One Magical Magikarp (READY FOR GRADE)

MAGIKARP > GYARADOS
Gyarados = Beast
3000 Characters
This story is 921 words long and Has 4071 Characters
One Magical Magikarp

I woke up to the sounds of Pidgey and Rattata excitedly scurrying around outside. I rose from my soft bed, stretched and yawned. I walked to the wardrobe and pulled out a pair of blue jeans a white shirt and an orange jacket. After getting dressed I pulled on my always damp boots and grabbed a
Fishing rod from underneath my bed. This rod had been passed down from my fathers, fathers father. I loved this rod even though it wasn’t the best; it was only a narrow stick with some string on the end. I didn’t care that the other kids had Good or Super rods, they were just rich brats.
I checked the time on my clock, five o’clock in the morning, perfect for fishing. I walked downstairs and out through the back door and proceeded to go to the Bait Shed. I grabbed some bait and walked down Route 1, I wasn’t worried about wild pokemon because I had Flare (Growlithe) in her pokeball on my belt. I was going to go to the lake near Viridian City, I was trying to findthe rumoured golden Magikarp. I was strolling down the grassy path humming, I had hunch I was going to catch it today. Many people had tried and failed to capture the golden Magikarp, but all I had to do was wait and be patient. Ten minutes later I arrived safe and sound at Viridian City. It was definitely bigger than Pallet Town. “Right I guess I should go buy some PokeBalls first” I said. I walked into the Pokemart and started looking around for Lure Balls. The Clerk saw me looking around in confusion and said “Excuse me sir are you looking for something?”
“Yeah but I can’t find them…Do you sell Lure Balls?” I asked.
“No sir we don’t stock Lure Balls but we do have normal PokeBalls” The Clerk said.
“Oh…so how much are those?” I asked.
“One Hundred PokeDollars we are having a half price sale at the moment” The Clark said.
"Ok ill have three of those then" I said passing the money.
"Thanks" I said happily taking the pokeballs.
I walked out PokeMart and walked out towards Route 22, I knew was close to the lake. I walked through the small patch of grass and turned left and saw the small lake.I released Flare from her pokeball and shouted " Were here!!!" "Grrr!" Flare roared happily. I picked up my Old rod and put some bait on the line.
I cast the rod and waited... twelve minutes later the float begin to bob gently, I waited a little bit longer and the float sunk.
I began to pull my rod upwards and saw my catch. It was just a normal Magikarp though, not the golden one which I wanted.
"Well I doubt it would appear on our first cast Flare!" I said merrily "Woof!" Flare barked in agreement. Cast out again, this time with slightly different bait."Hmm it seems the fishes ain't
biting today" I said. Suddenly the float plunged downwards, I knew this was a big fish! I pulled upwards as hard as I could "Urghh!" I said groaning at the weight of the fish. "ARGH!" I shouted as my rod snapped in two. "NO!!" I screamed diving into the lake. I could see how had snapped my treasured rod, it was a rogue Tentacruel. I knew they were poisonous and quickly surfaced out of the lake and on to dry land. "Come on Flare...lets go home..." I sobbed, distraught. "Grrr..." Flare growled dejectedly. I grabbed the three pokeballs and walked back to Viridian City. Once I arrived there I ran straight home dashing through the grass and jumping down ledges to get home as fast as possible. I knocked on the door and my Pa let me in.
"Whats wrong son?" Pa said worried.
" W-Well I trying to find the golden Magikarp Pa..." I said shaking
" Golden Magikarp ehh?" Pa said "How did that go?
"It didn't go well Pa...There was this big Tentacruel...a-and it snapped my rod..." I stuttered.
"Right son" Pa said " Ill have to help ya on this one!"
"Really Pa!?" I said excitedly.
Pa walked upstairs and 5 minutes later he reappeared with his prized possession; a Super Rod.
"Come on son! we gotsa fish to catch!" Pa shouted merrily.
I and Pa walked all the back to the lake humming happily.
"OK son ill catch and you can capture it!" Pa boomed.
Pa cast his rod far into the lake... and waited... and waited.
Twenty five minutes later Pa's rod bobbed and sunk underneath the water. Pa expertly reeled it in and...it was the golden Magikarp!
Pa unhooked the glimmering fish and it started splashing around.
I released Flare from her pokeball and she growled at the Magikarp. "Flare use take down!" Flare ran forward and slammed into Magikarp sending it flying in to the grass. "Karp karp.." it said weakly. "Flare finish with another take down!" I shouted.
Flare darted through grass and was just about to hit Magikarp when it flailed sending Flare stumbling backwards. "Hmm Flare use Flamethrower!" Flare readied a red hot blast of flame and then attacked sending burning heat towards the Magikarp. It was a direct hit! "K-karp m-magikarp..." It sounded really weak.
"OK time for a pokeball!" I said throwing a red and white ball.
It hit the Magikarp on the side and enveloped it in red light.
It rocked...
Once
Twice
Three times!


If caught
Shiny Magikarp

 

Claimed for Grading.

