On Again/Off Again, Episode 1: Pilot

Austin sat alone in his bedroom with the door closed, shining his trophy. It was the first of four trophies he had won in his regional high school championships, and he was preparing a place on his bookshelf for the fifth and final, record-breaking trophy he would compete for that year after his high-school graduation. Each trophy also represented a girlfriend lost to the throes of his obsession. He was polishing Erika, the first girlfriend for whom he had vowed to win a trophy, while Paula, Ashley, and Jordan sat on his bookshelf, collecting dust. He had pushed them off to the side to make room for Sandra, though the tournament was nearly two months away. It was disheartening that none of the others had wanted to keep their trophies, but they did look nice on his bookshelf.

He finished rubbing the dust off the tip of his trophy and stood up to dress himself. Before putting on his shirt, Austin reached up to take down the bottle of cologne that he kept on top of his wardrobe, but it fell and the cap popped off in the process, drenching him in its florid musk. He cried out and then tried to wipe up as much of the liquid as he could with the shirt he had intended to wear. He threw that shirt to the ground and grabbed another white tee out of his dresser. Then, hoping that more layers would help to hide the smell, Austin slipped into a faded green vest and walked to the kitchen for breakfast.

“Sandra called,” his mother remarked as he entered the room. “She sounded impatient.” His mother raised her eyebrows, pursed her lips, and turned back to the refrigerator to put away the milk.

At the table, his twin sister adjusted the brim of her blue hat two degrees to the left, waited a moment, and decided it would probably look better the other way. She glanced askance at Austin through her pocket mirror and then looked down at her clothes. The price tag still hung off of the sky-blue polyester jacket, which April had gotten embroidered with her name on the lapel. It had a screen-printed grey Pokéball on the front and was finished with a rhinestone-decorated zipper. She asked, “How do I look?” then laughed, “I can see why you like training Pokémon so much. These clothes are fantastic!”

“They really bring out your eyes,” his mother said, “but when did you get so into Pokémon? Didn’t we just buy you a new pair of cycling pants?”

“Ugh, mom!” April exclaimed. “Cycling is so last boyfriend!”

“Don’t you mean last year?”

“That’s what I said.”

“Is Dad home?” Austin said, reaching for the box of cereal next to his sister’s bowl.

“He got home from work went to bed about an hour ago,” his mother responded. “Do you need him?”

“It’s this Pokéball he made. The light keeps going out; I don’t think it’ll work. I need to buy some real Pokéballs.”

“Honey, you know we can’t afford that right now,” his mother said, hiding an extravagant bracelet as she rubbed the back of her neck. “Maybe when he gets his first paycheck from the new job.”

Austin let out a disgusted sigh and returned to his cereal. “What am I going to get Sandra for her birthday? I was going to catch her a Pokémon—“

“How about a new boyfriend?” April teased. “Someone older, who’s not obsessed with training so much. She might actually enjoy that, and it won’t cost you a thing!”

“April!” their mother snorted, feigning a reprimand.

“What? All I’m saying is, she’s got this permanent scowl. It’s probably because he smells like Pokémon all the time.”

“You could get her a cute little Eevee doll,” a squeaky voice trilled from the hallway. A young girl shuffled into the room, her disheveled hair clinging to a stuffed Pokémon that was bigger than her entire upper body.

“Hey Julie,” Austin said, raising his voice to a childish pitch. “Now that you’re ten, we could go out and catch some cute Pokémon for real!”

“I already have a bunch of cute Pokémon,” Julie said, hands on hips. “More than you!”

“Dolls don’t count!”

“Yes they do,” the young girl responded, sliding into a chair. “Plus, they don’t smell like you.”

“I do not smell like Pokémon!” Austin protested. It was true, for the moment.

“We could stop by the mall and get her a necklace or something,” Austin’s mom said. “I’ll help you pick one out!”

“Ma, you just said we couldn’t even afford a few Pokéballs,” Austin said, noticing the shiny new ones clipped to April’s trendy new jacket.

His mom faltered. “This is different. Romance is important.”

Austin was unable to come up with a retort, so he returned to his cereal. On his right, his drowsy sister was getting more cereal in her hair than her mouth, and on his left, April was beaming into a mirror, still trying to decide how much hair should be visible under her visored beanie. His mother stood at the kitchen sink, fascinated by the way the morning sun glinted off the bangle on her wrist. Austin let out a frustrated grunt, then got up to leave.

