Operation P.A.S.P.O.I. <-Chapter 2-> Needs Grading

Chapter One ~ Now Up
Pokemon: Machop​

In 1698 the small region known as Isshu had been a very prosperous, scarcely, populated area. As it was home to many rare Pokemon, that only existed on this island, it came as no surprise that many wealthy merchants and people in power wanted Isshu's exclusive Pokemon.

The inhibitants of the island decided it was best to leave the island as a reserve for the special Pokemon to live in and also an exclusive tourist spot. The leaders and people of power soon realised how much money Isshu was getting from tourism. They held a meeting in Goldenrod City of Johto for the powerful people to discuss what they were going to do in regards to Isshu.

No communication devices were allowed into the conference, nor anyone from Isshu or people that had no political power. Throught this meeting the important people decided, out of jealousy, not to import any goods from Isshu or export their goods to Isshu. A secret group was also formed, The Matsuya.

The Matsuya were unknown to the people of Isshu and the protection of their identity was inforced with the upmost security. Anyone found passing information to the people of Isshu tended to go missing and wind up in some rural field, severed into many pieces. The local police turn a blind eye to these claims. As a result the people of Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh that knew any information, learned to keep quiet.

The objective of The Matsuya was to enter Isshu and take some of their Pokemon, so everyone could enjoy them, or so they told the public. Their real goal was to take Isshu's pokemon and then kill off all of Isshu's remaining Pokemon, so that they would then become dependent on the four other regions.

By 1736 The Matsuya had almost achieved their goal, but one thing stopped them, the people of Isshu. They soon became aware of what the other regions were doing, so they decided to tak their own discrete action. They formed an alliance with people of the other regions who saw their actions as wrong and wanted to help Isshu. They called themselves the McGovern Force, after the death of Sarah McGovern, the founder of Isshu's Pokemon conservation ideas.

The McGovern Force broke down in 1763 and a new force, that called themselves the alliance that Protect And Save Pokemon Of Isshu or P.A.S.P.O.I for short.

James Hendrix was a well-known member of P.A.S.P.O.I. during the nineteenth century. He had short brown hair with blonde streaks running through it. He was tall and lanky and usually clad in navy denim jeans and the jumpers that P.A.S.P.O.I provided for it's members.

Isshu had changed a lot since then, but fights between the P.A.S.P.O.I. and The Matsuya were fairly frequent. A new change had also taken place in recent years, once a willing opponent has been defeated, they must hand over the Pokemon they had fought with during a battle.

Today, James was stationed in the trading town of Carcilla. James along with another member of the P.A.S.P.O.I. Bella, were in charge of making sure no illegal trading would take place. It was a fairly easy job, provided they did not lose their favourite Pokemon. Their leaders had equipped their Pokemon with many TM's so they would have the upper edge in battle.

Bella, just like James was a teenager, although she was short and had long, chestnut-brown hair. She was a very considerate person and loved helping others. She was also James' best friend.

As they walked down the narrow, cobbled streets, the two kept their eyes out for anything suspicious. There were some shifty-looking characters around. Many of the merchants retreated to the rear of their stall when they saw the two coming by. They all knew fairly well what they were capable of and most people averted their gaze, when the two teenagers walked by.

There was a light breeze blowing through the streets. When it reached James he shivered with the cold. He guessed that they must be near the sea, which was famous for it's strong, precipitation, carrying winds. As soon as they turned the next corner, the sea came into view.

Large waves rose up and hit all trawlers relentlessly. Only the larger trawlers could go out for fishing because of the terrible weather.

James and Bella stepped onto the beach cautiously. Shards of glass lay strewn around the dirty sand. James' foot hit into something hard. He jumped in surprise. As he looked down he saw a lone Krabby glaring up at him, it's pincers at the ready.

Bella placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Just leave it," she said calmly. "It was an accident," she added.

"Alright, alright," James muttered, before continuing walking along the beach.

He walked closer to the shore now. To his surprise a large, wave of foamy water came crashing down on him. He quickly retreated, shivering with shock and the cold. He turned around to see Bella laughing heartily at him. As she approached him she had a really smug, pompuos look on her face. James knew it was best to ignore her, but he couldn't.