 

Introduction:

You introduce your character as they wake up and get ready to begin a brand new adventure. This has been done many times before, and while it isn't the most original beginning to a story, it works for the Pokemon you're going after, Magikarp. In short, your introduction for this story is fine.

I should let you know, however, that more difficult Pokemon will require that you come up with a better and more original introduction. The best way to create these introductions is to use a little something called a hook. Basically, a hook is an introduction that gets the reader interested in your story, and makes them want to read more of it. While it takes some practice to come up with good hooks, when you've mastered them, they will be of great help to you.

As an example using this story, you could have started the story off towards the middle, when the prized Old Rod snapped in two. Startled and angered by this, your character would then jump into the water to find the one responsible...only to be met almost directly with the rogue Tentacruel. Your character would stare the beast down, cold fear gripping every fiber of his being...and then you could flash back to the beginning, and show the readers how you got to that point in the story.

This is considered a hook because it makes the reader question how your character got to that point in the story, and they will continue to read in order to answer that question. As I said, it takes practice to come up with these, but be patient and keep practicing - before long, you'll be reeling in your readers (no pun intended).

Plot:
Your character wakes from a peaceful sleep and decides that there's no better time than now to go fishing. After gathering up your belongings, your character sets out on Route 1 from Pallet Town en route to Route 22. After an uneventful walk, your character reaches the pond that contains the fabled golden Magikarp, and begins to fish. The first bite was a regular Magikarp, and the second was more than your character could handle. A Tentacruel breaks the prized rod, sending your character back home, distraught at these events. Your character's father then promises to help reel in the golden Magikarp. Back at the pond, your father waits patiently, and then manages to hook the one you're looking for; you proceed to do battle with it and attempt to catch it.

This is a pretty basic plot, though the addition of the prized fishing rod and the father's help deviates it from the norm a little bit. This sort of plot is just fine for a Magikarp, so I have no problems here.

Again, however, you should know that more difficult captures will require that you create more complex plots than this one. Try to think outside the box when you design a story for something more difficult - remember, you can do absolutely anything you want in these stories, just as long as it pertains to Pokemon in some way, and you don't state outright that you caught the Pokemon you're looking for.

Dialogue:
The dialogue in this story was pretty good. You did a good job conveying the emotions that your character felt as the prized rod broke and as you had to reveal the news to your father.

When you try for something more difficult, it would be a good idea to expand upon the dialogue. Try to make the exchanges that your characters have pertinent to their personalities, as dialogue is one of the best ways to give your readers some insight into your characters and allow them to connect to your characters better.

Grammar:
When I first looked at this story, it was a little bit off-putting to me that the whole thing wasn't separated. It's generally accepted in the URPG that we separate paragraphs with a space. When the subject of your story changes from one idea to the next, you should stop the current paragraph, and start a new one. For example, this:

Would become something like this:

It's an easy fix, and it makes the story look more professional, so try to do this in the future when you write.

Another important thing you should remember is the proper method to write dialogue. Let's take a look at the dialogue towards the middle of the story:

Now, we'll fix it up. First, remember to space it out correctly:

Next, let's put the correct punctuation into the lines. Try saying the lines you give to your characters out loud when you proofread your story; if you have to pause at any time during their line, you probably need a punctuation mark there. Here's the corrected version:

If you capitalize Poke Dollars, you should also capitalize Poke Balls:

Lastly, you don't need to show the action of the characters speaking after every line of dialogue if the exchange is long enough. In this case, it is long enough, and after a few exchanges, the readers can figure out for themselves who is speaking. Here's the final version of that exchange, with all of the corrections considered:

Proper grammar takes some practice to learn, but once you've got it down, your stories will flow much better. So practice using the suggestions I made as you continue to write, and eventually, you'll have it all down!

Battle, Detail, and Description:
Both the amount of detail you put into this story and the battle in an attempt to capture the golden Magikarp are acceptable for your target Pokemon. However, as with many of the sections above, when you go for something more difficult, you'll need to expand upon the battle, and describe more in your story.

There are a few things you can do to get a lot of details into your story; I'll run down a list of possibilities here. First off, try to describe your surroundings as best you can; if the readers know what the setting looks like, they can better visualize what happens in the story. Next, describe your characters. You did this with your character, so I could visualize you in the story, but your father was a little more difficult to visualize because I didn't know what he looked like. Finally, describe what the Pokemon look like and go into further detail about their attacks. Though this is a Pokemon forum, you can't necessarily assume that everyone here knows what every Pokemon and attack looks like, so you must provide a description for them.

If you work more details into your story, you'll have no problem capturing the more difficult stuff.

Length:
Magikarp is in the Easiest category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 3,000 to 5,000 characters. Your story is 4,071 characters; it's right about in the middle, which is generally where you want to aim. Good job!

Outcome:
Drum roll, please...

...

...Click!

Gotcha! Magikarp was caught!

Make sure you practice writing with my suggestions in mind so that you'll be better off when you go for something more complex.

Enjoy your (eventual) red Gyarados. B)