“Oh—Wait!” his mother said as he pushed his chair in. “We’re going to pick your brother up from school today, so we won’t be home until late.”

“Okay,” Austin responded. He grabbed his backpack from its hook near the door, and left the house to wander until he thought of a suitable gift.

Austin began to swelter in his clothes after his first step into the spring sun. His house faced east, so the sun shone directly on his vest and heavy jeans, baking him in his boots. The white paint on the house was finally beginning to peel after fifteen years but Austin’s mom kept up the extravagant façade by ornamenting it with a colorful garden centered on the house’s bay window. It was in full bloom for the first time in the season that morning, but he didn’t notice as he strode past, checking his phone. His face fell as he opened his texting app. It was teeming with messages from Sandra after being on silent all morning. Heaving a sigh, Austin dialed the number she had set on speed dial. The phone didn’t finish ringing once before a shrill voice punched through the speaker.

“Did you make a reservation for tonight?” it blared. Austin yanked the receiver away. After a second, he put the phone back up to his ear and heard, “—still haven’t told me where we’re going, but if it’s Stefano’s you needed to make a reservation like, last month.” Austin’s face fell further.

“Don’t worry about it!” he responded, trying to be coy. “You’ll find out tonight!” Meanwhile, he scrawled Stefano’s on a pad of paper he kept in his lapel pocket.

Sandra let out a groan, and in a desperate attempt to recover, Austin blurted, “But your present is even more impressive!” Sandra’s groan changed to a delighted squeal without missing a beat, forcing Austin to recoil from his phone again.

When he began listening again, she was yammering, “—is it what is it what is it?!”

“I can’t tell you!” he said, putting as much syrupy exuberance as he could muster into his voice, to hide the fact that he was visibly—and, he feared, audibly—quaking in his boots.

“Well...” Sandra said, finally talking in a quiet voice, “if I like it, I might have a gift for you too.” She punctuated the sentence with a single laugh, and the line went dead. Austin wanted to feel elated, but his heart had skipped a beat out of panic, not excitement.

He put his phone away and pulled his dad’s Pokéball out of his pocket. He raised his eyebrows as he found that the dim light in the ball’s center was undulating smoothly on and off. Earlier that morning, the Pokéball had looked lifeless, but its newfound vigor gave Austin hope that his original birthday plan for Sandra might work after all. He was still shaking as he veered off the road into an expansive field abutting a sparse forest.

Austin still stung from his family’s ribbing at breakfast, so as he watched the Pokémon darting through the trees he tried to search for the one with the least offensive odor. Austin pined after an Aipom hanging from the branches, a pair of Lillipup rolling in the grass, and a Vileplume napping in the sun, but kept his only Pokéball tightly clutched in his fist. He couldn’t actually smell any of those Pokémon through the cloud of his own cologne wafting from his clothes, but he imagined Sandra wouldn’t find them very pleasant. Since he couldn’t enjoy the smells of spring, Austin closed his eyes to enjoy the sounds instead.

The first thing Austin heard was a overture of warbling from the birds in the forest, accompanied by the gentle rhythm of beating wings. The breeze brushed by in short spurts, pushing and pulling the branches as it undulated through the trees. The Lillipup nearby yipped and goaded each other on as they thumped and pattered through the soft grass. Finally, Austin heard a series of loud sniffs, followed by a cry of disgust and a shrill sneeze.

Austin opened his eyes to find a giant pink nose staring him in the face. The nose wrinkled in revulsion, repeated its cry, and turned to leave. As it turned, Austin regained his wits and realized he was looking at a Pokémon. He felt a pang of annoyance that now even Pokémon were making fun of how he smelled, but he didn’t dwell on that thought for long, because he had also realized that he couldn’t smell his cologne any more. As the Pokémon flew off, it left an enchanting scent in its wake. It wasn’t overpowering, but it was so distinct and pleasant that it had cut through Austin’s cologne and left him intoxicated. It was like fresh cut flowers floating on an early morning breeze. It was the kind of smell girls liked. For a moment, Austin lost sight of the rosy chick, but he followed his nose until he could tell where it had gone, and then lumbered after it.