"Hey James, looks like you're all washed up!" she teased, before she burst out laughing.

James flashed her a brief smile, before heading back to the docks. Rain began to fall miserably as he walked, dampening his spirits more. Bella strolled up beside him. She had taken off her jacket and was using it to shelter them from the rain.

"Don't worry. Our shift is almost over," she said, trying to cheer James up.

The rain grew heavier and soon it was pounding down intensely from above. James thought he heard footsteps through the downpour, but decided that it was probably just the rain.

"Oi! You lot! Get out of here now, awrite?" someone shouted from behind them.

Startled, they both jumped up. A burly, sailor was striding up towards them. He was wearing the suit of his trade. He had a shaved head and a menacing scowl on his face.

"Right, listen 'ere! I've 'ad enough of ye, comin' in here and what not. So, you'se better leave or I'll haf to take all your Pokemon!" He shouted at them.

James had had enough. He pulled out a Pokeball and threw it up into the air. A red flash lit up the area and a Clefable emerged from James' Pokeball.

Clefable swayed slightly, waiting for it's opponent. Jay tried not to get too attached to his Pokemon because there was a likely chance that he could lose them at any time, if he lost battles.

The sailor threw a Pokeball high into the air. A red beam of light shot out, causing a Machop to materialise in front of him.

"Chop! Chop!" it roared, excited as it got a chance to fight again.

"Choppy, use yer Cross Chop attack!" the sailor roared.

"Clefable, try dodge and hit it with a Thunderbolt attack," James shouted at Clefable.

The machop lunged at Clefable, with it's arms spread out in front of him. Clefable jumped aside elegantly and threw a ball of concentrated electricity at Machop. It struck Machop in the chest, although it barely harmed him.

"Choopy, what ya at? Use yer Karate Kick now!" the sailor ordered.

"Fable try a Metronome attack!" James said rather loudly.

James hated taking risks, but he knew Clefable wasn't very useful against a Machop.

Machop hit Clefable hard in the stomach with it's perfectly executed kick, knocking Clefable back several feet. Clefable began wagging it's finger until a sticky thread of silk shot out at Machop. Machop barely managed to jump out of the way, but the sticky web stuck to it's rightfoot. Machop began struggling to move it's foot, but to no avail.

"Choppy, use yer Fire Punch to burn the web off ya," the sailor said smugly, thinking it would be free in moments.

Machop began punching the web with it's flaming fist. But the rain weakened the power of Machop's Fire Punch, rendering it incapable of destroying the web, that held his foot firmly in place. Unknown to the Machop, Clefable had crept up from behind and opened it's mouth wide.

"Choppy, look out!" the man said, fearing that he would lose his Machop.

Machop turned around just when Clefable shot her Ice Beam. It struck the Machop straight in the face. The Machop fell to it's feet. James was sure that he had one, until Machop staggered to his feet. Enraged, it ran forward and struck Clefable with it's fist. Clefable jumped back surprised.

"Hit it harder, would ya," the sailor said.

Machop was panting now. Sweat mixed with rain poured down his face. Machop paused for a second, giving Clefable a chance to use Meteor Mash. Clefable struck Machop on the head, sending it crashing down to the ground. This time Machop was knocked unconscious.

The sailor threw Machop's Pokeball onto the ground. It smashed into several pieces. The sailor turned his back and stormed off.

James and Bella looked at the Machop lying on the ground. James threw a Pokeball at the weakened Machop. It shook for a few seconds, while James held his breath.

 

Re: Operation P.A.S.P.O.I. [<-Chapter One->]

This will probably my last grade before I go to Oregon, so you lucked out, buddy. arty:

 

Re: Operation P.A.S.P.O.I. [<-Chapter One->]

Intro: Your intro felt like a history channel special on PASPOI. That is, it was kind of interesting, but I lost interest after a while. I understand this is the first chapter, so it makes sense to have a lot of background. In any case, I was interested ebough to keep reading, so you're fine here.

Plot: Your plot was really interesting. Is James Hendrix supposed to be Jimmy Hendrix? Is this some alternate universe? I don't know, but I want to read more. Good job, here.

