Pathway to the Underground

Pathway to the Underground​

Chapter 1 – The Encounter​

My life has changed dramatically as of late, you probably won’t believe what I’ll tell you now but bear with me, it’s a story that will make your ears spin. You like a good story, no? Well then I’ll start from the beginning.

It was late at night and I thought I was all alone in the streets of Goldenrod City. As you might know, Goldenrod City is a place with a thriving economy. Many big corporations are located here and the city has been getting bigger every year. Though the humans mostly enjoy these changes, many Pokemon experience harm through it. Chased away from their natural habitat to come back and see that the spot they were born in had just become a department store.

That’s why I decided to become a silent hero of the night. I went out and gave these wandering Pokemon food and cared for them until they were healthy enough to go out in the wild again.

Then on a fateful night I heard a rather deep voice coming from behind me. ‘What are you doing out here all by yourself at this hour, little boy?’ he asked me. I was startled by the man at first but I could see that he meant no harm so I introduced myself and answered his question. He was impressed by the things I did for these Pokemon. ‘You know what? He said, ‘I’ll give you a Pokemon free of charge.

Needless to say I was ecstatic. My very own Pokemon, who could have thought that? He told me the Pokemon he was willing to give me was a Cyndaquil. I was surprised when he said this to me, after all a Cyndaquil is a very rare Pokemon. I asked him why he would give away such a rare Pokemon to a kid he didn’t know?

‘The Cyndaquil had fallen ill, I was planning on bringing him to the Daycare Center but they already had too many Pokemon to take care of. After hearing this I decided to try my luck in Olivine City. I had heard stories about some people around those parts who also take in sick Pokemon. Although I don’t see a need to travel any further than here, that is if you agree to take good care of this Cyndaquil for me.’

I didn’t hesitate a single second before exclaiming I would gladly accept this man’s offer. Caring for sick Pokemon has been something I had quite a bit of experience with after all.

‘Marvelous!’ the man suddenly shouted, ‘Boy, tell me your name and I promise I will remember it,’ he asked me then. ‘Herb, sir,’ was the only thing I managed to get out of my mouth. The man laughed and said I reminded him of a certain other trainer when he was my age.

I then asked the man for his name. This is what he told me: ‘I go by many names, honestly you could say I’m a bit famous, although I wouldn’t hold it against you if you did not know me. The name I am usually recognized by is Professor Elm. I have a lab in Newbark Town, you should come by some time.’

Before I could say anything back to the man, he had already turned around and left for his hometown. Well, I guess it couldn’t be helped. He mentioned something about dropping by at his lab, maybe I should do that soon.

However, I had different matters on my mind at the moment. There was a Pokeball in my hand with a sick Cyndaquil in it. I looked around for a bit and noticed no more sick Pokemon around, so I decided to go home and have a solid night of sleep.

Once I got home I wasn’t able to close my eyes for even a second. My mind was still trying to process what had just happened. A random man came up to me and gave me a Pokemon. After trying to sleep for a couple of hours unsuccessfully, I got up and reached for the Pokeball.

I was nervous, what if the Pokemon was hurt so bad that it wouldn’t survive. Did the man only give away a dying Pokemon because he wanted someone else to go through the hassle of seeing it die and having to bury it? No, that couldn’t be it. That professor guy was sincere about this, I could feel it.

After a bit of thinking over every scenario that came to my head I opened the ball. A bright red light came out of it that illuminated my entire room. I managed to make out the shadow of the Cyndaquil in the midst of the light. When the light had faded away I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was absolutely nothing wrong with this Cyndaquil!

It was very active even at this late hour. After a few seconds of confusion, the Cyndaquil look at me. I could see a smile forming on his face as he ran up to me. Still in a daze, I picked him up. The Cyndaquil didn’t mind it one bit even though it had only known me for a couple of seconds.

That was when I noticed a tiny necklace around its neck. It seemed like there was some kind of paper stuck in the necklace. I took it out and opened it up. The only thing that was on there was a vague message saying ‘Congratulations, you’ve passed the test!’ and an address.