The Spritzee didn’t realize Austin was following it, at first. Austin wasn’t light on his feet, but he stayed far enough behind the little bird that it didn’t notice. When the Pokémon found a place to stop, Austin slowed down so that he wouldn’t scare it. The Pokémon perched itself on a budding branch and sniffed at the young flower as Austin crept closer. He was close enough that he could hear the Pokémon sniffling softly through its beak, and he was afraid he would step on a stick and scare it away. When Austin reached the same tree the Spritzee was sitting in, he heard the sniffling grow louder. He was sure the Pokémon had caught his scent again. With a disdainful huff, the Spritzee ruffled its feathers and hopped to a higher branch.

“Oh come on!” Austin yelled. “It’s not that bad!” He grabbed a branch just above his head and began to pull himself up into the tree. As the bark scraped against his jeans, Austin reached out toward the Pokémon, without thinking. The Spritzee saw him approach and bounced from its branch, once again flying away. Austin tried to leap after it, but because he was already hanging half out of the tree, he crashed to the ground, tearing his vest and scraping his hands. He wiped them off on his pants, now covered in streaks of dirt, and set off in pursuit of the Spritzee.

Austin paid little attention to the roots and stones slamming against his feet as he chased the Pokémon. He kept his gaze laser-focused on the pink bird flitting away against the horizon. That’s probably why, after a minute or so of feverish running, Austin almost failed to notice that the ground had disappeared and had been replaced by a murky pond. Thankfully, the wetness permeating his clothes was a dead giveaway. He flailed his arms for a minute, as if he were still trying to run after the Spritzee. The Pokémon landed on the ground and bounced from place to place, watching Alex struggle until he gathered his wits and lifted himself out of the pond, soaked to the bone. He could tell the Pokémon was giggling at him, but was surprised to hear its voice sounded almost human.

“Not exactly the best place for a swim,” a voice said from off to the side, clearing up Austin’s confusion. He looked to the left, where a girl was sitting under a tree, slicing an Oran Berry and feeding it to her Pansage. She had straight, honey-colored hair and her outfit was similar to the one April had been flaunting at breakfast. The colors were faded and the fabric worn, especially around the seams and the area where her team of six Pokéballs rubbed against the gray jacket. One of the Pokéball hooks was broken off and another was barely hanging on by a thread.

“Hey Addy,” Austin said before shaking his entire body to fling off the water. Meanwhile, the Spritzee hopped around the pond and fluttered up to eye level. Both Austin and Addy watched as it sniffed the air again, cooed happily, and flapped its tiny wings one more time, generating just enough lift to float upward and land in Austin’s wet, matted hair.

“You like this better?!” Austin cried, outraged.

“You must have smelled pretty terrible before,” Addy chuckled as she handed the berry to her Pokémon and stood up. Austin threw his head back and let out an exasperated cry, startling the Spritzee and forcing it to grasp desperately at clumps of his hair. Austin’s cry of frustration turned into a cry of pain and it took all of his self-control to keep from clawing the Pokémon off of his head. Instead he took a deep breath, vented his frustrations in a stuttered laugh, and accepted the dry cloth Addy was holding out to him.

“All this for one Spritzee?” she asked. “You must really have wanted to catch it.”

“Well, it’s supposed to be a birthday present for Sandra,” he responded as he dried his face. With the towel covering his eyes, he didn’t notice the way Addy’s smile faded, for just a fraction of a second, and bounced back into place as he looked up again.

“Ah.”

“I’ve only got one Pokéball, so let’s hope the water didn’t damage it,” he chuckled, reaching once again into his pocket and pulling out his father’s blue Pokéball. He was delighted to see that the light was still pulsing gently, so he reached up, clicked the button, and let the ball draw the Spritzee inside. Austin dropped his hand in order to see whether the Pokémon would try to escape, but to his surprise, the ball rustled only once before its light clicked off for good. Since it wasn’t an official Pokéball, Austin wasn’t sure how it was supposed to act when a Pokémon decided to stay, but with the ball sitting still in his hand, he breathed a sigh of relief that he had at least figured out one important part of his date for that night.

“Hey, do you think she’ll mind if we find out what that Spritzee can do first?” Addy said, pointing to the Pokéball. Her Pansage perked up and trotted over to the field. Austin walked past the pond to make some room for the battle, and clicked the button on his Pokéball to release Spritzee. To his dismay, the ball didn’t activate, and his new Pokémon didn’t materialize. He pressed the button a few more times, to no effect. Finally, he threw the ball onto the battlefield, and it landed with a thud in the dirt. Austin recoiled in horror.

