One Crazy Guy, an Adventure, and a few Robberies. (Working on WWC)

Now I would usually tackle a hard story at the beginning and then stop having an inflated ego and go back to start, but I think I'll start at the start this time. Make fun of it. Criticize it. You know you want to.

Aiming for: Magikarp and Weedle
Required text: 6-10k characters
Approx. Chars: 8308 characters

One Crazy Guy, an Adventure, and a few Robberies.
Many people say they'll punch you or kill you. A very small amount of people actually will.​

Joe Ontarrg stood tall, ready to take on the world. That, he noticed, was the biggest lie he had ever fed his own mind. He had just gotten robbed of just about everything he owned. He had the clothes he wore, some miscellaneous other things, and his Pokémon. Just those, and the knowledge of how to get around Viridian City.

Walking across the plain pavement of Viridian in the bustling middle of the day, Joe sighed.
"Making it as a trainer again? I'm not sure. How will I travel? I have no food, and my money is gone. My Hypno is dead, thus stopping hypnotism... Friggin' Team Rocket..."

Joe stopped in his tracks. His irises flashed red, a birth defect that had appeared on him that few cared about. He took a deep breath and moved on. He headed north, towards Pewter. He could find much more to do with his time in Celadon. Reaching the outskirts of the town after a few minutes of pushing against a crowd uneventfully, he reached for his Nidoking's Pokéball, as having his companion out calmed him. Instinctively, he tossed it into the air, before noticing he had grabbed nothing. His Pokéball was gone.

He shook his head slowly. He turned back towards the city. He looked for someone running. If Joe had stole a Pokémon, he would be running. It became a bit obvious who had taken the Nidoking when he heard a person scream "I GOT A NIDOKING! YEAH!" He saw a person holding the ball in the air, and it was more obvious. He shook his head again, and from almost complete inactivity, his irises became red again, which happened when he felt anger, and he dashed into the crowd.

"'Scuse me, outta mah way," He said offhandedly whenever he bumped into someone, but ultimately reached his target in about ten seconds.
"Hey quick question. Did you steal that Pokémon?" Joe asked. The man suddenly got quiet and stared at Joe. His smile slowly faded.

"I think I'll take that as a yes, if you're okay with that," Joe said. Before the man could react, he was punched in the gut with extreme force. He was knocked back, and lost his balance, falling to the ground, dropping the Pokéball, thusly prompting Joe to pick it up. By then, a large clearing had appeared and many people had gathered around. It was almost silent. Joe, now standing next to the man, asked him a simple question.
"Do you work for Team Rocket?"

The man stared at him, but slowly gave his answer. "Y-y-yes..."
Joe smiled, and shook his head again. He lifted his foot and knocked the air from the man's stomach and quickly put it against his throat with just enough force to block air. He waited until he felt no more struggling and a limp body. He started to walk away.

"Alright, people. Have a nice day," Joe said as he exited the city. Looking upon the grassy plains of Route 2, he planned out what he would do.

I need to get some money, get some supplies, get through Mt. Moon, get to Cerulean, get more money and supplies, and finally head south to Saffron. From there, I'll figure out further.

Walking through the plain grasslands, Joe spotted a child wearing shorts and a baseball cap, talking to another kid of the same description about a Ratatta. Joe released his Nidoking, Salamander, and walked up to them.
"Give me your money."
"No." They replied.
This may be harder than I thought without Hypno on my side. I'm not beating up children for money. Joe thought to himself.

"Alright. I got a challenge for you two. I'll let you each use three Pokémon against this guy here," Joe proposed, gesturing to the Nidoking, "in a Pokémon battle. You will use these Pokémon at the same time. If I lose, I'll give you a Pidgeot. If I win, you'll pool together 12,000 Poké for me, and give me one of your Pokémon each," He finished.

The kids stared at him in amazement. "A Pidgeot..." One kid whispered to another. "But those are pretty high stakes..."

The two children gained a look of determination. "We'll do it."

The Nidoking gave Joe a nervous look, who simply waited. The Nidoking was confronted by a Drifloon, Dugtrio, Staravia, Arcanine, Manectric, and a Swalot.

"You'll be fine, Salamander... Go on..." Joe whispered.
I really should've thought this out further...

The Nidoking acted on his own, bracing itself for the oncoming attacks. It's first target was the Arcanine. The Dugtrio immediately burrowed underground. The Swalot picked up a large amount of grass in its mouth, stockpiling it. The Manectric charged up electricity, readying what looked like a powerful attack. The Drifloon and Staravia worked together, both sending a large gust of air towards Salamander. He didn't notice the attack coming, and took an average amount of damage, get pushed back considerably, and almost lost his balance. The Arcanine quickly charged towards the Nidoking, using ExtremeSpeed. Before the Nidoking could notice he was being attacked, he was on the ground. The Arcanine had a smug look on its face as Salamander struggled from the ground, but it was soon wiped away. The Arcanine's attack had landed it behind the Nidoking, who reached back and grabbed the Arcanine. He sent it flying into the ground in front of it, and raised rocks from the ground seemingly from magic, and sent them all racing towards the Arcanine, who couldn't dodge the attack, and was knocked out from the Earth Power.

Salamander had to quickly decide its next plan, and was focusing on the Manectric, but Joe quickly gave a command. "Jump!"