Dialogue: Your dialogue seemed natural and didn't interrupt the flow of your story, so you're fine here.

Grammar: You had a few errors, but you'll get better with practice.

No need for a comma here:

Scarecely populated is a phrase so:

Take out a comme here, too:

Like this:

Is this supposed to be throughout?

If not, you should patent that word. If I try to say it, I fell like I'm speaking Klingon.

Move this comma:

Like this:

Change this period to a colon:

Like so:

This sentence needs clean up:

Like this:

You can take out the comma here:

Like so:

Move this comma:

Like so:

You don't need a comma here:

That should be:

And that concludes this section.

Detail: You did a good job describing your main characters, the Pokemon's moves, and the places your story takes place. However, you didn't really describe any of the Pokemon. Now that there's so many types of Pokemon, it's important to provide at least a brief description of each one in your story. Other than that, you're fine here.

Length: You need a minimum of 5k for a Machop, and you have 8.8k, so you're good.

Reality: There wasn't anything unrealistic about your story, but I'd like it if you provide more background on the history of PASPOI in the next chapter. Try to integrate it into the story though, so it doesn't seem all lumped together.

Personal Feelings: I liked your story and thought it was interesting. I'll have to say...

Outcome: Machop....captured.

Try to clean up your grammar in the next chapter, and work on describing Pokemon. Other than that, you're fine, so here's your Machop:

 

Re: Operation P.A.S.P.O.I. [<-Chapter One->]

Chapter 2 ~ Finished
Pokemon: Snorunt
Character Count: A little Over 11k​

Slowly the Pokeball came to a halt. It glowed a very faint shade of red before clicking. James bent down and scooped the Pokeball up. He examined it's exterior for a moment. Then he thrre the scarlet sphere into the air. As soon as the ball left his scarred hand it began glowing again, before shooting the newly-obtained Machop out.

The Machop lay there motionlessly on the ground. It was covered in large, gaudy scars. James bent down to examine the Machop. James had known that locals were famous for intentionally beating their pokemon when they had nearly lost a battle, but he had never imagined the bratings to be to this extent.

He opened the leather bag that he had clutched in his hand. This bag contained emergency supplies that were essential around rough areas. James peeled back the Machop's eyelids. It's pupils were darting around frantically, but it did nothing to move away from it's new master. James sprayed some anti-bacterial potions onto the serious bruises first. The Machop cringed as the potion stung, although it remained rooted to the spot.

Then he pulled out a woolen cloth and a flask of mineral water from the bag. He poured some of the water onto the cloth and began washing away the blood that stained it's legs. James watched the Machop's mouth twitch into a smile as the clear water trickled down it's skinny legs.

Lucy closed her previously gaping mouth. She tried to steel herself, but succumbed to tears. She couldn't understand how people could abuse Pokemon so much. She stooped down when she realised James needed her help also. She grabbed another dry cloth from the bag and began rubbing the Machop dry.

The Machop opened it's eyes and tried to stand up, but dropped to it's knees instantly. It was incredibly weak. It gave a few more feeble attempts before resigning and returning to lay down on the floor again. James knew that the Machop would be alright if it received the right care. It was a real fighter.

James looked over at Lucy, knowing that she was thinking the same thing. He saw her thin lips curl up into a smile and soon the pair of them were laughing.

[<-----~.~----->]​

"How's he coming along?"

The nurse didn't notice James standing behind her. He was twiddling his fingers anxiously. She gave James a warm, smile.

"The Machop is much better. Within a few weeks he should be back to full health. He was looking for you earlier," she said encouragingly.

"Oh-"

Jay was cut short by two brisk knocks on the wooden door.

"Come in," she called to the person waiting outside.

A bald man with a short-trimmed, white moustache entered the infirmary. He was wearing a straw, tatched hat. He looked around the white-washed room until he spotted James. He strode over and began shaking James' hand forcefully.

"I'm Ciaran Dallas. Can I speak to you in private? Oh and sorry ma'am for this rude entry. I hope I'm not disturbing anything..." he trailed off.

