Operation: Damsal in Distress (Ready)

Poke'mon After; Nidoran F and Houndour
Character Count Required (Not sure if I add em together but I did...) 15k
Character Count Total: 15294 (Just made it!)


It was around 1 AM, the time of night when the world seems to surrender to the silent solace of the inky black sky. The stars studded the sky like tiny beacons against the ebony glare, providing some comfort to those who were afraid of the darkness.

Lulu was one of those people. Although she was a lanky brunette seventeen year old, her courage failed her in the dim of the night.She had begun her journey just earlier this year from Twinleaf town but she still couldn’t shake off her old childhood fear.

She huddled with her back against the trunk of a tall oak tree. She ignored the pain the rough bark brought as it bit through her thin black tank top. The summer’s breeze felt cold against her skin and she shuddered as goose bumps rose along her arms. Normally, Lulu would have been tucked away in a Pokémon Center bed or at least hidden in the warm confines of a tent but tonight, she was on a mission.

She had witnessed the brutal robbery of a trainer not much younger then herself. Two men dressed in black with a large red R emblazoned upon the front had cornered the girl as Lulu watched from afar. She had attempted to get to the girl in time to help but the robbery was over as quickly as it had started. The girl’s lavender eyes had filled up with tears as she relayed to Lulu about how her precious Meowth and Wurmple had been stolen away.

Lulu vowed to the girl that she would track down the perpetrators and bring back her Pokémon. After all, she was a sucker for cute girls. She secretly dubbed the operation Damsel in Distress.

The girl, whose name had turned out to be Eliza, was now crouched down next to Lulu. Her face was puckered in a deep frown as she thought of the two men who had taken her Pokémon. It would have to be the notorious Team Rocket; there was no other group that sprang to mind. The uniforms themselves had been a dead give away. Eliza’s head snapped to the left as Lulu murmured softly, “Are you ready?”

Lulu could barley make out the nod that Eliza had given her in the black veil. For a moment, she groped blindly in her pocket for a hair tie. After pulling up her chestnut brown hair in to a tight ponytail, she gave the go ahead signal with a downward stroke of her hand.

The men’s base seemed to be an old abandoned windmill. It seemed strange to Lulu. The building itself was not very big. If the men were operating a covert business, why make the base so tiny and so noticeable? The pair crept closer to the decrepit building as silently as they could muster. Their footsteps fell muted on the thick grass below them and Lulu thanked whatever higher power that the ground around them was not gravel like the path they had just left.

The door stood just a few feet away now, a gaping mouth ready to swallow the two whole as they stepped through. To both of the girl’s surprise, the inside was utterly empty. Lulu pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and strained her eyes to see if she had missed anything in her once over.
The rusted steel creaked around them as the wind blew and Lulu felt for sure that it would only take a few more years for the thing to collapse. She heaved a heavy sigh in annoyance, “I saw the two come in through this way. I know I’ve got impaired vision but this is ridiculous.”

Eliza crossed her arms tightly across her chest, hoping to bottle up the disappointment that filled her like flood water through a broken dam, “I don’t understand…”

Lulu leaned up against the wall but quickly leapt back as something there slid inward. She yelped in surprise the ground rumbled beneath them. Rust showered down upon them as the floor began to descend.

Eliza stared slack jawed at Lulu who just shrugged feebly “Must’ve been an hidden elevator..door…thing.” She trailed off. This was the kind of stuff you could only find in movies or books.

The floor shuddered as it came to a halt. A light flickered on above them and a mechanical door whirred loudly as it slid open. Eliza and Lulu quickly passed into the open passage way and paused to take in their surroundings. The walls were made from chrome and steel, glistening new and bright. Obviously this was a new addition to the old mill.

“Can you believe this?” Lulu asked in awe as she touched the cold walls, “This is amazing…”

“It’s kind of creepy.” Eliza said faintly, looking straight up and into the glare of the naked bulbs that lit the hallway, “It feels kind of sinister, you know?”

Lulu nodded her head, “I get that feeling too…We had better be quiet.”

The two continued on through the long passage way with their backs to the wall. The hallway to an abrupt turn and Lulu peeked out from behind the wall. She quickly pulled her head back and bit her lip.

Across the way, a lone man stood with his arms folded and a sour expression on his face. His tousled black hair gave him a threatening air. No doubt he was sentry to main facility of the building.

Lulu pressed her palm against the Poke’ball that she kept on her belt, “Eliza…There’s someone there. Things may get a little messy. I need for you to remain out of sight. If I loose this battle, run as fast as you can and find the nearest law enforcement. Got it?”