I figured this must have been the mysterious Professor’s work. So the next day I packed my bag and headed towards Newbark Town. It was a journey that took a few weeks. The only way I could get to Newbark Town from Goldenrod City was by foot, so I didn’t have much of a choice.

Chapter 2 – The Journey​

The very first place I stumbled upon was Violet City. It was the second most populous place in all of Johto after only the metropolis of Goldenrod City. However, it didn’t feel like a city at all. The buildings were way more traditional than the ones in my hometown. Instead of stone there was wood and instead of putting the emphasis on effectivity, the city was clearly made with the thought of making it as peaceful and beautiful as possible.

I ventured into the Sprout Tower to have a good rest before I moved on to the next town. The monks in the place where really nice, they offered me tea and a full plate of delicious food. It was traditional food consisting mostly of noodles, I had never before eaten something that great. It really restored my energy.
I thanked the monks and continued going up the tower. When I reached the top I saw two imposing figures talking with each other. One of them looked like the head monk and the other was a young man with strange blue hair.

The head monk was the first to notice my presence. He asked me if I had come up the tower to challenge him to a battle? I quickly dismissed his question, as I was only sightseeing.

‘Oh really?’ the head monk said in a slightly depressing tone. He then went on over how trainers from all over would come to the tower to train in order to beat Violet City’s gym leader. Now that the old Pokemon League has been replaced by a new organization after the reveal that Team Rocket had members in the top of the organization.

This incident happened only two years ago when the now legendary trainers, Ethan and Red, eliminated Team Rocket from the lands of Johto and Kanto respectively. They were also both champions of their respective region at the time. Though they still agreed with laying down their function to a new group of people.

The man beside the head monk introduced himself as Falkner. ‘I was the Violet City gym leader before the Pokemon League had to disband,’ he told me, ‘Times have become more peaceful but certainly a lot less lively in the towns that profited greatly from their gyms.’

He said: ‘The new gyms barely do anything for the cities and towns they are located in, they are just associated with the new league and have minimal connection with the places they are in.’

I could tell that this man wasn’t happy with the state Johto was currently in. I then asked him: ‘Well, that’s a good point, but this is necessary to keep Team Rocket away.’

The man looked at me as if he just saw a baby Pidgey making its first attempt at flying out of its nest. It was strangely endearing but at the same time slightly humiliating. Falkner noticed that it made me feel uncomfortable, so he started explaining why he reacted in such a manner.

‘We barely know these people who run this new organization. They go under codenames, there is not a single member of the new organization that has openly revealed his or her name. Isn’t that suspicious? If this was supposed to be a new ruling body that would rid the continent of crime, why are they acting in such a mysterious and vague way?’

He asked me if I hadn’t noticed anything strange in the new rules. There was no longer a limit to how many Pokemon a trainer could take with him nor was there a limit on the amount of moves a Pokemon was allowed to use in battle. Now that I thought about it, it was actually a bit odd. These rules would greatly benefit a group like Team Rocket instead of harm them. Was this league secretly a second resurgence of Team Rocket, was it an even more dangerous group trying to get control over Kanto and Johto now that Team Rocket had been eliminated or was Falkner just seeing things?

Falkner told me I shouldn’t concern myself all that much with it, since it was only a theory of him but he advised me that I should watch my step when dealing with this new organization.

I thanked him and the head monk for their time and headed out of the tower onto Route 31 on my way to Cherrygrove City. The story about the new organization made me doubt the peace I had been living in for the last two years. What if it’s just a plot to do even more evil things? Who could I trust and who shouldn’t I?

Then it came to me that Professor Elm could also be a part of the new organization. Weren’t professors affiliated with the Pokemon League? What would happen if he turns out to be a bad guy? I was contemplating whether I should continue my journey or not. I really wasn’t sure at the time.