“What’s going on?” Addy said, with a worried frown.

“I don’t know!” Austin panicked and ran to the Pokéball to pick it up. He clawed at the two halves of the capsule and tried to pry it open, but the ball wouldn’t budge. “It’s this Pokéball my dad made. I didn’t think it would work for catching Pokémon, but it shouldn’t have a problem releasing them!” He threw the ball to the ground again in desperation. Nothing.

“Can your dad help?”

Austin looked up at the sky and noticed the sun directly overhead. “I don’t have time for this!” He squirmed and twisted the towel in his hands, trying to sort out his priorities. He looked down at the ball, then stared at his hands as if hoping something would appear in them. Finally, he looked up at Addy, his eyes wide, and opened his mouth. He let his jaw hang there for a minute as he struggled to form his thoughts into words.

“I have to find a new present!” he finally blurted, and darted back into the woods without picking up the Pokéball. Addy sighed, plucked it from the ground, and clipped it onto her belt. Her Pansage waddled over and began pawing at her waist. As he sniffed at the Pokéball, Addy noticed a gentle air of perfume wafting from it. Her eyes grew wide, and she ran off after Austin. The monkey loped along behind her, still licking juice from its paw.

Austin, meanwhile, had torn through the trees and reached the road again. He barreled off to the left without pausing, until he realized that the restaurant was to the right, downtown. The road snaked through the woods for half a mile, then opened onto an overpass and finally led to a street lined with shops. The main thoroughfare was cobbled together with paving stones cracked from automobile and foot traffic. On the sidewalks, a row of copper streetlamps that had turned green with exposure to the air stood upright like minutemen. The buildings on either side of the road had been similarly worn, but they had aged well. While the wind had taken the edge off their stately parapets and soaring arches, the stone was clean and the walls were strong.

Austin finally took a moment to breathe, and shuffled past the quaint shops to a squat, gaudy building on the corner of a busy intersection. A glossy sign written in almost unreadable cursive proclaimed the restaurant’s name, Stefano’s, from atop its glass doorway. The restaurant had a laminated menu bound with faux leather posted next to the front door, and Austin paused to check the prices. He groaned and pulled out his wallet, where he kept the last few dollars he had saved for the present he hadn’t bought yet. He began to reach for the door, when a soft flurry of footsteps pattered up behind him and Addy, panting and heaving, cried “Austin. Finally!”

As she caught her breath, Austin turned back to the restaurant, puffed up his chest, and reached for the door. As he started to pull the metal handle, the door swung open, shoving him backwards. Sandra saw him as she barged through and scowled. “Don’t even bother; you think they’ll even let you in the door like that?”

She scoffed and drew a mirror from her purse to fix her hair, as if the mere sight of Austin’s ratty mess had threatened to undo the hours of work she spent on her coif that morning. Her chestnut-colored hair cascaded down her back in a waterfall braid, reaching past the short black jacket that covered her shoulders to her dark blue dress. Austin tried to protest, but all he managed to do was shift in his shoes and squelch mud onto the sidewalk.

“Ugh,” she said in disgust, noticing Addy also much worse for the wear, with a twig sticking out of her hair. “And what’s she doing here?”

“I was just going to—” Addy stammered.

“I don’t care,” Sandra sneered. She sniffed the air and then wrinkled her nose. “You smell like my grandma’s perfume.”

“I was just—” Addy tried to start again.

“I—don’t—care.” Sandra turned away from Addy and fixed her scornful glare on Austin. “I already made the reservation. Go home and get changed and meet me back here at six.”

Then, with one last scowl, she walked away, her heels clicking furiously on the cobblestones. Addy took one last deep breath and pulled the faulty Pokéball from her pocket. She held it out to Austin and said, “Here. You dropped this. Wouldn’t want to celebrate her birthday empty-handed.”

“It’s no good if it doesn’t work!” Austin cried, but he took the Pokéball anyway. He hugged Addy from the side and avoided touching her with his wet clothes, but he still left water and mud stains all over her weather-worn jacket. She pushed him off of herself halfheartedly and couldn’t keep from letting slip a playful giggle. Addy tried to hide her smile while Austin frowned and stared at the Pokéball. A syrupy scent continued to seep from the sealed capsule, but it sat otherwise lifeless in his hand.