Eliza bobbed her head quickly, “Good luck.” She whispered as Lulu turned the corner.

The man did not see Lulu at first. He had to blink twice to assure himself someone else was there. No one had ever breeched the compound before. He quickly pulled himself up and stalked toward the girl, “Oi, who are you then?”

“My name’s Lulu and I believe you have something that belongs to a friend of mine.” Lulu said, her heart pounding against her rib cage erratically.

The man sneered, “Oh yeah? And you figured you could waltz in here and take what you want? Well you’re wrong, stupid girl.” He dug in his pocket and threw a Poke’ball to the ground. When the red light cleared, Lulu could make out the form of a small Zubat. The blue bat Pokémon hovered around its trainers head, ready for action. Lulu noted a small thin black collar around the creature’s neck. A single red bulb burned angrily in the center.

Lulu narrowed her eyes, thin shards of sapphire behind the frames of her glasses. She quickly called out her own Pokémon, “Tango, go!”

With a burst of electrical energy, a green canine Pokémon erupted from the Poke’ball eagerly, “Trike!”

“Tango, start off with a howl!” Lulu commanded, moving herself out of harms way.

The Electrike threw its head back and summoned a deep throaty howl from deep within its chest. The Zubat beat its wings to keep steady in the air as the walls around it shook.

“So what, your mutt can make a little noise. It ain’t going to help you.” The rocket sneered, “Zubat, use confuse ray!”

The Zubat beat its wings furiously as it gathered a ball of purple pulsating energy. It cried out as rings of the ghost attack flew towards its opponent.

“Tango, use quick attack to dodge it and then tackle it from behind!” Lulu commanded, thinking quickly as the ray that very well might turn the tide of the battle came their way.

Tango growled and disappeared in a flash. The Zubat fluttered around helplessly as the beam bounced off the ground harmlessly. With a bark, the Electrike appeared again and slammed into Zubat, sending it to the floor.

“Astonish it!” The Rocket cried, seeing his Pokémon knocked from the sky. The Zubat quickly turned to the Electrike and spread its wings to beat it back. Tango skid away as the wings made contact.

Lulu gritted her teeth tightly. It shouldn’t have taken this long to finish off a Zubat, “End this fight with a discharge!”

The air around Tango crackled fiercely as it charged up the power it needed. With a bang the energy exploded all around them, frying whatever was in its path. Lulu threw her arms up as a blinding light followed.

As the light dissipated, Lulu found the Zubat prone and twitching on the linoleum floor. The Rocket himself stood with disbelief, “My Zubat…”

Lulu grinned triumphantly, “So how about letting me move on then?”

The Rocket trembled with anger as he recalled his Pokémon, “Over my dead body!”

Lulu sighed, “Well, I can’t do that…but…” She grinned at Tango, “Thunder Wave him, please.”

The Rocket’s eyes widened as Tango unleashed another flash of lightning. He now lay on the floor, rendered unconscious from the blast.

“Good job, Tango.” Lulu said fondly, scratching the Pokémon on her head. The Electrike’s back end wriggled with pleasure. Surely if she had a tail, it would be wagging. Lulu quickly called back her friend and called out, “Eliza, it’s safe!”

Eliza quickly ran from around the corner and smiled, “I knew you’d win…”

Lulu grinned slightly, “Thanks…But no time for chit chat…We should get going now. I don’t know how long this guy will stay down.”

Eliza threw a contemptuous glare at the Rocket as they passed by him, “Good riddance. Lousy, no good…” She trailed off as Lulu glared.

At the end of the walkway where the Rocket was guarding sat another door. It slid open as they passed by and led into a rectangular room. From the floor the ceiling stood cages, stacked one on top of another. Most were empty but in the center of the room sat four cages filled with Pokémon. Among them were a female Nidoran, a Pidgey and Eliza’s Wurmple and Meowth.

Eliza rushed over to the cages and pressed the release mechanism. Her Wurmple and Meowth flung themselves into her arms happily and the Nidoran and Pidgey followed suite in escaping. They leapt down from their cages and gazed upwards at their rescuers.

Lulu kneeled down to the two, “Do you two have trainers?”

The Pidgey nodded its head jerkily while the Nidoran shook hers. It looked frightened and lost; not a very pleasant first time experience with humans, Lulu thought somberly as she said, “Well you’re all safe now…We just need to get you out of here.”