The Nidoking pushed itself into the air just in time for Dugtrio to pop up from the ground under him. Salamander landed hard on top of Dugrio, sending it underground along with a small Earthquake, which only hit Dugtrio. The combo knocked it out easily. Nidoking did not have the reflex, although, to dodge the now-fully-charged attack from the Manectric. The charging turned out to be redirecting thoughts into a feeling of immediacy in taking out an enemy, as if its life depended on it. It made a mad dash for the Nidoking, using a Last Resort, scratching, kicking, and sending small electric volts into Salamander at a blinding rate. It did much damage, knocking him to the ground, although leaving the Manectric tired. Salamander scrambled to its feet. He raised his head, and the horn started spinning, slowly going faster and faster. Once it was rotating at a blinding speed, he shoved it strainght towards the Manectric who didn't dodge in time and was eliminated by the Horn Drill that sent it flying, crying out in pain.

The Staravia, who had been readying itself for another attack, glew a blinding white and dived at Salamander at a breakneck speed, who jumped to the side, dodging the Brave Bird just in time, but the Staravia looped around after missing and tried again. Nidoking jumped again. The Staravia continued its acrobatics while Nidoking dodged, taking up his concentration. The Drifloon emitted a strong Psychic force towards Nidoking, who couldn't dodge it. He was knocked to the ground, in extreme pain. The Staravia landed, thinking it had won. Nidoking didn't move.

A small band around Salamander's arm became white and began to glow. Joe hadn't noticed it before, so the Nidoking must've picked it up somewhere else. He opened his eyes, and slowly struggled to his feet, smiling. Joe retrieved his Pokédex from his pocket. It claimed his Nidoking was wearing a Focus Band and was at %0.08 HP. Joe laughed.

"You got this! Earthquake to take out the Swalot!" He commanded, followed by his Nidoking punching the ground with such strength that it sent powerful, fast shockwaves toward the Swalot, who took ridiculous damage from the attack and was sent flying into the air, knocked out immediately. Joe and his Nidoking felt a jolt of excitement.

"Stone Edge on the Drifloon!"
The two Youngsters watched in awe as the Nidoking sent sharp rocks from the ground soaring into the Drifloon repeatedly, scratching it until it drifted to the ground, defeated.

Both Joe and his Pokémon's face beaming, they had let their guard down for a moment, which was a bad idea. The Staravia had charged up again, and used Brave Bird, send what would assuredly be the Nidoking's knockout at him.

"Agh! Quickly! MegaHorn!" Joe called.

Salamander lowered his head,forming a sort of catapult with his horn. He readied to flip it up when the Staravia came close enough. He attempted the attack...


~~~

A) The attack works, Nidoking takes the chance after the attack to get a KO, and Joe wins Weedle and Magikarp for winning.

B) Brave Bird hits, and Joe runs before he has to pay his end of the bet.

 

Re: One Crazy Guy, an Adventure, and a few Robberies. (Grade it.)

Claimed. Because I'm the bomb like tick, tick.

 

Re: One Crazy Guy, an Adventure, and a few Robberies. (Grade it.)

Intro: Nice intro. It has a nice hook, to get the reader interested. Your character's been robbed, and has nothing left but his Pokemon and the clothes on his back. This kind of thing draws the reader in and makes them want to read your story. Good job.

Plot: Your plot was unique, and fun for me to read. Joe gets robbed by Team Rocket, he kills a member of Team Rocket for trying to steal his Nidoking, then he goes and kicks some little kids' asses so he can get their Pokemon. I loved it, and thought it was pretty good for a first story. You went above and beyond for a Weedle and a Magikarp, so congrats.

Dialogue: Your dialogue is okay. It all seems natural and makes sense. It flows well, and it definitely gives Joe some character. There were a few problems with grammar, which I will address next.

Grammar: You only had a few grammar problems. I assumed Joe's bad grammar was part of his character.

Remember to connect dialogue and thought to an action with a comma, not a period, like you did here:

And here:

Those should be:

And the second should be:

Also remember, after dialogue, the first word is lowercase unless it's a name. You made that mistake here:

It should be:

Other than that, your grammer is fine.

Detail: Here's where the problems start. You didn't describe Joe or any of the Pokemon in your story. Describing your main character is IMPORTANT. Graders hate it when people forget to do that. Also, it might seem a bit silly on a Pokemon site, but with so many types of Pokemon, it's always good to provide a brief description of the Pokemon you're talking about. You did better when you were describing the two youngsters Joe fought. Work on your description skills a little. They'll get better with time.

Length: For a Weedle and Magikarp, you would need a minimum length of 6k. You have 8.3k, so congrats, you have enough.

Reality: I didn't see anything unrealistic about your story, so nothing to report here.

Personal Feelings: I liked your story. It was one of the only stories I've graded so far where I wish it had gone on longer. Joe is a total bad ass and I want MOAR! MOAR! It's pretty easy for me to say...

Outcome: Weedle and Magikarp...caught.

You had some problem with detail and grammar, but those are both things that will get better the more you write. Also, in the future, make sure the Pokemon you're aiming for play a bigger role in your stories. Another grader might not have given you these. I will on one condition...you write more of this story.





:7up:

 

Re: One Crazy Guy, an Adventure, and a few Robberies. (Grade it.)

I'mma be simple here.

lessthanthree. Also, I DO plan on continuing this. Y'know, because bitter people don't start that way.

Edit: I noticed a mistake you didn't. I said Saffron in the second paragraph. Wrong city, hurp durp.