“Well, I need to get home,” he said, scratching the back of his neck with the Pokéball. The two trainers locked eyes for a moment, but Austin broke his gaze, said a hasty goodbye, and dashed off, leaving Addy in the middle of a party of boisterous patrons leaving the restaurant.

When Austin returned to the restaurant six hours later, Sandra was already seated in a booth, her eyes glued to her phone, her expression stiffer than his freshly-starched collar. He pulled at his tie to make room for the lump in his throat and sat down. He only had the defective Pokéball in his pocket by way of a gift, but his mother had scrounged up enough few extra dollars to fill his wallet so he could at least afford to pay for dinner. After only a minute of tense silence, Austin had already managed to sweat through both shirts, even though there was an air conditioner blasting frigid air from a vent above his booth. The wet spot on his chest turned cold as ice and he shivered.

“This is nice,” Sandra said without a smile, and put down her phone. She glanced at Austin for only a second and then picked up the menu next to her rolled-up utensils.

“Now what do I want?” she asked no-one in particular as she scanned the page with her lusterless gray eyes. “Oh, they have a veal cutlet, I hear that’s delicious. I should start with a salad, though. Do they have Caesar...? Yes. But maybe I want an appetizer, too...”

She looked up from the menu. “Do I want the Shellder or the stuffed Foongus?”

Austin began to open his mouth. “Wait, that’s a dumb question, I can get both. Obviously... I wonder if they card here; I would kill for a bottle of wine. Besides, it’s my birthday, they have to give me what I want, right?”

“Right,” Austin said, and immediately clamped his lips shut as Sandra shot daggers at him from over the top of the menu. She shut the menu with gusto and stared across the dining room at a waiter who was helping another young couple. Meanwhile, Austin tried to tally up all of the things Sandra planned to order by counting on his fingers. She continued to glare at the busy waiter, so he snuck the menu out from under her fluorescent fingernails and began searching for something he could afford to eat.

Another waiter shuffled up to their table from behind Sandra. He started, “Can I—”

“Yes, we’ll have a 30-year Pinot and a two glasses of water with no lemon,” Sandra interjected. “And how long does it take to get me a basket of bread?”

“The bread is usually brought out before the appetizer, ma’am,” the waiter responded, his hearty smile waning.

“Well, I don’t have an appetizer yet, so now seems like the right time.” The waiter hustled away, and Sandra returned to her phone.

“So, how was your birthday so far?” Austin piped up. To his surprise, she put her phone down without glaring at him.

“Okay I guess,” she sighed. “Getting better, now that we’re about to really celebrate.” She fixed Austin with a gaze that was somehow even scarier than her angry stare. She laser-focused in on his eyes and her formerly lifeless irises flared in the dim, kitschy light hanging above their table.

“So, what’d you get me?” she said in a seductive voice dripping with poisoned honey.

Austin trembled and coughed up a laugh and said in a singsong voice, “I can’t tell you—it’s a surprise!”

“Oh, come on,” she said, reaching out with her finger, “you can tell me.”

“No, I can’t!” Austin yelled, neglecting to tell her why. She rolled her eyes and the silky tone left her voice as she grumbled in disgust. The table fell silent again for a few minutes, but Sandra left her phone on the table. She alternated between focusing her unpleasant gaze on the ever-growing pool on Austin’s shirt and staring out the window, ignoring him entirely. Finally, their waiter swooped back down on the table with a bottle of wine and uncorked it to pour Sandra a glass. He placed one in front of Austin as well, and the trainer couldn’t find the strength to refuse.

“Now, what will you have for dinner?” he asked, taking a notepad out of his breast pocket. “I recommend the—”

“I’m going to have an order of your fried Shellder and the stuffed Foongus. And the venison for dinner,” she said, then suddenly tore the menu from Austin’s hands. “No, wait, make it a Clauncher alfredo... Yeah.” The waiter scratched her order into the notepad, and began to turn to Austin.

“And where’s that bread?” Sandra cried, wresting the waiter’s attention back to herself.

“I’ll send it out immediately after I put in your order,” the waiter said, feigning courtesy with an affected smile. After holding the expression for a moment, he managed to turn all the way toward Austin and say, “What will you have, sir?”

Austin swallowed and tried to reach for the menu, but Sandra was clutching it beneath her talons again. He stuttered for a second, racked his brain for an answer and finally blurted, “I’ll have the steak.”

“One filet mignon. How would you like it cooked?” Austin immediately regretted his decision. He hadn’t expected another question.