I then felt something moving in my bag. Cyndaquil popped out of his Pokeball and stood in front of me. He looked at me with a confident face I had never seen him make before. He signed me to come with him.

He ran out in front of me. My instincts kicked in and I followed my Cyndaquil all the way up till Cherrygrove City. There he ran into a house. I hesitated for a bit but then decided to follow my newest companion into the house.

Inside the house sat a middle aged man. He at first looked at my Cyndaquil and then at me. He grinned and said: ‘Did that Elm guy find another candidate for our resistance?’ I was taken aback. What resistance was he talking about? Did it have something to do with what Falkner said about the new organization being corrupt?

The man continued: ‘Hmm? He didn’t tell you about it yet? I think it’s better for you to go to him directly and hear it from him. He’ll tell you all you need to know.

I nodded and made my way to his door as he stopped me in my step with the words ‘hey kid, don’t worry too much.’ These words made me feel a certain comfort I hadn’t felt since leaving my home.

I carried on with my journey through Cherrygrove City. This city was still just as it was two years ago. There was no gym here before and there still isn’t. Seeing all these people who didn’t seem to be bothered by the same problems as Falkner and the middle aged man made me feel even better.

As I made my way through Route 29 I had regained my upbeat step. The trees were in full bloom, the Pokemon in the area were happy and the weather was nice. When I saw Newbark Town from far away my nervousness came back.

I knew that there shouldn’t be anything to be afraid of there but I still had that ominous feeling that this new organization could actually make the lives of the people troublesome if the stories turn out to be true.

I entered Newbark Town with all the courage I could gather. There I stood in front of the lab. There was a sign next to it that said: ‘The home of research, the place to begin your adventure!’

Chapter 3 – Coming to Terms​

I took a deep breath and stepped through the door. The first I saw was Professor Elm sitting behind his computer. I made him aware of my presence by greeting him. The professor was delighted to see me. He happily said: ‘Nice job on clearing your second test!’

The first thing I did was ask him about the new organization and the resistance that I had heard about on my journey to Newbark town. Elm understood what happened to me on my journey. ‘He asked me: ‘Who exactly told you these things, Herb?’

I told him about my encounter with Falkner and the mysterious middle aged man. Professor Elm then sighed and told me: ‘I didn’t want to tell this to you before you had succeeded in clearing your final test but if Falkner and Giovanni themselves told you about it, I guess there is no using in trying to hide it from you any longer.’

Hearing the name Giovanni shocked me. I shouted: ‘Giovanni?! The man who was at the head of Team Rocket?!’ ‘Yes,’ answered Elm calmly, ‘Exactly that Giovanni.’ I couldn’t believe my ears, one of the former gym leaders and a Pokemon professor working together with Team Rocket.

Elm then went on with the same calm voice: ‘His days with Team Rocket are in the past, he hasn’t had any part in the operations of Team Rocket since his defeat at the hands of Red five years ago.’

I was still not sure what to think of it and it clearly showed on my face. All of this was a lot to take in for a kid like me, so Professor Elm offered me a seat and something to drink. I accepted his offer and came to my senses.

These people were on to something with this new organization, I could trust them. No, I should trust them. Nothing was more important to me than the wellbeing of everyone and these people think I can make a change for the better in this region.

I asked Elm what would be next for me. ‘If you truly believe in what we are trying to do then you should take the last trial,’ he answered me, ‘When you have completed this trial, you’ll be a full-fledged member of the resistance.’

I had made up my mind, of course I was going to take this last test. The first two tests were to find out if my personality and mindset would fit in with their group. It would only seem logical that the last test would also be like this.

It turned out I was wrong though. The last test wasn’t a test of personality, it was a test of skill. Elm wanted me to capture a Pokemon but not just any Pokemon. I had to go up the harsh environment of Route 45 and catch a Phanpy.

In theory this shouldn’t be hard but Professor Elm knew my Cyndaquil would have a type disadvantage against a ground-type like Phanpy. Not to mention that it would also teach me how to get out of dangerous situations by having to run away from the many powerful and menacing Pokemon in this area like Ursarings and Skarmorys.