As Lulu stood, her scalp prickled uncomfortably. A menacing growl filled the compound and from behind a row of empty cages stepped a Houndour. His jet black fur rose along his back and hackles as salvia foamed at its lips. Lulu slowly backed away from the clearly angry beast, hands upraised, “It’s okay…I’m not going to hurt you…”

The Doberman like Pokémon barked and snarled. Claws skittered across the smooth floor as it stepped purposely forward. The Nidoran ran forward, gently nuzzling the beast. The Houndour's fur fell flat across its back when the female came in contact.

“Nin…Ran!” It hurriedly said, gesturing toward the two girls, her large ears twitching slightly. It seemed to want to explain something to the Houndour but the beast returned to his savage snarling as he held the two girls in his sight once more.

The rabbit-like Poke'mon shook her head dejectedly, “Nida!”

The Houndour gently nosed her aside and made for the girls. Lulu backed up quickly and noticed that this Pokémon also held a black collar with the single red bulb. Lulu threw a glance at a computer terminal only 10 feet away. On the screen was the image of the very collar that was on the Houndour’s neck. She quickly scanned over the text. Apparently the collar was used for controlling a Pokémon completely. Any Pokémon captured by Team Rocket would be subject to total and utter brain washing by this device.

Lulu stared at the Houndour. It was attacking because it was made too, not because it had wanted too. A rush of anger surged through her. How dare they?

She quickly called out her companion who looked ready to serve. Lulu whispered softly, “I want you to charge at the Houndour but aim a thunder at the computer? Got it?”

Tango nodded, stretching her legs out in front of her before barreling off toward the Houndour. The black canine was taken by surprise and stood still as the Electrike leapt into the air and let loose a horrific Thunder right into the computer terminal. The screen cracked and splintered. Smoke billowed from the now useless machine in oily roils.

The collar around Houndour’s neck disengaged and fell with a clatter to the linoleum floor. The misty eyed Pokémon blinked blearily but quickly took in its surroundings. Just as it came too, a smooth female voice announced over hidden loudspeakers, “The self destruct sequence has been activated; T minus five minutes until detonation. Please make your way to the available exit. Thank you.”

Lulu exchanged a look of horror with Eliza and quickly herded the creatures toward the door. Sirens wailed around them and lights flashed, disorientating the group as they ran through the halls, feet pounding against the floor as fast as they could go.

Lulu rushed past the spot where she had left the rocket only to find it vacant. The man had obviously left the compound when the sirens started.

Eliza punched the buttons as they halted in front of the elevator. Precious minutes ticked by as the thing slowly let its doors open for them. Lulu and Eliza crowded into the space and pressed up as the cool voice announced, “Two minutes remaining…”

The elevator ground to a halt abruptly. Lulu took a deep breath and cried as the final countdown began, “Run!”

The strange group crashed through the trees surrounding the old windmill haphazardly. The ground trembled and all were thrust forward by the force of the explosion. A deafening noise swept the area and the noxious odor of smoke filled the forest.

Lulu groaned as she sat up, rubbing her arm tenderly. She was bruised but at least they were alive. The Pokémon looked frightened and chattered nervously among themselves.

Eliza was kneeling next to her Pokémon, hugging them tightly, “Thank goodness…”

With a sigh of relief Lulu, fell back down. The ordeal was over. Everyone was safe…and they had destroyed a Rocket base. Overall, she could call it a good day.

A small trek later, a hasty camp was made. They all slept out in the open, in front of a crackling fire so generously provided by Houndour. In the morning, Lulu and Eliza parted. Eliza with her Wurmple and Meowth, as well as the Pidgey which she would bring to the nearest Pokémon Center and report as missing and Lulu with the Houndour and Nidoran.

The two did not wish to part. Lulu had come to discover that the Houndour had watched over the Nidoran through out her containment and a strong bond had formed. Neither wished to be released into the wild either as Team Rocket may have been still skulking about.
Lulu eagerly welcomed the two newcomers to her team. She fished out two empty Poke’balls and touched them in turn to each of the Pokémon’s foreheads. Without so much as a struggle, the Poke’balls pinged softly and lay still.

Lulu placed them on her belt, on either side of Tango’s slot and grinned. Jauntily she began to whistle as she headed down the road, kicking up dust along the way. A little good always comes out of bad. Still, she had the nagging feeling that his would not be the last of Team Rocket’s antics, especially now that they knew her face. Surely they would be angry with her for blowing up one their bases. One day at time, she reminded herself, one day at a time.