“Uhh...”

“I recommend having it cooked medium,” the waiter said, breaking the tension.

“Yeah, that,” Austin stammered.

“Very good, sir,” the waiter responded, picked up the menu, and then shuffled off.

“Wow, Austin, that’s like the most expensive thing on the menu,” Sandra said, glowing and taking a long gulp of her wine. “I wish you’d spend a little of that money on me. Maybe for our anniversary?” Austin laughed and pulled at his collar again.

“So the tournament is right before our anniversary.” Austin said the only other thing that had been on his mind that day.

“Yeah, what about it?”

“I’m gonna win that trophy for you,” he said, puffing up his chest, inadvertently pushing more sweat to the surface. “It’ll be a record-setter. First trainer to win every year of high school.”

Sandra stared at him incredulously. Austin deflated.

“So you’re like a good Pokémon trainer or something?” she asked, taking another swig. The last bit of air squeaked out of Austin’s chest. Austin turned almost every conversation he held to Pokémon in some way or another, but he had failed to leave an impression on his girlfriend in almost a full year of dating.

“Yeah, I’m gonna be—”

“Oh, finally!” Sandra cried as another waiter stopped by the table to drop off a small wicker basket holding Pokéball-sized dinner rolls. She drained her glass of wine and reached for the bread. Then she began to butter the roll, but paused to stop and stare at Austin intently until he realized he was supposed to pour her another glass from the bottle the first waiter had left on their table. Sandra picked at her roll in silence for another fifteen minutes while Austin sat on his hands, alternately steaming and freezing. The two didn’t speak after their appetizers and entrées arrived either, though Austin found the strength to try the steak he had bought without knowing its price.

Finally, Sandra crossed her utensils on her nearly-finished plate of seafood, and began thumbing through the dessert menu. Austin had just enough money in his wallet to cover what they had already ordered if he left a paltry tip. Sandra paused as if she had alighted on something she wanted, so Austin, with no time left to stall, blurted, “Okay, time for your present!”

Sandra’s face lit up and she put down the dessert menu and smiled. The expression sent shivers down Austin’s spine as he reached into his pocket and dug out the ornamental bag he had put the Pokéball in to spice up the gift. Before he had even brought it above the table, the scent of lilacs emanated from the bag and permeated the air. Sandra frowned and sniffed at the aroma. The corners of her mouth turned down farther and farther until her lips were pointed like a Gothic arch drawing Austin’s eyes upward to gaze upon the wrath of God.

“Oh my God!” she cried. “Why do you smell like that girl’s perfume? I bet you two were rolling in the mud earlier, and that’s how you got all dirty, isn’t it?” Sandra shoved the table toward Austin, who still hadn’t revealed his gift. He tried to interject, but Sandra was already packing up her things. Austin dropped the bag onto the seat and stood up to try and grab her arm.

“Scum!” she hissed, pulling away. “You might be filthy rich, but you’re not worth my time.” She pulled her jacket over her shoulders inside-out and hurried away through the crowded restaurant.

“What?” Austin stammered. He slumped back into his seat, flabbergasted, and landed on the Pokéball. Wincing in pain, he bounced back up and grabbed the capsule out from under himself. Almost as soon as the front door slammed behind his now-ex girlfriend, the light on the front of the Pokéball began to pulse on and off again, and the smell of the Spritzee inside subsided. Austin raised his hand and looked for a waiter.

“Check, please!”

Austin cringed as he walked out of the restaurant and down the buzzing thoroughfare. The tax on the meal had eaten up all of the money he had left over to tip the waiter, and he was sure he saw the waiter eyeing him as he left. He shook his entire body to get rid of the shivers and retrieved the Pokéball from his pocket again. The light was still glowing, so he clicked the button. A soft pink light burst from the Pokéball, and Austin heaved a sigh of relief to see that the Spritzee was unharmed. It unruffled its delicate feathers and floated up to eye level.

“Hi there,” Austin said. The Pokémon closed its eyes to take a whiff of the air and, satisfied, cooed in Austin’s face, releasing a puff of perfume.

“We’re better off without her anyway,” Austin said, but was clenching his fists and his eyes began welling up. After wiping away the tears with the back of his fist, Austin stuffed the Pokéball back into his pocket and held out his finger for the Spritzee to perch on.

He dropped it off onto his shoulder and said, “You should probably stay out of that Pokéball for now.”