The test was hard but fair. If I would be able to complete this trial as a beginning trainer then I’d be guaranteed to be able to travel everywhere without much trouble. Something that would be essential to my role in the resistance Elm told me.

The professor wished me good luck and sent me on my way to Route 45. I first had to go back a bit onto Route 29 and then move north onto Route 46, from there on I should keep moving north and I should be there in no time.

As I moved through the gate, the gatekeeper looked at me and asked: ‘What is a kid like you planning to do up ahead? Are you going to have a picnic? If so, I would advise against it. You’d be better off heading back onto Route 29, the nature and wildlife there are much better suited for something along those lines.
When I told him I wasn’t going north for a picnic but to catch a Phanpy on Route 45 instead he started laughing out loud. It was so loud that I’m pretty sure my friends and family back in Goldenrod City must have heard him. He then said while still laughing: ‘You have got to be kidding me boy. Many experienced trainers go up there to catch the rare Pokemon on that route to come back hours later without even having made it to Route 45.’

If this was true then I certainly had a tough challenge ahead of me. I said goodbye to the gatekeeper and went on with my journey.

I quickly found out that what the gatekeeper had told me earlier was no joke. There were lots of steep hills I had to pass. I started climbing but I wasn’t all that big so it was difficult for me to make it further. After several long hours I had only managed to traverse a small distance.

Then I looked up to an large hill. It was several times bigger than me and pretty much impossible to scale without a Pokemon carrying you up one way or another. Cyndaquil wasn’t a Pokemon that would be able to do such a thing however, so I had to look for another way onto Route 45.

I searched around the area for a while looking for a pathway. Sadly this wasn’t going according to plan. The only way to get to Route 45 was to climb the hill it seemed. I was almost ready to give up and tell Professor Elm to look for someone else who was more adept than me but then I saw an opening in the mountain to the left of the hill.

‘Dark Cave,’ it said on a sign in front of it. I had heard about this cave from my father. It stretched across the entire eastern part of Johto. If I went through this cave I might find a way onto Route 45, so I went into the dark and hoped for the best.

Chapter 4 – Dark Cave​

My arms were bruised, my legs were worn out and I still had no idea if I was heading in the right direction. It was so dark that the only way to navigate was by touching the walls.

Then it hit me. I’m not alone on this, I have my Cyndaquil with me. I called Cyndaquil out of his Pokeball. At first I had no idea where he was but he let out a tiny ember to show his location. At that instance I could see that there was a ledge that I had to climb on to continue.

I asked my Cyndaquil if he could maintain his Ember throughout the cave. Cyndaquil made a bit of a squeak, he was happy to finally be of use to me.
Now that I had a small window in which I could see, navigating suddenly became a lot easier. I made it over the ledge that I never could have found out about otherwise and continued my expedition through the cave.

We made our way over a rocky path that clearly wasn’t made to have a nice Sunday morning stroll on. This didn’t discourage me to never back down, however. After having passed about a hundred large boulders and ledges, there was dim light at the end of the tunnel.

Cyndaquil became excited and ran towards it until it seems he fell through the ground. I was in a state of panic. The only thing I could think of is to get to where he was as fast as possible.

I bumped into numerous rocks. My head was going numb but I had to continue, who knows what could have happened to my Cyndaquil?

Then it became apparent why Cyndaquil fell down, there was a large body of water between us and the exit. Without hesitating for even a moment I jumped in after Cyndaquil.

It was just as pitch black in there as it was in the rest of the cave but I could feel a presence in the water. I wasn’t sure if this was Cyndaquil or something I’d rather not run into but I had no choice, it was now or never. I reached out and felt something in my hand, that was the moment I lost consciousness.

‘Where am I?’ was what I muttered out. I slowly opened my eyes. It was much lighter here than it was before but the ground was still rocky. Was I still in the cave? Am I even still alive?

