Prologue to Sahma's story (FOR CASH)-(Comments welcome!)

(The prize I am trying for is cash, the pokemon included in this story are already mine, merely a beginning story to get my adventure started. Also I want to see how the grading system works before writing more complex stories.)
Target:Easiest 3k
Character count: 3,304

The story of Sahma’s journey was one that was truly a unique one. His history was so unique that nobody would be talking about it at all, regardless of what anyone wished. When he was born, his birth father had already passed away; during that time, Sahma’s mother had died within three months of his birth, both of his birth parents were high-ranking members of Team Rocket. The only thing he had received from his birth parents was an Eevee egg; which later hatched within two years. Eventually, with the disband of Team Rocket and his main financial support Giovani ending Team Rocket, he was sent to an orphanage. While he was alone, he traveled far and away with his Eevee which was also just a baby at the time: he then was sent to Unova. While in Unova, an organization named Team Plasma was being founded, and Ghetsis was obsessed with finding a heir who would truly succeed him, among these people was Natural Harmonia Gropius, as well as Anthea and Concordia, Ghetsis still wanted a secret child, this would be Sahma. Next, Sahma would be raised by none other than Ghetsis of Team Plasma, and would truly provide himself to have been a valuable member. Sahma has a role model within Team Plasma, his own adoptive brother Natural Harmonia Gropius, otherwise known as N. Sahma finally had a home and it did not matter whether that would be in a criminal organization or whether he was fighting for righteousness. Team Plasma was defeated by the legendary Black who provided himself a valuable challenge and disbanded Team Plasma within three years of Sahma being in Ghetsis’s kingdom: now Sahma was only six years old, and hadn’t fully comprehended being a fully capable pokemon trainer. Before Ghetsis could take Sahma, N decided to take care of him and brought Reshiram with him, so now Sahma would go on various travels. Even more time had passed and Team Neo Plasma was formed and N had defeated Ghetsis with the help of another trainer named Nate. Team Neo Plasma was defeated and from that day Sahma had been eight years old, during this time N decided to give Sahma a Deino which was just a new-born and N had hoped that Sahma would be ready to fight evil just like him.

The history was only a tiny part of Sahma’s story, the actual story was much more complex. When Sahma had seen abused pokemon in Ghetsis’s castle as a boy, he had wanted to fight evil, Ghetsis was truly known to play on other’s emotions. Eevee during this time would try it’s best to make friends with the abused pokemon, because it had a truly compassionate heart. It even viewed Team Plasma as the hope for pokemon liberation. N being the role model told Sahma not to get overtly involved in the idea of Team Plasma, and told him to stay away from Team Plasma.

A description of Sahma as a person, he is a brave teenager who is ready to protect pokemon. Sahma has red hair, blue-eyes, a black scar on his face from the orphanage that reaches from his cheek to his neck, and most importantly he is 6’1’’ and weighs only 160 lbs. His skin color is a wheat and brown mix, and he has a warrior-like attire to represent his freedom for pokemon. He refers to himself as S in respect to N. He has a sword on his back to represent that he’s always ready to fight for righteousness. And finally, he is a guy with a big heart.

 

claim ^^

 

@Sahma

Story:

Hi there and welcome to the Story section! As a heads up, you don't necessarily need to write about the Pokemon you own in your URPG stories. Here, the entire Pokemon universe is open to you! Feel free to write about Pokemon you don't have and craft stories out of characters that aren't your URPG trainer, too!

Now, onto your story! You presented us with two really cool character stories here - that of Sahma, S, and of Natural, N. So much great creativity went into the narratives you've written for both characters; and I'm personally a fan of story arcs that begin at a character's birth and follow them throughout time or their ends. We have a great raw summary here of these two characters, and that makes me excited for the rest of your story!

Now that you've mapped out an idea of how and where you want your characters to grow, it may be helpful to choose where you want to start the story. These ideas are rich and expansive, but they have a much higher impact on readers when they're told through actions and not summaries. I'd suggest starting at any one of these moments you've presented to us (ex: S and his Eevee, meeting N) and explaining everything important about that moment. How do you see it unfold before your eyes? In those moments, you want to give your readers a description of characters; you want the plot to slowly unfold, allowing us to gently wade into your story until you've captured us for the long haul.

Description:

I love the description you gave for S! You gave us both quality attributes about him and physical traits too, which really provided a full picture of this character. I'd encourage you to think about how you can show these descriptions to the audience through the actions of the story, additionally. For example, what does bravery look like? What does a big heart look like for S? By showing these through actions, I think you'll end up writing very exciting plot moments, too!

Grammar:

To help figure out how to plot and pace the moments you give us, I think spacing our your paragraphs could be helpful. We want to begin a new paragraph every time we have a fresh idea; and we want to end it when that idea has concluded. The first paragraph you have contained a lot of cool ideas that ran together a little too quickly, but by spacing this out, I think you would have an easier time deciding what to elaborate upon and when! For example, we could space out the above paragraph like so:

Spoiler

What could you expand upon in each of the above paragraphs if you wanted to explain everything more?

That's a lot to work through, so that's enough for this section~

Outcome:

3k Awarded! YAY CONGRATULATIONS on writing a very fun first story! I'm excited to see what you write next and hope you continue to visit this section, too! Please feel free to im or pm me at any time to discuss this grade or anything Story related ^^