James nodded in agreement before following the man out of the room. He was wondering what this strange man wanted.

"I have something that arrived here for you," he said. "Now you know that all letters must be screened before entering the Institute ... Well our computers found the lether to be safe, but if you find anything wrong tell us immediately,"

James was completely taken back by this. He hadn't the faintest idea what this was about. As far as he knew he had never received a letter before. He watched as Ciaran was rooting through his own pockets in search of the letter.

"Aha!" he muttered when he found the letter. "Here you go," he added, before making his way back down the quiet corridor.

Jay unfolded the letter and began reading silently to himself.

Dear James Hendrix,

I have been watching you and your endeavours for some time. I think we should finally meet up. You have my word when I say that you will be completely safe and welcomed here. I will be residing in Snowpoint City in Sinnoh. It should not be too hard to find me if you look in the right places.

A boat, The Isshu Fishers, will be waiting for you at approximately 21:00 hours. You must tell no one about about this. It is of the upmost importance that you take this boat.

Yours Sincery,
Mr. X

James re-read the letter several times, unsure whether he should go or not. He glance that at his scratched, watched. If he packed his stuff now he could be at the dock in time, but he had a really bad feeling about this. He raced off to his room to pack his essentials for this trip. The letter did not mention how long he would be gone for, but it seemed likely it would be a week or two.

He arrived at his room, panting. The bright, red walls reflected James' feelings towards leaving this place that he had lived at since his parent's deaths.

He rushed around the room, eager to be going on an adventure, grabbing anything he thought he might need. He paused for a moment, wondering if he should say goodbye to Lucy. In the end he decided agsinst it. His time was limited after all. James gave the room one final sweeping look before leaving for the docks.

[<-----~----->]​

A strong gust of cold air blew by the shore sending shivers down James' spine. The wooden boards creaked loudly as he walked over them, ending the eerie silence. A wavecrashed against the rocks further along the shore, sending foamy waterflying up onto the grassy hill.

A light shone at James from the sea, momentarily blinding him. Panicking he ducked down, afraid that it was the Sea Gaurds out there, surveying the area. He stood up slowly when he heard the slow chugging noise of a steam-powered boat approaching.

The words "The Isshu Fisheries" were blazened across the front of the small, wooden boat. A man witha wooden leg hobbled off the boat and towards James. He had a somewhat sinister look to him. His dark green eyes pierced James, before hobbling back to the boat. Slightly confused, James followed the man onto the boat.

The engine roared into life andthe boat set sail. As James looked back he saw his home town grow smaller, the further away from it he went, until it dissapeared from view. The engine pipes were emitting thick, black clouds of smoke that rose up into the almost pitch-black sky.

[<-----~----->]​

All was dark. James couldn't tell if his eyes were open or not. Panic envelopped him. He tried to shout, but his mouth was gagged. His arms were tied behind his back with some tightly-wound rope. He began writhing around on the floor trying to move. He stopped when he heard voices.

"So, what we gonna do with the kid, hunh?" a deep voice asked.

"Mr. X said to bring him the boy..." another person said calmly.

"He's already paid us. I say we throw the kid overboard and save us a few days of travel," the fisrt man concluded.

Jay could feel himself being lifted up. The two men braced themselves then threw James. There was a loud splash as James landed in the freezing cold water. James tried struggling to get his Pokeballs from his front pocket, but it was no use. He couldn't reach. He sank deeper and deeper into the ice-cold, murky water ...

[<-----~----->]​

James woke up shivering. Snow was packedup tightly against him. For a moment he though it was the pirates trapping him again, but the snow was warm. A fire was crackling on the otherside of the room. When he looked around he realised that the White Walls were made of snow. He wondered where everyone was.

"Chop! Chop!" a familiar voice exclaimed.

It was his Machop. Hunh? Maybe it escaped from it's Pokeball and dragged James over here to help him. James knew that didn't happen though. He examined the bare room. The wall seemed to be made out of blocks of ice cemented together. There were few decorations around, only a pale white chair and table. James stood up andwalked towards the table next to the fire. Upon closer inspection it too appeared to be made out of snow.

"Who could possibly live here?" James wondered aloud.