I stood up right away. More importantly than all those things, where is Cyndaquil? I looked around the area in a hurry to find Cyndaquil lying next to me. I put my ear on his chest to see if he still had a pulse and thank Arceus, he was still breathing.

I recalled him back into his Pokeball to get some rest. Meanwhile I shook my head a bit to clear my mind and walked out of the cave.

Chapter 5 – The Final Trial​

It was truly a sight to behold. The sun was shining, Spearows and Hoothoots were flying over my head, the Skarmorys were resting on the sides of the mountains and the Gravelers were rolling around through the plains.

Strangely enough, there was no sign of a Phanpy. There has to be at least one, right? I even saw a couple of Donphans. I had to make sure I didn’t wake up any Ursarings when looking around though, they are known for their aggressive nature and probably won’t appreciate me getting all up in their face.

I walked along the Route, making the least amount of noise I could with every step. I heard a loud cry coming out of a hole in the wall. It sounded awfully lot like a Pokemon in trouble. The trial had to wait a bit, this came first.

I ran up to the hole when I saw an injured Donphan lying in front of the hole. It must have been protecting something or someone.

The Donphan looked up at me. His eyes were filled with terror but I could also spot a slight glister of hope when he noticed my presence.

I had no idea what I would find in the hole but I had a feeling I should hurry. A huge Ursaring stood before me, it became clear to me this was exactly the situation I had been trying to avoid. In the corner of the ‘room’ sat a Phanpy, it was quivering in fear.

For some reason the Ursaring was after the Phanpy. The Adrenaline kicked in and prompted me to try to save the Phanpy. ‘Go Cyndaquil, use Flamethrower at the Ursaring’s feet!’ I ordered my Cyndaquil as fast as I could. I was still a beginning trainer, so I was completely improvising but I had no choice here.

The Ursaring jumped to dodge the Flamethrower but the heat was enough to make the ground where he was standing on too hot for him. Ursaring was enraged and went after my Cyndaquil and I instead of the Phanpy.

We ran out of the hole to make sure Phanpy was safe. The Ursaring followed us out in a rage. Alright, part 1 of the plan worked but now we’re stuck here with an enraged Ursaring.

I had to optimize the damage in the shortest amount of time possible, so the smartest move would be to start off with an Eruption since Cyndaquil’s HP is till full. ‘Cyndaquil, Eruption!’ I shouted with a certain confidence that I lacked before.

The attack landed head on, it did a significant amount of damage but it still wasn’t enough to make him give up his apparent quest for revenge.

Ursaring retaliated with Slash. This move is half as strong as the Eruption Cyndaquil just used but the damage done was far greater. This Ursaring wasn’t something to take lightly.

The most important thing to do now was to avoid taking another one of those hits. ‘Use Smokescreen between us and Ursaring!’ was the next thing I said. By creating a Smokescreen between us the area where Ursaring wouldn’t be able to see us would be bigger than if we used it on him. This came at the cost of not being able to see Ursaring either but I had the perfect solution.

‘Cyndaquil, quick, use Swift in the Smokescreen!’ I ordered Cyndaquil right after he used Smokescreen. Ursaring let out a cry in agony, I expected him to go all-out now and get in a desperation hit.

‘Back up and be ready for when the Ursaring comes out of the smoke.’ I said to Cyndaquil. Then the Ursaring popped out of the smoke, ready to attack again. ‘Now Cyndaquil! Use Flamethrower!’ I hastily told Cyndaquil.

The Flamethrower hit the unsuspecting Ursaring right in its chest. It stopped him in his tracks. The Ursaring was now barely able to stand, he didn’t want any more of us and hurried back to the mountains where he came from.

The smoke cleared up and we saw the Donphan and Phanpy standing there looking at us and reacting happily. It sounded like they were saying thanks. Then Phanpy ran up to me and bumped his head into my leg gently. He wanted to challenge Cyndaquil to a duel.