Then he began the long trudge home.

Spoiler

Target Pokémon: Spritzee
Minimum Required Length: 10,000 characters (Medium)
Length Achieved: ~29k

 

MINEEEEEEEEE!

claim n~n

 

Introduction & Story

Whoa man, I like that first paragraph a lot! You're doing some funky characterization things right off the bat by paralleling the past girlfriends to trophies. Instantly we know about this guy's obsessive drive to win and his habit of throwing away love interests in wake of that win - and we quickly find out that the story is, ironically, about the newest (but perhaps longest longterm?) girlfriend. Nice! Felt the tension already!

It's so marvelous how you carry on that neat style of characterizing throughout. The way you disperse character description according to the situation made reading every part natural and fluid. One of my favorite characterizing moments:

OOOH killed me! Right here, you told us so much about their relationship in so few words. You're very talented!

So, more about this Sandra girl! Why is she so cruel? How could Austin have spent such a full year with her? Her characterization as such a downright mean character was so well done. I think it would have been nice to see some deeper characterization as we moved along - did something happen in the middle of the relationship to make her so mean? People are very complex, but I think we saw one beautifully horrendous side of her. Also, I think the same sentiment on deeper characterization goes for Austin, too - we're told by multiple other characters that he's so intense about training. But then he behaves completely reasonably, and like a great boyfriend, when he rushes away from the battle with Addy to complete Sandra's present. We are told one thing about him, but there's no memory in the narrative or trace that he would be so intense about training (besides that opening scene).

This could have been totally on purpose! Showing that he's not really that bad of a guy, especially when we know about his long past and bad habit of dumping multiple girlfriends, is so sweet. Also, I just want to say that my comments are really quite light here - this is the first chapter of the story, so we're totally not expecting or craving any deep characterization sentiment right off the bat. But I think it'll be helpful to keep in mind for future installments - filling us in on past histories, experiences, and moments important to the character really helps make them more three-dimensional than they appeared here. And by doing this, you make it a little easier to foreshadow, which is also helpful for future installments.

Plot-wise, this is such a solid story! Not overly dramatic, but we did worry about poor Austin's wellbeing. Also, I loved the Spritzee as a foil for Sandra! Very well done! I'm really looking forward to learning more about these characters as we move on. You've got a great first part here!

Description

BWHAHAH!! I loved this! Just so much going on here - with the directions of up and down, cathedrals and wrath, Sandra is centuries old in temperament heuheuuu

I'm going to say first that I have no notes of improvement here. XD I LOVED your description through and through! You've got a very natural flow to your writing that is very easy to read, especially when description comes into play. I think your ability to describe places and dialogue is the best part of this - I never questioned where we were or how realistic the conversations were. I would challenge you to describe places that are out of the ordinary. We were mainly in a small town and foresty-area, which is fun but very clear to write. It would be so neat to get descriptions of stranger and stranger places as Austin travels and trains along - and I think that would be fun for you to write as well. Of course, don't feel compelled to make the character go out of his way somewhere - but describing something in an unusual way is a good exercise in general, and captures our attention too.

Grammar

Not sure if these were typos, but I thought it might be helpful to bring up:

Since laughing isn't an action of speech, there would be a period after "laughed" in the first quotation. I might be misreading the second quotation - if "Well, if I like it, I might have a gift for you" is the full sentence you were intending to go for, then it's perfectly fine as is! But if not, and well wanted to be a stand-alone word, then there would be a period at voice. We can only break up quotes like these with a comma if it's a full sentence.

Also, there were a few typos, which is totally fine here! Just want to be a little careful - one time Austin was Alex

Length

Wow, triple above the MCR for a Medium here, which is so awesome! Pacing was fine too, as everything unfolded in order. I think it would be interesting to challenge yourself by changing the pace up at some moments in your story. Letting the story drag at some moments and then making things happen really fast other moments is a great way to keep us involved - but again, just a minor suggestion here Pacing was totally fine!

Outcome

SPRITZEE CAPTURED! Without a doubt! You wrote a fine, very cute story here that leaves me wondering what'll happen to Austin from here on out. What'll happen to Sandra, and the broken Pokeball?! For future installments, I think my biggest takeaway is: challenge yourself! Get a little uncomfortable with the writing, vary things up in terms of characterization, description, and pacing, and I think you'll have a lot of fun and learn a lot too.

Thanks for writing such a wonderful story!