 

claimed

 

Intro:
Hook:
A decent enough hook with the pokenapping, yet it was confusing that a 17 and a younger girl would be awake at 1am, and not tired.

Characters:
I've come up with a rule when I read stories. If the writer doesn't write down the article of clothing, then her/his character doesn't wear it. So, it seems like to me, that Lulu isn't wearing anything to cover her bottom. The reason why I do this is so you can understand that details are important. Its a bit more for female characters, since their wardrobe is much bigger than male characters. Lulu could be wearing a skirt, pajama pants, shorts, etc. And also, Eliza is naked... Details are key to painting the picture that your readers will paint in their minds as they read your story.

Also, you said that she has a childhood fear, is that of the night?

Plot/Reality:
Problems I had with plot:
The robbery happens, and then they follow the two men. There seems to be a time gap between these two paragraphs:

It took me awhile to figure out the time gap. For a reader, it seemed like the base was really close to the place of the robbery; also, we don't know how she knew this was the base until 3 paragraphs later when she said that she saw them enter the building.

Also this:

It seems like Houndour is very slow, since Lulu can back up, read a computer screen 10 feet away(which also confused me, since she said, "I know I’ve got impaired vision"), stare back at the charging Houndour, and command her Pokemon to attack. Then, the Pokemon can nod at her trainer, rush at Houndour and get off an attack. All of this before the Houndour could even reach them, seems . Maybe if the Houndour could get in a few attacks. Also, this device seems carelessly placed in the same big room that the crates were, which speaking as a DM/Supervillian, isn't a smart thing to do.

How? There isn't anything left of the computers. Lulu doesn't seem to be able to understand Pokemon. She could probably see the bond, but that doesn't nessisarily spell out "watched over." Plus how could a Pokemon under Rocket control have this emotional pull towards a different species?

Grammar:
Pronouns: During the first battle, you refer to Tango as "it," but then later, you refer to Tango as a "she." Keep it one way or another. A tip is that if your characters don't know the gender of their Pokemon, use genderless pronouns, until they themselves discover the gender of the Pokemon.

I say this, because your characters know that the Houndour is a male right away, but you still refer to the other Pokemon by "it."

Though,

"its" should be his, since you've established that Houndour is a "he."

Another mistake of this is:

This also brings attention another common mistake throughout your story: dialogue tags.
A dialogue tag is the phrase used with a piece of speech. When the verb of a dialogue tag is a verb of speech (said, told, speak, yelled, asked) then you use commas inside the quotation mark instead of a period and lower case after the quotation mark. In this case:

However, when the verb isn't acting upon the dialogue, use a period and uppercase, for the dialogue and the tag act as separate sentences. A good way to decide if the verb isn't acting upon the dialogue, is to actually try speaking only through the action. For example:

Try kneeling a sentence. You can't, so it should be:

There are some tricky verbs though.

You can't really sneer a line of dialogue. More examples of weird dialogue tag verbs are: hissed, laughed, smiled, hugged, etc. To explain some: when you hiss, you're only using so many muscles in your mouth, that you wouldn't be able to produce enough for most constants and vowels. You can't speak when your laughing, because your laughing gets in the way of speech.

There are many instances in your story where you punctuate dialogue wrong that doesn't even refer to the conditions I listed above (here are some):

She heaved, not the dialogue, but the sigh. The comma should be a period. Also, there should be a comma before "but" since "this is reidiculous" is its own sentence (subject and verb).

Against, Eliza is staring at Lulu, not the sentence.

While asked is a verb that acts upon dialogue, it isn't acting upon the line "This is amazing..." since it is not a question. If intead, you used "she" instead of "Lulu," the "she" would be lowercased, as in the following case:

You can't bob a sentence. The "she" lowercase is correct, but the period inside the quotes should be a comma, since your linking "whispered" to "Good luck" dialogue phrase.

I also don't understand why you say "Poke'ball," but then "Pokémon. At first I thought that you didn't have access to the "é" character, but then I saw "Pokémon." "Pokéball" is a portmanteau of "Pokémon" and "Ball," so you should keep the "é" or "e'" consistant throughout your story.

There should be a comma before "but" and "and," since each is a compound sentence.

Now, this is tricky, and honestly I don't really know the call, but I wanted to bring it to your attention.
"Thought of" and "thought about" have nearly the same meaning. However, "thought about"'s definition includes: "think about actively," while "thought of" doesn't. So, if she was actively thinking about the two men, trying to come up with a plan, then use "thought about."