His Machop look puzzled, then it took off out the door. James followed it outside. There was a blizzard out there. Thick, balls of snow was flying in all directions. James had to retreat inside as his eyes began stinging from contact with all the snow. Machop followed James obediently inside, although it didn't seem to happy.

"LIE! LIE! LIE!" a deep voice boomed.

James staggered backwards, tripping over the little table in the process.

"Please. It wasn't our fault. We just sheltered here from the blizzard," James called out to whoever was outside.

"LIE!" it repeated again.

Then a large, round figure enterred the igloo. James' eyes were still stinging from the exposure to the blizzard. James looked down and he was shocked to see that whatever had just enterred was hovering above the ground.

As the figure drew closer Jay noticed it was not a person, but a Pokemon. It was a Glalie. Now James felt extremely stupid. Now he realised that the Glalie wasn't accusing him of lying. Perhaps this was the Glalie's home and it had rescued James. The Glalie beamed at James and he smile back. Maybe this Glalie would make a nice addition to his team. Sadly, Machop would not be strong enough to weaken it and it had shown great hospitality.

"Runt!" something shouted gleefully.

THUD!!!

James was knocked down to the floor. His stomach felt as though it had just been hit by a battering ram. He was wincing with the pain. As he turned his head around to see what hit him he saw a small black Pokemon that appeared to be wearing an orange coat of sorts. Machop ran over and shouldered Snorunt, knocking it against the walls.

"Perfect. A Snorunt! I always wanted one of them. Machop use DynamicPunch!" James roared.

Machop dived at Snorunt. It's right arm shot out at the Snorunt, but the Snorunt hopped out of the way with ease. The Snorunt countered with a perfectly timed Body Slam, which struck Machop hard. Machop seemed unable to move for a few seconds.

"Machop, now that you're paralysed your ability Guts will activate so you will be much stronger," Jay said with delight. "Use your Fire Punch!" he added.

Machop looked ecstatic. It flexed it's muscles for a second and then lunged at the Snorunt. Snorunt wasn't as fast this time and the Fire Punch struck it hard.

"Runt," it moaned, before blowing some Icy Wind at Machop.

Machop shrugged off the blast of cool air with ease, but it received Icy Wind's secondary effect. Machop tried to strike the Snorunt with another Fire Punch, but it wasn't fast enough to chase the Snorunt. The Glalie watched amusedly. Snorunt inhaled a deep breath and then blew a huge blast of ice-cold wind at Machop again.

"Urgh. Machop use Mirror Coat!"

Machop took the attack like a champ and then reflected the attack back with double the strength. Snorunt gasped and then fell down face first onto the snowy ground. James grinned and pulled out a Pokeball from his unzipped pocket and threw it towards the Snorunt. It stopped before hitting Snorunt and pulled Snorunt inside, before falling to the ground. It rattled for a few seconds then it ...

 

Claimed.

 

Just to let you know, I'm not abandoning your story. I almost finished grading it and it got deleted. T.T I'll redo it later today or tomorrow

 

Intro: Since your story is a multiple chapter story, the intro for the second chaptor is a huge deal, but you did a good job drawing in the reader with the capture of your Machop, so good job.

Plot: I really like where you're going with this. It's just so unique and interesting, I can't wait to see what happens. Good job.

Dialogue: You did good with your dialogue. It didn't mess up the flow of the story and it seemed natural, so you're fine.

Grammar: Other than a few typos, your grammar was fine.

Detail: Your doing much better describing the Pokemon. I also liked how you brought the side effects of moves into the story. I thought that was pretty cool.

Length: You needed 10k and you have about 11.5k, so you're fine.

Reality: Nothing seemed unrealistic in the context of your story, so you're fine.

Personal Feelings: I really like this story. It's unique and you're doing a great job with it, so I want to see more.

Outcome:Snorunt.....captured.


My only real advice is to reread your story for typos before you post and a little more detail all around wouldn't kill you. You're doing just fine, kid. Stay golden, Ponyboy. Here's your Snorunt:



By the way, sorry this took so long. I got pissed after it was deleted the first time around....:sweat: Sorry. xD