My initial objective was to actually capture the Phanpy, so I didn’t see a problem in this and sent out Cyndaquil. I was prepared for another fierce battle but then the Phanpy laid on its back and started tapping on his head with its trunk. It seemed he wanted to be captured.

This was pretty much the best scenario I could have hoped for, so I threw the Pokeball. The bright red light exited the ball and hit Phanpy, it was then taken into the ball. The ball laid there for a while, quietly, not moving at all. Then it moved a bit to the left, it rolled straight back to the right and finally one more time to the left until the Pokeball made a weird sound. ‘Click,’ the capture was succesful.

I let Phanpy out of his ball and said: ‘Let’s get you to Professor Elm, I’m sure he’ll be overjoyed to see you with us.’

- The End -​

Author Notes:
- I'm an inexperienced writer, so any constructive criticism is welcome.

- I tried to create a story that held true to the cannon of the Pokemon World, while also taking into account the setting created by the URPG all while giving my own twist to it. I have no clue about how well it turned out (that's a graders job to determine after all) but I hope the thought process I had during the creation of the story at least shone through a little bit.

- I'm a non-native English speaker, so I'm well aware that I've probably made some spelling and grammatical errors. I would appreciate it greatly if a grader could give me some tips on this topic as well as on how to write a better story overall.

- One word I've used in the last chapter is making me doubt myself a bit. I'm talking about the word 'trunk'. I wasn't sure how the nose of an Elephant is called in English, so I looked it up and trunk came out of it. However, the context of the sentence made it seem like it could either be his nose or his 'trunk' between his legs. Just to clarify I had no intent on making it come over sexually and the trunk in question is Phanpy's nose.

- Pathway to the Underground stands for the road that Herb travels in order to get into the 'Underground', which is a synonym for a Resistance.

Ready for Grading (at least I think so):
Pokemon trying to capture: Phanpy (Medium)
Character count: 24053
Target Character count: 10000-20000

 

mine mine mine mine. Grade up by the end of the week.

and graders may not pop up this fast i'm so sorry i'm just eager for money and grading gives me $$$$$

also i won't read this while trying to play league.

 

@herb; - I'm so so so so so sorry for the long grade, but I hope it's helpful!!! (Also grade not deleted because we don't delete grades for stories that aren't part of a competition.)

Story Stuff
Alright hi. So first things first, I do see that you're a non-native English speaker. That's a-okay! I'm going to do my best to provide you with some tips and tricks in regards to English spelling and grammar and maybe vocabulary while also not trying to bombard you with information. I'm also going to try and improve your writing but not tell you how to write; everyone has their own style, and I'm not here to change that. I'm just here to help you get better at writing. That said, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to post in the stories general chat thread on any of the three forums (PWN, PXR, & BMGf) or contact any grader (myself included!). We're here to help you!

I'm also going to apologize now for what is likely a very long grade. Please don't be intimidated by it, I swear I'm trying to throw advice and help in about story writing in general and also URPG stories!!

Your plot is pretty interesting and unique. I don't think I've seen very many URPG related stories. There's a couple out there that I know of, one by WinterVines and the spirit of her crazy dice and one by Smiles and an adventure through URPG, but this one focuses more on the battling aspect, and I think that's cool too. It's also pretty straightforward too, and I feel like it's going to be a part of a bit of a series of stories. (Or maybe not, and that's okay too.) A little tidbit of advice there if you are making it a part of a series of stories: make sure you somehow link the stories together. Stories in URPG are standalone stories, so people shouldn't have to read one before they read another. You can suggest that they do so, of course, but stories are pretty much standalone in URPG.

Detail Stuff
Your detail is pretty good, I'll give you that. You did a pretty good job of describing the people and places that Herb met and traveled to, respectively. You even gave the reader an idea as to the kind of person Herb is through the words of others as well as himself. Nicely done here!

I think my main issue here is "what do this Pokemon look like?" I have the idea that Cyndaquil is healthy and not ill like Professor Elm implied and that he has a note around his neck, but what else is significant about it? The same applies to Donphan, Phanpy, and Ursaring. I can assume that Phanpy is an elephant-like Pokemon since it uses a trunk to touch the top of its head, and since I know Phanpy evolves into Donphan, I assume Donphan is somewhat similar. I also know Ursaring is a bear, but not everyone may know that. The point I'm trying to make here is that you should try to describe the appearances of your Pokemon in some fashion - colors, what they look like (maybe similar animals since Pokemon are a lot like animals), and any significant features they may have. With 721 Pokemon (and probably more coming in the future), it can be hard to remember what all of them look like. We remember our favorites and the ones that pop up the most in media, like Pikachu, but then there's others that we barely remember and have to look at in order to get an idea of what they look like. Even if it's a highly popular Pokemon, still describe it that way the reader knows what you're talking about.

This was the last thing I wanted to comment on. In the first sentence, you refer to Ursaring as an "it," but in the sentence immediately after it, Ursaring is referred to as a "him," leading the reader to believe Ursaring is male. I'm personally recommending that you give Pokemon genders to make it easier to distinguish, and also because it's likely your character will realize what gender it is anyways. It also makes them a bit more realistic. (Obviously this excludes genderless Pokemon like Metagross.) It can be a bit confusing, I think, if you refer to Ursaring as an "it" in one instance and then a "him" in the following sentence. Stick with one to stay consistent and don't deviate from it. Ursaring can either be an "it" (which would imply Herb doesn't really know or care what gender it is) or a "him" (which would imply Herb does know what gender it is or is just assuming it to be male). It happens at the beginning of chapter 5 as well when you first introduce the Donphan. Just watch out for it when you're writing.

Grammar Stuff
Alrighty, so I'm actually going to be a little lax here since English isn't your first language and therefore you're probably not going to pick up on all the nuances right away. (English is a stupidly difficult language for non-native speakers to learn anyways.) This is also your first story and I don't want to come off as a really hard ass grader. xD I'm just going to point out the most commonly made mistakes and help you out with those, and let you fix those in this story and incorportate the lessons learned in future stories as well. This is usually what all graders do in the URPG since we don't really want to be super picky about things. I'll also throw in some fun tips and tricks as well to hopefully help you out.

Also, as a side note before I get into things more in depth, you did use trunk correctly when referring to Phanpy's nose. I don't think I've ever heard of what's between a male's legs referred to as a trunk. xD You're good there, just wanted to tell you since you mentioned you were a bit iffy on it in your author's note.

Alrighty, first things first, probably the most common error in your story. Commas. These can be confusing little things. In this case, there's two separate issues here with commas, and I can thankfully address both with this one quote.

The first issue is that where the comma is now, it should either be a period or a semi-colon. Either one is fine, and it's up to you how you use it. Just note that if you use a period (but I believe full stop might be the more appropriate term since I saw in URPG general chat thread that your native language is Dutch?), you'll need to capitalize the first word of the following sentence. That probably goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyways. xD Basically, the comma that exists there now is dividing up two sentences. A period/full stop or the semi-colon serves the same purpose.

The second issue here is regardless of whether or not you use a semi-colon or a period, you'll want to put a comma after "after all." Phrases like "after all," "therefore," "basically," etc. are all introductory elements of the sentence and therefore need a comma afterwards.

I'm going to suggest a couple things here with comma usage. The first is to try reading the sentence out loud. See how it sounds and see where you pause to take breaths. When you pause to take a breath, add a comma or some other form of punctuation, depending on the sentence. This may also help with other errors as well beyond the comma error. If you come across a sentence that sounds wrong (and there's a couple of those in this story as well), you can read it out loud, and if it doesn't make sense, fix it up so it does sound right. I'm also going to link this site since it has some pretty good comma usage information that may be helpful to you.

Alrighty, two more issues here with dialogue. For this, I'm going to show you how it should look and then explain why it's done that way since I think it may be a bit more understandable that way. The proper way is in bold below.

Hearing the name Giovanni shocked me. I shouted, 'Giovanni?! The man who was at the head of Team Rocket?!'

'Yes,' answered Elm calmly. 'Exactly that Giovanni.' I couldn't believe my ears; one of the former gym leaders and a Pokemon professor working together with Team Rocket.

(You can also see a semi-colon in action with that bolded text above, yay!) Alrighty. So in the top paragraph of the bolded text, I corrected the colon that originally followed "shouted" to a comma. Since "I shouted" is a dialogue tag, a comma would follow the tag in this case. You can use colons with dialogue, but not in this case. This link has some information regarding that.

In the bottom paragraph of our bolded text, you'll see that it is similar to how you had it originally. The only difference here is I added a period after calmly instead of the comma you had there. Since the "'Yes,' answered Elm calmly" is its own standalone sentence, you would use a period after calmly. You can still continue the dialogue after the period, and the reader would still know that Elm is the one speaking. I left the bit about how Herb couldn't believe his ears where it was since it can go after the dialogue or in its own separate paragraph, whichever you prefer. Speaking of separate paragraphs, each line of new dialogue will have its own paragraph, like you see above. It makes it easier to follow for the reader to be able to see who's talking and saying what.

I'm going to leave the grammar stuff at that since I already feel like I've bombarded you with a lot of information as it is. I want to let that sink in and whatnot before you get further information from another grader/myself/anyone else. There was a spot in chapter two where you said "the monks where really nice" when it should've been "the monks were really nice," but that was the only spelling issue I caught. My final recommendation to you here is when in doubt, you can run your story through a spell check and/or grammar check to make sure everything's all good. It might not catch all of the mistakes, but it should catch some of them to help you out there. I'm not sure if you're just typing this story out here on the forums or using a different program, but I know Microsoft Word (and other similar programs) have some sort of spell and grammar check.

Decision Stuff + Length
Okay so I know I told you in the URPG general chat thread that character count is only a recommendation. That's true. I also said that you can be over or under the character count and still pass or fail your story. The reason why I said those things is because graders to check your character count, even though you yourself add it in at the end of your story; we're just double checking it, so keep including yours!! (Usually the grader gets a little more or a little less than what you say you have.) If a story fails and it's under MCR, the things the grader says to you can help push you within those MCR boundaries and help you out some more; if you fail and you're within the MCR or above it, then it's just boosting that MCR. A grader should never fail you based on the MCR alone; there should be other reasons as to why it fails.

Okay, so introduction to URPG grading over, I'm going to go ahead and post that character count. I'm getting you at 24159, so slightly over what you had, but no big deal. Taking everything into account and also the fact that this is your first URPG story, I feel safe in saying Phanpy captured. You had a pretty strong and unique plot, and your descriptions of people and places were good as well; the issue with the description was with the Pokemon since you had their personalities, but not a whole lot on what they looked like. While there were grammar issues, I touched base on the more frequent ones, and they weren't so awful that I couldn't read the story at all. (You're also not a native English speaker, so I'm being leinent there too since you may not know or understand all the nuances of the English language or its grammar. not that a native English speaker understands them either lol) Overall, I feel safe in considering this a pass because the strengths did outweigh the weaknesses here, and while this is a lengthy grade, I did try to give a bit of an introduction to URPG stories and also tried to help improve your writing as well. I think you have a good idea going here, and I hope to see more of it in the future!!

I hope this grade wasn't too intimidating. I know it's pretty long, and I apologize again for that. I wanted to be as helpful as I possibly could like you asked, so hopefully I provided enough of that without bombarding you with information. xD If you have any questions about this grade, I'm willing to answer them; just send me a message on any of the three forums (I check all three pretty regularly) and I'll get back to you asap!

 

Don't worry about having an intimidating grade I actually hoped for something like this. You really gave me some good tips on what to continue doing and what to change.