This can be handled better. If you take it apart, "glistening bright" would sound better as "glistening brightly." However, I don't think something can glisten "new," but it could glisten "as if it was new."

Also some words you had were wrong:

"Give away" is sentence, while "giveaway" is what you wanted (dead giveaway). "Breech" is a type of trouser; "breach" is the word your looking for. "Passageway" is the term between two rooms. You could have just had "passage" as well.

Something-like is an adjective while "like" not connected to anything is a verb. The second instance is correct, but the first one isn't. It should be "Doberman-like."

Detail:
Just more detail. Right now, there is an alright amount, but some more detail would help in some places:

You don't say how long they were going down. This determines how big the secret base is.

To a person that doesn't know Pokemon, this would be confusing. Where did the red light come from? Did it shoot out from the Poke'ball? Did the Poke'ball dissolve into the red light? It becomes more confusing when you include this:

(the comma should be a period, since the sentence doesn't have a verb that acts upon the phrase "Trike!") This adds more questions: Is the red light electrical? Did the Poke'ball explode? Without details like this, a reader is left to wonder. The best advice I've gotten is to write as if the reader has never seen Pokemon before. If the reader needs to take a break to look up a Pokemon on Bulbapedia, then they break away from your story, and you don't want that. Remember, there are over 500 Pokemon now, we can't remember them all.

You should describe the attacks more. Like the confuse ray "bounced" off the ground; does that mean it started to go up, or did it dissapear.

This makes Thunder Wave seem like Discharge. There isn't enough flavor in the descriptions.

Also, you never actually say that the man with a Zubat was wearing the Rocket uniform. It can be reasoned, but let's just say that he wasn't wearing the uniform. That would open up a bunch more diologue between the characters to determine if he is a Rocketl maybe it could have been a passerby or something. But you see what happens when you don't have details like that.

Climax:
The climactic moment was a bit boring and short. Houndour is comming at them, and in one swoop, they stop it. Then the leave cause the building is going to explode, and of course, they all get out in one piece. You should improve it somehow. I'm not saying that you need a battle, but for a story like this, it seems the logical choice. Maybe even play a bit more about the relationship between the Houndour and Nidoran.

Length:
You added correctly, but its just the min suggestion, which you just make. If you had more detail in the attacks, Pokemon, and even people, length wouldn't be an issue, but it is right now. When you add the length together, you have to understand that the each Pokemon still needs to be involved as much as their own difficulty. An easiest and simple pokemon could be just mentioned, but a medium pokemon needs a bit more. Houndour's involvment seems like such a small part in the big story.

Personal Feelings:
The story gets an "eh" in my book. Things seemed a bit simple, which is fine for Nidoran, but not Houndour. The climax, as I said, was too short and didn't build enough suspense. You needed to describe what Pokemon looked like more; I've been playing Pokemon since it first came out, and I still have trouble with the naming all the Pokemon even (seel and shellder line i usually forget).

Conclusion:
Plot: Had some holes in it, which i think you should address
Details: Not enough
Grammar: Need to work on dialogue and dialogue tags. Also, watch out for compound sentences and punctuating them. An remember, gender pronouns.
Length: A bit on the short side for both Pokemon, but easily fixed if you add more detail

Verdict:

Spoiler

Nidoran (F):

Spoiler

Houndour: Not Captured

Here's your prize:


Houndour's part in the story was too short. It just showed up, growled a bit and charged at them. Houdour is a Medium Pokemon, and should have a Medium involvement.

When you fix up the story a bit, PM and I'll regrade it.

 

thank you for the grade :] I agree with the final verdict as this definitely isn't the best of my works.

As a note though, you can sneer a sentence. It's a verb which is either a facial expression of scorn or to verbally utter something with scorn. I DO need to add on to "and he/she/they said" after an action before dialogues though. xD

 

http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/said.shtml
http://www.fmwriters.com/Visionback/Issue%205/tags.htm

There's a thing called "said-bookism." It's when a writer uses words other than "said," because she/he think it makes her/him seems like better writers. However, readers are fine with "said." When readers see too many of these said-bookisms, it pulls them away from the story. Also, when you use the more extreme ones, it looks silly.

My favorite example:

"To ejaculate" means: to exclaim or utter suddenly; to blurt out

You see that its definition might be correct, it looks weird and kinda creepy.

It's good practice for a writer to be mindful of this. You can sneer a sentence, but a reader is going to imagine the more commonly used definition, which is the emotional change in one's face. Dialogue tags are treated a bit differently than the rest of the grammar world.