mostly for the sake of going over my own thoughts. “Alright... so we’ve got a Nincada down here... but what was it about sunlight that website said? Nincada like to avoid it, I think, which is why they like to stay underground. Well then... how are we going to get it out?” Plonking down on the grass, I stared at the sky as I contemplated a strategy. “Hah, maybe I don’t have to!” Finding one of the bigger holes, I picked one of the Pokeballs out of my pocket, pressing the small button on it and watching in awe and it grew to the size of my old one, fitting perfectly my hand. This was DEFINITELY new technology. I squatted down, and rolled the ball down the hole, listening quietly. I could hear the Nincada moving around, the ball rolling.... YES! The increasingly familiar sucking sound echoed up out of the small tunnel. The Pokeball had found its target! Rattle.... CRACK!

“Damnit!” I quickly became annoyed at my own stupidity. Of course, you had to weaken the Pokemon first. And besides, how was I going to get the ball back out if it HAD worked. Stupid plan. Although, at least I now knew where the damn thing was. “Hmm... maybe Growlithe could frighten the bug out?” I thought as an idea struck me.

“Growlithe! Over here boy! Alright, I want you to Roar down this hole here, ok? Let’s force that Nincada above ground!” The clever canine trotted over, and stood poised over the hole as I moved out of the way. Opening its mouth, it let loose a somewhat juvenile Roar, but it seemed to do the trick. The sound echoed back up out of the hole, and I watched the others impatiently as the sounds of movement continued to rise from the ground.
“THERE!” From the far side of the garden, I saw a set of claws appear from one of the smaller holes. A tiny Nincada scurried out of the garden onto the grass, darting between shadows, looking for a place to hide from the sun.

“Go Growlithe, get it! Ember attack!” Growlithe pounced after the escaping bug, my clumsy feet crushing some flowers along the way as I chased after him. Small flames shot out of his mouth every few feet as he gained ground, singeing the grass in patches. Growlithe was nearly on top of it now! Growlithe stopped, prepared himself, and let out another seemingly stronger Ember attack straight at the scuttling cicada. Just as it was about to hit, a loud buzzing echoed out across the yard, and the Ember attack flared and burnt out short of its intended target. Stepping aside to see around Growlithe, I saw another Nincada, much larger than the one we were chasing, facing up against Growlithe.

“OH WOW! There were two of you? Of course.... the different sized holes! Well that’s obvious.... yet another stupid mistake by me.“ Well this was interesting; I was now up against two opponents. And this second Nincada seemed to be a built like a tank!

“No worries Growlithe, you can take it! Ember!” Growlithe jumped back and poised, battle ready, shooting more flames out of its mouth at the huge Nincada, which had now curled itself into a ball. The flames were a direct hit, bursting on its shell in a brilliant flare of flickering light!

“YEAH! ....Wait, what? It’s fine? How is that possible!?!” I could do nothing but watch as this monster of a bug uncurled itself and stood up on its claws again, jumping out and slashing at Growlithe, completely unfazed by the direct-hit fire attack.
“NO! Growlithe, are you alright?” The hit connected on Growlithe’s flank, and he stumbled a little to the side, but appeared to be fine. Obviously, this bug had a hard shell, but couldn’t do much when it came to attacking. Still, Growlithe was going to need a stronger attack if he wanted to have any hope of taking down this giant insect, which stood dominantly in front of its smaller companion. “Fire Fang Growlithe, go for it!” It was Growlithe’s turn to pounce now, leaping towards its opponent. Teeth ablaze, he was ready to latch on ready to latch on and landed... on empty grass.

“What the.... where the hell is it? Hang on... another hole... THAT DAMN THINGS GONE UNDERGROUND AGAIN! DAMN... SNEAKY... BUGS!” In my rage, I failed to notice that the smaller, but much more agile Nincada had also snuck underground while Growlithe fought the larger of the two. Flying out of the ground from underneath Growlithe, the small Nincada’s claws sunk into his stomach. A yelp of pain snapped me back to the situation at hand.

“Growlithe! Those sneaky cicadas are attacking from underground.... Another Roar, bring them back out!”
This time, a much more fearsome Roar sounded out across the backyard, Growlithe clearly as angered by the sneaky tactics as I was. And, without fail, the two Nincadas both scurried back up out of their holes and started to run away.

“Flamethrower, hit both of them Growlithe! Make it a big one!” I had no idea if Growlithe knew how to use Flamethrower or not, but so far every move had worked. Growlithe cocked its head at me, questioningly, then chased after the persistent pair. I was about to find out, watching intently as Growlithe caught up, a ball of white flames growing in his mouth. Wait... white? In an instant, Growlithe stopped, as suddenly what appeared to be winds, almost waves of orange fire swept out towards both of the scurrying Nincada, rolling over them both in quick succession. Surely that couldn’t..... That’s... a Heat Wave attack! I’m sure of it! But that’s really high level... How can it... As I stood there partly in shock after watching the battle unfold, Growlithe, pleased with his efforts, left the two weakened, semi-conscious Nincada and returned, beaming happily up at me with its rows of canine teeth.

“Uhh... wow Growlithe. That’s amazing! YOU’RE amazing!” I said, still a little in awe. “I don’t know how you know these moves... Very nice job with those Nincada... but you also burnt half the yard to ashes. We’re in trouble!” Growlithe crouched down and nuzzled my leg. “Awww... it’s ok, I forgive you. That was too cool! Let’s just hope Mum forgives us too, hey?”

Pulling the two remaining Pokeballs out of my pocket, I walked over to where the Nincada lay, shells showing scorch marks of the battle. Looking back over my shoulder, Growlithe continued to sit on his haunches, beaming a grim at me. The damage from one attack was astounding. That was one awesome Growlithe I had found.

“Come on you two. Let’s get you into these so we can help you get better!” I turned my attention back to the dazed Nincada. Pressing the buttons on the Pokeballs, I held one in each hand as they enlarged to fill my hand. Red light enveloped the two Nincada, sucking them inside simultaneously. It was a weird sensation, feeling them vibrate and rattle, and I dropped them on the ground in surprise. This time, Growlithe was on the other side of the ball, and got the opportunity to watch with me in suspense, as we waited for the silence that signalled a successful capture.

 

Claimed. My God, this might be the first story I've gotten done within a week in months. '^^

 

Intro: Your intro starts out strong, pulling me into this chapter and bringing me up to date on the situation with Growlithe. Good job!

Plot: You did pretty good with your plot too. You used it to bring out a lot of personality in Jye, his mother, and Growlithe, which is always nice for us graders to see. Also, I liked the foreshadowing:

and:

So all together, good job!
Dialogue: Your dialogue was natural, flowed well, and made your characters more three dimensional. Not much else for me to say here.

Grammar: You did pretty good on grammar. Just a couple problems with commas.

There doesn't need to be a comma here:

It can just be:

Another place you don't need a comma:

It could be:

Detail: Your detail was what really made your story shine. You added all these little things that made your characters and the plece they were in seem real. Also, this literally made me laugh for about five minutes. My mom kept giving me weird looks.

xD That's pretty much all I have to say here, other than, nice Bulbapedia name drop.

Length: You needed a minimum of 10k and you had 15.7k so you're good.

Reality: Nothing struck me as unrealistic in your story so good job.

Personal Feelings: I think your story's cute and I want to know what the deal is with the Growlithe so.....

Outcome: Two Nincada....Captured.

Other than a few grammatical errors, you're story was great so here's your Nincada: